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Romeo and Juliet

Try to answer without thinking: what is the play "Romeo and Juliet" about? The automatic answer, of course, is "About love." And this is the only possible wrong answer. As a work of genius, "Romeo and Juliet" is about everything; and only love is absent in this phenomenon of art ...
G.А. Babin is a psychotherapist, N. Anikina.

It is difficult to find a black cat in a dark room, especially when she is not there.

This article is part of the "school block":

Dramaturgy of love. E. Pushkarev

"First love" is an important step in puberty. E. Pushkarev

Psychiatric confusion with love in school literature. E. Pushkarev

The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev

Natasha Rostova and Pierre Bezukhov. Examples of true love. E. Pushkarev

The grammar of love. Ivan Bunin

The concept of love in the stories of I.A. Bunin. O. Eremina

Love and the "Garnet Bracelet". L.G. Boring

Since my youth, I have been interested in a variety of statements by outstanding people, including about love. But I began to notice that the statement about love of one outstanding figure completely contradicts another, which is not in such quantities in statements on other topics.
---… we are on earth in order to love, not be loved.
V. Frankl

“To live is to be loved. He lived, or she lived - it means only one thing: he or she was loved a lot".


* * * * *

--- To love deeply means to forget about yourself.

J.-J. Russo

The true essence of love is ... to find yourself and to have yourself.

G. Hegel

* * * * *

--- Love is a disease, like an obsession, similar to melancholy.


Love is the most intimate point of connection between nature and reason, this is the only link where nature invades the mind, it, therefore, is the most excellent among all natural.

G. Fichte

Not only does one sage contradict another, there are many sayings when the beginning of a sage's statement about love contradicts the ending.

One love is the fun of a cold life,
One love - torment of hearts:
She gives only a gratifying moment,
And the end is not visible to sorrows.

A. Pushkin

Angels call it heavenly joy, devils call it hellish torment, and people call it love.

G. Heine

Love is a punishment, or maybe a reward,
Or maybe both.

R. I. Rozhdestvensky
There are statements of outstanding people, when in different life periods the assessment of love changes, it is especially interesting to observe this from L.N. Tolstoy:

"Love is the true, highest good, which resolves all the contradictions of life and not only destroys the fear of death, but also attracts a person to the sacrifice of his existence for others."

“Love is life itself; but not an unreasonable, suffering and perishing life, but a blissful and endless life".

“After all, what is, most importantly, disgusting,” wrote Tolstoy at the end of his life. - In theory, it is assumed that love is something ideal, sublime, but in practice love is something vile, swine, about which it is shameful to speak and remember ... And people pretend that the vile and shameful is beautiful and sublime ... Spiritual affinity! Unity of ideals! But in that case, there is no need to sleep together".

When a huge number of contradictory statements of sages accumulated

"Expressions about the love of prominent and famous people." Whom to believe?

came the realization that they confuse more than clarify something.

Theoretical interpretations of love are often paradoxical, contradictory, mutually incompatible (love is reasonable - love is insane; love elevates - love humiliates; love bestows pleasure - love brings torment; love enriches - love devastates). It is generally accepted that in these contrasting assessments, each thesis can be proven equally convincingly.
From the most famous book of the times of the Brezhnev stagnation "Love" K. Vasilev.

Every day they talk about love a thousand truthful truths, the most sincere, but which contradict one another; and every evening a thousand false ones were added to the morning truths, which cannot be refuted.
Germain de Stael

It turns out that America is the only country in the world where love is a national issue. It seems that a huge number of Americans of both sexes are in a state of confusion about love.
Raoul de Roussy de Seims

Freud helped to figure out how to perceive this huge confusion of outstanding people with love. He explained why this happens in the very first paragraph of his work "On the Special Type of 'Object Choice' in Men":
"Until now, we imagined only poets to depict" conditions of love "under which people make their" choice of an object "and reconcile their dreams with reality. Indeed, poets differ from other people in some peculiarities that allow them to solve such a problem Possessing a particularly fine organization, greater susceptibility to the innermost aspirations and desires of other people, they at the same time display enough courage to reveal their own unconscious to everyone. intellectual and aesthetic pleasures and affect the feeling, which is why the poet cannot help but change reality, but must isolate its individual parts, breaking interfering connections, softening the whole and complementing what is missing. These are the advantages of the so-called “poetic freedom.” A poet can show very little interest to the origin and development of such souls states, describing them already in their finished form. Therefore, it is necessary that science, with coarser touches and not at all for pleasure, should deal with the same questions, the poetic treatment of which people have enjoyed from time immemorial. These remarks should justify the rigorous scientific treatment and questions of the person's love life. It is precisely science that requires the most complete rejection of the "principles of pleasure", as far as possible for our mental activity".

Among writers, poets and philosophers, there was an unspoken competition in who would say the vertebrae, more figuratively, more concise, more dramatic, and then more tragic, who would dance whom in their fantasies, and this was going on for nine centuries.

Therefore, if you want to understand what love is, reading the works of poets, writers and even philosophers is useless.

In its meaningful form, love is a symbol that cannot be defined, and whatever interpretation the dictionary suggests, we will always have a metaphorical description. Doctor of Philology V.V. Kolesov

All these mountains of books are only for aesthetic, emotional and intellectual pleasure, and they are harmful for knowledge, understanding, and even more so for use.

Z. Freud indicated the direction for solving, and E. Fromm suggested the key:
"Love mainly does not characterize the relationship with a specific person; it is a position, orientation of character, which determines the relationship of a person to the world as a whole, and not to just one" object of "love." Those. if "character orientation" has complexes and disharmonies, then the love of this person will be disharmonious, and this will not be a problem of the phenomenon of love, but a problem of the character of a particular person. If you resolve all personal problems, eliminate complexes, then by itself the love feeling of such a person will normalize.
If we begin the analysis of one of the "great loves" with the analysis of "position, orientation of character", then this feeling will turn out to be not only not great, but not love at all. Let's consider "there is no sadder story in the world than the story of Romeo and Juliet."

Unfortunately, the love that is sung in literary sources and is a role model is precisely love addiction. The stories of Romeo and Juliet, Petrarch and Laura, Jose and Carmen, Anna Karenina and Vronsky and other excellent descriptions of such relationships show people exactly what true love should be. Full of suffering and anxiety, obstacles and humiliation, most likely without prospects and flowing like sand. The vast majority of love songs are about addictive relationships. The series, in which the heroes overcome almost impossible obstacles, suffer from bullying and betrayal, and in the end get what they want, praise the love addiction. People from childhood are brought up on such examples, forming a stereotype that true love can and should be unhappy and full of suffering.
K.psychol. A.L. Fedosov, Institute of Psychology. G.S. Kostyuk APN Ukraine

The theme of "Romeo and Juliet" is such a vivid work created by Shakespeare's genius, has grown, adapted to modern conditions and captured all cultural genres. Romeo and Juliet, having descended from the pages of a Shakespearean play on the stage in the 16th century, in the following centuries stepped even further, becoming one of the most popular heroes of world cinema. You can count more than fifty films and: both the actual film adaptations of the tragedy, and versions that play up its storyline in their plots. In addition, many dramatic, comic, parody and even erotic films were shot, as well as an opera, an operetta ballet using names and motives from Shakespeare's works.

From my point of view, all Romeos are deeply neurotic.
Corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, Doctor of Medical Sciences, psychotherapist M. Litvak

The genius wrote "Romeo and Juliet", the genius Franco Zeffirelli made a film, he received an Oscar, the genius Nino Rotto wrote wonderful music, charming actors. In one of the latest versions of the feature film, young lovers are played by Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. It is simply impossible for especially young souls not to become infected with a tragic attitude towards love in such a beautiful wrapper. And today there are Fan Clubs "Romeo and Juliet", it is also on the Internet.
The concept of love in cultural life in those days and in ours is a significantly different phenomenon. In Shakespeare's time, love was on the margins of public life. If we use a figurative comparison, that love can be compared with an underdeveloped, skinny teenage girl, disheveled, barefoot Cinderella, embarrassed to leave from behind the stove, then in our time love can be represented in the form of a singing in a low, hoarse voice about a hot bed, which does not have time for a day cool down Masha Rasputin.

Shakespeare had a pronounced desire to raise the phenomenon of love as high as possible, to indicate the injustice that existed in relation to love in those days. At the same time, he chose the most extreme and cruel ways and plots to achieve his goal, he did not spare his heroes and, in the prime of his youth, laid them in their graves. It is like a commander who does not spare his best soldiers for victory. And at that time, such ruthless and impartial methods were probably justified. In modern terms, Shakespeare promoted love. The clinical form of the development of a love story chosen by him does not give rest to modern cultural figures to this day.

Film director, People's Artist of Russia Pavel Lungin: "I would like to give modern youth such Romeo and Juliet, so that they take their breath away, and corn fell out of their mouths." He is not interested in helping young people, to find happiness in family life, his goal is to “take his breath away” from the consumer of his product, and then at least the grass does not grow.

And in our time, the next wave of the sexual revolution, when a love brand is promoted to hypertrophied values

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

and Shakespeare's tragedies have become a daily reality for both children and adults, the time has come to disavow the pathological plots of geniuses not only from the standpoint of humanism, but also from the standpoint of psychiatry: the Moor has done his job - it's time for the Moor to retire.

American anthropologist Margaret Mead, in a study on Samoan natives, describes how she told them the story of Romeo and Juliet. They found her very comical and died laughing at such an absurd behavior of a young man and a girl.

Romeo and Juliet are literary heroes, but if we take an open-minded look at any "great love" of real people, they will turn out to be not so romantic and even strange.
Petrarch's "one-sided love" for Laura is widely known; he dedicated more than 300 sonnets to her, which became her only fruit. Other information about Petrarch is less known.
Francesco Petrarca considered himself amorous since his youth. He often cohabited with commoners, he had several illegally born children, and had affairs with noble ladies. Some of his contemporaries even considered him a Don Juan.

True, great love in the understanding of N.G. He described Chernyshevsky in the novel "What is to be done?" (1863), in his version of the love triangle of Vera Pavlovna, Lopukhov and Kirsanov. Vera Pavlovna dreamed that she did not love her husband any more, and she told him with dismay about her dream. Lopukhov helped her see that she loved Kirsanov, faked suicide to untie her hands, and after a while Vera Pavlovna became Kirsanov's wife. N.G. Chernyshevsky writes that even an unborn feeling should have freedom, a feeling that is, as it were, still in the kidney.

The novel carried completely new views on love, family, woman, and he caused a terrible commotion. Censorship wrote: "The novel preaches pure debauchery." "Such a perversion of the idea of marriage destroys the idea of the family, the foundations of statehood." One of the book's critics, in the article "What Did They Do in the Novel" What Is to Be Done? "

Nowadays, one can not just assert that the feeling that Lopukhov felt for his wife is not only not love, but one of the forms of the pathology of love, as E. Fromm explained.

Very often - and not only in everyday usage - sadomasochism is confused with love. Especially often masochistic phenomena are taken for manifestations of love. Complete self-denial for the sake of another person, refusal in his favor from his own rights and needs - all this is presented as an example of "great love"; it is believed that there is no better proof for love than sacrifice and willingness to give up oneself for the sake of a loved one. In fact, "love" in these cases is a masochistic attachment and is rooted in the need for symbiosis.
E. Fromm

Love in modern culture and upbringing is replaced by examples of exotic properties and thus acquires an alienated, transformed form imposed on the consumer. Eroticism, as a simulation of love in such forms as the courtship ceremony, the seduction of mystery, the curiosity of the riddle, supplants love.
D.philos.n O.I. Nikolina "The Phenomenon of Love in Human Being"

And the fact that the censorship of that time was right is confirmed by the statistics of divorces and the upheavals that occur with the institution of the family.

Alexander Blok, when he went to woo Lyuba Mendeleeva, carried a pistol in his pocket, and at home he left a suicide note on the table, as he planned to shoot himself in case of refusal. His proposal was accepted, the poet's life was saved.
On their wedding night, he passionately explains to Lyubochka: "I don't want hugs: because hugs (sudden consent) are a stinking monster. I want beyond words and beyond hugs:", there were poems, dreams of unearthly love , it was the same on the following nights.
The block dedicated 687 love hymns to the Beautiful Lady! And she did not need poetry at all, but life, which a girl usually expects: general worries, children, quiet evenings and conversations about this and that:
"... I tried to arrange my life as needed, as conveniently ... I thought only about how to get rid of this love that I no longer needed:" - I wrote in my memories of that time aged Lyubov Dmitrievna. It's good to be the poet's beloved, but to be his wife !:
Lyuba wanted to have children, but this was not part of Alexander's plans, and she was forced to have a lover, became pregnant from him. The born child did not live long.
And Alexander soon became disillusioned with Lyuba, and a long line of mistresses began, but he never found his ideal of the Beautiful Lady. Love mania is such an infection that does not bring joy to the one who experiences it, or to the one who is its object.
Science has done a good job and answered most of the questions about love, but ordinary consciousness is at the level of mysticism and spells. Worse, our writers, playwrights, and cultural figures continue to "bend the line" of Shakespeare:
"Love is omnipotent: there is no grief on earth - above her punishment, nor happiness - above the pleasure of serving her."
"Tell me where, when was true love happy?"
In those days, the love pendulum was in one extreme position, now it has gone to the opposite, even more extreme position and does not even think to stop.
The correspondent asks Galina Shcherbakova to the author of women's novels:
"What is love to you?
- Love is necessarily suffering, sadness, an explosion of feelings, spiritual flight, jealousy, forgiveness:
- Would you like to fall in love still?
- No. That calm, pleasant, warm definite feeling that I am now experiencing, I like more, and I do not want to exchange it for a love storm".
It's like a chef prepares spicy, fatty dishes in a restaurant, but he doesn't eat these dishes himself, he protects his figure and health. And the figure and health of those who will eat this dish are no longer a cook's problem.
Writer Leonid Zhukhovitsky: "Love is a gift of God and it must be perceived as such. It's like a thundering god throws lightning bolts."
After all, there were times when people thought of thunderstorms as the actions of the God of Thunder, and now any schoolchild knows that thunderstorm lightning is an electrical discharge. The time will come when every student will know that love is a grateful, positive, homely feeling, accessible to every person, in which there is no place for suffering, mysticism, and even more so for tragedies.

Anthropologist Dr. Audrey Richards, who lived with the Bemba tribe in Northern Rhodesia, told them an English tale about a prince who climbed a glass mountain, crossed the ocean and killed a dragon to win the girl's love. The Bemba people were clearly puzzled. Then the old chief expressed the general opinion: "Why didn't he take another girl?"

A life incident in Albania. The story is about how different people tell the same plot in different ways. Option one, narrated by a famous filmmaker.
A 17-year-old girl dies due to unclear circumstances. There is a tragedy in the family, preparations are underway for the funeral. Classmates come to say goodbye to the girl. One of the guys, who during his lifetime had love feelings for a girl, having seen her in a coffin, has great love. Love is so strong that the guy simply cannot leave the coffin. Pity, tenderness, pain of loss, he cannot hold back his tears. He wants to press her hand to his lips and these last hours not to part with her. He stays at night with his beloved. At night, when no one is around, he no longer needs to restrain his passion, he kisses her cold lips, cheeks, presses against her breathless chest. His bitter tears fall on her beautiful face. And a miracle happens, great passion, all-conquering love revive the girl. They spent the rest of the night in each other's arms. When the girl's parents saw them, there was a commotion, bewilderment, tears of joy. But it couldn't do without evil people, they slandered the guy and put him in jail. I really want to make a film on this plot, as soon as I have the opportunity, I will.
And here is the same story told by a correspondent specializing in court chronicles. The girl had a latent mental disorder of not clear etiology, which, after the confluence of a number of life circumstances, manifested itself in the form of a deep, lethargic sleep. Upset parents, when faced with such a phenomenon for the first time, perceived it as a sudden death. It was with this assumption that they went to the ambulance. An insufficiently qualified paramedic arrived and, impressed by the tears of relatives, confirmed their worst assumptions - sudden death from heart failure. Having persuaded the paramedic not to take the girl to the morgue, the relatives began to prepare for the funeral.
Among the classmates who came to say goodbye to the girl, there was a necrophile guy (a person who has a keen sexual feeling for troupes). Guided by this very feeling, the guy assured his parents that he had a romantic relationship with their daughter and persuaded them to stay on duty near the coffin for the night. The guy already had an experience of lecherous actions with corpses, and when at night there was no one in the room with the coffin, he tried to repeat it.
His sexual attempt turned out to be an impulse to start the girl's release from the lethargic state, she began to moan. Concerned by incomprehensible sounds, the parents, entering the room with the coffin, were puzzled, their daughter was not only not in the coffin, but also groaned. After confusion, the girl was taken to the hospital, and a few weeks later, she went back to school. The guy was condemned as a necrophile. But the parents, having discussed this situation with their daughter, decided that if it had not been for his pathological addiction, the girl would have been buried alive, so it turns out he saved her life. And they began to petition for the guy to reduce the term, and it is better to release him altogether.
Deceiving the delight of the artist. So, one and the same story, as presented by different people, takes on a different color from romantically - enthusiastic to psychiatrically - criminal.

"... just think how many future beautiful married couples did not take place, how many people remained unhappy for their entire lives just because they read books, novels about" unearthly love".
I.V. Bestuzhev - Lada

Talented and geniuses are attracted by pathology. Well, here's how, a common man in the street should sort out this confusion? And what is it like for young people who are just entering life? Although everything is clear with the young. If a high school student is asked the stupid question "Do you know what love is?"
My love is a painful block.
When we are together - I can hardly breathe,
When I am apart from him, I am dead.
"If you truly LOVE a person, you cannot imagine your life without him, completely dissolve in your beloved, entrust your life to him. But what about LOVE? After all, a real feeling is given only once, the rest is a surrogate? throw it out of the heart of a loved one? Isn't that a crime against your life? " Nota
Love is when you count the moments until you meet, when separation drives you crazy: Liza
These are not even answers to the question, this is an ideological position, for which they are ready to fight, and, if necessary, lay down their lives.
How different this is from the wisdom of women who have reached their peak of maturity:
Bella Akhmadulina:
- Of all loves, there is no feeling stronger than friendship ... I idolize friendship.
Actress Tatyana Okunevskaya is a wise beautiful woman who went through fire, water, copper pipes, Stalin's torture chambers, her love was sought by the powerful I.B. Tito, L.P. Beria:
- I put friendship above love.
Singer Ekaterina Shavrina had more than one big and small love. And she was married more than once, from the first marriage a son, from the second daughter - twins. From the perspective of the years she has lived, she says: "I have creativity in the first place. Love is somewhere out there, further. Without creativity, without songs, I cannot, singing is as important for me as breathing."
The singer Irina Allegrova speaks very similarly: "I am married behind the stage. And my men are just my personal life." She was married four times, a daughter by her first husband.
But, as the former central television announcer Tatyana Sudeets, an honored artist of Russia, continues this topic, she was laid off a few years ago, which became a tragedy for her, and she began to wear black clothes for this reason. She says, "I became the widow of my voiceover profession."
Still, the time has come to clean up the dramatic rubble to get to the field of healthy, full-fledged, life-affirming love.

"Romeo and Juliet" is the most harmful piece ...
Doctor of Philosophy. V.V. Zhirinovsky

In his works Erich Fromm introduced concepts and explained what "unproductive, or irrational love, love-worship, false love, sentimental love, neurotic love, an immature form of love, or a symbiotic union, but with that he just said “A”. And the philosophers V.V. Zhirinovsky had to say "B" , V.M. Rosin, to doctors - psychotherapists M.E. Litvaku, G.A. Babin and others that all “great loves” are literary: Werther, Anna Karenina , < A href = "http://www.lyubi.ru/psy25.php" target = _blank> telegraph operator Zheltkov and real: Abelard - Eloise, Dante - Beatrice, Petrarch - Laura, V. Mayakovsky and others refer precisely to these disorders - addictions, and psychiatry has assigned them a special place in the international classifier of diseases (ICD 10).

And really, where is now, in the last third of the twentieth century, such love as before? Where is the love of Leandre, who swam across the Hellespont every day to see Gero? Where is the feat-love of Petrarch, the tragic love of Werther, the great self-denial of the Chevalier des Grieux, the love-suffering of Anna Karenina, the blazing love of Mayakovsky?
Yu.B. Rurikov, "Three drives". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

More details:

Criteria for distinguishing between love and addiction. S. Peel, A. Brodsky

Love and sexual addictions. A. Egorov

Detection tests:
love addiction according to Egorov;
of Sexual Addiction by P. Carnes.

The psycho-psychotherapeutic avant-garde, with the powerful support of socionics, has advanced far in the area of adequate perception of the phenomenon of love; now it is desirable that the main psychological and psychotherapeutic forces be pulled up to the positions reclaimed from pathology. And after consolidation, we will all work together on the rehabilitation of true love and the psychological recovery of society. The famous said: "A thief should be in prison," - by analogy, "And low-quality love - mania, ludus, all addictions should be in a psychiatric clinic, but not on the stage or on the screen."
The time will come when mental pathology and clinical plots will be prohibited from painting, not only to geniuses, but also to ordinary poets, as well as advertising of beer, alcohol, drugs.

... the future will open for love such a brilliant and so diverse field that the love stories of the civilization will be viewed with a sense of contemptuous regret.

I would like to end this chapter with quotations from the philosopher and publicist Mikhail Osipovich Menshikov, written at the end of the 19th century, but today they sound even more relevant than more than a century ago. Unfortunately, today's journalism has not yet reached the cultural level of the century before last.
More details:
Literature has played a huge role in the love cult. M.O. Menshikov. ;
Superstitions and the truth of love. M.O. Menshikov ;

“The truth of sexual love could have been clarified without great efforts, if it were not for the immobile, centuries-old cult of this love, inherited from the ancient chivalry, dominated in our world outlook , if not for the darkness in which love is obscured by incompetent and immoral writers, poets, guardians bad traditions - all those who affirm the world outlook in humanity at this time".

"Our present civilization is predominantly voluptuous, and quite sincerely many highly gifted people, like Maupassant, see no higher goal in life, no better happiness, except for sexual love, although they already feel its illusion."
"Sexual love has also developed into a special culture with all the benefits and disadvantages of any cult: with the terrible accumulation of the power of this need and its moral mortification."
“But literature has played an especially huge role in the love cult. Sexual love for centuries has been almost the only content of fiction. Novelists of all times and peoples, starting from ancient times, describe love in the infinitely varied conditions of time, place, environment, age, mind, beauty, health, social status of lovers; piles of novels appear with the regularity of the vegetable kingdom; countless printed sheets are being replaced by others, withering with the speed of autumn leaves".
“It is in this environment of sexual love that lies the deception that graceful literature introduces into the general consciousness. Thousands of bad poets "glorify" sexual love in an extremely exaggerated way - as a divine feeling, as unearthly bliss, as a bright transformation of life, placing it above reason, above conscience and any sacred things of the soul".
"Carnal love, like all lust, is largely an object of custom, fashion, even sport."
“There is an internal, psychological connection between sexual passion, struggle and drunkenness. All these states represent a loss of mental balance, an eclipse of the mind and the joy of a beast that has thrown off the bridle. In short, drunkards achieve this animal freedom, and it is remarkable that their drunkenness most often takes on a violent and voluptuous character".
“Only this or that attitude to every phenomenon depends on us, and it seems to me that we have a false and unworthy attitude towards sexual love. Sexual love exists like all other passions, but like them, it must be debunked; from this idol must be removed precious ornaments and magnificent colors, so that everyone can see that this is not a god, but a simple tree".
“Sexual lust, by its very nature, gives the sharpest of pleasures; being brought up for millennia, as the main joy of life, it grows, it seems to me, into a special psychosis, which was not known to ancient mankind and will probably disappear in the future".
“It is in this environment of sexual love that lies the deception that elegant literature introduces into the general consciousness. Thousands of bad poets "glorify" sexual love in an extremely exaggerated way - as a divine feeling, as unearthly bliss, as a radiant transformation of life, placing it above reason, above conscience and any sacred things of the soul. Sexual charm is described as one unspeakable sweetness, one unspeakable delight. Minor poets exert all their mediocrity to portray love in its most captivating forms; secret voluptuous, they paint seductive, incredible pictures with which they manage to irritate both their imagination and those readers who are not free from sexual lust, but who are completely free from it. Only people with great taste or great conscience turn their backs on this subtle pornography; the mass of readers rush to her with greed. Acting for centuries on the unstable brains of average people, a love story corrupts the sexual feeling more than any other influence".

Stephanie Koontz, professor of history and family studies at Evergreen College in Olympia, Washington, wrote Marriage Story: How Love Overcame Marriage. Dear Stephanie Kunz, marriage won not love, but the toxic ecology of culture, which does not allow love itself to develop.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

You can learn about the variety of the indicated problem from the letters that came to the Club

Hello. I have something to share, especially with the young. I mean, love is a miracle. This is a great gift to man. But the point is not to be wrong. I lived in marriage for 2 years, and then suddenly I met my love. I gave myself up to this feeling completely and completely, I could not live without this person, I saw the same feelings in him, my eyes shone with joy. I left my husband, I thought everything, finally all obstacles were overcome, just me and him, and our love. It took 5 months, my beloved's feelings subsided, he began to cheat on me, it was very painful, insulting, scary. In general, a month later I left, I could not look at all this. A year has passed, and only now, after reading your site, it dawned on me that it was not love, but a wild passion (pheromones did their best :-)). Now I am more careful with men, or rather not with them, but with my feelings towards them. I try to assess what kind of emotions, whether it is really deep feelings or so adrenaline, sympathy, affection or something else. Learn from other people's mistakes. All summer cottages !!!

Hello. I read a lot with you, and also with others. And yet I disagree with you. For me, the most accurate phrase about love is the replica of the heroine Nicole Kidman from "Moulin Rouge". When she collects things to run with her beloved, and the producer stops her, like where are you, you have achieved so much here. And she replies to him: "You always said that I am worth as much as they will pay for me. And he LOVES, you understand, LOVES !!!".
From your point of view, she is an idiot who does not know what she is doing. Because YOU don't understand her motive. As well as her producer :))) But he is very clear to HER. She throws EVERYTHING (well, from your point of view, everything :)) to protect something important, very important and necessary. Such a value before which the rest is bullshit.
My opinion about love is based on the analysis of my personal feelings and observation of people. My parents, for example, are people of your type who are pleasant to each other, comfortable, helpful. They do pleasant, necessary things to each other, understand, respect and generally behave extremely reasonably and decently. They call their relationship love and value them very much. They do not want more than they have. Like you, being in love with your heart is considered evil :)
Mom in her youth fell in love with the bastard who used her. Dad never fell in love at all, but for some reason he is also sure that this will only lead to bad things. They agreed because they "fit" each other.
On the other hand, there are examples of other relationships. There are several couples, including the elderly, who also live well, but at the same time ..... I don't know how to describe it in words, but these people look at each other SO ... touch SO ... And around them SUCH an atmosphere of happiness is in the air ... And when they say the word "love" it sounds different. Filled. Meaningful. Life is long, people have gone through all sorts of things. Well-being, unfavorable periods ... But they were always TOGETHER. And this TOGETHER is different from my parents.
You don't have to be so smart to notice that these people have SOMETHING. You can give it a name and not give it, understand what it is, or not understand it. But you can always judge whether this is good or bad. Whether the people who have IT are happy or not. And how do people who do not have IT feel. You are using gravity, although no one knows what it is or what its nature is. And at the same time you feel normal.
You deny a phenomenon that is evidently observed - passionate love. Just because you don't understand what it is. In this case, speculation and ranting only limit. You don't think you can understand absolutely EVERYTHING about this world?
Well, of course, I made a conclusion that just suggested itself. Why do I need this insipid garbage if there is SUPER nearby? If there are people who have it super, then why am I worse? And why should I strive for something else, if I saw that happiness is there? Since childhood, I have been a super-duper star, capable of even horror. My parents treated me the same way they treated each other - evaluatively. And I was cool, so they approved of me. And you know, that approval made me sick. I felt that the attitude should be different. And I saw that children who have a different attitude, not evaluative, are much happier than me.
And my parents and I are cold. Despite the fact that they seem to be happy with me. I want myself to be happy, so I want a DIFFERENT attitude.
Some, like you, are satisfied with this coldness. Letters from people who share your point of view are immediately visible. Even before they began to express their opinion on the issue. Reasonable such reasoning, but in vivid feelings - full of brakes. Underdeveloped. The range is uuuu narrow. They are kind of joyless .... Sometimes with humor, but there is no joy. Moreover, the phenomenon itself does not surprise me. Everyone feels bad without passionate love. Another thing surprises me - why do they NOT SEE that others are BETTER?
That lovers and loved ones are much happier than mutually comfortable ones? Why do they constantly give examples of love failures? Failure to love, to love a shit is bad. And miscalculation by the head is better than a love failure, but also bad. And bright love is GOOD.

Hello Evgeny.
I wanted to write you about love after your previous letter in the mailing list devoted to this topic.
To be clear, I will say right away that I have been talking about romance and love without aspiration for a long time, since I am 51 years old and I have long entered the time of pragmatic maturity. By profession I am a physicist, mathematician, systems analyst. I inform about my profession so that it is clear that I have a specific mentality: analysis and systematization of everything and in everything. Now, in essence. What you are writing about, Eugene, is not love at all, but the process of selecting a life partner and building relationships between family members: husband and wife. And in such a formulation of the question you are doing absolutely right.
If you are closer to a business approach (behavior model) to building a family: with a business plan, including the calculation of costs and profits (not necessarily material), then it is no worse than an intuitive approach (like: this, I feel, is mine, and this is not mine).
I don't think your approach is typically masculine. Many girls (including those who aspirate about love) say that they are not able to love a husband who cannot provide a decent life for their common children (this is also a kind of business plan for building a family). Love, however, has nothing to do with all this.
Love is not just, as you correctly noted, a disease, it is a very serious and very specific disease. I will try to "specify" it (from my own experience and observations of other people).
This disease is completely non-infectious (therefore, it is not just emotions that, as we know, are very easily transmitted to others), the patient is doomed to get sick with it without any understanding from others.
This disease is not transmitted genetically, that is, it cannot be said that someone from birth is able to love, and someone is not.
This disease does not have relapses, but it does not lead to the formation of immunity: each case of the disease is random and unique.
This is a rare disease. Each person is much more likely to never get sick than to get sick at least once.
This disease is incurable by nothing (what they say "loved - fell out of love" is not true, in fact: I thought I loved, it turned out that I did not love) and does not go away with time and cannot be forced out of consciousness by anything. Symptoms:
A person sick with love ceases to live in accordance with built plans and personal desires and preferences - love twists him in the most incredible way, breaks and distorts the fate of the patient and his relatives.
Each time the patient chooses between a reasonable decision, an act that seriously affects his life, and a decision that helps to be close to the object of his love, he always chooses only the second !!! (and let everything collapse!).
A feeling of unreasonable happiness, in no way connected with the events taking place in life (even when everything around is crumbling). To this should be added the presence of a constant, unmotivated fear that happiness will suddenly disappear. (Does this description sound like complete madness?)
In a relationship with an object of love, concepts such as self-esteem, personality, self-interest, responsibility to other people and similar personal characteristics completely lose their meaning, which are completely replaced by "love" and "be loved." Don't get me wrong: I do not mean at all that someone in a love union tramples on the personal characteristics of another, no - they just do not make sense, no one remembers them (in relation to the outside world, they persist and may even become more significant than before, as well as reasonable behavior in the professional sphere, etc.).
Dependence quickly arises in everything on the object of love (in particular, on its presence, on its mood)
Well, everyone knows: overestimation of the merits of the object of love and blindness in relation to its shortcomings.
The ending of love is always tragic: one of the two lovers (there is no love without reciprocity, or rather, it probably happens, but this is another disease that I know nothing about) dies first, then the second one spends the rest of his life feeling absolutely inferior in everything and with the feeling that this segment of life is being lived senselessly (although you know with your mind that this is not so - it does not help). Or tragically and prematurely both die, leaving their beloved children orphans.
Another negative point is that love painfully spreads to children in common with the object of love, which interferes with their correct upbringing. At the same time, children still remain in the background and are deprived of attention, in the first - the object of love.
There is no point in talking about the motives of love - the disease has no motives. There are no ways to adjust yourself to this disease and get sick, and there are no effective preventive measures against this disease.
Everything I have written is very serious. So much so that I often thought about how to save my children from love. I would like them to live life according to their personal plans and aspirations, to build families on the basis of mutual understanding, mutual support and mutual respect in the family.
But ... when in the company of friends and acquaintances recall the best moments of their life: interesting trips, the completion of complex and creative work, I recall life in a communal apartment with my beloved and small children. All other memories (although there is also something to remember) seem pale and insignificant against the background of that life.
And I want to forget my whole happy life, because these memories make me unhappy, because love does not give rise to such feelings as satisfaction or pride in oneself for the happiness experienced, it only consumes emotions insatiably. Only when in a dream I find myself in the past do I wake up with a feeling of absolute happiness, which dissolves within 15 minutes. More feeling of happiness, does not visit me under any circumstances. Hence the sad conclusion: love and happiness are not the same thing.
Why such details? And here's what. You, Eugene, write that there will be love if you can find a suitable partner in everything. Here you are mistaken: there will be no love (do you need it ?!). And there will be friendship. After all, it has been noticed that people unite in love and friendship according to very similar qualities (both there and there, regardless of their reasonable aspirations - you yourself understand what kind of "friendship" is with a "useful" person). Friendship alone does not give rise to symptoms of illness. It even goes away when people change. You will have the strongest and most reliable family when your wife is the most important. your closest friend. Simply, when you conclude an agreement on a trial marriage with another girl, do not deceive her: do not say that this is a test of love, but say that you are looking for a life partner who meets your notions of family happiness. Trust me: no smart girl will be offended; on the contrary, she will appreciate your responsible attitude towards the family. According to my observations, a lot of discord in families happens precisely because someone instilled in everyone the obligation of love. Husbands and wives begin to blame each other for their absence
manifestations of crazy love, although they themselves do not suffer from love. This is human selfishness + prejudices about the need for love + stupidity.
The most important thing for a happy life is not to deceive yourself either in desires or in assessing their realization. It is useless to plan or desire love. Call a spade a spade and be happy.
If I had one more life, I would prefer to live it so that there is at least one bright love in it.
Best regards, Galina Sergeevna.

Greetings to all. The situation is trivial - they met for 6 years, there was a lot. He had other women, I managed to get married and divorced. 4 years ago he told me: "I do not like it, I appreciate it as a person, everything is fine. But I was ripe to say I do not like it." The relationship did not stop, all the wonderful best friends, amazing sex, all 6 years, full understanding of each other, he has news - I am the first to know, with me - he is the first. We appreciated and took care of each other. Almost perfect. 2 years ago he fell in love, he told me everything, like they broke up, that girl deceived him (she had a man), got sick, I helped her, everything is great again, the last year is generally excellent, joint rest, common interests. We haven’t quarreled even once in 6 years. We did not talk about love, there is no need. And about the future too - we lived in the present.
3 months ago - a bolt from the blue: "I fell in love. She is from another city: Met by chance." It hurts and insults very much, I see that he is very good. worries that I feel bad, worries about me and supports me, walks with me and listens. At the same time he loves her, and it seems that everything is mutual with them. What to do? Complete depression. That’s where it’s for sure - they don’t look for good from good. He goes to her for the weekend, everything is great with them, in a month she will move to our city. I understand with my head that I must let go. He wants us to remain friends, is interested in me, we communicate on ICQ, and it's hard not to communicate at all - we work together. And with colleagues we often go to beer, where he always happens. I already went to a fortune-teller. So I want to get rid of this obsession. I constantly think - how are they doing there. I signed up for dances, I work a lot, I try not to stay at home, nothing! Three months of zero progress. She is not at all like me - an emotional child, for a cat. it is necessary to look after and calm down constantly. What to do? I really want to get rid of addiction.
Give advice. Rita

Hello! My daughter is 26 years old, virgin, outwardly attractive, sociable, has friends. But he doesn't WANT to build relationships with anyone. They turned (I forced her) to 2 marriage agencies, a lot of men called, and I met with some. All her "fools". This one is short, this "nerd", this old one, and so on. In short, it is she herself who does not want a relationship. I have created an IDEAL for myself, under which no one fits. I am very worried, to all my conversations that at 30 years old, few people will need an old maid (although I understand that I'm not quite right), answers - leave me alone, at 30 I'll give birth and that's it. I understand that time is passing, everything must also be done on time. Perhaps the problem is somewhere "contrived" by me.
The possibility of my daughter being lonely and without children is frightening. I must say that she is quite sociable, has male friends (from school), can go to visit a friend and stay overnight. In my opinion, she is already developing a complex. Once, in a conversation with me, she mentioned: “Now I’ll go to bed with a man, he will find out that I’m still a virgin and will laugh. in my opinion, a cover for complexes. Can I persuade her to write to you herself? Suddenly I got something wrong. Anna Sergeevna.

Hello! I would like to know the opinion of a psychologist on my situation. We have been married for 2 years, and we have been in a relationship for over 6 years. There are no children, but we are planning. The husband is a loving and very loyal person. He is 8 years older than me. In general, we have a fairly close relationship. He is more than a husband, but also a friend. And I really appreciate that. He supports me in everything - this also applies to my personal and career growth. He believes that I have been in a state of depression for quite a long time, that I have put all my hands down and disappoint him with my passive position in life. Like, before I was purposeful and active. He is infuriated by my "suspended" state, and I realize that I am causing him pain. I really somehow lost my taste for life and I'm probably not sure now that I want to be with him. At least I often think about divorce. And the only thing that stops me is the fear of hitting him so hard. From the outside, we look like a quite happy couple, and I am often told how lucky I am with my husband.
7 months ago I met a young man with whom I still have a relationship. On my part, the passions have subsided. And he doesn't want to spoil my life and interfere in our relationship with my husband. He will be satisfied if the relationship ends at any moment. Naturally, we do not discuss this situation with my husband, although he may guess. And looking back - I understand that the reason is not my sudden infatuation, but that there are some questions in me that I have not been able to solve myself for more than a year, and maybe longer.
I have always dreamed of great love. This is my dearest wish. But for some reason with my husband I can't do it, although he more than fits the image of an "ideal" family man. What worries me, I do not know. From the outside, it may seem that I am "mad with fat", that, they say, is still necessary - they love, care, cherish. We live in general - it's not bad - we rarely swear, tastes and habits are similar. The times of lapping are over. You can live in peace and be happy, but I do not feel happiness. But I don’t understand what is wrong. Please help me at least understand how to come to terms with all this and continue to live. Vaselisa

Good afternoon. For 2 years now I have been struggling with my "problem love" and at the same time I just can't figure out anything. I met my boyfriend on a business trip, I liked him at first sight, as I did to him. After arriving in our city, we immediately began to meet. Literally 2 weeks later, he introduced me to his parents (at that time I was the first girl they really liked), and they were very pleased that Kolya and I were together. We had wonderful love without each other we could not live more than one day.
Somewhere, after three weeks of our meeting, he suggested that I live together, but, unfortunately, I was not yet ready for this. I work in big business, I am always a lot of hassle, fatigue. Kolya never left me, he constantly supported me, calmed me down. He was both a great guy and a good friend to me, as I was to him. He knew that at any moment he could call me or see that everything immediately falls into place, it was easy for us to solve our problems together. When summer begins, I am at my work day and night, you can say that I live there. Once Colin's sister called me and invited me to walk with them, of course, I agreed. When we came to the nightclub, I started to get some kind of irritation, something worried me, I didn't like how Kolya talks to me, how he behaves (although in reality everything was the same as always, his attention to me remained the same). At the end of our evening, when we were already leaving home, I told Kolya that everything was over between us, I didn't want to be with him anymore. He stood, looked at me with such a look, as if I had killed him - he had no words. I immediately turned around and left for taxi to work. When I was driving, I could not understand what I had done, what it was all about, and I got hysterical. I waited for Kolya's call day and night, but he did not call. I told him I called back a week later, he was very pleased, but at the same time very upset.
When I invited him to meet, he did not immediately accept my invitation. We met with him, after a telephone conversation somewhere, three days later. I began to ask him for forgiveness for what I had done, and ask that we would return our relationship again, and he simply told me: "Sorry, Zaya, I can't help you with anything, I can't meet with you anymore, I wish you only one thing - happiness. You are a good girl and you will find a better guy than me".
He did not give in to any more persuasion. Not my tears, nothing else helped". Lisa, the only thing I can offer you is only friendship, but no more." With great difficulty, of course, but I agreed, I was ready to accept any of his suggestions so that I could only see him. So, we started to be friends with him. We had an incomprehensible relationship with him: he constantly called me, came. At our meetings, he hugged me, kissed me, as before, when we were with him, we also continued to help each other. And one day he called me, I asked him how he was doing on the personal front, and he replied that he was doing well, and that he was now meeting with his ex-girlfriend. It was very hard for me to come to terms with it, but still, I held on.
Despite even this girl, our relationship continued, everything was like in a fairy tale. Once Kolya called me and said "Liza, I want to go on a flight, what do you think I should do?" Of course, I supported him: "I think it's worth trying, you will succeed." And he began to draw up all his documents, almost every day to he called me and told me what his situation was. He asked me very much all the time that I would come and see him off when he left, but at the same time refused (I was so scared to think about it that I would never see him again, I felt very lonely). And then the day of departure came, he had to come to me in the evening, so that to say goodbye, but did not come. In the morning when I came to work, he called me (of course I did not expect) "Hi, my charm, sorry that I didn't come yesterday, I just wanted to be with my parents this evening. Will you come to see me off today?" I say to him: "Sorry, but unfortunately I can't do it." He told me the following words, which I cannot forget to this day, "Sunny, I am very happy that I have you, I am sure that you will be fine while I am on the flight, I promise you that I will be with you. call, thank you for everything, I am very sorry that I will not see you before my departure". When we said goodbye to him, I thought that my heart would jump out of my chest, I had tears in my eyes, I felt so scared, I could not help myself but find a place. ”When my colleagues (friends) saw my condition, immediately they began to persuade me to go to see him off, and I decide on it. I call a taxi and go, when he saw me he had no words, he jumped out of the bus and began kissing me, hugging me in front of everyone "Thank you dear for coming" we are a friend they looked at their friend, with tears in their eyes.
PS next to the bus were his relatives, sister and, of course, a girl. At that moment he saw no one except me. When he left, exactly a week later he called me and told me how he was doing, and at the same time very much asked me to write him something to his email address. All the time I wait for him, and I hope that he will come back to me, I don't know why, but I can feel it. Or maybe it's just self-hypnosis? It doesn't seem like that, though. It's been 7 months already, he should come back from the flight soon. Of course? I can't wait for that day to come. I constantly dream of him, in a dream I see how we are together, he says all the time "I will never leave you again." But at the same time, I am very afraid of something, I am somehow scared.
PS just recently he called me at home, but unfortunately I wasn’t there (when they told me that someone called me, I told my relatives, it was Kolya, they tell me this cannot be, we don’t know Kolya voices) it took about 4 days, and I received a letter from him by email. mail. In it, he asks "have you forgotten me yet"? This is my story.
Maybe you can advise me what to do next? Is there any point in fighting for this person, for your love! And how to behave when we see him? I will be very grateful to you for your answer. Elizabeth.

Dear Eugene.
I have a painful problem. I am 36 years old, I met a man, he is 44. Our meeting took place 1.5 years ago. At that moment everything was bad for him - his mother died, his wife left, the dog died. It seems to me that I was able to pull him out of severe depression with my love, and most importantly, care. I did everything for him. I do not mean sexual relations, but simply in life. I was always by his side, I just supported and helped him with everything I could. Now we live together - he, me and his 16-year-old daughter. We also bought a dog together. We have been living together for 8 months already. We live like a spouse. I cook, clean up. But I want to marry him and I want a child. He does not agree to either one or the other. He says that his soul is burnt out, and he wants neither new responsibility nor children. Since he already has a daughter. But I have no children. And I want a baby. I want to marry him. He says he doesn't know what love is. But he doesn't want to let me go either. I do not know what to do. I feel deeply hurt, insulted and deceived. How is it - I'm everything to him, and he ... I don't know what to do.
Wait, leave, look for an alternative, put pressure on him? I am already 36. It is high time for me to have a baby. What am I doing wrong? I try to be a faithful assistant to him in everything. Help me please! Best regards, Oksana

Hello Eugene. I always read YOUR comments with pleasure, so I decided to write myself.
This is a banal stereotype - they say, everyone needs an agreeable, kind, caring wife, etc. Everyone has a different temperament and almost always our actions are the results of our subconscious. Only now, not everyone can admit it. You can talk a lot about the stars there, etc., only life teaches that when you REALLY want something, and not the illusion of desire you create for yourself! Then she will definitely lead you to the path that will lead you to the desired one. It is necessary not to live in illusions, but to clearly REALIZE WHO this person, with whom you are going to live your life or are living. To think that, they say, to settle down, children will be born or snow will fall on their head, and he will change - just tint his glasses. In general, it is much more pleasant for people to live according to stereotypes and to be led to each of their emotions and not trying to understand and change something, but only to complain about provocations "if you had not done this, then I would not have reacted (a)!" "And you shouldn't have said this!" etc.
I parted company with a person whom I love very much, because I sat down and looked openly at him, around him and FORCED myself to look into the future, without any naive hopes in the style: “here's a stamp and it will be different, or here's a baby will be born and then exactly in a different way, or I will not pay attention to him there ", etc. No. Will not. I understood and left. Only I am responsible for my life. And I am insanely glad that I realized this NOW, and not in this "later". And either he will change, or we are not at all on the way. I'd rather go to a psychologist and pay him for a whole year than howl all my life and be in the "Victim" position. I do not lose hope that we will be together, but not with such an attitude towards each other as we have now.
And generally speaking. I erased half of what I wrote, I think it is not necessary. Someone pretends, someone thinks about it, someone dreams, and someone: He takes it, yes it does!

Hello! I have been reading your newsletter for a long time. And I also want to ask a question. Why can't I fall in love? A few years ago, after parting with my boyfriend (a lot of hassle, I really loved him), I decided that I would not love anyone else. Howling, this is some kind of nightmare. I walked around and hammered this thought into myself, I was just tired of suffering from love. And I think I overdid it ... I don't know what to do: I want love to fill the void in my heart, but I can't fall in love, although there are candidates! Well, just nothing! Please tell me what to do? Nata

Hello! It's good that I came across your site. I understand with my head that no one will advise anything, and only make all the decisions myself, but, as usual, hope says “what if? So, the initial data - I'm 43, he is 49. He is 4 years old, married 2, no children. He loves and is ready to live with what he has, but I do not love and can no longer live like that. Divorce is not being considered. As far back as I can remember, from childhood I dreamed of a close-knit family, but life developed in such a way that with a very attractive appearance (it is not accepted to praise myself, but I note the facts) and an extraordinary mind, all the men bypassed me (as it turned out later, they were just afraid of me) Yes and strict puritanical upbringing sharply narrowed the circle of friends.
At the age of 19, she met a man, as he said - it was love at first sight. But he was married with 2 children and for me it was not an option, they just met occasionally. In short, by the age of 21 I had not yet had a single short-term romance, let alone anything serious. And I wanted to love and be loved madly. In order to at least gain a sexual experience, I started an affair with a man who loved me and was ready to marry (for me it was always important - having sincere feelings and serious intentions). But I did not love him and did not intend to marry him. We parted. And the one with 2 children was waiting for everything.
And when it was already completely unbearable from loneliness, I called him (5 years have passed since we met, and all this time he was waiting): in general, they began to live together, his love was abnormal, so they only love in the cinema - selflessly giving all of yourself and forgiving everything. Cheated, he endured. I was feeding on his love for 5 years, all this time, trying to find someone I could love myself. Nothing worked. Considering it selfishness to keep a good person with you, not loving, she left, hoping to find her love, left the city. Alas. 10 years of a lonely life. Years of tears in my pillow about the wrong decision, realizing that no one will love me like that. And nobody. 30-35 years old: there was just a panic, that the time was almost gone, that even the child was too late: parties, Internet sites - and no one.
Rather, those who were not needed for nothing. Mindful of the first experience - I did not make compromises - I waited for my love. At 37, like a bolt from the blue - oncology. Operation, prognosis is good. The fear came that "if that" - even there would be no one to hold the hand. In general, I understood - you have to make a choice.
In 2004 she met a good man who is crazy about me (almost a copy of the first man), in 2006 she got married. I thought at 40 I could already, I will endure, fall in love: but no: We lived for 2 years, but we have no strength anymore. I don’t want, I don’t want anything from him. Nothing pleases. His love is only annoying. His gifts cause a fit of rabies. His desire to please in everything is a desire to send far. Sex is a duty. Lord, I almost died as a woman: And I understand that he is not to blame for anything. He loves to the point of insanity and has done nothing wrong to me. Everything endures, no matter what I do, everything forgives.
What to do? Give it up? I was already throwing at 20 years old. But then there was a hope that I would still meet my Love, but now there is nothing to hope for. How to live if you don't want to live. For all 40 years I have never met anyone with whom I would have fallen in love. I didn’t sit still - study, work, interests, but now I don’t want anything. I myself see that, in principle, this is depression already. The state of health also affected (I no longer make long-term plans) and dislike for my husband. I do not respect him (for his puppy loyalty and willingness to endure everything + some personal qualities) and, naturally, that irritation is already over the edge. I see that I destroy myself in the first place. I feel sorry for him too - he's a good man. And I am even more furious because I hurt him for nothing. He knows that I do not love him and is ready to live with it. But I can’t take it anymore. I went to psychologists - nothing new, which I myself did not know, they could not say, even greater hopelessness only: Lord, what to do?
Can you tell me? Veronica

Hello. I am very ashamed to write to you. Here it has come to the point that you have to ask for help from a specialist. To begin with, I’m 19 years old, I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years. Our relationship is like: some humiliation and a little bit of happiness. He periodically leaves me, while saying a lot of painful words, then comes back: because I literally beg him: and everything starts all over again. My problem is this: I have always been a very strong person, I can withstand any difficulties, but after meeting him, I am in constant depression. HE killed me as a person, it reaches the point of absurdity, I cannot tell him much, because I am afraid that he will leave again. I turned into a crammed gray mouse that is constantly afraid.
I understand that it is difficult to love a person for such a person, but I am not at all satisfied with what is happening to me, I start crying for any reason, even because of a broken mug, I want to feel like a strong person again, I want to become what I was before meeting him.
How can I overcome the fear that he will leave? Fear of loneliness? And constant tearfulness? Dascha

My name is Lydia, I'm 26, I love life very much, yours are close to me thoughts and I in most cases understand and accept them. Undoubtedly love is the most important thing, love is life. However, despite the fact that I know all this, I cannot, or rather, I am very afraid to love a man, I'm afraid of pain, lies, betrayal, I'm afraid of losing my soul peace. I can love him as a person, with all his virtues and shortcomings, and then it is easy and calm for me, but when feelings change, and I look at him as my man, I want cry, I want to get rid of these feelings, just run away, eliminate this situation from my life. I am very calm and confident person, reasonable enough, my the only drawback that I would like to get rid of is exactly the problem I described. I know her reasons too, I I understand that all men cannot be considered potential "pain-makers", but I don't know how to deal with it. WITH looking forward to your advice and comments.
Hello, I have the following problem: I have been dating a young man for almost a year now, we are fine, but there is a problem on sexual grounds. I am a very temperamental girl, I want a lot of love (sex), more lovemaking, even after orgasm I want to continue, but he wants to sleep. Secondly, it is that he is not enough for me, demonstrates his feelings, I miss his caresses, hugs, kisses, he is too stingy in showing his feelings, maybe because of that. that he is too restrained in emotions and shy. Everything is limited to a mean and innocent kiss. And third, I began to catch myself thinking that I dream of other men, more relaxed, more sensitive, and it hurts me because I don't want to cheat on him, either physically or in my thoughts. I do not know what to do? Vasilisa.

Hello. My name is Vasilisa, I am 28 years old. 6 years ago I started dating the martyr, our relationship is still very good, passionate, we love each other, we are going to get married. For 5 years, I did not take him seriously, I thought that he would not be my husband, we parted many times and I had other men. 4 years ago I got a job in a very large company, the work provided for frequent business trips. 2 years ago I went on a business trip. on business trips, I saw him - he did not stand out in any way, our conversation did not go well either, but I paid attention to him, apparently he felt it. He knew I had a boyfriend. After drinking alcohol, we began to find common themes, there were no hints of anything, and suddenly he suddenly began to pester me, I immediately agreed (on my subconscious I really wanted him) the sex was awesome, but far from the best in my life. In the morning I was terribly ashamed, I did not want to see him when we drove home - I avoided him. Upon arrival, I was really looking forward to his call, but he did not call. I suffered and thought about him 24 hours a day, the guy was ashamed to look in the eyes. At work, we no longer crossed paths. 3 weeks later, he found me in his classmates and said that he could not forget our trip, offered to meet, I said that I could not, I was so afraid and did not see the point. After a couple of weeks, I broke up with my boyfriend, because I could not live like this, thinking about something else, but I did not want a relationship with my colleague. I often thought that he considered me a whore, because I cheated on the guy so easily, I wanted to forget everything. A colleague made several more attempts to see each other, to which I again looked for reservations, although I was extremely glad of any news from him. Then I agreed, I was very worried, he seemed to be too, everything went very uncertainly, tk. we met only a year later, then there were kisses, a hint of sex, to which I made it clear that not today. after this meeting I was very happy, he saw reciprocity, but he no longer offered to meet, but wrote a couple of times. I quit this company and now I miss my new job, to the point of tears. I retired from social networks. I think about my colleague almost every day, I dreamed about him 10 times. With the guy we are together again, I love him and regret what happened. I want to note that I had such casual sex and more than once, I cannot understand why exactly he stuck in my head and seems to be following me? What can these dreams mean? For 2 years, I have been constantly replaying this situation between us, crying and want to return to that company, just to see him again, although I don’t understand why? After all, now everything is fine with me, I am faithful to my man, I love him very much and regret my previous connections. Help! How to let him go and what kind of madness is this ?! Vasilisa

Hello club psychologists.
I am 15 years old, my mother is 35, and her lover is 25. It so happened that we all went on vacation together in the summer, and there I somehow fell in love with my mother's lover. Not that she fell in love, she began to be very jealous. At first I didn't admit it to myself, but then I had to admit it. Mom found out about it. Soon the feelings passed, but now every time we all see each other (although a year has passed already), she begins to behave strangely. Becomes very strict, cold and bitchy.
I don't know what to do. It becomes very unpleasant, and even then I don't want to communicate with her. Sometimes she asks if I'm jealous? I answer the truth: no. This is followed by an angry ironic exclamation or the same look.
I have a lot of common interests with her lover, which she does not seem to understand and because of this she gets mad, and feels old.
Now we communicate with him as ordinary friends, but after her conversations I do not want to see either one or the other. Tell me how to be?

This page is from the section Part III. Ecology of the culture of love:

The concept of love in polyamory: components of a discourse about multiple love relationships. K. Klesse

The religion of love. R. Precht

Fucked up and hypersexual. R. Precht

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

Psychiatric confusion with love at school. E. Pushkarev

If you eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love.

"Romantic love": aspects, analysis and consequences.

Men and women: leadership in love and marriage.

Treason from different sides.

How to get rid of "love"?

The reason for unhappy love for another ...

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love.

About health.

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The story of love feelings. E. Pushkarev

True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Sigmund Freud about love.

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." almost 2000 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.

Эрих Фромм

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

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Примеры настоящей любви

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Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми