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Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E Pushkarev
Purity of mind gives rise to purity of passion; therefore, a pure mind loves passionately and clearly sees the object of its love.
B. Pascal
Being a strong poison for a sick soul, for a healthy one, love is like fire for iron, which wants to be steel.
M. Gorkiy
E. Fromm argued that a man or a woman can achieve love only if they develop themselves to the level at which they can exist as integral and confident individuals. "Mature love," wrote E. Fromm, "is unity provided that integrity and individuality are preserved." It requires "a state of tension, awakening, increased vitality, which can only be the result of a productive and active orientation in many other areas of life." It allows us, as lovers, to take an "active interest in the life and growth of the one we love."
In order to substantively consider who the "holistic and confident individuals" are, the concept of "creative - the highest level of psychological health" is best suited. So, what is “psychological health” and the levels that characterize it.
Psychological health is a dynamic state of subjective, internal well-being and harmony of the individual, which ensures the optimal choice of actions, deeds and behavior in situations of its interaction with the surrounding objective conditions, other people and allowing her to freely actualize her individual and age-psychological capabilities. The term “psychological well-being” is often used as a synonym for psychological health.
In the everyday consciousness of Russians, the concept of "health" is associated with physical health. But WHO, the World Health Organization, considers this concept more broadly: "Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being," and not just the absence of diseases or physical defects.
The definition shows that the category of health consists of three components: physical, mental and social. Physical "health", as a rule, is determined by a person's satisfaction with the functioning of his body (absence of pain symptoms).
The more difficult it is to define mental and social health. It is very difficult to find criteria for mental and social well-being. Usually a person complains to others about difficulties in life and difficulties in communication, problems of a psychological and social nature. Thus, "health" is considered as a measure of a person's ability to be an active and autonomous subject of his own life in a changing world and to form positive personal forces that ensure a full life.
The scientific category "psychological health" was introduced and developed in the most detail by Irina Vladimirovna Dubrovina (1991) (academician of the Russian Academy of Education, Doctor of Psychological Sciences, Professor). She defines "psychological health" as follows:
A dynamic set of mental properties that provide
a) harmony between various aspects of a person's personality, as well as between a person and society
b) the possibility of a full-fledged functioning of a person in the process of life.
But his "older brother" "mental health" has a much older age. Briefly, in order not to get into the jungle of terminology, I will give its shortest definition: "Mental health is freedom from the signs of mental illness." Psychologists explain the difference between seemingly similar concepts in the following way: "If the term" mental health "refers to individual mental processes and mechanisms, then the term" psychological health "refers to the personality as a whole, is in close connection with the highest manifestations of the human spirit and constitutes the actual psychological aspect of mental health problems as opposed to medical, sociological, philosophical and other aspects "
The main criteria of psychological health are: an active life position of a person, healthy self-esteem, the ability to achieve set goals, the presence of a meaning in life, the ability to take a position of responsibility for one's life and the lives of loved ones, communication skills, developed emotional intelligence, empathy, the need for development and self-improvement.
Summarizing the above, we can conclude that psychological health is a person's ability to maintain a dynamic balance with the environment, while maintaining inner calmness, a positive attitude and the desire for self-actualization and the fulfillment of meaning.
It can be especially noted that the basis of psychological health is the harmony of a person with himself: awareness of his desires, values, the meaning of life, self-regulation, self-actualization, harmony with the environment: social order, with other people, nature, and so on.
Here are three similar statements from three smart people:
You could not live in peace with anyone, because you never lived in peace with yourself.
M. Weller
Only by being in tune with what is inside you can cope with difficult situations.
H. Bukay
We will never establish harmony with the world around us until we are reconciled with ourselves.
Dalai Lama XIV
One of the most important criteria of psychological health, researchers identify the ability to interact and adapt in the "individual-environment" system. Based on this criterion, V.A. Ananyev identified the following levels of psychological health:
- A creative, highest level of psychological health occurs in people with stable adaptation to the environment, the presence of a reserve of strength to overcome stressful situations and an active creative attitude to reality, the presence of a creative position, they successfully navigate this world because they have mastered and adopted its laws well.
- The adaptive, average level, is manifested by people generally adapted to the society, however, having increased anxiety, pretentiousness, the laws of life are basically clear, but the implementation of some causes difficulties. Such people can be attributed to the risk group, since they do not have a margin of safety in psychological health.
- A maladaptive, lower level of psychological health is observed in people with an imbalance of processes:
- behavior in resolving a conflict is characterized, first of all, by a person's desire to adapt to external circumstances to the detriment of his desires and capabilities. His non-constructiveness is manifested in the inflexibility of the style of behavior, attempts to fully meet the requirements of others.
- behavior, on the contrary, is characterized by an active-offensive position, the desire to subordinate the environment to their needs. This is when a person goes to any monastery with his prayer. Their motto is: "We don't care how, if only our way."
Signs of a low level of health also include: lack of understanding of their needs, emotions, abilities, conflicts and unwillingness to be aware of them; ignoring and distorting reality with the help of protective mechanisms, replacing it with fantasies, lies; inability to establish a balance between their own and others' needs, disrespect for either the needs of others or for their own, the egocentric meaning of life (possession and destruction), the use of others as a means of achieving their goals, the inability to self-sacrifice and love, concern only for oneself, etc.
An example of the “love” of people with a low level of psychological health is “Love biography of Zh-P. Sartre and S. de Beauvoir ". It is not uncommon for outstanding people Dramatic falls in love of famous people that did not make them happy .
My research of four thousand workers in two large factories: 85% of the population need psychological help in our country.
Corresponding Member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M.E. Litvak "Love is healthy and addicted." In our
library "Love, family, sex and about … ”There are almost all the books of M.Ye. Litvak.
85% of all people, roughly, are initially creators of failures, creators of empty lives, creators of mistakes. These people are completely, absolutely dependent on the world around them. These people have one amazing property: they work, they live, they act for the sake of survival.
M. Norbekov. Our library "Love, family, sex and about ..." contains almost all of M. Norbekov's books.
Only 10% of people think, another 10% think what they think, the remaining 80% are ready to die rather than start thinking.
Mark Twain. APHORISMS
B.S. Bratus believes that psychological health is a balance of various mental properties and processes: a balance between the ability to give and take from another, to be alone and to be among other people; balance of self-love and love for others.
A.V. Kozlov, who is engaged in the study of psychological health, proposed his version of its structure, determined by him using the psychosemantic method. The author identifies 11 structural components of psychological health, such as: the absence of mental disorders; peace of mind; prosocial orientation; physical well-being; humanistic position; the desire to be yourself; creative self-expression; family well-being; love for the Highest; goal orientation; intellectual improvement. The author notes that psychological health is individually variable and can consist of a different number of spheres: from one to eleven. On the basis of this structure, he developed a method for diagnosing psychological health. Therefore, those who wish to determine their level of psychological health can already use it.
A. Maslow approached the problem of psychological health from the point of view of the completeness of personality development, which includes two main components: the desire and desire of a person to be “everything he can”, to embody all his personal potential through self-actualization and continuous development and movement towards humanistic values. and these are: empathy, acceptance of others, spontaneity, a sense of beauty, altruism, a desire to contribute to the development of society, a penchant for creativity and creativity.
The equivalent of a person with the highest level of psychological health can be considered, according to A. Maslow's terminology, a person “self-actualized”. Here is a list of the traits that he identified in such people:
- better than the majority, perception of reality (they see the world as it is, and not through the prism of personal problems, prejudices, claims ...);
-the ability to distinguish knowledge from ignorance, facts from opinions, essential from secondary (the ability to objectively analyze);
-greater acceptance of oneself, other people, nature (what is in oneself in other people and nature is good, what is not and is not needed);
-increased ability for direct emotional reactions (they do not use the mask of a formal smile everywhere, but smile only on an internal impulse, as children do);
- a tendency to problematic, objective thinking (there is a real problem - they solve it without delay, but they do not invent artificial problems);
- contemplation, detachment, the need for solitude, personal autonomy and resistance to external influences (each person solves his problems because it is not possible to solve the problem for another);
- freshness of perception and richness of emotional reactions (perceives the world around him based on his own motives and reactions, and not imposed stereotypes);
- more frequent experience of climax states (similar to the previous one);
- altruism, the tendency to identify with Humanity as a whole (this is what is called “there is love in the heart”);
-democratic, tolerant (tolerant) character (to perceive the people around them as they are, without pretensions and criticism);
-favorable, friendly interpersonal relationships (this is a repeat);
-great creativity (do not be afraid of your own initiative);
- large-scale life goals, orientation towards high, universally significant social values and a distant time perspective (not by bread alone ...).
In his work "Love and self-actualization." A. Maslow explains details about self-actualization and what is “the ability to love and be loved”.
E Fromm called self-actualized people "a productive person", K. Rogers "a fully functioning person."
... sadly, self-actualized individuals make up no more than 1 - 4% of all people.
Photo S. Kovalev
Club: Surely these 1 - 4% of people among us who are not self-actualized have a hard time living, if only because there are much more of us, and also, we do not understand them, they do not understand us.
And what will happen if all people become self-actualized, which means they acquire the highest level of psychological health?
So Doctor of Psychology, Doctor of Philosophy. n. S. Kovalev calls the behavior of people with a higher level of health environmentally friendly, and those with a lower level of health. In his book “Self-correction of a“ lame ”fate. How to take the correction of your destiny into your own hands ”he gives a lot of useful and specific advice on how to replace non-ecological thoughts, beliefs, behavior with eco-friendly ones. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
A deeper understanding of psychological health can be gained through the category “Resilience of the individual. Monograph". K.psh.n. A.N. Fominova. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
As already mentioned, the basis of psychological health is the harmony of a person with himself and the environment, and this is achieved through self-regulation. There are two types of self-regulation: internal and external.
Internal self-regulation is a personality trait that makes available a free transition from one type of activity, state to another. Internal self-regulation allows you to achieve harmony with yourself, to manage your feelings, emotions and relationships.
External self-regulation ensures the possibility of adequate activity, both in favorable and unfavorable conditions, to environmental influences. Adequate activity is a combination of two processes: mobilization of volitional tension for active influence on the situation, and, consequently, external changes, and adaptation to it, i.e. internal changes.
Nowadays, a lot is said, written, advice is given to increase "stress resistance", but "stress tolerance" is no less important, which implies not only the preservation of psychological health, but also the possibility of a person using stress for self-change, personal growth and development. To do this, use the principle of "change yourself and the world will change" with the use of the method "change yourself without changing yourself."
Teaching, as a professional group, has a low rate of physical and psychological health. And these characteristics decrease as the length of service at school increases.
Teachers with experience of 10-15 years were tested.
34% of the surveyed teachers are in the zone of psychological well-being. About 40% - have moderate nervous disorders, they need special psychological help. More than 80% of teachers had a high level of situational tension (according to Spielberger's method), and 60% - unchanged tension.
The report "Psychological health, its criteria and signs of impairment" is devoted to the psychological health of schoolchildren. Available in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
An important factor in psychological health is a symptom complex - alexithymia, a combination of psychological characteristics that predispose to diseases of psychosomatic specificity. The first of these characteristics is the weak differentiation of the emotional sphere, the inability to recognize and describe one's own emotions and the emotions of other people, the inability of a person to express in words his inner experiences, to distinguish between feelings and bodily sensations. There may be inhibitions on feeling or outward manifestation of a feeling, such as fear or anger.
The second characteristic is the predominance of visual-active thinking, its weak symbolization and imagery, rigidity and concreteness. Insufficient reflexivity is often noted, for example, about one's needs and motives, as a result of this, the ability of self-regulation decreases, affective breakdowns are possible, the causes of which are poorly understood by a person.
Imagining in different ways the relationship between the psychological characteristics of a person and the state of his health, the researchers are unanimous in the opinion that not only "a healthy mind in a healthy body," but also mental health determines physical health.
A mentally healthy person is a productive and inalienable person; a person who relates to the world with love and uses his mind to objectively comprehend reality; it is a person who experiences himself as a unique individual being and at the same time feels a community with his fellows; a person who is not subject to irrational authority and willingly recognizes the rational authority of reason and conscience; this is a person who is in the process of continuous birth throughout his entire life and considers the gift of life to be his most valuable asset.
Erich Fromm
In A. Adler's individual psychology, the criterion of psychological health is how successfully a person is able to solve three basic life tasks: work, make friends and love.
Psychological ill health is determined by such factors:
increased anxiety, emotional instability, intrapersonal conflicts and crises, distorted self-image, decreased / overestimated self-esteem, unformed personal position and lack of locus of control, conformal behavior. It is also characterized by chaotic value orientations, inability to overcome crises and maintain stability in stressful situations, as well as a reduced interest in life, a feeling that life is controlled by external circumstances, infantilism, loss of meaning and value in life.
Perception of life can be characterized by lack of will, lack of goal-setting skills and a positive assessment of oneself and one's own resources. Also, psychological ill health can manifest itself as an egocentric orientation, deformed self-identity, a need for self-affirmation in the absence of empathy for others.
For a more visual description of the average and lower levels of psychological health, you can use the well-studied signs that characterize neurotics, psychopaths and sociopaths, which quantitatively and qualitatively form these levels.
Signs of neuroticism: no longer the norm, but not yet pathology. I. and L. Shiryaevs
Express - diagnostics of neurosis and the level of neurotization. E. Milyutina
A few words for self-diagnosis of neurosis. M. Litvak
Mechanism of neurosis formation. M. Litvak
When a neurotic comes face to face with conflict, he escapes into illness.
Anxiety is a fundamental phenomenon and a central problem of neurosis.
Z. Freud
It should be noted that we are talking about a preclinical set of neurotic, psychopathic and sociopathic symptoms, and most people have them. And the diagnosis "neurosis", "psychopathy", "sociopathy", when the number of signs has already passed into another quality, can only be made by a professional.
Neurotic love. O. Kurakin
"Love" neurotic. M. Litvak
Examples of the lowest level of psychological health.
From a letter. “It happened when they first appeared in our city. I was still a little kid, but even then I promised myself that I would work at Ikarus. I grew up, studied at a technical school. home, and go to work. Finally my dream came true - I became a driver "Ikarus 280" (accordion) on the city route. For five years of work I did not have a day that I did not want to go to work. , I spend all my free time with my "Ikarus". Unless I sleep in it. I made a "candy" out of it, studied "inside and out", because I had to repair everything myself. I can work seven days a week. I don’t go on vacation for the third year. I’m already 27, and I’m single. No, the girls are running after me, but I’m probably a monogamous person. I only love him, my "Ikarus". girl, she notices this and says: “Choose: either me or the bus.” Well, of course, I choose him. I think I I will never marry, although I have an easy character. And recently I took a ride in a tourist Mercedes behind the wheel and now I dream of working on such a bus. Sergey A.".
Signs of a low level of health from the outside can even be perceived as dignity.
Letter to the Club. “… I clean my house three, four times a day. Moreover, this is not an easy cleaning, but a general one. I wash everything very, very thoroughly with cleaning products. When I start cleaning, I don't like being interrupted and disturbed. I enjoy the fact that I wash everything in the house. I don't like easy cleaning. I want to clean my house always and very carefully. I want to wash windows every day, although people wash windows two or three times a year. Due to the fact that I constantly clean up, I do not have enough time for something else.
If there is even one crumb on the floor in the house, then I am very upset. Because of this, I do not buy cookies and do not give them to my daughter, because she will definitely crush them on the floor. If I see that my daughter is still crumbling, my heartbeat increases. Because of this one crumb, I start to wash the whole apartment again. Although I could remove one crumb and calm down, but I can't !!! I believe that once they have littered in one place, it becomes dirty everywhere. Because of this, I break into my daughter. And earlier, and on my husband, he left us 3 years ago.
I am now 28 years old. At work, I am appreciated because I am trouble-free. But after work I feel constant loneliness. Nobody calls me, I don't communicate with anyone except my daughter and mother.
Maybe you can advise me a mild antidepressant so that my mood is more stable. Thanks in advance". Inna.
In the collection of Vladimir Deryabkin from St. Petersburg, there are more than 200 gramophones. To the correspondent's question: "By what principle do you collect gramophones?" Vladimir replied: "No, no matter what. As soon as I see someone's gramophone - that's all, I can't think of anything else, I sleep badly until I have the gramophone. Both friends and relatives say that I went nuts on my own. gramophones, and I myself understand that I’ve gone nuts, but I don’t know when. very expensive".
I leave her without drinking tea
I lose my temper and notice ...
One after another our boats
Float upside down
Brothers Meladze
Academician A. Ukhtomsky gave a scientific explanation for such mental distortions and looping in the concept of "dominant". The dominant is the center of excitement that dominates the psyche, which draws in all external influences into its channel. He wrote: “In the order of self-observation, we can notice each one on ourselves that when this dominant orientation is present, purely bestial sensitivity and observation in one direction and, as it were, immunity to other aspects of the same environment become more acute. In this sense, the dominant is not only a physiological prerequisite behavior, but the physiological premise of observation". And further: "At the same time, it catches out of the surrounding world for the most part only what confirms it ... And this in itself is a reworking of reality."
People with a lower level of psychological health are those whose intrapersonal problems block the development, the existence of full-fledged love. And instead of it, surrogate, pseudo-loving ones develop:
Poor quality falling in love - mania.
Poor quality falling in love - ludus.
Poor quality falling in love - eros.
Oleg comes to the railway station every day and at 21: 21, starts playing the saxophone, at which time the train leaves for Moscow. 8 years ago on this train his beloved girl went to Moscow, got married, had children. Many people consider him crazy, but Oleg is not offended. At first it helped him survive the emotional drama, but now it has become a habit, a tradition. Over the years, he never left the city, either on vacation or on a business trip, in order to be able to start his impromptu concert every evening at 21:00.
It can be difficult to define the line between lower levels of mental health and mental illness.
From a letter. "I turned to you because I suffer very much, I love one person for 24 years. When we were young, we studied at the same institute, but then without passing the exam he was taken to the army. I went to see him every week, but stupid jealousy, In the same month I fell ill, lost 10 kg, quit college and work and for two months simply did not see anything, then the love of my parents gradually brought me out of this situation. I got married and gave birth to a son and was happy. But after 9 years in my life he appears again. I again seemed to lose my head, again believed that he loved me, cheated on my husband. I felt the happiest in the world, did not live flying through the air He himself told my husband everything, insisted on my divorce. Now I have been dating him for 9 years, but he still remains in his family. Everything promises that we will be together, but he is looking for opportunities just to spend time with me well, calmly and blames me I am that we are not together. When alone, I understand everything. When I forget everything with him, everything in the world. My Soul Hurts.
Ksenia, 41 years old, Moscow ".
To live so long in a state of uncertainty with alternating hyperstresses, hopes, their collapses, bursts of mental euphoria leads to a mental disorder - codependency.
The whole drama and hopelessness of Xenia's story lies in the fact that even if they create a family, happiness will not come for her. And the no less traumatic next stage of love mania will begin. All this has been studied and described well enough.
(more: The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina.)
Typically, the most significant psychological problems have their roots in childhood. If a child lacks the love of his parents, his soul, like a plant in the dark, withers and bends. There are a variety of deviations, character difficulties and personality defects, up to mental illness.
Shaver PR, Hazan C. (1988) distinguish three types of love, depending on the type of attachment to another person (attachment):
• Most of humanity is of the “confident type”, easily establishing and maintaining close contacts with people
• A quarter of people belong to the "avoidant type"; such persons feel uncomfortable when someone tries to establish too close emotional contact with them, they simply do not have enough trust in other people
• About a fifth of people can love, experiencing anxiety and ambivalent feelings; Although they are drawn to intimacy with significant Others, very often they have a feeling that they are not really loved, so they always desire more than they have and are often disappointed when a partner does not meet their expectations.
Researchers found that parents of people capable of a confident style of love treated their children with support and empathy. Anxious and ambivalent patients often describe their parents' behavior as overwhelmed by unpredictability, becoming emotionally warm, sometimes completely rejecting. And those who refuse intimacy grow up in families of parents in which there was a lot of criticism, high demands were made and there was little warmth.
Unresolved dissonances regarding the character and way of thinking of parents continue to sound in the nature of the child and form the inner story of his suffering.
F. Nietzsche
Studies of monkeys (rhesus monkeys) by the American psychologist Harry Harlow, have revealed that they already have the ability to love, that is, to individual, selective, emotional attachment. Especially important is Harlow's conclusion that a mother's love for her cub, contact caresses and attention affect not only the development of communicative qualities and emotional attachments, but even copulatory manifestations. Those. cubs deprived of maternal love and affection in childhood grew up mentally and socially handicapped, incapable of reproducing offspring.
Therefore, psychological health is a prerequisite for love not only for humans, but also for monkeys and other animals.
In the studies of Russian psychologists M.S. Neimark and L. I. Bozhovich have evidence that a need for love not satisfied in a family leads to an egoistic personality structure ("personal orientation") in combination with inadequately exaggerated claims to success. For example, in adolescents, failures in performing tasks cause outbursts of violent emotions - anger, protest, accusations, etc., in which their mental distress, which has become chronic, is manifested ("the affect of inadequacy"). Painfully reacting to failure, the adolescent blames either other people or circumstances for his failures, without admitting his own failure.
Often, the "affect of inadequacy" has to be observed in adults in excessive claims to attention to themselves. Just as a child cannot speak if he does not hear other people speak, he will not learn to love - neither himself nor others, if he himself was not loved.
Being capable of true love means becoming mature with realistic expectations of the other person. This means taking responsibility for our own happiness and grief, never expecting to be made happy by another, and not blaming him for our bad moods and inactivity.
Doctor of Psychology Robert A. Johnson
"On Earthly Love."
There is love, but it is not for infants. This is an adult feeling. You cannot buy it, you cannot get it by pull, you cannot steal it, you cannot take it away, you cannot beg. One can only mature before him. Grow up!
Psychologist E. Belyakova "Love is not for the infantile!"
There are so few winners in life because only a very few mature to true mental and mental adulthood. The vast majority are subconsciously stuck in psychological childhood. Internally, they continue to live in an unintelligible thickness of suggestions perceived at a tender age. In evaluative addiction hypnosis. In blind trust in manipulative myths. In blind mistrust of myself. In the deep-seated fears of the little man, which everyone once was and remains somewhere. In spiritual darkness.
Psychotherapist V. Levy
Infante is another form of poor psychological health.
From a letter. "I am 22 years old, my name is Ingoy. My childhood was spent in black tones. I was sick for a long time and I remember more the injections and droppers ward than home comfort and family holidays. In the family I was not loved by my older brother, who teased and beat me, and my father Stripes from the belt often turned blue on my body. Once, because I lost my mitten, my father lifted my leg and hit the wall with his head, I lost consciousness when I woke up, I was in the ambulance car, covered in blood ...
By the age of 16, I had become a beautiful girl with a beautiful face and a good figure, men looked at me, but I hated them all. Youth takes its toll and I fell in love with Vlad. Once we went to a dance, when Vlad went out to smoke, an unknown guy invited me to dance, I went. Vlad came in and saw how we danced. After this dance, Vlad and I went out into the street, I smiled at him, kissed him and said that I loved him, he stood and looked at me with eyes full of hatred. Then he hit me in the stomach, I fell, and he kicked me for a long time, while saying that I was a whore. I was in the hospital for a month.
Now I'm 22, and I'm not going to marry my husband ever. These womanizers do not interest me! Girls, women! Listen to me, I will avenge all of you, offended by these unworthy men, and I will avenge myself. I will make the men suffer from love for me. Listen, guys! You consider me beautiful and fashionable, and I consider myself pretty: height 173 cm, waist 58 cm, chest 90 cm. I am cute and I hate you all. You have caused so much harm to our fair sex. Let all the men know that there is such a girl, Inga, who hates all of you bastards.
Inga S. Penza ".
Here is an example of a severe form of narcissism.
From a letter. "Hello. No, I am not ugly even now, 95-60-90, attractive face, good hair, but this is not enough for me ...
Since childhood, I dreamed of being extraordinarily, fabulously beautiful, so that men would go crazy, that they would lose their speech and ability to think, that absolutely everyone would like me, etc. Because of this, I react painfully to criticism, if anyone something does not pay attention to me, then for me it is a tragedy ... I must be crazy ...
I devote a lot of time and effort to my appearance, but everything is useless, there is no limit to perfection, and my possibilities are not limitless, there will always be someone better, and for me this is a tragedy ...
When I come to an unfamiliar company, I am usually the most beautiful, all the guys look after me, but this is not enough for me, I feel that someone (on TV, for example) can be better than me, so my success do not please me, my men are not good enough, love me not enough, etc ...
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, I am satisfied with the result, and it seems to me that what I wanted, I already have, passers-by on the street always show increased attention, follow in a car, ask for a phone, watch from entering the store, even several times unfamiliar men gave flowers, but one dismissive word and depression begins, uncertainty about their attractiveness, etc.
I demand from men only worship, unconditional and complete ... I am unhappy ... But I do not see a way out ... I have other talents, I am educated, I know foreign languages, but that does not concern appearance and men, to tell the truth, are of little interest to me ...
I am tired of this eternal race, besides, in another 10 years, and I will retire - I will start to grow old, and what then? The end of everything ...
Violetta ".
The inability to love, combined with a strong need to be cared for, leads to a state of chronic affect, which manifests itself in relation to people around them in a variety of forms, even extravagant ones. Such people are often accused of selfishness, egocentrism, selfishness, but not all of these accusations are fair.
“A selfish person loves himself not too much, but too weakly, but in reality he hates himself. Lack of tenderness and self-care, which are only a partial expression of the lack of creativity, leaves him empty and frustrated. He is inevitably unhappy and anxiously trying to snatch life has pleasures, the reception of which he himself prevents".
"The Art of Love". Erich Fromm
Just one of the reasons for the low level of psychological health of people, whose stories are given above, is the lack of self-love. (
details and advice "On self-love". )
Children who are deprived of contact with their parents immediately after birth run the risk of being emotionally, mentally and socially flawed for life. Even finding a new full-fledged family and loving foster parents does not guarantee complete rehabilitation if the child spent the first 1-2 years of life in an orphanage.
by Seth D. Pollak, University of Wisconsin
Therefore, if a person did not receive love in childhood from his parents, it is possible to fill this gap, to love himself with the use of psychotechnics at a forehead age. After that, strangeness, destructive dominants deprived of their roots are corrected.
As we matured, we see that our parents were not omnipotent, wise, omnipotent and omnipotent, as they seemed to us in childhood, but ordinary people with normal abilities and simple human weaknesses. They had their own difficulties, which were not too different from our problems. The mistakes of our parents were passed on to us, but if we do not want them to be passed on to our children, we need to correct them as much as possible in ourselves.
People who managed to draw civilized conclusions after experiencing a stormy, traumatic love thereby increase the level of their psychological health, find happiness in a new marriage. And those who have remained at the same level never achieve their true, earthly happiness.
Singer Viktor Saltykov tells about his first wife Irina: "We fell in love with each other at first sight. A passionate feeling instantly flared up. While we loved at a distance, I lived in St. Petersburg, Irina in Moscow everything was perfect. Stormy meetings, romantic evenings, endless During the meetings, we simply could not breathe each other. But everything changed dramatically, faded three months after we got married: Then five long years of quarrels, resentment, heavy alcohol abuse. Painful hassle and divorce. But, as I now understand, our daughter suffered the most. Then I somehow did not notice it".
Love is not born immediately, only lust immediately arises.
Those who cannot distinguish love from lust are doomed to suffering.
Those who donate do not love.
The one who has not found himself, still cannot love.
Angel de Cuatier
Viktor Saltykov talks about his second wife Irina:
"After 17 years of living together, everything is great, fresh, interesting like the first time. I live in paradise. Only in my second marriage I realized what love, happiness is. In the first there was no love, there was some kind of obsession." ...
If paradise for Victor means paradise for Irina - beloved. Paradise as a synonym for love, or for both, or for neither.
And his first wife Irina is still so lonely and preaches the same pseudo-love slogans, on which she has been burned more than once.
Psychological health is not a category of firmness and rigidity, it is improved and developed, just like physical health. Only having a high level of psychological health can you achieve full self-realization, maximum success in life.
In Ukraine, a law has been passed on compulsory medical examination of persons entering into marriage. According to him, the bride and groom must be convinced of both their own and the health of the chosen one. Under this law, a marriage can be invalidated if one of the spouses conceals a serious illness. Ukraine is not the only former Soviet republic to have adopted such a law.
For those who are concerned about the problem of their psychological health, you can start with:
Causes of mental health disorders. A. Shuvalov
The main signs of a psychologically healthy person and his love. M. Litvak
Managing human life: a research program. A. Bagaev
Purposeful development of personality: what can be changed in oneself ... V. Odintsov
After that, you can proceed to the technique "Let's clear our emotional baggage", from the book of the psychologist, candidate of sciences A. Sviyash "Advice to the spouses, already rejected and passionately wanting to be rejected." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
Also in our library there is a collection of Konstantin Selchenok "The World of Human Problems", Part 2. Why we are what we are ? How to help yourself to change?
The secret to successful promotion is getting started.
The secret of the beginning is breaking down your complicated cases into small ones,
easily accomplished tasks and performing them, starting with the first.
Mark Twain
Details of how to implement Mark Twain's advice will help you:
To the question "What to do?" those who do not know where to start are most likely to answer.
"Self-correction of 'lame' fate. How to take the correction of your destiny into your own hands". Doctor of Psychology, Doctor of Philosophy, Professor Sergei Kovalev. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
Psychologist A. Yudin expounds his version of why psychological health is necessary for love It's useless to work on relationships.
E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"
You can learn about the variety of the indicated problem from the letters that came to the Club
Hello. My name is Alla. I am 22 years old. I would like to ask you a question. The fact is that I dated my boyfriend for 8 months. All this time we had constant conflicts, he was often groundlessly jealous of me, one can say almost all males, employees, neighbors, acquaintances. He constantly sorted out relations with me, which could even lead to my tears. He told me more than once that if he left me, he would quickly find another one. He told me more than once that everything is over between us. But after a short time he called back, asked for a petition, and said that he loved me very much, that everything that he said was bad, I did not need to pay attention to it.
But our real break happened at my request. The fact is that before this happened, he had another scene of jealousy, and he said that he didn't want to endure it anymore and that everything was over between us. But the next day, as usual, he called back and said that everything was fine, but I did not agree with this, and refused him and said that I did not want to see that he was disgusting to me, in the end, his reaction just amazed me, he started write me such messages on a mobile phone, call me names, whatever you like, send me, I just with tears read everything that came from him. I never expected to hear so much nasty from him.
And here I decided the truth through very great force, that I would not continue the further relationship because I could not forgive all this. The next day he called me back, wrote all day, but I did not pick up the phone. The next day he called only in the evening, but again I did not take the phone, in the end he came to me with a gift, he simply begged me to forgive him, said that he could not live without me, he wanted me to become his wife.
But the most important thing is that he confessed that all this time he had a girl who constantly imposes on him, said that she loves him, but she has an 8-year-old child, she is 28 years old, and my boyfriend is 29 years old, he assured me that he had nothing with her, that he does not love her, that he loves only me. It was doubly difficult for me to listen to this, but I could not forgive him for it, although he asked me to give him one last chance, in the end he left, wrote a nice text message and from that moment did not call again.
I feel bad now. Not to say that I am still angry with him, because I still loved him and very much, and I still have feelings for him no matter what, sometimes I am drawn to call him and I can hardly restrain myself, So I ask you very much strongly tell me please how can I get through all this and how can I live on. After all, now I am left alone and I am very lonely. After all, I do not know when I will meet another person. And whether it will be normal, so that I do not suffer again as well as with this. I am very afraid to be alone. Thank you in advance! Alla
Hello! We broke up a year ago, but I am still tormented by memories, as well as hatred and a desire for revenge. I want to get rid of this. I know that there is no need to hate, there is no need to take revenge, this causes psychological harm only to yourself. But I can't get rid of the memories and hatred, I want to go back to that day and do everything differently. Namely - not to humiliate yourself and ask to keep the relationship, but boldly leave her and leave. Then maybe she herself would be worried. I blame myself for that.
A little more detail, at first I was not in love with my girlfriend and was a little cold. We lived together (at her suggestion), then I moved to another place (to another country) without breaking off relations, but without promising anything either. She was very worried. In the new place, my personal life did not work out, I began to miss a lot and realized that I really love her (although when we lived with her, I did not think so). When I came to visit, after some 4 months, she behaved coldly, said that she no longer loved and we parted, it was very hard for me, I felt my guilt and still feel. But I can't, do I blame myself for the fact that I did not love her before the move ?? Or because I loved her after moving? However, I blame myself for both. I want to return, and then leave it myself (as she did), but now it is impossible she will never return, because the trust between us is broken. And I still have a pungent feeling of anger that I don't need. How to get rid of the accursed feeling of anger towards her and myself and live my life if I don't have a new worthy girl, and is not expected in the near future?
Yakov
Good afternoon, although it's the other way around for me. I am writing to you because I want to understand the cause of my depression and heavy thoughts. I first encountered a similar condition at the age of 12-13. On vacation I felt an unreasonable melancholy. Upon returning home, the melancholy receded. Melancholy returned again at the age of 25. I left for another city, where I lived in very difficult conditions. She participated in very dangerous things, there was a high level of real anxiety for her well-being. Calls to her boyfriend helped to hold on. Now I am back. I have a good job, which I really like, my position in society. The only thing is that the relationship with the young man is uncertain. I am tormented by a heavy, periodically piling heavy foreboding. Absolutely hopeless. Most often, this mood is provoked by thoughts of my boyfriend.
I think to most I look like a strong, rational and cheerful person. I can not understand. Whether my difficult psychological state is a consequence of unhappy love or the reason is still in me.
A little about him: he courted me for almost two years. A few months later, I left him, and very ugly - having told him about it through a third person. The problem was that he was too fixated on me. Practically haunted me. I was afraid of this. A year later, when I myself returned to him (he changed a lot during this time - he found a high-paying job, and now he is fixated on it as he once was on me), he accepted me. My condition was that we only have sex, no love. He fulfilled this rule.
And I fell in love during the time of separation and his telephone support. He doesn't want us to move in. He does not want a serious relationship, because he is actively pursuing a career. However, it always helps when I ask for it. We meet once a week, I initiate the meetings. This winter, after a serious conversation about my intentions, I said that I was breaking off the relationship. He agreed.
For four months of separation, I could not survive the separation. As a result, in the spring, I renewed my relationship with him. We now meet once a week after I call him. We talk a lot, with each other, but I still can't tell him that I love him. The second separation from him, I can not survive. I am afraid that this will indeed be forever. Tell me what should I do? Whether the reason for my stress is unrequited love or is it just an excuse not to solve difficult life problems. Please, help. Tessy
Hello. I saw how you helped people, I thought it wouldn't be useful to me: I and my boyfriend have been living together for almost a year. I am 22 years old and he is 26. We have always dealt with problems. I am studying to be a psychologist, and I managed to convince him that there is no such thing as "we are not suitable for each other," explaining that those who want can achieve everything, and that we must talk about everything, about every problem, solve it. He agrees, but as the matter approaches the disagreement, he immediately becomes somehow stupid:
I don't drink or smoke, I try to eat right, I go in for sports and I was looking for the same for myself. At first he was like that, but over time he changed began to smoke, do not miss the chance to drink, he knows very well that I do not like the smell of alcohol, but still sometimes I understand his desire to relax. I just don't understand why to relax with alcohol or cigarettes. It's a drug addiction. My brother lives with us, if suddenly guests come to him, he invariably offers them a drink. We live in Israel and it is not customary to drink alcoholic beverages here. But this does not bother him.
I always talk to him carefully, I reason, I say that I don't like it, in general I tried a lot of things. Once again, I hinted at him with my foot at the table, a couple of guys didn’t drink, he could, too, but he didn’t stop until I stopped him. I once again said that I do not like it, that I do not like it. He replied that he would not change. I said that then we shouldn't change each other and left the house.
He didn't follow me, then I saw him come down and bought a full bag of beer. I stopped him and asked why he was doing this, because this is the reason that we parted, to which he replied that if I wanted everything would be fine. An hour later I came home, he met me like a child and said "baby" came back, and I read one article there: I ignored him. It was last night: he continued to drink beer in front of me. Until now, we haven’t talked, I don’t know what to do, we always talk about everything, discuss us, try to change: please tell me what to do. Roza
Hello. Please help me figure it out. I think I am at a dead end. I am 26 years old, and my beloved is 18. We have been in close contact with him for about a year. We love each other very much. Before our relationship, he was my student. I taught him to play the guitar privately. Recently, I began to feel worse, often cry, throw tantrums. Itself in my thoughts reached the point that I do not have enough communication with him. I want to see him every day and night. It doesn't work that way. I study internally and work, in general, I am busy all the time. He is studying. Perhaps, I want to live with him, but I do not see any activity from him in this direction. He is not looking for a job and, apparently, our communication is enough for him. Recently we had a difficult conversation with him, I spoke about my desires. After all, I have the right to express them! He said that he was afraid that I saw in him the future husband, the father of my child. In general, he is frightened by a certain artificiality of the situation. We seem to have come to a compromise, decided to give up our desires a little: I will wait a little, and he will look for a job. I understand that it is hard for him. He is now busy with other problems that are more appropriate for his age. But it's hard for me, I think I won't last long. Tell me how I can better behave in this situation, and how to convince myself that the world will not collapse if we do not start living together tomorrow. How to behave so as not to hurt him? Valeria
Good afternoon. I have problems with communication, if not worse, that is, it does not exist at all .. as if I came to another country !!! only I have been living here in the NW suburbs for only 2 years, and I came from the Voronezh region. - because there I had neither a job nor a family:
I came here, in the Moscow region, at the end of 2005, because I found a job here with housing (I pay only 1,300 rubles a month for it). Before that, I was unemployed for several years, at that time I was building my house with my parents. The house was built, but there was no work there, and I didn't have a personal life either - and I'm 39 (although I look 30, because I don't smoke or abuse) and find myself in the outback at my age , the more so being unemployed even with a high school (if only it fed!) - it is practically unrealistic. .. So I came to the Moscow region, hoping that at least here, having a permanent job, I will finally find a woman to start a family:
Alas! - it was not there! Already 2 years have passed, and as I was alone, I remained alone. Well, there is simply absolutely no one to communicate with !!! All these 2 years I was looking for a woman, I was looking through the Internet, because there is simply no time or opportunity for any other searches (I am still writing from work), besides, it is 1 hour to Moscow by email, salary here I have a non-Moscow one, so in order to survive I have to eat and cook myself, and not go to public catering - in short, I don't have time to go to Moscow on real-life searches. And you can only go, only after finding someone and making an appointment: But it’s just that it didn’t come to a meeting with any of my Internet correspondents for all these 2 years!
For none of the Muscovites, and even the locals - those near Moscow - too, and I'm looking for a girl up to 35 years old (because I want to have my own children) - they don't even want to get acquainted with those who do not have their own living space, not to mention a car and other benefits , which they would like to receive as a dowry - together with the chosen one! Mercantile spirit (and for me it = venality) is simply off the charts: I already started looking for just sex, well, it’s impossible that even a young man (height 180, weight 72, teetotal, keep fit and try to eat as normal as possible) lived for years without intimate communication - alas! and there are only paid services - that is, with my salary of 10 thousand rubles. walk, Vasya, it turns out: in short, wherever you throw - there is a wedge everywhere!
And this despite the fact that my appearance is pleasant, my interests are versatile: I have been fond of music all my life (even here I have already collected a not weak collection - at work I have free Internet and, having a good command of English, I buy inexpensive CDs in the USA and England, and not only disks, but also audio equipment and even clothes for myself, because the prices around everything are just crazy !!!) In addition, I am seriously fond of photography (I even participated in exhibitions at the Palace of Culture before coming here). Not devoid of a sense of humor: But if you are a nonresident and you do not have your own housing here and your salary is not 30 thousand, then no one is interested in you - this is the conclusion to which I came: And I am writing in the hope that you can help break this vicious circle for me . Thanks for reading. Peter
Hello! I am dating a person who is 13 years older than me, I love him very much, I just need him. Sometimes everything is fine with us, just fine (unfortunately, this happens quite rarely). Basically, we have problems, scandals, begins to find fault with me with a reason, and to a greater extent without a reason, takes offense at me very often because of trifles.
When everything is good with us, I get the impression that he is afraid of this "good" and tries to push me away, finding various pretexts for a quarrel, either because of the age difference, or because his previous relationship did not work out ... whether he just doesn't care about me, and he is looking for an excuse to get rid of me, if he himself is to blame for something, and knowing that after a quarrel I will come anyway and try to smooth over sharp corners, makes me guilty ...
I want to preserve our relationship with him, and not just so that they remain the same, but to develop, but I do not know how to be, how to achieve this, I really need your advice. Thanks in advance, Regards, Emma
Hello. I am 35 years old. And I'm still alone. It seems to be not ugly, and the figure is slim, and the hostess is good, I love to cook very much, kind, caring, I adore children, although already
I do not hope to give birth. But: it so happens that no one needs it. And this makes me very bitter. During the day at work I spin around, somehow forget about my loneliness, and in the evenings, on holidays and weekends - even a howl! That's why I stay late at work, and I like to work on weekends, and I just hate the holidays.
Of course, there were men in my life, but everything was not that, it was not mine. Although before
often fell in love. And every time it was "burned". What kind of love do I have now? Age is not the same. I am content with rare, short meetings with one man (he has a family, and in the absence of fish and cancer - a fish), and at night I roar into my pillow. I am sure that under these words
many women can subscribe. Those who are familiar with loneliness.
And we are running from loneliness - who is where: get married, abroad, to work. And the fear of loneliness is sometimes worse than loneliness itself. Someone gives birth to children so that in old age, there is someone to bring a glass of water (and this, alas, is also a fear of loneliness).
Someone turns a blind eye to the drunkenness and partying of her husband, just to keep at least some hint of a relationship and not be left alone. And someone for the sake of this is willing to endure even beatings and humiliation. Although it remains to be seen which is better, "lonely loneliness" or
"loneliness together". Why am I so lonely? - I think that many have asked themselves this question more than once. And, really, why? I myself have asked myself this question a million times - there is no answer. Can you help? Ksenia
"Hello! I have been reading your newsletter for several months now. I am interested in psychology, so I like this newsletter. Actually, I consider myself a very confident person, and I even suspect that my self-esteem is a little overestimated and self-contemplation sometimes reaches narcissism. Although I was It is thanks to all the different books on psychology and work on myself that I have changed myself, and sometimes I hear in my address that I have no complexes.
I am pleased with myself: it is easy for me to make new acquaintances; I pass exams without any fear, and even if I really don't know anything, then I "bribe" the teacher with my confidence; I also have no problems with getting a job. In general, we can say that he is quite a successful person. But there is one BUT. Everything seems to be always lucky, but not in love. I'm trying to figure out what is the reason, but I can't. I can't find a loved one and for me it comes first.
The fact is that I am already 19, and I have not had a relationship that would have lasted more than a month! I understand that I am usually the initiator of the breakup, but what can I do if this person, who is attractive to me at first, suddenly suddenly dislikes? And lately, it’s like it’s chopped off to me: I don’t like anyone at all! I feel like some kind of impatent! That is, I sometimes see nice guys on the street, but among my entourage I really don't like anyone. All this I guess because of my overestimated self-esteem. I can’t do anything about the fact that most people, I think 80-90 percent, seem to me terrible freaks and just disgusting. And naturally I don't see a worthy pair among this gray mass. Please, advise, what exactly should I do to cope with my problem? Kisunya
Hello! I am 27 years old, I have a difficult uncertain situation, and I see no way out. Probably the problem is both my insecurity and my partner's. A year ago, I broke up with a guy I had dated for 3 years. Rather, she dated for 2 years, and then moved to another city to work, and to be honest, she just ran away from him, did not know how to resolve our relationship and decided to stay at a distance. My move opened new sides in us, I realized that I could achieve more in this life and, in general, that I am strong and confident in myself. But my boyfriend opened my eyes, on the contrary, to his weaknesses, to the inability to react in difficult situations, to try to change something.
When I told him that I was leaving him, he tried to die, tried to throw himself out of the window. But then his situation was aggravated by the fact that his mother had died the day before, he was very worried, he is generally a very emotional person, he often cries, often drinks valerian, validol, he often has a bad mood, or rather, always. You know, while I was meeting with him, I thought that I did not love him, that he was not the one I dreamed of. Why did you meet? - you ask, because he was my first real boyfriend, who appeared at 23 years old. The first man, I really wanted to be "normal", "like everyone else", a girl, I wanted to know what a relationship is and threw myself into them, like into a whirlpool with her head, but immediately fell in love with me, from the first meeting.
Everything was very serious at once and it felt like we had known each other all our lives. We turned out to have the same characters, we looked in the same direction and thought the same, but for some reason this was the problem! I didn't like my own way of life, my character and I wanted my loved one to somehow change my life, myself. So that he was my opposite, and not a mirror, so that he was stronger and more active, and what I saw in my mirror annoyed me and therefore I thought that I did not love my boyfriend.
But that was not the case! I just didn’t know what love was and didn’t appreciate it and thought and analyzed too much. Now I understand that I loved him, and I love him, but somehow: not completely or what. I'm digging, something doesn't suit me again, something doesn't suit me all the time, I keep thinking that "he could have done this and that, and he didn't, which means he is not strong He loves me, which means that he will never make me happy, which means that I will always be unhappy with something and will never be “like normal people.” I compare him, some friends tell me that I do not need him, that he I’m not a man and weak. And I’m not that strong to convince myself that I will take all the difficulties on myself and solve everything. I would, I SO Think, a man of strong-willed, strong, confident and decisive.
But maybe I'm wrong ??? tell me please! Maybe? Need to love the one whom the Lord sent us, does he know better? After all, during these 2 years I have not had a single person, no matter how I tried to start a relationship. A couple of months ago, we met with him again. He took me to rest, spent his last reserves, put everything, so to speak, at stake. I missed this trip very much, on NG we met again, again crazy love, again a terrible quarrel (we always had such a relationship, sometimes cool, sometimes terrible) and so I seemed to have decided everything for myself - everything, we will be together, period ! and again his next failure and his pessimism turned me away, I did not answer his sms on Valentine's Day (is it really so pity to call and say that he loves me ??).
And now I am again worried about him, that he, how is he there, and I don’t want to call - my mother says that I should stop fooling his head: And I fool myself and do not find the answer in myself. If he came to me with flowers and made a beautiful proposal, I would agree! This is true. But he is such a person that he will never do this, he will never guess before. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Please advise how to be, to leave or to stay? Thank you so much in advance for your reply! Sincerely. Nastya
Hello, Eugene, I read your site for a long time and decided to contact me, I hope that you will help me. There is a problem in my life - I am dating a guy, and I like him, but everyone is against him: colleagues, bosses, relatives, friends. The fact is that he does not work, he is 23 years old, we have been together for 10 months, but he did not look for a job, he lives with his grandmother, she provides him. Explain to me how right are all those who persuade me to leave him, because he is unpromising, etc. And I am drawn to him. kamely
Good afternoon. Difficult situation, there will be a lot of letters. Three years ago he met a girl (she studied in another city), quit his job, everything else, moved to an unfamiliar city. They rented an apartment, settled down, began to live together, work. She is very good, intelligent, decent, loyal, well-bred, just a golden person. At first everything was fine, then money problems began. The constant lack of money, scandals little by little, her requests to improve something with money (I could not, I worked in my specialty, it is very difficult to get a job, paid a little, worked on weekends in a taxi until the morning), then interest in her began to disappear, sex did not so good, and then his absence during the week became the norm. I did not support her when it was hard for her, I began to strain on her problems and attempts to convey them to me (like all of you are in this money, happiness is not in them). Only screams, unwillingness to understand. In general, everyday life is stuck as they say. Further - more incurred.
I decided that I don't need it anymore, I got it all, I don't like it, I need to look for another one. I registered on a dating site, to be honest, more for sex, and then how it turns out, otherwise it suited me. We met there a couple of times with different ones, just walked and that's it. The girl, meanwhile, offered to live separately, to think about the situation for me and myself. I agreed, even with some kind of joy in my soul (after all, that's what I wanted). Then she found out about the site, we had a fight and broke up (the girl was in real anger after learning that I had cheated on her morally). Then we met, I explained to her that I was mistaken by going to these acquaintances, she forgave. Then a question arose inside me to myself, "Well, she is with you again, have you calmed down?" I really realized that I was calm, everything was fine again, she returned. But somehow it was mean in my soul, because I understood that it was not worth it to return, the relationship had exhausted itself. Then she said categorically no, she had a boyfriend who, in 2 weeks of simple communication, gave her a different idea of life, attitude towards her, gave her everything that she could not get from me (I'm not talking about money).
And then, something clicked inside me. I have been fighting for 3 months to get it back, I try to get it in every possible way, but in vain. I realized how stupid I was, having acted like the last idiot, that you need to listen to a person, build relationships, and not just live the way life goes on, solve problems, talk, support, give gifts, give compliments. Give a person happiness, support and accept the same. Probably, I would now rebuild everything, treat it differently, blow off dust particles from it, without any mistakes, take into account all the mistakes that I made. She loves me, I know, only she will endure this pain and survive, because she is "sick" my love and kills her. And there is no faith in me. Today I found out that they had sex (this is a very important moment in a relationship for me). First, they hit me like a butt on the head, after a few hours everything went away. We talked again and parted completely, I’m sure of that now, I don’t want to torment her, let her live her own life, be happy with him, I don’t want to interfere! Am I a cold, calculating, selfish, self-loving person? When did I become like this ?! Maybe it's my penultimate experience. Before this girl, I had a relationship with a girl for 4 years. I loved her madly, but she turned out to be not.
After a couple of years of dating, I found out that for about six months she periodically met with another guy. I found out there was a scandal, I was just shocked, she cried and begged to come back, said that she was confused and mistaken. I believed it. Six months later, she left again. Has returned. Then again, but to another and meet. I probably left for about a year. Then I could not communicate normally with the girls, I tried, but after a week, another - goodbye, I could not overcome some kind of internal attitude, I compared everything and was convinced that it was not mine, I can’t. He was recovering. Then I met her, about the one I wrote above. He was cured. As soon as I noticed that, in my opinion, I did not break through, I hardened my love immunity, I was unable to love, accept love and give, as if my heart was burned out then, I became like Gerda in a fairy tale. What happened with me?
PS I actually want a little. Love, be loved, wife, family, children, good interesting work. Like all people, simple human happiness.
Thanks for reading to the end. Zmey
Hello Eugene. I am pleased to read your newsletter. I would like to receive advice from you. I'm dating a married man. He has a wife and a child. We've been meeting for almost a year now. I understand everything that is wrong, not what I wish for myself. But I can't break it. I say not to come, not to call, I want to leave. "Yes, yes, I understand everything," he says, "I make you suffer." Not a day goes by when he calls, arrives in a car. How to break up? I am a non-conflict person, I generally cannot refuse someone. I myself understand that this is wrong, and my colleagues also use it. And it’s hard for me to ask for something, more precisely, I can’t at all. When I alone understand that this connection is wrong in all respects and it is better not to have it, but when he begins to persuade about a meeting, I become paralyzed and agree. And he says he loves, but is not worthy of me. But I, as I understand it, is what all the "married" people say. The thing is that this is not the first time I have a relationship with a married couple. And the past relationship did not make anyone happy. How to break this vicious circle?
A bit confused .. Thank you in advance for your advice. Natasha.
Hello! This problem does not concern me, but my very close friend. She has been meeting with her work colleague for 1.5 years. She is 25, he is 28. He is married and has no children. My friend is pretty, well-groomed, looks after the figure. But her relationships with men did not work out. And this guy (Vasily) immediately drew attention to her, began to drive her home, flirt with her. She did not want a relationship with him, since he is married and in general she did not really like him initially. But she wanted male attention, care ... so gradually everything came to them to relationships and sex. And now I feel that she is in some strange dependence on him. Almost immediately, they began to quarrel, he began to insult her in front of colleagues, never took her anywhere, did not give gifts, he did not take her opinion and worries into account. He did not hide the fact that he was meeting other girls. She made an attempt to leave, but he began to annoy her, called, came home, said that he wanted to leave his wife, told what a terrible wife he had and that she was insulting to his parents. The friend melted.
But after a while it all started all over again. She constantly called me in tears, practically in hysterics ... Such parting-reconciliation was repeated many times. When I tried to find out from her what attracted her to Vasily so much, she could not give an answer. She said that he was tormenting her, she was tired of all this ... but "he is not a stranger to her" !!! Then he told her that he had left his wife and was now living with his parents. But the quarrels did not stop. Constant scandals, accusations against her, insults. I stopped seeing her, stopped answering calls. She once again tried to part with him, to which he told her that she would not dare to leave him, since he left his wife because of his girlfriend. And that if she is not with him, he will take revenge on her for everything. Everyone understands that these are just words, but the friend is hysterical, afraid. Believes it. Despite her difficult morale, constant depression, and the nervous system shattered because of all this (she sleeps badly and her eyelid twitches), she cannot leave him. She is like depending on these constant humiliations ... She constantly says that she wants to part with him, but at the first pressure she gives up and everything starts all over again. Why is she acting this way? What's wrong with her and how can you help her? I'm afraid otherwise it will all drag on endlessly. Until he gets bored with this "toy".
PS She has consulted a psychologist several times, but the situation has not changed at all.
Valentine
Hello! For the first time in my life I turn to a psychologist for help, but this time I really don't have the strength, I really hope for your help. I hope that you will understand me, and perhaps give some good advice. To begin with, in a month I will be 19 years old, I live with my mother, I go to college. Now I have a lot of psychological problems (I think so) ... The main problem is my relationship with my mother. I don’t love her. And at the same time, I feel sorry for her. These are the mixed feelings. It depresses me very much, and this is my main problem. I will try to outline the situation. My mother is 50 years old, but despite her age, she sometimes understands me. My friends and girlfriends say that I was lucky with my mother, but they say that because they do not know what she really is. When I didn’t go to school yet, she beat me. Stripped to panties and sent to stand in the cold entrance. Constantly shouted at me over trifles. She disgraced me in front of her and my friends (which she does to this day). She raised me alone, I didn't even see my father in photographs. He left my pregnant mother and moved to another city.
I understand that it is difficult for her ... She does not have a beloved man, a bad job, a bad daughter ... When we fight, she presses on pity, while talking about how unlucky she is with me , that other children are much better than me, much more obedient, smarter, etc. She says that she works day and night to feed me, but forgets about herself ... After these words, I feel somehow different, that in other families everything is not so, better than ours. And I'm starting to feel sorry for my mother. She starts crying, complaining about life to herself, but out loud. My mother has not seen my tears for 6 years, I try to control myself, but I cry only alone. She tells me that I have no friends, no boyfriend, no company, that I am oppressive, cruel ... she says a lot of things ... In fact, of course, everything is not so. I have friends (she just thinks that since they don’t come to me every day, I don’t have them), I also have a boyfriend (but he is much older than me, so I don’t tell her that we are dating) ... When I spend the night with him, I tell her that I am with my friends, and after that, in the "hot" moments of quarrels, she recalls this to me, and says that I "always wander around the men", calling me a prostitute. He says that everyone has normal friends, and my friends are old, bad and everything like that. I no longer have the strength to listen to her drunken cries to the sound of breaking dishes ... I wrote to you because I was tired. I feel that depression will come soon. With my studies, everything is bad at the moment, with my mother too, my health is generally terrible, my boyfriend cheated on me, my financial situation leaves much to be desired .... It remains to hope for your help. Thank you so much in advance! Best regards, Svetlana
Hello, dear psychologists! My problem is how to phrase it more clearly, in a negative attitude towards dating. Rather, I really want a family, a loving and beloved husband, children, but: .. if it comes to a new acquaintance, a date - then I experience negative feelings - it can be fear, and negative feelings, sometimes even some kind of aggression relation to a person, i.e. to the man I'm going on my first date with. Negativeness and fear happens, lies in the fact that I am afraid once again to be disappointed in a potential chosen one, that he will turn out to be "not that". Moreover, the negative, as I noticed, arises only when I am directed, after reading various kinds of advice or by myself, looking for a partner, companion, husband. Whether it's dating via the Internet, or any kind of it, as different publications like to advise - dating evenings - in a word, everything related to "targeted search for a partner." Although I communicate with familiar men via the Internet without experiencing negativity, I also do not experience anything bad when acquaintance happens by chance.
I don’t understand what my attitude is connected with, in the company of men I have always felt very comfortable and I still feel. I am considered beautiful and sexy. Many people want to meet with me when I communicate with someone, and I: .. I'm afraid of something, some kind of disappointment or myself or a partner. I was advised to communicate more with a large number of men in order to choose from this number. But:. The more I communicate, the more I get disappointed, and the more negative. I also realized that you can't find a decent person on dating sites. It should be noted that I went through an unsuccessful marriage, the man turned out to be a pathological liar. But I realized my mistakes with marriage, I realized that I had overlooked the potential chosen one, so as not to repeat such mistakes more. As a child, my parents often called me stupid, if I did not agree with them on something, they scared me that my life would not work out.
Mom often said that "without my mother it will be very bad for me", I must obey her in everything, but at the same time I must be independent in everything. I'm 30, and my mother is still trying to get into my life, if I don't allow it, she takes offense and repeats her favorite phrase: "I will feel very bad without my mother." And one more thing, it seems to me that I have something strange with self-esteem: then it is too high - I think that I deserve the best in the world, that I am right in everything, and sometimes it happens that I think something terrible about myself, that I am not capable of anything, I begin to feel sorry for myself. "You are as aggressive as you are charming, as tyrannical as you are vulnerable:", as they once said, exactly about me. These are the contradictions. I have brought these facts to make it clearer. Maybe it's them? Help me figure it out, please. Thank you in advance. Regards, Lilia
Hello. My husband is married for the second time. His ex-wife was the first pure and sincere love. And I know that he was willing to do anything for their family good. But after about half a year, he understood her real essence. She did not work, walked, cheated and constantly pointed out that he was not worthy of her. They've divorced. But the situation is difficult because they have a child. My husband is madly in love with him. But now, when he married a second time, she does not allow to see him at all, for almost two years now. He never starts talking about his son, but I always see when he thinks about him and misses him. And I, after him, worry that his past will always torment us. And I want to create a strong friendly family in which there will always be peace and balance. And I am also tormented by such a thing, perhaps the most important one, the boy is very handsome, such children are born of great sincere love. I understand that everything is in the past, but when I see his son, I can imagine how much he was in love with her. I know that he loves me, but such feelings as for her, he will never be able to experience for me. I'm sure. In the future, we are planning children, but I am afraid, no matter how smooth everything goes, his first son will remain the most important and beloved person in his life for him. This means that he will always think about her and remember the past. Flura
Hello, I'm 21 years old. My problem is that I hate my life. I don't feel like going home. I hate my family and friends, I hate my husband. I often imagine myself dropping everything and leaving where my eyes look, or dying and lying in the cemetery where there is silence and tranquility. There are a lot of problems in my family. I hate my husband, because he is a very rude person, he constantly shouts at me, insults me, not a day goes by that I would not hear mountains of mate in my direction. Moreover, he does not drink, does not smoke, graduated from the institute with honors, never cheated on me, and there was not even a reason, everything seemed to be fine, but there was no mutual understanding. If he asks me for something, then this is not a request, but an order like "hear you, I said I went to do it" I became very withdrawn, because of this, I practically stopped communicating with him, there is almost no sex life either, and I do nothing good for him do not want. Because of this, scandals again, that is, a vicious circle turns out.
The second problem is my relatives. We live in an apartment in every way I, my husband, my daughter, brother, mom, dad, grandmother. Like spiders in a jar. Due to the fact that I study in the daytime, my mother sits with my daughter during my studies, my mother does not work and has never worked, she devoted her whole life to family and home, never went anywhere, she had no friends. Every day I hear from her that I am doing everything wrong (with regards to the child), feeding in the wrong way, putting me to bed in the wrong way, and so on. If the child cries in the evening, then the mother bursts into the room, a scandal begins, shouts that we give the child to her, that she will better put her to bed, and so on. Naturally, the husband begins to kick her out, says that she would lag behind us, and so on. Then she has a heart, nerves and the like. My father looks reproachfully, she starts to play on my nerves. And so every day.
Once I noticed that my mother began to call my daughter, daughter. Sometimes she tells me directly that this is her child. If I am not at home, she does not give my husband a child, she says that he doesn’t know how to do it. I come home again with a scandal that, like, the child was playing in the arena, and my husband was watching a movie, that like they don’t sit like that, you have to keep her all the time either in your arms or near you. Naturally, the child grows up very capricious and nervous from all this, he cannot sit alone for a minute to play, does not even let me go to the toilet. And if she doesn't cry, then my mother comes running and starts yelling that I have left again, gone to the toilet.
My brother has also become very nervous since my grandmother moved to live with us, he is 23 years old, he lives in the same room with my mother, he constantly freaks out that he does not have his own corner, there is always someone sitting in his room, his father sleeps in the kitchen, that is, you can't sit on it either, you can't drink tea alone.
Grandma also annoys everyone, especially my mother, because she doesn't do anything, sleeps all day, although she's not sick with anything, she's like an amoeba all her life. Because of all this, I don't want to go home at all, everything annoys me, I understand that I have to look for another place to live (because when my husband and child and I are alone, for example, we walk in the park or in the country, he is a completely different person, affectionate and calm, does not shout or yell obscenities). Tell me what can be done in this situation without changing the living space?
Valeria
Hello! Few have done as much effort to change their lives as I have. She changed her place of residence, profession, work. I have always been purposeful and active. She believed that my life was in my hands. But ... now I understand: there is destiny, you can make a lot of efforts, but nothing will change if it is not given. I escaped from the town, where almost everyone drank themselves, the interests of the people there are zero. And I wanted so much, it seemed to me that I could turn the world upside down. I went to a new profession, started from scratch. But in the end, it is unlikely to buy an apartment alone without rear services. How many attempts I made to meet a good man: I sat on dating sites, I actively knocked on Asya, I was never a homebody, I was always open to communication. Outwardly, God did not offend, but ... Now she remains like an old woman at a broken trough. From an optimist turned into, do not understand what. No effort has been successful. 36 years old, no family, no apartment, no children, a new boss came to work, who hates me, does not respect me, even belittled me in duties. And in the yard - a crisis, there are almost no vacancies in my field, but I have to pay for a rented apartment. Life has reached a dead end. If I had been lazy and not purposeful before, it would have been a logical outcome of a broken life. And not a single person from my environment did so many actions in his life as I did. Life does not make me happy, more and more often I have dreams that there is no need to live. Return to your drinking city and work like a secretary for 7 thousand and bury the hope that you can find a normal man at my age? That's the whole perspective. If you write about abroad - so where to get this prYnets. After all, I also knocked on Skype for foreigners (Europeans) - no result. Go on vacation? Well, we rested for a long time in the new year, and then returned to reality. Zarina.
Hello, I am 33 years old. I have such a problem, please give some advice on how to at least start in order to get rid of it forever. I am very fussy / sloppy / petty and sloppy. I don’t even know what to call this condition more accurately. On the one hand, I love and know how to clean up, but on the other, when I wash / clean something, there remains a feeling of "worn out" / washed out / washed out to such an extent that it even calls out disgust. My movements are very vain: I have repeatedly heard such phrases addressed to me as "you somehow do everything ..." and a grimace of disgust on my face. Perhaps it's greed: I somehow always try to tear off a smaller piece of paper, write somewhere in a corner, save something (???) or laziness: I don't finish things a little. When I sew: there is always not enough fabric for the folds, no matter how much I do. I can’t calculate anything for sure (money / food): I seem to take it with a margin, but in fact it’s not enough.
Constantly picking my face / biting my nails / pulling my hair. Always some kind of unkempt goofy. The clothes are unkempt. It seems that I should start with this - for several days I can even take care of myself, but then I slide down again. But I can still track the external accuracy, but I can't even catch the behavior that causes disgust and disgust in order to analyze: here on the train she folded / folded a jacket (at first she was unfolding something, then she remembered that there was something in her pocket I forgot ...), until finally a friend pulled her out of her hands and with irritation said that enough is enough already "you do everything somehow ...." and again a grimace of disgust. What is this state called and how to deal with it (I don’t think that I’m the only one on Earth)? Maybe I wrote it chaotically, but I don’t even understand how to express it in words. Gulsum.
Hello, I am 26 years old, married, have a child. I can not cope with constant - to cyclical - depression. Most often associated with the thought "I can’t do anything!" By nature, I am a very interested person, I have many acquaintances, many of whom I infected with my ideas, my hobbies, my occupation. EVERYONE (!) To the last one considers me to be an outstanding and creative person, and I think that from my work - just zilch! So, student fun, not pretending to be serious and deep. I went in for sports - I did not achieve anything, I wrote stories - I did not publish, poetry and songs - the same story. He worked for 5 years in an unloved job for an important discount - he bought an apartment for his child, but during this time he became dull and lost his qualifications. For 5 years I have not experienced any personnel rotation, the nature of my work and the environment has not changed. Now I am trying to launch my business in several directions, but I am haunted by a panic of ruin.
I don’t leave work, tk. now it's scary that I won't find a new one, but here I have a very decent salary with minimal labor costs. At the same time, I have 2 diplomas, knowledge of English, German, Chinese, Italian. languages - and the thought "nobody needs you and can do nothing!" In my opinion, spravedlivaya. Since my wife is practically my first and only woman, the idiotic thought "you won't have anyone else!" Well, for God's sake! no more! But I can't get rid of it, and mentally I experience sex with almost every (!) Pretty woman within sight. In personal communication, I notice sympathy, but the thought: "you will never be able to meet and seduce anyone" still gnaws at the brain. In the end, I have: "you have not achieved success in anything in your life" in many directions, which constantly oppresses me ... And the most offensive thing is that the thoughts are far-fetched. The other person may be proud of what I have achieved (if achieved?), But I continue to consider myself the greatest failure. From this, complexes in communication are born (I cannot ask for a vacation due to me at work! I really cannot! And in general I can not ask for anything), isolation, and therefore a loss of harmony in family communication; anger at others (when I walk down the street, I ALWAYS! it seems that those around me are discussing me behind my back), at myself; apathy for any activity; and very terrible for me - envy. I have always thought that very stupid people are jealous. And recently I began to notice this for myself! Who is jealous of something stranger and is not worthy of his own. And from the fact that I suddenly, too, fall into it, I just began to hate myself.
If I used to rejoice at the successes of my acquaintances, now I envy - it's terrible! Maybe because ALL (!) Of my acquaintances are childless, familyless and younger than me (either still students, or have just graduated), their lifestyle is with a lot of free time and constant events against the background of my gray immersion in work and caring for a child once again reminds me of my failures, that I could not correctly plan my life, and time swallowed me up, and not vice versa. I never tell anyone about my problems, since acquaintances will not appreciate (I am the locomotive, the driving force and the wisdom of the team), the wife of the bank (she has enough of her young mother's problems), there are no "senior" mentors. I wait until they accumulate and pour out in the form of a devastating depression with escaping and idiotic thoughts. Before, for me, the measure of happiness was calmness. It was achieved by a simple conclusion, they say, no matter how the boss yelled at me, he did not take me out of mental equilibrium => I am calm => I am happy. Well, against this background, I wanted public recognition. Success is now becoming the yardstick. In this regard, I have nothing to brag about (or I cannot force myself to believe that this is already a success), and for months I am in a terrible mood, I do not communicate with anyone and I do not want anything. Vadim
Hello Eugene!
Please help, I'm 31 years old, I just can't get into a relationship. I cannot understand what is wrong with me. The man I loved very much didn't want me. Another, (we went to school together, but did not see each other after graduation), with whom I could have been, for six months of Internet correspondence did not dare to meet with me (meetings were scheduled more than once and broke down). I am smart, beautiful, kind. I'm being looked after, but I don't like any of them. I tried, but it doesn't work. I no longer wait for a person with whom I could always be, but I can’t even have a lover, I almost don’t feel anything. I've tried with several people, but I don't even like kissing. I have not seen my beloved (we have known each other for 4 years) for a year, probably, we will not see each other again, he did not answer calls and SMS, nothing special, just a Happy New Year, after all, we were friends.
How can I find a man who I like, at least physically. I am mortally lonely. I have many acquaintances of young people, but I very rarely like someone (and those who might like it have girls). I start dating, go on 2-3 dates, and I just get bored. Although objectively they are all good. It does not come to intimate relationships. I've never had anything with anyone. I don't want to sleep alone anymore.
I have no excessive requirements, I just need a close friend, my man. Why are they abandoning me? I do not press, I do not ask for anything, I do not impose. Why those who are dear to me do not even want to communicate with me. I don't want to be left alone for the rest of my life. I'm very tired.
Veronica
Hello!
I'm tired. I'm tired of myself. Now I am analyzing our relationship with my husband, I have been married for 10 years, and I understand that, in fact, all the problems are created only by me. I am always not satisfied with everything, I constantly wind myself up, coming up with problems sometimes from scratch. I brought myself to neurasthenia.
I must say that my man is also not easy. I often catch him in a lie, and all why, because he has no confidence that I will understand him. And I would like to be his friend. I love him very much, and he love me too, but I'm tired of it. I would like to be simpler, to treat everything positively, not to cheat.
Very often I want to leave him, because there are many complaints, but I understand that the problem is in me. It will be even worse with another man.
How to change this stupid character? Where to begin?
Thank you!
Oksana
Hello.
I read-read your site, and decided to write it myself. Although I understand that in the overwhelming majority of cases, an episodic correspondence consultation can hardly change anything. So. The problem is probably wide enough, but let's try to limit it to the following: I am a 37-year-old single man with extremely low self-esteem. Not having any objective reasons for this (not stupid, cute, educated), nevertheless, he drove himself into the most severe social isolation: it is very difficult for me to come into contact with people, friends or just friends (and girlfriends) I have practically no At work, the relationship is delicate and polite, but exclusively in the business plane. I am guilty myself (I call this the demon of loneliness that lives in my soul): I avoid people, I gently ignore all sporadic attempts to establish any informal contacts with me.
It's outside.
Now from the inside: being among people, I cannot get rid of the instinctive feeling of my insignificance; I look at everyone from the bottom up and constantly expect a blow, some kind of public exposure of me that I am not the right person. Outwardly, this hardly manifests itself; rather, I can even behave a little arrogantly or arrogantly. Well, a self-defense reaction. But, of course, you cannot fool yourself. I suppose that the problem was formed as a result of a secluded childhood and the most severe control by parents, as a result of which I was always at a great distance from peers. Plus the vulnerability and impressionability of nature. I am familiar with the idea that this can be treated with practice: you need to go to people, start communicating with them. In short, to take the most difficult first step. I tried it.
In practice, it turned out that the first step is by no means the most difficult. When you get to people who are ready to accept you, you find yourself in a situation where everything is in order - you can be equal among equals. But then it starts to go crazy. The state is close to panic, the thought process stops, you cannot squeeze words out of yourself, you keep silent about appeals or suddenly give birth to some kind of stupidity bordering on rudeness. Well, stuff like trembling in the hands. I think it's not hard to guess the role of women in this situation - a catalyst that multiplies the effect. In his student years, even after a couple of glasses, this effect was somehow removed, but now even vodka is not able to cope with nervous tension. Therefore, I stopped practicing.
One more thing. If by some miracle the relationship with an individual person - or rather, in this case, a woman - begins to develop successfully (she shows consistent interest, filters the sharp corners of my behavior), then after a short period with a slight aftertaste of euphoria, I have an attack of depression, so for weeks two. The attack is well argued: why is it necessary? she is married (or vice versa, young and clean)! do not spoil her life! I'm not the one! I can't give her what I owe! ..
Well, basically a classic. Needless to say, after these two weeks, the partner (with whom the relationship is barely planned!) Hardly has a desire to say "hello" in the morning at all. Then, of course, you regret. Yes, in fact, from the very beginning you know that you will regret. But doesn't the schizophrenic regret being schizophrenic? What's the use? As I understand it, depression is an instinctive attempt to defend against a threat. And the threat is that sooner or later I (in the case of a successful relationship with a woman) will have to publicly demonstrate my successes in front of society, from which I expect ridicule and contempt. Something akin to the fear of dressing smartly.
From the outside, of course, it's very funny to watch yourself. "All this would be funny ..." Infantilism, nonsense and naivety. No argument stands up to scrutiny. But, alas, this mechanic works exclusively on a reflex level, and I am not in a position to argue with these involuntary reactions.
What will science say?
Like most others,
Gleb
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