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True love is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev

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Only he who knows himself can love wisely.
Only he is given to measure the work on the shoulder.
Leonardo Da Vinci

Unrequited love is as different from mutual love as delusion is from truth.
J. Sand.

Love only makes sense when it is mutual.
Leonardo Felice Buscaglia

Compatible love, it is also true love

In order for the story of true love to turn out to be detailed, it is better to start it with a description of what is fake love?

It is often possible to hear and read in a variety of guides for arranging family life that love is the work of preserving feelings, maintaining them and possibly improving them throughout life. If you do not throw firewood into the stove, do not stir them up, the fire will go out.

A positive couple in love, at the peak of their vivid experiences, decides to create a family, because it is so great for them to be together. They understand each other at a glance, from half a glance, joy over the edge, confidence that this will last forever. But three years later, when the children were already born, they acquired housing and a car, falling in love as it should be evolution passed. And in the same apartment, in the same bed, two strangers and uninteresting to each other find themselves , but since they are positive people, they begin to search for and read literature: "How to keep love" , Honeymoon for life, let's start all over again. .

More about "fake love": Psychotherapy of family relationships.

"Fake love" or "strong-willed love", or rather a contractual relationship, is the building of positive relationships in a couple who, in varying degrees, strive for love in their manifestations, but are inferior in quality to it. This is a conscious, volitional regulation, building relationships, the ability to get along, a habit from "marriage-survival" to "marriage-development." This is what family counseling, pop psychology, religion does.

An illustrative example of "fake love" is the theory "Five languages of love" by Gary Chapman . To put it briefly, he proposes to build relationships on even days as the husband wants, on odd days as the wife wants. One day the partner lives his own life, the second adjusts, the next day they change roles.

... the curious reader will find other similar books: "Five languages of love - how to communicate correctly in marriage", "How to maintain a successful marriage - the rules of the game in love", "The secret of a wonderful relationship: direct transformation". It is surprising, however, that this does not increase the number of happy marriages. That all this contributes to the preservation of good relations, no one disputes. But, on the contrary, no one will believe that love is a prerequisite for these five factors and their indispensable condition.
Richard David Precht - philosopher and writer

Of course, there are other forms of "fake love", but:

Love as mutual sexual satisfaction or love as "well-coordinated work" and a refuge from loneliness are two "normal" forms of pseudo-love in modern Western society, social models of the pathology of love.
E. Fromm

"Fake love" must be supported and consciously protected in order for it to last longer, and true love is the best combination of two selves, when the most positive effect is manifested without the slightest conscious effort of each in a couple.

The ancient Greeks even had several special terms to characterize relationships similar to true love: storge - understanding, guardianship, patronage; ennoya - giving; haris - gratitude and respect; pragma - a choice based on awareness and self-determination, etc.

Fake love is certainly better than cold, growing alienation, quarrels, but certainly less valuable than natural, real natural love . This is also how a ring with a gemstone differs from a variety of fakes, although it happens that it is difficult for an inexperienced person from the outside to distinguish them.

And in this chapter we will take a closer look at the analogy of "true love" with compatible.

The concept of "compatible love" emphasizes two features of this feeling: true natural love can only be mutual , joint and compatibility as a way to achieve this feeling.

Compatible love is a movement from pragma to philia - the achievement of feelings through a conscious choice. In the pragma, the primary is the decision to create a harmonious union, and the feeling that arises in it is like an inevitable, desired reality. If earlier pragma was the lot of the mature, when experienced people through their own mistakes, experience entered into a reliable pragmatic union. But modern psychological knowledge allows any person, regardless of age, to determine the quality of future relationships, even before they meet. And, naturally, choose the best.

Interestingly, the closer we get to the 21st century, the more signs that we are becoming less romantic and more practical, the same can be attributed to marriage. The old practice of matchmaking is back in vogue.
Constance Arons, Professor of Sociology, Psychiatrist (USA)

In Central Asia, there are people who are called "pushing happiness", or "discovering happiness", in our country, they are called matchmakers. The main task of a matchmaker is not just to convince a man that he will be happy with this woman, but to be able to determine which people will be happy in marriage and only then proceed to explanations and persuasions. Matchmakers, as a rule, are experienced women, good psychologists with subtle intuition, who are able to see in a young man and a girl those traits that, when combined, will give a strong, loving union - true love.
It often happened that the choice offered by the matchmaker initially caused disappointment in young people, but the subsequent life together led to the development of full-fledged, true love, satisfaction.
In the second half of the twentieth century, when the choice of whom to love, with whom to start a family began to belong entirely to young people instead of the expected general family happiness, the effect was completely opposite, there were more problems and tragedies than when the choice for young people was made by adults people. This led to the fact that the very institution of the family was in question of survival, legal marriages began to be ousted by surrogates - civil, guest marriages.

Stockholm ranks first in Europe in terms of the number of people living alone - about 70% of the capital's population. This figure is so high because often spouses prefer to live each in their own apartment.

Matchmakers often made their choice intuitively, not even always being able to explain why this young man and this girl would have a family love .
Let's clarify in more detail what compatibility is - mutual acceptance based on the optimal combination (similarity or complementarity) of interests, motives, needs, characters, temperaments, pace and rhythm of psychophysiological reactions, etc. The partners have a high direct satisfaction not only the result, but most importantly the process of interaction, when each of them was at the height of the requirements of the other and no special efforts were required to establish mutual understanding. At all stages of interaction, there is confidence in the favorable outcome of future contacts, their predictability and desirability.
Already Homer said in the Odyssey: "God always leads like to like." The 11th century philosopher Ibn Hazm wrote in his love treatise "The Necklace of the Dove": "The like usually calls for the like, and like trusts like." Therefore, he believed, "agreement between like and attraction to like" gives rise to true love . Such a "kinship of souls" leads to a "fusion of souls," and this love "has no end except with death."
But the philosopher A. Schopenhauer said: "Only opposites converge, only the poles gravitate towards each other: this is the law of nature and the main support of human closeness."
And everyday sages are contradictory: "Vasya and Katya are so different, they complement each other so well, therefore, they are happy. There is no difference, there is no love. So you look for your opposite." Another option: "Vanya and Nina are made from the same dough, and everything is so nice with them, the joy is the same. So you look for what you yourself are made of."
From a letter to the Club. "I thought a lot, observed life, I wanted to understand what a husband and wife should be like so that they feel good together. There is an opinion that opposites attract. I think differently. I believe that a husband and wife should be similar in order to understand each other, sympathize with each other, and not just put up with each other. Let both be bad, albeit too average or too extreme, but to be similar. My trouble is that I realized this too late. I experienced myself what it means, when husband and wife are very different from each other in interests and character.
And therefore, different people will each strive for something different ... People who are similar get pleasure from the same thing, and in them all good develops better to its limits. The more in common between people by nature, the better they understand each other and the better the conditions for everyone will be.
Personally, my life did not turn out very well, we do not find a common language with my husband, we do not understand each other, although we live in the 14th year. He is drawn to the team or he leaves, or he brings the whole company home. I love silence, home comfort I read a lot, analyze, compare, try to find a common language, but I just can't do it. ”Vera

This opinion is shared by M. Tsvetaeva
Do not love, rich, - poor,
Don't Love, Scientist. - stupid,
Do not love, ruddy, - pale,
Do not love, good, - harmful,
Gold, - a copper half.

There are observers who base their logic on other signs: "Blondes with light eyes are more often, happy with fair-haired and light-eyed, and brunettes more often marry brunettes than blondes ..." There are other options for compatibility.
The British in this matter are betting on humor: "Do not marry a girl if she does not laugh at something funny to you."

An effective method for identifying a person's individuality is jokes. This method was used by Pythagoras. When deciding whether to accept a person into his school, he began to make fun of him and, according to the reactions of whether or not to take, was determined.

Paul Geraldi believes: "You need to have something in common in order to understand each other, and something different in order to love each other." But socionics, the section of psychologists dealing with the study of compatibility, already from a scientific point of view explains, for the best relationship, which psychological functions should be similar, and which polarity. But first, let us clarify in more detail what psychology considers compatibility - mutual acceptance based on the optimal combination (similarity or complementarity) of interests, motives, needs, characters, temperaments, pace and rhythm of psychophysiological reactions, etc. and most importantly, the process of interaction, when each of them was at the height of the requirements of the other and no special efforts were required to establish mutual understanding. At all stages of interaction, there is confidence in the favorable outcome of future contacts, their predictability and desirability.

Germany is the leader among civilized countries in the number of marriages created with the help of an artificial form of dating - marriage offices, every sixth marriage.

Compatibility - incompatibility

Duality is the highest reward of the creator, for only in the relationship of duals is everything necessary to give them the harmony of perfection.
Psychologist O.B. Slinko

There are as many similarities between two people as between two completely different animals.
Salvador Dali

happy family

Already in ancient times, astrologers predicted that people born under the signs of the zodiac of the same element converge well with each other, and under different ones worse, but astrology did not give answers to all questions of human compatibility.
In the published diary of one of our astronauts, there is concern about the problem of psychological compatibility of two people who have to communicate closely with each other for weeks or months. When preparing for long flights, at the dawn of cosmonautics, married couples were taken to the cosmonaut corps so that in a many-month flight, they could lead a normal, natural sex life. We recruited a group of spouses: the main crew, stand-ins, began a months-long experiment, isolated from the outside world of the work of the spouses - astronauts, which emits a space flight.
Long before the completion of the flight mission, the spouses - cosmonauts and the main and backup crews ask to withdraw them from the experiment. After that, they get divorced, leave the cosmonauts and disperse to different cities. The limited space of the orbital station brings the spouses so close that most interpersonal problems are aggravated to the level of intolerance, the same incompatibility factors, if the spouses live for long years under normal conditions, might not work, with such drama and doom.
Flight management, thus destroying several families, finding the compatibility of spouses a task too difficult, decided to limit themselves to the methods that are provided in the submarine fleet during many months of voyages.

A friend is such a person with whom I can be sincere. In his presence, I can think out loud.
R. Emerson

Something similar happened from an advertising campaign organized by the Moscow School of Survival. It was suggested that those submitting an application for marriage registration to the registry office to pass the tests by Robinson, that is, to live on an uninhabited island with a minimum of food and comfort. There were a lot of people willing to participate in the experiment, but the result was discouraging - 40% of the participants took their applications from the registry office after the test. The management considered that this was an unsuccessful form of advertising for the survival school and Robinson and stopped working with applicants for family life.

From a letter to the Club. “...... I've been married for 9 years, we had different things in our relationship, of course, but I almost always felt that my husband loved me. We have no children and probably will no longer be ... And recently, for about a year, my eyes began to open like eyes to my life, to the person who is next to me ... all the problems, or rather the reason for their explanation, I finally understood..... I realized that this was not the person I needed at all. Next to him, I have to be constantly different, not natural ... it makes me hard, I get tired more and more, I feel very bad. If I behave by myself, my relationship with my husband deteriorates, my husband's reproaches and conflicts begin. And as soon as I switch to the mode of behavior that I was leading even before marriage and in the first years of life together everything is getting better, harmony comes in the relationship. I don't even know which is worse: the cause of the conflict or its awareness. Elvira.

The most detailed aspects from the best compatibility to complete incompatibility have been developed in socionics today.

"Socionics of love"

Socionics is a science that makes it possible to predict the behavior and style of human activity, the collective and society as a whole, to determine the compatibility of people in the family and business, and to form groups of like-minded people on the basis of natural psychological, informational, ideological and business compatibility. Socionics was recognized as a discovery by the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences (RANS), and its creator, the Lithuanian psychologist Aushra Augustinavichiute, was awarded a diploma of discovery and a medal named after V.I. P. L. Kapitsa.
Socionics arose on the basis of the teachings of Carl Gustav Jung on psychological personality types as a theory about the difference in information processing by the human psyche. Aushra Augustinavichiute in her work "Theory of intertype relationships" (1982), on the basis of an enlarged approach to Jung's theory, created a "model A" capable of predicting what will be from combinations of 16 psychological types formed from four independent dichotomies: extroversion - introversion, intuition - sensing, thinking - emotions, rationality - irrationality. The socionic type is a "frame of mind" formed by these psychological functions, unchanged throughout life. The functions of rationality - irrationality are innate, the base of the rest is formed in children under 5 years old under the influence of the closest parent, most often the mother, and then replenished: education, further influence of the family, society and many other factors, thanks to which each person becomes a unique personality.

A unique monument to his wife, Anna Grigorievna, was left by FM Dostoevsky - a whole volume of amazing letters to her from "an eternally in love husband". Having married a second time to a young stenographer Anechka Snitkina, the writer, scorched by life, did not really hope for happiness (the age difference was huge). They turned out to be the perfect couple, primarily because they complemented each other perfectly.

There are no good or bad types, but there are good or bad relationships between people due to the compatibility or incompatibility of their types, so socionics teaches, and suggests mutual exclusions, the best for the case where these types collide: if at work - workers, if in the family - family.
According to this model (and, most importantly, the practice of life), people feel satisfactory when they find a corresponding opposite pole that complements their own. A person by himself cannot be harmonious, says Augustinavichiute, he is harmonious only when paired with a dual that exactly complements him. Marriage is not only a mental - sexual partnership, it is a mental extension of your personality. The trouble is, if the choice is extremely narrowed, or the time to get married has ripened so much that a sexual rebellion of the flesh can break any reasonable approaches, and a person may forever lose the best dual for him. But people with a dualized psyche get sick less, recover faster, live longer, have more full-fledged children.
Twenty-four centuries ago, Plato created the first theory of the philosophy of love in human culture, in which he explained the essence of love, in her role as "corrector of human nature", "healing flaws and their compensation." For many centuries this idea was in the form of one of the most beautiful metaphors, moreover, hardly noticeable in comparison with other loud and sonorous ones. And only A. Augustinavichyute, through her "model A" , explained in detail the content and details of the "flaws of human nature",

And without the addition, i.e. non-dualized, a person is a restless, spiritually hungry being, having no idea what the essence of his hunger is and who is to blame. He feels that he is "not understood", but who is to blame for this - himself, his "difficult childhood", spouse or society - is not sure. In such a state, it is difficult to live in peace with all the pestilence, all kinds of conflicts, contradictions, and unreasonable aggressiveness are piled up. A person is drawn to others for an answer and often becomes even more confused in their relationships. It is difficult to find what you need if favorable conditions and a suitable microenvironment have not developed by themselves.
What gives a person a mental supplement. A. Augustinavichiute

When I am loved, I no longer need to endlessly think about myself. After all, I'm sure of myself. I am free and can do something else. True love always gives freedom.
Gary Chapman "Five languages of love"

how and in what combination during dualization this reimbursement and healing occurs.

Socionics , "model A" clarify, clarify, and therefore develop the expression of the already mentioned Ibn Hazm: "... the gravitation of similar souls, causeless and therefore eternal love."

In the now classic work of David Myers "Social Psychology" he writes that it is extremely important for any person to find a kindred spirit, whom we can trust, who will appreciate us for who we are.

The dictionary of the Spanish Royal Academy specifically indicates the most important sign and source of love "... an intense feeling of a human being, which, starting from its own insufficiency, feels the need and seeks to meet and unite with another being."

"Similar souls" is a synonym for duals, and their gravitation is not at all unreasonable, but due to complementarity (protection, compensation, support), due to which there is a mental expansion of the personality, and more specifically: personal and social harmonization, leading to "eternal love". An interesting and vivid example of how the wisdom of the ancients is explained by modern research.

Anyone can recognize their own (partner, or at least someone) weak, they are also "flaws of human nature", and strong functions from " Descriptions of Socionic Types by Functions and Aspects of Model A ". A person has a weak point - a natural flaw, the fourth painful function, the sixth activation, the strongest - the first program function, the seventh observational. Interestingly and clearly, all the details of these and other socionic functions are described in the book by E. Gorenko, V. Tolstikov "The nature of one's own" I ". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Even Socrates raised the question of who it is better to be with: with a similar one - which provides the best mutual understanding, or with someone who is different from me - when the strengths of one complement the weaknesses of the other.
This question - a hypothesis was repeatedly puzzled in the future, so S. Zweig: "A successful combination of opposites is the most favorable condition for harmony (in marriage)." But abstractness and uncertainty make them unsuitable for practical use.
But A. Augustinavichiute explained in detail and clearly which mental functions in a pair should form the opposite, which similarities, their number, how to define and use it in real life. It is this combination that ensures the emergence and development of natural love.

To designate a similar, highest form of sexual love, V.S. Soloviev uses the concept of syzygy, which means "combination" in Greek. This word was used in the era of late antiquity to denote such a conjugation between a man and a woman, which is the basis of a strong marriage union.

V.S. Soloviev in his works emphasized the key importance of compatibility in love. In his work The Meaning of Love, formulating the task of love, he says that it consists in “justifying in practice the meaning of love, which is initially given only in feeling; such a combination of these two limited beings is required, which would create one absolute ideal personality out of them".

Sixteen Jungian psychotypes in socionics are called: Don Quixote, Dumas, Hugo, Robespierre, Hamlet, Maxim, Zhukov, Yesenin, Napoleon, Balzac, Jack, Dreiser, Stirlitz, Dostoevsky, Huxley, Gabin. The names of the types were chosen according to the type of the most famous outstanding people or literary heroes. There are several versions of type names, but they all refer to the same 16 types.

Table of relations between A. Augustinavichiute's sociotypes.

Of course, you can rely on socionics, but only in order to immediately take the next step towards, towards, the truth, which, stems from extensive statistics and is verified, again only by practice.
Below, as an example, there are descriptions characterizing the best - dual, in which the highest probability of the existence of true love and the worst - conflicting intertype relationships in which true love is impossible.
Duals are the best of human relationships (O. Slinko)
The strongest, creative side of one of the duals finds a grateful response from the other, who just needs frequent strong stimuli in the relevant aspects. Bold judgments and original humor, the principles and programs of the dual serve as vital support; on the other hand, acceptance and understanding is needed by a partner who is competent in these matters. Confidence is combined with nobility and generosity, and the dual can fully rely on a partner and entrust his defenseless side to him.

Friendship doubles joys and halves sorrows.
F. Bacon

Paul and Linda McCartney

The way the dual manifests itself, its natural way of being in the world, suits to the highest degree, it is pleasant and it serves as an inexhaustible source of constant sympathy for the dual, its incredible attractiveness. Only the dual is able to create such an environment (and he cannot otherwise, for him it is natural, like breathing), in which the second dual can feel comfortable and joyful, since it is to such an atmosphere that he strives as an ideal. Sometimes exactingness is also possible (in terms of the fullest approximation to this ideal), which the dual takes calmly, checks for adequacy, and if the partner is right, he gladly obeys.
Dual has flaws and even cute; they are, moreover, easy to cope with. So, any person in communication brings to the fore the qualities that are not truly strong for him, and therefore beautiful, but only the dual is inherent in the ability with a powerful and at the same time reasonable influence, often with humor, to suppress inappropriate manifestations of his partner precisely in the appropriate questions.
Dual is the first defender. He comes to the rescue in a situation where a partner is wounded, confused, and he, if he is nearby, induces an atmosphere where such painful things are generally impossible. Moreover, the dual to a certain extent transfers to the partner his ability to behave in appropriate situations and thus instills in him a sense of security, increases his social immunity. The dual is not able to seriously offend the dual, he always follows the capricious demands of the partner on aspects that are painful for the latter, and at the same time, gently pushes them to their correct awareness.
Duality is such an interesting phenomenon that several articles have been devoted to it.

About dual relationships, team. All articles

Duality is a vital necessity. A. Grechinsky, T. Pedan.

Ode to dual contact. Shulman

Disappointed in duality. Pushkarev

Love is, perhaps, the highest attempt of nature to take an individual out of his narrow framework and bring him closer to another.
H. Ortega and Gasset

And the best description of love in a dual pair in all fiction was made by L.N. Tolstoy in War and Peace.

Natasha Rostova and Pierre Bezukhov. Examples of true love. E. Pushkarev

Socionic psychotypes:
Natasha Rostova - sensory-ethical extravert SEE - ESFP - Napoleon
Pierre Bezukhov - an intuitive-logical introvert OR - INTP - Balzac
Andrey Bolkonsky - ethical-intuitive extrovert EIE - ENFJ - Hamlet

L. N. Tolstoy is not only the greatest psychologist, but also a psychoanalyst and a psychotherapist among novelists, he brings to us the originality of such emotional reactions that, without the psychological depth of his approach, would hardly have been revealed at all, they are deeply human and play an essential role in the behavior of a person in the whole. L.N. Tolstoy penetrates deep into the psychic nature of man, reveals the motives that latently drive his actions, thereby revealing its secrets. Moreover, L.N. Tolstoy not only describes in detail the family love of Pierre and Natasha, he also told about all the loves that preceded it.

Pierre's love for Natasha arose even when Natasha's romance with Andrei Bolkonsky, who was his best friend, was in full swing. Pierre was jealous of Andrei, moreover, he was married to the beautiful Helene. After that, many dramatic and tragic events take place, the war of 1812, Pierre is captured by the French and awaits execution, A. Bolkonsky dies, Pierre's wife dies and many other things.

Feelings for Natasha are almost forgotten, and if not for a chance meeting with her, this fleeting feeling would have been forgotten irretrievably. "... he does not immediately recognize Natasha in a pale and thin woman with sad eyes without a shadow of a smile ..." She is still all in her grief, but it is natural for her to speak out in front of Pierre without concealment about the details of the last days of her love for Andrei, because she felt a kindred spirit in him. For Pierre it is a joy and “rare pleasure” to tell Natasha about his adventures during captivity. It is a joy for Natasha to listen to him, "guessing the secret meaning of all Pierre's mental work." Love woke up in their hearts, and suddenly "it smelled and doused with long-forgotten happiness," and the "forces of life" were hammered, and "joyful madness" seized them. "Love woke up, life woke up too."

Soon, Pierre confesses his love to Natasha, and in the early spring of 1813, Pierre Bezukhov and Natasha Rostova are getting married. And a life full of love, harmony, joy and new discoveries began.

“After seven years of marriage, Pierre felt a joyful, firm consciousness that he was not a bad person, and he felt this because he saw himself reflected in his wife. In himself, he felt all good and bad mixed and obscured one another. But his wife reflected only what was truly good: everything that was not quite good was discarded. And this reflection did not happen by means of logical thought, but by another - a mysterious, direct reflection".

By this time they had three daughters and a son.

"- I love you terribly! - Natasha said suddenly. - Awful. Awful!"

But if Natasha married Andrei Bolkonsky, this marriage would be extremely unsuccessful at first for her, and already as a consequence for him. Andrei's relationship to Natasha can be described as patronage in the absence of feedback that she does not need. Over time, they develop into almost complete disregard for Andrei Natasha. Since you do not need my patronage, and I cannot give you anything else, then you do not need me. Instead of love, as it develops in relations with Pierre, it turns into a hindrance, an uninteresting, primitive burden that prevents him from fully thinking, living and being himself.

This is why socionics of love is good, which allows you to predict on this shore when love is in the midst of what awaits us on the other side, when love has passed like smoke, and ordinary everyday life has come, in which you need to solve many complex life problems.

Spouses, professional socionics and duals Irina and Sergei Beletskiy wrote the book "Everyday life of dual relations", Introduction to this book and download link. In it, they provide valuable, practical advice.

And here is what is at the other pole of the relationship. It would be more correct to call conflicting intertype relationships opposite, because the partners participating in these relationships are arranged in the opposite way literally for each position: life values and activity, ideas and interests, hobbies and forms of recreation, manifestations and reactions to emotions: joy / sadness, enthusiasm \ apathy, etc. Such mismatches between partners excite the vis-a-vis and give them feelings of rejection, because it casts doubt on the correctness of our position in life. American psychologist B.F. Skinner called this "cognitive dissonance."

Conflicters have difficulty establishing leadership. The most obvious signs of such a relationship are: fatigue and irritation from each other, the inability to find acceptable ways of communication, lingering disturbances in the psychological climate. Conflicters speak negatively of each other as having negative personality traits. Moreover, even if partners with a high culture are able to pay tribute to the psychological qualities of another, they still indicate that it is difficult, uncomfortable, and unreliable with such a person.

The characterological personality of the conflict, accepted and approved by other people, is criticized and ridiculed in this relationship, which causes the partner's protest. This is because the dominant function of one conflict partner coincides with the most painful area of the other. Partners do not "feel" each other and do not experience goodwill, it is very similar to the situation when two put knives to one another to the throat. Conflicters, as a rule, feel a mutual danger, which in some cases is a prerequisite for the suspension of the conflict, but not for long.

That part of the personality of one of the conflicts, in which he "grasps" the situation quite adequately and acts absolutely confidently, for the second is a house of cards made up of statements heard or read somewhere. It is clear that in this area the partners are opposite and have every reason to be dissatisfied with each other. It is not hard to guess that conflicting intertype relationships are included in the group of relationships that are unambiguously unsuitable for marriage.

Substantive signs of the unfavorableness of marital relations obtained in the studies of V. Matyuz and K. Mikhanovich of families in which tensions are:
1. Considerable difference in thinking on many issues and problems;
2. Poor understanding of the feelings of the other;
3. Speak words that annoy the other;
4. They often feel unloved;
5. Pay no attention to the other;
6. Feel an unmet need for trust
7. Feel the need for someone to trust;
8. Rarely compliment each other;
9. Forced to often give in to the opinion of another;
10. Wanting more love.

Conflicting couples live extremely badly, and although at times relative calm is established and partners begin to feel that they have managed to "get used to" each other, this is just the calm before the storm, heralding the brewing of a new explosion that happens with the inevitable rise of the sun - with renewed vigor and at the most inopportune moment. The spouses in a conflicted couple are agitated, neurotic, embittered, although at the initial stage they experienced a bright love . This situation can be commented on with the words that are in the song of Alla Pugacheva and Christina:
"How difficult it was for me alone
It's even more difficult for us together...".
Long before the famous singers, Ovid noted the same conflict: "I cannot live without you, but I cannot live with you either." Even popular wisdom has recorded this conflict: "Love and quarrels are worse than fire" - a Russian proverb.
But they are never destined to get used to it.
In detail, in the smallest detail, Leo Tolstoy describes the conflict couple: falling in love and how it goes in the story “ The Kreutzer Sonata ”. The great writer manages to notice a variety of nuances and subtleties that are invisible to the common man. This description is also valuable because the prototype of the main character of Pozdnishev's story was the writer himself, and therefore, in fact, this is already the author's diary.
“And I fell in love, as everyone falls in love. And everything was there: delight, emotion, and poetry.
- Well, that's how they caught me. I was, as they say, in love. I not only imagined her to be the height of perfection, I also imagined myself during this time of my grooming , too, the height of perfection.
“… No matter how hard I tried to arrange a honeymoon for myself, nothing came of it. All the time it was disgusting, ashamed and boring. But very soon it became excruciatingly difficult. It started very soon. It seems that on the third or fourth day I found my wife bored, began to ask what, I began to hug her, which, in my opinion, was all that she could desire, and she took my hand away and began to cry. About what? She didn't know how to say. But she was sad, hard. Probably her tortured nerves told her the truth about the filth of our intercourse; but she didn’t know how to say. I began to interrogate, she said something that she was sad without her mother. It seemed to me that this was not true. I began to persuade her without speaking about my mother. I didn’t understand that it was just hard for her, and my mother was just an excuse. But she was immediately offended because I kept silent about my mother, as if I did not believe her. She told me that she saw that I did not love her. I reproached her for her caprice, and suddenly her face changed completely, instead of sadness, irritation expressed itself , and with the most poisonous words she began to reproach me for selfishness and cruelty. I looked at her. Her whole face expressed utter coldness and hostility, almost hatred towards me. I remember how horrified I was to see this. "How? What? - I thought. - Love is the union of souls, and instead this is what! Yes, it cannot be, but it is not her!" I tried to soften it, but ran into such an insurmountable wall of cold, poisonous hostility that before I could look back, irritation seized me too, and we told each other a lot of trouble. The impression of this first quarrel was terrible. I call it a quarrel, but it was not a quarrel, and it was only the discovery of the abyss, which in fact was between us.
Falling in love was exhausted by the satisfaction of sensuality, and we remained against each other in our actual relationship to each other, that is two completely alien to each other egoists, who want to get themselves as much pleasure as possible, one through the other. I called what happened between us a quarrel; but it was not a quarrel, but it was only as a result of the cessation of sensibility that our real relationship to each other was revealed . I did not understand that this cold and hostile attitude was our normal attitude, I did not understand this because this hostile attitude at first very soon was closed again from us by the newly raised distillation sensibility, that is, falling in love.
And I thought that we had a falling out and made up and that this will no longer happen. But on the same first honeymoon, very soon a period of satiety came again , again we ceased to be necessary for each other, and again a quarrel occurred . This second quarrel struck me even more painfully than the first. Therefore, the first was not an accident, and this is the way it should be and it will be so, I thought. The second quarrel struck me all the more because it arose on the most impossible occasion. Something about the money, which I have never regretted, and certainly could not spare for my wife. I remember only that she had somehow turned the case that some of my remarks appeared an expression of my desire to rule over it through money, which I have argued though to his exclusive right, something impossible, stupid, cowardly, uncharacteristic or me nor her. I got irritated, began to reproach her with indiscretion, she me - and it started again. And in the words and in the expression of her face and eyes, I saw again the same cruel, cold hostility that had previously so amazed me . With my brother, with friends, with my father, I remember, I quarreled, but we never had that special, poisonous anger that was here. But some time passed, and again this mutual hatred disappeared under falling in love , that is, sensuality, and I still consoled himself with the thought that these two quarrels were mistakes that could be corrected. But then came the third, fourth quarrel, and I realized that this was not an accident, but that it should be so , it will be so, and I was horrified at what lay ahead of me. At the same time, I was still tormented by the terrible thought that this alone was just so bad, unlike what I expected, I live with my wife, whereas in other marriages this does not happen. I did not know back then that it was a common fate, but it all so well, like , I think, that it is their sole misfortune hide this exclusive, embarrassing his misfortune, not only from others but also from themselves, to themselves are not recognized in that. It began from the first days and continued all the time, and all became stronger and hardened.
... Well, that's how we lived. The relationship became more and more hostile. And, finally, it got to the point that it was no longer disagreement that produced hostility, but hostility was producing disagreement: whatever she said, I didn’t agree in advance, and so did she. ”
And Herzen's expression on the same topic: "Living under the same roof is in itself a terrible thing, on which half of the marriages collapsed. Living closely together, people approach each other too much, see each other in too much detail, too wide open and imperceptibly pluck on the petal all the flowers of the wreath that surrounds the personality with poetry and border ", can be refuted by examples from the life of duals.
Actress Lyubov Virolainen: “For 25 years now I have been getting up at 6.30, although I do not need to get up so early at all. his jokes. I get up and start to cook breakfast and wait, wait for it - my joy will rise. When my sun rises, when life is filled with content and meaning".
Another example, Jack London "Fists Only". Boyd Duncan, the hero of the story, a wealthy man, he could live in complete comfort, but he preferred to travel in the most uncomfortable way. His wife, Minnie Duncan, was also considered an original, as she happily shared his wandering life with her husband. During the six adventurous years of their marriage, she climbed Chimborso with him, traveled three thousand miles across Alaska on dogs in winter, rode on horseback from Canada to Mexico. How many difficulties were there? And together, overcoming them, they received satisfaction from communicating with each other.

Love needs a reasonable content, like oil to keep a fire.
V.G. Belinsky

There are also atypical forms of compatibility

Vyacheslav's story: "When I was choosing a wife from many applicants, I tried to determine how they relate to snakes. Then in my terrarium, there were only five snakes, a little different animals. Now I have 55 snakes, scorpions, karakurt, a lot of things, but the main pride is our favorite crocodile Totosha. exist. Vera not only calmly passed the belt test, but even when I gave her a snake, unexpectedly even for me, the snake crawled into her bosom and crawled out from under the hem, Vera quite calmly said: "Oh, how cold." The next day we applied to the registry office and for 27 years now we have all been living together. Our two sons also treat snakes and animals well. I consider myself a happy person".

The good life is a life inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Both knowledge and love are endless.
Bertrand Russell.

A case from life. Alexander's wife Irina has the longest - 236 cm. Braid in Russia, and possibly in the world. To the reporter's question: "Your wife has to spend a lot of time every day to take care of her hair, it does not irritate you." Alexander replied: "On the contrary, I chose her for this beauty. When I come home from work, tired and agitated, helping her to comb her braid, I feel how I calm down, I come back to normal. I am ready to spend even more time caring for her gorgeous braid".
A case from life. Yuri, a big fan of Valery Leontyev, having moved permanently to Israel, organized a club of Valery's fans there. Lilya was one of the first to come to this club, she was as active as Yuri. They often sat up late at night discussing creativity, costumes, hairstyles of the adored singer, when other fans were already going home. At first, they were attracted to each other only by their interest in their favorite singer, because Yuri is much older than Lily. But more and more often they began to meet outside the club, because they could start talking about their idol again at any time , and they never got tired of talking about him. A huge event in their life was Leontiev's tour in Israel.
Naturally they had love feelings, they got married. Soon a son was born, what to call him there were no questions - Valery. After their son was five years old, they decided to change his last name to Leontiev.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

This page is from the section ”The Psychology of Love”.

Related articles:

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.

Friendship + Love = Filia.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony.

Factors of marital compatibility.

Modern sex and marriage - myths and reality. V.G.Taktarov, R.V. Beleda

Sex positions from the point of view of ... psychology.

Sexuality, female and male orgasms.

Sex in the family and at work. M.E. Litvak.

Sexual preferences of psychotypes.

Sexual compatibility of socionic psychotypes

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." almost 2000 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.

Эрих Фромм

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Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми