Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev
Similarity to the disease. E. Pushkarev
Signs of mania. E. Pushkarev
Differences between mania and illness; "love is gone". E. Pushkarev
I destroyed the inner temple, I gained nothing from this love in later life, but what was in me, inside, began to settle, warp, collapse. I destroyed myself, something passed away, I did badly.
People's Artist of Russia L. Senchina
Ignorance is the mother of adoration.
"Teia mania" - madness from the gods - this is how the ancient Greeks called this love. Sappho and Plato immortalized her symptoms - confusion and pain of the soul, heart heat, loss of sleep and appetite. "Love-mania" was opened to mankind by the Arabs with their ardent feelings and fanatical concentration of all the forces of the soul into a narrow bundle. "I am from the tribe of Ben Azra, when we fall in love, we die" - this is how this fanatical love was imprinted in poetry. Having experienced it, the lover becomes a majnun - a madman, and almost literally - or even literally - lost his mind.
At the turn of the millennium, this feeling of love flared up like an epidemic, swept over all Arab poetry, penetrated the art of Persia, Central Asia, Georgia, and the troubadours. It was at this time (XII century) that the Persian poet Nizami Ganjavi "Khosrov and Shirin", "Leyli and Majnun" wrote his famous poems. In them, he highly artistically glorifies the manic passion of lovers, pays attention not just to drinking wine, but to how his heroes drink themselves to death. It can even be called a Persian Shakespeare because the poem "Khosrov and Shirin" is probably taken as the prototype of "Romeo and Juliet". In it, the main character Shirin plunges a dagger into her heart after she sees that her beloved Khosrov is dying after a series of dramatic events. In the poem Leyli and Majnun, the heroes also experience violent passions - love mania, from which they die prematurely.
It can be assumed that the Arab countries adopted Islam to insure themselves against such passions and drunkenness, it is strictly forbidden in it to this day. But in Christian countries, this painful passion is still glorified, making multiple sacrifices.
This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev
This feeling was also felt later by Goethe's Werther, Tolstoy's Anna Karenina
and Kuprinsky Zheltkov, and many heroes of dark romantic poetry.
And in life, mania takes a person prisoner, subjugates him. This is a very uneven feeling, it is based on private needs (security, external emotional nourishment, maintaining a certain image of oneself, satisfying sexual hunger), not fully developed attraction, as well as ignoring the partner's personality, it always rushes between outbursts of excitement and depression. Those experiencing this feeling are often jealous and therefore cannot stand separation: in case of strife, they can in the heat of the moment invite their neighbor to part, but they are immediately scared to shiver of this.
Mania is never happy: this is a pessimistic, self-shattering feeling, it is nourished by people whose energy of bright feelings is suppressed. In D.A. Lee's sample , almost all of them, in contrast to the pragmists, were dissatisfied with life, deprived of their love of life.
But I recognize it by all the signs
The disease of love in my soul.
... the pain that the world calls love.
I didn't know that love is an infection,
I didn't know that love is a plague.
Well, I am forever wounded by love - I can hardly drag myself.
Even in the name of the most mysterious type of love - mania, the Greek civilization expressed its agreement about its similarity with madness, and therefore disease. But when asked what is the cause of the disease, there is not a person in whom are in love
, but the person in love
? The answer was not found. For a long time, science did not dare to start solving this problem, and poets and writers were engaged in its study.
In everyday life, they say mania about feeling like this: I fell in love without memory, love closure, burn out in love, struck by love, managed to fall in love like that, fell into love like gulf, love enthusiasm, hard, rock, violent, unbearable, manic, cult, reckless, unconditional, prayer, all-consuming, zubodrobilny, oppressive, enslaving, unearthly, traumatic, heart-rending, Amazing, treacherous, extreme, paralyzing, myocardial infarction, the bottom can not get , obsession, without borders, completely tortured, throws like a grain of sand, owns like a slave, carries a chip like a hurricane, immoderate boundlessness,
permeates in all dimensions, every cell of the body,
devouring, to oblivion, atomic feeling, higher than the Eiffel Tower, dearer than life, stronger than death, cosmic passion, idolatry, adoration, bewitched, fire of the heart, ecstasy, eclipse, power of planetary dimensions, titanic impulse of the soul, feeling of a giant, on my knees ready for it crawl, spring is in paradise, I 'm dying on it, etc.
Easily and happily flowing love was of little interest to poets, and, being legislators, in interpreting this feeling, they sang only especially tense, more willingly tragic versions. No wonder Shakespeare exclaims: "Tell me, where, when was true love happy?"
Poets and philosophers were not far behind. N. Berdyaev: "Love is tragic in this world and does not allow improvement, does not obey any norms. Love promises those who love death in this world, not the order of life. And the greatest thing in love, that which preserves its mysterious holiness, is renunciation any life perspective, sacrifice of life. This sacrifice requires all creativity, sacrifice and creative love. Life improvement, family accomplishment - the grave of love. Sacrificial death in life and puts the stamp of eternity on love. Love is closer, more intimate, deeper connected with death than with birth, and this connection, guessed by the poets of love, is the guarantee of its eternity. The deep opposite of love and procreation".
"The contradictions of the night madness were inexplicable, like a witchcraft. It was all topsy-turvy and contrary to logic, the sharp pain declared itself with the rolling of a silver laugh, struggle and refusal meant agreement, and the tormentor's hand was covered with kisses of gratitude."
And this longest mystery of mankind began to be revealed with the onset of the era of psychoanalysis, by its discoverer Z. Freud in his work "On a special type of" choice of an object "in a man". Which starts like this. "Until now, we only imagined poets to depict the" conditions of love "in which people make their" choice of an object "and reconcile their dreams with reality. Indeed, poets differ from other people in some peculiarities that allow them to solve such a problem. fine organization, greater receptivity of the innermost aspirations and desires of other people, they at the same time display enough courage to reveal their own unconscious to everyone. pleasure and affect the feeling, which is why the poet cannot but change reality, but must isolate its individual parts, breaking interfering connections, softening the whole and complementing what is missing. These are the advantages of the so-called “poetic freedom.” The poet can show very little interest in the origin and to the development of such souls with states, describing them already in finished form. Therefore, it is necessary that science, with coarser touches and not at all for pleasure, should deal with the same questions, the poetic treatment of which people have enjoyed from time immemorial. These remarks should serve as an excuse for rigorous scientific treatment and questions of the person's love life. It is precisely science that requires the most complete rejection of the "principles of pleasure", as far as possible for our mental activity".
Here Freud was the first to clearly and loudly declared that everything written by poets (writers and other "artists") about attraction and events between a man and a woman cannot be defined by one concept of "love", but all these are fantasies, quasi-subjects, artistic images, the result "poetic liberty".
... love lyrics teach anything but sober thinking. This is a dope, a dream.
D.philos.n V.M. Rozin
Lovers, madmen and poets are fused from one imagination.
The philosopher P.A. Sorokin about Artsybashev. For him, this is "the most straightforward inventor of" couch-sofa "love." PA Sorokin also criticizes such recognized masters of poetry as Bryusov, Sologub, Gippius, Balmont, Gorodetsky, Severyanin and Akhmatova. "Physiology is the foundation and outline, while psychic hovers, tears, groans, sighs, laughter, despair and hope, etc. - all these are just" patterns ", only architectural decorations on the building of love, created from physiological bricks."
If we recall another apt expression of Voltaire “Love is a natural fabric embroidered with imagination”, then in relation to our time we have: behind the embroidered imagination of poets and writers, the natural fabric of love is reliably disguised and even suppressed.
So much nonsense has been written about love that most likely nothing has been written about it at all.
Love doesn't need books. These books need a love affair.
And what is love and what is sexuality can only be determined by scientists after dispassionate scientific research. And in fact, after serious work by scientists, it turned out that a huge number of very different descriptions of sensual drives by poets, only a small part of them refer to the phenomenon of "love", and most of them are very different options falling in love , including psychological and even mental disorders.
... Modern man is a realist who has invented a separate word for each type of car, but only one word "love" to express the most varied emotional experiences.
This is how the famous Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega y Gasset said about this:
“Poets from time immemorial have adorned it (love) and perked it up with their cosmetics, endowing at the same time with a strange, pointless reality, which is why, without having experienced it, we already know it, think about it and are ready to devote ourselves to it, as some kind of art or craft ".
"For the last two hundred years, they talked a lot about love stories and very little about love."
“Stendhal is one of those who love to love. In his book The Intimate Life of Stendhal, Abel Bonnard writes: “From women he only demands confirmation of their illusions. He falls in love so as not to feel lonely; however, in truth, three-quarters of his love relationship is the fruit of his own imagination".
And the most significant, breakthrough contribution to the study and understanding of love was made by Erich Fromm whose work "The Art of Love" 1956, became a classic and undoubtedly influenced the subsequent study of this topic. He is a scientist identifies, organizes the structure, types of love itself, and about the love phenomenon that poets of previous ages with enthusiasm were called love: "Form psevdolyubvi, which often occurs and is often perceived (and even more often portrayed in motion pictures and novels) as" a great love "is love-worship. If a person has not reached the level at which he acquires a sense of authenticity, his own self, through the productive realization of his own capabilities, he has a tendency to" worship "a loved one.
E. Fromm, already as a psychoanalyst, identified and systematized the causes of these disorders: “Various individual forms of love pathology, leading to suffering and neuroses. These include:
1) neurotic love - in which partners are centered on the parents and transfer to the partner the feelings of expectation and fears experienced in relation to the parents;
2) love-worship - in which a person loses himself in his beloved instead of finding himself in him, revealing the poverty of the spirit and despair of the worshiper;
3) sentimental love - in which a feeling is experienced only in the imagination, and not in real relationships; the most common type is “substitutionary” love satisfaction of consumers of songs, films, novels and other things; the other is a temporary aberration, when partners live on memories of past feelings and fantasies of future love;
4) love, centered on the partner's shortcomings and weaknesses, which are constantly exposed and denounced;
5) love, projecting meaning and problems onto children, using children for compensatory purposes".
“Erich Fromm about love. Terms and concepts "
E. Fromm pays special attention to the study of parent-child relationships: “There are many individual forms of love pathology that lead to conscious suffering, and both psychiatrists and an increasing number of non-professionals consider them neurotic. Some of the most common forms are briefly described in the following examples.
The basis of neurotic love is that one or both "lovers" remain attached to the figure of one of the parents, and as adults, they transfer the feelings, expectations and fears that they experienced in relation to the father or mother to the loved one. These people never free themselves from the image of child dependence and, as adults, look for this image in their love demands".
Analyzing violations of parent-child relations, he singled out the specifics of the influence of each of the parents on the formation of the ability to love and argued that the personality of the mother and father, marital relations, in different ways affect the ability of children to love and be loved.
The mother is more important in this regard - she gives an example of unconditional, accepting love. If a child is faced with a low level of maternal acceptance or even rejection, then in the future the likelihood of problems in establishing emotional ties in relations with a spouse and their own children increases dramatically.
The low level of acceptance of the child by the father, who embodies the social requirements, expectations and assessments of the child, leads to the formation of feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and low social competence. Emotional coldness and distance in marital relations, even under the condition of the external well-being of the family and the care of the parents for the child, creates a deficit in his experience of a sense of security, gives rise to anxiety and deprives the child of the opportunity to observe an example of affective-positive sincere love relationships. There is no positive example, no guideline in building their own relationships with the child.
Over the disclosure of neuroticism and neurotic love, she worked a lot and successfully, Karen Horney described this in her famous book "The Neurotic Personality of Our Time" and others. Discussing love and the neurotic need for it, Horney writes that the difference between them lies in the fact that in love the very feeling of attachment is the main thing, while the neurotic need is nothing more than the need to satisfy only personal interests.
Horney considers one of the key signs of inability to love to ignore the personality of another for his interests, development, desires, needs, characteristics and shortcomings. As soon as the neurotic begins to notice that the "center of love" is shifting from the satisfaction of his needs, he sees a danger in this. Such manifestations of love as reliability and loyalty are absent in the relationship of a neurotic, and are manifested in his readiness to abruptly change relations (aggression, endless clarification of relationships, rupture) in the case when his selfish expectations are not met.
Neurotic need for love. Karen Horney.
Love addiction. K. Horney, P. Kutter, O. Murzina.
To contrast the differences between “neurotic love” and healthy love, another clarifying definition of love by E. Fromm: “Love is a productive activity, which includes the need to take care of another, try to get to know him, strive for him, and enjoy him and at the same time worries about him, wakes him up to life, strengthens the desire to live in him, and himself self-regenerate and self-renew in the process of experiencing".
E. Fromm identifies several forms of pseudo-love, leading to suffering and neuroses:
- neurotic love (in the broad sense of the word, all the listed types of love, of course, refer to neurotic) - in which partners are centered on the parents and transfer to the partner the feelings of expectation and fears experienced in relation to the parents. The projection of their own problems can be carried out on children, acting in this case only as a means of achieving a person's own goals, a tool for solving problems;
- love-worship - in which a person loses himself in a loved one, revealing the poverty of the spirit and despair of the worshiper;
- sentimental love - in which a feeling is experienced only in the imagination, and not in real relationships; the most widespread type is "substitutionary" love satisfaction of consumers of songs, films, novels and other things; the other is a temporary aberration, when partners live on memories of past feelings and fantasies of future love;
- love centered on the partner's flaws and weaknesses, which are constantly exposed and denounced.
- love is narcissistic, essentially selfish, love is the result of an unmet need for maternal acceptance. A person prefers the “take” mode to the “give” mode, to be loved, but not to love himself. Relationships are of a pronounced consumer nature;
- manic love or love-pursuit, characterized by obsession, passionate love, obsession and persistence in achieving the goal. It comes suddenly (falls like an avalanche), is characterized by lability, sharp changes in feelings and attitudes towards a partner, alternating manic and depressive phases according to the principle "from the fire to the fire", "unbearably hot - unbearably cold." The image of a partner and relations with him, as a rule, has nothing to do with reality (such an attitude towards a partner is close to adolescent hobbies, when the fact itself, the state of love, and not its object is important). The subject of hobby was erected on a pedestal, turned into an idol. Love is divorced from reality and is aimed at creating a substitute fantasy world. Manic love is a kind of compensatory, defensive reaction to an insatiable need for love;
- love "symbiotic union" or "immature form of love."
I would like to dwell on this form of pseudo-love revealed by E. Fromm as a "symbiotic union". A person gets into a "symbiotic union", fleeing loneliness, he delegates to another his right to make decisions in exchange for his dependence. Becoming a part of another person, "being absorbed" by this person or "absorbing" him himself.
There are both one-sided and more complex mutual "takeovers". The tendency to be "absorbed" by others is a person's attempt to get rid of individuality, escape from freedom and find security by tying oneself to another person (through duty, love, sacrifice, being in a state of conscientious delusion). The desire to absorb others, an active form of "symbiotic union", is a peculiar manifestation of sadism, aimed at acquiring complete domination over another person. Even supportive dominance over another person under the guise of love and care is also a manifestation of sadism.
The sadistic forms include bewitching techniques, when one wants to get another with the help of magic into a "symbiotic partner" with the duties of an amorous vassal.
A striking example of the active form of the "symbiotic union" is the relationship between Margarita Pavlovna Khobotova and Lev Evgenievich Khobotov from the beloved film “Pokrovskie Vorota”. At first, they were married for 15 years, since this form of union did not suit Margarita Pavlovna, they divorced. Margarita Pavlovna is a charming, enterprising woman quickly finds a new partner, they get married. Despite her active personal life, Margarita Pavlovna not only comprehensively takes care of her ex-husband, especially his amorous attempts, but also guides him at her discretion, because she is confident that without her he will disappear. Being already married herself, she unceremoniously braves the girls with whom Hobotov is trying to establish a relationship. And all this violence is carried out intelligently with the use of iron logic, through convictions, albeit quite expressive.
Lev Evgenievich is very worried about such an unceremonious intervention and hopes that soon they will disperse to their new apartments, and he will live an independent life. But these naive dreams are not destined to come true, Margarita Pavlovna has already convinced her husband, Savva Ignatievich, that Lev Evgenievich himself is better off if he lives with them. After all, Savva Ignatievich not only sees how she really is, deeply worries about the fate of her ex-husband, he even admires it. And he himself persuades Lev Evgenievich to move with them to a separate apartment, because this is only a temporary measure - until a woman appears to whom Margarita Pavlovna can pass it from hand to hand with a calm heart. Margarita Pavlovna declares with pathos: "This is my cross ...", which she "shouldered" on herself. Or rather, only with this cross she can feel her life full.
In the performance of good actors, this curiosity of life looks ironic and funny, but in real life, where there are many such and similar stories, everything looks much more dramatic. I would especially like to highlight the letters about the help of the unfortunate daughters (less often sons), whom the oppressive mother, with her total control and guardianship, deprived of the right to privacy. And the pretext is the same as that of Margarita Pavlovna: "You will be lost without me." The complexity of such stories lies not only in the ruthless control of mothers, but also in the fact that a variety of complexes and intrapersonal problems are already imposed on their daughters, which in themselves complicate life, even if they are released from suffocating control.
Great and terrible mother? C. Lynov.
Having received from E. Fromm for the study of "mysterious love" an exact, promising direction for further actions, psychoanalysts and psychotherapists not only got to the final solution to the "eternal problem" by giving it a precise definition - "disease", found out the origins of mania, the signs that characterize it, and developed methods of her treatment.
It was found that people predisposed to mania were brought up in incomplete, asocial, or in the so-called "functional families" in which alienation, isolation reigns, everyone keeps on their own. In such a family there is no spiritual support, unity, no joke of the game, but criticism and censure are in great abundance. A "functional family" is a formal family, in which everyone is dissatisfied with each other, each requires the other to play a role in accordance with his "function", and everyone is protected from such an approach.
The origins of mania.
For if there is love in the world - and it is! - then she is not far from madness.
Mark Tullius Cicero
The choice of love partners is decided not so much at the level of consciousness as at the unconscious level. According to the teachings of Academician D. N. Uznadze, a person's perception of external objects, including other people, depends not only on his conscious attitude, but also on his unconscious attitude towards a certain perception.
According to the well-known theory of patterns, human development, starting from the first months of life, is associated with a wide flow of information about people around him, which is fixed in the unconscious in the form of certain patterns or standards - patterns that are positive and negative (that is, colored with positive or negative emotion). When a person perceives another person, he often experiences inexplicable sympathy or antipathy, which is difficult to explain on a conscious level. At the unconscious level, this can be explained by identification, that is, the coincidence of some parts of an external image, behavior or character with certain patterns that include the experience of communicating with other people, especially with parents at an early age. Depending on the emotional charge, the pattern colors the perceived image positively or negatively. During the identification process, not always the most essential element of the perceived image is included in it, and therefore, in the future, the emotional perception of a person may not coincide with his objective value. This situation is the reason for the onset of mania.
The woman came to abortion three times and as soon as she heard the clatter of instruments, she changed her mind and left. She gave birth to a good, healthy girl who adores her father and hates her mother.
Lovers, from a socio-psychological point of view, represent a couple (or dyad), which obeys certain laws. Many researchers have pointed to the role of the fundamental standards of a person of a particular sex, which are a father or mother for a child. For example, if the primary deeply lying foundations of a man's emotional life were first laid by his mother in early childhood, then in the adult period this man will have an unconscious mindset to search for a woman who has the traits of his mother. Of course, a small child does not yet have a differentiated sexuality. The basis of his emotionality is laid by the affection of the mother, which has a protective, encouraging, communicative character.
Subconsciously, we are looking for someone whose character or appearance is dominated by the features of the people who raised us. Our subconscious, analyzing only past experiences and almost ignoring the outside world, pushes us to recreate the atmosphere that surrounded us in childhood. This is because we all strive to heal the wounds we received at a tender age.
The subconscious mind decides that this particular person is the ideal object of love relationships, because he is able to compensate for resentments, smooth out feelings and heal the traumas received in childhood.
No person is happy until they consider themselves happy. Photo M. Avrely
We strive to more than compensate for what we received less from our parents in childhood, but sometimes unconsciously, blindly, we recreate situations painfully experienced by us in childhood. None of us will be able to remember this period of the first months, years of our life, but the subconscious mind "remembers" all our childhood psychotraumas, tears, experiences.
Of the wide circle of people with whom we are familiar, no matter what our consciousness says, most people are attracted to those who have both positive and negative character traits who raised us; moreover, negative traits tend to have an even greater influence on our choices.
In our search for the ideal person who will resemble our parents and at the same time will be able to fill in the qualities that are missing in our character, we rely on the subconscious image of the opposite sex, formed in our brain from infancy. This image is a portrait assembled from separate fragments, the fragments themselves are taken from people who had the most powerful influence on us in early childhood. They could be our parents, brothers, sisters, a nursery teacher, or some close relative. Whoever they are, our brain stores all the information about these people: the sounds of their voices, the degree of their care for us when we cried, the color of their face at the moment of anger, their smile in moments of happiness, posture, gait, character traits, talents and interests. Along with these impressions, our brain recorded all the important moments of life associated with them. The brain was not interested in this data in any way, it just captured it, like a movie camera does.
Happiness is not a destination, but a way to travel.
The "volume level" of these recordings is certainly different. The most vividly preserved are the impressions made on us by our educators in our earliest childhood. It is noteworthy that of these impressions, those associated with mental wounds received from our parents and loved ones were the most firmly entrenched. This is not surprising - after all, such clashes then we regarded only as a threat to our existence. Gradually, year after year, these hundreds of kilobytes of information about those who educate us merged and embodied in a certain clear image. The subconscious mind, which does not have the ability to make any distinctions, simply placed this image in a sector called "People in charge of my survival." This image can be presented in the form of a silhouette with some distinctive physical characteristics, but with a complex character that has absorbed features inherent in different educators.
As soon as we glance at a person, our brain reads a huge amount of information, and when a person meets who matches the formed image, our subconscious mind arouses instant interest in him.
How does such a quick assessment of hidden human qualities happen? If the outward traits are visible, then the character traits are not so obvious. It is possible to make such a quick assessment, because we rely on the so-called, according to Freud, "subconscious perception". We intuitively learn much more about people than the rational part of the brain can comprehend.
Sigmund Freud believed: "... the innumerable features of a person's love life and the obsession of falling in love itself can be generally understood only by establishing their relationship to childhood and the remaining influence of this childhood."
Cognitive statements of Z. Freud.
In psychoanalysis, there is a well-developed concept of "transference" (transfer) that exists for this erroneous identification, meaning the assignment of the characteristics of one person to another. A person often transfers his feelings for his parents to a partner, since our subconscious mind chooses a partner similar to people close to us, thus, the "transfer" occurs according to formal signs. In the subconscious, the similarities are simply exaggerated and the differences are leveled. And if we ask the question in love
that is the loved one like your parents? He, even after thinking well, will deny any similarity, this is a contradiction, often a conflict of consciousness with the subconscious.
It seems to us that we are in love with a particular person, in fact, we are in love with the image projected by the subconscious on this person.
Benjamin Spock assures: "Children from 3 to 6 years old create a romantic ideal as a prototype, which are the people who raised us. Subsequent hobbies will be unconsciously determined by this standard." And child psychologist Peter Struck from Germany assures that the formation of the romantic ideal is completed by the age of three.
The most difficult thing to heal is the love that flared up at first sight.
Another reason for the emergence of love mania was identified by Ph.D. A.L. Fedosova: “The main motive of individuals with a tendency to addictive forms of behavior is an active change in their mental state, which does not satisfy them, which they speak of as “gray”, “boring”, “monotonous”, “apathetic”.
Crazy and unhappy love, which brings pain and suffering even at the beginning of a relationship, is not a real healthy love, but represents "hunger", "thirst" for a loved one, an analogy of drug addiction, and therefore is also called "drug addiction" ... This feeling can be mutual or vice versa, but in any case it is as misleading as drugs and alcohol ...".
Someone in pursuit of adrenaline and drive goes to the mountains, someone to the raging ocean, someone to extreme parachute jumps - base jumping, and someone to love mania. At the same time, they describe their feelings in a biased relationship as "blown away." For addicts of this type, normal life is boring, leading to depression, and "fire of the heart", "heartbreaking passion" is real life.
Gives the sky ultramarine
Adrenaline fries the body
Here she came spring, like paranoia
A fuse hit the chest of love, there will be an explosion,
Here she came spring, like paranoia,
The signal of the spring sounded:
All to the detachment
Oh - oh paranoia!
Oh - oh paranoia!
Similar to disease.
is best compared to a fever: the severity and duration of both does not depend in the least on our will.
F. de La Rochefoucauld
The solution to the question of "love sickness" has ancient historical roots, Ovid wrote his work "Medicine for Love" two thousand years ago.
Love cannot be treated with herbs.
It is easier to achieve an end in love than moderation.
Psychotherapist, MD M.E. Litvak in his article "Addictive (compulsive) love." comments.
In the future, medical luminaries, up to the present day, regularly dealt with and continue to deal with this disease - "love addiction". In the XI century. the famous Avicenna - Abu Ali Ibn Sina recognized "too strong love" as a disease. In the "Canon of Medicine", he listed the main painful symptoms: sunken eyes, continuously moving eyelids, shortness of breath, insomnia, growing thinness, uneven pulse, erratic behavior, frequent laughter, as if at this time a person sees something pleasant or hears joyful news. Love, Avicenna believed, is akin to glamor, madness and melancholy. All thoughts of a person are focused on admiration for the image of a loved one; sometimes it could be accompanied by lust. Treatment for love was carried out through sexual intercourse with concubines, if the social status of the bride did not provide the most obvious opportunity for healing - the marriage of young people; gossip of old women, distorting the perception of the beloved's appearance, made it possible to switch the lover's attention to another object; bloodletting; laxatives.
The story has become a legend when no doctor could cure an almost lifeless prince, because no one found the cause of his illness. Ibn Sina guessed that the disease was caused by his timid and voiceless love. Since the prince was hiding the name of his beloved, Ibn Sina ordered to say aloud first the names of the streets of the city, then the female names, and he himself counted the guy's pulse, by the frequency of which he was able to determine both the street where the girl lived and her name. He insisted that the prince's parents marry their beloved, and brought the young man back to life.
Marsilio Ficino (XV century). he devoted a lot of attention in his writings to the consideration of love. He also talked about disastrous love, which leads a person to madness. He associated its inception with the heart, due to the malfunctioning of which, various parts of the body began to suffer. He suggested treating its effects with hard work, bloodletting, bodily exercise, as well as intimate relationships and the use of wine. Obviously, he believed it was better to die of alcoholism than of unhappy love.
In his works, Francis Bacon (XVI century). explained that sensual love bewitches a person, gives rise to fictions and temptations, especially in the presence of an object of love. Very often she brings a lot of misfortune. Bacon gives examples of the fact that most of the powerful of this world were not carried away by love to the point of madness, since passions are characteristic of weak people. In this conclusion, the thinker reminds everyone of the necessary vigilance for salvation from sensual love. The passion that captures a person goes against the nature and true value of things, which is manifested in the unrealistic assessments that people give to their chosen ones.
It's a shame that this point of view is shared by the masters of Russian psychology and psychiatry, Doctor of Medical Sciences, Doctor of Psychology , V. Levy "Traumatology of Love": "A disease named (love), too, I know from myself .. . ".
The mental pain experienced by a person experiencing amorous stresses is really a pain of the nerves, the so-called "adrenaline anguish": sharply increased portions of adrenaline are thrown into the blood of a person under the influence of negative stress. Hence the oppressive, completely physical heaviness, from which it "hurts the soul", "tears the heart". Each cell of the body "groans" and "complains", the body pulls to the ground:
The youngest son of Imam Shamil, the leader of the uprising in the Caucasus in the 19th century, was brought up at the royal court. At 23, he fell in love with the capital's beauty Dasha. After a declaration of love and matchmaking, he was refused. He left for the Caucasus, but soon died of longing for Dasha.
Dr. Michael Lebowitz of the New York Institute of Psychiatry not only believes that the state of love can be caused by the action of chemical elements, but that the regulator of this state is one particular chemical. This amorous chemical source is phenylethylamine, which belongs to the amphetamine family. Among other properties, amphetamines have the ability to release adrenaline. "Love is dizzy, like a reaction to a highly toxic amphetamine," says Dr. Lebowitz, "and the collapse that follows the breakup is very reminiscent of the psychological state of autism (an extreme form of alienation)."
He discovered another connection between feelings of love and phenylethylamine. Watching his patients tend to fall in love and become disappointed in their choices more often than the average person, Dr. Lebowitz found that as soon as the love affair fell apart, these people began to consume huge amounts of chocolate. And chocolate contains phenylethylamine and, as far as can be judged, helps victims of "heart breakdown" to cope with painful experiences, just as methadone helps wean drug addicts from their heroin addiction.
British psychologist Frank Tallis wrote Love Sick: Love as a Mental Illness:
"No psychologist will send a patient to the attending physician or psychiatrist with a diagnosis of love," explains the doctor.
- However, a careful study of the patient's condition will show that love
may well be the main problem of this person. Many people who cannot handle the intensity of love, destabilized by entering love
or suffering from unrequited love, now they cannot get qualified help".
Tallis warns that failure to analyze the full spectrum of love states can have troubling consequences for society. If love
is not investigated, it will be completely idealized, which will pave the way for future disappointments, problems, tragedies.
In Germany, already in our time, an incident has occurred that has gone around the entire press of the world. A young employee, having received a "no" in response to a declaration of love, literally fell ill from mental anguish. He fell ill, because he was ill from unhappy love in "A Thousand and One Nights", in Arab, Persian legends and poems, in Indian and European knightly literature of the Middle Ages. For several days he could not eat, sleep, walk - and the owner fired him for absenteeism. But the sufferer sued him! The court ordered an examination, and the examination decided that love suffering is a kind of nervous shock that requires treatment, like all nervous disorders. The court found the reason for the truancy to be valid and reinstated the young man at work.
German scientists have found that suicide among men due to unhappy love is three times higher than among women. When a man breaks up, he feels really unhappy. He experiences deep depression and unbearable loneliness. Some men even die of a ruptured heart, such an "acute case of love sickness" can cause high blood pressure and lead to chronic disability and sometimes death.
J. Locke: "People who are in such a state sometimes seem to be possessed: they seem to be under the power of some kind of spell, do not see what is happening in front of their eyes, do not hear the loud speeches of the company: and when with the help of some powerful means they will be disturbed, they give the impression of people who have returned from some distant country: "
A. Schopenhauer and S. Freud believed that love passion blinds, moreover, so much that in love blindness a person is able to commit a crime without regretting it at all.
Abbot Claude Frollo (one of the characters in V. Hugo's novel Notre Dame Cathedral) killed his beloved Esmeralda out of jealousy and hatred for her chosen one, Othello strangled Desdemona: Tragedies like this happen every day.
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, author of Love and Limerence, has proposed a new term for this "sweet madness." She calls this feeling "limerence" and interprets it not lyrically, but as an obsessive passion that turns life into a kind of hell, illuminated by moments of bliss. Figuratively it is expressed - a barrel of ointment, in which there is a spoonful of honey.
Limeration is synonymous with states that are spoken of:
from love burns out, dries, stunned, struck, blinded, "the roof has been blown away", lost his head, exhausting heat of blood, madness from the gods, confusion of the soul and heart, intoxication in his head, incinerating heat, heart fever, sweet madness, spiritual extreme, now I can neither live nor die, a splinter that cannot be removed, an earthquake of the soul, a martyr.
Limerentia is characterized by the persistence of thoughts about the beloved and the confidence that it is impossible to do without him.
The accompanying emotional ups and downs require significant energy costs, which affects the relationship with the world, reduces efficiency and upsets the inner balance. According to Dorothy Tenns, some people are unfamiliar with limitation (which does not mean at all that they have never loved), while others have repeatedly experienced the whole gamut of manifestations of this feeling.
And here's how E. Hemingway experienced the limitation: "Time stood still, and the earth swayed beneath us."
She warns that in this state such unreasonable actions can be performed that a person may later regret.
Passion for pleasure in love gives rise to crime, it leads to incest and even to treason. Passion for love kills the mind in a person, therefore, nowhere is abstinence and moderation so necessary as in love.
At the end of the 19th century, a famous French lawyer and researcher of forensic psychology wrote: "Love, which plays such an important role in life and in literature, also occupies an essential place in the statistics of crimes and suicides."
And here is how the disease mania is described in the great literature. Falling in love
of telegraph operator Zheltkov from A. Kuprin's story "Garnet Bracelet".
"In the first second I said to myself: I love her because there is nothing like her in the world, there is nothing better, there is no animal, no plant, no star, no man, more beautiful and tender than you.
You seem to have embodied all the beauty of the earth: "
His whole life is filled only with Her, and when he can no longer see Her even from afar, he has nothing to live with, life turns into torture, and the suicidal outcome is like deliverance from unbearable suffering. It was about this passion that M. Ficino wrote.
"... when the beloved does not love the lover: then the lover is completely dead. After all, he does not live in himself: just as he does not live in the beloved, because he is rejected by him. Where does he live then? Really in the air, in fire, or in the earth, or in the body of an animal? In no way. For the soul of a person does not live in any other body than a human. So, perhaps, it drains life in some other body of an unloved person? , no. For if he does not live in the one in whom he passionately strives to live, how will he live in the other? Consequently, the one who loves the other, but is unloved by him, does not live anywhere. For this reason, the unloved lover is completely dead. will never rise again, unless his indignation awakens".
In the United States, 25% of suicides are committed by a spouse, lover, or rival in the fight for the favor of the same person.
When Marina Tsvetaeva was asked what she would say to someone who, in response to a love refusal, would threaten her to shoot herself. She replied, "Shoot. Immediately." This answer did not show the cruelty of a wise woman, but the knowledge of life. What is driving this person: unbridled passion or wounded pride, overconfidence or mad despair? Tantrums blackmail, but threats are rarely carried out. Worse with quiet ones, stubborn sufferers, these can.
Renowned psychotherapist Vladimir Levy names seven types of love-dependent suicidal risk:
- long, hopeful, and then refusal;
- refusal in a humiliating manner;
- young age, excessive selfishness complicated by infantilism;
- layering a love drama on a depressive state that has arisen from other reasons;
- a person's predisposition not only to love, but also to other addictions - for example, to drugs, alcohol;
- painful pride, inferiority complex; a tendency to take revenge - it is these people who most often try to blackmail either by murder or by suicide, and sometimes they really do it out of revenge or simply to prove their feelings;
- relationships that have reached the point of great affection and dependence, terminated either suddenly and rudely, or by the type of cutting the tail in parts, especially when this is not just leaving, but leaving with treason ...
Suicide is committed by people who are mentally normal, but MENTALLY sick - these two concepts had to be categorically separated; in these mentally ill people, the most frequent and most pronounced leading state is not depression, as it was previously believed, but mental pain as such: a painful, hellish state, not necessarily accompanied, as in depression, by oppression of the psyche and bodily functions.
Psychotherapist V. Levy
An incident from life. Adolf Hitler was 23 years older than Eva Braun, they met in 1938. The seventeen-year-old daughter of a Catholic professor and a former figure skating champion was brought up in the best traditions of a bourgeois family. A pretty graduate of a lyceum, and then a trade school, she was fond of music, sports, photography. She was beautifully built.
Eva worked as an assistant secretary for Heinrich Hoffmann, editor of the Volkischer Beobachter newspaper. Organ of the National Socialist Party, this newspaper was under the scrutiny of Nazi leader Adolf Hitler. The appearance of a pretty blonde in the editorial board did not go unnoticed.
Hitler was by that time a prominent political figure, "tied" with big businessmen and bankers. Thousands of militants already stood behind the future chancellor.
At this time, he lived with nineteen-year-old Angela Raubal, whom he affectionately called Helia. A secret relationship with a girl, designed as a housekeeper, weighed down Hitler. Unclear sexual orientations, attempts to realize them, horror and disappointment of Helia created excruciating discomfort in the life of the Nazi leader.
Angela is boring and patient, Eve is cheerful and determined. Such comparisons played a fatal role in the lives of both women. Helia committed suicide with a shot in the head. In a suicide note, she apologized to "Uncle Adik".
The first night with the Fuhrer not so much disappointed, but even shocked Eve, she could not remember this without shuddering for a long time. But over time, Eve began to like Hitler's masochistic quirks, he demanded that she write on his face, other parts of the body, for many years she kept a bridle and boots with sharp heels, objects of the first sexual experiments, among memorabilia.
Another episode of Hitler's masochistic orientation and an example of the behavior of an erotic masochist. The famous film actress Renata Müller told director A. Zeisler about how she spent the evening with Hitler when he was already chancellor:
"I was sure that he wanted to sleep with me. We both had already undressed and seemed to be going to lie down when Hitler suddenly fell to the floor and began to beg me to hit him. I hesitated, but he asked , said that he was no good for anything, blamed himself for all sins and crawled humbly in front of her, as if in agony. This scene became unbearable for me, and I, in the end, heeded his persuasion and hit him. It terribly excited him and he begged for more and more, muttering that this was more than he could have expected, that he was not worthy to be in the same room with her. I continued to beat him, and he became more and more agitated". The psyche of Renata Müller could not stand such a shock, she committed suicide.
Hitler acted primarily as a sadist in relation to the people, but as a masochist in relation to fate, history, the "higher power" of nature. His end - suicide amid total destruction - is as characteristic as his dream of success - complete domination.
A relationship crisis hit when Eve, refusing to marry her, tried to commit suicide. After that, Hitler assigned two Gestapo men to her, who followed her every step. Photos of the Fuhrer's mistress disappeared from magazines, severe censorship forbade mention of her and persecuted violators. Eva Braun became the secret life of the Fuhrer, the father of the nation.
Was she loyal to Adolf? From the beginning of 1944, she had a relationship with SS Obergruppenfuehrer Otto Fegelein. Since July 1944, Hitler forbade his mistress to appear in Berlin.
At the end of April 1945, when the fate of the Third Reich was already a foregone conclusion, and the red banner of victors was developing over the Reichstag, Eva lived at the Fuhrer's dacha in the Alps. She understood that Hitler had lost and his days were numbered, but she decided to go to him in besieged Berlin. In itself, this trip was very dangerous, all around the bombing, explosions, shooting, but nothing stops Eve.
For Hitler, Eve's arrival was a surprise, but he was delighted and said that she deserves to become the official wife of the Fuhrer. By this time, Hitler is a pitiful sight, a shaking, neurotic invalid, a wreck. Together with the discussion of marriage, they also discuss how to end their life. Eva Braun was Hitler's mistress for many years and his wife for less than a day.
One of the varieties of bad love is the charm with genius. Genius people differ from ordinary people in many ways, and love relationships with them have their own specifics. The writer Berberova recalled her life with Khodasvich in the following way: “My happiness with him was not exactly the kind that is usually defined by words: joy, light, bliss, well-being, pleasure, peace. It consisted in something else: in the fact that I felt the life next to him more strongly, felt more alive than before meeting him, that I was burning with life in its contrasts, that in the suffering that I learned then, I had more life in me than if she divided her surroundings and those around her into "yes" and "no" ... The "intensity" of the charge was sometimes such that any miracle seemed possible".
The love "intensity" of a charge next to a genius is so strong that as soon as a rupture occurs, the charge stops, an intolerable depression sets in, a loss of euphoria, the brightness of life. It is like being denied access to a drug addict.
In 1920, Sergei Yesenin met Galina Benislavskaya. Soon she entered the circle of people close to him, led literary affairs. According to the memoirs of Ilya Schneider, the impresario of Isadora Duncan: “This girl is smart and deep, she loved Yesenin devotedly and selflessly. Only Yesenin's marriage to Leo Tolstoy's granddaughter Sofya Andreevna Tolstoy made Benislavskaya move away from him. Galina Benislavskaya almost a year after the poet's death - December 3, 1926 - committed suicide at Yesenin's grave".
In 1942 Stefan Zweig was poisoned, he expressed his suicidal thoughts to his wife Lot Altman. She, not enduring this shock, took the poison and went to bed, hugging the already cooled corpse of her husband. He was 60 and she was 42 years old. E. Remarque wrote about this double tragedy in the novel “Shadows in Paradise”: “If that evening in Brazil, when Stefan Zweig and his wife committed suicide, they could pour out their souls to someone at least over the phone, misfortunes might not have happened. But Zweig found himself in a foreign land among strangers".
The wife of the writer AI Kuprin also could not live after the death of her outstanding husband - she hanged herself.
This tragic phenomenon was explained by the famous Russian psychologist-clinician S.S. Korsakov. The court considered the case of nineteen-year-old Praskovya Kachka, who killed her lover because of jealousy. The question arose about her sanity. S.S. Korsakov. There he first spoke about psychopathies and defined these mental disorders. Therefore, suicides do not occur as a reaction to unhappy falling in love, but as a result of psychopathies, a timely cure, which leads to a return to a full life. Among drug addicts, such psychopathies occur more often than among unhappy lovers.
Shakespeare's Othello strangled Desdemona, Rogozhin stabbed Nastasya Filippovna in Fyodor Dostoevsky's The Idiot, and all this happened not at all from “great love”, but from a whole set of mental disorders, one of which was “love addiction”.
It should be noted that the glorification of suffering, suicide, and murder motivated by jealousy caused by amorous upheavals occurs only in cultural communities, and in communities unfamiliar with world and other literature, this is not. American anthropologist Margaret Mead, in a study on Samoan natives, describes how she told them the story of Romeo and Juliet. They found her very comical and died laughing at such an absurd behavior of a young man and a girl. So it turns out that psycho-psychiatric experiences and disorders have always accompanied amorous relationships, but their mass character, suicidal end or murder of the object of poor-quality love has become widespread "thanks" to poets and writers.
In the midst of biological evolution, man emerged from the influence of natural selection, because the main condition of life was not genetically transmitted information, including the instinct of self-preservation, but the extragenetically transmitted need for socialization.
... the motive of insanity due to strong blinding love is universal (archetypal).
Aldo Carotenuto “Eros and Pathos. Shadows of Love and Suffering ”. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
Those. several centuries of hard work of poets and writers and a new insane archetypal pattern is ready.
Our culture has gone far from the cultural development of the aborigines, but has it gone in that direction or not? After all, so many suicides and murders have been paid for this care on the same amorous - erotic soil that they can be compared with the tragedies of epidemics and wars.
From letters to the Club: Antonina, 29 years old. At the age of 17 and 19, there were suicidal attempts due to violent, unhappy love. She is raising a daughter, she is pregnant. “Only now I realized what love is
. It is to grow old with your beloved husband. And what was in his youth is such nonsense, as in a vulgar film. It’s very interesting what will come of the children ”.
“Hello, I have a strong dependence on a young man, I ruined my life by living his life. Now this is accompanied by depression and the means that previously helped and relaxed do not help. I have lost the meaning of life and taste for it, I do not want anything. I sit at home all day and wait for my martyr to write to me, I feel so good with him that it’s unbearably bad without him. I tried to dispel - it does not help, but only worsens everything. I stopped liking what I loved and lost interest in it. Alika "
A well-known psychotherapist from California compares alcoholism with a disease of alcoholism in his book "Should you be a slave to love?"
The symptoms below provide characteristics of illness and recovery for alcoholics and for people who “love too much” (addicted to unhealthy relationships). They clearly show the parallel between the two diseases, both in the active phase and in the recovery phase. Of course, the table cannot fully reflect all the features of the struggle for recovery in people suffering from each of these diseases. Recovering from addiction to unhealthy relationships (“love too much”) is just as difficult as it is from alcoholism. For those suffering from these diseases, recovery can mean a choice between life and death.
Olympic champion Yulia Chepalova: "I liked to make fun of, tease the guys who
courted me, and it was all until one guy finished
life by suicide. After that, I began to be more careful with the guys and
Signs of mania.
|| "Love Too Strong"
| Alcohol Addiction
|| Addicted to Unhealthy Relationships
| Denying the severity of the problem
|| Denying the severity of the problem
| Lies to hide the true extent of drunkenness
|| Lies to hide the true nature of the relationship
| Repeated attempts to control alcohol use
|| Repeated attempts to control the relationship with the partner
| Unexplained mood swings anger, depression, guilt,
|| Unexplained mood swings anger, depression, guilt,
| Irrational behavior 80 times higher number of suicides
|| Irrational behavior, increased number of suicides
| Intoxication Incidents
|| Stress Incidents
| Self-loathing coupled with self-justification
|| Self-loathing coupled with self-justification
| Somatic diseases caused by alcohol abuse
|| Somatic illness by prolonged stress |
The recovery from alcoholism and "too much love" (unhealthy relationships) also overlap to a large extent.
• Recognizing your helplessness in the face of illness
• Taking responsibility for your actions
• Seek help from specialists
• Try to objectively understand your feelings, and not get stuck in them
• Developing healthy interests, improving lifestyle
Both alcoholism and "too much love" (unhealthy relationships) in the early stages appear, hidden, but when the destructive consequences become obvious, it is tempting to consider and treat only the physical manifestations of the disease - cirrhosis of the liver or pancreatitis in an alcoholic, a nervous disorder or high blood pressure in a woman who “loves too much” without looking at the big picture. It is vitally important to treat these “symptoms” in the context of the disease process that led to their formation, and to recognize this disease process at the earliest stages in order to prevent the possibility of destruction of emotional and physical health.
Whether addiction to chemical addiction or unhealthy relationships ultimately affects every aspect of the sufferer's life, causing progressive disorder in every way. This also applies to children of people suffering from unhealthy relationships, who develop a mental illness - "codependency", which in turn leads to their predisposition to the same illness - unhealthy relationships.
The resulting attraction (under the influence of strong emotions) changes the inner world of a person and distorts mental processes such as thinking, perception and evaluation. There is a reassessment of values, a reorientation of the personality. Interpersonal relationships are formed on the basis of these distorted feelings.
And if you talk on suicidal forums (which I have been doing for a long time), it turns out that every second person here is a narcissist, if not more.
According to Stenon Peel, author of Love and Addiction: "... biased experience absorbs a person's consciousness and, like an analgesic, dampens his anxiety and suffering.
An addicted relationship is characterized by a desire for the partner's constant and reassuring presence. The second criterion for bias is that it weakens the ability to focus on other aspects of one's life.
We use our obsession with a loved one to avoid suffering, emptiness, anger and fear. We use our relationships like drugs, avoiding the feelings we would have to experience alone. The more painful our communication with a partner becomes, the more it distracts us from reality. The worst relationships are for us the same purpose as drugs are for the consummate addict. But without a beloved on whom we can focus all our attention, we withdraw into ourselves. Often the lover develops physical and emotional symptoms typical of abstinence from drugs: nausea, sweating, hypothermia, convulsions, chaotic thoughts, depression, insomnia, panic and anxiety attacks".
The psyche of lovers also becomes very unstable: they either have fun for no reason, or they find despondency, they do not hear what others are saying to them, or suddenly explode and tell their loved ones insolence because of some nonsense. Is it any wonder that in the old days such unusual behavior of lovers was attributed to the action of a potion or witchcraft.
So here it is, the shocking, blatant truth about love:
In fact, according to American doctors, love
, more precisely falling in love
is really a disease. In the language of medicine, an acute mental disorder.
This conclusion is based on the fact that in the examined people who are in a state falling in love
, changes in the metabolism of neurotransmitters (chemical "transmitters") in the nervous system were similar to those observed in patients who are in a manic (or hypomanic) state.
That is why falling in love
is accompanied by such, in the full sense of the word, painful symptoms, such as dependence on another person - an object love (merging with him, up to the degree of "obsession", when obsessive thoughts about the object of love do not leave the victim of the disease alone, either day or night).
Mark Sandomirsky, psychotherapist.
And by the end of the twentieth century, psychiatrists and psychotherapists still could not stand the lovingly - poetic freedom, the mental harm that all these "romantically - drug addicts" inflict on people
... that the heart of a psychiatrist is almost daily constricted in pain at the sight of the excruciating delusions and suffering generated by this myth. Millions of people spend a lot of energy desperately and hopelessly trying to reconcile the reality of their lives with the unreality of myth".
Morgan Scott Peck; psychiatrist, lieutenant colonel, military psychologist, "The Myth of Romantic Love"
In general, codependency is such a concentration on the life of another person that interferes with the satisfaction of one's own vital needs. It is usually accompanied by low self-esteem of the "lover", violation of personal boundaries (both their own and those of others - the willingness to dissolve in another without a trace), a compulsive desire to control the life of the object of their affection, take care of him and endlessly save. Life without this other does not seem to exist.
D. MD, professor V.D. Moskalenko
and recognized them as mental disorders, learned to treat successfully enough, and entered in the international classifier of diseases (ICD-10) in section F63. "Habit and impulse disorders" is a classification of non-chemical forms of addictive behavior:
1. Pathological attraction to gambling (gambling).
2. Erotic addiction.
2.1. Love addictions.
2.2. Sexual addiction.
3. "Socially acceptable" addictions:
3.2. Sports addiction (exercise addiction).
3.3. Relationship addiction.
3.4. Addiction to spending money (shopping).
3.5. Religious addiction.
further on the list of ICD.
For several decades, doctors have issued bulletins on disability due to illness - "love addiction".
An addict is a person who, at the beginning of life, had to experience polarized excesses, inconsistency or deprivation in at least one of the following significant areas: intimacy, discipline, parental role models (gender-erotic), passivity-aggressiveness, work and play functions, frustration tolerance and the ability to control your own impulses. Imbalances in these areas are responsible for varying degrees of destruction of self-esteem and impulse control.
It can be noted that the list of correction addictions that are trained by clinical psychologists is wider than in medicine. To those already listed were added: computer and Internet addictions, spiritual search, "a state of permanent war", dependence on "fun driving". The epidemiology of addictive behavior notes an increase in the dynamics of the problem over the past 15 years. But our culture, both official and pop, stubbornly does not notice this and continues to distort the psyche of people, especially young ones.
is undoubtedly a disease that has been studied least of all diseases and even, perhaps, completely unexplored.
V. A. Soloukhin
Today we can assure V. A. Soloukhin (unfortunately posthumously) that what he called love and what has nothing to do with it is addiction, it has been studied in detail, but also true love , for those who want to take advantage of its benefits, it has also been sufficiently studied.
Ecology and drama of love. E. Pushkarev
Psychiatric confusion with love at school. E. Pushkarev
love addiction according to Egorov;
of Sexual Addiction by P. Carnes.
Signs of mania
look like crazy, they do not see the obvious and manage to see the non-existent."
Ancient Roman poet Lucretius Kar
The signs of the active phase of natural love and mania are the same, only falling in love is a “genetically predetermined instinctive component of mating”, and the origins of mania are in intrapersonal trauma, problems, a low level of psychological health.
Physician psychotherapist Harvey Hendrix, who studied the psychology of love relationships, having analyzed the statements of lovers from literary works and other sources, came to the conclusion that the feeling of mania experienced can be characterized by four signs, which were subsequently supplemented:
1. The phenomenon of recognition. This happens at the very beginning of the relationship and usually sounds like this: “As soon as I met you, I immediately felt that I was looking for you. I recognized you immediately". This is most vividly described by A.S. Pushkin in the episode when Tatiana writes a letter to Onegin: “You appeared to me in dreams; Invisible, you were already nice to me ...". And most importantly: "You just entered, I instantly recognized!" This phrase loses its mysteriousness if we recall the principle of choice already described - a person subconsciously falls in love with the one who most reminds him of his parents or the people who raised him. He seems to be meeting his childhood again and at the subconscious level hopes that his deepest, strongest, but unsatisfied desires in childhood will be finally satisfied. And there are reasons for this: there is someone who will take care of him; he will no longer be alone and defenseless.
2. The phenomenon of infinity of time. A few days after they met, it seems that they have always known each other; there are no time boundaries in their relationship. Later, the lovers realize this fact and say: "We have known each other for only a few days, but it seems to me that I have known you all my life." These are not just words, lovers really feel like old acquaintances with each other. These impressions are confirmation that this feeling is ruled by the subconscious. When people fall in love, their subconscious mind combines the image of a partner with the image of parents or caregivers, and the feeling of falling in love in this sense is equivalent to the feelings of a baby in the arms of his loving mother. An illusion of reliability and safety arises, the lover "clings" to the partner like a drowning man in a life buoy.
Wild love should be feared as well as hate. When love
is strong, it is always clear and calm.
3. The phenomenon of reunification. When the relationship goes far, the lovers, look into each other's eyes, say: "When I am with you, I feel like a different person, I gain what I have long lacked in life" (This is why the legend of androgynes is so tenacious). The lovers are seized by the thought that he has chosen a partner who has something that he himself did not have in childhood, or that he was forbidden to do, that is, a person actually seeks to realize those desires that he did not manage to fulfill in childhood. Accustomed to suppress emotions in oneself, he chooses the eccentric, direct in behavior and dress, as if he is freed from the constant pressure of the "self-deficiency" complex. There is a feeling of meeting with your second "I", significantly expanding the current "I".
4. The phenomenon of necessity. Lovers say about their feelings like this: "I cannot live without you!" They are so absorbed in each other that they cannot imagine their separate existence possible. These feelings confirm that a lover cannot live, remain without the subject of his adoration, just as a newborn cannot live without a mother, since he unconsciously transfers to her the concern for his survival. Delving deeper into the meaning of this phenomenon, we will understand that the lover is afraid of losing his partner, since together with him he will lose the sense of integrity that has again taken possession of him. He would again be disappointed, unprotected, from the once so terrifying world. Loneliness, dissatisfaction would crowd out all other feelings, and he would withdraw into himself, breaking away from the whole world. Ultimately, losing a partner for a lover means losing your integrity. In the posthumous notes, it is formulated as follows: "Life without you has lost all meaning, and therefore has become unbearable."
When a person falls in love, he begins by deceiving himself and ends by deceiving others.
5. The phenomenon of the eternity of feeling. Zinaida Gippius gives another sign to those already listed by Dr. H. Hendrix: "Everyone knows because it is inevitably accompanied by a feeling, firstly, of the absolute uniqueness of the beloved and, secondly, of the eternity of love." Those experiencing mania swear in the eternity of their feelings, but this oath is valid only at the moment of pronouncing. They deceive their beloved just as much as they themselves are deceived, since at this moment they are not given to know how long their feeling will last.
From a letter from Boris Pasternak to Marina Tsvetaeva: "I could and should have hidden from you until we meet that I can never stop loving you now, that you are my only legitimate heaven, and my wife is so legitimate that in this word, from the force that surged into him, begins to hear madness that had never lived in him before. Marina, my hair stands on end from pain and cold when I call you". In another letter: "I was in a world full of passion for you, and did not hear the harshness and smokiness of my own. It was the first love and the easiest thing in the world. I loved you as I only thought to love in my life." This love
ended - nothing, burned out.
thinks about a moment and eternity, but never about “duration”.
Eternal love is familiar only to lovers.
V. Grzeszik, Polish satirist
6. The phenomenon of "unearthly joy". V.S. Soloviev called the feeling that lovers experience "a breath of unearthly joy." This "trend" is known to every lover, it embraces the whole person, as a whole, changes externally and internally. Such love
is always spiritually bodily. Outwardly, a person experiencing mania looks like a drug addict in a state of drug intoxication, or anxiety, when he is afraid that he will not get the next portion of the drug.
A.S. Pushkin called this state bliss:
To listen to you for a long time, to understand
Soul all your perfection,
To die in agony before you,
Turn pale and fade.: Here is bliss!
Even about a strong energetic personality, as Pushkin's Aleko says:
But god! How Passions Played
His obedient soul!
7. The phenomenon of "deification". The totality of the experience of the phenomena described above leads to the deification of the person with whom they are in love. The beloved is credited with positive qualities that he does not have, and those that he have are overestimated. They talk about him with a special timbre in their voice, with a gasp: "Yes, you know how good he is (brilliant, capable, etc.): I will ask you not to talk about him like that in my presence." Because of his "eccentricity", they are ready to endure insults and humiliation, if only he would allow them to be around. A woman in love declares: "I want to have a child from him, no matter what." Moreover, this thought may arise in the first moments of the meeting.
Petrarch, to describe Laura's appearance, finds such a turn "a reflection of divine beauty"
Lovers can express their feelings in a different way, they may not talk about their feelings, but in any case, they confirm with their behavior those thoughts that explain the connection between mania and the nature of the subconscious.
In lovers experiencing mania, both all seven of its signs and only some of them may be present, it all depends on the degree of involvement in a painful feeling, that is, on the size, number of childhood psychotraumas and on identification by the subconscious of the subject, through, which it will seek to heal, neutralize.
The above describes the signs of mania that lovers experience in the active phase of their relationship, before the creation of a stable union, when the relationship is saturated with romance, dreams, and illusions. And the psychotherapist Margaret Beatty studied what these addicts in love face, after the beginning of a life together, i.e., when illusions turn into painful, traumatizing relationships, everyday life. The disease has entered its main destructive phase. For some, it will not last long - a tragic denouement will come, like Anna Karenina's with Vronsky,
in more detail: The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev
for someone it will continue for years, slowly but steadily destroying health, like
I.S. Turgenev and P. Viardot.
Margaret Beatty, in her book on codependency, identifies specific signs of poor-quality falling in love - mania, comparing them with the experience of love.
Comparison of characteristics of love and addiction (according to M. Bitty, 1997):
|| Unhealthy Addiction
| There is room for spiritual growth to spread your wings; desire for growth for another.
|| Addiction based on safety and comfort; the intensity of need and insatiability are used as proof of love, which in reality can be fear, lack of confidence, loneliness.
| Separate interests; each partner can have their own friends; other significant relationships are maintained as well.
|| Total involvement; limitation of life in society; old friends are abandoned, as are old interests.
| Encouraging each other to strive for personal growth; self-confidence.
|| Constant preoccupation of thoughts with the behavior of another; dependence of one's own identity and self-worth on the approval of others.
| Trust, openness.
|| Jealousy, the desire to possess another as property; fear of competition, the partner guards his "treasure".
| The inviolability, integrity of the person is mutually maintained.
|| Satisfying the needs of one partner stops for the needs of the other partner, abandoning oneself, depriving oneself of something important.
| The desire to take risks and be real, who you are.
|| Striving for absolute invulnerability, which excludes possible risks.
| A space for exploring feelings both within and outside relationships.
|| Assurances, calming through repetitive, ritual activities.
| The ability to enjoy both together and alone.
|| Intolerance to loneliness, inability to endure separation even in conflict; in this case, the partner clings even more tightly. In case of separation or rupture of relations - loss of appetite, anxiety, drowsiness, agony of feelings.
To illustrate the various options for poor quality love - mania, a few examples.
The highest value on this Earth is Love
Block was looking for an Ideal Beautiful Lady in living women, but he could not find it. The first and most affected by such romanticism of Blok (and his love feelings did not bring joy to anyone) was Lyubov Dmitrievna Mendeleeva, the daughter of Dmitry Ivanovich Mendeleev from her second marriage. They met when Blok was 17, Lyuba 16, they took part in an amateur performance, Blok played Hamlet
From unhappy love (Lyubochka was a little shy, and the admirer was too "abrupt", and she behaved with him too harshly) the young poet fell into ecstasy, into an almost religious trance: here she is. Beautiful Lady, so close and so unearthly .: To his own misfortune, he was interested not only in poetry, but also in philosophy - and, without knowing it, a pretty, plump girl who did not think about the Eternal, became the Soul of the World, eternal femininity:
After lengthy quarrels, quarrels (and even an attempted suicide of a poet in love), the relationship was sorted out, although even then it was difficult to call them serene.
"Always almost gloomy, he barely speaks to me: What exactly needs to be done? I do not want hugs: because hugs (sudden consent) are a stinking monster. I do not want words. Words were and will be: I want over words and over hugs: what I want will come true, "Blok wrote shortly before the wedding.
On August 17, 1903, the young got married. They said that at the wedding, the fair-haired sweet girl really looked like a Beautiful Lady and shone with happiness.
But there was no happiness, beyond the hugs - too. How should a young wife feel when a newly-made husband on their wedding night proves to her that sensual love is a diabolical perversion of true, spiritual love, capable only of distorting and destroying the harmony of the established "higher relationship"?
Alexander was an ardent adherent of courtly love, or as in the Middle Ages was called refined.
“... a knight and his lady never have sexual intercourse. This is an idealized spiritual relationship, created specifically in order to raise it above the level of gross matter and cultivate a refined sensitivity and spirituality.
... the knight adores her, serves her and makes her his ideal and spiritual center, but he cannot have a close relationship with her. To do otherwise is to make her an ordinary mortal woman, and sublime love requires that he constantly see in her a deity ...".
Robert A. Johnson "What is love, what is romance, and what is the difference between them"
Nowadays, this form of love addiction is rare.
Unlike Blok, Lyuba was an earthly, sensual, carnal woman. From the memoirs of Andrei Bely: "Vigorous woman, blood and milk:"
Blok rejected physical intimacy, leaving only platonic love “cleansed of dirt” for the husband and wife. But along with this, the young Blok was bubbling inside with an irresistible libido, which he, almost without hiding from his wife, quenched in a brothel. The female body demanded its own, and Lyuba was forced to have lovers. From one of them she became pregnant, gave birth, but the child soon died.
The block dedicated 687 love hymns to the Beautiful Lady! And she did not need poetry at all, but life, which a girl usually expects: general worries, children, quiet evenings and conversations about this and that.
"... I tried to arrange my life as needed, as conveniently as possible: I only thought about how to get rid of this love that I no longer needed:" Lady. It's good to be the poet's beloved, but to be his wife !:
At the end of 1906, Blok, who did not find a beautiful image in his wife, fell in love with the actress Natalia Volokhova - a tall, slender dark-skinned woman with large dark eyes. Strict posture, not a shadow of coquetry, tightly closed black dresses, a low chest voice: Inaccessibility and sublimity - and so Blok found a new lady, even was going to get divorced and marry her.
But again it didn't work out. An intelligent, sophisticated woman, not a bad but not a genius actress, after all, she was neither a comet, nor a "romantic Mother of God with a demonic gaze" (the cycles "Faina" and "Snow Mask" are dedicated to her), nor a goddess, nor: A Beautiful Lady. And the smaller Blok did not suit.
Blok's father, according to many estimates, "was unfit for family life because of some atavistic, abnormal cruelty", "kept his wife from hand to mouth, beat her", "was a clinical sadist who tortured two wives and ended his days as a lonely unkempt insane." The mother, according to others, was also, if not hysterical, then at least a nervous and painfully capricious person, falling into fits of unconsciousness and melancholy. She was often haunted by gloomy thoughts, as a result of three unfinished suicide attempts.
Anna Akhmatova spoke about Blok: "I suppose Blok was generally bad, disrespectful of women. Two women told me, both young and beautiful. One was visiting him late, in an empty apartment ... The other in" Stray Dog "... both of the breed of women-seductresses ... And he pushed them away at the last minute: "God ... it's dawn ... goodbye ... goodbye ..." And women really don't like it when their desire remains unanswered. Moreover, they do not like weak men, and Blok was not strong, especially with women".
Blok had many more attempts to find the Beautiful Lady: Valentina Shchegoleva, actress, wife of the famous Pushkinist, opera singer Lyubov Andreeva-Delmas again and again, and each time he thought that he had finally found a woman who " love unearthly "values higher than earthly! But no matter how it is, Blok did not know how to be happy. At the same time, Blok also had mistresses without any special pretensions. August 7, 1921 A. Blok died, he died at the age of 40. Lyubov Dmitrievna had to live another 18 years - restless and difficult, to experience poverty, loneliness and oblivion. But, nevertheless, after this novel, wonderful poems remained.
20 - 25% take a negative or indifferent attitude towards sex.
2% are frigid
2% high sex drive
20 - 25% active, interested attitude to sex
Others represent average sexual interest
A case from the life of Alla Borisovna and Philip Bedrosovich. A legend told by Philip in a TV show.
"As a child, I was seriously ill with mumps. Worried parents were taken to Baba Vanga, she calmed them, saying that the disease would soon pass. Mother calmed down and began to ask questions:" Who will he be? " on a mountain, with a metal rod ". Mountain pop Olympus, a microphone rod. And who will be your wife?" Wanga: "The woman he will see when the pig fever passes." : Perplexity.
When my fever has passed, I open my eyes, first I see my mother, grandmother, the TV was turned on, I turn my head and at this time they announce: "Alla Pugacheva is performing at the Golden Orpheus", this is how I saw for the first time Allu ".
They got married in 1994, got married in Jerusalem. Philip's admiration had arisen a few years earlier, and it was bright, close to domination. This was manifested in the fact that at concerts, when both of them participated, at parties, Philip defiantly looked at her point-blank, wide-eyed, Alla Borisovna perceived this as insolence, petty hooliganism of the boy.
At one of the parties where the artists were after the concert, at the very end of it, Philip took in more air, went up to the star and blurted out: "I love you." It was noisy, everyone was hot with alcohol, pranks. Alla Borisovna was also flushed by the general fun, enthusiasm, attention, answered: "You love, marry", this was greeted as another successful joke, caused an outburst of laughter.
In the United States, divorce rates have increased almost 17 times since 1867. The figure only doubled from the mid-60s to the mid-70s of the last century. In the mid-70s, 1 out of 3 first marriages in America ended in divorce. And now it is more than 1 in every two. Some get married and divorced several times, a practice even called "legalized polygamy." If all this is taken into account, the divorce rate will be over 50% and this figure continues to increase. The United States has the highest divorce rate.
Legend told by Alla Borisovna.
"Once again I was alone, it strained, depressing, unnerving. Being, having drunk, in front of the home iconostasis, I turned to the Almighty with claims, demands, and having calmed down with a request:" Give me a person with whom I will be calm, peaceful, I very tired. Endlessly fighting for a man, it's hard for me, I'm already tired of everything and want peace. "I was so carried away by my revelations that I also expounded my feelings with the help of profanity. All this rather stormy mystery, I ended with a vow:" I will choose a man of the first three who will call tomorrow. "
The next morning, Philip phoned first, my mood was not that unimportant, just bad, I sharply answered: "Don't poke your nose, get out of your way, not up to you", when I hung up, I remembered about yesterday's vow, came the thought: "Some nonsense, but funny." The second call again from Philip: "Have you calmed down? I would like to talk:" I already spoke calmly, ironically, playfully, this encouraged Philip, and he invited him to a restaurant. I agreed.
After this meeting, I already began to think: "Why not? Here with him I will be myself, without shocks, overloads, will never change, will not press, demand, reject, he is without pretensions ". After all, before him, I sought all my men, harassed, conquered myself. And here they are harassing me so persistently".
For his selfless feeling: he calls every day, even from Russia, even from abroad, Alla Borisovna wanted to give birth to a child for him in 1995, even underwent medical treatment abroad. But the doctors said unequivocally: "It won't work".
It is quite possible that it is Philip who has the strongest feeling for Alla Borisovna, and this feeling is called mania, poor quality of love. He tries to emphasize the enormity of his feelings in all his interviews and most of the songs, and it is they that turn out to be the most sincere, sincere and expressive.
I will die
Look me in the eye
I'm not lying
Tell me I'll die for you
If only you knew
That nobody loves you
Since I love
I will die for you.
Several centuries before that:
“If this heat is not love, what ailment is chilling me?
If he is love, then what is love?
Good? But these torments, God!
So evil fire? ..
And the sweetness of these torments! "
Philip was left without a mother early, remained disliked, this deficiency is an unhealed wound. He has repeatedly said that woman # 1 is his mother. The tear-stained, wary, frightened boy Filippok has forever remained a painful part of the adult's soul, starry in the flowers and beams of the searchlights of the talented handsome Philip, and this restless, crying boy largely determines the mental life of an adult. Studying excellently at school, his classmates were of little interest, he was oriented towards more mature, advanced women - leaders, it is even better if she is a star. The subconscious desire to receive from a woman what he did not receive in childhood is the determining, dominant motive when choosing a girlfriend. In addition, Alla Borisovna has an external resemblance to Philip's mother.
Philip himself is the object of many in love
of his fans. One of them announced this from the TV screen. His peer, the head teacher of the school, confessed to the whole country of her great feeling for him. And this feeling blocks the attention of other men. There is even such a version in her dreams - he receives a serious injury, which deprives him of the ability to move. And now he is confined to the bed, naturally Alla Borisovna refuses him and transfers him to the care of paid nurses, and she is ready to accept him and such a disabled person and surround him not only with care, but also with warmth.
The typical American has 7-10 novels in his life
The average college student already had 6 to 7 romance novels and 1 to 2 love affairs.
The average person will have about 8 romances before the wedding and 1.5 after.
An incident from life. People's Artist of Russia Lyudmila Senchina: "In my first marriage, my son Slavik was born. Bass guitarist Igor Talkov came to my group, I fell madly in love with him. I could not resist this feeling and filed for divorce, my son Slavik stayed with me. Igor and I loved each other very much and now, when I see him on TV, I cry.
After my first divorce, I suffer because I destroyed myself, I did the wrong thing. I destroyed the inner temple, I gained nothing from this love in later life, and what was in me inside began to settle, warp, collapse. I destroyed myself, something passed away, I did badly.
Now, from the perspective of what I have lived through, what I have experienced, what kind of family I would like to have is that they would feel sorry for me. Many years ago I saw a life scene that was vividly imprinted in my memory: a little girl cries deeply and laments: "Mom, have pity on me, mom have pity on me." Here I am, like this girl, I want them to feel sorry for me, to take care of me, to be noticed less. Of course, at the age of 18 you think differently, dream, but you need to suffer a lot, make mistakes, so that everything falls into place".
The typical American couple has sex 2-3 times a week, with intercourse spending 8 minutes with foreplay, pure copulation 4-5 minutes.
A case from life. Hope. 31 years old, married 7 years old, daughter 6 years old.
Prior to this incident, family life was calm, measured, even. The family lived in a house on the outskirts, to which it was necessary to walk from a bus stop about 100 meters, through a vacant lot. Nadezhda repeatedly returned home at dusk, when she stayed with her mother, sister or girlfriends. It was all familiar, usually. This time, also returning to twilight, walking through the wasteland, she met three drunken teenagers. They spoke loudly, defiantly cursing. Having caught up with Nadezhda, one of the teenagers began to pester, others supported him. Nadezhda began to shout loudly at the teenagers and fight back with her handbag. But this only provoked the hooligans, they began to take away their purse. Hope screamed for help. A man with a dog was walking nearby, he ran to help. After a short scuffle, the youths ran away. Nadezhda was excited, upset, together they went to the house. Entering the illuminated entrance, for the first time she clearly saw the face of her savior, it made a pleasant impression. Unexpectedly for her, the thought came to her: "I have to thank him with sex. He's a savior. An unwholesome man will rush to help in a similar situation." We talked for several minutes at the entrance, discussing the unfortunate situation.
Scolding a young man for being in love is like scolding someone for being sick.
Dmitry called a few days later, when the incident began to be forgotten, they easily got into conversation. Nadezhda immediately remembered her thought that she should thank the savior, so when Dmitry offered to meet after work, she immediately agreed. Dmitry told his story: he and his wife have a tense relationship, so when a friend, leaving on a business trip, asked to live in his apartment to feed and walk the dog, he willingly agreed.
The first thought about the payment for salvation by intimacy surprised Nadezhda, but now, during emotional communication, she seemed quite natural and even desirable. Next time we agreed to meet in the apartment where Dmitry temporarily lived. Communication and intimacy turned out to be so exciting that the next meeting was not only obvious, but also highly desirable.
After the third meeting, Nadezhda called her husband and said that she would not come to sleep. Her husband met her after work to figure out what had happened. Nadezhda, feeling her guilt in the conversation without going into details, only repeated: "Do not demand anything from me yet. Let me figure it out for myself. Be patient, now I have nothing more to say to you."
Her sister and mother were on her husband's side. Their position was as follows: "Nadka, stop fooling, twisted her tail and that's enough. Where else can you find such a man? After all, your daughter is growing, what an example you set." This opinion was shared by most of her friends and colleagues. At work, Nadezhda became withdrawn, irritable, after work she immediately rushed to her new home, where she completely transformed and flourished. Next to Dmitry, she forgot everything in the world, all the problems of the day remained outside the walls of their new apartment, she did not want to think about them, let alone solve.
A month later, Dmitry's friend was returning from a business trip, and it was necessary to solve something. Nadezhda, under the influence of her mother and sister, made a very difficult and painful decision to return to her family. Three months later, when relations in the family were mostly restored, Dmitry met Nadezhda after work and offered to sit in a cafe. This was their first meeting after a whirlwind romance, Dmitry said that his relationship with his wife came to a divorce, and moreover, difficulties at work were added. And Dmitry decided to move to a neighboring city and calls Nadezhda with him. He found a job there even earlier, rented an apartment. A few days later, when her husband was not at home, Nadezhda packed her suitcase and left.
The head is most often the Achilles heel.
L. Ishanova, Volgograd
Nadezhda: "Dmitry is a soft and docile person, but inhibited and inactive, he really likes to lie on the couch with a newspaper, watch TV, but you won't be interrogated to do something about the house. Because of this, quarrels arose, not I held out, but after a couple of minutes, I was seized by the fear that he would get up and leave, the fear was so strong that I began to cry. I rushed to Dima, tears poured into two streams, and I kept repeating: "Just don't go , just don’t leave me, I’ll do everything myself, just don’t leave me".
Unexpectedly for myself, unrestrained jealousy opened up in me, as soon as Dima stayed for a few minutes at work, I could not find a place for myself, the most terrible thoughts climbed into my head, everything fell out of my hands. Most of all I missed my daughter. With the edge of my mind, I understood that I was doing something wrong, but leaving Dima was beyond my feminine strength, although occasionally such thoughts came".
Several times my husband, mother and sister came to the negotiations, they brought their daughter. After many months of negotiations, they still managed to return Nadezhda to the family, provided that they sell an apartment here, a garden and leave for Kazakhstan, where her aunt lived with her husband. After a year of living in Kazakhstan, their second daughter was born, after which the spiritual relationship in the family was finally restored. All these adventures added gray hair and wrinkles to both.
Sofa, TV - and no person.
V. Posokhovsky, Leningrad region
A case from life. An organized crime group called the Beach Seducers.
It is not purely Russian, it operates both in the near and far abroad. Information is being collected about rich women leaving for a resort, where an impeccably handsome, athletic, educated, well-rounded young man will already be waiting for her. He will "fall in love" with her at first sight, as soon as a wealthy resort girl starts her vacation. During the whole holiday period and after, he will play the role of Romeo in love, until the woman falls head over heels in love with him. After she returns to a high-paid husband, or is it a business woman who returned to her business, a divorce from her former husband is organized on a high impulse of love. At the same time, Romeo turns out to be very prepared in divorce proceedings and helps his adult Juliet to chop off, the now ex-husband has more property. A new marriage is immediately concluded, after which Romeo immediately grows cold, to his only that beloved passion. Immediately, a new divorce proceedings are started, during which, now the rich Juliet is hacked off more property, with which the charming seducer and recent husband disappears from her life forever. The woman has severe mental and material stress. A professional Romeo from such a love business has 200,000 dollars a year, all members of the criminal gang have their share.
The famous artist Nikos Sofronov became the victim of a marriage swindler, a blonde seductive, artistic beauty. She is part of a criminal group, one of which was her husband, courted Nikos for two years. More than a million dollars were fraudulently seized from him.
We can recall the story of a bright outbreak of love mania that arose in an investigator for especially important cases, who was investigating the case of a particularly dangerous repeat offender S. Maduev. On this sensational at the time dramatic story, the feature film "Prison Romance" and several documentaries were filmed, they include filming of interrogations, even filming with a hidden camera. Having experience and the ability to seduce, he deliberately fell in love with the lady - the investigator, and to such a stage that she lost her sense of perception of reality.
She committed a reckless criminal offense, handed over a tangible revolver to Maduev and helped make an attempt to escape, which initially had no chance of success. She was convicted and has already served her sentence. There were many journalists who tried to interview her, but she refused everyone, but the talkative repeat offender Maduev gave interviews to everyone. In one of them, he said: "Well, you look at me and at her, are we a couple," he considered himself handsome, and her gray mouse. Shortly after these events, he died in a prison hospital from diabetes.
Love your neighbor, but do not be deceived by him.
Love mania can arise without visual contact, only on a promise, beautiful words and good hopes. This is exactly the case when women love with their ears.
03/31/21 on the first channel in the talk show was shown the story of a doctor, candidate of medical sciences, single mother Victoria. She posted her ad on a dating app, and “Janis from Greece” wrote to her. It was a marriage swindler who at that moment was serving a sentence in a strict regime colony. Janis said that he is a lawyer, he works a lot and he simply does not have enough time to create a family, but he has long wanted and dreamed of starting his own family. But worst of all, he has a strict uncle who takes care of him and does not allow him to meet just anyone, since they have a large, friendly, rich family and he will not allow a poor swindler to get into this family. As soon as he saw the photo of Victoria, he fell head over heels in love “... I had no idea that such beautiful, meaningful and at the same time natural women exist in the world, in any case, I have never met such women in Greece. Here, all the girls and even more so women are over emancipated, which means they have ambitions and excessive claims, etc. etc.". Janis spent hours talking with Victoria and all this was overflowing with romance, promises, delights, azure sea, villa, compliments, passion.
And in order for the uncle to agree to his choice, it was necessary to show Victoria's bank account, confirming that she was not poor Cinderella. Victoria: “I was like a zombie, rushed around the banks in search of loans, several times I took loans from different banks for my apartment, for my mother's, for a car, for everything that is possible and impossible. After all, the money was needed for a short time, just to show the account to his uncle. After that, loans from this account are canceled". Victoria and her daughter move to Greece, they get married, and an infinitely happy life begins, in love and wealth.
Victoria collected loans and transferred 15.25 million rubles to the specified bank account. After that, both Janis and the money disappeared. A criminal case was opened, during the investigation it was revealed that Janis worked in a similar way with 9 women, most of whom were also medical workers.
In theory, E. Fromm's feeling of love
is assigned a salutary role in solving the main problem of human existence - overcoming one's alienation. Victoria, in communication with Janis, felt affection, intimate warmth, hope for deliverance from loneliness, deliverance from spiritual alienation. And the more painful loneliness and alienation were, the more manic love flares up and takes hold.
Z. Freud compares falling in love with hypnosis, an altered state of consciousness, when the objective perception of reality is lost, and conscious control decreases.
“Within the framework of falling in love, we were first of all struck by the phenomenon of sexual appreciation, the fact that a beloved object is to a certain extent freed from criticism, that all its qualities are evaluated higher than those of unloved persons, or than at a time when this face has not yet been loved. If sensual aspirations are somewhat repressed or suppressed, then an illusion appears that for its spiritual merits the object is loved and sensually, and meanwhile, perhaps, on the contrary, only sensual disposition endowed him with these merits".
Z. Freud "Falling in love and hypnosis".
Life is a paradise for sinners.
G. Malkin, Moscow
Some more examples of mania.
From the story of Olga Aroseva, People's Artist of the USSR (Mrs. Monika). Olga had two sisters when she was 4 years old, her mother falls deeply in love with a married man who also had three children. Both of them leave their families and go to Sakhalin, where they lived until old age. Such an atypical, rather reckless behavior of the mother predetermined many problems for both children and adults for Olga and her sisters.
Revelations of a mature woman in a TV show: "At that time, my mother and father lived for 22 years, we had three children. And now my mother fell in love with a young man. This is something terrible, she completely lost her shame, her mind , decency. She fell in love like a cat, God forbid: "
Oleg comes to the railway station every day and starts playing the saxophone at 21:00, at which time the train leaves for Moscow. 8 years ago on this train his beloved girl went to Moscow, got married, had children. Many people consider him crazy, but Oleg is not offended. At first it helped him survive the emotional drama, but now it has become a habit, a tradition. Over the years, he never left the city, either on vacation or on a business trip, in order to be able to start his impromptu concert every evening at 21:00.
The love story of the English Admiral Nelson and Lady Hamilton is dramatic. At first, they were united by general political interests, but, in the end, the beautiful lady seduced the valiant sailor so much that for her sake he neglected public decency and foundations, left his family and left the service! However, in the future, nevertheless, the military duty turned out to be stronger, and Lady Hamilton drank herself out of grief and turned into an ordinary homeless woman, remaining, however, in the eyes of the descendants a model of violent and disinterested love.
In Goethe's novel The Sorrows of Young Werther (1774), the hero writes to his beloved before committing suicide: “Oh, if only happiness were given to me die for you! Sacrifice myself for you, Lotta! I joyfully, I would die valiantly, when I could resurrect peace and contentment in your life". After the publication of the novel, an epidemic of young people's suicides from unhappy love swept across Europe.
In Turkey in 1999, after the song "bu aksam olurum" ("this evening I will die" - the direct speech of a man who decided to commit suicide out of love) became a hit, more than 15 people committed suicide, its broadcast was banned. You can listen to the song online.
In 1930, the English prince Edward, who was 36 years old, met the American actress Wallis Simpson, she was 30 years old, and she was in her second marriage. They immediately liked each other, began a romantic relationship. After the death of his father in 1936, the prince becomes King Edward VIII. To legitimize her relationship, Wallis divorced her husband, but the Council of Ministers did not give permission for her to marry the king. Then Edward VIII renounced the throne in favor of his brother. Wallis and Edward got married and lived a long life (he died at 72, she at 76) and were buried nearby.
Of the two quarreling, the more guilty is the one who is smarter.
Differences between mania and illness; "love is gone."
If a heating pad bothers you, it means that you have already warmed up, if your wife bothers you, it means that you have already cooled down.
Poor falling in love can also manifest itself in a socially acceptable form. Mania is "psychotherapeutic love" through which the desire to re-experience childhood psychotrauma is realized. We enter into a loving relationship with a subconscious expectation that our partner will become something like a mom or dad for us, and we will be able to restore everything that was lost in childhood. To heal the wounds of childhood, we only need to create trusting, serious relationships.
If psychotrauma is not essential, after a short communication with the subject of love claims, its "relaxation", "getting rid of" the painful situation occurs, subjectively it is perceived as "love has passed". This psychological situation can be compared to crying. A person who is experiencing a difficultly tolerated, deeply affecting emotion cries to a state when discharge occurs, with tears, with active ventilation of the lungs, annoyance, resentment, tension, nervous overload come out of him, relief, calming.
If there was a release of mania, a person experienced a "state of great love" - he fell out of love, he becomes wiser and from the height of the experienced feeling, as a rule, creates a lasting marriage.
If not, "stuck" in this painful feeling for many years, or even for life, it will poison him, disorganize his entire personal life, if such a person manages to create a family, it will be shaky, formal , insignificant. There are other options, these include marriages in which one “loves” the other allows “love” or tolerates this “love”
Experienced, mature people who have experienced at least one mania no longer strive to re-experience this feeling of "unearthly joy", but strive for a warmer, softer pragma.
In a beautiful soul, sensuality and reason, duty and attraction are in harmony.
A case from life. “I had a state of anxiety, a premonition of something not fully understood. I looked at the clock, it was 12.37. I started to think about what it was for? Maybe I forgot to turn off the kettle in the morning or close the water? should I do it today? ”Nothing came to my mind or came to mind.After a little torment, I got busy with current affairs, there was still a lot to do.
The day ended as usual and I was already falling asleep, my thoughts barely - barely turning in my head. But the thought of Larissa literally threw me out of bed, because I thought of her as an ordinary woman, calmly everyday, because I love her, she has long been an object of special passion, a disturber of my mental and heart state. I literally broke out in a cold sweat, what is it? The thought of Larissa, and I am completely calm, neither an increase in my heart, nor other worries. I even got out of bed, began to walk, I wanted to sort out my feelings. No matter how much I thought about Larissa, my head, heart, soul worked perfectly smoothly, without bursts and worries. I realized - I stopped loving her, immediately remembered my feelings that arose at 12.37, it turns out with what my incomprehensible feelings were connected. If I had been delving into my feelings longer, I probably would have gotten to this already in the afternoon, but the fluidity of the day did not allow me to do this.
for Larisa was almost without reciprocity, I made multiple attempts to develop it, go to rapprochement, but received in response: neither yes nor no. The next day, remembering in the morning that I had fallen out of love with Larissa, my spirits lifted, nevertheless this feeling led me into a difficult situation.
In the afternoon I decided to go to Larisa's work to check how my heart would work in her presence. Approaching her, I smiled broadly, I greeted, after talking for a couple of minutes, I was convinced that my heart and soul were absolutely calm. Walking away from her, the heightened mood changed to the usual, everyday, I realized that Larissa is now a past history for me, and there were still a lot of things to do today".
And it happens like this:
“I was twenty-five, I was taking script courses and fell in love with my teacher. We met to discuss my work, it was extremely interesting with him. I dreamed that he would kiss me, but I myself did not dare to take the first step. For several more years we met rarely and on business - and I carefully composed all these “cases”. He never gave me any reason to think that he has anything for me other than friendly sympathy. But it took me 9 years to figure it out. I could have married long ago and have children, if not for my "immortal love". I regret that I have spent so many years of my life on this wasteland". Evdokia
No person can become more alien to you than the one whom you once loved very much in the past.
Forms of mania.
Love can cause pestilence, darkness and shame.
Manias have many different forms, for contrast, one can distinguish the complete opposite of mania - passion, its infantile version. When a husband (wife) is a completely normal man (woman) in married life turns into another child requiring care and guardianship. In the typology of sexologists, there are even names of this type for sexual partners: "man - son", "woman - daughter".
As an example of the infantile form of mania, we can cite the love story and married life of Sigmund Freud himself.
Sigmund returned home from university with textbooks under his arm, intending to sit down for cramming, and saw a stranger next to his sisters peeling an apple (almost like Eve!). Sigmund fell in love with her at first sight. "Fresh" and "cute" - that's how he saw Martha (he was 26 and 21). Sigi did not read a line that evening.
Martha Bernays was a docile dark-haired girl who lived in strictness with her widow mother, sister Minna and brother Eli. Her family belonged to Orthodox Jews.
Soon he was sending her a red rose every day. They walked together, visited beautiful places in the district.
"You have changed my life so much ... I have such stormy dreams, " he wrote in his ardent letters. Soon he secretly made her an offer and received a secret agreement.
Freud calculated that he would be able to marry Martha only after nine years. By this time he will be thirty-five and she is thirty. They began to wait, as was often the case at the time, but Freud began to think about his career. That spring, when he met with Martha, he worked in the laboratory of post demonstrator, most low-paid.
On Christmas Day, Sigmund and Martha officially announced their engagement. Mrs. Bernays was not delighted, she believed that for her daughter he was too unpromising and unprepossessing (the sprout is only 160 centimeters!). She took Martha to Hamburg, away from the Viennese groom. Several times Sigmund almost broke off the engagement due to bouts of jealousy. In the letters there was also a passion "my stormy and thirsty heart will burst", not less violent jealousy and reproaches. "Oh woe to you, princess, when I come. I will kiss you red ... And you will see who is stronger: a little sweet girl ... or a big wild man with cocaine in the flesh."
Cocaine is another story. Freud was convinced that this is a safe medicine that helps with many diseases and relieves fatigue. He took cocaine himself, gave it to his friends, his sister Rosa and even Martha. But as soon as he realized that he became addicted to cocaine, he immediately stopped taking it.
Sigmund worked eighteen hours a day. He was torn between the Vienna City Hospital, his own private office.To save money for the wedding, he did not eat dinner for several days, did not hire a cab, and spent an hour every day walking, gave up his favorite cigars. Freud even pawned a gold pocket watch, leaving the chain behind to give the impression of a successful doctor.
Four years after the engagement, thirty-year-old Freud finally put a wedding ring on her finger. "After the wedding ceremony, a habit will overcome me," Sigmund told the bride long before the wedding and he was right, the love ardor for his wife quickly passed.
He still worked hard. He preferred to spend the weekend with his mother or colleagues, vacation with his brother Alexander or sister of Marta Minna, who, abandoning her own personal life, moved to the Freuds and took care of their children. In letters to friends, Sigmund practically did not mention his wife, wrote only about his work, claiming that it was she who gave him satisfaction and happiness.
Siegmund's intimate life was meager. In the first nine years of his marriage, Martha, his first and only woman, gave birth to six children, three boys and three girls. When the youngest daughter appeared, the couple decided that this would be their last child.
If the years of Freud's engagement were full of fierce courting and jealous flattery, then in his married life active love and passion were almost absent. As with so many traditional marriages, conquest is delightful, but then the powerful source of passion dries up. There is male pride in courtship, after marriage there is no place for it, there is only one function that the wife must perform in marriages, this kind is the function of a mother. She must, of course, be devoted to her husband, take care of his material success, always obey his needs and whims, forever be a woman who no longer wants anything for herself, a woman who is waiting - that is, a mother. Freud was an ardent lover before marriage, as he had to prove his masculine qualities by conquering his chosen one. As soon as this conquest acquired the stamp of marriage, the charming beloved became a loving mother, whose care and love can be relied upon without active, passionate love.
Two years after the birth of Anna's sixth child, 41-year-old Freud wrote: "Sexual arousal is no longer needed for people like me" and soon abandons sexual relations with his wife. His scientific and intellectual interests were stronger than eros, and psychoanalytic work on sexuality became a substitute for real sex.
One of the varieties of mania is the disease "codependency" from the type of psychological trauma, alcoholism, beating, rudeness, humiliation.
The daughter of an alcoholic subconsciously chooses either an alcoholic or a person predisposed to alcoholism as her husband. There is a story about how a woman married alcoholics four times; one of them was potential, i.e. at the time of registration, he was not yet an alcoholic, but after a few years he became one. This is called a "repeating scenario".
Maria Arbatova, writer, feminist: "Sometimes when women come to me and say:" My husband beats me, and I put broken glass in his borscht! That's it, I'm at odds with him! "And I understand, they will never get divorced, it's just such a model of relationship. She without beatings - like without gingerbread, with a normal husband, such a woman will lack something. If her father beat her mother, then on subconsciously, she will always lack physical violence. "
“There is such a joke:“ If the third husband hits in the face, then it’s not in the husband, but in the face, ”roughly, but definitely”.
Oh, don't shackle your beloved.
Alisa Mon, singer: "The motive for my divorce was my husband's assault, he believed, if there were not enough arguments, the right way to beat him. Once he beat him so that he broke his leg. I loved Sergei very much."
Larisa Gribulina, composer, singer: "My husband often beat me, was repeatedly in the hospital with a concussion, after one particularly brutal beating, a kidney was beaten off. I loved my husband like a cat, but I could not continue the beatings endure, divorced. "
For a long time, a married couple: singer Valeria and her husband and producer Alexander Shulgin were an example of a creative union. Both are beautiful, charming, lucky, and now Valeria takes three children and leaves to live with her mother. In her revelations, she talks about how Alexander beat her, about other atrocities.
From the letter. "I am 22 years old, my name is Ingoy. My childhood passed in black tones. I was ill for a long time and I remember more the injections and droppers ward than home comfort and family holidays. In the family I was not loved by my older brother, who teased and beat me, and my father Stripes from the belt often turned blue on my body. Once, because I lost my mitten, my father lifted my leg and hit the wall with his head, I lost consciousness when I woke up, I was in an ambulance car, covered in blood ...
By the age of 16, I had become a beautiful girl with a beautiful face and a good figure, men looked at me, but I hated them all. Youth takes its toll and I fell in love with Vlad. Once we went to a dance, when Vlad went out to smoke, an unknown guy invited me to dance, I went. Vlad came in and saw how we danced. After this dance, Vlad and I went out into the street, I smiled at him, kissed him and said that I loved him, he stood and looked at me with eyes full of hatred. Then he hit me in the stomach, I fell, and he kicked me for a long time, while saying that I was a whore. I was in the hospital for a month.
Now I'm 22, and I'm not going to marry my husband ever. These womanizers do not interest me! Girls, women! Listen to me, I will avenge all of you, offended by these unworthy men, and I will avenge myself. I will make the men suffer from love for me. Listen, guys! You consider me beautiful and fashionable, and I consider myself pretty: height 173 cm, waist 58 cm, chest 90 cm. I am cute and I hate you all. You have caused so much harm to our fair sex. Let all the men know that there is such a girl, Inga, who hates all of you bastards.
Inga S. Penza ".
Half of all women in America have been beaten by their husbands at least once.
TV story of Muscovite Nina Guzik:
"What can be love
, because this is a drug, some kind of blindness, I'm in I was able to overcome this for myself. Is there love
? what you call love. I was able to do my business, I have my own company, there are vacancies. At my company I accept only women who have lost the so-called love, whom they betrayed. When entering my company there is one condition: if someone from my employees begin to get involved in a drug - love, I immediately exclude it from my business, with these unfortunate people I stop cooperating.
I have a thriving company, if you treat work as creativity, no love is required. I hate men, it is better to have a dog, she will never betray. You might wonder if I'm not a lesbian. "
On February 24, 00, 62-year-old Betty Lubits was executed in Texas, she had 4 children, 6 grandchildren, 3 great-grandchildren. She became a widow 5 times. The jury proved the murder of her fourth and fifth husbands, as well as the attempted murder of her second husband. There was not enough evidence to prove Betty's murders of other husbands. In her defense, Betty said that her husbands beat her severely. A striking example of codependency from beatings, when a woman subconsciously chooses a man prone to violence, only such a man can she fall in love with. They create a family, after which the husband really begins to beat his wife, what happens is what she subconsciously aspired to, although consciousness is interpreted in the opposite way.
Where there is no striving for happiness, there is no striving at all. The pursuit of happiness is the pursuit of aspirations.
Mania is not only a painful feeling that arises between a man and a woman, mania can manifest itself in other forms of psychogenic neuropsychic disorders.
From letter to newspaper. “My daughter lost her mind: abandoning her studies, she has been wandering around the country for almost two years with the same madmen. I love".
She fell in love with "Ivanushki:", and all at once and so much. Once she showed up home with goggled eyes and screamed right from the doorway that she had managed to get Olezhek's autograph. Some kind of incomprehensible squiggle with a black felt-tip pen on a cigarette box became her main jewel.
Her whole life has been centered around the touring of this group. She only visited Odessa with them 7 times. Moreover, she squeezes money for these trips out of her mother by means of heartbreaking screams. And try, do not let in a situation when your child looks at you with glass eyes and threatens to jump out of the ninth floor. And by the way in which it is said, you understand that she is not joking. A. Samarin, Moscow ".
A person needs happiness, he has a right to it, he must achieve it, no matter what.
Hysterical girls reach such extremes, - comments child psychologist Tatiana Tikhomirova. - They are demonstrative in everything - they live under the slogan "In peace and death is red": in childhood they often get sick (or pretend to be sick) - to be pitied, at school they study with all their might - to be praised by the teachers, or vice versa, they are rude to teachers - to get the approval of classmates .: In a transitional age, when congenital or acquired hysteria is complemented by hormonal surges, girls really go to extremes: they quarrel with their parents, leave home.: Alternatively, they turn into crazy fans.
Another type of female fan. A correct girl, quiet, clever and excellent pupil, the pride of mom, dad, grandmothers, grandfathers, an example to follow for all the neighbour's children and a C grade brother, suddenly turns into a crazy fan. The idol of the twelve-year-old girl was Philip Kirkorov, who himself is a fan of the same type, his star wife.
It is the excellent pupils and the quiet ones who start to go crazy because of the unattainable star. Actually, they become excellent pupils not out of love for school, but "so that their parents do not have to blush." Often they have problems communicating with their peers: the level of intelligence is simply not the same. With classmates it is boring, with high school students it is scary, parents are too strict - which means that you need to direct your unspent feelings to a god-like, unattainable object.
When Elvis Presley was drafted into the army at the height of his fame, he received 15,000 letters every day from his female fans.
The right to happiness is the most inalienable human right.
L. Vaikule: "I feel sorry for my fans, they live not their own, but my life. My joys for them are much more important than their own, after all, these are unhappy people."
A huge variety of manias. Here is what a senior researcher of the department of outpatient psychiatry of the Petersburg Psychoneurological Research Institute named after Bekhterev, Ph.D. Viktor Zaitsev: “Among my patients there were embezzlers of state funds and gamblers whom their irrepressible passion brought to the dock. Anyone who is in captivity of gambling passion is no less focused on committing offenses than a drug addict suffering from a lack of a“ dose ”. Gambling addiction is not a problem. less acute than painful human vices alcoholism, drug addiction, substance abuse: "
From letter to newspaper. “It happened when they first appeared in our city. I was still a little kid, but even then I promised myself that I would work at Ikarus. I grew up, studied at a technical school. home, and go to work. Finally my dream came true - I became a driver "Ikarus 280" (accordion) on the city route. For five years of work I did not have a day that I did not want to go to work. , I spend all my free time with my "Ikarus". Unless I sleep in it. I made a "candy" out of it, studied "inside and out", because I had to repair everything myself. I can work seven days a week. I don’t go on vacation for the third year. I’m already 27, and I’m single. No, the girls are running after me, but I’m probably a monogamous person. I only love him, my "Ikarus". girl, she notices it and says: “Choose: either me or the bus.” Well, of course, I choose him. I think I I will never marry, although I have an easy character. And recently I took a ride in an "Ikarus 256" (Tourist) at the wheel and now I dream of working on such a bus.
Sergey A., Aktyubinsk ".
They say bad school is bad; may be. But happiness is the best university. It completes the education of a soul capable of good and beautiful.
In the collection of Vladimir Deryabkin from St. Petersburg, more than 200 gramophones. To the correspondent's question: "By what principle do you collect gramophones?" Vladimir replied: "Yes, for no reason, as soon as I see someone's gramophone - that's all, I can't think about anything else, I sleep badly until I have the gramophone. Both friends and relatives say that I went nuts on my own. gramophones, and I myself understand that I’ve gone nuts, but I don’t know when. very expensive".
Nobody knows how to live like we can not.
B. Krutier, Moscow
To love deeply means to forget about yourself.
Yes, but after all jealousy fits
The disease is as sure as the plague,
Like a black spleen, like a fever,
Like damage to the mind
The viciousness of our culture of feelings is not only that there is no objective qualification of the feeling of "too much love", but that it is recognized as the highest feeling from God and is sung, not only in every song, film, but worst of all by outstanding poets and writers.
Suffering for the sake of love and obsession with a loved one is not only not opposed to love, but rather romanticized in our culture. In popular songs and operas, in classical literature and romances in daily soap operas and in critically acclaimed films, there are countless examples of irresponsible, immature relationships that are somehow glorified and considered beautiful. Over and over again cultural stereotypes suggest that the depth of love should be measured by the suffering that love inflicts, and that only those who experience true suffering truly love. When a singer moans pitifully that he cannot stop loving, although this causes him tremendous pain, then, as a result of the simple persuasive force of repeated repetition of the same attitude, it is interiorized (implanted) into the personality system, most young people agree that it should be so. The statements of the young confirm that suffering is an integral part of love, and that the willingness to suffer for the sake of love is more a positive than a negative quality.
Suffering is a disgrace to the world and one must hate it in order to destroy it. "Gorky said so, and I fully share his opinion.
M. Zoshchenko" Story about reason "
And if everything is smooth and smooth in a relationship, some spouses are even ready to organize a test of their love so that they have suffering, like in a movie, like everyone else.
Emotional interactions in healthy relationships are perceived as "insipid", boring and, because of this, remain outside the scope of attention of cinema, literature and pop genre. If people become infected with an unhealthy lifestyle, then this is because this style is shown everywhere and practically nothing else.
As in any legend, the legend of love has its own moral, which can be formulated as follows: an indiscriminate attitude to a difficult phenomenon of love is the product of ignorance and fantasy, which leads to terrible confusion, problems and tragedies.
The confusion lies in the fact that the painful feeling of mania, which is similar in the plot, is considered to be an absolutely positive feeling of love. Moreover, the destructive feeling of mania by the end of the XIX century. people began to put "true love" on a pedestal.
Very often - and not only in everyday usage - sadomasochism is confused with love. Especially often masochistic phenomena are taken for manifestations of love. Complete self-denial for the sake of another person, refusal in his favor of his own rights and needs - all this is presented as an example of "great love"; it is believed that there is no better proof for love than sacrifice and willingness to give up oneself for the sake of a loved one. In fact, "love" in these cases is a masochistic attachment and is rooted in the need for symbiosis.
As a result, this bad feeling has become the cause of another disaster that has affected millions of people. It's called "high expectation". The famous sociologist I.V. Bestuzhev-Lada: "Just think how many future beautiful married couples did not take place, how many people remained unhappy for life only because she read books, novels about" unearthly love "and is convinced that it is possible to get married in the event that when he sails on a yacht with scarlet sails: "
Physician, psychotherapist, sexologist Ph.D. n. Professor Alexander Moiseevich Poleev:
"There is such a concept of" Russian love ", this is when for a long time a woman experiences a strong love feeling for a man who does not reciprocate, does not respond to this feeling. Such love is called overselective or overselective, this is neurotic love or a neurotic disorder, the destiny of only women. 20% of Muscovites do not marry, and half of them do not marry precisely because of "Russian love."
When the stage of platonic love stretches over many months, and sometimes years, a person gets used to dealing not with a real partner, but with his ghost, a phantom. So the object of love is drawn as an unattainable ideal, fear arises in front of it, blocking the normal expression of the corresponding emotions. Sexual fantasizing develops, at the same time, as the French scientist Claude said, "sexual impracticality" is formed. A meeting with a real physical body is nervous, painful, and in some cases even hostile, and of course there can be no normal, harmonious sex in such a situation.
In addition to the passive form of "overselective love", there is an active form called "Adelie Syndrome". The syndrome got its name because of the real story that happened to the daughter of Victor Hugo, Adele. Adele met the English officer Albert Pinson, fell in love at first sight and immediately decided that he was the man of her life. However, Pinson did not reciprocate - neither the rare beauty of the girl, nor the glory of her father helped. Adele pursued him all over the world, lied to everyone that they were already married. This story, like most addictions with a bad ending.
Psychoanalysis helped to understand and reveal the morbid nature of love mania. It can be compared to the procedure for the birth of a cuckoo: first, the cuckoo lays its egg on another bird, and as soon as the cuckoo hatches, the first thing it does is to push the native bird eggs or chicks that have already hatched out of the nest. And this cuckoo grows and outgrows its foster mother in size, mercilessly exploiting her with the demands of a large amount of food. So mania, growing and paralyzing the entire mental life of a lover, demanding specific nutrition, and not receiving it, leads to a somatic illness, another disorder. And the reason is children's psychotraumas, which lead to psychological disharmony in an adult. You can expect emotional shifts that can lead to harmony, but you can already today with the help of psychoanalysis and psychotechnics eliminate disharmony, thereby achieving a full meaningful life.
In the scientific literature, a unified terminology has not yet been fixed for qualifying about the amorous, painful feeling of mania. So Robin Norwood for this uses the concepts of "too strong love" (unhealthy relationship), psychotherapist Stenon Peel - "addicted relationship". In domestic psychotherapy, the concepts are used: "nervous shock", "overselective love", "obsessive love", "love syndrome", "love in Russian", in Freud's psychoanalytic dictionary there is the concept of "infantile neurosis". Each of these names is correct and reflects a specific feature of the painful condition or the reason for its origin.
Modern science, of course, will determine the terminology, but the main result of the second millennium is that the poor-quality feeling of mania, which for a long time was considered one of the types of love, is a disease. Now there is a lot of work to be done - to sincerely acknowledge everything that was previously exalted, glorified as "great" or "true love" is in fact a "bad feeling", in the most severe cases a disease.
And what Konstantin Balmont describes with such delight is a disease that the patient himself cannot cope with.
"In that is the greatness and mystery, and the delight of Love, that life and death become equal for the one who loves. Own life and someone else's. That is the power and horror of Love. Before it all voices are silent, except for the voice imperious desire, which blinds the eyes with its excessive light, changes souls, changes people, changes objects - and precious objects become nothing, and nothing becomes a boundless kingdom, and people become gods and beasts, enter the inhuman world, and souls beat, go mad:
... Love is terrible, merciless, monstrous. Love is tender, Love is airy, Love is inexpressible and inexplicable, and in order not to talk about Love, you cannot enclose it in words, just as you cannot tell music and draw the Sun. But only one thing is true: the mystery of Love is greater than the mystery of death, because the heart wants to live and die for the sake of Love, but does not want to live without Love.
Love sometimes leads to madness. Sometimes? Maybe always? Oh, of course always, but only sometimes this madness drowns in colors and words captured by lyricism. "
So Nikolai Berdyaev compares love with death, but love is an absolutely positive feeling.
"Horror surrounds love in the history of the world. This horror is twofold: the horror of the world's attitude to love, the torture it undergoes from society: and the horror that it brings into the world, its inner horror. The social horror of love, associated with the despotism of the hierarchical organization of society, can be, if not completely overcome, then reduced to a minimum. But the metaphysical horror of love in this world is insurmountable. There is something deadly in love: ".
About a feeling of love, mania is a source of feeling, which is in secret aspirations, unconscious desires, in hidden complexes, in infantilism of feelings, in our unpreparedness, and therefore it is not only possible, but also necessary to get rid of mania by civilized methods.
In a survey conducted by a student magazine, more than half of the students wished for richness of feelings, drama, passionate love.
The other side of drama and passionate love.
In an experiment conducted under the guidance of Professor of the University of Acadia, Dr. Lachlan McWilliams, took part 5645 representatives of the fairer sex aged 18 to 60 years. It turned out that Miss and Mrs, who felt uncertain about the future of their relationship with a partner or felt discomfort while spending time together, were significantly more susceptible to various kinds of chronic diseases, such as, for example, arthritis, headaches, seasonal allergies.
According to Dr. McWilliams, those women in whose life there is so-called restless attachment are more likely to suffer from these disorders, as well as asthma, high blood pressure, chronic lung diseases, high blood sugar or diabetes, stomach ulcers , disorders of the functioning of the cardiovascular system, epilepsy, seizures and cancer.
<<< part3 - - - End
E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"
Letters to the Club
Other examples of substandard love mania, she is love mania, "too strong love" (unhealthy relationships), "addicted relationships", "over-selective love", "obsessive love", "love syndrome", "infantile neurosis", addiction. Each of these names is correct and reflects a specific feature of the painful condition or the reason for its origin.
Good time of the day, dear psychologist! This is my story. She got married at 22. I knew my husband 3 months before the wedding. After 3 years, they dispersed because of his jealousy, and after another 2 years they divorced. Six months after the divorce, I met a young man. The head went round and the earth swam from under my feet)). He is three years younger than me. Educated, smart. It was interesting with him. But here he is: at first not very much, then he burned with desire. Rather, it was a desire to be with me, but without plans for the future. There was a pregnancy: But uncertainty in the relationship and fear again (I already had a child at that time) did not allow me to remain alone to keep what I wanted !!! baby.
And from that moment an insult arose in my soul, which sharpened my soul for a long time. Although theoretically I justified it, it was too early to decide something seriously. And my desire to be near him, to hear, to feel was simply indescribable dimensions! I agreed to any conditions. I just prayed for him. A year later, my parents helped me buy an apartment, and we began to live together. I waited in the evenings, I was almost happy. Why almost? I was very bothered by his unwillingness to somehow make up his mind. I was almost 30 at that time and I wanted a family and a second child. But I'm not getting younger))! And this expectation of his decision was very toxic to life, irritation appeared, and after it, quarrels. And a vicious circle was formed. I cannot relax from the uncertainty of the future - he, because "this" does not want me. And in such a nightmare, naturally with interruptions for short-term moments of joy, we lived for almost 4 years. And two weeks ago he left .. He left because I pointed to the door. She pointed out from despair, from powerlessness to change anything: She pointed out, hoping that this would somehow shake him up. But he just left: He called in the evening and said that I "was his beloved", so he did not leave for so long, but hoped that everything would change: but now he decided and he would never return to me. We both waited for something to change for the better: And I feel bad: bad without him: Someone will say: a habit: But I know that this is not so: Now I know that I do not need anyone except him.
He cut off all communication and it's hard: It excludes any possibility of correcting something. Help: help with what you can: in a word: with advice: Perhaps I did not fully disclose the whole picture. Ask questions, I will answer. It's hard for me, bad. Sincerely, Elena.
Dear Eugene! We need, like everyone else, your help. I have the following situation: I have been close with a married man for a long time. Several years ago we parted, on his initiative, but I can't get over myself and often call him. I cannot say that I love with certainty, but I have a dependence on him.
Overall, I am a very successful and confident girl, but when it comes to
men, I can only imagine myself with him. My whole personal life is mental conversations with him.
Now I again have an influx of people when I intolerably want to call him and talk for hours. What is it: a hurt ego, stubbornness (no one needs it) or a mania to be humiliated? Please advise what to do, I tried to occupy myself with other men. I tried to leave for another city and even the state, it turns out, but only temporarily. I can tell many episodes from my life, but they are all repetitions of the same thing, everything is around him. And all without hopes, it's hard.
Thank you, regards, Alla
Hello. I'll tell my story in order. I am a prominent guy and I have never had problems with girls. Met - parted easily, and not really thinking. When I broke up with her, I felt a distinct desire to restore the relationship. Restored, but soon parted on her initiative. I didn’t mind, but I was drawn to her again, I was very surprised because it was something new. With the restoration of relations, problems arose, for half a year of my efforts, efforts, stresses did not lead to the desired result.
Gave slack, she realized that she could do what she liked, but I would still be there. And you know what I understood? That these relations did not have a future in principle. There were just two options for how to finish them - either to leave with my head held high, making it clear that I don’t fucking test me in the way she did it, or, as it happened to me, I can’t get down to the very bottom. I am so sorry that I began to snot at that time. I will never forget how she whinnied in my face and said in what positions and with whom she was fucking all this time, but I did not know what to do and not to cut like, and could not leave, the person was replaced.
It seems to me that it is precisely because of such a gap that I cannot forget her and start living in a new way. I don't quite understand the meaning of such life lessons. And I am still drawn to her. How to make this connection end? I tried to communicate with other women, then I almost cry all day, because I understand how deeply I am in trouble, and that in general I can not feel anything for any one. It seems to me that my ex will be looming before my eyes all her life.
Interestingly, before her, I did not feel so lonely, how to return to the previous state of normal attitude to life, and not through the prism of the shit that I went through?
At the level of reason, I understand that the past cannot be returned, that we must live on. But I can't find the answer - why continue to live, if, despite all my efforts, over these 3 plus years NOTHING has changed mentally. I am a strong, tough guy in appearance, but inside, like a child who now hates and is afraid of everyone in a row. I also don’t want to build relationships because I’m afraid that I will take revenge unconsciously. I want to die. Around people somehow manage to find THIS replacement.
I want to be happy not with the help of some girl who will replace her, but to find peace of mind and strength to live. To meet a worthy girl who will not become a patch on a torn heart, but the love of my life. I can't figure out - should I even go to contact with women? After all, I have a physical attraction, masturbation is not for me.
After her, from the very beginning of communication with the girl, I have a position of guilty as if I know in advance that we will not have a future. They fall in love with me, and I am neither alive nor dead. I try to have quick sex with a new girl, without tenderness and soul, so that she does not have time to get involved, and goodbye. And so without counting, and indiscriminately. On the one hand, it's funny, but on the other, it's some kind of unreality, an insurmountable wall. Is there a way out?
Hello! My wife and I are 34 years old, married for 15 years, we have a 13-year-old son. The wife grew up without parents, studied at a boarding school, then her older sister took her in. I felt pity for her all the time. We lived six months before the wedding, I fell in love with her, they were planning a wedding, and just before the wedding, one of my friends whom I trusted as a warning told me about my bride that she slept with a classmate and even named the place where it happened. She did not lie and told everything that it really was. I was in complete shock, wild jealousy woke up.
Nevertheless, the wedding took place, there were also persuasions from the parents that she was mistaken, that the preparation was already in full swing, and my pity for her still played a role. After the wedding, we had a son, a wonderful baby, I was happy, and then at the age of 20 they took me into the army. After the army, we lived like everyone else, I went to serve in the police, where I rose from sergeant to captain, and my wife worked in trade. They did not live very richly, never fought, carried the earned money to the house, to the family. Of course, there were small scandals in the family, mainly due to jealousy, somehow my wife cheated on me with my colleague, she then said that I spend little time on her .. (I really didn't have much) I made a scandal, broke the TV remote control but then he pulled himself together, still loved her. Then there were dirty rumors about my wife in the unit where I worked. Faced with a choice: divorce or quit. The family turned out to be more expensive, I quit. Found a new job, tried to live in a new way.
Soon 2 years ago, my wife suggested that since I was cheating on you, then you cheated on me too, I left this conversation, she insisted, said that this was all normal and we would be in the calculation, without cheating on her, I said that I had changed ... and then it began. She began to cheat on me left and right, I endured, found satisfaction in my work. I understood that I had to save my family at least because of my son, but I thought about her that he would go crazy and return to normal life. And something was already melting inside. Once she went to a meeting of graduates in one of the districts of the region, did not spend the night. The next morning I found out that she was with that classmate. Also a shock. In general, the relationship has cracked. In April, I accidentally saw her correspondence on the phone with a certain man. The correspondence was quite intimate, the initiator of the meetings was my wife. As it turned out, they had been dating for a year and she loved him. Then there was a scandal with her broken laptop. I was ready to just throw her out of the house, but she managed to persuade me, apologized and swore, knelt down and I believed her. Moreover, this pity for her. A week later, she asked that little man, she was ready to leave her son and me, then she seemed to understand that he did not need him and again asked for forgiveness. I was on my knees. I'm already tired with her, but I understand that I love her and I can't kick her out, and my son is also mine (and in our courts, in most cases, the child and his mother are left behind). We agreed to start all over again, to forget the grievances, I asked her to quit her job (she met him there, and during a telephone conversation with him he said that he would not give up "attempts to take possession of her anally") She refused to leave work, instead she saved up money and left on the advice of her middle sister in Urengoy. She left on a quiet, taking her son.
In a couple of days I had a heart attack, suffered on my legs, turned gray in one day, became all the former. Her sister is a woman of easy virtue, she gave her advice on how to live, though I learned about this later. And again my bad love
and pity for her, and the son was with her. I quit my job, sold all my property and left for it, intending to live and work there. But now I find it difficult to believe her, I love her and do not believe her.
And I don’t know what to do next. I have lost everything that I had, now I am a completely different person, I have become disabled and have become completely old. You don't want to live, and there is no one for whom you can live, even though she is nearby, time will pass and that again deception on her part? I don't see a way out, can you tell me what? Fedor
I have a problem in my personal life. She has been married for 12 years. There is a son of 10 years old. She did not love her husband, she did not marry for love either.
Two years ago I met a new colleague at work and ... fell in love with him. Sergey is 11 years older than me, divorced. Realizing that I love him, he began to show me attention. They began to meet secretly, and, oddly enough, these meetings were the only joy in my life for me. He treated me very well. He was always gentle and affectionate. And I ... I just doted on him ...
But with all this, he always reproached himself for "stealing" someone else's happiness. This guilt haunted him. As a result, he left for another city so as not to destroy my family. Naturally, he did not invite me with him.
I was lost. She was desperate.
4 months after his departure, she divorced her husband - she could no longer continue the falsity, and at that time he already had a relationship with another woman - she was expecting a child.
After the divorce, there was an attempt to commit suicide. It’s unfortunate.
Sergei did not communicate after leaving for 4 months. After he found out that I was divorced, he called me himself. Now, for half a year now, we meet occasionally. I still love him madly ... And he. He seems to be just out of pity talking to me, calling, etc. I do not see in his eyes that sincere light that was in the beginning. Although our meetings are always held with warmth and tenderness. He constantly says that we cannot have anything, that he is old, that he cannot change anything in his life, so that I can forget and forgive him. I do not want. I can not.
A couple of weeks ago, after his next such statements, I decided to write him a frank letter (I did not dare to say) that I was stopping communication with him, that without me it would be easier for him, since he did not want this. The reaction was as follows: he wrote that it was much easier for him with me, began to call me affectionately, call me 5 times a day ... And that's it. Nothing more about feelings. I'm confused. I don't understand how he treats me ??? Why does he say one thing and do something completely different ??? If he doesn't need me, then why is he calling ?? Why is he asking me for advice ?? Why is he talking to me at all ???
Help me figure it out. I don't want to lose him. I've been waiting for him for two years. But he's not going to be with me. I love him more than life, but I don't know what to hope for
Hello. Now I know that I am a codependent person, that I have low self-esteem, etc. etc., and now in more detail.
I left the VKontakte site because of 1 girl with whom we talked on an Internet, I was going to come to her and, like, create love and so on, but then it turned out that nothing happened. I gave the back, she was upset and doubted me.
Now this is in the past, I tried to get her back, it didn’t work, and I decided to leave the contact so as not to see her at all. Even practicing regularly boxing, getting in the head, it does not save me from thinking about it, I forget it for a while.
I accidentally got into this contact, a friend forgot to close the page, there was an old page of him, where I saw it. And it was as if something stung me, madly angry and became jealous, because we do not communicate with her and because, apparently, there is someone else, and I regretted 500 times that I met this girl, I I want to break someone's skull out of anger.
Why did this happen to me.
Everything was fine, I left, did not see her, and then I saw, now there is a new struggle with the second self, the weak self, with the sheep inside me, which I hate.
What should I do, they tell me the reason, I know my reason, I do not know the way to solve this reason. I hate this girl madly, and at the same time, I don't give a damn about her, what's the matter. And a thousand times I cursed the day on which we met her, and again I will never step on the old rake. I need help.
Hello dear Club.
4 years ago I got a job. Before that there was a divorce, and I said to myself, no more men and no love, just money and work.
But I saw him there ... He always sits at the entrance, when you go to work, he is an administrator. At first I was indifferent to him, but for six months I was in a hurry to see his eyes ... And he always stared intently ...
We just say hello ... I heard that he is married, and I try to avoid him so as not to hurt that woman ... as it was with me ... Although it's not a fact that he needs me ..., but I just in case, and suddenly thinks ..., I try not to give a reason ...
But when I don't see it, I miss it. I want to see his eyes and hear his voice. After the vacation, I decided to quit so that I would never see him. I listened to how he communicated, I thought, maybe he is bad as a person, and I will cool down immediately to him. But he is very attentive, gallant, I pass by, gives me a pass, always and tenderly greets ... (envelopes with his gentle and careful timbre of his voice), I feel him ...
More and more I can’t just see him, I want to love him, take care of him, kiss, learn everything about him, what he thinks, what and how ................. .................................................. ...... he eats as he sleeps ... And although I still understand, if I needed it, I would have approached a long time ago ...
But sometimes it seems to me that he senses my signals so that he does not fit - after all, he is not free ...
Maybe there is a way to cool my feelings for me, but I definitely decided never to see him again. And I do not understand myself, how, why I am drawn to a person with whom we do not even communicate - just some kind of nonsense ...
But my heart is out of place ... I see him everywhere, I hear his name everywhere ... Just some kind of horror, never happened, such an addiction and passion for the first time ...
What is this? And how to get rid of it. (It is worth seeing him, and I cannot talk, I do not like this state, I feel for the first time stupid and fearful, like a small animal).
Help with advice, explain my situation.
I rarely fall in love this is the second time, I am 34 years old, I am unlucky in love for the second time.
Good evening everyone at the Club. I am desperately asking for advice on what to do! I've never been so confused! Something strange is going on with my young man, he can talk, but rarely that he loves, he can joke to come to me and then pick up and completely ignore not pick up the phone talking I will call back and not call back, I can’t find the strength in myself! He does not like to discuss serious topics! He generally gets angry when I try to talk to him seriously or translate everything into jokes (he has a very good sense of humor).
We met before, but we parted for 6 years, he never left my head for a day. I even got married and gave birth to children, but I could not forget him, but this year we met again, everything started with renewed vigor, he admitted that he loves again, that it is good with me, that I am the only joy in his life! I love him very much, but I no longer have the strength to pull the relationship alone. I am not one of those who throw tantrums at men, I have always supported him in everything! I'm afraid to turn into a zombie again and live only by what is necessary. After all, during these 4 months I began to smile again and live, breathe it. Now I understand that I am a monogamous man around a lot, who are ready for anything, and I need him a bad, fickle, harmful and capricious but painfully dear.
Hello Dear Club!
I read your articles, my problem is not uncommon. I am married, I love, I have a child, but I cannot forget my ex.
He is my first man. It all started very brightly, developed rapidly, rapidly, met very few, about 3 months, lived in different cities, but saw each other often. Then he changed. I could not forgive and broke off all relations (I chickened out and did it over the phone - which I really regret), the separation was very painful for me, I did not come to my senses for a long time. There was some kind of understatement. He loved very much, I loved even more. WHY CHANGE? I constantly ask myself the question, "What if you hadn't parted?"
10 years have passed, I'm married, a child, like a happy family. BUT ...... I constantly return to the past, all my thoughts and experiences are there. Recently I saw him in my classmates, wrote (my heart was pounding like mad), he answered. He said that all these years he thought about me and did not stop loving. And away we go. My brain is blowing. I love my husband, but I CANNOT stop thinking about my ex. Some kind of mania.
HOW TO HANDLE THIS ???
There can be no question of a relationship with him, but all my thoughts and desires are directed in his direction. I try to remember only the bad things about him, I remember how bad it was for me afterwards, and all the same I am drawn to him. Although, as then, now he does nothing to bring me back.
HELP HOW to deal with this? How can I forget? Or maybe it's better not to forget, but to meet and talk ?????
On the impact of such neurotic loves and relationships on health in the book by Kurt Tepervine "Psychosomatics, relationships and health." The book is in our
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