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The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E Pushkarev

Google Translate Automated Translation - Original Text

If you stop loving me, I will die that very evening.
From the song of F. Kirkorov

This article is part of the "school block":

Dramaturgy of love. E. Pushkarev

"First love" is an important step in puberty. E. Pushkarev

Psychiatric confusion with love in school literature. E. Pushkarev

The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev

Natasha Rostova and Pierre Bezukhov. Examples of true love. E. Pushkarev

The grammar of love. Ivan Bunin

The concept of love in the stories of I.A. Bunin. O. Eremina

Love and the "Garnet Bracelet". L.G. Boring

book by Anna Karenina

Letter to the Club "The question is, rather, what to do with all this. We have known each other for about five years. Yes, there was a stormy relationship at the very beginning of the novel. The passion with which events unfolded swept away everything on its own. path and from his side (as it still seems to me) too! Then I divorced my husband, he began to come less often. Then: completely disappeared somewhere. I tried to put an end, but nothing comes of it. As soon as I put myself a barrier , it arises and again starts all over again, i.e. a short moment of meeting, and then just stupid waiting for a call. Waiting for a call turned into illness. I wait for a call even in my sleep. I do not part with the phone for a minute, and I get upset if someone calls This is already drawing insanity. An attempt to talk to him about "dotting the i's" turned out to be chaotic. with the name “Love.” I understand in my mind that it needs to be completed, but it hurts me a lot: M it wouldn’t be easier if he left and never reappeared. Or he would offend me with words. Does not work. It is impossible to start a relationship with others. I am afraid that they will be deceived, I do not want fleeting hobbies. I want a reliable "rear". Veronica.

Of similar letters, the longest "experience" of love mania, with which they contacted the Club:
"I turned to you because I suffer a lot, I love one person for 24 years. When we were young, we studied at the same institute, but then without passing the exam he was taken into the army. I went to see him every week, but stupid jealousy the lack of agreement (he met another girl, then married her in the army), became the reason for the breakup.In the same month I fell ill, lost 10 kg, quit the institute and work and for two months simply did not see anything, then the love of my parents was taken out I gradually got out of this situation. I got married and gave birth to a son and was happy. But after 9 years in my life he appears again. I again seemed to lose my head, again believed that he loved me, cheated on my husband. I felt the happiest in the world , did not live, flew through the air. He told her husband everything, insisted on my divorce. Now I have been dating him for 9 years, but he still remains in his family. Everything promises that we will be together, but he is looking for opportunities just fine spend time with me calmly and accuses me of not being together. When alone, I understand everything. When I forget everything with him, everything in the world. My soul hurts. "Ksenia, 41 years old, Moscow.

A person's way out of a crisis is always associated with finding a different place in life, new spiritual values.
L.N. Tolstoy

The stories from the above letters refer to the painful disorder "poor quality falling in love - mania" or love mania described in detail Here

This disorder - love mania is not only well studied, but with a high degree of probability it is possible to predict what would happen if Veronica and Xenia started a family with their beloved ones. This does not mean that heaven on earth would come for them, but another equally dramatic, neurotic page of this disorder would begin.

One of the hallmarks of love from love mania:
- in love: we feel good together, and we feel good separately;
- in love mania: in the first stages - we are good together, but bad without each other, on later stages - and together it is bad, and apart is bad.

Living together - the second stage of love mania begins with an unpleasant surprise: the desired does not coincide with reality. The beloved falls short of the ideal of dreams. His (or her) "sick with love" is not enough all the time. When he was out of the zone of daily communication, any meeting caused euphoria, and today, when he is next to him in the morning, this is no longer enough. As a result, the "patient" and without him (without her) feel bad, and with him (with her) it is bad, since not meeting expectations leads to dissatisfaction and frustration.
An important feature of this neurotic need for love is its insatiability, expressed in extreme jealousy, which is not a reaction based on rational factors, but on the demand to be the only subject of attention. Another sign of gluttony is the need for "unconditional love," waiting for constant evidence of "love." Any failure to meet these absolute requirements is perceived as rejection, and the "patient" is extremely sensitive to rejection, it causes panic and a sense of the collapse of his whole life.
The happiest period in this state is the anticipation of a meeting (euphoria returns for a short time), however, the alcoholic also gets euphoria in anticipation of drinking. And the more "dose of love" necessary for the satisfaction of the "sick", the more the object of love does not coincide with the ideal, the stronger during and after the meeting the disappointment leading to suffering, grief. After all, when the dose is not given, the addict (even from alcohol, even from drugs, even from slot machines) suffers. The "patient" wants to increase the dose of love (proof, passion), but the object of love does not want to increase it. He loves in his own way, as recorded in his life scenario.
The "patient" has a need to improve, change his beloved (beloved). It seems to him that if the beloved changes, begins to "truly love", then it will become easier for him, the "patient". A vicious circle is formed: the more he tries to change his beloved, the more he resists and less reciprocates to the “patient”, and the more the beloved resists, the more the “patient” experiences and tries to change him (her) “why don't you want to understand me ", and the more he suffers. In such a relationship, there is no freedom, harmony and equality. Any desire to change someone (even if you are biased to sort things out, the more you cry, beg for something) is violence against that person. And from any violence, a person seeks to leave, run away, break off the chain. Even if it is dressed up in "clothes of love".

L. N. Tolstoy is not only the greatest writer - psychologist, but also a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist among novelists, he brings to us the originality of such emotional reactions that without the psychological depth of his approach would hardly have been revealed at all in fiction, they are deeply human and play an essential role in the behavior of the individual as a whole.
The famous Russian psychotherapist NE Osipov (1877-1934) called Leo Tolstoy's works "psychoanalysis in artistic form" and in his works he mentioned the name of the writer no less often than the name of the founder of psychoanalytic doctrine Z. Freud.
Moreover, N.E. Osipov sees in Tolstoy himself an intuitive psychoanalyst who anticipated Freud's discovery, the scientist sees commonality in the methods of psychoanalysis and Tolstoy's artistic method. N.E. Osipov considered common in Tolstoy and Freud attention to small strokes and their attitude to them as having deep meaning.
From a professional point of view, the work of Tolstoy, the famous physiologist I.P. Pavlova. About Anna's inner monologue, when she hurries to the Nizhegorodsky railway station before her end, I.P. Pavlov, for example, will say that "science here comes up against something that should be done from its point of view." And to the credit of medical science, it should be noted that she fulfilled this behest of I.P. Pavlova.
The second stage of love mania is described vividly, reliably in detail by LN Tolstoy in his novel Anna Karenina.
After a whirlwind romance, Anna had a daughter from Vronsky. She leaves her husband, and they live in the rich estate of Vronsky. It would seem, live and rejoice, there is a beloved and loving man nearby, a baby daughter, but the "dose of love" has decreased.

And now, when no religious commandments weigh over us and we can sleep with everyone in a row, and love completely different people, the principle “Vengeance is mine and I will repay” works just as inevitably.
By the way, this epigraph to "Anna Karenina" is read in line with the Christian commandments only in Russia. Foreigners naively believe that Tolstoy's novel is about anything but the heroine's moral crime. The pathos of the American film adaptation - in the fight against imperfect divorce laws. French - in psychoanalytic allusions. And only for us it is obvious: Anna, who swore to God to love only her husband in church, is possessed by a carnal passion for another, and therefore must be punished.
Professor, Doctor of Philosophy E.N. Shapinskaya

Vronsky tries to take an active part in the management of the estate, for a considerable part of the day he is on the master's journeys. Anna sees in this his cooling. Anna constantly lacks his love, or rather passion: "If you loved me as I loved you:" Vronsky: "Anna, why torture yourself and me like that?" - he said, kissing her hands".

Tolstoy chooses an apt comparison "she enmeshes him in her love nets":
"Vronsky appreciated this, which had become the only goal of her life, the desire not only to please him, but to serve him, but at the same time was burdened by those love nets with which she tried to entangle him. The more time passed, the more often he saw himself entangled in these nets, the more he wanted not only to get out of them, but try to see if they interfere with his freedom. If not for this all the growing desire to be free, not to have a scene every time he I had to go to the city for the congress, on the races, Vronsky would be quite happy with his life".

When Tolstoy was writing the novel, he, of course, did not think about love mania, but it so happened that he chose mania as a prototype of the relationship between Anna Karenina and Vronsky, and it turned out so expressively and authentically.
After living all summer and part of autumn in the village, Vronsky and Anna came to Moscow to solve household and documentary matters, so that afterwards they would return to the village for permanent residence. Vronsky expresses his desire that they still have children.

Codependency in the form of stereotypes of behavior and feeling in the civilizational process of the cultural tradition, especially the Russian one, was accepted and approved by society as an ideal, promoted by art and literature. Any encroachment on these stereotypes is perceived as a deliberate revolt - the revolt of Anna Karenina in Tolstoy, Katerina in Ostrovsky and many other characters. On the other hand, the stories of Romeo and Juliet, Solveig, young Werther are interpreted as stories of great love, and not an obvious pathology of relationships.
doctor of pedagogical sciences I. Shapoval.

Two days before suicide

"The irritation that separated them had no external cause, and all attempts to explain not only did not eliminate it, but increased it. It was an internal irritation, which was based for her on a decrease in his love, for him - remorse of that that he put himself for her sake in a difficult situation, which she, instead of alleviating, makes it even more difficult.Neither one nor the other did not express the reasons for their irritation, but they considered each other wrong and at every pretext tried to prove it to each other ...
For her, all of him, with all his habits, thoughts, desires, with all his mental and physical makeup, was one thing - love for women, and this love, which, in her feeling, should have been all concentrated on her alone, this love has diminished; therefore, she reasoned, he was part of love to move to the other or to another woman - and she was jealous. She was jealous of him not for any woman, but for the diminution of his love. Not having yet an object for jealousy, she looked for it. At the slightest hint, she transferred her jealousy from one subject to another. She was jealous of him for those rude women with whom, thanks to his unmarried relations, he could so easily enter into relations; then she was jealous of him of society women with whom he could meet; then she was jealous of him for an imaginary girl, whom he wanted to marry after breaking the connection with her. And this last jealousy tormented her most of all, especially because he himself inadvertently told her in a frank minute that his mother understood him so little that she allowed herself to persuade him to marry Princess Sorokina.
And, jealous of him, Anna was indignant at him and looked for reasons for indignation in everything . For everything that was difficult in her situation, she blamed him. The agonizing state of expectation that she lived between heaven and earth in Moscow, the slowness and indecision of Alexei Alexandrovich, her solitude - she attributed everything to him. If he loved, he would understand the full gravity of her position and would bring her out of him. The fact that she lived in Moscow, and not in the countryside, was his fault. He could not live, buried in the village, as she wanted. He needed company, and he put her in this terrible position, the severity of which he did not want to understand. And again he was to blame for the fact that she was forever separated from her son.
Even those rare moments of tenderness that came between them did not soothe her: in his tenderness now she saw a shade of calmness, confidence that had not been there before and that irritated her".

Addiction as a bodily (physical) state changes the levels of wakefulness, endurance, physical well-being, autonomic functions, sexual activity, etc. The boundaries between psychological and physical dependence are relative, and at the somatic level, the absence of an object of need (substance, person, activity, etc.) leads to deep enough deviations and disorders of the body, sometimes even incompatible with life.
doctor of pedagogical sciences I. Shapoval.

The day before the suicide. Anna's conversation with Vronsky:

"Why are you not telling the truth while showing off your directness?
“I never brag and I never tell a lie,” he said quietly, holding back the anger that was rising in him. - It’s a pity if you don’t respect ...
- Respect was invented in order to hide an empty place where love should be. And if you don’t love me anymore, then it’s better and more honest to say it.
- No, this is getting unbearable! - cried Vronsky, getting up from his chair. And, stopping in front of her, he said slowly: - To what do you try my patience? - he said with such an air as if he could say a lot more, but he held back. - It has limits.
- What do you mean by this? she cried, looking with horror at the obvious expression of hatred that was all over her face and especially in the cruel, menacing eyes.
- I mean ... - he started, but stopped. “I have to ask what you want from me.
- What can I want? I can only want you not to leave me, as you think, - she said, realizing everything that he did not finish.
- But I don't want that, it's secondary. I want love, but there is none. So it's all over!
She headed for the door.
- Wait! Wait ... stop! ”Said Vronsky, not pushing apart the gloomy crease of his eyebrows, but stopping her by the hand. - What's the matter? I said that the departure should be postponed for three days, you told me that I was lying, that I was a dishonest person.
- Yes, and I repeat that a person who reproaches me for sacrificing everything for me, she said, recalling the words of an earlier quarrel, that this is worse than a dishonest person, is a person without a heart ...
“No, there are limits to patience!” he screamed and quickly released her hand. "He hates me, it's clear," she thought, and silently, without looking back, she left the room with false steps.
"He loves another woman, it is even clearer - she said to herself, coming into my room -. I want to love, but it is not So, it's over, -. She repeated the words uttered by it - and I have to finish".
“Drop me, drop me!” she said between sobs. - I'll leave tomorrow ... I'll do more. Who am I? depraved woman. A stone around your neck. I don’t want to torture you, I don’t want to! I will set you free. You do not love, you love another!
Vronsky begged her to calm down and assured her that there was no ghost of the basis for her jealousy, that he never stopped and would not stop loving her, that he loved her more than before.
- Anna, why torture yourself and me like that? he said, kissing her hands. His face now expressed tenderness, and it seemed to her that she heard in her ear the sound of tears in his voice and felt their moisture on her hand.
And instantly Anna's desperate jealousy turned into desperate, passionate tenderness; she hugged him, covered his head, neck, arms with kisses".

... falling in love on its own cannot resist; but she is so crushing, sweet, terrible and sublime that her fall is truly terrible. It's good if she breaks and dies. But she can survive and mercilessly tie two tormentors who will take, not giving, jealous, suspect, annoy, fight for power and freedom, enjoy scandals. Read Anna Karenina and don’t think that “this” happens only with Russians.
K.S. Lewis

Lara Fabian has a song "I'm sick with you" (there are a lot of songs with such a diagnosis, it's just that Lara sang this theme at the level of Leo Tolstoy's novel), which is best suited for artistic illustration of Anna's painful attraction to Vronsky.

On the day of the suicide. Anna's thoughts:

"My love keeps growing more passionate and egoistic, and it all goes out and goes, and that's why we disagree - she continued to think -. And . no help for it I have everything in it alone, and I demand that he all the more and more given to me. and it is more and more looking to get away from me. We walked to meet up connection, and then uncontrollably disperse in different directions. and change it is impossible. he tells me that I'm insanely jealous, and I told myself that I was senselessly jealous; but that’s not true. I’m not jealous, but I’m unhappy. But ... "She opened her mouth and shifted in the wheelchair from the excitement that suddenly came to her in her thought." If I could to be something other than a mistress, passionately loving only his caresses; but I cannot and do not want to be anything else. And with this desire I arouse disgust in him, and he is in me anger, and it can not be otherwise. I know that he would not deceive me, that he has no views on Sorokin, that he is not in love with Kitty, that he is not cheating um me? I know all this, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. If he, not loving me, out of duty, will be kind, gentle to me, but that will not be what I want - but this is a thousand times worse than anger! This is hell! And this is what it is. He hasn't loved me for a long time. And where love ends, hatred begins".

The excerpts given here are only a small part of the description of the biased relationship between Anna and Vronsky, in the novel everything is in small details and details and everything is very accurate. The novel can be used as a textbook for the study of love mania.
Leo Tolstoy sincerely believed that he was describing love in its various manifestations, and the confusion resulted in a description of a painful disorder - a neurotic need for "love", an extremely difficult compulsive, irresistible stage.

“Unfortunately, the love that is sung in literary sources and is a role model is precisely love addiction. The stories of Romeo and Juliet, Petrarch and Laura, Jose and Carmen, Anna Karenina and Vronsky and other excellent descriptions of such relationships show people exactly what true love should be. Full of suffering and anxiety, obstacles and humiliation, most likely without prospects and flowing like sand. The vast majority of love songs are about addictive relationships. The series, in which the heroes overcome almost impossible obstacles, suffer from bullying and betrayal, and in the end get what they want, praise the love addiction. People from childhood are brought up on such examples, forming a stereotype that true love can and should be unhappy and full of suffering".
K.psh.n. A.L. Fedosov, Institute of Psychology. G.S. Kostyuk APN Ukraine

He described the love experiences and sufferings of the heroes of his novels so talentedly and in detail that he confused not only the readers, but also himself.
"After all, what is, most importantly, nasty," wrote Leo Tolstoy at the end of his life. it's a shame to remember: But people pretend that the vile and shameful is beautiful and sublime: Spiritual affinity! Unity of ideals! But in this case, there is no need to sleep together". He tried to build his personal life on the basis of the ideals that he proclaimed, described in novels. But from painful delusions, good is not worth waiting for.

"In the family of Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy, the crisis of marital relations has been a constant state for several decades. Both characters in the drama - both Lev Nikolaevich and Sofya Andreevna - in all conscientiousness tried, each in their own way, to save the family. And they even seemed to succeed, but how did it happen? .. To say - "bad, bad it turned out" language does not turn out, because all this heavy permanent crisis history has become, in the end, History - the biography of the great genius. It turned out tragically to save this family - it would be more correct to say so clumsily. And the defeat and the gap all the same - right before the curtain - the gap and became the curtain ...".
Psychotherapist V.Levi

"I lived with Lev Nikolayevich for forty-eight years, and I never found out what kind of person he was ..."
Sofya Andreevna, wife of Leo Tolstoy

There are already enough scientific works that allow diagnosing Anna's experiences as a love addiction. It is well studied and for several decades it has been included in the International Classifier of Diseases (ICD-10) in section F63. "Disorders of habits and impulses" is included in the section of non-chemical forms of addictive behavior - Love Addiction.

Test for detecting love addiction according to Egorov.
Screening test for sexual addiction according to Carnes.

Moreover, now there are methods to identify a predisposition to love and other disorders - addictions before they occur, i.e. even before Anna met Karenin and Vronsky.

Individual psychological determinants of love addiction in girls. S. Skvortsova

Painful addiction is not only a problem for one sufferer, it is a painful problem for the whole family and children are especially vulnerable to contracting the disorder - codependency. Therefore, it is not difficult to predict what kind of codependencies the children of Anna Karenina will suffer.
More details:
The concept of love in the stories of IABunin. O. Eremina
The grammar of love. I. Bunin
Naturally, with the aim of eliminating them, a general rule applies here: the sooner you start work on getting rid of, the faster you will be cured.

Signs of love addiction:
- Complete dependence of the personal, emotional life of the "patient" on the object of addiction;
- Sharp changes in sensual polarities and moods:
"And instantly Anna's desperate jealousy turned into desperate, passionate tenderness; she hugged him, covered his head, neck and arms with kisses."
- In love mania, everything is passionate with anguish, with overlap without objective reasons, grounds and reasons:
"Anna, why torture yourself and me so?" he said, kissing her hands. His face now expressed tenderness, and it seemed to her that she heard in her ear the sound of tears in his voice and felt on her hand their moisture".
With these shuffles the "patient" tortures himself and the other, making normal life impossible, all this is typical for other disorders as well.

As in the case of heroin and its irrevocably gone euphoria, or with cigarettes habitually smoked in excess, something originally intended to bring pleasure holds on more firmly after it has ceased to perform this task. This is now supported by negative rather than positive considerations. The love partner must be there to satisfy a deep, painful need, or the addict begins to feel the pain of withdrawal. His emotional security is so dependent on this other individual around whom he has organized his entire life that being deprived of a lover is an unbearable blow to his system of existence.
S. Peel, A. Brodsky "Love and Addiction"

The gravitation towards describing love pathology instead of love itself suffered not only Leo Tolstoy, but also many other great writers, and Shakespeare is perhaps the greatest lover of love mania. In his works there are murders and paired suicides, etc., but all this is so bright, poetic, colorful that a common reader, especially a young one, is delighted with pathology, mental deviations and a desire to imitate.

"Romeo and Juliet" is the most harmful piece ...
D. Philos. V.V.Zhirinovsky"

If in our time Anna, Othello, Romeo, Juliet, Petrarch, Dante, poor Lisa turned to a modern psychotherapist, he could provide them with qualified help that allows them to get rid of painful disharmonies, experiences, drives, and causes who caused them and it would be their happiness.

But this does not mean at all that love mania in our society is outdated, it flourishes more than in the time of Anna Karenina.

The most famous public experience of this disorder of both the first and second stages is demonstrated by Philip Kirkorov to Alla Borisovna. Even a marriage for more than 10 years could not heal the mental trauma received by Philip in early childhood. And Alla Borisovna could not stand the painful love claims of the young spouse, they divorced.
I will die
Look me in the eye
I'm not lying
Tell me I'll die for you
If only you knew
That nobody loves you
Since I love
I will die for you.

Help in getting rid of any addiction to alcohol, nicotine, gambling, love, etc. is possible only for the "patient" who wants it himself. Xenia, like the majority of those who applied to our Club, did not have the courage and determination to break with the painful addiction, the stage has come when it is more habitual in painful addiction than in a healthy life. This is a situation when it is no longer possible to get rid of "love", the "point of no return" has been passed.

Neurotics complain about their illness, although for the most part they create it themselves. When you come close to debunking their illness, they rush to its defense like a lioness saving her cubs.
Z. Freud

E Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTENED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

Another female fate, but already happy, described in detail in the smallest detail by Leo Tolstoy in the novel "War and Peace" "Natasha Rostova and Pierre Bezukhov". Examples of true love.

Letters to the Club

Other examples of substandard love mania, she is love mania, "too strong love" (unhealthy relationships), "addicted relationships", "overselective love", "obsessive love", "love syndrome", "infantile neurosis ", addiction. Each of these names is correct and reflects a specific feature of the painful condition or the reason for its origin.

I am meeting a very nice person, he is really dear to me. But the problem is that my ex-boyfriend came back from the past. Probably (I find it very difficult to admit it), he was the only man whom I truly loved. But he is not worthy of it. I suffered so much for all the time that we were together, forgot about pride, about myself, completely dissolved in his essence. He was also happy, because, as he himself admitted, he was going through an interesting period of his life. But he is a very freedom-loving person and, despite the fact that it was good for us together, he did not dare to confess his feelings to me for a long time, he kept saying that I was his best friend. As schoolchildren, I'm 30 and I'm tired of playing stupid games.
I took the first step, he was terribly happy, he said that he did not dare to himself, because he was afraid of offending or frightening me, but this is so childish, my feelings were open, and he always knew about them. I am an open person, I do not know if it is to my detriment, but I am. Why he was afraid to scare me with his confession, I do not understand. In general, I do not understand a lot about his behavior.
That whole week after my confession was just idyllic. We were both happy. But, a few days later, he called the killed, as if in a regretful voice, declared that it was not clear to him what was happening, that he missed me very much, that he did not understand himself. Well, all sorts of nonsense like that. I was terribly offended and answered so as not to worry that I was not going to marry him anyway. He was embarrassed by my words and even offended. The relationship went wrong. But I continued to love him, and we continued our relationship as friends, although we couldn't call it friends.
And two months later he took it and left. Didn't write, didn't call. He just struck me out of life. I rushed about for a long time in search of answers to the questions that tormented me, I did not understand the reason for his behavior, why and what he was so afraid of. Is it really so scary to love me, so painful.
After him, I rushed into the pool with my head, met, flirted, slept with everyone. This went on for exactly one year. I finally came to my senses, came to my senses, calmed down and met a real man. He loves me and is not afraid of his feelings. With him, I felt like a woman, we plan the future. And here he appears, and bam !! everything comes back. I lost my peace, we exchanged a couple of unfriendly words in the chat, and I realized that this is actually a coward. I calmed down again, decided that I had thrown him out of my heart, I was delighted. But then it turned out that she was wrong, that she could not forget him.
Thinking about him again took possession of my heart. I can’t overpower myself. We talked to him again in the chat, did not swear, in a friendly way, even joked. With every word he said, the ice melted and melted. He, of course, has no idea what is going on in my soul. I feel bad, very bad, I am all at the mercy of this newly flared up passion. He hints about a meeting, and I can hardly restrain myself so as not to run to him and throw myself on his neck. But most importantly, I already know him well, I am sure that history will repeat itself, as soon as I let him into my life again, everything will repeat itself, he will probably soon stop appreciating me and run away.
I don't want to lose the man I'm dating. Only with him will my future be formed, my unbearable character is only to his heart. Tell me, I beg you, how can I get rid of this obsession? Precisely obsessions, because, since I lost my peace, all I do is run to the computer, hoping to find his letter there. Why can't I forget? I must! I'm proud! Even in a dream, seeing his face, a smile, I shudder, I wake up. Life has lost its meaning for me. I feel so bad. I don't know why this person acts on me like that. Lord, how hard it is for me! Forgive me if I wrote it incomprehensibly, but my feelings are so agitated that I can not concentrate. I will answer if something is not clear. Oksana

Hello! I have a problem in a relationship with a loved one. He is 20 years older than me. We have known each other for 2 years. At first there was an easy romance, which turned into friendship - for a year we just talked as friends, and then he came to visit for a housewarming, and when he left he suddenly kissed me - I was surprised, because I thought that as a woman I was no longer interesting to him. We began to meet again, and then I realized that I love him. I told him about it. I have not heard words of love from him. He is silent to my question. After half a year, I realized that I could not be in such a situation. She put a condition: either we are together at all or part. He said that he could not be with me, because he was afraid of such relationships and ran away from them all his life, but he wanted me to be there, that he needed my warmth. But we meet once a week, and that's not enough for me. We tried to part, but it’s so hard for me without him, it’s like I’m suffocating. Actually, I don't know what to do. We cannot be together and we cannot not see each other either. In the end, I called him, he said he wanted to see me. We agreed to meet, but I understand that nothing will change from this meeting. And I can't give up this relationship, either will, or the mind is not enough? I hope that everything will change. Help me figure it out, I'm completely confused. Ksenia.

Good afternoon. I want to know your opinion about my story. The story is usual, I met a young man, married. Then I was 24 years old, I fell in love to the point of unconsciousness. He was not going to divorce his family, even there was no question of it. 6 years have passed since then, now I am 30, and he is 40. I know that all this needs to be stopped, but I can’t, I’m so used to him that I can’t even imagine that we will part. I no longer feel like a woman next to him, because I know that he uses me, but I am still drawn to him.
I tried to meet other young people, but it didn't last long. But he was always the only man in my life. She scared all her potential boyfriends with her cold and thorns. I turned to psychologists, read books, to some extent it became easier, but still I can't stop thinking about him. Please help me with advice. Alla.

I just can't break the relationship. From the very beginning I was haunted by the same phrase "Run". I ran, but without him it was impossible to breathe, I was incredibly drawn to him, and it was bad with him - our amplitudes did not coincide. They fought constantly. Everything is on the edge of a knife, the intensity of passions. So much effort has been given. And so many years. Wildly tired. We scattered. But I just can't forget him.

At first I was just dying. Then I learned to live without him, he was only in my thoughts. She lived in another city. I thought I won myself. But: they met - a flame of love burst out of the chest again and again, as if there had not been a year of separation - the same quarrels, claims, the same pain: And so for 10 years: What is this? Addiction, weakness? How to overcome this ailment? After all, I lived before him without him: Tatiana

I am an adult young man. I have a wife and a son. There is comfort and prosperity in the house. BUT. I am madly in love with another girl with whom I do not maintain a relationship, because I dare not leave my family. I feel like I'm slowly "dying". I can competently analyze situations and make decisions. But that doesn't work. I need actionable advice. HOW TO RETURN TO LIFE !? Andrey

Hello. I've been dating a married man for five years. He has long wanted to break off relations with me, fell out of love with me and began to value his family and wife anew. I can't let him go, I'm humiliated, I call, I beg to come back every time I leave. He never promised me anything. I don’t know how to let him go. It seems life will end without him. I understand that I do not need it, but I can’t otherwise. When he talks about parting, I start to panic. It feels like my brain is shutting down. I call, looking for him, I beg him to regret and stay. I want to get rid of these feelings for him, this is some kind of manic addiction, something abnormal. Natalia.

Hello. I will not talk about myself, but about my friend. She is 24, she has been dating a man for a long time (about five years), he is several years older than her, eight years. We lived together, she left him several times, because he sometimes beat her! For half a year she did not return to him after she beat him badly (She is a kind, beautiful, with good taste, caring girl, she cooks well, even embroiders with a cross (funny, but I'm not joking) I'll say a few words about him (just out of anger) , so that you have an idea: not handsome, overweight, earns seems to be freelance, I don’t know what, there were many women before her, all the time there were some problems. But she loves him very much. Like in a fairy tale, yes. And now she returned (because love), at first everything was fine, but now he began again, he says, swinging. Of course she doesn't like it, she told him that she was leaving. But she didn’t leave (She tells me that she’s afraid to be left alone. This is all clear of course : I understand that it is very difficult to leave when you love her. How can I help her! Please, tell me. I really, really feel sorry for her, you should have seen, she is lovely. Burns her golden years on this freak. Elena.

Hello. I really need objective advice. I'm 25, I've been married for 5 years, and I don't know why I live with my husband at all. He is kind, caring, loves me, but for me he has become completely alien. Lately, I hardly talk to him, I'm not interested, we live like neighbors. I really fell in love with another person, but he is also married, and waiting for a divorce from him is useless. We are together very well, and that to bend my soul, I dream of being always with him. Being next to my unloved husband, I torment him and I suffer myself, I have proposed a divorce many times, he doesn’t want to hear about it, and I don’t have the heart to admit that I am madly in love with another. I do not know what to do. And I’m very afraid to be left all alone, and I simply don’t have the strength to continue the long-dead relationship. My parents do not support my choice, I do not see any support from anyone. I want him to make a choice between me and my wife himself, without my pressure.
This is life and there is no guarantee that we will be together with him, it's just that for the first time in my life I feel that I don't need anyone else besides this man. I finally wanted a child, and from him. I have a choice before me: to stay in comfort, but with the unloved and always suffer, or to leave it is not clear where, but to be able at least sometimes to meet with a person who is very dear to me, to remain on the sidelines and warm myself with a little hope that my beloved can still will choose me. I've been torn for a long time now and I'm very tired of this story. Please tell me what to do? Larissa.

On the impact of such neurotic loves and relationships on health in the book by Kurt Tepervine "Psychosomatics, relationships and health." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

This page is from the section "The Psychology of Love".

Articles related to the same topic:

A large collection of articles and books about love addiction, which our culture often calls "addictive love" "over-selective love" , "Neurotic love", "too much love", "more than love", "compulsive love", "toxic love", etc. and people suffering from these disorders.

The origin of love addiction. G. Starshenbaum

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

How to get rid of "love"? E. Pushkarev

The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Causes of mental health disorders. A. Shuvalov

Sigmund Freud about love.

Sexuality, female and male orgasms.

In our library there are more than 2000 books and videos on the topic "Love, family, sex and about ..." books on the topic of this article:

Scott Dowling "Psychology and Treatment of Addictive Behavior"

Valentina Moskalenko “When there is too much love. Prevention of love addiction "

Boris Didenko "Predatory Love"

Susan Israelson, Elizabeth McAvoy "Marilyn Monroe Syndrome"

Roman M. Koidl "Scoundrels: why women choose the wrong men"

Philip van Manching, Bernie Katz "Parents are to blame for everything, or why your love relationship is not working out"

Robin Norwood "Should You Be a Slave to Love?"

Robin Norwood "Women Who Love Too Much"

Stanton Peel, Archie Brodsky. "Love and Addiction"

Gennady Starshenbaum "Addictology: Psychology and Psychotherapy of Addictions"

Stephen Hassen "Freeing From Psychological Abuse"

Irwin Yalom "Treatment for Love and Other Psychotherapeutic Novels"

and others.

Эрих Фромм

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

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Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми