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Different feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev

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About "What is love" , " Falling in love ", " Poor quality falling in love " has already been written in detail.
"How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-love" and what will happen "If the confusion of love with pseudo-lovers is eliminated" there is information, so they contain all explanations and comments, and here are briefly outlined the differences between them.

"Daughter of great knowledge", called love
Leonardo da Vinci

Let's divide: cutlets separately, flies separately.
Russian President V.V. Putin.

Throughout all the previous centuries to our days, there is a stable stereotype of the development of love relationships: first, an exciting falling in love arises, which gradually develops into love. And if love has not developed into something serious, it means “love has passed,” this is how it is not permanent, and therefore mysterious. Moreover, when describing the same feeling, both the term "falling in love" and the term "love" could be used.

... falling in love, love and passion, which are elements of the same synonymous series.
K.filol.n S.V. Valiulina

And this means that all native speakers of the Russian language at the mental, everyday level confuse love with falling in love, as well as with other pseudo-loving states. But on the cognitive level, the question "is love different from falling in love?" will answer in the affirmative and provide arguments.

So Internet search engines practically do not distinguish between them, for them the main thing is not truth and correctness, but the maximum satisfaction of users. And if love grew into passion, even a dramatic, even tragic, again everything was attributed to the omnipotence or mysteriousness of love.

The ancient Greeks used the verb "erasthenai" to fall in love. Single-root with "eros" - eros, which denotes not so much the predominance of lofty feelings, as the desire for sexual consolation of each other.

And in the New Testament the word "falling in love" is not mentioned.

And when devices began to be used to study these emotional feelings, a wide variety of equipment for biochemical studies turned out that love and being in love are not just different feelings, but generally have nothing to do with each other. They even have different periods of evolutionary origin and formation.
Igor and Alla Ugolnikov
And if someone gives an example, that Igor and Alla had a bright, stormy love, beautiful courtship, gifts of flowers, and now, for several decades now, true love, a happy family. This is where the confusion lies that for thousands of years, due to the lack of the necessary instruments, it was not possible to unravel. For Igor and Alla, it all began with a violent love, and as it should be, it ended, outlived its usefulness. And regardless of this love, love was born, developed, strengthened. Moreover, even if Igor Ugolnikov and Alla cooperated on some production, party, neighborhood affairs, they all equally, the development of relations went according to the scenario of true love because they have a favorable psychotypic compatibility.

Therefore, for every love that ends in love, there are many examples when it ends with cooling and disappointment. Moreover, the most interesting thing is that all this can be determined before falling in love was born.

More From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love and love have a different nature, origin, development and the final result, and the fact that in some cases they intersect is an accident, not a pattern. It is a regularity that most falls in love end, at best, with alienation. As a result, the number of divorces has been steadily growing since 1945 with short interruptions.

Knowing statistics on falling in love and love " Family statistics ":

- the average Russian experiences at least 7 loves in his life;

- according to the Corresponding Member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, psychotherapist M.E. Litvak, the overwhelming majority have never experienced inter-sex individual love, which did not prevent them from experiencing other forms of love: parental, brotherly, their children, etc.

It turns out that there is 1 love for 1600 in love.

It's been a long time ago
It's not because we are not gods
We are all destined to fall in love
But love is not given to many

And learning to distinguish love from a variety of loves is not so difficult:

If to eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-lovers. E. Pushkarev

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

Differences between love and being in love.


The non-distinction of love and being in love , which is characteristic of mass culture, leads to a massive cognitive conflict, in which one says one thing and means something quite different.
K. philological sciences. T.A. Grigorieva

Content tags.

According to Plato, this is the desire to restore the divided single essence, this is "the thirst for integrity and the desire for it." At the same time, there is a healing of the flaws of human nature and redress. The special power of love is in its role as a corrector of human nature, and in this capacity it makes a loving person more effective by improving the psychological structure of the personality.

Plato's ideal was love - friendship, the subordination of love to the common task of saving man, highlighting not sensuality and pleasures, but spiritual work. Doctor of Philosophy V.M. Rozin

It turns out that love for Socrates and Plato is only a spiritual matter - friendship, personal development, striving for good and immortality. Doctor of Philosophy V.M. Rozin

I am sure that the whole in love is not sexual attraction, bodily pleasure, communication or family, but a person (the subject of love is a person), therefore everything listed in love is transformed and established in a new way. Doctor of Philosophy V.M. Rozin

The same idea was expressed in his own way by another Doctor of Philosophy. L.V. Zharov: “Love, in essence, does not need bodily contact. Moreover, the body is often the main obstacle to love, especially in its physiological manifestations. For love, it would be better to have an ethereal, angelic body, or what people should find in paradise".

V.S. also wrote about this. Solovyov, that sexual love in humans does not serve the purposes of reproduction and the solution of historical problems. The meaning of sexual love is individuality itself.

After such statements, we can safely say: love is a purely psychological phenomenon, and falling in love is a psychophysiological phenomenon. But lust (potos other gr.) Pure biology.

According to Fromm, this is "a fruitful relationship to others and to oneself", care, responsibility, respect, knowledge;

According to K. Jung "it is designated as perfect harmony and is assessed as great happiness (" one heart and one soul ")"

According to Z. Rubin, this is affection, intimacy - trust, care;

According to E. Pushkarev is a “harmonizing, psychostimulating, meaning-forming state”.

It arose in the course of evolution to provide a temporary bond of a pair to facilitate the conception of offspring and their feeding for the first few months or years of life. It is characterized by hyperactivity of all mental, physical and even extrasensory spheres of life. But the main driver is the activity of reproductive functions.

In an interview with Irina Allegrova, where she stands next to her taller grandson. She says that she would like to fall in love, as it once was in her life, as it happens in her wonderful songs. The delusion in which she is a consequence of the fact that she does not know natural, natural roots and the essence of love, and < A href = "http://www.lyubi.ru/psy30.2.php" target = _blank> love. Love of all ages is submissive, but love is not all.

Neurochemistry and tomography

Oxytocin and vasopressin are of decisive importance. It is they who regulate family and social relations in both humans and animals.

Neuroscientists define falling in love as "a dopaminergic goal-setting motivation for the formation of paired bonds for the reproduction of offspring."

At the first stage, testosterone and estrogen manifest themselves (the instigators). Then neurotransmitters gain activity: dopamine, phenylethylamine, serotonin, oxytocin.

A number of psychoactive substances, both in love and in love, are the same,

In 2009, scientists at the Stony Brook Institute (New York, USA) summed up the scientific basis for the existence of "eternal love": they came to the conclusion that the level of dopamine (the hormone of pleasure in life) is the same in old-timers of love and in lovers.

but the intensity of synthesis, composition, grouping with other components are different, as well as different at different stages of falling in love.

In addition to increased synthesis of psychoactive substances, which causes love intoxication , the composition and amount of sweat changes, the content of immunoglobulin, erythrocytes, etc. increases.

A romantic love feeling consists of several components: psychological, physiological, somato-vegetative and others. Most of these components can be measured fairly accurately with modern methods ...
Psychotherapist, sexologist Ph. D. Sci., Professor A.M. Poleev.

The chemistry of love. Components of attraction, infatuation, affection, and separation. D. Amen

“Lust - a passionate desire for sexual satisfaction is associated mainly with the hormone testosterone: in both men and women. Romantic love - with the natural stimulant dopamine and possibly norepinephrine and serotonin. And the feeling of affection between a man and a woman is generated mainly by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. … Each of these basic drives travels in the brain along different paths. Each generates different behaviors, hopes and dreams. And each is associated with a different neurochemistry".
H. Fisher

"Romantic love in its beginning, I am a drug addiction ... It certainly has the main characteristics of drug addiction - just as it happens with drugs, when a person falls in love with someone, that person he needs more and more <...>. There are other coincidences with real addiction: personality changes, withdrawal syndrome".
H. Fisher

In pop song language, it sounds like this:
Oh my God, mom, mom, I'm going crazy
Her smile, mother, her head is spinning
Oh my God, mom, mom, drunk without wine
Her smile, mom-ah-ah ...
E. Creed "Most, most"

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Magnetic resonance imaging of the lovers' brain revealed its center, which is located in the ventral tegmental region - the deepest, inner region of the brain, which directly passes into the spinal cord.

active areas of the brain of loving people Neuroscientists from the United States and Switzerland have summarized the results of six studies of the phenomenon of love using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). The authors concluded that love is not just a “basic emotion,” but a complex phenomenon associated with the activity of many parts of the brain responsible for various mental functions: feelings of pleasure, formation of attachments, motivation for purposeful behavior, social cognition, and self-image. The areas of the brain associated with passionate love and maternal love overlap, but still have their own specifics.
Tomography of love.

A person does not have an innate gift to distinguish love from falling in love, which is convincingly confirmed by the sad statistics of divorce, but with the help of neurochemistry, tomography, test on the love of Z. Rubin it can be done.

Psycho-emotional manifestations.

Only positive and good, like friendship, kindness, conscience, compassion, mercy. Disagreements, quarrels happen and are even obligatory, but they do not leave spiritual scars, but on the contrary allow you to rise to a higher level of trust, agreement, and mutual understanding. The adage "darlings scold, only amuse themselves" is true for a loving couple, but for lovers, a quarrel is another crack in the relationship, which accelerates the approach of the inevitable split and alienation.

Falling in love does not mean to love. You can fall in love and hate, but love and hate is impossible.
F. M. Dostoevsky.

Love is the homeland of the soul ...
N. V. Gogol

Not only the general rise of all spheres of life, but also intolerably pleasant, transcendental, mystical - the so-called. falling in love , divine sensations of "unearthly joy", psychic manifestations: " clairvoyance "and telepathy this and" obviously on the verge of insanity, my heart is like a crater of Vesuvius, I seem to go into hysteria , I rush from coast to coast "," die, go crazy from separation, pain and melancholy ", inadequate disagreements and actions, and their consequences are unpredictable and most difficult. According to expert estimates, more than 40% of suicides are committed due to inability to resolve amorous problems.

Love:

By the way, when it comes to love, we must immediately make a reservation that love is seeing, not blind.
Corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M. Litvak

Healthy and addictive love. M. Litvak

Falling in love:

Love is blind and deprives us of our eyes.
I do not see what I see clearly.
I saw beauty, but every time
I could not understand what was bad, what was beautiful.
W. Shakespeare

Sayings about love. Whom to believe?

To designate this phenomenon, they even came up with a scientific term - "vision aberration".

It can be recalled that in English (French, Italian, etc.) there is no word for love, so they all call it love, initially doomed to confusion.

What is love? This is the consciousness of one's own weakness, which soon completely takes over the lonely person; at the same time it is a feeling of loss of power over oneself: I consider love harmful both for the whole society and for the personal happiness of a person, that it does more harm than it gives joy. And really, the gods would do a true benefit to mankind if they would free the world from her.
Napoleon

Partner engagement.

Love is only mutual.

Falling in love can be without reciprocity

Start.

Love at first sight, there is no touch. First, the emergence, then development, after the restructuring of the psyche under a new positive reality, there is an activation and flowering of all the potentials of partners.

Falling in love at first sight, touch happens often ...

Love is seen here as more than just emotional state is the highest form of intimacy between people, a spiritual act, aimed at the essence of another person. Based on this understanding, one can conclude that love is a deep experience that arises in the process of long-term interaction of partners, their study and subsequent acceptance by the personality of another person in all its diversity. Of such kind feeling can only arise over time in the relationship and not has nothing to do with the euphoric feeling of falling in love at the initial stages of a relationship under the influence of hormonal and neurophysiological processes in the body, described many times in the framework of various biological research.
V. Frankl

V. Frankl about love. M.E. Litvak

Sex drive (libido, lust).

Sex for love has no natural, evolutionary relationship, their connection is conditioned by cultural norms. For the first time, the Roman poets Ovid and Horace began to write about fidelity in love in the 1st century. BC.

Love and lust.

Sexual attraction is a trigger falling in love. girls, it is often mediated.

Dorothy Tennov on falling in love: “This is not love. It is an evolutionary force that attracts someone who becomes more important than everything else. This is often called love ... But this is not true love".

"If there is no sex drive, this is not real love"
Dorothy Tennov

Duration.

Since love is based on unchanging mental functions throughout life, then it lasts until the end of the century.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

Examples of true love.

Dorothy Tennov estimates that it lasts an average of two years.

Anthropology professor Helen Fisher believes that the maximum duration of falling in love is 30 months.

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Synonyms.

Harmony, blessing, mutual support, care, consent, sorrow (other Russian) , longevity, usefulness, comfort, confidence, perspective, safety, healthy offspring.

Energetic rise, in poetic language "a feast of all senses", obsessive thoughts about the beloved (s) and craving to see, feel the beloved (leg), distorted perception of reality (aberration), sexual attraction, mood swings

Philosophical interpretation of differences:

Love is based on the assertion of the “I” of the Other and the construction of a joint “We” -being, falling in love is based on the assertion of one's own “I”.
Falling in love can be defined as interest in the Other based on the need for sexual intimacy. Falling in love and love have a biological character, but love is transformed by morality through a connection with the ideal and rational, characterized in love by the awareness of feelings. Falling in love has moral characteristics only to the extent that the need for intimacy is actualized. Falling in love can take place not only as a prerequisite for sexual love, but also in a broader sense - as a short-term passion for a particular type of activity, person, idea. However, the fundamental difference between love and being in love is revealed in their interaction with the category of the ideal and moral values. Falling in love persists until there is an assessment of the conformity of the qualities of the object of falling in love with the moral ideal and values of the lover.
K.philos.n. K. Tarnovsky

The above are the differences between love and being in love, but what they have in common:

And love and falling in love as evolutionary signs that increase the ability of a species to survive arose long before the appearance of humans, and cultural norms and standards of amorous relationships arose about four and a half thousand years ago.

History of the culture of love feelings. E. Pushkarev

And from one era to another they change, and the psychophysiological laws of love and love of their development, currents remain the same at all times.

We are now living in an era of another change of amorous standards, romantic love is giving way to confluent love.

What is confluent love? V. Shapovalov

Intimacy transformation. Sexuality, love and eroticism in modern societies. A. Giddens

I would like to once again emphasize and refute the myth that falling in love is the first stage of love. I will use this technique. D.psh.n. E. Ilyin in his book "The Psychology of Love" writes:

“I will dwell on the categorical position of E. Pushkarev in relation to the differences between falling in love and love:“ What is an ingrained concept - first falling in love, which develops into love, turned out to be completely different <...> Love arises completely independently of whether I was in love or not, ”he said. This statement would be true if the author did not use the word “perfect”, but wrote “may be independent”. And the fact that you can fall in love several times and that falling in love may not turn into love does not deny the option that falling in love can turn into love."

True love cannot be born until love dies.
Gary Chapman "Five languages of love"

Because the "hormonal cocktail" dopamine, phenylethylamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, which causes intoxication in love is much more powerful, more euphoric than oxytocin and vasopressin, which cause and accompany love.

Falling in love cannot grow into love, since these are two evolutionarily conditioned and independent of one another complex processes. Rarely, but it happens that these processes are superimposed on one another. And in the few situations when there was love, and against its background love arose and developed, the following happened. Falling in love, following its own laws, arose, developed and reached its peak, and then came to naught. Regardless of falling in love, love arose and began to develop, for some time these two processes proceeded simultaneously, each according to its own laws in its own phase, in different brain centers, without any correlation. Falling in love, as it should, ended in the time allotted by evolution, and love, as a process independent of it, continued its development in other brain centers. Between these men and women, love might not have arisen, and love could have arisen and developed without her according to its own evolutionary laws.

This is just like there is an aviation corridor for the flight of liners, but there is a railway track for trains, these are the processes of movement occurring in different dimensions, according to different physical laws, controlled by different dispatch systems, they have different historical roots.

A colorful example that breaks the romantic standards that still dominate our culture, the emergence of love without falling in love.

Husband's story: “We had sex for the first time after two years of dating, or rather, cooperation. The work was connected with night shifts. In our free moments, we talked with each other, or rather, I spoke more, while sharing my sexual adventures and complaining that I could not make up my mind in any way. She listened with participation, but without any advice. But more often I talked about my plans for life, where the main thoughts were about a career, and the structure of family life was postponed "for later", there, by the age of 30 (then I was 23 years old, she was a little less). As a wife, she didn’t fit me for those views (a fool!), But for casual sex I respected her very much. She knew about my random girlfriends without me. We also met at dances, where I sometimes danced with her, did not go to see her off. Only once did I walk home, but I didn't even kiss, and I didn't even try. Once at her birthday party, but kissed her girlfriend.

Two years later, there was a fire in our institution. We put it out together. Of course, the firefighters were engaged in this, but the whole team helped. She and I were in the same team at that time and worked side by side. They went out into the street dirty, she lived closer and invited me to come to her and put myself in order. I went in, but I didn’t come out. We did not sign immediately. I was delighted with her. She was inexperienced, but, nevertheless, something extraordinary emanated from her body, when she gained experience, it became even better. All the sexy girlfriends stepped aside, but neither I nor she started talking about marriage. A year has passed. I went on vacation alone. I used to rush about in search of a sexual partner due to my sexual preoccupation. Now I somehow didn't need it. You could rest in peace.

Then I still did not understand that love came to me. I did not think about marriage with her. As an honest person, I should have separated or marry her, but I could not break up with her, since I could no longer be with anyone else. I also did not dare to marry, since it did not correspond to this role in a number of parameters that, from my point of view, should have been my wife (gender, age, education, social origin, property status, etc.). What nonsense it all is, and how many and what misfortunes it has brought! I don't want to pretend to be a saint. Yes, I had sexual episodes, but only on business trips. My relatives tried to marry me. But nothing good happened. I called my casual partners by her name. In the end, I realized that love came to me, and it overpowered. I am grateful to her for her endurance and patience. She changed the parameters that, in principle, could be changed in the direction I wanted. Well, age, nationality, social origin mean absolutely nothing to me now. Moreover, I became a true internationalist. How can you treat badly the people who raised such a woman. Now we have grown-up children and grandchildren. She is not younger, but it never occurs to me to look for someone else". M.E. Litvak "Sex in the family and at work." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

For the heroes of this plot, the impulse for the emergence of love was not joint duty, not dancing, and not even sex, but working side by side with additional stressful burdens. And falling in love for them, due to certain attitudes of the partner, turned out to be impossible, and love was possible.

In falling in love, prudence is banished; it plays an important role in love. In love, a person modifies, distorts real reality, adapting it to these relationships; in love, reality becomes an integral part of relationships, uplifting and strengthening them. Falling in love is essentially consonant with the psychology of the child, who in his childish striving for “omnipotence” wants to receive everything at once; love is the lot of mature people who are not afraid of time, but, on the contrary, take it into account". “In love, the limit is denied; in love, the limit is sought, recognized, accepted and exalted. Falling in love dominates over people experiencing it; those who walk the path of love together govern their love, not governed by it. Falling in love is superficial and is content with appearance; love draws strength from the depths of the partner's personality. Love is never superficial. Falling in love consists mainly of sensations; love also includes will.
V. Albisetti "Falling in love and love".

There are also romantic examples of the emergence of love without falling in love - "Angelica - the Marquis of the Angels". The beautiful Angelica is in love with a simple country boy Nicolas, but her ruined father, for economic reasons, marries her forcibly to the lame, terrible (outwardly) Count Geoffrey de Peyrac. The sight of Geoffrey disgusts Angelica, but his nobility, generosity, decency lead to the emergence of love. Similar plots in our "Scarlet Flower" in the American "Beauty and the Beast".

Love born of hatred, completely conquered by love, is stronger than that which was not preceded by hatred.
B. Spinoza

Falling in love and love are two bright psychological processes that are independent of one another and have only superficial similarities. Falling in love is different from love, just as superstition is different from faith, just as rain is different from a river, like graphite is different from diamond (both carbon), like fireworks are from blast furnaces.

Read the book" Love! Good or bad? Psychological dimensions ". Evgeny Pushkarev

In addition to love and falling in love, there are many meaningful, meaningful experiences and feelings, and our culture, without thinking too much, calls any interest between a man and a woman love.

A wave of warmth sweeps over you.
- This is not Love, this is Sympathy.
You don't close your eyes, you wait, you wait ...
- This is not Love, this is Anxiety.
Is it difficult for you to physically break away from each other?
- This is not Love, this is Lust.
You are proud of your partner.
- This is not Love, this is Reverence.
You want to always be with a partner.
- This is not Love, this is the Fear of loneliness.
You are with him / her, because it is necessary.
- This is not Love, this is Devotion
You do not leave him / her, just so as not to offend.
- This is not Love, this is Pity.
You and your partner for a single kiss.
- This is not Love, this is Emotional hunger.
You belong to a partner and you cannot do anything about it.
- This is not Love, this is Poor love is a mania .
You are with your partner again after the one hundred and first parting forever.
- This is not Love, this is Poor love.
You forgive your partner for all mistakes.
- This is not Love, this is Appreciation.
You are ready for any expenses to help out your partner.
- This is not Love, this is Mercy.
You are ready to sacrifice your life for your partner.
- This is not Love, this is Altruism.

When newlyweds say in polls that they marry for love, this is a big mistake for which they will pay dearly. The overwhelming majority of people marry out of love, some lucky people will have love due to circumstances beyond the control of falling in love, and for the majority, falling in love will come to naught. And in the same apartment, in the same bed, there are two people who are indifferent to each other, and all because our imperfect culture imposes this very scenario.

The confusion of love with falling in love happens not only with mere mortals, but also with outstanding minds. Denis Diderot, photo

French philosopher of the 18th century Denis Diderot. He was 29 years old when he met on the street with seamstress Anna Tuanette, who was 32 years old. He immediately followed her to find out where she lives. Anna and her mother kept a workshop, thus earning their living. Denis stopped by to meet Anna and ordered some shirts for himself. Denis was handsome, sociable, developed, he was popular with girls, quickly turned Anna's head. A whirlwind romance began, where there was a place for intimate relationships. He made an offer, Anna's mother set a condition - she agreed only after the blessing of her father.
At this time, Denis did not have a permanent income, and he could not independently support his family. He wrote articles, made translations, his first book was being prepared for publication, but the income from all this was small. Along with the blessing, the father also had to provide a monthly subsidy for the maintenance of the family. If Denis marries without the blessing of his father, he not only receives subsidies, but also loses his inheritance, and his father was a wealthy manufacturer.
After Denis asked for a blessing from his father, he not only did not bless him, but also put him in a psychiatric hospital. The father saw a different future for his son. Denis escaped from the psychiatric hospital, reached Paris, and when he told Anna and her mother about his adventures, she also refused a blessing.
Denis got sick, his friends told Anna about it, first she and then her mother began to look after him. After he recovered, they got married. They had a daughter. And up to this point, everything developed like a romantic story with a happy ending, but in life it turned out quite differently. Very soon Denis realized that Anna was not quite what he thought, he began to feel weary about her company. And soon he met his true love - Sofia Volan.
“Four years ago you seemed beautiful to me. Now I find you even more beautiful; such is the magical power of constancy - the most demanding and rare virtue, ”wrote Diderot Sophie Voland. For nearly thirty years he wrote her five hundred and fifty-three letters. In addition to letters to his beloved, with whom he could not connect, he wrote philosophical works, comedies, novels and articles in the "Encyclopedia", which became the greatest event in the mental life of Europe. The wife, like the rest of Paris, knew about this relationship, but she chose the path of non-interference - a formal family is better than none, she decided.
Balzac of Hanska, photo
Balzac's first "great love", which he called great, began at the age of 23 and lasted for about 10 years. His beloved woman, Laura de Verny, was 45 years old at the beginning of their love, a year more than his mother, and Balzac wrote about her much later: "Madame de Verny became for me a real deity. She was at the same time a mother, friend, family , friend, counselor; she created a writer. "It was "love from the bottom up," semi-male - half-childish, but it was deep and strong and extinguished only a few years before the death of Laura de Verny, when she was a 55-year-old woman, had already faded.
Balzac's second "great love" - to Eva Ganskaya, who lived in the Russian Empire, in Ukraine - also lasted for many years and was no less strange. Eve was married, they lived far from each other, and most of their romance proceeded in letters.

You alone can make me happy, Eve. I am on my knees before you, my heart belongs to you. Kill me with one blow, but don't make me suffer! I love you with all the strength of my soul, do not make me part with these beautiful hopes!
From a letter from Balzac to Hanska

After the death of Eve's husband, Balzac behaved a little strange. Instead of immediately throwing himself into the arms of his beloved woman, he was preparing for a long time, but one or the other reasons prevented him from going. At this time, Balzac's health deteriorates in a strange way, to such an extent that he practically can no longer walk. And now, when the trip to such a beloved woman is no longer decent to postpone, he comes to Eve, who is practically not a walking invalid. And soon after the wedding, Balzac dies.

Ivan Krylov,
Ivan Andreevich Krylov, a great Russian fabulist, was born in 1766 in the family of an officer. His father died early and already at the age of 9 Vanya was forced to go to work as a clerk in the magistracy. His writing talent manifested itself early, at the age of 14 he wrote his first play.
At 24, he spent the whole summer visiting friends in the village. In the house of which the orphaned relative Anyuta, the granddaughter of Lomonosov, was brought up. Anyuta and Ivan walk a lot in the picturesque surroundings, a romance arises between them. Ivan writes many love poems dedicated to the beautiful Anyuta. At the end of the summer, Ivan confesses his love to Anyuta, she reciprocates him. But when he officially got married, Anyuta's uncle refused him, so Ivan was poor and without birth.
Ivan immediately leaves for Moscow and enters the service. Anyuta's feeling for Ivan was so strong that after such a dramatic denouement, she begins to hurt, to lose weight. An uncle, concerned about the health of his niece, writes a letter to the capital that he changes his mind about Ivan's matchmaking and agrees to their marriage with Anyuta. In response, Ivan writes a strange letter in which he asks that his uncle bring Anyuta to Moscow himself, since he has financial problems. Anyuta's relatives were so offended by Krylov's answer that they stopped correspondence with him.
Ivan, dissatisfied with his financial situation, becomes a member of an organized criminal group that goes on tour throughout Russia. After 12 years, and not enriching himself with the criminal trade, he again returns to his favorite writing activity, is engaged in journalism.
Impressed by his love for Anyuta, Krylov writes poetry, but does his best not to meet her. Many suitors wooed the beautiful Anyuta, but she never married and lived a long life, up to 86 years. Ivan Andreevich also never married and died at the age of 76, becoming a famous fabulist.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

The difficulties with the confusion of love with falling in love is described in letters to the Club.

Hello.
I really need help. I alone will not survive what is happening to me. I don't even know what it is. Life is a burden to me. Very hard. It seems to me that I am one big mistake of nature. That I shouldn't be here. I want to disappear. You see, I have lost at least some, the last insignificantly small faith in all people. I don’t understand why people feel happiness in order to lose it forever? Each time, after each betrayal, I become more and more indifferent to everything. And I have an emptiness inside. Which you can't fill with anything.
I am very afraid to live like that. I don't want to feel this emptiness all my life. I do not have a loved one next to me who would understand me. And I accepted who I am. I know you will think that this is the most common feeling of people who have parted with a loved one. But a year has passed. This is the only person to whom I confessed my love, who loved me as much as I loved him. I felt it. He was the closest person to me (of course, not counting mom and dad), but that's not what I mean. After all, I cannot live with my parents all my life. I need a person to whom I can entrust everything that happens to me. He was that kind of person to me.
I no longer get killed as I did in the first days after parting, and I do not say that I will do anything to myself. I just can't believe until now that he made such a decision that he turned away, betrayed. HE is the dearest person, my soul mate. I have already come to terms with the fact that we will not be together. But I cannot let him go from my thoughts. I am afraid more than anything else that someday in the future (when I may already have a husband and children) I will meet him, and my life will be destroyed from the memory of these feelings, the strongest, brightest and most sincere. From the fact that at that moment I will not have, that is, these feelings for the person with whom I will be at that moment.
Nobody interests me, you say it temporarily, until love passes. But I am no longer small, I am 20 years old and I do not suffer from unrequited love. I just don't want to ever feel these feelings with anyone else again. I think if he wanted to return, then I would forgive him. I know that they pay attention to me, that they want to communicate with me more closely, but I don’t want that. I seem to feel that I belong only to him. Time will pass, perhaps I will start dating someone, but I will not love this “someone”. I already know that such love, which I had, happens only once in a lifetime. Therefore, there is emptiness inside and I don't care what happens to me. All the same, because I have lost the very last faith in my life. Therefore I am afraid. I'm afraid of my life. Empty.
The only question that torments me, but to which there is no answer - people feel unearthly happiness, lose it, and then live like a gray mass. And no one cares about each other. Every man for himself. Why is that? Why is happiness necessary? Who invented it? Who invented this tale, which is being mercilessly taken away. And they are left in unbearable loneliness (despite the fact that there are so many people around, close and not very).
I don't know why I wrote this letter. And, most likely, you will not answer me. But I just don't know where else to look for answers. If you can, HELP.
Ale

quarrel

Hello, I have been reading your newsletter for a long time, but now I wanted to express myself. I met a guy for 4 years: after 1.5 years he lost interest in me: in principle, the communication was good. Now I understand falling in love has passed. But if you dig deeper, I suffered: I didn't want to notice and understand that he stopped appreciating me, loving me: no confessions at all and gifts only on holidays: There were partings, but I always wanted to return: As a result, 4 wasted years, which I just deleted from my life. There is nothing worse than being with a person who does not need you mentally. No matter how wonderful this person was! It is not worth the suffering and worry. I also realized that love is not in another person, it is in you !!! And you will feel it when you meet a new girl. All feelings will rush in the same strong and bright stream. It's just that YOU know how to love, and she is not so cool. When parting, people tend to idealize their ex-partner, but this is a natural reaction of the psyche to change: this is just how the habit passes. We are so arranged. Everything that is done, everything is for the best! Dimetra

Hello. My name is Artem, I am 21 years old, I live in Moscow. For 2.5 years I met a girl (20 years old), of course there were quarrels and even a couple of times parting, but solely on my initiative (I thought that she would be better off without me). She always said that she loved me, and I could no longer imagine my future life without her. We were frank with each other. In terms of sex, everything seemed to be okay: at least 3 times a week or more. There have not even been minor fights over the past few months. In early July, she and her cousin and sister flew to Spain on vacation for 3 weeks, I could not fly with her due to force majeure circumstances. Everything was wonderful: the day before her departure, we spent the whole day together, talking about how we will miss each other. During her stay in Spain, they communicated by SMS every day, nothing foreshadowed a thunderstorm. It all started after she returned: she wrote that she didn’t know what was wrong with her, but for now she didn’t want to see me and communicate with me. All the same, we met and talked, but this did not bring clarity. We agreed that we will stay apart for about a month. I tried not to pester her with questions, and communicated in general as friends, but recently she wrote the following: "I don't want to be together, I probably fell out of love, I'm sorry:"
Before that I wrote that she thinks of me every day, but she can't help herself. There was never anything like this with her, I didn’t even think that someday she would say something like that. We agreed to meet on August 25 (she has now gone to her grandmother's) to discuss everything. I don’t understand what’s happening to her, and I don’t want to lose her, I don’t know what she’s going to tell me on August 25, but I’m preparing for the worst. The version that she found another is very unlikely, since she would not have stalled for time and would not have asked to stay apart for some time. I tried to analyze the situation myself and understand what was happening to her, and here are my thoughts: as I wrote, it all started right after her arrival, she talked a lot about how good it was in Spain and that she really wants to return there. Since she had never been abroad before, I thought that her behavior was associated with a kind of acclimatization, when a person, after a long rest, returns to his homeland, where everything is ordinary, familiar and I apologize to rot, and at the same time there is an involuntary rejection of those relationships that were before. I am writing this because something similar happened to me after the rest, but with some sixth sense I understood that it would pass and it was so. If my assumptions are not correct, then please tell me what is happening to her and how I should behave. For the third week I can't find a place for myself: Artem

Hello. My name is Svetlana and I am 16 years old. I never wrote to your mailing list, but I decided to write. My problem is that I have a boyfriend whom I have been dating for almost a year, he is 21 years old.
Due to some circumstances, for a long time, despite his courtship, I did not agree to be with him. Then I broke down. As far as I know, before me he had girls of the same age as him, he simply did not recognize him when he was younger, but he says how he met me, he was drawn to me like, to no one and never. In general, he says that he loves me madly and wants to be with me FOREVER. I am the first girl he brought to his house and introduced to his parents. I have it first in terms of sex.
Everyone says idyll, many are jealous ... He also says that it is time for him to think about creating a family. His parents are simply sure that it will be me who will give them grandchildren. But I feel like I'm not ready for all this yet. I get goosebumps from all this ... I often have questions. Do I love him?
Am I ready to connect my life with him, and even forever?
He claims to be ready. And I often began to think that it was time to leave ...
Can you please tell me what to do...
Maybe I'm just afraid of what awaits me?

Hello! I have a loved one, but we have not understood each other for a long time !!! When I start asking what happened, or let's figure out what our problem is, he replies - think for yourself, analyze yourself. When I ask, help me, figure it out, help !!! - he evades the answer. We cannot make any decision at all, but we can forget about a compromise at all, since we simply do not have it !!! But when I ask, do you love me, he answers - YES. Please help how to be? What to do? I don’t want to lose it !!! He is very dear to me!!! Thank you in advance! Liana

Hello. It hurts me a lot now: Two weeks ago my loved one left me ... For half a year of our relationship, we parted 3 times on his initiative. At first we were friends, and then friendship turned into friendship + sex. Before me, he had had sex for 1.5 years with a girl 2 years older. She was from an orphanage. To our mutual friend, he said: "I dispersed all my women. I have feelings for her. We need to either meet or part in a normal way." He avoided me for two weeks. He broke up with his sex-friend. But we did not have the official status of a couple, although all friends knew that we were together. I was offended by his behavior - the uncertainty in the relationship. But I was kept by the fact that he helped me a lot, cared about - he bought me a computer, a phone. I stayed overnight at his house. In contact, he put the marital status "everything is complicated."
A month has passed. There was one very unpleasant incident on my friend's DR. All evening he talked with his girlfriend (married, has a child). He practically did not approach me. And then he generally left "to see her off," because she was too late to go alone (she was driving her car). And I stayed. A friend drove me home by car, some guys tried to pester us there ... Another month passed, and he again offered to part: "With all the girls with whom I had a relationship, I had a" click "at the beginning of the relationship. - falling in love. I can’t and don’t want to meet for something, if there is no “click.” Apparently, you are the kind of person that you didn’t have. We slept at the beginning of the relationship without flirting, without courtship. This is wrong. Like me I ran after every skirt, and I run, as I wanted everyone sexually, and I want to. All friends think that we are together, but this is not so. Remember the DR of our friend. I really like you. You are the closest to me, the most dear person after my relatives. Know that you always have me".
We didn't talk for another two weeks. Friends said he was scared of the relationship. And then he introduced me to his parents. Gave the keys to his apartment. We practically lived together. We finally became an official couple. Friends were happy for us, for me, that I still waited for the moment when we began to meet. He was jealous. Helped find a job when I quit my job. I was happy for another 2 months. I wanted to introduce him to my grandmother. He did not refuse, but he did not come to her either. I called him several times. He really offended me with this ... Recently, our last conversation took place: "I do not love you. Why this relationship? Why live together if I do not love you. I think that you should live together only if you get married. relationship, what did you want - What do you want? - What I want, I don't know: - Why did you give me the keys to your apartment a month ago? - I wanted to try a relationship with you. Tired of leaving the keys under the rug. But I feel very comfortable and good with you "Why are you leaving then?" girl and bring her to the company. My internal search did not go anywhere, but had to go. I don’t understand how it happened that the relationship began for the third time, because I seemed to explain everything to you then at the entrance". I handed over the keys and took my things the same day and left.
Then in contact I wrote messages under the subject "everything is complicated": "Forgive me - For what? - For being such a person - What do you want from me? - Patience." I wrote him a letter. I pointed out to him his mistakes in past relationships - "you take me as a little kitten in your pissing" - he told me later. She pointed out his incompetence in matters of love. That he doubted me for too long, that he is afraid of relationships, attachment to a person and runs away when feelings arise. Due to the fact that we are in a common company, our relationship was in plain sight. Many did not like the way he behaved on his friend's DR, the fact that he never met my grandmother - this is very important for me, all my friends are familiar with her. He said that I took out "dirty linen in public", that he did not like that he was "brought up" by everyone. I blame myself for my last two mistakes especially. It seems to me that if I had not made these two mistakes, he would have returned to me. Help me to understand. AVA

couple

Hello Evgeny!
I have already contacted you for advice and your advice helped me. Thank you very much! Now I have a difficult situation in my life again. For more than a year I have been dating a very good person, everything is fine and calm, although at times boring, he loves me, does everything for me that I want, but I have no love for him, and never had. I told him about this at the very beginning of our relationship, to which he said that I do not know him yet, and when I find out, I can and love, so that I give him a chance to prove myself, which I did.
And a month ago I started a whirlwind romance, I fell in love like a girl, and this is really my man, and it seems that it is mutual. So far, it has turned out to meet in parallel with two, but all the same, sooner or later, I will have to choose, because emotionally it is very difficult for me. Intellectually understand that it is better and safer to be with the first, but the heart and all other parts of the body already belong to the other.
So that's it. My question is this: how to competently part with your fan in order to offend him as little as possible? The matter is complicated by the fact that 2 of his previous women cheated on him and went to other men. He was very worried about it, and I would not want it to be so because of me. Maybe take time out in a relationship?
Regards, Clear-eyed

Hello everyone! I can't live like this anymore, it's a real torture !!! Not only can I not understand myself, but now also in my relationships !!! People, save me !!! I have been married for three years, and for the last year I also started a relationship, which is called on the side. At first I thought it was just another affair, just so as not to lose experience! But all this spun so much that she herself did not notice how she fell head over heels in love !!! Like a girl !!! And this is 30 years old !!!! He is also married, we rarely see each other, tk. he lives in another city! But this "abnormal" does not allow himself to be forgotten. He constantly calls, writes letters, sends huge bouquets of flowers !!!! In general, he is also going crazy !!! With my husband, my whole life went awry. I can neither eat, nor sleep, nor work, so as not to think about who is far away !!! And now that distant one says that I should leave my husband! And he does it very energetically! He rents an apartment for me, pays for it! In general, he does everything so as not to embarrass me with anything !!! But with all this, he is not going to leave the family ?? I am afraid that I will not resist him! In general, I got so confused that I can't do without help !!! I can't, people !!! Help at least with advice, at least with something !!!! I am lost and I do not know what to do !!!! Elsa

Hello.
I have such a short question. How do you know that you really love a girl, and this is not the usual feeling of her attractiveness for you? I hope I put it right.
Regards, Zonder

Hello Evgeny.
Your mailing list is good, it seems to me, very necessary and interesting, I learned a lot from it ... So I decided to ask for advice myself ... I'll tell my story ...
My boyfriend and I met three years ago, then we tried to date .... but it seemed to me that it was not mine. But after some time it turned out that we met with him. And I must say that from my point of view, he is very cute, well, and somehow it happened - a spark flared up ... a knot of relations began ...
We began to live with his parents, and for the first six months, as he himself said, everything was fine, but then my attitude towards him began to change for the worse ... Although I myself do not think so .... another six months passed ... he constantly told me that I did not value him as a person ... that he didn’t like almost everything that was possible in me ... that he didn’t want me at all ... All my attempts that something to do they crashed like on a rock ... he did not pay attention to the gifts: either he said that I was trying to fill in the gaps in the relationship with money (and this, it seems to me, makes him very jarring, because I earn alone the way he does his parents put together), or thought that it should be so ... at all my changes in appearance as a way to attract his attention, he was only indignant, and said that he did not like it ... I took him to the cinema, to a cafe , arranged nights of love ... did not respond to attacks and constant insults at me ... etc. But all the same, he didn't like my attitude towards him ... I no longer understood how I should behave so that he would like it ... despite the fact that I cannot leave ... I feel very bad without him ... I almost have some kind of dependence on him ... I cannot live without his touch ... his body is like a magnet for me ... I have analyzed many times and understood that this is what attracts me in the first place ... not sex itself, but touching my skin ...
But about a month ago, we had a fight again and parted ... but I could not restrain myself and called ... I arrived ... he said that he didn’t need anything ... he didn’t want anything ... doesn't like me and all that ... But a few days after the conversation, he wrote a text message ... he wanted me to come ... I agreed, he said that he missed ... and for the last month we are together again, I I try to behave in the best possible way towards him ... in principle, I myself do not see differences in my current behavior and in what it was two or three months ago, but now he is satisfied with this attitude, he says now that I am I treat him with great care and love ... all this is somehow strange, I don't understand what it was ... and suddenly the situation will repeat itself? ...
Tell me what could be the reason for this behavior ...
Thank you very much, Lyudmila.

Hello. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years and 9 months. Everything was fine, but for the last 3 months I feel some cold breeze blowing from him. We began to have sex less often, we communicate less often (we discuss something). He says he loves me, but I feel that something is wrong here. Or maybe the reason is in me? Can you please tell me what's going on? Thank you very much in advance. Olga

quarrel

Hello Evgeny!
I really need advice, I don't know how to behave anymore. The situation is this: I'm 19 years old, I'm dating a guy, he's 22. We've been together for over a year, for me it's a long time.
The first six months of relations were normal, but for more than six months there have been constant quarrels and resentments. Always makes me guilty of everything. In absolutely any situation, even when it is clear that he is 100% wrong. Previously, after quarrels, he at least always came up, a maximum of 2 days later. And for me, even 2 days is very painful, I cannot wait, for me it is much better to make up right away, and not be in the unknown. Therefore, she often came up herself. And then I noticed that in general I am always the first to go out into the world, I apologize, I call him, but he still may not pick up the phone. In general, for a little something, he always hangs up if it is a telephone conversation, or can calmly leave during a quarrel.
He spends less and less time with me, before we saw each other practically every day, and recently 1-2 times a week. He always finds excuses, then he just wants to relax, then he has business, then with a friend ... it doesn't suit me, even the weekends we now almost always spend separately. When I realized that only I was the first to go to reconciliation, I overpowered myself and after another quarrel I restrained myself and did not call. He did not call for 10 days, then he called, as if nothing had happened, without apologizing, offered to go on a visit together. After 2 days, another quarrel, again for a week, then again the same thing. And again a quarrel ... in the end, we see each other for 2 days and a quarrel. Or excuses ...
All fights over trifles, then we will agree, for example, that he will come for me at 6, time 8, he is not, I call, I ask:
- Where are you?
He responds:
- See you next time.
All this in an angry voice and hangs up. Then he does not call for several days ... at the same time, I spoke normally and did not even want to be offended.
He also has a profile on a dating site, I know that he calls them up, and he even met, corresponded with them via SMS.
He says to me that this is just friendly communication and nothing more, and is not going to stop this communication. However, at the beginning of our acquaintance, he insisted that I stop communicating even with my friends whom I knew before him. I gave in.
Please advise how I should behave, I don't know. Before, I made scandals, expressed everything, took offense. But in the end, I always remained guilty, and this did not change anything.
Then I stopped pronouncing everything, I thought maybe it would be possible to influence him this way, I thought I would fix it myself. That is, after a week of non-communication, when he called, I behaved too, as if everything was fine, without uttering anything, but after a couple of days everything was the same. This is also impossible and nothing changes either. The most correct way out is to leave, everyone tells me about it. But I can’t, I’m afraid, I guess.
Advise how to behave with him after quarrels, when he hangs up, when he does not come, if we agree. And when he writes by SMS from day to day:
"I'll have a friend after work today."
"I'll be at home today."
"You need to tinker with the computer" and so on.
Even when we are not in a quarrel, for all the days that we do not see each other, he will not even call even once. Thanks in advance, sorry what a long email. Natasha

Hello. My name is Nastya. I'm 24. I met with a foreigner from Europe for half a year. He is 26. We loved each other very much. Everything was like a fairy tale. We spent a week together a month and a bunch of sleepless nights and work breaks every day on the Internet, on the phone. We loved, respected and understood each other. These were the most precious days of our lives. All my friends tirelessly told me how happy I am, my mother was crying. We were going to get married. And they already considered themselves one small family, made plans for the rest of their lives ... etc, etc ...
I got a job in his country. I gave up everything in Russia. But we live in different cities. We met on weekends. But suddenly, unexpectedly, he changed. In the morning we agreed to go to Italy for Christmas, then sent off an SMS about how he loves me. Then - the first day in six months, silence. The telephone has an answering machine. He had a big deal in his business that day failed. A day later he showed up and called. But the conversation somehow did not go well for both, because I was at work, and he was somehow nervous. When, 2 days later, I came to him for the weekend, threw myself from the train into his arms as usual with a million joyful emotions and feelings, I felt cold. At home - the same picture. He went cold. I tried to find out what was the matter. He said he loved me, but he wasn't sure. How so!? I swore a million times, sometimes I thought that he would go crazy with love for me, constantly repeating to tears that he loved me.
I'm not naive, but .... We even slept apart this weekend. Although during the day everyone also held hands, walked and made plans for the future. When I left him, he did not take me a ticket for the next weekend. He said he would be busy and did not call or answer my texts all week. I was very worried. I endured. A week later, I sent him a postcard with the date and time when to meet me. When he received it, he called and asked what it was and why! What about leaving for another neighboring country for good. Shouted at me, said that we are different. I tried to restrain myself. She died quietly for a week. I didn't want to live. Tears flowed 24/7. Of course, words cannot convey the whole story. But he ignores me. Said I don't like him. He decided everything himself, did not talk to me. I do not believe that he has fallen out of love. Something else here. But I don’t understand how I should be. Yesterday I sent him an email, once again confessed her love. He replied that he went to a psychiatrist and asked not to bother him if I respect him a little. I do not understand anything. I never mocked him, did not throw tantrums, of course, I was not God's dandelion. But .... Yes, we argued, everything happened ... but everyone's not going smoothly.
You may be familiar with these situations. What was he scared of ...? Or what can I count on. I really need this person. I know that maybe he is wrong. He needs me. We were one family, although not for long and for a little ... What should I do with myself? It's been 3 weeks now, I have a lot of fans, I try to get everything out of my head, I go on dates ... but I can't forget him. Slept with another man - zero comments. I can't imagine anyone else with me except my little tiger cub. I cannot live without his love. Where does this hope come from that we will be together. I'm fine .. but .... I'm very, very hard without him. Without his love ... And now I do not believe that there are no irreplaceable people. I want to return it. I can leave him, because I love him. maybe it’s for the best ... but I don’t believe that we cannot do anything together. I want to fight for his love. How? Maybe I should go to a psychiatrist too ... Maybe I’ve lost my mind too ... Thanks in advance ...

Hello! I do not know what to do. My husband and I have lived a little over a year and a half, he is a year younger than me. He is fond of music, even if he does not know how to sing, but the soul sings, he follows it. We had rehearsals with the group once a week. Over time, I became jealous, because it seemed that this was more important to him than family. Plus, my husband has a lot of friends with whom he met before me, almost every day, and since we met, meetings have become rare, and this is the initiative of her husband. Over time, my husband began to say that he missed his friends, I suggested that they get together, but my husband did not want to go without me, and I don’t really like big and drunk companies. Conflicts arose, I was jealous of rehearsals, of the desire to communicate with other girls, because they are interesting for my husband as individuals. Over time, the conflicts became more, since my husband often answered my questions "I don't know how to formulate a thought", I tried to formulate for him, asked whether or not, he said I do not know.
I am pregnant now. For more than five months now. She told her husband about the desire to be with him more often, but he still rushed to rehearsals on the weekend. Once I felt bad, I was afraid to stay alone, asked him to stay with me for a day, he said no, I want to go to the rehearsal. As a result, one day my husband said that from now on he would do as he sees fit, without taking into account my opinion, and for so long tried, they say, to do as I ask. And he left for a booze with his musical group. I spent the night at a friend's house, fell asleep in an armchair, it seems like it's too lazy to get home. Their drummer slept on a bed in the same room. And the friend himself at the table. The rest found the strength and went home. When after that my husband came home, I offered to live separately for some time, since he began to behave this way, and there would have been less "showdown" on my part. He left. has been living at home for more than two weeks. He has friends every day. Accordingly, beer up to 2-3 hours. Conversations with me are only about music. Regarding the relationship, he says that now he does not feel anything for me. Tries to find, but finds nothing. He says that now he wants to be alone, does not want a relationship at all, neither with me, nor with anyone else. Moreover, the day before he left, he said that he loved, and as he claims now, he did not lie. When asked how love could disappear in one day, he says that it was as if they drew it out drop by drop, and in one day there was nothing to draw. When we meet now, he only talks about music, that he and the group are going to do this and that: About the relationship, he says that he doesn't care if I'm around or not. He will not leave the child, but he does not want to return yet, he does not want a relationship with anyone at all. And I love him very much, I am terribly worried, it seems that it is unbearable without him, I do not want to wake up: And I keep thinking how could his love disappear so abruptly. I still think that I couldn’t, she loves her, she’ll just walk a little bit and come back. But so far there are no steps to this on his part. Openly declares to me that he does not need me. Only because of the child helps in something. I feel very bad. I don't know what to do in the evenings. I only cry constantly, I miss him very much. I really want to return it. I still have a hope that she will suddenly get bored and come back. Once I didn’t decide anything. Yes, and I do not understand how love could disappear in one day. Maybe there is something left, but due to frequent scandals, it just hid somewhere deeper. In general, two weeks have passed, my husband still does not feel anything for me. How can I behave, pretend that I love him with everyone and that what he is doing now suits me? And in general, how can I return my husband's love and is it still worth hoping for something? Or really love can disappear in one moment, and hopes are meaningless: Katerina

Hello, dear psychologists! I have such a situation. My beloved and I have been together for almost 2 years. He works in another city and we see each other on weekends, he arrives on Friday and leaves on Monday. He is 28, men say at this time of the crisis. I do not know what to do. Our relationship has always been wonderful, but now I feel like he's drifting away. He wants to find his own business, although he earns normally, but he wants something of his own. We talked with him about marriage, both in a joking manner and seriously, but I heard it his "I'm not ready." I am studying, I still have 1 year to study.
He does not dream of a family, he has it in an indefinite future, when I say what you see in the future, he cannot answer me anything. He never makes plans with me. I try my best to keep our relationship alive, but is it supposed to be a joyful relationship? I'm tired of this uncertainty, it's hard for me to live without plans for the future. He probably doesn't want to take responsibility. I think I'm tired of him. How to be? Breake down? Don't call yourself or distance yourself altogether ?? I have time to decide how to behave, we will not see you until the New Year. It seems to me that he is trying to grow up, but something is stopping him. How can I help him? He seems to no longer want sex with me. I love him, but how can I tell if he loves me or is it already a habit? And is it worth waiting for him to decide or I'm just not his woman, since he doesn't want me to become his wife? Sorry for the confusion, it's very hard for me, please help me figure it out. Ksenia
Hello, I have such a problem: I dated a guy for almost a year (he is my first), everything was fine, he loved him, and I loved him, but because of my jealousy, I often had fights, I could sometimes offend, but he endured. .. but one day I found out that he was the place to go for a walk with me, went for a walk with his friends, my best friend ... I freaked out, called him, expressed everything, very much offending and insulting him, which I very much regretted ... He began to say that now he does not know whether he loves me, but still values me as a person, I cried every day, said that I loved him very much, and he was cold with me ... and on my birthday, he I called only at the end of the day, congratulated me, I asked if he loved me, he said no, but he cherishes it. We communicated with him by correspondence, walked a couple of times, went to the movies, he always leads me with me as before, kisses, hugs, and so on ... But he says, that I'm just a friend to him, he doesn't need a relationship, tell me what to do?
Valerina,
Hello.

I want to try to understand this situation.
I have been together with my husband for 10 years, he is my first man. Married 6 years old, child 3 years old. Both wanted a child, they planned for a long time.
My husband is the best in the world: he loves me, is faithful to me, adores the child, helps in everything, supports me in my problems. Also young and handsome.
After leaving the decree for work, everything started spinning strangely. Interests, hobbies appeared again, some acquaintances appeared.
I sit and understand that I no longer love my husband. Sex with him is not very pleasant (and when it was pleasant, I can't even remember), even kissing him is not very pleasant.
I understand that these years I lived by his hobbies. I tried for him, losing myself, what I liked.
My husband notes that I have not changed for the better. But I'm ready to endure my crisis. Even support.
Worst of all, it was at this moment that a man stood in my way who understands me. At least the way I am now. It is possible that I am partly into it.
But the most important thing is that I understand that I no longer love my husband, that's all. He's leaving, and I don't even miss. He was one of the guests, and I go to bed, but before I would have gone crazy, imagining all the horrors that can happen to him.
I read his old letters, look at our photographs, some memorabilia. And nothing in my soul. A little light sadness and that's it.
What am I to do with all this?
Worst of all, I don’t know exactly what I want.
Valentine

Hello psychologists. Help me to understand.
We met for 3 years, a very stormy romance and relationship, I got pregnant, he was furious (his words), but accepted the situation, paid for the pregnancy and childbirth, did not recognize the child. The relationship ended with the news of pregnancy, but after that he writes every day, comes every week. Child 2.5, against calling him dad - uncle.
What keeps him by our side? I try with all my strength not to harm for the sake of the child and their relationship, but what does he want from us? I asked and said that he didn’t know himself, but he was pulling.
I want to understand what's going on.
Thank you!
Nina

Hello! I am writing to you in the club because I am already completely worn out with my problem.
My husband and I have been living together for 10 years, 4 of which have been legally married.
Before marriage, everything was not just good, but delightful, like in a movie. But after that he began to behave terribly: he is rude, drinks, does not come home to spend the night, like, I was drunk and fell asleep! Knowing my husband, I believed, because he falls asleep very quickly after taking alcohol.
And recently I found out that he had a mistress! I am a beautiful woman, I always look after myself, everyone appreciates and respects me, only my husband has no respect for me! The mistress, on the other hand, is a fat crocodile with 3 chins and 2 children!
Now says he is tired of me! I believe that he just wants to get rid of me by all means!
Eleanor

Hello! Your help is very necessary.
Recently I have very much doubted the feelings of my boyfriend. I have been meeting with him for 3 years. Before, everything was fine, I simply could not live without communicating with me ... he called, talked to me on Skype for days, and how she did not appear in it - he called, asked what had happened. There were compliments, I tried to spend time together more often ...
And now ... I'll call - I won't pick up the phone, after a while I will write that I was busy ... he replies to SMS in a few hours, I began to lie, study in 1st place ... that is. even in his free time he reads some book in his studies, meetings have become rare.
I decided that she didn’t love. She offered to leave, began to write less SMS to him, not to call, he fell into hysterics, became jealous, wrote offensive SMS for 2 months, accused him of everything, said that she had forgotten him and how dared. He began to press for pity, cry bitterly, instead of apologizing for the offensive, he began to faint, saying that he was feeling bad ... so that she fussed around him (I felt sorry for him in such cases) ... although those around him said that they did not notice that he is sick.
I offered to go to the doctor together, to consult about his health - such a categorical refusal was ... even if there is something with his health, he usually does not mind going to the doctor, he usually shakes for his health.
I said, I will forgive if I give a bouquet and apologize. For 2 months he said that there were no funds ... after 2 months without meetings he said that he would do everything, just to forgive ... and immediately brought the bouquet, on March 8, brought the bouquet ... he says he wants to make peace and loves it very much.
But I doubt that he can be trusted ...
He does not let go ... I told him that everything is over. After that, he began to come with flowers. Or he calls, or writes ... or he comes home ... just want to forget - he won't. And for the better, I doubt it will change. When I said that I was leaving, I turned 2 months of my life into hell, wrote that he would kill himself (hang himself, poison himself, etc.) ... at first I believed, phoned his phones, which he turned off ... in such cases, on home only phoned.
In difficult situations, he used to support me. I am grateful to him for that. Then he didn't care ... his deeds came first.
True, when they quarreled, he reminded of all the good things that he had done.
Previously, I associated him only with the most positive ... kind, sympathetic, honest, behaved with dignity.
Half a year ago I learned something else about him: he lied and began to neglect ... and he did not behave like a man ... he laid all the blame on me ... recently he just said that he admitted that he was wrong. But ... only in words.
Tell me, please, can you believe him in these words or not?
I got used to him, I cry for him ... but I'm afraid if I return to him, I will again begin to lie, neglect ...
Does he love or not? or wants to keep? I'm his first girlfriend.
I am very tormented by this question ... I endure this for 8 months ... I hoped that it would change for the better ... I sobbed at night, abandoned everything.
Tell me, please!
Liza.

Hello!
I am not writing in order to receive instructions from you, so that you help me. How can you help me? No way ... I am writing in order to somehow comprehend - how all this happened. After all, 23 years ago everything was different, I could not imagine how it is possible to live one day without her. But ... I was in love ... We got married when we were 22 - almost immediately after graduation. As a reserve officer, in the first four years I was twice at a military training camp for 3 months. And that was also a test for me. And for her too - I saw it, felt it. And where did it all go? Somehow imperceptibly reproaches began, constant instructions, complaints. And then the insults ... She stopped greeting me with a smile at the door when I came home after work. And then after business trips ... And not at all because she had someone ... She had no one and was not - I know that for sure. And it is not self-confidence in me that speaks. I sometimes even think that it would be better if she had someone. Better for me and for her. But no ... In the evening, as soon as I enter the apartment from one of the rooms, a question-statement is heard: "Is that you?" “I - my answer from an inclined position - take off my shoes. Silence continues for some time, and then ... All our evening communication comes down to the fact that I find out about myself - what a loser I am (just a shop manager, while my friends have long been ...), that I am a bad son-in-law (already two weeks did not go to my mother-in-law), a bad father (look at what my daughter is wearing - boots are already three years old soon), well, what a husband is not worth talking about ... For three or four evening hours of communication, I will find out about myself again and again everything from the wedding itself. And I didn’t finish building the country house, and the repairs in the apartment hadn’t been done for 6 years, and I earn little, and I didn’t wash my socks yesterday, but threw them by the bath, and ...
I began to catch myself thinking that I did not want to go home and I was looking for any excuse for myself to stay late at work. Can you imagine? It became more preferable for me to be at work than at home. The tension that I experience being at home is so great that my head is already heavy when I approach the house. But this cannot be called the normal state of affairs. My deputy is 50 years old and he is waiting, not waiting for the end of the working day to rush home at breakneck speed. To my wife. And he has been married for 29 years. And you have to see how glad they are to meet each other. Incredible, but true. And he, too, did not build a country house, and is only my deputy, although he is older than me. Here they made repairs in their tiny 28-meter 2-room apartment - I saw it myself. Although I am aware that this is rather an exception to the rule than the rule itself. Even in my youth, my older brother used to say that everything is ahead of me - that there are no women, or rather wives, who would not “gnaw the neck” of their husbands, saying at the same time: “Look at our mother and our father”. But I was sure that everything would be different for me. The issue did not come out ... And when my school and student friends and I occasionally get together for "gatherings" - no, no, yes, and there will be a conversation about women in general and wives in particular. And they have the same thing. “Sergey (Petya, Lenya, Vasya ...)! You promised to put things in order on the loggias. How long can you ask for the same thing? All your life you have been irresponsible and lazy, thinking first of all about your own well-being". Or: “The doors already, the devil knows what they look like - why don't you take it, and not cover them with new leatherette? What prevents you from thinking about your own home?" Or: "I have asked you for a long time - put things in order in the car - there, after all, the devil will break his leg in the trunk."
I'm waiting for the weekend, as, probably, Saddam Hussein was waiting for the attack of the Anglo-American military contingent. After all, I perfectly understand what my wife says about my real flaws, about my flaws, about mistakes, finally. But somehow she doesn't pronounce them like that - these words and sentences. She begins to say them exactly when I really need rest, in gentle and warm words, when I was just about to relax (not at all in the sense in which you, maybe even grinning, will think - I am not inclined to wine drinking ). When I hear the appearance of grumbling notes in my wife's voice (a kind of subtle squeaky tone), I try to stop hearing and listening. My face takes on an expression that is likely to be on the faces of everyone on the eve of Armageddon. And this somehow separates me from the surrounding harsh world (in the form of my wife). Well, who likes it when a trickle of diarrhea reproaches is first directed at him, which grows rather quickly and acquires a streaming character. Sometimes (more and more often lately) I dress in silence and leave the house. Let him be offended ...
Benjamin. 40 years.

This is a page from the section Psychology of Love

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

K.S. Lewis

Falling in love. G. Chapman.

Falling in love (explains the ethologist). V. Dolnik

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

True love, it is also compatible love.

Friendship + Love = Filia.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.

From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony.

Sigmund Freud about love.

Falling in love and hypnosis. S. Freud

Riddles of sexual compatibility. V.V. Meged.

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." more than 1500 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми