Different feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev

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About "What is love" , " Falling in love ", " Poor quality falling in love " has already been written in detail.
"How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-love" and what will happen "If the confusion of love with pseudo-lovers is eliminated" there is information, so they contain all explanations and comments, and here are briefly outlined the differences between them.

Differences between love and being in love.

Content tags.

According to Plato, this is the desire to restore the divided single essence, this is "the thirst for integrity and the desire for it." At the same time, there is a healing of the flaws of human nature and redress. The special power of love is in its role as a corrector of human nature, and in this capacity it makes a loving person more effective by improving the psychological structure of the personality.

According to Fromm, this is "a fruitful relationship to others and to oneself", care, responsibility, respect, knowledge;

According to K. Jung "it is designated as perfect harmony and is assessed as great happiness (" one heart and one soul ")"

According to Z. Rubin, this is affection, intimacy - trust, care;

According to E. Pushkarev is a “harmonizing, psychostimulating, meaning-forming state”.

It arose in the course of evolution to provide a temporary bond of a pair to facilitate the conception of offspring and their feeding for the first few months or years of life. It is characterized by hyperactivity of all mental, physical and even extrasensory spheres of life. But the main driver is the activity of reproductive functions.

Neurochemistry and tomography

Oxytocin and vasopressin are of decisive importance. It is they who regulate family and social relations in both humans and animals.

Neuroscientists define falling in love as "a dopaminergic goal-setting motivation for the formation of paired bonds for the reproduction of offspring."

At the first stage, testosterone and estrogen manifest themselves (the instigators). Then neurotransmitters gain activity: dopamine, phenylethylamine, serotonin, oxytocin.

A number of psychoactive substances, both in love and in love, are the same,

but the intensity of synthesis, composition, grouping with other components are different, as well as different at different stages of falling in love.

In addition to increased synthesis of psychoactive substances, which causes love intoxication , the composition and amount of sweat changes, the content of immunoglobulin, erythrocytes, etc. increases.

The chemistry of love. Components of attraction, infatuation, affection, and separation. D. Amen

“Lust - a passionate desire for sexual satisfaction is associated mainly with the hormone testosterone: in both men and women. Romantic love - with the natural stimulant dopamine and possibly norepinephrine and serotonin. And the feeling of affection between a man and a woman is generated mainly by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. … Each of these basic drives travels in the brain along different paths. Each generates different behaviors, hopes and dreams. And each is associated with a different neurochemistry".
H. Fisher

"Romantic love in its beginning, I am a drug addiction ... It certainly has the main characteristics of drug addiction - just as it happens with drugs, when a person falls in love with someone, that person he needs more and more <...>. There are other coincidences with real addiction: personality changes, withdrawal syndrome".
H. Fisher

In pop song language, it sounds like this:
Oh my God, mom, mom, I'm going crazy
Her smile, mother, her head is spinning
Oh my God, mom, mom, drunk without wine
Her smile, mom-ah-ah ...
E. Creed "Most, most"

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Magnetic resonance imaging of the lovers' brain revealed its center, which is located in the ventral tegmental region - the deepest, inner region of the brain, which directly passes into the spinal cord.

Neuroscientists from the United States and Switzerland have summarized the results of six studies of the phenomenon of love using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). The authors concluded that love is not just a “basic emotion,” but a complex phenomenon associated with the activity of many parts of the brain responsible for various mental functions: feelings of pleasure, formation of attachments, motivation for purposeful behavior, social cognition, and self-image. The areas of the brain associated with passionate love and maternal love overlap, but still have their own specifics.
Tomography of love.

A person does not have an innate gift to distinguish love from falling in love, which is convincingly confirmed by the sad statistics of divorce, but with the help of neurochemistry, tomography, test on the love of Z. Rubin it can be done.

Psycho-emotional manifestations.

Only positive and good, like friendship, kindness, conscience, compassion, mercy. Disagreements, quarrels happen and are even obligatory, but they do not leave spiritual scars, but on the contrary allow you to rise to a higher level of trust, agreement, and mutual understanding. The adage "darlings scold, only amuse themselves" is true for a loving couple, but for lovers, a quarrel is another crack in the relationship, which accelerates the approach of the inevitable split and alienation.

Not only the general rise of all spheres of life, but also intolerably pleasant, transcendental, mystical - the so-called. falling in love , divine sensations of "unearthly joy", psychic manifestations: " clairvoyance "and telepathy this and" obviously on the verge of insanity, my heart is like a crater of Vesuvius, I seem to go into hysteria , I rush from coast to coast "," die, go crazy from separation, pain and melancholy ", inadequate disagreements and actions, and their consequences are unpredictable and most difficult. According to expert estimates, more than 40% of suicides are committed due to inability to resolve amorous problems.

Love:

By the way, when it comes to love, we must immediately make a reservation that love is seeing, not blind.
Corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M. Litvak

Healthy and addictive love. M. Litvak

Falling in love:

Love is blind and deprives us of our eyes.
I do not see what I see clearly.
I saw beauty, but every time
I could not understand what was bad, what was beautiful.
W. Shakespeare

Sayings about love. Whom to believe?

To designate this phenomenon, they even came up with a scientific term - "vision aberration".

It can be recalled that in English (French, Italian, etc.) there is no word for love, so they all call it love, initially doomed to confusion.

Partner engagement.

Love is only mutual.

Falling in love can be without reciprocity

Start.

Love at first sight, there is no touch. First, the emergence, then development, after the restructuring of the psyche under a new positive reality, there is an activation and flowering of all the potentials of partners.

Falling in love at first sight, touch happens often ...

V. Frankl about love. M.E. Litvak

Sex drive (libido, lust).

Sex for love has no natural, evolutionary relationship, their connection is conditioned by cultural norms. For the first time, the Roman poets Ovid and Horace began to write about fidelity in love in the 1st century. BC.

Love and lust.

Sexual attraction is a trigger falling in love. girls, it is often mediated.

Dorothy Tennov on falling in love: “This is not love. It is an evolutionary force that attracts someone who becomes more important than everything else. This is often called love ... But this is not true love".

"If there is no sex drive, this is not real love"
Dorothy Tennov

Duration.

Since love is based on unchanging mental functions throughout life, then it lasts until the end of the century.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

Examples of true love.

Dorothy Tennov estimates that it lasts an average of two years.

Anthropology professor Helen Fisher believes that the maximum duration of falling in love is 30 months.

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Synonyms.

Harmony, blessing, mutual support, care, consent, sorrow (other Russian) , longevity, usefulness, comfort, confidence, perspective, safety, healthy offspring.

Energetic rise, in poetic language "a feast of all senses", obsessive thoughts about the beloved (s) and craving to see, feel the beloved (leg), distorted perception of reality (aberration), sexual attraction, mood swings

Philosophical interpretation of differences:

Love is based on the assertion of the “I” of the Other and the construction of a joint “We” -being, falling in love is based on the assertion of one's own “I”.
Falling in love can be defined as interest in the Other based on the need for sexual intimacy. Falling in love and love have a biological character, but love is transformed by morality through a connection with the ideal and rational, characterized in love by the awareness of feelings. Falling in love has moral characteristics only to the extent that the need for intimacy is actualized. Falling in love can take place not only as a prerequisite for sexual love, but also in a broader sense - as a short-term passion for a particular type of activity, person, idea. However, the fundamental difference between love and being in love is revealed in their interaction with the category of the ideal and moral values. Falling in love persists until there is an assessment of the conformity of the qualities of the object of falling in love with the moral ideal and values of the lover.
K.philos.n. K. Tarnovsky

The above are the differences between love and being in love, but what they have in common:

And love and falling in love as evolutionary signs that increase the ability of a species to survive arose long before the appearance of humans, and cultural norms and standards of amorous relationships arose about four and a half thousand years ago.

History of the culture of love feelings. E. Pushkarev

And from one era to another they change, and the psychophysiological laws of love and love of their development, currents remain the same at all times.

We are now living in an era of another change of amorous standards, romantic love is giving way to confluent love.

What is confluent love? V. Shapovalov

Intimacy transformation. Sexuality, love and eroticism in modern societies. A. Giddens

I would like to once again emphasize and refute the myth that falling in love is the first stage of love. I will use this technique. D.psh.n. E. Ilyin in his book "The Psychology of Love" writes:

“I will dwell on the categorical position of E. Pushkarev in relation to the differences between falling in love and love:“ What is an ingrained concept - first falling in love, which develops into love, turned out to be completely different <...> Love arises completely independently of whether I was in love or not, ”he said. This statement would be true if the author did not use the word “perfect”, but wrote “may be independent”. And the fact that you can fall in love several times and that falling in love may not turn into love does not deny the option that falling in love can turn into love."

Falling in love cannot grow into love, since these are two evolutionarily conditioned and independent of one another complex processes. Rarely, but it happens that these processes are superimposed on one another. And in the few situations when there was love, and against its background love arose and developed, the following happened. Falling in love, following its own laws, arose, developed and reached its peak, and then came to naught. Regardless of falling in love, love arose and began to develop, for some time these two processes proceeded simultaneously, each according to its own laws in its own phase, in different brain centers, without any correlation. Falling in love, as it should, ended in the time allotted by evolution, and love, as a process independent of it, continued its development in other brain centers. Between these men and women, love might not have arisen, and love could have arisen and developed without her according to its own evolutionary laws.

This is just like there is an aviation corridor for the flight of liners, but there is a railway track for trains, these are the processes of movement occurring in different dimensions, according to different physical laws, controlled by different dispatch systems, they have different historical roots.

A colorful example that breaks the romantic standards that still dominate our culture, the emergence of love without falling in love.

Husband's story: “We had sex for the first time after two years of dating, or rather, cooperation. The work was connected with night shifts. In our free moments, we talked with each other, or rather, I spoke more, while sharing my sexual adventures and complaining that I could not make up my mind in any way. She listened with participation, but without any advice. But more often I talked about my plans for life, where the main thoughts were about a career, and the structure of family life was postponed "for later", there, by the age of 30 (then I was 23 years old, she was a little less). As a wife, she didn’t fit me for those views (a fool!), But for casual sex I respected her very much. She knew about my random girlfriends without me. We also met at dances, where I sometimes danced with her, did not go to see her off. Only once did I walk home, but I didn't even kiss, and I didn't even try. Once at her birthday party, but kissed her girlfriend.

Two years later, there was a fire in our institution. We put it out together. Of course, the firefighters were engaged in this, but the whole team helped. She and I were in the same team at that time and worked side by side. They went out into the street dirty, she lived closer and invited me to come to her and put myself in order. I went in, but I didn’t come out. We did not sign immediately. I was delighted with her. She was inexperienced, but, nevertheless, something extraordinary emanated from her body, when she gained experience, it became even better. All the sexy girlfriends stepped aside, but neither I nor she started talking about marriage. A year has passed. I went on vacation alone. I used to rush about in search of a sexual partner due to my sexual preoccupation. Now I somehow didn't need it. You could rest in peace.

Then I still did not understand that love came to me. I did not think about marriage with her. As an honest person, I should have separated or marry her, but I could not break up with her, since I could no longer be with anyone else. I also did not dare to marry, since it did not correspond to this role in a number of parameters that, from my point of view, should have been my wife (gender, age, education, social origin, property status, etc.). What nonsense it all is, and how many and what misfortunes it has brought! I don't want to pretend to be a saint. Yes, I had sexual episodes, but only on business trips. My relatives tried to marry me. But nothing good happened. I called my casual partners by her name. In the end, I realized that love came to me, and it overpowered. I am grateful to her for her endurance and patience. She changed the parameters that, in principle, could be changed in the direction I wanted. Well, age, nationality, social origin mean absolutely nothing to me now. Moreover, I became a true internationalist. How can you treat badly the people who raised such a woman. Now we have grown-up children and grandchildren. She is not younger, but it never occurs to me to look for someone else". M.E. Litvak "Sex in the family and at work." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

For the heroes of this plot, the impulse for the emergence of love was not joint duty, not dancing, and not even sex, but working side by side with additional stressful burdens. And falling in love for them, due to certain attitudes of the partner, turned out to be impossible, and love was possible.

There are also romantic examples of the emergence of love without falling in love - "Angelica - the Marquis of the Angels". The beautiful Angelica is in love with a simple country boy Nicolas, but her ruined father, for economic reasons, marries her forcibly to the lame, terrible (outwardly) Count Geoffrey de Peyrac. The sight of Geoffrey disgusts Angelica, but his nobility, generosity, decency lead to the emergence of love. Similar plots in our "Scarlet Flower" in the American "Beauty and the Beast".

Falling in love and love are two bright psychological processes that are independent of one another and have only superficial similarities. Falling in love is different from love, just as superstition is different from faith, just as rain is different from a river, like graphite is different from diamond (both carbon), like fireworks are from blast furnaces.

In addition to love and falling in love, there are many meaningful, meaningful experiences and feelings, and our culture, without thinking too much, calls any interest between a man and a woman love.

When newlyweds say in polls that they marry for love, this is a big mistake for which they will pay dearly. The overwhelming majority of people marry out of love, some lucky people will have love due to circumstances beyond the control of falling in love, and for the majority, falling in love will come to naught. And in the same apartment, in the same bed, there are two people who are indifferent to each other, and all because our imperfect culture imposes this very scenario.

The confusion of love with falling in love happens not only with mere mortals, but also with outstanding minds.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

I want to try to understand this situation.
I have been together with my husband for 10 years, he is my first man. Married 6 years old, child 3 years old. Both wanted a child, they planned for a long time.
My husband is the best in the world: he loves me, is faithful to me, adores the child, helps in everything, supports me in my problems. Also young and handsome.
After leaving the decree for work, everything started spinning strangely. Interests, hobbies appeared again, some acquaintances appeared.
I sit and understand that I no longer love my husband. Sex with him is not very pleasant (and when it was pleasant, I can't even remember), even kissing him is not very pleasant.
I understand that these years I lived by his hobbies. I tried for him, losing myself, what I liked.
My husband notes that I have not changed for the better. But I'm ready to endure my crisis. Even support.
Worst of all, it was at this moment that a man stood in my way who understands me. At least the way I am now. It is possible that I am partly into it.
But the most important thing is that I understand that I no longer love my husband, that's all. He's leaving, and I don't even miss. He was one of the guests, and I go to bed, but before I would have gone crazy, imagining all the horrors that can happen to him.
I read his old letters, look at our photographs, some memorabilia. And nothing in my soul. A little light sadness and that's it.
What am I to do with all this?
Worst of all, I don’t know exactly what I want.
Valentine

Hello! I am writing to you in the club because I am already completely worn out with my problem.
My husband and I have been living together for 10 years, 4 of which have been legally married.
Before marriage, everything was not just good, but delightful, like in a movie. But after that he began to behave terribly: he is rude, drinks, does not come home to spend the night, like, I was drunk and fell asleep! Knowing my husband, I believed, because he falls asleep very quickly after taking alcohol.
And recently I found out that he had a mistress! I am a beautiful woman, I always look after myself, everyone appreciates and respects me, only my husband has no respect for me! The mistress, on the other hand, is a fat crocodile with 3 chins and 2 children!
Now says he is tired of me! I believe that he just wants to get rid of me by all means!
Eleanor

Hello!
I am not writing in order to receive instructions from you, so that you help me. How can you help me? No way ... I am writing in order to somehow comprehend - how all this happened. After all, 23 years ago everything was different, I could not imagine how it is possible to live one day without her. But ... I was in love ... We got married when we were 22 - almost immediately after graduation. As a reserve officer, in the first four years I was twice at a military training camp for 3 months. And that was also a test for me. And for her too - I saw it, felt it. And where did it all go? Somehow imperceptibly reproaches began, constant instructions, complaints. And then the insults ... She stopped greeting me with a smile at the door when I came home after work. And then after business trips ... And not at all because she had someone ... She had no one and was not - I know that for sure. And it is not self-confidence in me that speaks. I sometimes even think that it would be better if she had someone. Better for me and for her. But no ... In the evening, as soon as I enter the apartment from one of the rooms, a question-statement is heard: "Is that you?" “I - my answer from an inclined position - take off my shoes. Silence continues for some time, and then ... All our evening communication comes down to the fact that I find out about myself - what a loser I am (just a shop manager, while my friends have long been ...), that I am a bad son-in-law (already two weeks did not go to my mother-in-law), a bad father (look at what my daughter is wearing - boots are already three years old soon), well, what a husband is not worth talking about ... For three or four evening hours of communication, I will find out about myself again and again everything from the wedding itself. And I didn’t finish building the country house, and the repairs in the apartment hadn’t been done for 6 years, and I earn little, and I didn’t wash my socks yesterday, but threw them by the bath, and ...
I began to catch myself thinking that I did not want to go home and I was looking for any excuse for myself to stay late at work. Can you imagine? It became more preferable for me to be at work than at home. The tension that I experience being at home is so great that my head is already heavy when I approach the house. But this cannot be called the normal state of affairs. My deputy is 50 years old and he is waiting, not waiting for the end of the working day to rush home at breakneck speed. To my wife. And he has been married for 29 years. And you have to see how glad they are to meet each other. Incredible, but true. And he, too, did not build a country house, and is only my deputy, although he is older than me. Here they made repairs in their tiny 28-meter 2-room apartment - I saw it myself. Although I am aware that this is rather an exception to the rule than the rule itself. Even in my youth, my older brother used to say that everything is ahead of me - that there are no women, or rather wives, who would not “gnaw the neck” of their husbands, saying at the same time: “Look at our mother and our father”. But I was sure that everything would be different for me. The issue did not come out ... And when my school and student friends and I occasionally get together for "gatherings" - no, no, yes, and there will be a conversation about women in general and wives in particular. And they have the same thing. “Sergey (Petya, Lenya, Vasya ...)! You promised to put things in order on the loggias. How long can you ask for the same thing? All your life you have been irresponsible and lazy, thinking first of all about your own well-being". Or: “The doors already, the devil knows what they look like - why don't you take it, and not cover them with new leatherette? What prevents you from thinking about your own home?" Or: "I have asked you for a long time - put things in order in the car - there, after all, the devil will break his leg in the trunk."
I'm waiting for the weekend, as, probably, Saddam Hussein was waiting for the attack of the Anglo-American military contingent. After all, I perfectly understand what my wife says about my real flaws, about my flaws, about mistakes, finally. But somehow she doesn't pronounce them like that - these words and sentences. She begins to say them exactly when I really need rest, in gentle and warm words, when I was just about to relax (not at all in the sense in which you, maybe even grinning, will think - I am not inclined to wine drinking ). When I hear the appearance of grumbling notes in my wife's voice (a kind of subtle squeaky tone), I try to stop hearing and listening. My face takes on an expression that is likely to be on the faces of everyone on the eve of Armageddon. And this somehow separates me from the surrounding harsh world (in the form of my wife). Well, who likes it when a trickle of diarrhea reproaches is first directed at him, which grows rather quickly and acquires a streaming character. Sometimes (more and more often lately) I dress in silence and leave the house. Let him be offended ...
Benjamin. 40 years.

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

K.S. Lewis

Falling in love. G. Chapman.

Falling in love (explains the ethologist). V. Dolnik

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

True love, it is also compatible love.

Friendship + Love = Filia.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.

From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony.

Sigmund Freud about love.

Falling in love and hypnosis. S. Freud

Riddles of sexual compatibility. V.V. Meged.

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