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Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev

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Just as there is a disease of the body, there is also a lifestyle disease.

In love adventures there is anything but love.
F. La Rochefoucauld

Poor Love - Ludus
Another of the low-quality falling in loves is ludus. Ovid in "The Art of Love" calls this feeling "amor ludens" - love is a game. A person here seems to be playing love, and his goal is to win, and to win as much as possible, spending as little energy as possible.

Two similar statements that define the main sign of ludus:

Love is the only passion that cannot stand either the past or the future.
Honore de Balzac

I love you now, not secretly - for show,
- Not after and not before in your rays I burn;
Sobbing or laughing, but I love now,
But in the past I don’t want to, but in the future I don’t know

People want a rosy, cloudless relationship, easy as a butterfly flying. They are attracted to joyful sensations alone, and they are deterred by more serious feelings. For them, the main thing is not to stop, a day lived without a new love is a lost day. Some of them seek to have two or even three lovers at once.
Such falling in love is a game (rather, not falling in love , but amorous erotic behavior) was vividly captured in the memoirs and fiction of the 18th century.

He who loves many - knows women, who loves one - cognizes Love .
I. Selvinsky

The form of manifestation of this addiction is noticeably different from mania, but the reasons causing these poor-quality feelings are the same - psychotrauma of early childhood.
A child's dislike for a mother leads to the fact that a person, having reached adulthood, remains to a large extent a child, passionately eager to make up for the lack of emotional affection, this leads to the formation of various complexes. In some cases, this is what leads to self-affirmation through love affairs, sex with frequently changing partners. An extreme form of insecurity in one's own (sexual) identity can cause the formation of sadistic inclinations.

I didn't know love was a contagion,
I did not know that love is a plague.
Came up with a narrowed eye
I drove the bully crazy.
If you analyze the poems of S. Yesenin, then you can quite accurately diagnose his infection is addiction - ludus.
When the moon is good alone,
When the sun is calling another.
I don’t understand what kind of wine
Is your young soul drunk?
S. Yesenin

There is even such a term "falling in love", one of the forms of manifestation of feelings that characterizes people - frequent falling in love. Many writers, poets, artists were inclined to fall in love: N. A. Nekrasov, I. A. Bunin and many others.

The most famous literary hero is a human being Don Juan. And the most famous human genius can be considered A.S. Pushkin.

While in Bessarabia, A.S. Pushkin fell in love with a young gypsy woman with whom he wanted to play love, and even tried to please the elders of the camp with money, he was refused. But with such sweet speeches he confused the young Gypsy woman that she, seized with an irresistible passion, obediently followed the seducer to Odessa - towards her death. But in Odessa, the poet had already fallen in love with another.
V. Rozanov "The family issue in Russia"

I loved you: love more, maybe
In my soul it has not completely faded away

Alexander Sergeevich experienced this feeling 113 times before meeting Natalia Goncharova, his charming wife was 114 on her love list and she knew about it. The author of the book: P.K. Gruber sets out Pushkin's Don Juan list in detail and detail.

When in my arms
I conclude your slender body
And the speech of tender love
I squander you with delight ...

And this is about the beautiful wife Natalie: "In everyday life at home, the angel appeared to be a capricious, eccentric, demanding, vain, absurd creature."
It is quite accurate to say about the reasons for the love inconstancy of the great poet: deprived of parental warmth in childhood, cold relationship with his mother, plus a hot, stormy temperament.

"Well, what a gloomy lump this little boy! .. You won't hear laughter from Alexander. He doesn't run. He drops toys. He wanders from room to room, dragging his legs lazily. Silence and pronounced laziness annoy the boy's mother. She would like a child that is lively, laughing, alive, she prefers her sister Olga, who is two years older, and prefers her brother Levushka. Really, of the three children, it is Alexander who does her least honor. Disgust. She herself is surprised that she gave birth to such a scarecrow. Yes, in fact, who does he look like? Like a badly bleached black man, that's who ... She forcibly makes him run ... pouting her lips at her son, without talking to him for whole days; complains to Sergei Lvovich, shedding streams of tears ... He gets angry, shouts, waves it off, demands that he no longer be annoyed with stories about little Alexander ... ... in any case, he rubbed his palms against one another ... he lost his handkerchiefs ... Nadezhda Osipovna tied his little hands behind his back, and left it for the whole day ... ordered him to sew a handkerchief to his jacket, and ordered to change it no more than twice a week; and, in order to humiliate her son, she forced him to go out to the guests, to whom she showed this sewn handkerchief, accompanying it with lengthy comments. The poor child blushed with shame, like a cancer, drooping his head ...". (From the book by Henri Troyat "Alexander Pushkin")
Episode from the life of 13-year-old Sasha. He loved his inaccessible mother very much and expected her rare visits to the lyceum where he lived. On one of these visits, he quickly ran along the corridors and squares, but instead of opening her arms to him, his mother coldly and sternly said: "Sasha behave yourself." Since childhood, Alexander was defiantly impudent and at the same time shyly vulnerable, he found it difficult to get along with his peers, fleeting love experiences helped him to compensate for his complexes.

Another outstanding personality in the history of ludus.
In the book "The Story of My Life" Giacomo Casanova (1725-1798) describes his thirty-five years of sexual experience: one hundred thirty-six girls and women (including: royalty - 15, ladies of the noble class - 18). The story of his sex life began at the age of seventeen. After writing his memoirs, he lived another twenty-four years, naturally with amorous adventures.

" Love is three-quarters curiosity".
by D. Casanova

Not being able to caress a woman is worse than not being able to read and write.
D. Casanova

A case from life. “Both my father and grandfather were ladies' men, this brought a lot of suffering and trouble to my grandmother and mother. Seeing this in childhood and adolescence, I was also very worried about it, so even in my youth I made a vow never to cheat on my wife.
I married for love, I was lucky with my wife, I love her to this day. But I am very attracted to caring for other women and I am good at it, I do it recklessly, inventively. I always remember the vow that I gave in my youth, so I take care of the woman, until then I start noticing that she is ready for reciprocal feelings and sexual continuation. Then I retreat, as I remember how much grief the love affairs of my father and grandfather brought to the family.
For courtship, I choose the most inaccessible, married women, usually the wives of big bosses. All the women I courted at a certain stage reciprocated and readiness to continue in bed, but this only complicated my life, I had to look for another more unapproachable woman. I think that if I do not go to bed with a woman, then I am not cheating on my wife, I’m scared to imagine if my wife files for divorce. I cannot but take care of women because I believe that genes manifest themselves in this way, and there is nothing you can do about genes. Therefore, I want to find a woman who would be indifferent to my courtship and would not agree to bed options for relationships. "Pavel.

Honest people love women; deceivers adore them.
by P. Beaumarchais

“After all, it is necessary to openly declare that men are in love to a certain extent with too many women, women in too many men, almost all are in almost a certain sense in love, the unquenchable thirst to torment people and love yearning have no limit. There is nothing morally reprehensible in this, but a terrible tragedy is hidden in this disease of love fetishism, in this fragmentation of love and its object. Each soul has its own intended in the world, the only kindred soul, an addition to the integral individuality, and in this life, the human soul spends its divine power of Eros for a million reasons, directs it to elusive fractional parts, practices fetishism. Don Juanism is the loss of personality in love, the power of love without the meaning of love".
N. Berdyaev. "Metaphysics of Sex and Love"

Z. Freud: "We all have suppressed polygamy"

Sigmund Freud about love. E. Pushkarev

From modern neurophysiological and biochemical studies of love relationships occurring in the body and brain structures of lovers, Helen Fisher concludes that we have three different brain structures that provide the ability to experience different types of love in the same period of time: sex drive , romantic love (romantic love) and a sense of deep enduring affection. H. Fischer writes: “it is biologically possible to show a feeling of deep affection for the primary (primary) partner, while being romantically in love with another and at the same time feel sexual attraction to even more people ... this allows us to be socially monogamous and secretly cheating at the same time "(Fisher H., 1994).

Take the Helen Fisher test to select the best partner hormonal compatibility.

A case from life. “My beloved hubby is a womanizer. Also, when I was going to marry him, my friends said to me:“ Nastya, what are you doing, because he will not miss a single skirt, he will be attached. Think about it. "But even then and now I can't imagine my life without my beloved hubby. A year after the wedding, I found out that my hubby had cheated on me. I cried for a long time, worried hard. When I calmed down, I decided: since nature made him so , I'd rather introduce him myself to future lovers - my girlfriends, than he will get to know them somewhere out there, in the garbage. But I'm calm now
I myself have never had a desire to cheat on my hubby, since there is nothing that I can get from another man that he cannot give me".

V.S. Solovyov proceeds from “idealization inevitably and involuntarily inherent in love” and writes: “Love idealization, having ceased to be the source of insane deeds, does not inspire anyone. It turns out to be only a decoy that makes us desire physical and worldly possession, and disappears as soon as this not at all ideal goal is achieved". The philosopher himself, although he never connected his life with any woman, suffered from "restless amorousness", experiencing numerous hobbies.

V.S. Soloviev "The Meaning of Love". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Redundancy is a game in which everyone cheats: men pretend to be sincere, and women are bashful, and everyone is deceiving himself.
J. Say

Don Juanism is not only a lot of young people, Don Juans are even over 70 years old. "The Cleopatra Complex" is a female version of Don Juan. Cleopatra achieves a man, after reciprocity arises, she cools down and begins to seek another man.
Another form of manifestation of ludus among women is prostitution. Statistics show that only 17% of prostitutes with strong sexual constitution, the rest with medium and weak, who are of little interest in pure sex. Therefore, for a significant part of prostitutes, the leading incentive of their profession is that, in such a surrogate form, they make up for the lack of intimate attention of frequently changing men, feel their need, gender identity, which is also a confirmation of their value for them.

Very often, if a man's character traits are weak, because he is emotionally a child, he will try to compensate for this deficiency by exaggerating his male role in sex. Such is Don Juan, who needed to prove his masculine prowess in sex, because he is insecure about his masculinity in terms of character. When the lack of masculinity is more extreme, sadism (the use of force) becomes the main - perverted - substitute for masculinity.
Erich Fromm


From Marina's story. "In my life I come across some womanizers, and they are so different that I even made their classification:
Classic womanizer. He is interested in almost all any interesting women he sees. He can start dating a woman even when he goes on a date to his girlfriend. And having met, he immediately forgets about everything in the world, turning into a stormy, ardent lover. Will take a lot of ingenuity, efforts, so as not to leave at least until the morning. And in the morning, when he is in a hurry to go to work, he will meet the woman again, pick up the phone and agree to meet in the evening without fail, because for him this meeting is very important and even fateful. At work, he will remember that he never reached his girlfriend, he will be very ashamed. He will compose a long story with police, criminals, persecution, etc. But this evening he will definitely come and nothing can separate them for the rest of their lives. He will fantasize so sincerely that at this moment he himself will believe in his lies. In the evening, most likely history will repeat itself from the beginning.

Obviously, singer and composer Mikhail Muromov belongs to this type of womanizer. He reported from the blue screen that he had more than 7,800 mistresses. Until 3000, he remembered everyone by name and surname.

Womanizer monogamous. He always loves only one woman, other women cease to exist for him. He actively looks after, gives expensive gifts, takes to resorts, on cruises. And as soon as a woman falls head over heels in love with him, he cools down to her because he begins to understand that this love was not real, but true love awaits him ahead. Therefore, soon he falls in love with another woman, another love cycle begins.
Womanizer entertainer. He is interested not in one particular woman, but in a female collective, and he gets to know a group of women. This is a very erudite, beautiful and a lot of talking joker and joker. He likes to be in the center of female attention, it inspires and feeds him. And the women's collective itself is transformed with him, everyone laughs a lot, livens up. If not all, then the majority of women fall in love with him, it is simply impossible not to fall in love with such a cheerful, direct, all-knowing. A struggle for him begins between women, from this he is even more inspired and becomes even more cheerful and witty than Zhvanetsky. But when one of the women, the winner, achieves it, they are left alone, it fades, fades, and soon becomes almost invisible, after which it disappears altogether. Immediately gets acquainted with another women's team and the cycle repeats.
Womanizer dreamer. He rarely changes real women, but he often changes the women of his dreams. His favorite place is the sofa. About a woman who is an ideal for him at the moment, he tells with inspiration, to everyone in a row, in every possible way extols her, sings, admires, his eyes are burning. But soon his ideal changes and if he is asked the question: "After all, only yesterday you admired Mary, and today you started talking about Claudius?" Answer: "Well, how can you compare Maria with Claudia, because Claudia is a divine ideal, this is a miracle, a charm, an unearthly creature:" In a week, another Claudia will be forgotten, and the focus will be on another".
Mini ludus. "I have a young man whom I love madly. I want to be with him always, everything suits. BUT ... if a situation arises that I go somewhere to visit my friends or something else, seeing there a person who I liked it, I will not miss the opportunity to flirt with him and, perhaps, develop this relationship in the future, even if not seriously. I have had enough of such cases, but this does not mean that I DO NOT LOVE my young man. , but I also love new sensations, short-lived, interesting, passionate. What I do is constant betrayal? So? Why? Although, I demand from my partner ABSOLUTE purity and loyalty in the relationship! Oksana "

If you have been deceived in love, then this deceiver is you.
V. Levy

Vadim Lyudyanin professional, 46 years old, lawyer, has his own office, a native Muscovite, homeless person - does not have his own home, lives with women, sometimes two weeks, sometimes two months. Inna, one of Vadim's women: "He is gentle and affectionate, when Vadim is next to me, I am overwhelmed with feelings of joy, comfort. Next to him, my life is filled with content, becomes full. He leads me to interesting parties, presentations, I am immersed in a bright, colorful world, who was simply unknown to me before him. Vadim is cheerful, simple and spontaneous and, interestingly, I become the same as him. In no other situation do I like myself as much as in the company with Vadim, It's a pity that tomorrow, in a week , in two, he will be gone for a long time. I'm afraid of that".

The Womanizer is a very lonely person. Help me find a woman with whom I would not feel this terrible, depressing loneliness. :
Otar Kushanashvili

The great French utopian Charles Fourier long ago suggested recognizing that there is a factor (there are monogamous people, there are many people) and create conditions under which monogamous people would be happy with monogamous people, many people with many people. Charles Fourier was a utopian because he proposed things that were completely unrealizable.

If you have been cheated twice, then you are at one with the cheater.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

There are other types of low-quality falling in love.
Poor love is a mania.

On the impact of such neurotic loves and relationships on health in the book by Kurt Tepervine "Psychosomatics, relationships and health." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Letters to the Club

Hello Evgeny! Recently I read your comments about what men love with their eyes, and I want to hear your opinion on the subject of my story!
I fell in love with a man who also loves to love not only with his eyes, and all beautiful girls! I know about the facts of his life, according to which I would classify him as a gigolo! Here is such an explosive mixture, and I'm in love. I tried to break this connection, but then she returned to him! It hurts, it is unpleasant that he is like that, I understand that he will not change his lifestyle, even because of me! Although he offered me to become his wife, but this is not serious !!! We rarely see each other, since we live in different countries. I constantly try to urge him to be serious, I am indignant at his lies, but when I see him I’m ready to forgive everything. How can I be happy with someone I don’t believe? And I can't believe 100%, knowing his nature. Some kind of vicious circle. Really looking forward to your reply. Thank you in advance, Inga.

You know, everyone wants to know a great light feeling, like love, everyone. But why are all love stories so sad?
Here is mine - now I am 25 years old, 4 years ago I met a man at work, he was then 30, and he was married, at the first glance at each other in my heart I understood clearly that this is HE, that this is and there is LOVE.
He courted me, drove me home, made compliments, my soul fluttered at that time, and my heart ached and could not beat, but I understood that he was married, and I could not agree to such a relationship, especially soon his daughter was born ... He left our common job ... In general, we stopped communicating, but ... the heart ... hmm, it does not deceive, he returned six months later, already a divorced man ... Yes, we began a relationship, at first great, emotional, soul-revealing sex ... then he began to live alone, I thought that now, he would offer me a heart and a hand, but no. Then I decided to find out how they parted with his wife, I found out - he cheated on her when she was pregnant, and you know, we even look alike in appearance.
Now we see each other every week, on weekends he goes to his mother in Ryazan ... with her and with the child, and I am just a shadow, no one knows about me. But, Lord, what does he say, I love you, I cannot live without you, I am dying without you, do you understand what IT is? He even plans our future, children ... only dates, but when? All this is just for him in the future!
And recently he admitted that love is forever, and that he loves his ex-wife, but as a relative, and me as a woman, madly and furiously, and the meaning of his life is in children, so that there are many of them!
Oh, God, I'm ready to give birth to him, to give birth, but in marriage !!! I believe that he loves me, no, I do not believe, but I know !! But ... how many of these but, his ex thinks that he wants to return to her, I also found this out, not without reason all this!
How to be, what to do! Pain pierces my whole being, so it is simply NOT possible to love! How to think with your head and not love with your heart?

This is a page from the section Psychology of Love

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми