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Friendship + love = philia. E. Pushkarev
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The most fundamental kind of love that forms the basis of all types of love is brotherly love.
E. Fromm
Friendship is the only kind of love that likens us to gods or angels. Probably, it with such love that the angels love each other.
C. S. Lewis
With regard to love, the ancient Greek language turned out to be wiser and more diverse than modern languages because it contains, in addition to six terms: agape, storge, pragma, mania, ludus, eros, which were used by D.A. Lee, describing various aspects there were others of love: eunoia (giving), potos (lust, lust), aphrodisia - (deeds of Aphrodite); akolasia - (pleasures of the body, there were terms denoting pleasures delivered through sight, hearing and smell); Haris (love based on gratitude and respect); latreya - ("reverent worship", "cult service", love-reverence), etc. In the linguistic picture of the world of the ancient Greeks there was more variety to denote a wide range of attractions between men and women, which means there was less confusion in understanding and their feelings, and feelings of a partner.
Compatibility is a dry heavyweight concept rarely used in everyday life and fiction, and in order to better understand it we will choose it, a meaningful synonym and better, for this, the concept of "philia" is suitable.
The ancient Greek word "philia", often translated as "friendship", does not have an exact match neither in Russian, nor in English, nor in German, nor in French. It denotes not only "friendship", but also "friendliness", "disposition", "attraction", "love", in general "rapprochement", "union", reaching the point of complete merging and identification.
In the ancient Russian translations of the Bee and in the Pandects of Nikon Montenegrin (XII century), the Greek. filia and derivatives from it are conveyed by the words love, love, beloved, and the Bulgarian editions of the same texts, bringing them closer to the understanding of their readers, replace these words with friendship, friendship, desire.
Doctor of Philology V.V. Kolesov
In the dissertation of the philologist Ivanova I.A. the analysis of the development of the semantic volume of the concepts of love and friendship was carried out, which showed that the words friendliness, friendly can be considered a semantic segment of the concept of love, since these concepts are united by the common seme "relations between people based on spiritual closeness, mutual affection."
In the Greek version of the New Testament, the terms both "agape" and "philia" are used, and in the Russian and English versions they are translated in one word love.
The noun "filia" has its own verb - "filion" - "get closer, make friends, love" ("phileo su" - "I love you"). Such love can be loved in many different ways. Therefore, erotic love is only one type of "filia".
Love for a father is a "philopator", love for a mother is a "philomator", love for children is "philopais", love for a brother is "Philadelphia". The plot of one of the tragedies of Sophocles - "Antigone", staged on the Athenian stage in the middle of the 5th century BC., is based on brotherly love, in particular on the love of a sister for a brother.
Filatia - self-love. The ancient Greeks identified two of its subtypes. The first was associated with its unhealthy manifestation - narcissism, narcissism and the desire for fame and wealth, and the second is responsibility, care, creation, development, openness to the world, participation, compassion.
Empedocles also used the concept of philia to explain the beginning of the creation of the world: in addition to reasons that are passive, he distinguishes active principles - Neykos (enmity) and Philia (love), which bring a creative moment into the world. According to Empedocles, Love increases human freedom and in this regard, again, is the value of "freedom-from".
... how, for example, does Plato interpret love?
Love is not only the search for one's half and the striving for integrity, but also friendship between the beloved and the lover, and such, where the lover leads (educates) the beloved and partly himself;
is also a reasonable beginning (striving for wisdom, prudence, duty, justice);
This is also the overcoming of passionate, everyday inclinations ("immodesty"), which is so characteristic of philosophical life.
D. Philos. n. V.M. Rozin
According to Plato, love and friendship are not so much different feelings, but different aspects - spiritual and sensual - of the same total personal affection, which the philosopher defines as "the thirst for integrity and the pursuit of it": (Peer, 193a)
D. Philos. n. I.S. Kon
Philia has the highest status in Plato's doctrine of love.
K.philos.n. EM. Spirova "Love as an anthropological given"
Among the ancient Greeks, philia was considered the most important human feeling. The true goal and meaning of love in the understanding of Aristotle was precisely in friendship, and not in sensual attraction - eros. He wrote:
"Love, therefore, comes more from friendship than from sensual attraction. But if most of all from friendship, then friendship is the goal of love. Consequently, sensual attraction is either not a goal at all, or it is for the sake of friendship."
"... the most lasting, faithful and most beautiful friendship is the mutual love of worthy people, which, naturally, is based on virtue and goodness."
"Friendship, according to Aristotle, is the greatest social and personal value, " the most necessary for life. Indeed, no one will choose life without friends (philoi), even in exchange for all other benefits".
From the point of view of the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus, we do not need romantic relationships, as they are overshadowed by misunderstandings, jealousy and bitterness. Much better is a friendship that fully satisfies a person's social needs.
Ancient Roman philosopher Cicero:
-
Love is the desire to achieve friendship of the one who attracts with his beauty.
And in the XXI century there are followers of the same ideas.
"A friend is our" second self ". A person has no one closer to a friend".
Doctor of Philosophy I.S. Con "Friendship"
Friendship is a form of love.
Professor Francesco Alberoni "Friendship and Love".
Both Books are in our library "Love, family, sex and about...".
friendship (eng) - "friendship" comes from a verb of one of the ancient German tribes, and this verb meant "to love". The English language accepted and supported this very semantic version.
The closeness, kinship of these feelings has been talked about at all times.
Ф. Nietzsche:
- … on earth, in places, there is still something like the continuation of love, in which that selfish desire of two persons for each other gives way to a new desire and greed, a common higher thirst for the ideals standing above them: but who knows this love? who survived it? Her real name is friendship.
Ф. Nietzsche:
- He who is not capable of either love or friendship, he most surely places his stake - on marriage.
E. Fromm:
- The most fundamental kind of love that underlies all its types is brotherly love. By this I mean a sense of responsibility and care, respect and a desire to help him in life. It is about this kind of love that the Bible says: "Love your neighbor ..."
A. Dumas:
- Friendship is a star, and
love ... is just a candle.
V. Klyuchevsky:
- Friendship can do without love, love without friendship - no.
A.I. Herzen:
“I don’t know why the memories of first love are given some kind of monopole over the memories of young friendship. First love is so fragrant because it forgets the difference between the sexes, because it is a passionate friendship.
F. La Rochefoucauld:
“ As rare as true love is, true friendship is even rarer.
M.Zhanlis:
- Friendship should be infinitely more tolerant than love.
F. Schlegel:
- ... friendship is a "partial marriage", and love is friendship from all sides and in all directions, universal friendship.
Literary critics have calculated that both A.S. Pushkin and V.S. Vysotsky, the words "friend" and "friendship" are more common than "love".
Love and friendship - that's what you can
To comfort yourself under the sun!
We should not seek bliss,
But it should - suffer less ...
in the other place
Friendship is only then kind,
When Equal With Love.
A.S. Pushkin
N.V. Berdyaev:
- In love-friendship there is no that terrible alienation and terrible attraction of the object, which is in sexual love. In friendship, there is no this polarity that attracts opposite elements, and there is no such terrible combination of love and enmity. Friendship is not so connected with the very roots of the personality, with the very holistic image and likeness of God in man. Friendship fills the life of a person with positive content, but does not affect the fundamental principles of the person. The floor is all over the person; friendship is only a part of it, only a mental function. But in genuine, deep friendship there is an erotic element - there is, if not a direct, then an indirect connection with gender.
Friendship is not integral, fractional love, it does not contain the final mystery of the two, but it can approach it. In friendship, there is no union of the two into one flesh (not only in the sense of a sexual act, but also in a different, higher sense), there is only touch. Therefore, friendship is a high step in the hierarchy of feelings:
Leibniz pays special attention to love-friendship, which develops in a person the traits of selfless acceptance. Leibniz criticized Descartes for not separating the disinterested and bright feeling of love from the selfish and dark attraction to pleasure.
M. Montaigne:
- A successful marriage, if it exists at all, rejects love and everything that goes with it; he tries to make up for it with friendship. It is nothing more than a pleasant life-long cohabitation, full of stability, trust and an endless array of highly tactile, reciprocal services and responsibilities.
J. Labruyere:
- Love, which arises slowly and gradually, is so similar to friendship that it cannot become an ardent passion.
F.R. de Chateaubriand:
- Only in modern times a combination of sensuality and spirituality has appeared - that love that is morally related to friendship:
F. Bacon:
- Friendship doubles joys and halves sorrows.
N.-S. de Chamfort:
- Perhaps, in order to fully appreciate friendship, one must first experience love.
R. Emerson:
- A friend is such a person with whom I can be sincere. In his presence, I can think out loud.
C.S. Lewis:
- So, friendship is pure, free, does not seek its own, rejoices in the truth. She is purely spiritual. Perhaps we have found Love among the natural kinds of love?
C.S. Lewis:
- Friendship is the only kind of love that makes us like gods or angels. Probably, it is with such love that the angels love each other.
Jean Paul:
- Friendship and love, two great feelings, completely change a person.
NV Gogol:
- There are no bonds holier than comradeship.
I.A. Krylov:
- Equality in love and friendship is a sacred thing.
F.M.Dostoevsky:
- It is more profitable to have other among the enemies than among the friends.
N. Ostrovsky:
- That love is shallow, in which there is no friendship, partnership, common interests.
A.S. Makarenko:
... that love cannot be grown simply from the depths of a simple zoological sex drive. The powers of "loving" love can only be found in the experience of incomplete human sympathy. A young man will never love his bride and wife if he did not love his parents, comrades, friends. And the wider the area of this non-sexual love, the more noble will the sexual love.
J.Sand:
Friendship combined with sex drive is love.
American psychologists Davis and Todd (1982), as a result of their research, came to the conclusion that love should be understood as friendship combined with passion (fascination, exclusivity and a special type of sexual satisfaction).
V.A. Sukhomlinsky:
... friendship for children is one of the spheres of fostering love for a person, the first school of love, since it forms the art of a mutual, respectful attitude towards a person, a sense of his subtle, spiritual movements.
Bella Akhmadulina:
- Of all the loves, there is no stronger feeling of friendship. ... idolize friendship.
Actress Tatyana Okunevskaya is a wise beautiful woman who went through fire, water, copper pipes, Stalin's torture chambers, her love was sought by the powerful I.B.Tito, L.P. Beria:
- I put friendship above love.
Marlene Dietrich:
- Friendship unites people much stronger than love.
Sophie Arnoux:
- Friendship is a sister of love, but she was not born in the same bed.
Robert Alex Johnson; Doctor of Psychology:
“Earthly love certainly includes friendship: friendship in partnership, in marriage, friendship between a man and a woman. If a man and a woman are true friends, they know all the weaknesses and weaknesses of each other. They are more determined to help their partner and enjoy their beloved than to seek out flaws and failures from him".
“True friends - they want to support, not judge, they do not indulge our weaknesses, but they never concentrate on our shortcomings. In difficult times, friends lend each other a shoulder, help to overcome life's adversities and cope with current worries. They never approach each other with an overestimated standard, they do not seek ideal and perfection, and while helping, they do not spoil each other's life with mutual claims".
“In romantic love, friendship is impossible. Romanticism and friendship are absolutely opposite forces in their nature and motives. Sometimes people say, "I don't want to become a friend to my husband (wife), because friendship will destroy all the romance of our marriage." This is true: friendship stops artificial drama and removes passion and intensity from relationships, but it also removes egoism from relationships, replacing drama with something humane and earthly".
Jane Levinger, American Psychologist:
Friendship is an ethical form of love. Unlike other forms of love, she chooses her object, using moral criteria, and builds her attitude towards it, proceeding from these criteria.
John Gottman, family psychotherapist "Map of Love" 1999, USA. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
Satisfaction from sex, romantic relationships and passion in marriage among women, almost 70% depends on the quality of friendly relations with a spouse. For men, the determining factor for almost 70% is also the quality of friendly relations with their spouse. Conclusion: men and women are people from the same planet.
Psychologist Heidi Reeder found that those partners who value friendship above all else in relationships with each other are more satisfied with their emotional and sexual life than those who have a sexual interest in their partner in the first place.
Social psychologist Grace Cornish argues that couples whose relationships began with friendship are more flexible in the event of conflict and are more attentive to each other's feelings: “As friends, you have sympathy for each other. You learn to respect each other. You will learn a lot about each other. Friendship is the foundation that can strengthen the entire structure of a couple".
In addition, according to the psychologist, in such couples there is much more trust and sincerity: “If you have a real strong friendship, you do not have to pretend to please your beloved. Some keep themselves within limits only until the moment they cross the threshold of the family home. But your true nature will show itself if you communicate as friends. There is no place for play here, because you do not need to impress, but find a partner to communicate".
The correspondent asks Galina Shcherbakova questions to the author of women's novels:
- What is love for you?
- Love is necessarily suffering, sadness, an explosion of feelings, spiritual flight, jealousy, forgiveness
- Would you like to fall in love still?
- No. That calm, pleasant, warm definite feeling that I am now experiencing, I like more, and I do not want to exchange it for a love storm. I've already experienced it all, felt it, that's enough.
Sumama ibn Ashras:
Love is an interesting conversationalist and a kind friend ...
Don Aminado:
Love is the stop, friendship is the final destination.
A. Suvorin:
What is love ? - Two souls and one body. What is friendship? - Two bodies and one soul.
E. Bulwer-Lytton:
Friendship is the wine of existence, love is a good glass of vodka.
K. Mustakas finds an interesting turn: “… relationships that deepen to friendship and become a true meeting of individuals have an incomparable, enduring value”.
Orson Welles:
Only love and friendship brighten up the loneliness of our days. Happiness is not a given; one must constantly fight for it. And I think when it comes, it is important to be able to accept it.
But Alexandra Kollontai even proposed a new concept “erotic friendship”: “Our time is notable for the absence of the“ art of love ”; people absolutely do not know how to maintain light, clear, elated relationships, do not know the full value of "erotic friendship". Love is either a tragedy tearing the soul apart, or a vulgar vaudeville. It is necessary to lead humanity out of this impasse, it is necessary to teach people clear and unencumbered experiences. Only after going through the school of erotic friendship, will the human psyche become capable of accepting the "great love", cleansed of its dark sides...".
Philologist Ch. Abidueva:
... in the Chinese linguistic consciousness, the idea is cultivated that love is born from the feeling of friendship. This is confirmed in the analysis of the character "love" in the Chinese language - both complex and simplified versions of the character basically contain the ideogram "friend". Hence, we can draw a conclusion about the similarity in the Chinese linguistic consciousness of the signs of "love" and "friendship".
Philologists O.A. Arapova, R.M. Gaisin:
Love and friendship as emotional attachments receive a similar interpretation in dictionaries, compare: love “a feeling of deep affection, devotion to someone, based on the recognition of high value, dignity, common goals, interests //
a feeling of inclination, attachment to someone, arising from relations of close kinship, friendship, comradeship ", friendship" relations between people based on mutual affection, intimacy, community of interests "(BAS1 1954, vol. 3).
Sexual love does not stand out as a separate vocabulary, the component of intimacy is not explicated in the interpretation of the word - thus all obstacles to the designation of love relationships through the vocabulary of friendship are eliminated, especially since the rapprochement of love and friendship acts as a general trend. Psychological research demonstrates the identity of the feelings and emotions that accompany them: “When we think of true friendship, we mean a certain form of love that exists between people” (Alberoni 1987).
Irwin Yalom:
I dream of love, in which two people share a passion for the joint search for the highest truth. Maybe it shouldn't be called love. Maybe it's called friendship.
D. Philos. n. I.S. Kon:
The latest socio-psychological research shows that these experienced differences are closely related to the difference in socionormative definitions of love and friendship.
The similarity of love and friendship was noticed not only by the humanities, but also by anthropologists and neuroscientists.
It is oxytocin that causes a sense of community in lovers, the phenomenon of "disappearance of the boundaries of the body" arises - the body of the beloved is perceived as part of her own, because of this, it was called "the hormone of love."
This neuromodulator and hormone at the physiological level triggers the attachment mechanism, it is he who enhances the feeling of "we are relatives" next to people close to us. Since it also has a stress-protective effect, an increase in the level of oxytocin in the blood causes a feeling of satisfaction, a decrease in fears and anxieties, a feeling of trust and calmness next to a partner: a person who is perceived as a loved one. We emphasize: not with a physically close partner, but with a mentally close person. And because of this, they began to call it "the hormone of friendship, friendliness and trust."
Based on the above, we can conclude that "friendship + love" is not:
- some kind of exotic feeling, but well-known and revered for a long time, although still far from the mass consciousness.
- a secondary feeling lower than love
Compatible love and friendship are feelings that consist of one spiritual tissue and differ only in social regulations and rules of conduct.
The phrase "Happiness is when you are understood" from the movie "We'll Live Until Monday" has become popular. You can understand intellectually, this is when one person explains to another how he solved a difficult everyday problem, or you can understand with his soul, this is when one person empathizes with another, when the first one needs to solve a difficult problem, and the feelings of the second are no less deep than those of the first, more than that the second joined in the experience earlier than the first.
To understand is to feel.
K. Stanislavsky
I want to be loved or understood, which is the same thing.
Vitina von Arnim
Love is the only way to understand another person in the deepest core of their personality.
V. E. Frankl
The highest degree of understanding of a person by a person is the ability to anticipate his expectations. These are actions that are subjectively perceived by the other partner as preceding the realization of the corresponding need. This clearly shows the role of the understanding partner's intuition, his ability to empathy, empathy. And we can assume that the hero of the film had in mind exactly the second form of experience - empathy, just the high school student does not yet know this term and concept. So, only a dual is capable of empathy and even anticipatory empathy.
…
Love is a tendency to find pleasure in the good, perfection, happiness of another person.
G. W. Leibniz
The greatest pleasure an honest man can feel is to please his friends.
F. Voltaire
In life, this soulful form of understanding looks like this. Petr Klimuk says after a two-month flight with Vitaly Sevostyanov: "Our relationship with Vitaly was like a constant competition in who will bring each other more joy." It was with these words that Stendhal wrote about love: "Love is a competition in who will bring each other more joy:"
In the feature film "Mimino" the hero, played by F. Mkrtchyan, says to his friend, played by V. Kikabidze: "I will come to visit you, you will be delighted when I see that you are happy, and I will be delighted". That is, it is not the fact that "I am glad to see you" that is of particular importance here, but what brings me joy, what I managed to please you. B. Spinoza expressed this in his philosophical language as follows: “Whoever imagines that the object of his love has received pleasure or displeasure will himself also feel pleasure or displeasure, and each of these affects will be in the lover the more or less, the more or less he is in his favorite subject".
Filia is a bright positive feeling that enhances the quality of life, beautifies her. And if you ask questions: Is it possible to describe this feeling from the perspective of a researcher? How? Between whom does it arise? Is it available to everyone? It turns out that the affirmative answers to these questions already exist and they were given by socionics. The fact that philia and duality are one and the same feeling will become clear if you get acquainted with duality in more detail.
To love means to wish for another that which you consider to be good, and, moreover, not for your own sake, but for the sake of the one you love, and to try, as far as possible, to deliver this benefit to him.
Aristotle
Love is nothing more than the desire for happiness for another person.
D. Hume
Love is the disposition of the soul to receive pleasure from the happiness of another.
H. Wolf
This is how socionics describe it.
"We become different: more confident, more cheerful, kinder, more responsive, stronger, in a word, better, and life is emotionally brighter and intellectually richer. All secret fears, doubts, anxieties disappear. We find ourselves - true. We understand what comfort means - both external and internal, that the main thing is the comfort of the soul. Where does this comfort come from? In meeting needs. We all want something, we are looking for support, understanding, assessment of our knowledge, efforts and skills. We want And only a dual - a mentally complementary partner - will protect, support and help in everything, and only this person will correctly assess our help, because he needs such skills".
In a word, a dual is really that "half", about a meeting that every socionist dreams of (a non-socionic cannot dream, because it is impossible to dream about something that you have no idea about!). In the current dual dyad, people generally forget about, for example, what complexes are. No complexes! The duals are liberated, relaxed, confident in their relevance, in their need, in their usefulness (first of all, to the dual, and therefore to society)
Having got acquainted with the description of duality in more detail, it becomes clear where the legend about androgynes came from, that it did not arise from the simple imagination of the poet. Interestingly, Leo Tolstoy described this phenomenon in the novel "Anna Karenina" about the loving spouses Levin and Kitty. Once Konstantin Levin was late home, and Kitty, who was nervous, greeted him with bitter reproaches. He was offended at her, wanted to say angry words to her, "but at that very second he felt that ... he himself had accidentally hit himself." "He realized that she was not only close to him, but that he now does not know where she ends and he begins." "She was himself."
About dual relationships. V.M. Shlaina
Maybe well, her tries this duality. T. Pedan, A. Grechinsky.
Do you have another dual for me? V. I. Stratievskaya
Disappointed in duality. Pushkarev
One person is not yet a person, only in a pair does he acquire harmonious integrity.
L. Feuerbach
A man and a woman united by love based on duality is not a simple addition of two qualities and virtues, but much more. French art historian K. Mockler shared his philosophy: "In love, everything is done unconsciously, and the mystery of it is involved only a tiny minority ..." and socionics not only revealed the mystery of the unconscious, but also suggested how to become involved in a love for everyone who wishes ...
The human psyche is functional and asymmetric. This means that even the strongest person has weaknesses that need protection, just as the weakest person has strong functions that he is ready to share, it is in compatible love that this happens. Two people in love can overcome more difficulties in life than they can individually. You can even say that a loving couple is a special life-sustaining species that lives more richly, meaningfully, for a long time, giving more complete, life-sustaining offspring than in an incompatible, incomplete pair. To express such love, one can even propose a mathematical formula: "We" >> (much more) "I + You" taken separately.
This state is designated as perfect harmony and is estimated as great happiness ("one heart and one soul") and, of course, by right ... for this is a true experience of the deity, which, having mastered a person, extinguishes and absorbs everything that is individual in him ... man and woman become instruments of a continuing life.
Carl Gustav Jung
"This physical feeling of being one with another person is absolutely fantastic. We know that in an ordinary state a person cannot feel the feelings of another person, experience them, and only at the apogee of strong love is there some strange psychological a mirage, when different selves seem to disappear, merge into each other, and people become psychological androgynous ... this is almost literal "transmigration of souls" - as if a part of your "soul" moved into the body of another person, merged with his nerves, and now you feel his feelings in the same way as yours ... why this happens only with lovers, only with close people - it is not clear, psychologists and physiologists have yet to solve this riddle". Yu.Ryurikov. "Three drives".
Dual relationships are the only ones in which it is possible to achieve marital harmony. Therefore, only duals make sense to enter into a marriage relationship. And even for duals, there are certain reservations here.
The description of dual relationships reliably correlates with the research work of D. Homans, D. Thibault and G. Kelly - the theory of "rewards - costs". It was formulated as a result of a large-scale experiment that showed that "we like those whose behavior provides us with the maximum reward at the lowest cost." Thus, we like those who agree with us more than those who disagree; those who like us more than those who don't; those who cooperate with us are more than those who compete with us; and those who praise us are more than those who criticize. So the best balance of "reward - cost" in relationships, cooperation occurs in dual relationships, and the worst in conflict. And it should be noted that this is not the result of volitional efforts, conscious effort, but a form of manifestation of selfhood, a natural involuntary path. And yet, "reward - costs" is a balance of manifestations, which means that in love, mental accounting is appropriate.
O. Slinko: "It is clear that the" first comer "dual is an unprepared candidate for a spouse. And among the duals you have to choose, if only because age, social, cultural and intellectual criteria mean a lot.
The above description of dual relationships is by no means an idealization, such relationships are realizable. But in order for them to take on such a harmonious form, the partners must "dualize", ie. get used to each other.
Love acts as an affirmation of human existence. Only through his relationship to another person does a person exist as a person. The most fundamental and purest expression of love, a loving relationship to a person is contained in the formula and in the feeling: "It's good that you exist in the world." A person acquires his true human existence, because in the love of another person for him, he begins to exist for another person. Love acts as the strengthening of the affirmation of the human existence of a given person for another. The moral meaning of love (love of a man and a woman) is that a person acquires an exclusive existence for another person, manifested in an selective feeling: he is the most existent of all that exists ... To rejoice in the very existence of another person is an expression of love in its original and purest form.
S.L. Rubinstein.
The peculiarity of dual relations is precisely that "grinding" for this case is a grateful thing, with a wonderful prospect of complete harmonization of relations. In all other relationships, except for dual relationships, if, as the partners study each other, a positive dynamic arises, then it is very limited, more indicative, on the contrary, is the cumulation of psychological dissatisfaction and progressive irritation with the spouse's shortcomings.
Does dualization always happen? No not always. And not because it is really impracticable. The duals always have a fundamental opportunity to turn into an ideal pair. But the trouble is that the process of dualization is difficult in many cases. And then the relationship is torn to the floor of the road. As a rule, one of the duals makes the wrong decision, namely the one with the worst psychological instinct.
What caused this difficulty? You can answer simply: that the duals are different (we saw that, for example, their professional spheres are directly opposite) and simply do not recognize each other, do not have time to feel that they are two halves of a whole and that their "difference" means something that is necessary for everyone addition, gaining vitality and completeness. Particularly quick to destructive conclusions, as a rule, one of the partners of the dyad. It is he who rejects the most precious thing that he can have in life.
In the dual pair Stirlitz - Dostoevsky, Stirlitz turns out to be unreasonable; in the dyad Jack - Dreiser "does not feel" Jack's partner. So, these dyads in the form of married couples are too rare. At the same time, there are happier dyads in which the duals more often connect their destinies: for example, Hugo - Robespierre, Don Quixote - Dumas, Huxley - Gabin. But the difficulties of dualization have other reasons associated with the history of a person's life.
It is interesting that it is easy to find a spouse - a dual by those people who were lucky with their parents: one of them or both were dual for these people of the socionic type.
Football player Andrei Kanchelskis: "Now, after 13 years of married life, my wife and I treat each other better and more versatile. Our love has become safer, more complete, more meaningful. When I remember our first year in marriage (he was 22 she was 18), such an impression, that we were playing with some children's toys, everything was not serious with freaks. Now I can’t imagine my life without my family: my wife, children, because they have become an integral part of me. Before I was only a part of myself, but now became myself whole".
The "attunement" to the dual, taken from childhood, the conscious or subconscious feeling of the extraordinary value of such a person, which is the parent of the dual, and most importantly - the purity, not distortion of the mental structure of a child who grew up in a dual family, turns him into a "radical" that naturally unites with its harmonic half.
This works even in cases when the child - dual does not really understand his parent and does not fully realize how favorable fate is to him (here again socionic types, poorly understanding people, "differ": child - Stirlitz, to for example, does not always appreciate the parent - Dostoevsky).
If we take into account that the overwhelming majority of people are deprived of happiness to have a dual parent, and quite the opposite, family relations clog, deform a person's mental structures, turning him into a neurotic from childhood, it will become clear what difficult task he will pose in front of him is a dual who has decided to "reach out" by the warped life of the dual soul. The process of dualization, most likely, will be interrupted, moreover, by that "wrong" and insensitive dual, and his soul will never be cleansed.
That is why we have the sad result that a great many people associate their fate not with a dual, but with the most alien partner in spiritual connections, and again, psychologically illiterate Stirlitz, themselves for life, having robbed, they will seek consolation in the fact that the husband is rich, or he is a curly brunette, sometimes this leads to the choice of conflicting worst relationships".
And also modern culture, with its obsessive influence, upsets the constitutional (socionic) psychotype of the individual, and if in formal relationships this is not perceived very noticeably, then in significant, close relationships it can be painful. In this case, dualization is also the grinding of characters and the restoration of the natural self of the psychotype.
And as a result of a variety of overlaps, it happens - Disappointed in duality. E. Pushkarev
After acquaintance with socionic types, duality becomes clear about the love delusions existing in everyday consciousness.
1. There is no love at first sight.
One of the famous works explaining the functional development of love is Stendhal's work "On Love". The basis of this concept is the process of "crystallization". Stendhal describes the process of "inception" of love in the following stages: 1) admiration; 2) a person thinks: "What a pleasure to kiss her, to receive kisses from her!" etc.; 3) hope; 4) love was born; 5) the first crystallization begins. 7) second crystallization. All stages take time: days, weeks, months. In support of Stendhal, Dr. Karl Minnenger, an eminent Christian psychiatrist, expressed this thought in the following words: “Love does not flash in us, it grows in us. Love matures as the couple learns the principles of love in everyday life. So, true love rises above
falling in love , and we should not only expect love and attention from others, but he himself treats others with love and attention "
“… we can talk about such a dangerous phenomenon as love at first sight. It more clearly reflects the essence of the problem. Each person has a standard of an ideal partner. It is taken from fashion, the images of parents, the first love experience, the influence of the social environment. That is, love at first sight is an emotion that arises as a result of a strong coincidence of some characteristics of a real object and an existing standard". B.Yu. SHAPIRO K. psi. n. full member of the Academy of Pedagogical and Social Sciences.
"Love at first sight in many cases turns out to be a myth, which is intended to justify a readiness to have sexual intercourse too quickly from the point of view of decency" (Murstein, 1980)
Only those relationships can be called true love, in which there is no threat to partners, which arise on the basis of mutual acceptance and mutual approval ...
K.R. Rogers
And if you give an example that you know a case of happy love at first sight, then this case will be an exception to the rule.
Love even at second sight does not exist because: “I have already said that love is an action, an activity. Here we come to another serious misunderstanding about love that should be carefully considered. Love is not a feeling "Morgan Scott Peck.
Still, it is necessary to clarify: firstly, love is an action, an activity in life and, secondly, it is a wholesome, stimulating feeling that accompanies them.
During the 70th birthday of actor Anatoly Kuznetsov (fighter Sukhov), the TV host asks the question:
-
I also congratulate you on the 45th anniversary of your married life. In this regard, the question is: could you leave your wife because of great love?
A. Kuznetsov:
- We have lived with my wife for 45 years and I am always interested in her. I can’t even imagine that this could happen to me, that I left my wife, be it a great love for another woman or something else.
Their marriage in love was interrupted in March 2014 by the death of Anatoly shortly before his 60th birthday.
Unrequited love is as different from mutual love as delusion is from truth.
J. Sand.
2. Love between a man and a woman can only be mutual. If a love feeling without reciprocity is love. Reciprocity for love is like moisture for a plant, not only can it not grow without moisture, develop and bear fruit, but even a seed will not germinate without life-giving moisture.
Modern knowledge about the nature of love reconciles:
V. Frankla: "... we are on earth in order to love, not to be loved."
With V.Klyuchevsky: “To live is to be loved. He lived, or she lived - it means only one thing: he or she was loved a lot".
Since. in love there can be no one without the other.
3. There is an erroneous opinion "Love is the work of preserving feelings, maintaining them and possibly improving them throughout life. If you don't throw or stir firewood into the stove, the fire will go out."
Falling in love that has arisen between people with varying degrees of incompatibility must be supported and deliberately protected in order for it to last longer, and the love that has arisen in the duals is a self-sufficient, psychostimulating feeling for the rest of his life, which itself makes a person stronger and more resilient. And work is what precedes love: the acquisition of the necessary knowledge about the nature of this feeling and the objective choice of a partner to whom this feeling will arise.
Actress Lyubov Virolainen: "This is a famous person, I will not name him. We had a passionate, close relationship. This love led to nervous ulcers, there was only suffering, it was torment. This love led me to terrible stress. Passion was , but at the same time I realized that this was not my half. Neither he nor I were going to connect their destinies. My nervous tension was so strong that for no reason I was scared, I screamed wildly at my 14-year-old son, I still I am ashamed of that ridiculous trick. After which I decided it was no longer possible, we parted: "
Lyubov Virolainen finished her story: “For 25 years now I have been getting up at 6.30, although I do not need to get up so early at all. I get up early because I missed a man, my husband, his voice, his eyes, his jokes. and I start to prepare breakfast and I wait, I wait, when it - my joy will rise. When my sun rises, when life is filled with content and meaning".
4. In conversations on the topic of marriage, you can hear: "I don't like women smarter than me ...; I wanted my husband to have skillful hands ...; I wanted his wife to be kind and cook well .. .; I wanted my husband to have a sense of humor...". As socionics has shown, these human qualities so valued in everyday life are not among the priority ones that predetermine a happy marriage. And the determinants of good compatibility are psychological signs, functions that practically do not stand out in everyday life, do not even have an ordinary designation.
F. Nietzsche remarked: "Love reveals the high and hidden qualities of lovers - that which he has a rare, exceptional." This beautiful saying of the philosopher socionics explained in detail and made it available for meaningful use. One can only notice that at first in the relationship in a couple, at the subconscious level, "high, hidden, rare, exceptional" qualities stand out and already as a result of their beneficial, mutual influence, love arises.
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"How love is viewed in socionics"
5. The question is often asked, especially among young people: "When people really love, do they really have quarrels and conflicts?" This question was answered well by Erich Fromm in his classic monograph "The Art of Love" (1956, undoubtedly influenced subsequent research on this topic):
" Another common mistake should be mentioned here, namely the illusion that love necessarily means no conflict.
people used to think that pain and sorrow should be avoided at any
circumstances, they also used to think that love means complete
no conflicts. And they find the right reasons for this idea in the fact that
that the collisions they see around them are only destructive
mutual exchange, which does not bring anything good to either side. On
in fact , for most people, conflicts are attempts to avoid
valid conflicts. It is rather a disagreement on insignificant and
superficial questions, by their very nature, not amenable to clarification or
permission. Actual conflicts between two people are not for
something to hide or blame on the other person, and are experienced in the
deep level of inner reality from which they emanate. Such
conflicts are not destructive. They lead to clarification, they give birth to catharsis, from
which both men come out enriched with knowledge and power".
Ballet stars Ekaterina Maksimova and Vladimir Vasiliev have been happily married for over 45 years. Ekaterina: “It happened that at rehearsals or in the theater we had very violent quarrels with him. Those who saw us flew out of the hall screaming were very surprised when we, as if nothing had happened, went home together. we were sure that this was our last minute together".
A distinctive feature of lovers' quarrels from a conflicted couple in love is that for the former they do not leave emotional scars and do not accumulate in evil memory, for the latter, scars and overflow of insults lead to a break, worse to tragedy.
6. Love is not like a needle and thread, it does not interfere with individual development and self-expression. Metropolitan Anthony drew attention to the fact that “... English freedom (freedom), German freiheit (freedom, courage) both come from the Sanskrit word, which as a verb means “to love” or “to be loved”, and as a noun - “my beloved” or “My lovely". And this indicates that the fullness of freedom, the essence of freedom is such a mutual love that does not limit, does not oppress, does not eat up, as it were, another, but releases him into the fullness of being". Therefore, love survives in separation.
This can be confirmed by the happy marriage of the brilliant cellist Mstislav Leopoldovich Rostropovich and the outstanding singer and opera diva Galina Pavlovna Vishnevskaya. On March 27, 2007 M.L. Rostropovich turned 80 years old. 52 of them were married.
GP Vishnevskaya: “He turned my head in 4 days and since 1955 we have been together. For many years we did not give up each of our creative lives. We often met in the hallway when I was leaving on tour, and he was returning from his. We had overlapping meetings at the airports as well. We sometimes lived apart for six months. We both have always had a rich creative life, and this did not stop us from raising good children. We are both happy in our marriage ...
7. Love is a constructive, positive, well-studied feeling available to everyone. And the time of mystical incantations similar to the writer Leonid Zhukhovitsky: "Love is a gift of God and it must be perceived as such. It's like a thundering god throws lightning bolts" - has already passed.
The husband is the head of the department, the wife is the head of the sector of the same department, they are both over 50. They can discuss production tasks for 2 or 3 hours in the office of the head of the department and at the table of the head of the sector, other specialists can be invited to these discussions, regardless of the spouse Together or in a team of specialists, the atmosphere is 100% industrial. Sometimes the point of view of the wife - the head of the sector, takes the upper hand, but more often of the husband, he is still the head of the department. They often walk together, always go to the bazaar, to the store to shop together.
- Together, it is interesting, comfortable, free, readiness for joy, optimism, calm (or calming) prevails, there is no readiness to defend and justify.
... healthy love, or the love of a healthy, self-actualized person, can be defined as a state of defenselessness, or, in other words, as a state of utmost spontaneity and absolute sincerity.
A. Maslow
- Natural distribution of psychological responsibilities (one is joking, another is funny, one makes logical constructions, plans, the other is satisfied with it in the best way, etc.), the specific contribution of each to the optimal course, rhythm and richness of life.
- The partner understands from this obvious predictability, confidence in a stable stable emotional well-being in the future, and its desirability.
- You feel both in yourself and in your partner you feel gratitude, need, usefulness.
- There is a feeling of complementing each other, you feel the other half in your partner - your own completeness, self-sufficiency, personal problems and complexes are deactualized, you remain natural, there is no need to change something in yourself, to restrain or, on the contrary, to strengthen, be not sincere, play along, adapt. This leads to emancipation, the most complete disclosure of abilities.
- In a couple, you begin to feel your exclusivity and irreplaceability, this increases self-esteem, self-confidence, your own usefulness, significance.
- You quickly get used to all the above-described signs of love, they become everyday, subtle and are not perceived as phenomena, but as a matter of course. It is like health, when it is there, you do not notice it, but you notice when it is shaken or lost.
... a person, having satisfied his basic need, be it the need for love, security or self-respect, is deprived of it. ... it faded away.
A. Maslow
If we try to fit all the listed signs into one sentence, it will work out - after sufficient communication we acquired new positive qualities as a result of which everyone liked how he changed and what place he began to occupy in this world. G.G. Marquez accurately noted: "I love you not for who you are, but for how I become when next to you." This happens because when a man and a woman interact with the best psychotypical compatibility, a degeneration occurs: a semantic mood is formed, they become consubstantial, which leads to a qualitative strengthening of their individualities.
Details of this rebirth: "From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony." E. Pushkarev
D. Philos. V.M. Rozin said about this: "I am sure that the whole in love is not sexual attraction, bodily pleasure, communication or family, but a person (the subject of love is a person), therefore, everything listed in love is transformed and established in a new way."
“To the distinction between love and sexuality (from romantic love to“ creative ”)”. V.M. Rosin
Sexual individual love is a multi-component basic feeling, which includes the following feelings:
- by V.I. Musteinu: altruism, intimacy, admiration, respect, participation, trust, consent, pride;
- according to T. Reik: one of the main characteristics of love is security;
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because there is anguish in fear. The one who fears is imperfect in love". 1 John 4:18
- according to R. May: emphasizes friendship and strength;
- by E. Fromm: care, responsibility, respect, knowledge; the most fundamental kind of love that forms the basis of all types of love is brotherly love;
- according to Z. Rubin: affection, intimacy - trust, care;
- according to E. Pushkarev: harmonization, psychostimulation;
- by K. Izard: warmth and attachment;
- according to L. Gozman: altruism, admiration, spatial proximity, frequency of meetings, cooperation.
But the love of fried potatoes or the love of jazz or any other naturally includes other components. Sexual love is neither worse nor better, it is neither lower nor higher than other loves, because these are different phenomena. It is like rain cannot be worse or better than a river, and a river cannot be worse or better than the sea, although the essence of one and the other, and the third, is the same - water.
In the definition of love, E. Fromm included "knowledge": "... it is impossible to respect a person without knowing him: care and responsibility would be blind if they were not guided by knowledge." Knowledge is a necessary aspect of love, allowing you to penetrate into the essence, "secret" of a loved one and realize all other aspects of love. In addition, a person does not have an innate gift, to distinguish love from many pseudo-loving feelings in his experiences and this can be done only through knowledge that is better to master before the onset of sexual desires.
An important clarification in the definition of love is made by Doctor of Philosophy. V.M. Rozin "I am sure that the whole in love is not sexual attraction, bodily pleasure, communication or family, but a person (the subject of love is a person), therefore, everything listed in love is transformed and established in a new way."
Love is a state in which a person is able to feel and experience his absolute irreplaceability. In love, a person can feel the meaning of his existence for another and the meaning of the existence of another for himself. Love helps a person to manifest, revealing, increasing, developing good, positive, valuable in him. This is the highest synthesis of the meaning of human existence. Only by loving, giving myself to another and penetrating into him, I find myself, I open myself, I open both of us, I open a person.
E. Fromm.
Synonyms of love: harmony, good, mutual support, mutual assistance, care, consent,
sorrow (other. -Russian.) , longevity, usefulness, strengthening, strength, expansion, comfort, confidence, perspective, healthy offspring.
After a few weeks or months (the rate of development of love feelings for different people is different) love turns into the so-called "secondary fusion" - a copy of the state of "primary fusion" that is characteristic of the mother in relation to the child from about six months to two years. During this period, the mother perfectly feels and understands the baby's needs (for food, sleep, affection) and ideally satisfies them. Her “unconscious” adjusts to the child, she “reads” his facial expressions, distinguishes the shades of his voice, crying, etc. During this period, children experience the maximum sense of security and comfort, grow and develop better, cry and get sick much less. Psychoanalysts call this time in a child's life the state of "primary omnipotence." In the experiences of lovers, there is also this feeling of mutual omnipotence: they know that a partner will always come to their aid, that they can rely on him (or her).
Psychotherapist, sexologist Ph. D. n. Professor A. Poleev
Love is the habitat of the highest spiritual comfort, therefore it contributes to the activation of life position and self-realization. Under the influence of complicating circumstances, over the years, love becomes stronger and more meaningful. Only in love can a person become the best himself.
K. Marx's daughter Eleanor wrote about her parents : “It will not be an exaggeration if I say, without Jenny von Westfalen Karl Marx could never have become what he was".
Loving is a form of productive activity. It presupposes the manifestation of interest and care, knowledge, emotional response, expression of feelings, pleasure and can be directed to a person, tree, picture, idea. It excites and enhances the feeling of fullness of life. It is a process of self-renewal and self-enrichment.
E. Fromm
The outstanding Russian philosopher V.S. Soloviev explained this by the fact that love is associated with "the realization of the fullness of the personality": "... through love, the androgynous integrity of the personality is restored, a person ceases to be a fragmented, flawed being." And all this leads to "life replenishment".
"Androgynous integrity of personality" is the idea of the first theory of love in the history of mankind, created by Plato twenty four centuries ago, the result of which was: love is "the thirst for integrity and the desire for it."
The highest state of human love is the union of one soul in two bodies.
Indian philosopher Sri Aurobindo (first half of the 20th century)
In Love, a single true personality is reborn, by free merging of its parts, restoring once and somehow dissolving by it.
philosopher L.P. Karsavin (first half of the 20th century)
A synonym for Plato's androgyny is the concept of “unanimity” (one soul) of those who love what is formed by agreement of opinions, thoughts, assessments, value systems, moral similarities and even an attitude to humor.
But androgynous integrity is restored not only through love.
Friendship is one soul living in two bodies.
Aristotle
Friendship is one mind for two.
Mencius
S-PART-e is the pieces together.
A. Solzhenitsyn
And socionics explained that duals are androgynous this is not only a beneficial similarity, but also detailed details of psychotypical otherness, different temperaments and professional skills.
By V.S. It is not enough for Solov'ev to accept love as a gift from God; love has its true purpose, which consists not in a simple experience, enjoying this feeling, but in “the deed of love,” in what it can accomplish. That is, it is not only a feeling, it is a process, and a goal, and a space for self-awareness, self-expression and personality manifestation.
At the beginning of a love relationship, the center of a person's attention is “I”, and in a partner he seeks confirmation of his identity and personal value, then the partner “You” becomes the subject of orientation and research, who receives confirmation of his significance in a significant personal relation personality, and, finally, "We" is formed while maintaining the autonomy of each individual.
Thus, love is not a simple emotion or a feeling, it is a multicomponent, dynamic, psychophysiological, structurally complex entity - a state affecting different spheres of internal and external life, which has become an integral reality, subject to the volitional regulation of ethical, aesthetic, religious feelings that has an interested character and is based on pleasure, comfort, joy and other positive emotions. Love evokes altruistic and at the same time selfish motivation to be near the object of love, to look at it, to possess it or to protect it, to have the right to claims, to be ready to restrict one's rights and freedoms.
Is love an emotion, feeling or what? E. Pushkarev
Therefore, love is also the result of work on self-interpretation of one's own feelings and experiences, acceptance of cultural and social norms, after which styles of coping behavior are mastered, restrictions: what is possible and what is undesirable. As a result of this work, love turns out to be a mechanism of psychological, personal self-improvement.
When you find a person with whom you can speak in silence, be forever, believe selflessly and rejoice in your heart, you understand that this is Love.
A.S. Pushkin
Coping behavior in love is characterized by sufficient creative coping resource for solving both interpersonal and community problems. We can be dominated by any emotion (including negative), we can be unhappy with our partner, but we understand that we love this person and, despite irritation and even anger, there is always a certainty that very soon harmony and comfort will come and we are moving precisely in this direction.
This state cannot arise instantly, from one glance, word, touch. It takes time to comprehend, understand, get used to new qualitative changes.
Neurobiological research confirms that love is more than a "basic emotion." It is associated with certain "higher" cognitive functions because includes the activity of the departments of the cortex responsible for social cognition (working with information about other people) and perception (image) of oneself.
... love for someone is not just a strong feeling, it is determination, it is a reasonable choice, it is responsibility, it is an act.
E. Fromm
Definition of love by E. Pushkarev:
Love is a stable, harmonizing, psychostimulating, meaning-forming state (relationship and feelings) of exclusive acceptance, which has gone through the stages of inception and development, based on unchanged psychological functions throughout life (for example, K. Jung's basis), and their better compatibility among partners , and therefore becomes stronger and more wholesome over the years.
- Generations.
When each of the couple has a free heart, an active, active attitude (pattern) to gain a deep, intimate feeling. T.N. "willingness to love". The duals met, an attraction arose, and each made a conscious decision to move forward in the relationship.
- Development.
When there was a grinding in of characters, dualization, also grinding in real relationships with the subconscious (ideal) image of love.
The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.
What is love. E. Pushkarev
Is love an emotion, feeling or what? E. Pushkarev
If you eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev
This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev
What is love as a kind of psychological reality? L. Gozman, N. Azhgikhina
Almost never a marriage transitions into a relationship based on mutual personal affection gently, without crisis.
K.G. Jung
The last sign of true love, the last not in importance, but in chronology.
Mikhail Zoshchenko: “When Mrs. Death really, as they say - without deception, comes to your headboard and, saying 'Aha! we will have to lose.
Among all the wondrous feelings and phenomena, generously scattered by the hand of nature, it will be the best for us to part with love.
And, speaking in the language of poetic comparisons, our pulled out soul will clog, groan, ask back, humiliatingly saying that it has not yet seen everything that it would like to see.
But all this is nonsense, nonsense, empty excuses. She had already seen everything, everything she could.
But about love - about love special, bitter tears will be shed...".
When the writer A. Kuprin (the author of the "Garnet Bracelet") was dying, he held the hands of his wife Lisa in his hands. Leaving for another world, he was so afraid of parting with his beloved woman that she had bruises on her wrists.
Lydia Nikolaevna, wife Mikhail Isaevich Tanich: “Misha was practically dying in my arms. His last words were: "You and I are not overjoyed." I consider myself the happiest person on earth because I had 52 years of a happy family life. And now I have a bright memory".
Poet Boris Slutsker before the tragedy in his life did not write any poems about love. But when his wife Tatyana died, he wrote more than 400 love poems. During Tatyana's life, his love did not bother him because he had it, and he felt the full magnitude, the significance of love only when he lost this love.
Philia and duality is a connection between the past and the present, going into a promising future. This is the practice of human communication that has received scientific confirmation, recommendations and ways of implementation.
There is a term phylogamous (monophilogamous) family, it is a family based on love - filia.
In a stable, monophilogamous family, a child is brought up in a completely different way. The quality of his upbringing a priori surpasses the quality of upbringing in a monogamous family, where love between husband and wife is not required. In such a family, there is not simple reproduction of offspring, but high-quality reproduction. Any practice will confirm this: children who grew up in families without love are different from those who grew up in a loving family.
D. political science Alex Battler "On Love, Family and State" The book is in our library
E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"
Articles related to the same topic:
Examples of true love.
True love, it is also compatible love.
Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.
From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony.
Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev
The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.
What is love. E. Pushkarev
Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev
Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev
Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev
Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev
Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev
Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.
All articles about sex, orgasms (M and F) and their significance.
About dual relationships, team. All articles
Sexual preferences of psychotypes.
Sexual compatibility of socionic psychotypes
Sigmund Freud about love.
