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"First love" is an important step in puberty. E Pushkarev

Google Translate Automated Translation - Original Text

To blame a young man for being in love is the same as blaming someone for being sick.
C. Duclos

"Romeo and Juliet" is the most harmful piece ... Doctor of Philosophy V.V. Zhirinovsky

This article is part of the "school block":

Dramaturgy of love. E. Pushkarev

"First love" is an important step in puberty. E. Pushkarev

Psychiatric confusion with love in school literature. E. Pushkarev

The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev

Natasha Rostova and Pierre Bezukhov. Examples of true love. E. Pushkarev

The grammar of love. Ivan Bunin

The concept of love in the stories of I.A. Bunin. O. Eremina

Love and the "Garnet Bracelet". L.G. Boring

first love

The first obvious manifestations of sexual interest in a child occur at the age of 3 years and are directed at the parent of the opposite sex. So, for example, a boy "not childishly" is jealous when dad shows attention to mom, rushes to the parent's bedroom to sleep with mom, and the girl shows dad her outfits and skills, clings to him and tries to spend all the time with him, while he is at home.
In a harmonious family, where there is a father and mother who love not only their child, but also each other, the child goes through the full Oedipal phase of development, which leads to the formation of a personality most fully adapted to the realities of adult sexual life. In single-parent families or in families where the relationship between spouses is devoid of love and understanding, lack of a good example, bodily and other affection leads to difficulties in relationships with the opposite sex in the future.

E. Fromm identified two types of love that parents should give a child - conditional and unconditional. Under the normal course of events, a child who was imbued with such an attitude in childhood becomes capable of building mature relationships in adult life in which both of these components are indissolubly merged into one. Candidate of Psychological Sciences V. Buganova

“At 7-8 years old, the feeling of love continues to be little realized. Love during this period is manifested in the desire of children to spend time together, take care of each other, and give gifts. At this stage, the child does not just admire the object of love, as it was at the age of 3, but acts on it directly. At the third stage, at the age of 12-13, love is often associated with elements of fetishism. A teenager in love draws attention to certain elements of his appearance (long hair, slender legs, big eyes). Sexual attraction takes the form of a conscious desire for contact with a specific member of the opposite sex. Teenagers form mixed companies, try to play together, help each other. Girls like to succumb and lose to a certain boy, and boys like to beat a certain girl. In this period, a feeling of jealousy appears. The fourth period begins at the age of 15-17 and characterizes youthful love. He is characterized by a desire for mutual solitude, joint walks and conversations. At this stage, the main role is played by the knowledge of the object of love as a person". Doctor of History M.L. Butovskaya "Power, Gender and Reproductive Success". The book is in our library

During this period, for the first time, a new and powerful biological need appears and becomes the subject of consciousness and experience - sexual desire. She, like all biological needs of a person, acquires a different, mediated character in the process of development, which at first has nothing to do with sexuality.

I used to walk in a green garden, I thought I wouldn't go outside for a century,
And now in the evening the heels are burning, the little legs are frisky to dance they want
I will go out into the street, I will go to the girls, in a clear voice I will sing along to them.
From the song

100 years have passed:
Don't read lectures to me, mom, it's useless
Again to my friends I run away
What pulls me there, I don't know
I can't stay for a long time without music
Music bound us, became our secret
From a song.

And it will always be so.

Having entered the structure of already existing new formations (interests, moral and aesthetic feelings, attitudes and assessments), sexual attraction forms an attitude towards the other sex.

Three of my friends already have breasts and menstruation, they talk about it, and I sit next to them like a fool - no breasts and no menstruation ...
(from correspondence with readers of the newspaper "Speed-Info")

The brain and the entire nervous system of a teenager are in the stage of functional development. During this period of life, serious endocrine changes associated with puberty occur in the human body, which stimulates the instability of nervous processes, which in adolescents are manifested in the form of emotional unpredictable excitability. The intensive development and improvement of the central nervous system leads to unusual reactions to the effects of environmental factors (various mental overload, trauma, accidental or deliberate alcohol consumption).
Adolescence is most susceptible to sharp fluctuations in mental reactions. As shown by psychological observations of adolescents, they have stubbornness 6-7 times more often, flaunting their shortcomings 10 times and insufficiently motivated actions, that is, actions for which they themselves cannot explain the reasons, 102 times.

These features of the character and psyche of adolescents are caused by both physiological and psychological reasons. The period of rapid development is sometimes characterized by inconsistent development of individual organs and systems. For example, the rapid maturation of the endocrine system overtakes the corresponding development of the brain, the heart sometimes develops faster than the vessels, etc. This leads to increased fatigue of the teenager, and hence the growth of his unmotivated actions.
One of the psychological characteristics of adolescents is a pronounced need for recognition of their personality. For the sake of self-affirmation, they often commit negative actions. Teenagers are not confident in their own merits and at the same time want to show themselves as worthy. Their dependence on other people, on their opinions, is strongly expressed, and at the same time they really want to show themselves independent and independent in solving certain issues. They strive to plunge into adulthood as early as possible.

Mechnikov also noted that there is a sharp disharmony: the craving for sexual love (12-14 years old) appears when the girl's body is not adapted for normal childbirth. Moreover, if the girls are predominantly mentally - romantic instincts, then the guys are contact - genital.

Literally by day, the psychotherapist, sexologist Ph.D. Sci., Professor A.M. Poleev. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

So, adolescent falling in love (as we have already found out, this is an independent feeling, and not the first stage of great romantic love) consists of two main ideas (cognitive structures) and many emotional and vegetative (bodily) processes arising as a result of these ideas.
A.M. Poleev

Research by VTsIOM, Russians fell in love for the first time:
38% 13 - 16 years old
21% 17 - 19 years old
10% 20 years and older
9% 7 - 12 years old
3% in preschool age

The youngest mother in Russia since 2009. Valentina Isaeva from Kapotnya near Moscow. Valya became a mother when she was 11 years old. A schoolgirl became pregnant by a 17-year-old guest worker from Tajikistan Khabib Patakhonov.

Letter to the Club. "... allow me my situation, otherwise I am completely confused in myself. The problem is that the opinion of others is important to me. This is revealed in the fact that when a guy looks after me, I look at what my acquaintances will say when will see us together. It will be very offensive for me if there are negative opinions. I understand that beauty is not the main thing, but the mind is important. But it’s not about beauty, for example, it’s not very important to me as a guy on the face, but it’s important, how he dresses, how he looks, how he holds himself. And it is important when others look at us, respectively, and it affects me, such requests are not associated with a high position in society, I do not occupy that". Chamomile,
D. Philos. V.M. Rozin, who studied the adolescent subculture, notes the special role of conflicts at this age: "Family conflicts for a teenager are not side effects of informal life, but an object of pride. Informals constantly retell their home adventures to each other, and the more serious they are, the more the adolescent's status rises in the informal group. A teenager needs conflicts just like long hair or a riveted jacket to show off in front of peers".
The eternal conflict between fathers and children, which no generation has yet been able to resolve. And it will not succeed, because this is the next, important, inevitable age period of a teenager's cognition of life precisely through conflict, which means that it should not be avoided, but parents should be ready and experience constructively, patiently, without excessive drama. Thus, help your child through the experience of tension, exacerbation to gain life experience. Better a conflict between fathers and children than between children and justice.
Of course, there are teenagers with whom parents will not have problems - they are obedient, their parents' word is a law that they will not have the courage to challenge. These are usually weak-willed children, they are not able to stand up for themselves, to prove their case. If, in adolescence, parents find it easy with them, then real problems will come later.

First love is the same revolution: the monotonous correct order of the established life is broken and destroyed in an instant; youth stands on the barricade, its bright banner hovers high, and whatever lies ahead of it - death or a new life - it sends its enthusiastic greetings to everything.
I. S. Turgenev

Letter to the Club. I beg you, please help me. I think only you are able to help me. Now I am in wild fear and depression. It all started with the fact that I got into a bad company. A lot of guys immediately started to stick to me, and the girls from this company did not like it very much. They took me aside and beat me. There were seven of them, and I was alone. It was very scary, but I still, even in this fear, did not lose my self-esteem and managed to answer some girl with a pretty blow. Well, what else could I do? Koritza.
Combined with the purely biological issues of puberty, these psychological experiences create an explosive mixture that is difficult for both parents and teenagers to deal with.

K. Levin considered the adolescent to be a marginal person between two groups, who left the world of childhood and did not enter the world of adults.

A transitional age is such a terrible time when all children's rights are taken away from you, leaving all childish responsibilities, and given adult responsibilities, not providing adult rights.

This is how the "explosive mixture" looks from the inside:
Letter to the Club "... I am still very young, even young. What problems may I have?" You know, all day today I ask myself one question: "WHY?" As it happens with everyone, a black streak has gone in my life. Well, you know, nothing works, everything breaks off, breaks off. I'm breaking down. I hang out in public, always cheerful, no problem. Why do people around me need my problems, why bother, load others (?), And it's not difficult for me. So, when I am alone, of course, there is no mood, everything is bad, I don’t even have to boot, because I didn’t get out of this state. You know, when talking with friends, such black jokes fly through "ah, go hang yourself or something" or "that's it, prepare the coffin." Now I am writing, and goosebumps, how can you joke with such things?
In general, when I was lying in bed yesterday, trying to fall asleep (when I am a lot nervous, worried, there is no sleep, what kind of sleep ?, my soul is not right), I felt bad. Tears used to flow, now they are gone. I thought of a knife, an ordinary clerical knife, sharp as a blade. I pictured myself pointing the blade towards my hand, towards my left. As I slowly pierce the skin with it, the first droplets of blood emerge. You know, I immediately felt so easy, easy and that's it. As if I really did it and that's it, there will be no more problems, no more. How easy is it? It's easy to imagine, I know. NO, don't you think, I will never take my life, at least, I think so. My mom, dad, my relatives, friends. No, I cannot do that, they need me, they love me.
That's not all. I took my stationery knife. She began to drive them through the vein. I wanted to scratch myself with it, and I did it. I just scratched myself and that's it. Have you seen the movie "The Secretary"? There, the girl made herself small cuts and immediately covered them with iodine when she was nervous, but this is secondary. It's just that when I did THIS yesterday, I remembered this film. You know, I know a lot about myself, about my inclinations. But I just don't understand WHY I did it, why? After all, I was not going to cut myself and I am not going to, this is nonsense !!! It's hard for me to admit that I'm a weak person, it's very hard. And now this letter looks like sketches of an abnormal, unbalanced. I'm not like this! But why is this happening? " Dora.
The activity of sex hormones leads to a new phenomenon, attraction to the opposite sex, and then falling in love. Falling in love in adolescence is massive, rapidly spreading. Especially often this phenomenon reaches its peak in spring. The time of school love, for sure, remained in the memory of every person, despite his age.

... the emotional experiences of an older teenager associated with the phenomenon of love do not have semitones: from love to hate, and also back - one step. This is a specifically adolescent feeling mechanism, in which hatred often becomes a manifestation of love. Emotional changes in adolescents are closely associated in this period with hormonal changes, as well as with sensitivity to changes in their socio-psychological status. All this leaves a serious imprint on the experience of feelings of love in older adolescence. Feelings of both complete happiness and complete unhappiness can lead to inappropriate behavior of a teenager associated with unjustified risk, impulsivity of actions. Candidate of Psychological Sciences A.N. Fominova "The Many Faces of the Mystery"

To a large extent, youthful love is an attempt to achieve a clear definition of one's own identity, projecting a vague image of one's own ego onto another and observing it already reflected and gradually clearing up. That is why there is so much talk in youthful love.
E. Erickson

Letter to the Club". A 14-year-old daughter has problems with classmates. It seems to her that they, one after the other," went crazy. "The girls behave and look defiant, they get the boys and each other. they didn't grow up to scorpions, rather cockroaches. Previously, there were normal relations in the class, but then suddenly the interests began to differ sharply, and it started. The daughter among them feels like a nerd, well, she is not interested in smoking, drinking and hanging on boys. She is outwardly interesting, smart, physically stronger than all the girls in the class. But there was a birth trauma, so a weak nervous system, hyperactive childhood. Accordingly, she is quick-tempered, irritable, does not recognize any authorities, but is not arrogant. How to react to constant harassment, she no longer knows, does not want to fight, weaker personalities in the class have adopted a general demeanor.The trouble is that this idiocy in the class gets her so much that every day she goes to school almost in tears and I don't know what to do". L M
Ideas about what a loved one should be are often at odds with reality. The ideal image usually contains many exaggerated, non-existent requirements, and other important qualities are not realized.
This idealization is characteristic of lovers of both sexes, but girls tend to this more than boys. The younger and more inexperienced the lovers are, the more often their feelings are surrounded by a halo of romance. In the classroom, all cute boys and girls are already dating someone, and the rest are so boring and uninteresting ... To whom should they devote their feelings, how to realize their need to love? ..

Codependency in the form of stereotypes of behavior and feeling in the civilizational process of the cultural tradition, especially Russian, was accepted and approved by society as an ideal, promoted by art and literature. Any encroachment on these stereotypes is perceived as a deliberate revolt - the revolt of Anna Karenina in Tolstoy, Katerina in Ostrovsky and many other characters. On the other hand, the stories of Romeo and Juliet, Solveig, young Werther are interpreted as stories of great love, and not an obvious pathology of relationships.
doctor of pedagogical sciences I. Shapoval.

Many teens start dating just because they are afraid of being alone. But it will bring nothing but anxiety and bad memories, and is unlikely to be enjoyable. At this age, they are often afraid of other people's opinions, especially the opinions of peers. They are afraid to be "somehow not like that" ("not like that").
A lot of questions start to worry adolescents during this period. How to approach? What to talk about? What will he (she) think of me? Will she (him) find it boring and uninteresting with me? Of course, for adults, these questions seem naive and ridiculous, but after all, everyone once had a chance to experience anxiety about this. At first, adolescents experience self-doubt, discomfort, and anxiety. How should you care for a girl? How to accept signs of attention from a boy? How old is dating? When can and should you kiss?
Sometimes the concern is "Am I acting the right way?" can be so strong that it distracts from each other. But it is better to endure all this on time than later, when many will have to step over the psychological barrier and get rid of unnecessary complexes that grow to the size of a serious problem.

Who has not spent his youth days on love,
Let him know that they passed without benefit.

If in your youth you are unlucky and nothing shines in the near future, do not count these lost years. You are not only suffering, but also fulfilling an important and promising work - you accumulate the future "zest ..." Photo L. Zhukhovitsky

Before Paul McCartney's marriage to Linda had three violent falls in love, in which the girls rejected him, they did not like him.

In terms of the rate of puberty, emotional development and the formation of character and personal qualities, adolescents are very different. Some are sociable, energetic, cheerful, others are quiet, modest, shy. And if the former are in the center of all events due to their temperament and style of behavior and, accordingly, receive all signs of attention from the opposite sex, then the latter are more often left on the sidelines and are not spoiled by the attention of their peers. Until some point, this will go unnoticed, since adolescents prefer same-sex companies before puberty.

First love is content with everything. The object of the dreams of a girl in love is a complete distortion of reality; so, if he is stupid, then the absurdity of his gaze seems languid to her; he is sick - she finds him poetic; if he is well built, of course, he is a god of strength for her; arrogant - he seems passionate to her; selfish, so much the better, he will love her alone, because only she will be able to make him happy. How much poetry is spent by a young girl for some bastard! How many sighs have been emitted for the pale face of the melancholic! It’s a misfortune if seduction was added to all this lie! Woe to the young girl! Rest assured, the old red tape will be able to say with a long-learned accent: "I love you!"
P. Mantegazza

But when the epidemic of falling in love first infects one member of the company, then another, then a third, the remaining "quiet ones" will find themselves alone and feel an urgent need for communication, in the need to have a close friend of the opposite sex . do not bring their problems up for public discussion and prefer to talk less about it in general, this does not mean that everything is fine with them. They also live in anticipation of feelings.
Waiting for love can turn out to be a painful and dramatic experience: at night, tears into your pillow, envy of friends who are already dating someone, painful fantasies and dreams, and maybe resentment and anger at everyone around you. Some even have complexes due to the lack of the necessary attention and the inability to establish the desired relationship. Someone looks for the reason for this in their appearance (ugly, fat, too tall, etc.), someone - in insufficiently fashionable and expensive clothes.

The first snow is not winter, the first sweetheart is not a bride.
Russian proverb

For adolescents of both sexes, constantly replacing each other in love is the norm. This short period of time accommodates many events: a teenager chooses whom to fall in love with, looks for attractive features in the chosen one, finds ways to meet and get closer, maintains relationships, demonstrating his positive qualities, and finally experiences the end of the relationship. It's a whole life!
An abandoned teenager will be tormented by the question: "Why did this happen? Why did they stop loving me?" Some will begin to delve into themselves, look for reasons, their own shortcomings, but most often the alleged reasons turn out to be false, since the person who has fallen out of love himself cannot always objectively judge why this happened. Others will consider the one who left them guilty, which is also unlikely to be unambiguously true. It's just that at this age, feelings change very quickly and dramatically. But what about a teenager with his sufferings, because they are more than serious for him and can lead to depression and nervous breakdowns? This failure is far from the last in life, so you need to learn how to respond to them, gradually gain experience, albeit negative, behavior in such situations.

23% of Russians married "first love". The share of such respondents increases from 7% among 18-24 year olds to 34% among respondents aged 60 and over

The fat juror recalls that in his twenties he “fell head over heels in love” with his wife Natasha: “Now I would gladly whip myself for an early marriage, but then I don’t know what would have happened to me if Natasha had refused me ... Love was real, such as they describe in novels, mad, passionate, and so on".
Chekhov, A.P. "Strong sensations."

Letter to the Club. Hello, I ask for help! I have been dating a young man for 5 months, this is my truly first love, the relationship can be said to be ideal. I know that I love, but the last 3 days my state is close to panic, I'm afraid of something scary, adrenaline is released, palms are sweating, strange thoughts visit. I'm afraid of losing my love, my young man, I'm afraid to stop loving, but why am I afraid of this, if I love? panic begins: What's going on? What am I still afraid of ?: We want to live together, and I panic, what is the reason? Once it happened, with him, but somehow I overcame it, what about me now? This happened rather after we had not seen each other for a while, a week, one and a half or two: I beg you to help, I am tired of bad thoughts, I am afraid to do stupid things, I am in fear, which is exhausting me: NADI
Of course, it is difficult to explain to a teenager that the feeling that at the moment is "love for life" for him, in fact, is just the first adolescent love, passing infatuation. If adolescent falling in love is not yet adult love, then the experiences of suffering, fears of tears in their capture, depth, drama are in no way inferior to adults.

In youth we live to love, in adulthood we love in order to live.
Ch. Saint-Evremont

When I was 20 years old, I thought only about love. Now I only like to think.
F. Ranevskaya

The study of the dynamics of the psychological content of romantic love in the period of early adolescence (from 15 to 17 years) was carried out through a comparative analysis of the data obtained in groups of 15, 16 and 17 years. The results obtained the following data. "Scales of emotional states of love" indicate that from 15 to 17 years there is a gradual increase in the severity of the experiences of romantic love of the following states: 1) admiration (15 years-81%, 16 years-86%, 17 years-88%); 2) intoxication (15 years-70%, 16 years-70%, 17 years - 77%); 3) sadness (15 years old - 44%, 16 years old - 50%, 17 years old - 56%), 4) confusion (15 years old - 40%, 16 years old - 50%, 17 years old - 56%). Dynamics of tenderness: 15 years old - 90%, 16 years old - 91%, 17 years old - 89%. Candidate of Psychological Sciences S. V. Nesyna "Romantic love in early youth as a psychological phenomenon"

Everyone will behave differently: someone will need to stay alone, collect their thoughts, cry into the pillow, feel sorry for themselves and remember the best moments associated with their first unhappy love. Someone will go to their best friends to pour out their grief to them, discuss the situation, maybe get advice and support; worse, if behind the joint development of a plan of revenge on the offender. There are also such overly purposeful natures who do not want to come to terms with refusal, and will continue to remind of themselves and seek to continue the relationship. This is perhaps the most unfortunate variant of behavior, which will only aggravate the situation. A teenager who has chosen this method risks appearing humiliated and pitiful in the eyes of the object of his love, can cause a rude and harsh response and will only add reasons for worry. It is better to talk about your problems with adults who have more life experience and can give the right advice in a particular situation.
Long sincere anguish
Her young breasts were pressed against her
The soul was waiting ... for someone.
A.S. Pushkin
Some teenagers, especially girls, being in a state of "waiting for love" and not finding a worthy object nearby, fall in love with the hero's body. A "he" appears - the one that more than corresponds to the idea of an ideal guy: handsome, charming, smiling, elegant, always dressed in the latest fashion, moves great, and what a voice he has! .. Yes, he is really worthy of love. As a rule, he is a member of a boy pop group or an actor. The collection of any information about this handsome man begins: photographs, articles in newspapers and magazines, posters, tracking all television programs with his participation, collecting audio and video recordings .. It is on the satisfaction of these requests that a whole direction in the pop business is built, thought out in detail and professionally organized creation of idols. Honoring talents is a natural activity in itself, but only if it does not cause unhealthy mental reactions.
Dreamy letters come from such girls, "... I wish I had beauty and breasts like Anna Semenovich" or ": I wish I could be popular and slender like Christina Orbakaite, I could find my great love" ... And what, Anna Semenovich and Kristina Orbakaite with their bright dignity are happy in love? Or here are three more stories under the slogan:

Of all the arguments against love, the appeal is especially close to me: “Caution! You will suffer".
Clive Lewis

Joan Stingray, daughter of a millionaire. In the 80s, she was in love with Russia and rock. With his energy, talent, money, he participates in many rock parties and projects. Falls in love with rock musician Yuri Kasparyan. It took a lot of work to register the marriage, the influence of his father, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, was used. The fight for a marriage license lasted longer than the marriage itself, divorced. But Joan is energetic, full of creative plans. In a new rock project, she again falls madly in love with drummer Alexander Vasiliev, again a struggle for permission to register and an equally quick divorce. The difference is that after a second unsuccessful marriage, she has a daughter. After that, Joan grows cold towards rock projects and rock musicians and brings up his Russian daughter Madison Vasilyeva in America. Joanne: "In addition to love, for a family to exist, you also need mutual understanding."
The famous presenter Ksenia Strizh aka Ksenia Volyntseva was married 3 times (at least). The first husband is very correct and religious - he went to a monastery. The second, a handsome man with an athletic build, was his main manhood.
When she was 22 years old, and Andrei Makarevich 36, and who by this time was in his second marriage, they began to live together. They lived in a country house because his wife lived in his Moscow apartment. The four years they lived together were rich in different events, but by the end of the relationship, the feelings fizzled out and they parted as friends. The result of youth: "Love is a provocation, a person deserves more than love."
The next result. Xenia, 50 years old, an energetic mistress of her life, is not used to waiting for mercy from fate. For the third year I have been married to Andrei Susikov (33): “I had a lot of whirlwind romances, now I think that this time and energy, thrown into the wind, they did not give me anything, and even vice versa. I realized that love is a very calm, even feeling".

A very similar story. Tatiana Romanenko is a television pseudonym Tutta Larsen, a talented, and therefore popular, popular TV presenter, showman. Sadly she tells her life story. More than once I fell in love passionately, and it seemed for the rest of my life. Each time she chose the man herself. Energetic, strong, easily navigates the situation, earns enough: "Pay in a restaurant, a taxi, and for yourself and for him, no problem ..." But all the stormy falls in love ended dramatically or tragically. The first child was born dead, due to heavy nervous stress, the second child was born without a father. The result of this stage of life: "I got my hands on everything. Enough." But Tatyana has a strong maternal instinct, which means that life takes its toll. Marfa (2010) and Ivan (2015) are born in a marriage with Valery Koloskov .

Recognizing only suffering in love,
She has lost her desire
And again he does not ask to love ...
A. Delvig

There are many courses and books on the "man of my dreams" theme. They are also in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
Victoria Isaeva “Where and how to meet the man of your dreams? 49 simple rules "
Freya Eostre “True love. A guide to finding and attracting the man of your dreams "

Those. in love it is not enough to be beautiful and talented, it is not enough to get what she herself wanted - the man of her dreams. First you need knowledge: what is love, and for who is it available.

… the memory of first love has its own dynamics. So with age, from a romantic story, first love becomes an adventure-event in an autobiographical narrative (interpretation). The ratings of love also change towards the complication and differentiation of ideas about the first love. Candidate of Psychological Sciences I.A. Tregubenko

In our time of the next raging wave of the "sexual revolution", in most cases, young people begin their sex life before marriage, often while still schoolchildren. What was previously considered a shame for girls and was kept in the strictest confidence has now become a norm of behavior, and sometimes even a source of pride.

Young people are charged, or rather infected by our culture with sexual temptation.

Seduction is a cultural form of desire; natural desire is lost in temptation. Seduction is the substitution of play for love. Seduction is formed as a playful version of the transformed (burdened with drama, passion) form of love.
... Stabilization of play in modern culture is achieved through ceremonial, which is considered as the process of combining play and sex, thereby going beyond the opposition of love and sex. Doctor of Philosophy O.I. Nikolina

Let's take a closer look at the motives of adolescents' early sexual intercourse. It should be noted that they are different for boys and girls. For young men, sex is often a means of self-affirmation in the eyes of peers. Interest in sexual relations appears earlier among young men, so they turn out to be more knowledgeable and informed than girls. The presence of theoretical knowledge about sexual relations between the sexes naturally arouses the curiosity and desire of adolescents to apply them in practice and get those sensual pleasures that they learn about from older and more experienced children. In addition, the beginning of sexual activity allows not only to satisfy physical needs, but also to feel adult and independent, as well as to rise in the eyes of friends. This often leads to exaggeration and numerous stories of sexual victories.
In the public consciousness, the traditional idea of sensations during the first sexual intercourse as an indispensable pleasure and pleasure is fixed. The young man actually gets these sensations physically even at the first intimacy. Most girls for the first time not only do not receive physical satisfaction, but also experience negative feelings: disappointment, anxiety, awkwardness, regret for what they have done, contempt for themselves or for their partner. But this is only part of the difficulties that a girl faces when entering into the first intimate relationship.

Is it possible to "cure" falling in love clinically? How is a related OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) treated ? Parents of every teenager who is "madly in love" would like to know the answer to this question. Anthropology professor at Rutgers University (New Jersey, USA) Rutgers Helen Fisher believes that the feeling of falling in love can actually be weakened, but only at its early stage. OCD has low levels of the enzyme serotonin. Drugs such as the antidepressant Prozac work by retaining serotonin in the brain longer than usual, so they can inhibit the development of love (this also means that people taking antidepressants run the risk of weakening their ability to fall in love). But when the intensity of falling in love has already reached dominance, any drugs are unlikely to be able to limit it.

The most striking work of all times and peoples about "first love" is, of course, "Romeo and Juliet". According to the Italian version, the heroes met at a carnival festival in the winter of 1302. Juliet's exact age is indicated, 14 years old, it is assumed that Romeo is two years older.
"Try to answer without thinking: what is the play" Romeo and Juliet "about? The automatic answer, of course:" About love. "And this is the only possible wrong answer. As a work of genius," Romeo and Juliet " - about everything; and only love is not in this phenomenon of art - because Shakespeare knew: love does not live in the world of hate and prejudice he described. This "misunderstanding" is associated with the well-known, in general, the phenomenon of mixing the concepts of love and falling in love.
The tragedy of the story of Romeo and Juliet is an endless series of events that will continue to occur, the whole brilliance of this story lies not in the exclusivity of the plot, but in the genius who described it". A. Babin psychotherapist, N. Anikina" Is "first love" real?

Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet at the very end of the 16th century. and at that time, young people experiencing a variety of amorous inclinations did not even dream of repeating this crazy act. But after the release of the novel in the letters of JV Goethe "The Sorrows of Young Werther" (1774), an epidemic of young people's suicides from unhappy love went through Europe. Between these striking works, and more after them, many similar amorous - suicidal clones were written, which "ennobled, elevated" unleashed a tragic suicidal flywheel.

According to the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation, 737 teenagers committed suicide in 2014. (2 teenagers per day)

In 2013, Russia, according to the chief state sanitary doctor of the Russian Federation, academician of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences G. Onishchenko, again ranks first in Europe in the number of suicides among children and adolescents.

Pakistani "Romeo and Juliet".
Parents electrocuted Pakistani teenagers in love - 15-year-old Bakht Jan and 17-year-old Rehman (August 2017), they wanted to get married and made such a decision without the advice of their elders. The families were pushed to the honor killings by representatives of the jirga, the local council of elders. Bakht Jan was killed first, and Rehman the next day. Such killings are prosecuted by law, but traditions are stronger and in Pakistan many hundreds of such "honor killings" are committed by relatives.

In terms of depth and tragedy, Romeo-Juliet stories are no exception, and the daily stories that happened yesterday will happen today and tomorrow.
A case from life. Vadim and Nadya were 21 years old, Vadim had been courting Nadya since school, and when he proposed to her to become his wife, she refused, but offered to remain friends. Several times Vadim started a conversation about his love for Nadya, but every time she stopped him, saying that she didn’t feel anything like that for him.
When, according to old memory, Nadya was visiting Vadim, he offered to go to the balcony, there he took a bottle of gasoline prepared in advance, poured it over himself and flicked a lighter. When Vadim's mother came running to the balcony in response to a wild cry, she saw two living torches. From the resulting burns, Nadya died almost immediately. Vadim survived, he underwent several operations, his face was terribly disfigured: he had no lips, so his teeth were constantly visible, there was no nose, eyebrows, hair, there were continuous scars and scars. He had severe burns to his respiratory organs, so he was almost constantly connected to the artificial ventilation system, all this brought pain. There was a chance that Vadim would survive, but he would remain disabled for the rest of his life. All this time, Vadim's mother rarely left his bed and saw his suffering. To save her son from suffering and hopelessness, she turned off the ventilation system. After Vadim's death, she was tried for murder committed in a state of passion.

In Turkey, in 1999, after the song "bu aksam olurum" ("this evening I will die" - the direct speech of a man who decided to commit suicide out of love) became a hit, more than 15 people committed suicide, its broadcast was banned ... You can listen to the song online.

I have long since decided to leave this life, but I don’t know where ... (from the correspondence with the readers of "Speed-Info")

If we use the advice of S. Freud "... it is necessary that science, with coarser touches and not at all for pleasure, dealt with the same issues, the poetic treatment of which people have enjoyed from time immemorial."
And the statements of eminent scientists.
E. Fromm:
"Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It involves caring, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop. It is a manifestation of closeness between two human beings, provided maintaining the integrity of each of them". In the other place:
"... Care and interest lead to another aspect of love: responsibility. A loving person feels responsibility for all others, as he feels responsibility for himself. Responsibility could easily degenerate into a desire for superiority and domination, if there would not be such a component of love as respect, which means the ability to see a person as he is, to be aware of his unique personality. Respect means the desire for the other person to grow and develop as he is".

K.G. Jung "MARRIAGE AS A PSYCHOLOGICAL RELATIONSHIP". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...":
"Young people who have reached marriageable age, of course, have ego-consciousness (as a rule, girls are more than young men), but since they have only recently emerged from the fog of primordial unconsciousness, they should certainly have wide zones which are still in the shadows and, to a certain extent, hinder the formation of a psychological relationship.In practice, this means that a young man (or a young woman) has only a limited understanding of himself and others, which means that they are not sufficiently aware of both their motives and and about the motives of other people.As a rule, the motives underlying their actions are predominantly unconscious.Of course, subjectively, such a young man (or girl) considers himself to be highly conscious and aware, for we all constantly overestimate the existing content of consciousness; that is why we are so strongly impressed by the discovery that something that seemed to us the ultimate peak is only the first step in a very long and difficult climb to the genuine summit. The larger the zone of unconsciousness, the less marriage turns out to be a matter of free choice, which is subjectively manifested in the fatal compulsion that a person feels so keenly when he is in love".

only a fully matured soul can truly love ...
V. G. Belinsky

The second half will be found when the first is full. Don't look for half-empty halves for yourself. When the full half appears, the soul magnet will work.
Karl Marx

It can be said for sure that Romeo and Juliet, like all their contemporary peers, did not experience love because it is still too complex for them, and therefore inaccessible phenomenon. The teenager's psyche has not yet matured to such adult concepts and feelings: "... a person feels responsibility for all neighbors, as he feels responsibility for himself, so that another person grows and develops as he is." all life situations, especially in difficult ones.
And the teenager's psyche is busy with other more important processes for her that she needs to master during this period. For adolescents, personal experiences are often more important than the object of affection. They are attracted not so much by representatives of the opposite sex by themselves, but by their new, exciting sensations from communicating with them. But since these sensations are the first in life, incomparable with anything previously experienced, adolescents are tormented by curiosity: what feelings are experienced by other peers of the same sex? Of course, adolescents share their impressions with each other, strive to imitate girls (boys) who are especially popular in the classroom or in the yard, and often brag about their victories in order to raise their own status among their peers.

First love requires only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.
B. Shaw
Letter to the Club. Hello. I'm 17 My problem is that I just don't understand my boyfriend's feelings. Does he need me or not? Sometimes it starts to seem to me that he is just playing with me, because on his part, some kind of chill is coming. He shows with all his appearance that we are just passing the time. But as soon as I move away from him, he begins to call and demand tenderness and love from me. At this moment I feel that he needs me: but a day passes and he is the same again. I remember how, once again feeling his indifference to me, I just stopped calling. After 2 weeks, he calls and asks where she disappeared. And I pretend not to get it started to tell how cool I have a rest. And vosche och coldly talked to him. More precisely, not cold, but like a bitchy viper. I teased him, made it clear that he was nobody and that everything was great without him! He felt uncomfortable, and then suddenly I heard from him for the first time that he wanted to know whether I was with him or what ??: I realized that he was hurt by the fact that they could leave such a beautiful and cool one. At first, I walked around the bush, but then I told the type all the rules and so that he did not take a steam bath. And after a while he told me that he likes it when I am a little bit of a bitch. He may not be the most perfect guy, but he is a good person. I trust him me well with him. I like him the way he is. I don’t want him to change. The problem of the current is that I don’t understand his feelings. Does he love me or not? "FelistA
FelistA loves you or not, he doesn’t know for sure because neither he nor you have been taught how to distinguish love from falling in love, other attractions.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-lovers. E. Pushkarev

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

... in the evening, after school , Masha and I went for a walk in the park, which we have a bad reputation for. Suddenly a stranger came out of the bushes. He had everything ready for the rape ...
Natasha S.

"First love" is the first love, a transitional age, a difficult period in the life of every person. And it will be more useful if young people begin to draw knowledge not only from fiction, "soap operas", pop music, but also from what science has prepared. The transitional age is a rapidly passing period in which it is so important not to make mistakes that cannot be corrected later. And sexual love is available only to a mature person who has already decided on the main priorities in life.

Being capable of true love means becoming mature with realistic expectations for the other person. This means taking responsibility for our own happiness and grief, never expecting to be made happy by another, and not blaming him for our bad moods and inactivity.
"We. The deepest aspects of romantic love." Robert A. Johnson.

There is love, but it is not for infants. This is an adult feeling. You cannot buy it, you cannot get it by pull, you cannot steal it, you cannot take it away, you cannot beg. One can only mature before him. Grow up!
Psychologist E. Belyakova "Love is not for the infantile!"
An adult infant is one of the forms of low level of psychological health.

The report "Psychological health, its criteria and signs of impairment" is devoted to the psychological health of schoolchildren. Available in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

People's Artist of Russia L. Senchina: "In the tenth grade, the most beautiful high school student looked after me, we had a romantic relationship, a real first love. At the graduation party for the first waltz, he invited not me, but another girl. For it was a terrible shock to me. How are we friends with him? It was like a stab in the heart, it was a tragedy that I hadn’t met yet. I just didn’t know what to do? I ran into the darkest corner of the school and cried for a long time There could be no question of any holiday.
In my later life there were many emotional storms, passions, divorces, but I remember that story in every detail. It seems to me that it was with her that my adult life began. Because I began to understand that besides me there are other people with their own interests, experiences no less than mine. If at that time a terrible shock occurred for me at the graduation party, now I remember that story with a smile and am grateful to fate for having it".

Victor Hugo, experiencing "first love", or rather violent love, married Adele Fouche at the age of 20, young, fresh, infinitely tender: I love you so much that tears of tenderness
Flow from my eyes at your name ...
In another letter: “Do I exist for my own happiness? No, my whole existence is entirely devoted to her, even independently of her. And by what right do I dare to count on her love? What does it matter if it doesn't harm her happiness? It is my duty to stay close to her, to surround her with my presence, to serve as an obstacle to her from all dangers; to expose her head as a stone with which she could cross the river of difficulties; to stand incessantly between her and her sorrows, without demanding reward and without expecting compensation ... Alas! If only she would allow me to devote my life to anticipating her every desire, her every whim; if only she would allow me to kiss her lovely footprints with reverence; if only she would agree to at least sometimes rely on me in the midst of the difficulties of life".
Victor Hugo by Juliette Drouet
But, as befits love, it soon passes, but children have family obligations: formal relationships. He is 31 years old, he is already a well-known writer meets the actress, beauty, courtesan Juliette Drouet, an exciting novel arises, "Mother gave birth to me, and you created me ... I kiss your soul. You are beauty, you are light. I adore you." which will last more than half a century. On the day of their "golden wedding", the writer gave Juliette his photograph with the inscription: "Fifty years of love - this is the most beautiful marriage." From the last letter: "Dear, my beloved, I do not know where I will be at this time next year, but I am happy and proud that I can sign the certificate of my life in two words:" I love you. Juliet ". A very similar story with another prominent person Denis Diderot

At the first love, the soul is taken before the body; later, souls are taken first, and sometimes souls are not taken at all.
Victor Hugo

I would like to end this chapter with quotations from the philosopher and publicist Mikhail Osipovich Menshikov, written at the end of the 19th century, but today they sound even more relevant than more than a century ago. Unfortunately, today's journalism has not yet reached the cultural level of the century before last.

More details:
Literature has played a huge role in the love cult. M.O. Menshikov. ;
Superstitions and the truth of love. M.O. Menshikov ;

“I feel that I say unpleasant things for many, but every young man and girl who enters into life needs to know clearly not only about the magical dreams awaiting them, but also about the bitter disappointments after them, about the difficult drama that almost every love is accompanied by with such inevitability as the sweet dreams of an opiophage (addict - ed.) - followed by a hangover. Sexual love is a passion so heavy that a large reserve of moral strength is needed in order to meet and endure it with dignity and safely. It is necessary to prepare for this period of life with fear, as for a great test".

“Remember that Romeo and Juliet were almost children; she was not even 14 years old, and Romeo was no longer his first love. Thus, sexual desire sometimes arises long before puberty; it is, as it were, a psychosis of maturation, a vague echo of that nervous fermentation that is just beginning to take shape in a person".
“Young men must be prepared for sexual life not in the way that immoral poets and fiction writers are now preparing them, not with seductive, subtly pornographic pictures of raptures, supposedly divine, but in essence animals, but in the way they were prepared in the old days in good families. Then they cherished not only the physical, but also the mental innocence of young men like the apple of an eye...".
“We all grew up in the cult of love and are accustomed to considering sexual passion as something beautiful; the story of Romeo and Juliet is of particular concern to us; their suicide seems tragic, i.e. not only terrible, but also majestic, worthy of imitation. Yes, imitations, and there is no doubt that many young couples who committed suicide owe this suggestion to Shakespeare's tragedy. All the love of this story seems extremely disastrous, but extraordinarily beautiful, and its outcome is sublime. Meanwhile, what is so beautiful in this height of almost animal sensuality, in the madness of two young, almost childish souls, in the heap of lies and streams of blood? What is there sublime - to kill yourself on the corpse of a person whose soul did not even know, but loved only the body? "
"Have mercy, - thinks the young man. - How is love not a holy feeling? After all, it is sung by poets!" But, dear young man! You never know what things poets do not sing! There is no mortal sin that does not find its Homer. "
“Count L.N. Tolstoy notes in one place: “I am not talking about the love of a young man for a young girl and vice versa, I am afraid of these tenderness, I was so unhappy in life that I never saw in this kind of love a single spark of truth, but only a lie, in which sensuality, marital relations, money, desires to tie or untie one's hands so confused the very feeling that nothing could be made out".

The conclusions made by the psychologist V.V. Kolotilina, who studied the experiences of first love:
1. The experience of experiencing the feeling of first love has a significant impact on the further choice of a partner for personal, family life.
2. The dramatic, difficult nature of the experience of first love negatively affects the success of a person's personal, family life.
3. The image of the first partner in a love relationship influences the choice of a real partner in subsequent relationships, especially with the dramatic nature of the experience of first love, where similar personal characteristics are found between the partner in the first love relationship and those that followed.

Don't abuse the power of the Internet! Never look for your first love: 62% of searches end up in the destruction of marriage and family.
Nancy Kalish, professor of psychology at the University of Sacramento

E Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTENED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

Articles on the same topic:

Is "first love" real? A. Babin, N. Anykina.

"First love" and its outcome. D. Kelis, K. Phillips.

If to eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

How to understand a guy. E. Pushkarev

First love. I.S. Turgenev.

First love. Ray Bradbury.

First love. F.V. Bulgarin.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love and love. V. Albisetti

K.S. Lewis

In our library there are books dedicated to the "first love":

Yuri Andreev "A frank conversation, or conversations about life with his son-high school student at the limit of possible frankness"

"ABC of love for teenagers"

Sergey Golod "Transformation of erotic-emotional relations of youth throughout the twentieth century"

Igor Kon “Teenage sexuality on the threshold of the XXI century. Socio - pedagogical analysis "

Alexander Vasyutin, NS Vasyutina "A rebellious clot of hormones: a teenager and how to help him become an adult"

Viktor Kagan "Educator about sexology"

Evgeny Kashchenko, Anna Kotenyova "Straight talk about it with a teenager"

Evgeniy Kashchenko, Anna Kotenyova "Sex education for children and adolescents"

Victor Pekelis "How to find yourself"

Vladimir Polikarpov "The Psychology of First Love"

Lynn Ponton “Teen Sexual Life. Discovery of the secret world of maturing adolescents "

Les and Leslie Parrott "Myths about marriage, which are best dispelled before the wedding"

Vadim Rozin "Love and Sexuality in Culture, Family and Views on Sex Education"

Meg Higling "How to Talk to Your Child About Sex"

Iliya Shugaev “Once in a lifetime. Conversations with high school students about marriage, family and children "

and others.

You can learn about the variety of the problem of "first love" from the letters that came to the Club

Hello! My name is Katya and I am 17 years old. I am dating a guy for 4 months, he is 19 years old. Of these four months, we often saw only one month, and the other 3, once every two weeks. The reason for this was his employment (he also left for another city). All my friends, girlfriends condemn him for not coming to me and even sometimes that he does not call, they think that he is just comfortable with me because I fully satisfy his needs. And when meeting, he behaves calmly in the sense that he does not rush at me with hugs, etc. And in spite of the fact that I really want to do it myself, I kind of start playing the same game and also behave like him. Despite this, I fell in love with him. And I understand that I am divided in my thoughts, on the one hand, I try to justify him to myself and to those around him, that he has such an adult love that he is really very busy, I believe in his every word. On the other hand, I doubt his love for me, I delve into every word that he said to me, there is a feeling that I live in his lie. I am very afraid to be in the position that was about ten months ago. Then I was abandoned by a young man whom I loved very much. We met with him for two years. The reason was probably that he stopped loving me. Now I don't worry about this anymore. Can you please tell me if I should talk to my boyfriend about his attitude towards me? And how to do it right? Thanks! Kate

Hello. Please help me figure out the situation! I have been dating a young man for almost 2 years now. Me and he are 19 years old. We love each other. But there is a problem. We do not fit each other absolutely. We have a different upbringing, a different worldview. All these 2 years we very often quarreled, we practically tolerate each other. And we endure because we love. I don't see our future. No children, no family. I can only imagine how he will sit at the PC and work, or play. Moreover, he does not intend to spend his earned money on me. Only on yourself, on the car, on the computer. And I will continue to endure, and cook, wash, clean without his help, as is happening now.
He is like a child to me, but I myself want to relax and feel like a woman. I understand that I can live with him all my life and endure him all my life for the sake of love, as my mother of my father once tolerated. But I don’t want a life like my mother’s, I want to be a woman. I want to feel protected, to feel the help of a loved one, etc. But if I break up, then maybe everything will be different, and I can find myself another, more suitable person. But I cannot part, I love my boyfriend too much. I can't imagine myself without him. I am very used to him, as he is to me. But with him it is very difficult for me. He himself understands everything perfectly, and even wants to correct himself, but he cannot, it does not work out. What to do? To part and look for someone else, stay with him and endure all his life. Or is it possible to somehow change the situation? Larr

Hello. I'm 16 I'm cheerful, handsome, tall: but I can't live the way I want because of one problem. In general, it all began in childhood, he lived in the suburbs like an ordinary child, played with children, etc., but when I went to school in Moscow, everything changed, no one could know what I really am. I was the most silent in the class, because of this, they began to pester me, I could not give change, cried a lot because of all sorts of trifles at the most unnecessary moment, I was friends with "suckers", mb slowed down in some moments. In the 5th grade, I met a bully, at first he defended me, but then, on the contrary, began to control me and humiliate me more than anyone else. I considered my life at school a torment. Then two of his friends also began to humiliate me, it was like a toy for them, but I went everywhere with them, then one of them was kicked out of school, and gradually they began to respect me, Then they all even asked me for forgiveness, but I really forgave only one of them and now he is in our company, but THAT time has passed now I am different, but I still have a communication problem.
I have long wanted to meet a girl, I met. But next to her I just do not find such thoughts about what to talk about. Because of this, she cannot recognize me, because with friends I talk and laugh a lot. And she thinks I'm loaded, etc, but she's not! I can communicate well in my company there I can be myself, sometimes I am sometimes considered a little emotional, like I say everything in one tone. I have nothing to say with her, I sit and stare at one point and think about something, or I just look at her, but I don’t speak. Here actually my story, the problem. Advise what. Rokky

Hello. I address my question not to psychotherapists, but to your Club, because it seems to me that you will be able to answer it more fully and more clearly to me. Although, maybe I'm not right. I was very lucky with a young man. He is wonderful: caring, gentle, thoughtful, loves me very much. And it's not only about his personal qualities, but also about the fact that for 5 months we have been living with him in perfect harmony (do not think that we live together). I love him, he is me. And everything's good. But recently, something happened; no, not between us. We began to quarrel almost every day, and practically for no reason, but this is my opinion, for him we argue about something very important and meaningful We quarrel because of the words spoken to each other, about views, about expressions. And I don’t understand who originally came from. What happened? How well we loved each other before these hurtful quarrels. Neya

Hello! Help me please. I am 18 years old, I love one guy since 12 years old. Before we were just friends. And last year he asked me to marry him. He is 21 years old. We live in different cities, we come to the same city to visit our grandmothers only in the summer. He called me all this year, sent postcards, I did it too. We agreed to get married in 5 years, a year has already passed. I don't know if he loves me. How can you test his love? Rimma

The thing is, I have a rather commonplace problem. I'm Ksusha. I don't know how to understand the relationship of a guy with whom I am very in love. I am pretty, and with Lesha we are in the same company, where, by the way, I am the only girl. But ... I don't know what to do. It seems that I am on good terms with everyone from the company, everyone communicates with me normally, only me and Lesha - for some reason we keep away from each other. I do not know why it is so! It is as if some kind of tension hangs in the air between us. I am very much in love with him and I suffer very much because of this strange distance between us ...
No, we are in a normal relationship, there have never been any quarrels or offenses, we communicate normally in ICQ, but why, then, we keep away from each other? .. I love him, but he does not know about it ... Is he really shy? .. But why? Please help me! What should I understand from all this? How to understand how he feels? .. How to let him know that I like him? I feel very bad! .. Ksyusha

Hi. I am 20 years old. I meet a girl (she is 19), she, echoing with me - I am her sixth. Therefore, various negative thoughts arise, resulting in anger and anger, a desire to break off relations.
The fact is that at the beginning of our acquaintance, I thought that I was also second to her and seemed to be resigned, but later facts about her past life began to emerge. The image of a "good" girl began to crumble. It is clear that there was nothing "big and bright" (she herself admits it), because in 2 years there were 5 people. Says: "Amorous". In one wise book, this is called fornication.
I don’t want to be "one of", I don’t want to share it with her past, because it seems that during this time she managed not only to gain experience of sexual life, but also to waste something very pure, light, intimate. Something that can only be felt at a subtle level. And this for me, no doubt, is much more important. He says he loves. I value it too. But these thoughts are constantly teasing ... Answer the cry of the soul. The strength is running out.

Hello. I would like to share with you my spiritual "State". I love, I really love, but He doesn’t love! we live in the same yard, and here it is like an inspiration, like a bolt from the blue!
One fine day, absolutely by chance, we get to know each other. And here I understand that this is exactly the one I have been waiting for all this time. After communicating with Him, my desire to know Him better becomes more and more (which is very rare in such cases). I want to communicate with Him, I like listening to Him, looking into His eyes, smelling Him. I do not feel a frank attraction to Him, I am attracted to Him by something else. This has never happened to me. I want to know Him! It's not enough for me that there is now. We are practically we do not communicate, but every moment, every our meeting I remember as if it were yesterday.
What can you do, life is life. I am not upset, although, of course, my soul is not good at times ... It is His business, he does not want, as he wants ... I have no right to make me fall in love. I thought to open up my feelings to Him, but then I didn’t do it. If I just good friend, He will feel very uncomfortable and then, I will simply lose Him. I really do. I love Him because He exists, I love Him because He awakened such a feeling in me. I am grateful to Him for all this, I am grateful to Him that He gave me those moments, those minutes of communication. I am inspired by what I am experiencing, a pure, sincere feeling. I feel good.
I have a lot of "fans", there is someone to choose from, adults, serious, wealthy, there are young people, but that's not it! No, not that! I only want Him! And I don't need anyone else! Flirting is flirting, you can shovel this in my life with shovels, but wings grow not from this, but from that feeling! I've already got used to it (I like this person for about two years) ...
I do not indulge myself in hopes, perhaps girls like me are not His type! Although, I don't understand His taste. I come from a well-to-do intelligent family. Highly pretty, (even "beautiful" - as absolutely everyone tells me (I can send my photo)), smart, well-read, wise girl, very reasonable, understanding ... Perhaps you might think that I have a high opinion of myself .. I don’t know ... I say what it is.
In general, I am very sociable, it is easy for me to find a common language with very different people, but I cannot find my like-minded people. People who will understand, help, point out mistakes, give advice ... After meeting with Him, I began to think more about life. Well, what else do you need from life? Only that missing half is needed ... I often think about all this ... I always felt that I was missing something, and only now I realized that I was missing Him ... Well, how should I be? Violence

My name is Tonya, I am 19 years old, and I would like to ask the following. I have a young man, we have been dating for 2 years, we love each other very much. But I recently read that men love those women who are inaccessible to them, or, as my friend puts it, "the farther you kick, the closer it will be." I understand that this is perhaps more interesting, but in our relations there are loud scandals, some kind of intrigue: everything is cute and fluffy (although this is annoying at times). If there are quarrels, then by the evening they will certainly come to naught, and after them the feelings become stronger. Is this possible in true love? Please tell me if I should change anything in the relationship or should I not dwell on this issue so much ... Thank you. Best regards, Tonya.

Hello Eugene. Can you please tell me what to do. I'll start from afar, from the very beginning. In the spring of last year, we have new neighbors - two young guys. We became friends with one of them. We spent a lot of time together: we sat at his house, watched TV, went for a walk. As friends. I'm very used to it. When we could not see each other, he always called me. Once, he confessed his love to me via SMS. I didn't expect this. I considered him only a friend and did not see him as a potential boyfriend. I didn't answer him. A week later (at the end of August) I went to the hospital, I told him. I had an operation. I stayed in the hospital for about three weeks. During this time, he wrote me at most 6 SMS. On the day I was discharged, he came to see me. He said that he had lost my mobile phone number and asked him to give it. But since I had to give the phone back, I didn't give him the number. What for? She said to call home. I'm at home anyway, because my leg was plastered. He left. He never called me. My friend saw him and asked why she wasn’t calling. He answered that it was a shame, because Haven't called and visited me for a long time. All this time I thought only of him, he never left my head for a second. When I completely recovered, at the end of March, I still wrote him a text message myself. I sent some kind of poem. He replied. So the second stage of our relationship began ... We began to correspond. Every day, for a long time. I was very happy. He immediately told me that he had a girlfriend, but for some reason I didn't give a damn about it. It seemed to me that with this he wanted to hook me somehow. Our SMS was pretty frank. He wrote that he wanted to see me in his bed. What he wants, coming home from work, to see me at his place ... But the matter did not go further than SMS. Closer to summer we saw each other. He invited me to his place. We sat and talked about abstract topics ... He never spoke about his girlfriend again, but I knew that he was with her. We began to meet with him more often, at his home. We lay on the couch, hugging. He could fall asleep in my lap ... He could crawl under my jacket, not embarrassed by his friends. We saw each other three times a month. At the very beginning of July, we kissed for the first time ... I was in seventh heaven with happiness. I was afraid that I had fallen in love with him ...
April 25 was dr. at my friend's. In the afternoon, Sasha and I (that is his name) saw each other. We were going to celebrate at the apartment of friends. Sasha was not there, he was at home. But in the evening he wrote that he missed me and really wanted to see me. He persuaded me to come to him. I couldn't resist. At 12 in the morning I called a taxi and came to him. He met me. But we met my dad at the door ... We had a very serious conversation. Sasha went home, and I stayed to persuade my dad to let me stay overnight at Sasha's. I still don't know how dad let me go. I am 17, and Sasha is 21. When I went to his house, I understood from Sasha's eyes that he was very worried about me. He looked at me as if I was the most valuable thing he has. In general, when we went to bed ... At the most inopportune moment, I decided to tell him that apart from him I had no one at all. He was very surprised, but said nothing. I tried to bring him to a conversation, to find out what he felt for me, what would happen next, and why he disappeared ... But he was silent, saying that there were no thoughts about this. He only said that he did not like such conversations on this topic. Then he asked me: "Why do you need me like that?" He said that he was not for me, that he was not worthy of me ...
But our night did not end there ... He did not become my first man, in the literal sense of the word. I’m probably grateful to him for that. But I love him very much. That night he was very affectionate, gentle. I experienced great pleasure ... In the morning we woke up in an embrace ... When I left, he embraced me. I reached out and wanted to kiss him on the cheek, but he kissed me on the lips. The thought came to my mind that this was our last, goodbye kiss. And so it happened ... He no longer called or wrote. Didn't even answer my sms. And when they meet, he looks away. This is so unpleasant for me. After all, at night everything seemed to be fine, he was pleased. I don't know what to do now, how to be. I need to be offended by him, but I cannot. I find some excuses for him. I can't forget him ... I don't need anyone but him! I don't want anything how to get him back. I can't look at other guys - they are disgusting to me. Can you please tell me what to do. Lucky

Hello, Eugene and others. Your advice is very necessary. I love the guy very much, and I told him about it. At first we just talked (he lives in another city), then he had a girlfriend, and he disappeared for a whole year, I didn't think that he would return, but I waited for him and loved him. And just recently he wrote to me himself and asked for forgiveness. We are doing well now, but at first glance. He does not talk about his feelings, at most that he told me: "It's so good that I have you." That is, our relationship does not stop, but there is no further development. Tell me what to do, I love him, but I would like to know what he thinks of me. Lyme

Hi. I just want to share my situation, and in principle I don’t want to take any decisive action.
I would like to know your opinion or peers (I am 17 myself).
I am dating a young man, he is 21 years old.
We have a very serious relationship (we have been dating for 1.5 years), we are madly in love with each other, we are talking about further life together, a wedding, even children :-)).
In short, further life is all in openwork, it seems.
There is one thing.
The fact is that in the last 7 months we have quarreled quite often. Because of my nerves, but he is not an angel of God either.
It all starts with a trifle, and ends with a major scandal.
But we always go home, having made peace, with the words "this will not happen again" and hot kisses.
After a week, everything is repeated again.
I cannot live without him, he also cannot live without me - together we are just wonderful if this unfortunate but did not spoil life.
I'm afraid that the relationship will eventually come to naught, but I don't know how to settle the situation.
To change yourself? I tried, but I am a very difficult person by nature.
Is it really only with us, or is it in the order of things? If so, what to do ?!
Current should not be advised to break off relations, in no case am I going to. Yusya

Hello. I want to share with you and consult.
I have been dating a guy for 3 months .... He gave me flowers for the first days ... And all that, and then everything disappeared, I got bored with him, I began to see some flaws in him, i.e. he turned out to be a bore ...
And he has recently become passive ... For me, he pays little attention, and I don't like it ... In recent days, we rarely began to communicate, and I noticed that I even stopped missing him:
I'm 19 and he too, but we had an inferior relationship ... we never had sex, not even petting. And sometimes I had a desire, but he never even hinted ... Maybe he's shy in this matter, or maybe he's still a virgin;)
I didn't like it that we do n't have any sex or petting. And now I want to ask you, why do you think we had such a relationship with him, what is the problem? After all, I would not say that I was notorious and avoid sex, on the contrary, I had a desire, but he never did anything ....... Please answer why it happened? Waiting for an answer.
Anya77, 19 years old.

Hello!!! I am your constant reader, and I have already asked you my questions and now I urgently need your help !!!!
I just recently met a guy, a very nice young man, to be honest, I've dreamed about this for quite a long time.
But in our relationship there is one problem, he always sets conditions, that is, if he wants to find myself another.
I just can't live without it !!!!
How can I make him play according to my rules, or so that he constantly needs me, how to make sure that he cannot live without me and stop running from one girl to another? Help me please!!!!!! Best wishes Zarina, 16 years old

Hello! Help me with the problem. I met young people, I really liked him, we talked on the phone, walked several times and made love, but the fact is that he has a girlfriend who lives in another city, he often goes to her.
This girl is very successful and beautiful and he told me more than once that he loved her more than anyone else. But I don't know what to do, I really like it. Jenta

Hello!!! I just don't know what to do, everything in my life has somehow changed, but not the way I want it.
I have a loved one for whom I am ready for anything. But some time ago, one event happened that haunts me ... It all happened at the disco, Artem (my boyfriend) introduced me to his friend Roma. Roma was just the kind of guy I like. At the next disco, when I came alone, we exchanged phone numbers and it was from that evening that the so-called SMS love began. Artyom was away for two weeks, we only talked on the phone, since he was in another city. Roma fell head over heels in love with me, but I couldn't, as they say, love two at once.
As it was not hard for me, but I told Artyom everything and he had a fight with Roma. Continuous problems began, and psychological ones.
I was constantly depressed, although there was no reason for this. With Roma, we agreed to be only friends, but again some kind of connection arose between us. And yesterday at the next disco I was with Artem, but Roma was there too. Sometimes we exchanged glances, but he only came up once to say hello.
When I looked at Roma, I somehow felt sorry for him. Why he chose me, although I was interested in him, he answered evasively. Artem and Roma are both sweet, kind, caring and cute, even a little too much. But there is one thing, but I have been in love with Artyom for three years now and I just cannot live without him, and Roma just ... well, I don’t know ...
Lord help me please deal with myself otherwise I'll just go crazy! What is happening to me?

Hello. My name is Irina. I have very big problems in my personal life and I really need the help of a psychologist, since I myself can no longer cope with the situation. I have a loved one, with whom I parted for almost 2 months. We parted for nothing because of a clash of characters, but everything turned into a great tragedy. I love this man very much, although I know all his shortcomings and difficulties. But then, when we had a fight, I thought that I was right, and that I would not be the first to return it. We did not see each other for a week, during this time everyone spent time in their own way: he was walking with his friends in bars, so in the end he was beaten, he lost his mobile phone.
He called me and on the same day we made up. And all these days I came home, went crazy, cried so that by morning I was all swollen from crying. And at that time I met one person in ICQ. He himself is from Kiev. We talked a lot, he is not a bad person. He helped me a lot in many ways, became, as it were, my outlet. It was like writing a diary, only he also gives advice, consoles. And when I made up with my beloved, I just told him that I had this acquaintance. And that was all. He began to demand that I remove him, began to reproach me that I was having fun: And exactly a week later he left again and already forever.
And now I don't know what to do. I love him very much, I want to be with him. But again and again she returned to ICQ to that other person, looking for consolation and understanding there. And I found him. And now my beloved says that he agrees to be with me, but on condition that I remove that person from ICQ.
And my soul bleeds, I can't do this with a person who helped me a lot in difficult times, became a real friend not only to me, but also to my family (I have a child and he very often helped us with solving problems, then with abstracts, etc.). And now I can’t take a person and just kick them out. And my beloved has no other conditions. And he doesn't want to listen to my explanations and sees only his ambitions. Help me! Maybe you can tell me how best to act, what words to find, so that he understands me? Or step over yourself and feel like a pig all your life, but remove that person? Although I know that he also needs our communication and he has his own difficulties in life, and I also save him from them. Irina

Hello! I recently met a guy. That is, besides, not for long: I have a guy who is now far from me. He has a girlfriend. We did not hide anything from each other. On the first day we met - we talked on the phone until 3 am, and learned literally everything about each other. So when we finally met, it seemed to us that we had known each other for several years. Our first week passed very stormy. We went to a cafe, rode a boat all day, and then drove around the city in a taxi all night. They walked only holding the hand and kissed, no one was embarrassed. I have never had such a relationship with anyone. The smile just never left my face.
He went with me to the hospital and waited patiently in line. During the week I slept with him 4 times, but we did not have sex. We only started doing it when we had been together for a week. The morning after that night, he took me home and then it all ended at once: If earlier we called up 5-6 times a day, now no more than once. And the first day I call him, on the second - he. No more words on the phone like "miss", "kiss", "want to see you", etc. I offered him several times to go for a walk around the city, but he said that while he was at work, he would call me back when he was free. And in the end he called back on the trail. day: I didn't know what to think. I tried to talk to him, saying that if I acted like the last fool, if I thought that we might have something more, then finally an insight came over me, and there is no need to call me if there is no desire.
In the end, this conversation did not change anything in our relationship. We never met again, but he called me once a day without delay: (downright funny). Finally yesterday I could not stand it and started this conversation again. Only in a more offended tone and with a share of aggression. Then she deleted his number without getting any answer from him. He didn't call me today. I walk around the whole day as if not my own. If it comes to that, then in principle I am not myself all the last week. I do not understand why he does not want to meet with me, but at the same time he calls constantly, as if someone obliges him to do it. Indeed, in fact, there are a bunch of ways to meet, despite his work and constant employment. I do not make any plans for our relationship, and I understand that during the last conversation I acted somewhat like a hysterical woman. But I would like to clarify the reason for this sudden mood swings: I apologize if I poured out a bunch of unnecessary information in this message. I'm just not used to looking for help this way. And now I really hope for her: Thank you in advance. Elle

Hello, I am 16 years old. Maybe what I write will be stupid and illiterate, but it is true: Which, as I read, does not allow me to live for six months already. A girl cheated on me, but first I cheated on her. I know there is no serious relationship at this age. But I fell in love with her, my betrayal was for 4 months. relations, then for me everything still seemed like a "game", in general it turned out that I cheated on her: And then somehow we came home with my best friend and she came, it was 5 months somewhere, I jokingly offered sex in 3: and then it all started, only I didn’t join, but I saw them: Then she cried terribly, like this: I kind of forgave, but it’s poisoning me, I can’t tell anyone. I lost my best friend who has known for 10 years: and with her, I am still with her: I want to be with her, but how: ((I don’t torture her, I keep everything to myself, but you know how it happens: Sometimes only tears soothe, I can't tell my father or someone else. I have a friend, but if I tell him: he won't understand, because I'm older in communication. As if, like his older brother. And I don't know what to do: generally like to talk. And it got worse. Tutyl

Hello, I have a serious question for you. The situation is this: I fell in love with a girl who is 21 years old, but I was only 17th. It is interesting to know how you think, whether we can succeed or not. But I fucking like it with her. Artem, August 14

Hello! Please help me figure out my problem. I am 18 years old, I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 3 months. Our relationship is not quite ordinary, we met on the Internet and live in different cities, but close to each other. But this still did not bother us at the beginning, once a week on weekends he comes to see me and take a walk. We have a lot of things in common, and everything that I or he didn't like before, we quickly master and get used to it. Talking to him is just awesome !!! But this is where the problems begin ... First of all, it's sex. He fell in love with me very much and wanted this, at first I refused (he is my first), but then this incident happened: we drove after a party to my house ... and he offered it, and I just took it and agreed. Everything went on in the hotel, but nothing worked out to the end. I have been soaring for a long time what the problem is ... in me or in him. Then I thought that I didn’t like the fact that we couldn’t do it when we wanted to, but only planned ... at the hotel for money (room payment) The situation itself was very embarrassing to me and nothing worked ... the last time with we succeeded almost to the end, I did not get any pleasure ... while this is my first boyfriend who would be so spiritually close to me !! Moreover, lately, I just want to run away somewhere, not answer calls, ignore ... although everything seems to be fine between us !! He's not around for at least 3 days, and I already want to leave him ... but as soon as we see each other or talk on the phone - I smile, we talk for a long time and everything is cool. In short, I can't figure out myself, do I love him at all ... are these problems to blame for the distance between us, or the possible lack of my attraction to him? KpucTuHo4Ka.
Hello, I am 15 years old. The day before yesterday the boy Yegor proposed to me to meet. Everything was fine until yesterday. Last night, another boy, Vitalik, a friend of Yegor, offered me to meet. I refused Vitalik, saying that I have a boyfriend. After 5 minutes Egor VKontakte sent me an SMS-Vitalik likes you))) I answered- I have you, I don't need Vitalik. Egor asked - Did he ever offer you to meet? I answered yes, 5 minutes ago. He was upset because I did not immediately throw off his correspondence with Vitalik. He thinks that I want to meet with Vitalik, but this is not so, I only need Egor. Please help me return Egor. He says that he thought I was different, and tells me not to call him Bunny anymore.

Hello dear psychologists!

The following situation arose: I have been dating a girl for almost 2 years (a year and ten months, to be exact), somewhere there were difficulties, but in most cases we were perfect for each other, we solved problems peacefully, the relationship was not the same as it was before that - they were too bright, saturated, I felt real love for this person, and I felt reciprocity.

But then, at the beginning of spring, we saw her only once (we study in different institutions, we live in different parts of the city), and when I offered to meet, she said that we need to go there, do something, help with this. In general, the whole month was busy with something. I'm not a jealous person, and I didn't see any reason to be jealous either (a lot of time together), and one day (already in April) she says that she needs to meet, talk about our relationship. As I understand it, it will be about something bad. On the phone, she said that we need to take a break, that we got used to each other, that it would be better this way. But I love her too much, I need her, without her I have no good mood, without her I'm different. I explained all this to her already at the meeting, she swore fidelity and eternal love, but said that something in her had died out.

Can you please tell me, can I do something about this? Can the passion be rekindled in her? What can be added to the relationship because she says she wants something new. Is this a collapse of the relationship or is there anything else you can do, can you return everything as before?

Thank you in advance!!! Boris

This page is from the section "The Psychology of Love".

Эрих Фромм

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми