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From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony. E Pushkarev

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Love needs a reasonable content, like oil to keep a fire.
V.G. Belinsky

Love is more than rational consciousness, but without it, it could not act as an inner saving force that uplifts rather than abolishes individuality.
V.S. Soloviev

Not only every organ, but every cell of the body, if they are not damaged, function correctly, because they contain the entire set of information necessary for the normal functioning of the organism. But there is no genetic code that would govern the choice of a mate, married life.

Marriage is a fairly young social form of life in historical terms, so there is no innate set of instructions on this,

In addition to the five main wives, the Kiev prince Vladimir "Red Sun" had 800 concubines (... and his concubine was 300 in Vyshegorod, and 300 in Belegorod, and 200 in Berestove), and the chronicler emphasizes that the prince was not fed up with this and spent to his bed of married wives and girls. This harem was officially dissolved when Russia adopted Orthodoxy.

The traditions of polygamy were kept in Russia for more than one century after baptism. The presence of several "spouses" was not the privilege of princes and nobility. The Old Russian legislative code "Extensive Truth" provides for a situation when his "timid children" take part in the division of the property of a deceased person together with their mother (Article 98).
Professor, Doctor of History V. Dolgov. "A good wife is a crown to her husband and sorrow": relations in the family. Ancient Russia XI-XIII centuries

During the 2010 All-Russian Population Census, information was obtained about the so-called polygamous marriage unions. There are 1616 of them in Russia. In Ingushetia - 30, in Chechnya - 75, in Stavropol - 6, in Moscow - 732, in St. Petersburg - 382.

All stages of marriage are determined by social norms that exist in a given society at the moment. Moreover, these norms change from time to time. And it is at the moment of transition from one type of choice of a marriage partner to another that the greatest number of failures, problems, family dramas occur, which is happening now in our society.
In the twentieth century, especially in the second half, when, for the first time in the history of mankind, the initiative to choose a marriage partner began entirely with the young, practice and statistics showed that this system turned out to be the most unsuccessful of all that existed before.

Even Mechnikov noted that there is a sharp disharmony: the craving for love (12-14 years old) appears when a woman's body is not adapted for normal childbirth. Fueled by advertising companies, pop audi and the visual industry mercilessly exploit this interest in the form of an endless stream of love songs, stories, TV series. Wallpaper, motor oils, beer, whatever is advertised against the backdrop of half-naked, loving, beautiful, dancing young couples. This endless sugary - dramatic amorous stream does not pass without leaving a trace for the psyche of young people, violent, ardent, tragic forms of sexual behavior are imposed. And as a consequence, young people approach the moment of choosing a marriage partner “in love with“ unearthly love ”with skewed expectations that are inflated from this phenomenon.

In a survey conducted by a student magazine, more than half of the students wished for richness of feelings, drama, and passionate love.

The other side of drama and passionate love.
In an experiment conducted under the guidance of Professor of the University of Acadia, Dr. Lachlan McWilliams, took part 5645 representatives of the fairer sex aged 18 to 60 years. It turned out that Miss and Mrs, who felt uncertain about the future of their relationship with a partner or felt discomfort while spending time together, were significantly more susceptible to various kinds of chronic diseases, such as, for example, arthritis, headaches, seasonal allergies.
According to Dr. McWilliams, those women in whose life there is so-called restless attachment are more likely to suffer from these disorders, as well as asthma, high blood pressure, chronic lung diseases, high blood sugar or diabetes, stomach ulcers , disorders of the functioning of the cardiovascular system, epilepsy, seizures and cancer.

Why am I worse than Don Antonio and Louise?
The "phantom of love" is brought to the point of absurdity.
"Factory", "About Love":
I will fold my palms like this
To shout louder
That's why I live
To tell you words,
About love, about you,
About familiar words painfully:
It turns out that she said the words of love and you can undermine the suicide bomber's belt or, like a scorpion, after copulation the female kills the male. Love is not a peak, which it climbed on Saturday and descended on Monday; love is a new quality of life. Love increases life potential, stability, expands individual capabilities. Only loving parents can have healthy, full-fledged children.

Basic principles for choosing a marriage partner:
1. Young people are guided by love. Under love, in this case, what the heart prompts is accepted. Sociologist N. Yurkevich found that 70% - 93% (depending on age) of the people he interviewed married for love.

It's not that people don't think love is important. They were hungry for her; they watch countless films about happy and unhappy romances; they listen to hundreds of low-quality love songs - but hardly anyone thinks that love requires any prior knowledge.
E. Fromm

What kind of knowledge, when hormones are seething, and our whole culture is aiming "listen to what the heart prompts."

And as a result we have:

From 1950 to 2002, there was a rapid tendency towards an increase in divorce rates in Russia, the “boiling point” was recorded in 2002 - 84 out of 100 marriages broke up. This was followed by a decline, but the upward trend in divorce rates in Russia continues, which indicates the existence of a serious demographic threat. Doctor of Social Sciences Professor A.V. Vereshchagin

Now (1999, the trend is growing), half of young families break up in the first year of life, two thirds - in the first five years, in 70% of families that have not yet broken up, the spouses are in tense relations ...
D.philos.n. V.M. Rozin "Problems of love in the context of the contradictions of the modern family."

Number of divorces per 1000 marriages in 2000:
Magadan region 1426
Saint-Petersburg 827
Moscow 673
Ingushetia 35
(In Ingushetia, the life expectancy of men is 10 years more than the average for Russia)

According to the 2012 UN Demographic Yearbook, Russia is the first country with the highest number of divorces. Further Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova. On the 6th - the USA.

Only 1.5% of Russians surveyed answered positively to the question "Are your relations with your loved one harmonious."

“According to official statistics, we have 70 divorces per 100 marriages. And I say that 100% of marriages are divorces. We don't have families as such. It's just that people live in isolation in one territory, isolated from each other.
We have such families that only the outer shell keeps people together. I researched families where the marriage lasted 10-15 years, and asked, asked a question of this type: "You would now marry your husband, but only everything will happen again as it was." And vice versa. As a result, only 5% of men did not regret having married this woman. And 9% of women. But, let's say, I agree to marry her, and my wife would not marry me now, if on a new one. So out of 11,400 families of this kind, it turned out, there are five, where there is a mutual choice". (Total less than 05%)
Corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M.E. Litvak "Love is a rare thing." Our library "Love, family, sex and about ..." contains almost all of his books.

If the result of a sociological study is less than the statistical error, this means that it will not be a mistake if we accept that the phenomenon under study (love) is generally absent in married life.

This is how cultural stereotypes deceive us, and a whole section is devoted to this on the site Ecology of the culture of love.

Beauty stereotypes imposed on the heart by the pop industry.
In one of the TV programs, a 12-year-old girl got up and quite sincerely began to tell that she would like her chosen one to be like Ricky Martin, Leonard DiCaprio, Tarkan and two more of her pop idols at the same time. And when the presenter asked an ironic question: "Where can one find such a thing?" The girl did not hesitate, obviously her answer was already ready, blurted out: "Well, now he lives in a remote village, and when he grows up, he will come to Moscow and we will meet." By the age of 16, she will already understand that to look like five handsome men at once is a clear inflection and will want him to resemble only Ilya Lagutenko (options are possible), it is the format of this image that will be fixed in the subconscious as a standard for which interest will arise.
Another paradox. Why are the long legs of fashion models considered so sexy when physiologists say otherwise? Sexologists associate the erotic effect of female legs with their proximity to the genital organs and with the associations they excite. "Legs, if they are good, are capable of making ugly ones beautiful," wrote Aristenet, a Byzantine writer of the 6th century.
Usually the leg is about half the height. The shorter the legs in comparison with the height, the higher the sexual activity. And here there is a clear physiological rationale. The fact is that the more rapidly the period of puberty proceeds, the more sex hormones a man has at this age, the higher his sexual energy throughout his life. But sex hormones, if there are many of them, have the property of retarding the growth of tubular bones, while the body continues to grow during adulthood. So it turns out that the legs "lag behind" in comparison with the general growth. This process is the same for both men and women.

The ratio of leg length to height as an indicator "Type of sexual constitution."

But Lavrenty Beria chose his mistresses with short, muscular, embossed legs.

The documentary filmed the film "The Ugliness of Beauty", it shows the tricks that people use in different parts of the world to be more beautiful. The film has found a good title, that for some disgrace a long neck, stretched lips, ears, painted eyes and lips, tattoos, scars, sawed teeth for others are the standards of beauty.
It seems to us that we are in love with a specific person, in fact, we are in love with the image projected by the subconscious on this person, and this image is in most cases imposed on us by the environment. Dreams, desires, thoughts of our consciousness are just a thin veil covering the subconscious, which is actively and constantly working, "bending its own line."
2. In social psychology, there is a phenomenon called "stock exchange". The essence of the "exchange exchange" is that a person chooses a partner whom he considers to be equivalent to himself. That is, when choosing a pair, we are somewhat like a stockbroker who meticulously and carefully examines the object of exchange. We evaluate external data, financial status, social status, as well as all kinds of personal qualities, such as caring, creativity and a sense of humor. With a cosmic speed, our brain processes the incoming information, giving out a rating of the person we are interested in, and if we consider it to be equal to what we have on our side, we come up with a "business proposal" and start a "bidding". In addition to youth, appearance and social status, we are interested in a whole complex of properties in the chosen one. For example, the fact that a woman is not her first youth, or the fact that a man has a not very prestigious job, may be overshadowed by the fact that he or she is charming, has a high intellect, temperament, and earnings.

After that, as E. Fromm wrote harshly, “... young people enter the market of human bodies in accordance with all the laws of the market - wanting to sell themselves at a higher price and buy a quality product at a lower price”. For this, according to the apt expression of R. Skiner and J. Cleese, on the facade of their personality they expose what, from their point of view, is the most socially valuable. The rest - first of all, that which people themselves do not like, condemn, consider unacceptable - they hide "behind a screen" so that no one will ever see it and even they themselves would forget about such filling of themselves. Candidate of Psychological Sciences V. Buganova

When you get married, take a finished product, not a semi-finished product.
Psychotherapist, MD M. Litvak

In recent years, the letters that come to my site are all on one topic: how to achieve happiness in your personal life. Some complain about fate, others about men, but absolutely everyone wants simple recipes: how should you be in relationships with men - brave and active or soft and expectant? What strategy should you take to keep him from slipping away? How to "squeeze" a man before marriage? And the main question: what "dolls" are in the greatest demand now?
E. Belyakova "Love is not for the infantile!"

With a twist ... must be cupcakes! With riddles - crossword clue! But a woman - should be with brains!

In our library of books and videos: "Love, family, sex and about ..." there is a book by psychologist Vladimir Basun " Man as a product and a buyer in the sex marriage market: The Psychology of Evaluation, Partner Choice and Pair Formation. In it, he examines precisely this principle in detail.

According to V. I. Zatsepin, marital and family representations of young people are clearly consumer unrealistic - the average desired spouse surpassed the “average” real young man from the immediate environment of female students in his positive qualities. Similarly to young male students, the ideal spouse was presented as a woman who was not only better than real girls, but also surpassed them in intelligence, honesty, fun and hard work.

The fact that the everyday stereotype: "choose an equal" is far from always true can be confirmed by an example.
Another petitioner, the pretty flower girl Christina, comes to the Weimar sage, Minister of Foreign Affairs, Privy Councilor Johann Wolfgang Goethe. The amorous and sophisticated sage once again flared with passion and they became lovers, he is 39 years old, she is 23. Soon Christina goes to live with Goethe, he is in no hurry to enter into a marriage relationship, checks his and her feelings. This test lasted eighteen years, during which the great poet was more than once carried away and had connections, but every time he was convinced that Christina was better than others. That is why he was a sage, that he understood: if a simple flower girl cannot appreciate everything he created, the main thing is that they feel good together. They got married and were quite happy, although in the light of this marriage they perceived ambiguously, there were a lot of gossip and poisonous epigrams.

In genetics, there is the concept of assortability, non-randomness of the choice of a sexual partner.
Assortability is a phenomenon in which the formation of married couples or interbreeding in relation to any trait does not occur randomly: there is a sexual preference. For example, in human populations there is an assortability in growth, in the similarity of IQ, in the overwhelming majority of cases, marriages are concluded between people who are similar to each other.

3. "Personality theory" - which introduces a new dimension to the order of choosing a partner. An important factor when choosing a partner is how much a potential fan / admirer is able to contribute to our self-affirmation. We wear masks, which are considered our personalities, and this is exactly the image in which we appear before others. Personality theory says that we choose a partner who will enhance the impression we make. That is, the person as if asks himself: "How will others perceive me if I connect my life with this person?"

If the first principles of choosing a marriage partner "in love" are the largest number, then the second and third can be attributed to marriage of convenience. The number of types of calculations for marriage in real life is naturally much larger, two are given only for example.

graph of the ratio of married for love and for convenience There is a coinciding statistics of married “for love” and “by calculation” of the Permian sociologist Z. Feinburg and Indian psychologists Usha Gupta and Pushpa Singh (Usha Gupta & Pushpa Singh, 1982). Those who married for love noted the extinction of love feelings if their marriage lasted more than five years. Those who married for convenience, on the other hand, indicated that the feeling of love increased in comparison with the feeling that they experienced when they were newlyweds. On the graph made by Usha Gupta and Pushpa Singh, the vertical line is "the power of love", the horizontal is the age of marriage.

In addition to being "charged" with a certain external format, there is an expectation of strong love from a partner according to a certain scenario. In lovers, in their expectations, there is an imposed conviction that the partner should read their minds, guess and fulfill desires.
After the wedding, without waiting for her secret desires from her husband, the wife begins to get angry, because she is sure that the husband is doing this on purpose.
A study was conducted of female reprimands against her husband, and reproaches were investigated through participatory observation. This method consists in the fact that male volunteers for a long time recorded the number, content and characteristics of reproaches from their wives. extraneous factors. In relatively prosperous families, the number of reproaches from wives against their husbands ranged from 2 to 3 per day. Despite the variety of reproaches, the common goal was to humiliate the partner, to annoy him, the desire to cause frustration (a state of confusion). The ultimate goal of reproaches was not to correct objective shortcomings, as in productive criticism, but to try to "master the partner" to dominate him.
Confession: "We fought every day, although there were no serious reasons. Sometimes I painfully tried to remember how the next litigation began. And I could not. Or if I did, then I felt ashamed. It seemed to him that the soup He said - I was offended. Then I asked him why I came home from work later than usual, - he flared up. And neither he nor I can get out of the quarrel. in a normal tone".
So it turns out that the one we like the most before the wedding is the least suitable for marriage.

In the 80s of the last century, the US leadership, puzzled by the constantly increasing number of divorces, set the "Association of Psychotherapists" with the task of identifying their causes and developing recommendations for reducing them. The Association conducted a large, comprehensive, expensive research, the first part of the problem - the reasons, was successfully solved: a mistake in choosing a spouse. And the second part of the problem remains unaffordable for American psychotherapists to this day. And the number of divorces is growing steadily.

Love is what happens to men and women who don't know each other.
US Maugham

For example, we can give another algorithm for choosing a marriage partner - the "filter theory" proposed by Ph.D. L. Gozman.
In this theory, it is said that information about an object of interest to us passes through three filters in order to determine whether this is the one or not the person with whom we need to continue to build relationships.

The first filter - a person is considered as a bearer of qualities: appearance, character traits, behavior) and filtering here occurs at the "like or dislike" level.

Second, a similarity filter. For him, the important criteria are being engaged in joint activities, coincidence in interests and worldview, pastime, as well as the possibility of mutual complementarity by partners of each other.

Third, the role-matching filter. It contains our opinion on how a partner should play the role of a lover, friend, husband, which should be manifested in his behavior, duties and attitude towards us.

As a result of such amateur performance, the result at all times was the same:

“And we were two convicts who hated each other, bound by one chain, poisoning each other's lives and trying not to see it. I did not know then that 0.99 marriages live in the same hell as I lived, and that it could not be otherwise. Then I still did not know this either about others or about myself ”reasoning of the protagonist from the story“ The Kreutzer Sonata ”by Pozdnyshev. In the afterword to "The Kreutzer Sonata" L.N. Tolstoy openly identified with Pozdnyshev.

Most people, passing from the romanticism of adolescent falling in love to adult life, do not move to love, but to being, in which there is no place for either falling in love or love. In this being, love and falling in love are replaced by sexual addiction and material attachment, causing longing in temporary loneliness and boredom in being together.
A.N. Afanasyev.

... the first place among all human misfortunes (wars, diseases, epidemics, natural and other disasters) is confidently kept by love and family troubles. Life has shown for more than the first millennium that this area of our being is the most uncontrollable, the most unpredictable and insidious, the most cruel and fraught with injuries and tragedies.
Psychotherapist V. Levy

Statistics, statements of outstanding, famous people have shown that in families created according to the principles listed above, love is practically absent, therefore these principles should be classified as disharmonious. Now let's move on to:

The principle of choosing a marriage partner leading to harmony in the family or to phylogamy.

In the definition of love, E. Fromm included “knowledge”: “Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It implies care, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop. This is a manifestation of closeness between two human beings, provided that the integrity of each of them is preserved. "Elsewhere"... it is impossible to respect a person without knowing him: care and responsibility would be blind if they were not guided by knowledge." Knowledge is a necessary aspect of love, allowing you to penetrate into the essence, "secret" of a loved one and realize all other aspects of love. In addition, a person does not have an innate gift, to distinguish love from a multitude of pseudo-love feelings and this can be done only through knowledge that is better to master before the onset of sexual desires. In any case, it is better to know this before submitting an application to the registry office.

There are sixty queens and eighty concubines and maidens without number, but she is the only one - my dove, my pure one ...
King Solomon (about Shulamith)

One name of King Solomon, spoken aloud, excited the heart of a woman, like the scent of spilled myrrh, reminiscent of nights of love.
A. I. Kuprin "Sulamith"

To designate the highest form of sexual love, the philosopher V.S. Soloviev uses the concept of syzygy, which means "combination" in Greek. This word was used in the era of late antiquity to denote such a conjugation between a man and a woman, which is the basis of a strong marriage union. For many centuries after antiquity, the secret of the combination of a man and a woman leading to syzygy, the ability of a lover to see in a loved one what others do not notice, in a special positivity and harmony of mutual influence, could not unravel. In the second half of the twentieth century, several famous psychologists proposed their versions explaining the nature of love as a result of the best compatibility, or, more precisely, the best psychotypical compatibility.

The most famous theory, which has the largest number of followers, is the work "The dual nature of man." A. Augustinavichiute - the founder of socionics. Socionics is the only one of the psychological sciences that suggests the best psychotypes, from which strong family unions are formed, as well as combinations in which in no case should this be done. ... There is such an aphorism: "Love is impossible to find, it can only be found", socionics suggests that path, following which the probability of meeting love increases many times over.

Nature has taken care and created an ideal marriage partner for every person, but it has made the way to find him so difficult that a minority of people manage to do it without special knowledge.
Duals are people with the best compatibility, only between them can there be real, natural love .

Soul mechanisms that arise, develop and work in dual pairs are described:

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

True love, it is also compatible love.

Friendship + Love = Filia.

How love is viewed in socionics.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.

Examples of true love.

The situation with tricks from the confession, which was simply impossible above in a dual pair, since the dual is the source of only a supportive, encouraging mood. Because the duals have ideological similarity, these are “kindred souls”.

Love, love - legend says -
Union of the soul with the native soul -
Their union, combination,
And Their Fatal Merger.
And ... the fatal duel ...
F.I. Tyutchev

I would like to find a soul mate,
What is so similar to mine ...
And together we will listen to the silence ...
Here on earth ... and there, in paradise ...
Do not ask empty questions ...
Do not collect grievances in the house ...
Watch the thunderstorms blaze ...
And to know that we are always together ...
And if suddenly the Soul cries
In my bodily existence,
Someone will console ... it means,
We are not alone in the world ...
G. Volenberg

And this predetermines mutual understanding, interest arises from communication, mutual actions, mental comfort develops, empathic, trusting relationships. This causes a desire to do a good deed for the partner, and this causes an even greater desire to deliver reciprocal pleasure. Everything! The chain reaction of the development of love feelings as the highest form of value relationships has been launched and now it will develop until the end of the century "until a person perishes in the earth." That is why over the years love becomes even stronger and more wholesome.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

Love is not so much a feeling that leads to marriage, as the disclosure of the effective light energy of a person and other abilities in life together. Love ceases to be a separate feeling, but becomes a universal state of the soul, body, mind, behavior.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

All these pleasant processes of finding and realizing spiritual comfort and harmony take time, and therefore love does not exist at first sight, it can only excite love, lust, and they have nothing to do with love.

True love cannot be born until falling in love dies.
Gary Chapman "Five languages of love"

Love at first sight does not exist.
Ray Short Professor of Sociology at the University of Wisconsin

F.M. Dostoevsky has a beautiful, wise saying: “To love is to see a person as God intended him to be,” and so the duals see each other as God intended them. Of course, if you wish, you can find something destructive, dark in every person, but there is an abundance of positive in the dual pair, so why look for tar in a barrel of honey? Although masochists and neurotics, who are not so few in this particular direction,

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

but this is a different look at the phenomenon and problems.

There are eight dual pairs in total.
Don Quixote (Seeker) - Dumas (Mediator)
Hugo (Enthusiast) - Robespierre (Analyst)
Hamlet (Mentor) - Maxim (Inspector)
Zhukov (Marshal) - Yesenin (Lyric)
Napoleon (Politician) - Balzac (Critic)
Jack (Entrepreneur) - Dreiser (Guardian)
Stirlitz (Administrator) - Dostoevsky (Humanist)
Huxley (Advisor) vs. Gaben (Master)
And here are some excerpts about the relationship of duals from articles by professional socionists.
"In a word, the dual is really the very" half "that every socionist dreams of meeting with (a non-socionist cannot dream, because it is impossible to dream about what you have no idea about!). In the current dual dyad, people generally forget about, for example, what complexes are. There are no complexes!
What is a revelation for one of the duals, for the second is a usual behavioral reaction, almost spontaneous. You can say about everything, you can ask about everything, the feeling of shame and awkwardness disappears, you can literally be naked - spiritually and (or) physically - and it will not seem strange or uncomfortable".

"Ode to dual contact" G. Shulman

Love is poetry and the sun of life. But woe to the one who, in our time, decides to build a building of his happiness on love alone.
V. G. Belinsky

"We need duality, subconsciously expect and persistently seek, but when we find, we are surprised. What happens to us? We become different: more confident, more cheerful, kinder, more responsive, stronger, in a word, better, and life is emotionally brighter and intellectually richer. All secret fears, doubts, anxieties disappear. We find ourselves - true. We understand what comfort means - both external and internal, that the main thing is the comfort of the soul. Where does this comfort come from? In satisfying needs. We all want something, we we are looking for support, understanding, assessment of our knowledge, efforts and skills. We want to be useful. And only the dual - a mentally complementary partner - will protect, support and help in everything, and only this person will correctly assess our help, because it is precisely in such skills that he needs ".

"The dual seems too simple and understandable, which means that it does not deserve attention. This is the first position that a person can take when he meets the dual. It is more characteristic of extroverts. The second position is when you say to yourself: he is too good for me, I am not if I can please him. This position is more characteristic of an introvert".
"Introduction to Socionics" VV Gulenko, AV Molodtsov "Dual Relationship or Complete Complement"

“Each participant“ sees ”the event on the one hand -“ with his own eyes, ”and on the other, with the“ eyes of a dual. ”Both have a common (and the same) volumetric mental picture of the event that has occurred, which gives a person a sense of joy, confidence and peace of mind (comfort) This is what makes the dualistic relationship so good. How does the dualization process start? It all starts with the fact that the duals "suddenly fall into the rhythm of the same uneven breathing" (words of the unforgettable VS Vysotsky, "Ballad of Love"). They suddenly find themselves "honking" synchronously, in the same rhythm, from whatever aspect it may begin. Such mutual rhythm pleases.
Then the natural (innate) competence of each is revealed in terms of the "quadratic values" (that which is certainly interesting and significant). This is interesting. Next comes the adjustment and combination of standards (templates, schemes, stereotypes) of their own experience - personal and individual. This is a search for agreement with each other. Then - the transfer and assimilation of adequate amounts of intellectual information (if we call the intellect the volume of conscious memory and the speed of conscious access to it). Here, the capacity for receiving and issuing information is limited by biases and prejudices".

"How do people with complementary psyche perceive each other? As the most" human "person, the softest, humane, accessible, responsive. He is. In addition, he is a partner who always knows what and when to do, how to respond, what to advise, what joke to dispel tension. Who understands everything, always knows how to support, protect, never offend and, perhaps even more importantly, never takes offense. With dual, everyone is activated and feels stronger and more right.
A non-dualized person constantly, in the manifestation of any activity, seems to go beyond the boundaries of his capabilities and loses his balance. And what is called rest is needed not so much to recuperate as to restore the balance of the psyche". " What gives a person mental supplement". Aushra Augustinavichyute.


Not only do the people with the best compatibility have different professions, but even after meeting, they do not immediately feel intended for each other.

Because from childhood, under the influence of our culture, both on the conscious and on the unconscious levels, each of us builds up romantic ideas about love and the images of loved ones. And this strongly does not correspond to reality, all this must be comprehended, decisions must be made, mental costs must be made, until the complete annihilation of toxic amorous illusions and fantasies.

This emotional system evolves to motivate individuals to engage in positive social behavior and / or establish strong and lasting relationships in the name of fulfilling our species' inherent parental duty.
Professor H. Fischer

Carl Gustav Jung, on the basis of whose teachings socionics was created, warned about this disharmony: "Almost never, a marriage turns into a relationship based on mutual personal affection gently, without crisis."
In the people it is called the grinding of characters, and in socionics, dualization. The importance of this family process is warned by fairy tales that are in the epics of many peoples: the Americans have this fairy tale "Beauty and the Beast", the Russians have the same fairy tale "The Scarlet Flower". In these fairy tales, a beautiful girl, under the pressure of circumstances, is forced to communicate with a monster. As a result of this communication, love arises in her, after which the monster turns into a handsome man. But if it were not for such a coincidence of life circumstances, a beautiful girl for a kilometer would have bypassed this monster - her happy love. It was from such a situation that the saying "will endure - fall in love" was born .

"... Dualization is a prerequisite not only for successful mental, but also successful physical functioning of the body. ..."
Aushra Augustinavichute. Founder of Socionics.

... and the best love in the world brings together not souls of equal alignment, but only those that can be tuned in unison, that is, those that have yet to be aligned with each other by removing many differences ...
F. Baader

Does dualization always happen? No not always. And not because it is really impracticable. The duals always have a fundamental opportunity to turn into an ideal pair. But the trouble is that the process of dualization is difficult in many cases. And then the relationship is torn to the floor of the road. As a rule, one of the duals makes the wrong decision, namely the one with the worst psychological instinct.
What caused this difficulty? You can answer simply: that the duals are different (we saw that, for example, their professional spheres are directly opposite) and simply do not recognize each other, do not have time to feel that they are two halves of a whole and that their "difference" means something that is necessary for everyone addition, gaining vitality and completeness. Particularly quick to destructive conclusions, as a rule, one of the partners of the dyad. It is he who rejects the most precious thing that he can have in life.
In the dual pair Stirlitz - Dostoevsky, Stirlitz turns out to be unreasonable; in the dyad Jack - Dreiser "does not feel" Jack's partner. So, these dyads in the form of married couples are rare. At the same time, there are happier dyads in which the duals more often connect their destinies: for example, Hugo-Robespierre, Don Quixote-Dumas, Huxley-Gabin. But the difficulties of dualization have other reasons associated with the history of a person's life.
It is interesting that it is easy to find a spouse - a dual by those people who were lucky with their parents: one of them or both were dual for these people of the socionic type.
The "attunement" to the dual, taken from childhood, the conscious or subconscious feeling of the extraordinary value of such a person, which is the parent of the dual, and most importantly - the purity, not distortion of the mental structure of a child who grew up in a dual family, turns him into a "radical" that naturally unites with its harmonic half.
This works even in cases when the child - dual does not really understand his parent and does not fully realize how favorable fate is to him (here again socionic types, poorly understanding people, "differ": child - Stirlitz, to for example, does not always appreciate the parent - Dostoevsky).
If we take into account that the overwhelming majority of people are deprived of happiness to have a dual parent, and quite the opposite, family relations clog, deform a person's mental structures, turning him into a neurotic from childhood, it will become clear what difficult task he will pose in front of him is a dual who has decided to "reach out" by the warped life of the dual soul. The process of dualization, most likely, will be interrupted, moreover, by that "wrong" and insensitive dual, and his soul will never be cleansed.

"... In the current dual dyad, people generally forget about, for example, what complexes are. There are no complexes! , in its need, in its usefulness...".
Ode to dual contact. G.A. Shulman

A lot of delightful things have been written above about duality, but in the story about it you need to make a mandatory reservation. The beginning of a marriage relationship, including a dual one, requires harmonization, grinding in characters, habits, and without this there will be painful conflicts and divorces.

And the best description of love in a dual pair in all fiction was made by L.N. Tolstoy in War and Peace.

Natasha Rostova and Pierre Bezukhov. Examples of true love. E. Pushkarev

Socionic psychotypes:
Natasha Rostova - sensory-ethical extravert SEE - ESFP - Napoleon
Pierre Bezukhov - an intuitive-logical introvert OR - INTP - Balzac
Andrey Bolkonsky - ethical-intuitive extrovert EIE - ENFJ - Hamlet

L. N. Tolstoy is not only the greatest psychologist, but also a psychoanalyst and a psychotherapist among novelists, he brings to us the originality of such emotional reactions that, without the psychological depth of his approach, would hardly have been revealed at all, they are deeply human and play an essential role in the behavior of a person in the whole. L.N. Tolstoy penetrates deep into the psychic nature of man, reveals the motives that latently drive his actions, thereby revealing its secrets. Moreover, L.N. Tolstoy not only describes in detail the family love of Pierre and Natasha, he also told about all the loves that preceded it.

Pierre's love for Natasha arose even when Natasha's romance with Andrei Bolkonsky, who was his best friend, was in full swing. Pierre was jealous of Andrei, moreover, he was married to the beautiful Helene. After that, many dramatic and tragic events take place, the war of 1812, Pierre is captured by the French and awaits execution, A. Bolkonsky dies, Pierre's wife dies and many other things.

Feelings for Natasha are almost forgotten, and if not for a chance meeting with her, this fleeting feeling would have been forgotten irretrievably. "... he does not immediately recognize Natasha in a pale and thin woman with sad eyes without a shadow of a smile ..." She is still all in her grief, but it is natural for her to speak out in front of Pierre without concealment about the details of the last days of her love for Andrei, because she felt a kindred spirit in him. For Pierre it is a joy and “rare pleasure” to tell Natasha about his adventures during captivity. It is a joy for Natasha to listen to him, "guessing the secret meaning of all Pierre's mental work." Love woke up in their hearts, and suddenly "it smelled and doused with long-forgotten happiness," and the "forces of life" were hammered, and "joyful madness" seized them. "Love woke up, life woke up too."

Soon, Pierre confesses his love to Natasha, and in the early spring of 1813, Pierre Bezukhov and Natasha Rostova get married. And a life full of love, harmony, joy and new discoveries began.

“After seven years of marriage, Pierre felt a joyful, firm consciousness that he was not a bad person, and he felt this because he saw himself reflected in his wife. In himself, he felt all good and bad mixed and obscured one another. But his wife reflected only what was truly good: everything that was not quite good was discarded. And this reflection did not happen by means of logical thought, but by another - a mysterious, direct reflection".

By this time they had three daughters and a son.

"- I love you terribly! - Natasha said suddenly. - Awful. Awful!"

But if Natasha married Andrei Bolkonsky, this marriage would be extremely unsuccessful at first for her, and already as a consequence for him. Andrei's relationship to Natasha can be described as patronage in the absence of feedback that she does not need. Over time, they develop into almost complete disregard for Andrei Natasha. Since you do not need my patronage, and I cannot give you anything else, then you do not need me. Instead of love, as it develops in relations with Pierre, it turns into a hindrance, an uninteresting, primitive burden that prevents him from fully thinking, living and being himself.

This is why socionics of love is good, which allows you to predict on this shore when love is in the midst of what awaits us on the other side, when love has passed like smoke, and ordinary everyday life has come, in which you need to solve many complex life problems.

Spouses, professional socionics and duals Irina and Sergei Beletskiy wrote the book “Everyday life of dual relations”, Introduction to this book and download link. In it, they provide valuable, practical advice.

Dual pair and dualization of Hugo - Robespierre. V. Meged. A description of other dual pairs and tips for their dualization can be found on the link on the page. There are many cases when simple lapping is not enough, but it is required:

Relationship correction. A. Grechinsky, T. Pedan including duals.

Duality is an expensive gift from nature and fate, but the more expensive the gift is, the more important is knowledge and ability to use it correctly.

And for those who are interested in socionics for initial acquaintance can read "Socionics of love"

A couple of tips for site visitors:
1. The first self-testing gives less than 50% objective results.
2. Before making any decision, consult a professional socionicist.
One more disharmony can be distinguished - sexual. In girls, sensuality wakes up later than in boys, sometimes for several years, often only after marriage and even after childbirth. Because the love of girls is often platonic. Later than in men, the apogee of sensuality also comes to women: usually this happens after in men this sensitivity has already passed its highest point.

Modern sex and marriage - myths and reality. V.G.Taktarov, R.V. Beleda

Marriage crises. Married sex.

If the statistics from real life given in the article seemed pessimistic to someone, then as an optimistic end, we can say that a pragmatic approach to choosing a marriage partner, which has already begun, is replacing stormy romantic, essentially anarchic love feelings in civilized countries. And in Muslim countries and republics (see the number of divorces in Ingushetia), it has never been interrupted.

Interestingly, the closer we get to the 21st century, the more signs that we are becoming less romantic and more practical, the same can be attributed to marriage. The old practice of matchmaking is back in vogue.
Constance Arons, Professor of Sociology, Psychiatrist (USA)

S.V. Kovalev believes that family unions, concluded through a dating service, are several times more stable than love marriages.

Germany is the leader among civilized countries in terms of the number of marriages created using an artificial form of dating - marriage offices, every sixth marriage.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

You can learn about the diversity of this problem - the social and psychological unpreparedness of young people for family life from the letters that came to the Club

Hello! Dear CLUB.

I am a careerist, but a very beautiful girl, and men of different ages fall in love with me. I was brought up modestly and from a poor family. By the time I was 22, I had achieved everything I dreamed of.


Now there are 3 of them who are ready to marry me and do everything for my sake, but there are no feelings for any of them. First, I have been dating him for a year and a half (we are of the same age), he is wonderful, not handsome, but such a fine fellow, if I chose him, he would "work for days, for the sake of the family," he is an orphanage and knows the value of relationships. But I do not love him, this is a habit, friend, he is always there, always helps ... We are together now, he knows that I don’t love him the way he does, he resigned himself and is ready to wait until I fall in love with him, believes in it piously ... I sleep with him, rarely, he was the first, and I had no one else.

The second, a military man (a little older than me), "smells like a man" from him, otherwise I cannot say about him. He dreams of taking me with him to a military town, but I am afraid of changing my place of residence, my career ... He will come soon, and I want to "try" him, take a closer look at him. But I'm not going anywhere, and he needs a wife by his side.

The third, we have known him for more than three years, he is more than 20 years older than me, he is smart, wealthy and dreams of a family. But I am afraid of age, and the attitude of parents ... Money and his attitude, the desire of children bribe me ... Everyone envies me as soon as they find out about him, and advise me to choose him. So I'm very secretive.

I feel that it is time for me to get married, it is time to have children, to bring up and take care of my family. After all, no career can replace a family hearth. I achieved everything I wanted, it remains to choose a husband.


This is a page from the section Psychology of Love

Articles related to the same topic:

About dual relationships, team. All articles

Disappointed in duality. Pushkarev

Sexual preferences of psychotypes.

Sexual compatibility of socionic psychotypes

Examples of true love.

True love, it is also compatible love.

Friendship + Love = Filia.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Sigmund Freud about love.

All books on socionics from our library "Love, family, sex and about ..." are listed in the section "Socionics of love"

Эрих Фромм

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

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Примеры настоящей любви

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Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми