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Is love an emotion, a feeling or what? E. Pushkarev

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Love is not a fleeting phenomenon in a person's life, referring only to the premarital period, as the vulgar think. This is a feeling that lives and grows stronger throughout the life of the spouses.
N. G. Chernyshevsky

Love is more than a reasonable mind, but without him it is not able to act as an internal saving force, uplifting, and not abolish both individuality.
V.S. Soloviev

Ekaterina Maksimova and Vladimir Vasiliev The club is often asked the question: "Is love an emotion, a feeling, or what?" Let's figure it out, but in order not to miss anything, let's start from the very birth. A person receives basic basic life attitudes in the first three years of life, child psychologist Peter Struck from Germany assures this. In a harmonious family, where there is a father and mother who love not only their child, but also each other (phylogamous family), the child fully goes through all the key phases of development, which leads to the formation of a personality most fully adapted to the realities of adult sexual life. In single-parent families or in families where the relationship between spouses is devoid of love and understanding, lack of a good example, bodily and other affection leads to difficulties in relationships with the opposite sex in the future.

An excerpt from a letter to the Club of a man raised by one mother:

“... I can’t even imagine this, if I had a child, he would inevitably grow up with such a character as mine, and this is terrible. I live with my mother, she devoted her whole life to me, but I cannot understand why? what did she do wrong that grew up such a moral freak? yes, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t use drugs ... but if it can be called virtues, then they are exhausted.
I am smart, interesting, broad-minded. Well, so what? I am selfish, egocentric, malicious, arrogant, malicious, etc., of course, I carefully hide all this, but I do not always succeed. Therefore, I have no friends, but I was at school and university. I, of course, have a girlfriend and not one, but from the very beginning this relationship was started as a compensatory one.
I hardly talk to my mother, I am not interested in this, and I feel sorry for her. I don't want us to be closer ... I look at people at work, they are almost all younger than me, but they have wives and children, and they are happy. I could not live like them, this way of life, it terrifies me, but they feel good, and I envy the fact that they can be happy. I cannot even theoretically apply all this to myself ... And my inability to be happy with my wide range of interests and a fairly eventful life worries me. Such people become suicides ... ”Gleb, 36 years old.

Another example:
Excerpt from a letter to the Club. “... My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, but I don't remember exactly. My father still holds a grudge against my mother, and for me he has always been an example in life. Also, when I was 10 years old, he told the story that his new wife gave birth to a child from him (even when he was married to my mother) because she loved him and just wanted to get pregnant from him, and raise the child alone. When she gave birth to a boy, my father went to her. Now he left them too, living at the moment with a young woman with a child.
I began to live alone, having moved to Moscow, at the age of 18 (now I'm 23) I always had plans to raise my child alone. I'm not against men at all, at a party, a romantic walk in the park. I have a positive and relaxed attitude towards sex. But constantly, for years to be with a man in close, intimate, trusting relationship, it is not just unnatural, it is hard labor.
And So I Met Another Young Man. He has peace and quiet in his family. Parents love each other or pretend, who will define them? He invited me to marry him, I am in great thought. I like his courtship, courtesy, positiveness. But from time to time from this "jelly" such deadly boredom rolls over me. I easily get to know other guys and have fun with them to the fullest. After that, fate, or rather his perseverance, brings me back to my young man. And again I am becoming a good girl who is terribly afraid of her own freaks. I am terribly afraid of myself, my past. Every time we quarrel, even over trifles, I imagine that I will say something from which he will leave me forever. I do not want to feel either abandoned or guilty, and I think that with the other he will be better. How can you get rid of your quirks, thoughts that I am not worthy of him? "

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Therefore, from the very beginning, love is a programmatic setting , recorded in the child's subconscious, which will turn on when puberty begins. The more complete the love received by a child in childhood, the more harmonious his future love and family will be.

… data indicating the role of early ontogenesis in the formation of the ability to love. Thus, T. Reik emphasized that by showing love for the mother, the child demonstrates to her how to treat him, as if teaching her by example.
K.psh.n. L. Gozman, N. Azhgikhina "What is love as a kind of psychological reality?"

To characterize love A. Maslow in his work "Love and self-actualization" , introduces a category such as “ability”, and he separately distinguishes “ability to love” and “ability to be loved”. The absence of one of them makes it impossible for a person to find love.

Many authors saw the basis of the ability to love in the phylogeny of man as a herd creature, whose survival was possible only in cooperation with his own kind. The existence of the phylogenetic roots of love is beyond doubt.
K.pskh.n. L. Gozman "Psychology of emotional relationships". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Now let's take a closer look at emotions and feelings as a result of the relationship between a man and a woman.

The most clear separation of emotions and feelings is given by A.N. Leontiev. He notes that emotion ("emotion" in French. Excitement, excitement) has a situational character, i.e. expresses the evaluative attitude of the existing or possible in the future situation, as well as to their activities in the situation. Feeling, on the other hand, has a clearly expressed objective character, it is a stable (thoughtful, meaningful) emotional attitude.

Evolutionarily emotions are more ancient phenomena than feelings. With the development of reason and higher human needs, more complex human feelings were formed on the basis of the apparatus of emotions.

Emotions and feelings may not coincide and even contradict each other. For example, a deeply loved person can, in a certain situation, cause a transient emotion of displeasure and even anger.

Emotions are not always realized, but feelings, on the contrary, are understood with a certain plus or minus sign. Emotions are mostly associated with the area of the unconscious, and feelings are maximally represented in our consciousness. Emotions are short-term, and feelings are long-term, and reflect a stable attitude towards any specific objects.

Feelings are expressed through certain emotions, depending on the situation in which the object is, to which the person is feeling.

Thus, there is no strict correspondence between feelings and emotions. Here is a person who disagrees with this feeling, he unexpectedly told a funny anecdote, I laugh it is a pleasant emotion. The same emotion can express different feelings, and the same feeling can be expressed in different emotions. Without externally showing emotions, a person hides his feelings from others. For example, it is customary for Americans to smile in public places, no matter how bad the mood is - even if it is a good mine in case of a bad game. And the Russians have a bad, or rather anxious mood, especially in the morning - a sullen face, I saw a good man - a smile from ear to ear.

Feelings are rarely experienced in "pure" form. The mental state of a person at any moment can include several feelings.

Examples of feelings
- Sympathy - a stable positive attitude towards someone or something, manifested in friendliness, benevolence, encouraging communication, attention.

- Antipathy is a persistent negative attitude. When meeting on the street, it is more pleasant to pretend that you did not notice him because of active gazing at the window.

- Friendship is the shining embodiment of selective affection.

- Hostility is a hostile attitude towards someone with whom a person is in conflict. It is better to get around this type on the other side of the street. Strong feelings of hostility are referred to as hatred.

- Falling in love is a relatively stable (according to H. Fisher up to 30 months) emotional attitude, reflecting passionate attraction.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

- "Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It involves caring, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop. It is a manifestation of closeness between two human beings when subject to the preservation of the integrity of each of them". E. Fromm
In this version of E. Fromm's definition of love, it should be noted that love is not just a relationship, but a fruitful one. So, if feelings arose as a result of a non-fruitful relationship, this is not love.

Love is the most complete and noblest of all relationships and includes the best of all relationships: respect, admiration, passion, friendship, and intimacy.
E. Bern

True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.

Examples of emotions: anxiety, anger, annoyance, confusion, amazement, grief, despair, joy, boredom, anxiety, surprise, humiliation.

Therefore, love is a feeling , filled with positive emotions , although occasionally there are negative ones. Where can we go without them?

Ballet stars Ekaterina Maksimova and Vladimir Vasiliev have been happily married for over 45 years. Ekaterina: “Sometimes, at rehearsals or in the theater, we had very violent quarrels with him. Those who saw us flew out of the hall screaming were greatly surprised when we, as if nothing had happened, walked home together. They were sure that this was our last minute together".

To completely identify love with feelings would be disastrous for love itself, since feelings are too fickle. But the absence of warm and joyful feelings that support her fire will be just as fatal for love.
D. Powell

A distinctive feature of quarrels - negative emotions of loving people from quarrels in a couple experiencing conflict in love, formal relationships (even relatives, even industrial ones) are that in the first they do not leave emotional scars and do not accumulate in an evil memory, in the second, scars and overflowing with resentments lead to drama, breakup, worse to tragedy.

There are lower and higher feelings. The lower feelings include feelings associated with the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of certain physiological needs. For example, feelings associated with conditions such as hunger, thirst, satiety, nausea, etc.

Higher feelings arise on the basis of satisfaction or dissatisfaction of spiritual needs. Higher feelings have a pronounced social character and testify to a person's attitude to various aspects and phenomena of social life: moral, intellectual and aesthetic.

The lower feelings include libido - sexual hunger, lust, lust.

In L.N. Tolstoy admits that there were moments in his life when he wandered around the garden with "foggy eyes", wanting only one thing - to drag the maid or the cook into the bushes and take her roughly, like an animal.

The leaders of the cadet corps, in a paternal way, taking care of the health of the young men under their care, issued orders allowing senior cadets, after a medical examination, to visit a brothel above the middle category assigned to the school by platoon. The main rule of officer honor, which was instilled in the cadets in this regard, was never to visit such institutions "on credit" (second half of the 19th century).
I.A. Holosenko

Even the lust we feel for a woman is directed only towards the desire to get rid of the torment generated by ardent and violent desire; we only yearn to quench it and calm ourselves, free from this fever.
M. Montaigne

And love naturally belongs to higher feelings , whose task is to control and regulate both libido and other lower feelings.

One more characteristic of feelings can be distinguished: mature - immature. E. Fromm introduced the concept of "mature love" and others, gave explanations for a number of new characteristics of love:

Definition of love and its signs according to Fromm.

Falling in love is one of the forms of pseudo-love.

There is only one form of intimacy that does not hinder the development of the personality and does not cause contradictions and loss of energy - this is mature love; by this term I mean complete closeness between two people, each of whom retains complete independence and, in a sense, separation. Love truly does not cause conflict and does not lead to waste of energy, because it combines two deep human needs: intimacy and independence.
E. Fromm "The Crisis of Psychoanalysis".

In immature love, a subordinate appears, and a submissive one, a kind of dependence appears. And in mature love there is no such thing, respect, care, responsibility prevail there, "mature love is unity provided that it preserves its own integrity, its own individuality."

That is why what we call "first love" is the first love, the reaction of adolescents to the increasing hormonal activity.

"First love" is an important step in puberty. E. Pushkarev

According to our laws, you can get married from the age of 16, the majority comes at 18, and the ability to mature love is much later.

To the question: "When did you feel like an adult?" PN Gusev editor-in-chief and owner of the newspaper "Moskovsky Komsomolets": "When he got married for the third time."

Composer Maxim Dunaevsky 7th time in marriage. Naturally, all marriages are of great love. One of the marriages lasted several months. One of the marriages took place two weeks after they met. Having lived for more than ten years in his last marriage, he came to the conclusion that he could live quite successfully all his life with each of his previous wives, it is a pity that he did not know this yet.

But the singer Natalya Nurmukhamedova, when she divorced 9 times (all marriages were made for love), was at a loss: how next - to be with love? Personal maturity has come a long time ago, but not only is there no mature love, but it is not even clear what it is?

Pavel and Maxim not on the first try, but successfully passed the "amorous courses of a young fighter", but for Natalia, "mature love" turned out to be an overwhelming task.

Elizabeth Taylor has been married 8 times.
Spanish singer Gloria Lasso: married for the eleventh time. She announced to reporters that for her, marriage can last only as long as love can endure.
Dear ladies have confused love with falling in love, the duration of which, according to H. Fischer, is up to 30 months.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

Together with the concept of mature love, it is necessary to consider one more mental category - "value" , this is a level in the hierarchy of motives, needs, interests of a person, that is, the structure of priorities.

The value system changes with age. If in youth, appearance, beauty, sexual aspirations, charm with emotionality, novelty are in the first place. Then, with age, deep character traits are of greater importance, manifested through compatibility with their own traits. That is why the greatest peak in divorce occurs in the 3rd or 4th year of marriage. What was initially perceived by the young spouses as love for life, after being tested "at close range" turned out to be an early fall in love.

Sociologist, professor Anatoly Antonov, head of the Department of Family Sociology at Moscow State University, back in the 60s became interested in the study of love through the category of values. As a result of surveys of thousands of family people, he came to the conclusion: when both spouses put the other's assessment above self-esteem, this is the ideal version of love.

The same sign of love E. Fromm not only singled out, but: "The most essential thing in love is the willingness to put the Other higher than himself, but not primitively, lowering his self-esteem, but globally, at the spiritual level, at the level of essence." ...

I would especially emphasize that a person evaluating his feeling, through the assessment of another person puts him above himself - his previous hobbies and priorities, not as an act of altruism, self-sacrifice or admiration, but through comprehension and awareness of the formed reality. It is with such an arrangement of values that a person experiences the greatest spiritual comfort. At the same time, a person does not abandon his own self, self-development, self-affirmation, but realizes this through a new scale of values, which further increases his abilities and achievements.

The Club receives letters of the following content: "I am married, but I fell in love with a young man ... what to do?" We have to explain the origin of emotional storms and inclinations from the point of view of life values: youth and falling in love are fast-passing, and maturity and love are until the end of the century. To acquaint with examples from other letters: "I left my husband for a lover, now I regret ... what to do?" The options are different.

Therefore, it is important not to confuse love with passion. Although passion is also a feeling, but it is rather one of the antipodes of love.

... love is an activity, not a passion that has seized someone, and not an affect that has captured someone. E. Fromm

Love should be measured not as young people measure it, that is, by the strength of passion, but by its fidelity and strength.
Mark Tullius Cicero

Rampant love must be feared as much as hate. When love is strong, it is always clear and calm.
G. Toro

Passion is either:
The initial stage of ordinary love Various feelings of love and love. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - eros. E. Pushkarev

To completely identify love with feelings would be disastrous for love itself, since feelings are too fickle. But the absence of warm and joyful feelings that support her fire will be just as fatal for love.
D. Powell

In addition to the fact that love is a feeling, it refers to another mental phenomenon - "state" - this is an integral characteristic of mental activity for a certain period of time, showing the originality of the course of mental processes depending on from the reflected objects and phenomena of reality, the previous "state" and mental properties of the individual. "State" is a product of the inclusion of subjects in any kind of activity, functioning, during which they are transformed, while exerting a mutual influence on each other, and as a result on the success of their own activities. Consideration of love as a "mental emotional state" is necessary for the full understanding and knowledge of all its facets.

Let's highlight the main characteristics of love as an "emotional state":

- duration - until the end of the century.

Lydia Nikolaevna, the widow of Mikhail Isayevich Tanich: “Misha was practically dying in my arms. His last words were: "You and I are not overjoyed." I consider myself the happiest person on earth because I had 52 years of a happy family life. And now I have a bright memory".

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

- the nature of the influence on the personality is not only sthenic (activation of the development of abilities, inclinations and all life activity), but also harmonizing.

Duality is a vital necessity. A. Grechinsky, T. Pedan.

From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony.

Love is an endogenous doping, which was created by nature itself, which means that it can be taken indefinitely. Due to what a person becomes the best himself.

Gennady Khazanov and Zlata Elbaum have been married for over 40 years, they have raised their daughter Alice, and now they are helping to raise their grandchildren. Gennady: “We are both leaders, independent individuals. Zlata helped me not to turn off the creative path. She helped me develop as an artist, and not become a highly paid artisan, many talented artists retrained as artisans. Zlata and I were created for each other, we blossomed next to each other, fully revealed our potentials ”.

Examples of true love.

To love means to see a person as God intended him to be.
F.M. Dostoevsky

And Marina Tsvetaeva added:
"To love is to see a person the way God intended him, and his parents did not fulfill him."

- the greatest depth of personal involvement in interaction.

Zeke Rubin (1973, University of Michigan) in his research identified three key components of love:

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Affection is defined as the desire for the physical presence of a loved one and the willingness to receive - to show emotional support.

Caring is anxiety and actions to ensure the well-being of another.

Intimacy, close, trusting relationship with a person, when each in a pair not only without fear shares with the other his experiences, thoughts, ideas, but also with confidence to be understood and supported.

- degree of awareness. If at the initial stage the states are more conscious, there is a comprehension, getting used to new qualitative changes, then later this fades into the background (in the autopilot mode).

Garik Sukachev: "I have a feeling that I was born married. I have been married for over 30 years, and so successfully that the problems of mistresses, fans simply do not exist for me. When I met Olga, she was 14 years old. 16. For 8 years we were friends until relatives told me: "Oh, isn't it time for you to get married," we got married. We have a son, a good guy, a daughter is growing. For me, a wife is like the sun, air, water , bread is a natural and necessary phenomenon. Have you ever thought whether the sun will rise tomorrow or not? I never think about love, it's just like a well-fed person never thinks about food. I have a favorite song about Olga when I I sing, I always have a tear".

More details: Garik and Olga Sukachev

… a person, having satisfied his basic need, be it the need for love, security or self-respect, is deprived of it. ... it faded away.
A. Maslow

In A. Maslow's pyramid "Hierarchy of Needs" love has a corresponding place in human needs, and love is not at its top.
Deficient love and love of life A. Maslow. R. Frager, D. Fademan

Poet Boris Slutsker before the tragedy in his life did not write any poems about love. But when his wife Tatyana died, he wrote more than 400 love poems. During Tatyana's life, his love did not bother him because he had it, and he felt the full magnitude, the significance of love only when he lost this love.

When the other goes to the grave, then one of us will understand the merciless love strength - in that terrible hour, the last hour!
D. Merezhkovsky

Therefore, love is both an "attitude" and "ability" and "a fruitful relationship to the other and to oneself", and "feeling" and "value" and "emotional state", it is a complex multicomponent emotional education, which is not limited to dry psychological formulations. But one cannot do without them in those huge rubble that have been created as a result of centuries of uncontrolled "poetic freedom" (Freud).


This is a page from the section The Psychology of Love

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

"Romantic love": aspects, analysis and consequences. E. Pushkarev

Harmonious relationships, from sympathy to love. E. Gavrilova

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Sexual compatibility of socionic psychotypes

Classification of psychosexual types.

Riddles of sexual compatibility. V.V. Meged.

Sigmund Freud about love.

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." nearly 1800 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article:

Evgeny Ilyin "Eotia and Feelings"

P.V. Simonov "Emotional Brain"

and others

Эрих Фромм

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми