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Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E Pushkarev

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Love is not a fleeting phenomenon in a person's life, referring only to the premarital period, as the vulgar think. This is a feeling that lives and grows stronger throughout the life of the spouses.
N. G. Chernyshevsky

It happens that love will pass by itself,
Not touching the heart, not the mind.
It’s not love, but youth’s fun,
She comes to live forever,
Until a man perishes in the earth.

Culture of longevity of love.

There are many patterns and stereotypes around love that confuse and complicate its perception more, some of them were described in the previous chapter, others will be discussed in this one.
In the "Moscow Psychological Journal" I acted as an opponent of psychologist Dmitry Ustinov, who in his article "Wheels of Love or Where Do Feelings Go?" shared his hypothesis that love, like other meaningful relationships, goes through five main stages of development.
1. Birth.
2. Development.
3. Climax.
4. Destruction.
5. Death.

Dmitry is not alone in his statement.

... Love is fleeting ... Love is only an instrument of nature, forcing us to bring our own kind into this world ...
N. Machiavelli

Yes, there is a sad delight
That love will pass like snow.
A. Block;

Love is a dream
And a dream is one instant.
F. Tyutchev;

Love, hope, quiet glory
The deception did not comfort us for long.
A. Pushkin;

The younger days will soon change,
Love will change us soon!
E. Baratynsky.

A cork of champagne, flying up with a noise and just as instantly falling, is a picture of love.
K. Prutkov

So the modern stage from time to time supports this assumption.

After all, love is like a cigarette,
Once, she was and is not there,
And love is such a thing,
Two, and turned into boredom,
Well, why is there yesterday's supper again with a cold cold,
And the further, only the worse,
Three, I don't need you anymore.
Gr. Republic.

Author of several books about love (they are in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...") B. Ryurikov also points to the dynamic aspect of this emotional relationship: "... love has three stages: growth, stability and extinction," and the researcher speaks of the gradualness of changes occurring to a person under the influence of this feeling.

True love is perceived as the only and eternal - continuing forever, binding forever and leading to blissful eternity. And someone who has never experienced it probably knows a little about love.
I.A. Ilyin

The Swedish writer Hjalmar Söderberg wrote in his novel Doctor Glass: “Why is love like demonic gold, which the next day turns into withered foliage or dirt? After all, out of the thirst for love has grown entirely that branch of our culture that has no direct relation to satisfying hunger and defending against the enemy. Our sense of beauty knows no other source. All art, all poetry, all music drew and draws from it. The most miserable fashionable daub, as well as the Madonna of Raphael, everything that has as its purpose to dress up and decorate, everything has its origin from the same place.
But the name of the eternal source is not love, its name is: a dream of love.

Soderberg is not just talking about the transience of love, he is already giving a hint about the confusion of love and dreaming about it. And since a person does not have an innate gift to distinguish love from a variety of pseudo-love feelings and disorders, under the influence of a dream, he willingly takes them for love.

Gennady Khazanov and Zlata Elbaum have been married for over 40 years, have raised their daughter Alisa, and now they help raise their grandchildren.
Gennady: “We are both leaders, independent individuals. Zlata helped me not to turn off the creative path. She helped me develop as an artist, and not become a highly paid artisan, many talented artists were retrained as artisans. Zlata and I were created for each other, we blossomed next to each other, fully revealed our potentials. We are together, but we also have a fulfilling, rich individual life. Distance means nothing to us, we have a connection with Zlata at the level of souls, and this is stronger than a connection at the level of bodies".

Revealing each other is a long and, believe me, an exciting process that can last for years and decades. Of course, everything has its time. And there comes a moment when mutual penetration, tenderness, affection turn out to be “stronger than passion” and “more than love,” as Vadim Kozin sang. But certainly not less than love and passion.
Doctor of Arts, Professor M. Shvydkoy

René Descartes said: "Define the meanings of words, and you will save humanity from half of its delusions." For our situation, this statement is 200% true because if we decide on the meanings of the word "love", we will completely solve the problem not only with its content, but also how to achieve it through a conscious choice.

If you eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

What is love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

The concept of "love". E. Pushkarev

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

Moreover, now there is already a sufficient number of instrumental and test methods to distinguish all states located on the amorous - erotic field. And on it there is a large number of feelings only outwardly similar, but essentially different, sometimes opposite, even hostile to each other.
Love and mania (aka "too strong love", "addictive love", "over-selective love" , "obsessive love", etc.), the first is exceptional good, the second is mental illness that is not always conscious, and there are still various falling in love and others. Therefore, to give a single definition of love, to give its characteristics, without specifying what kind of love feeling we are talking about, this will only confuse the situation even more. No one is trying to give a unified definition of rain and a river, although there and there moving water, or diamond and graphite, although both are carbon, and in love, it will be correct to clarify what exactly it is about.
There is an open-hearth furnace fire, there is a firework fire, there is hardly a need to say that the first is better than the second, you need both, but for different situations and purposes. Also, love and being in love, both are good only for their continuation and adequate attitude towards them. If this love is the best continuation of creating a family, if this is falling in love rejoice while it is there and part without pretensions, when it passes.
In addition to the fire of the open-hearth furnace and fireworks, there is also the fire of war, and this is already a tragedy and disaster. And on the love field there are dramatic and tragic pseudo love, painful feelings, mania, etc., from which the sooner you get rid of, the better.

It is revealed that J. Bataille, J.-P. Sartre, J. Baudrillard consider love as an unstable state, that is, in their concepts, love is replaced by passion.
... Consideration of love in the categories of passion, eroticism, temptation allows us to formulate a synthesis of the phenomena of play and love in modern culture, which indicates the playful nature of this culture.
Doctor of Philosophy O.I. Nikolina

Therefore, Dmitry Ustinov's hypothesis refers not to the phenomenon of "love", but to the phenomenon of the "playful character" of our culture, which changes from era to era exactly the opposite, and true love is the same at all times.

One of the signs of true love is "insatiability" that it does not pass.

The lover cannot be satisfied with the possession of the beloved.

True love knows no satiety. Always being spiritual, it cannot cool down.
V. Hugo

The famous French chemist Eugene Marcelien Berthelot (1827-1907), who was called the king of organic synthesis by his contemporaries, loved his wife so much that he did not part with her even in his chemical laboratory. A special glass corner was made for Madame Berthelot, where she read, knitted, embroidered while her husband synthesized fats, phenol, formic acid and much more. At any time, he could not only see his wife, but also walk up to her to talk, hold her hand, and this was a source of strength for him for new scientific feats. The day of his wife's death was the last in the life of Berthelot himself. Therefore, the saying: "They lived a long time and happily and died in the same day," was born not from a simple fantasy, but from an uncommon but everyday reality. The spouses were buried in Notre Dame Cathedral in the same grave, paying tribute not only to scientific feat, but also to the feat of human relations.

Existence love is unsaturated, you can enjoy it endlessly, usually it increases, and does not wane. She is an end, not a means.
A. Maslow

Deficient love and love of life A. Maslow. R.Frager, D.Fademan

It happened in September 2007 with Andre Gorets and his wife, who was dying of a progressive disease. “You have just turned eighty-two years old,” he wrote in a book dedicated to his wife, “your height has decreased by six centimeters, you weigh only forty-five kilograms, but you are beautiful, graceful, desirable as before. We've been together for fifty-eight years, and I love you more than ever. Recently I fell in love with you again, life is bubbling in me again, overflowing, and only your body, tightly pressed to mine, can quench my thirst ”.
Before them, there were other couples who made the decision to die at the same time, for example, former socialist senator Roger Quillau and his wife in 1998. Preparing their departure, like conspirators, they found gaiety and calm before lowering the curtain (to her misfortune, Claire Kiyo did not die after taking the pills: she had to comprehend the terrible science of loneliness). Why should we let nature take away the only person we need when we can take the last trip together?
P. Brueckner "The wonderful madness of conjugal love."

When the other goes to the grave,
Then one of us will understand
Love the ruthless force -
In that terrible hour, the last hour!
D. Merezhkovsky

But the philosopher and poet V.S. Soloviev went even further in the poem "How People Live":
People are alive with that love,
That one pulls to another,
That triumphs over death
And It Won't Stop In Hell.

Continuing Stendhal, V. Hugo and others, but the lover is saturated with the beloved always and quickly enough because the lover is experiencing love, and a lover is a completely different state - being in love, which has nothing to do with love.

Various feelings of love and being in love.

To clarify what content of love we are talking about, I will once again cite its definition given by the most famous researcher of love of the twentieth century, Erich Fromm (whose classic work "The Art of Love" in 1956 undoubtedly influenced subsequent studies of this topic): "Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It involves caring, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop. It is a manifestation of closeness between two human beings, provided that the integrity of each of them is maintained." ...

Love is strong as death;
Solomon. Song of Songs

More beautiful, Philip, your wrinkles,
Than the blossoming freshness of girlish faces.
And more strongly they awaken desire in me,
Attracting hands to yourself,
Hanging apples Perseus,
Breasts are not like young virgins.
For sweeter than another spring,
Your Autumn Is Still Yours.
Winter time is yours
The summer is much warmer for me.
Antique poet Pavel Silentsiarius "To an aging friend"

In the future, the topic of the psychology of love was developed in socionics, its features have been supplemented, detailed and expanded.
You can hear arguments of both young and mature people: should loving spouses take a break from each other for a while. Some argue that it is better to spend a vacation separately, vacation is a time of rest not only from work, but also from the family, others advocate not to tempt fate and it is better to be together on vacation. Here are a number of examples that love is a blessing, and rest is not required from a blessing.

Ballet stars Vladimir Vasiliev about his wife Ekaterina Maximova: "Katya and I have known each other since childhood, since 1949. Can you imagine how much it is? That means 55 years together. At home, and at work, day and night. Even on business trips." After all, we have always danced the leading parts in ballets in pairs. And we always went on vacation together. We never understood how a husband and wife could have a rest separately".

Former Guards officer Decembrist Mikhail Küchelbecker (brother of Wilhelm Küchelbecker, poet, Pushkin's classmate at the Tsarskoye Selo Lyceum) in exile married a worker of the Baikal fishery, a beautiful half-Russian - half-buryat Anna Tokareva. When they got married, they healed happily. After the first-born son, a daughter was born, then the second. But an unpleasant event happened: a decree came to dissolve the marriage on the occasion that earlier Mikhail Karlovich had baptized Anna's child, that is, "was in a spiritual relationship" with his current wife.
Loving spouses have been torn apart. Mikhail was sent to a new exile - five hundred miles from his family. In despair, unable to withstand the anguish of parting, the exile writes a petition: "If I am separated from my wife and children, then I ask you to enroll me as a soldier and send me under the first bullet, for life is not my life." There was no response to the petition. But Mikhail did not lose heart and did not despair, and continued to make attempts to organize a meeting with his family. A second, then a third petition is sent. In the end, he was returned, but their marriage was considered illegal. However, this circumstance did not prevent loving spouses from enjoying family happiness to a ripe old age.

... 3/4 of human happiness is in the family.
Fyodor Dostoevsky

F.М. Dostoevsky A.G. Snitkin

There is also an opinion that true love happens only at first sight.
Not only the first glance, but the entire first meeting made an unpleasant impression on Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky and Anya Snitkina, if it were not for the agreement and the undertaken obligations, they would have parted with pleasure, never to meet again. But surprisingly quickly, Anya's work as a stenographer for Fyodor Mikhailovich was getting better. Mutual understanding began to emerge, work became a joy for Anya, and an additional source of inspiration for Fyodor Mikhailovich. At first, mutual sympathy arose, as the work progressed, attraction and tenderness arose.

Fyodor Mikhailovich's relatives and Anna's relatives were against their wedding. But they were already old enough to make their own decisions.

A life full of boundless happiness began, Anna Grigorievna later wrote. Dostoevsky wrote that he could not bear even a short separation from his wife. He could endure every parting only if he wrote letters to his beloved. His letters to his wife are full of love, respect and tenderness.

Anna Grigorievna wrote: "... these letters were and are my greatest pride ... I have read and re-read them hundreds of times." She herself was completely immersed in love for Fyodor Mikhailovich. L.N. She said to Tolstoy: “My husband represented the ideal of a man! All the highest moral and spiritual qualities that adorn a person were manifested in him to the highest degree. He was kind, generous, merciful, fair, disinterested, compassionate - like no one else! " They had three children. Their cloudless relationship lasted fourteen years, until Dostoevsky's death.

A complete copy of this plot: an unpleasant impression after the first meeting, and then true love occurred in the life of Valeria Dmitrievna and Mikhail Mikhailovich Prishvin. Valeria Dmitrievna came to Mikhail Mikhailovich to get a job as a personal secretary, keeper of the archive. After the first visit, the mother asks her:

“- Well, how is it going with you there?
- We did not like each other very much, - I answered".

"I will bring my love to the end and find at the end of it the beginning of endless love of people passing into each other. Let our descendants know what springs were hidden in this era under the rocks of evil and violence."
M. M. Prishvin and V. D. Prishvin. "We are with you. Love Diary". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Love is measured not by passion, but by strength and constancy.

The one who loves not forever does not love.

Love is not a pathetic doll in hands
At the time that erases roses
On fiery lips and cheeks.
And Threats Are Not Afraid Of Her Times.
W. Shakespeare

Love is not love,
When she at every hesitation
That disappears, then comes again.
W. Shakespeare

Mikhail Isaakovich and Elizaveta Ivanovna Mukasey

Our glorified intelligence officers are illegal immigrants, Honorary State Security Officers Mikhail Isaakovich and Elizaveta Ivanovna Mukasey. Already in 1939, they were on assignment from intelligence on a business trip abroad. They lived, worked, loved, gave birth to children in an incredibly difficult time. They have lived in love and a happy marriage for over 75 years. When the diamond anniversary was celebrated, they almost did not let go of each other's hand. It was love that helped them live such a bright, complex, fruitful life.

Mikhail Isaakovich lived 101 years, Elizaveta Ivanovna 97 years.

Their son, People's Artist of the Russian Federation Anatoly Mukasey, following the conjugal example of his parents, has been in love and a happy marriage with Svetlana Druzhinina for more than 55 years (actress, director, screenwriter, People's Artist of the Russian Federation).

This bright dynasty of Mukaseev alone refutes the popular statement of V. Mayakovsky: "Their love boat crashed against everyday life." If a boat is made of love, it is not afraid of any everyday rocks, obstacles, eddies, only because there are more everyday difficulties than Mukaseevs - there can be no elders.

Elizaveta Ivanovna: “Fear, eternal fear, constant tremors of the body and eternal love for children. We only thought about them: are they alive, how are they there without us".

And if the boat is molded somehow out of amorous hobby, another pseudo-love of a primitive draft is enough for it to collapse.

The good life is a life inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Both knowledge and love are endless.
Nobel Prize Laureate Bertrand Russell "Marriage and Morality". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Over time, love gets stronger and stronger ...
Corresponding Member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M.E. Litvak "Love is healthy and addicted"

Time moves too slowly for those who wait, too fast for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.
G. Van Dyck

Love is such a long occupation, for which one life is negligible. Love is the willingness to spend eternity together.
M. Epstein

The only thing that doesn't end is love.
Richard Bach

True love stories never end. The only way to know what happens in "living happily ever after" with the ideal spouse is to live it yourself.
Richard Bach

How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-lovers. E. Pushkarev

Z. Gippius and D. Merezhkovsky

At the age of 18, the young poetess Zinaida Nikolaevna Gippius (1869 -1945) met her first and only love - Dmitry Sergeevich Merezhkovsky (1865-1941), who from now on and for all her life became her husband, companion, friend, companion, as she is for him. Their spiritual and creative union was distinguished by extraordinary longevity - it lasted 52 years, until the last day of Dmitry Sergeevich's life.
In 1889, after the wedding, she and her husband moved to St. Petersburg, where Zinaida began an active literary career. Her first poems were published in the journal of St. Petersburg Symbolists "Northern Herald". She entered their circle immediately and immediately became one of the brightest representatives of symbolism. Her poems contained everything that is characteristic of this literary movement: deliberate isolation from life, reflections on love and death, the exaltation of the value of an individual (first of all, her own).
I hate humanity
And I run from him, hurrying.
My beloved homeland -
My desolate soul.

Zinaida Gippius had hobbies with other men, mostly common affairs, letters, conversations that lasted all night in the Merezhkovskys' house, a few kisses - that's all. In the early 1890s, Zinaida Nikolaevna closely converges with two at once - the symbolist poet Nikolai Minsky and the playwright and prose writer Fyodor Chervinsky, a university acquaintance of Merezhkovsky. Minsky loved her passionately - and Gippius only, in her own words, was in love "with herself through him." In 1895, Zinaida Nikolaevna began a romantic relationship with Akim Flexer, a well-known critic and ideologist of the Severny Vestnik magazine. The acquaintance was long ago. It was Flexer who first published the poems of Gippius, which no magazine wanted to take. Long-term cooperation gradually developed into friendship, then into something romantic. But with him she remained herself: most of all in Akim Lvovich she was captivated by the fact that he, like her, strove to preserve his "bodily purity": As Gippius later wrote, they parted because of the "impossible Russian language" with which Flexer wrote his critical articles.

In the field of their (Merezhkovsky and Gippius) intimate relationships during the first period of their lives, “third persons” now and then fell, but the general strategy of life and the realization of spiritual aspirations eventually outweighed, and they refused to search for fleeting, missing emotions. And the time of "grinding", that is, the search for mutual compromises, which took this couple more than a decade, led them to almost complete acceptance of each other against the background of dissociation from amorous emotional turmoil outside the family. It is quite possible to assume that the preservation of their marriage did not take place without suppressing inner desires, but who said that happiness comes without the effort of will and is not part of self-hypnosis ?!
Writer V.V. Badrak

Zinaida Gippius was fond of not only men, but also women, there were even rumors about her that she was bisexual or even lesbian. In the late 1890s, Gippius was in close relationship with the English Baroness Elizabeth von Overbeck. Coming from a family of Russified Germans, Elizaveta von Overbeck, as a composer, collaborated with Merezhkovsky - she wrote music for the tragedies of Euripides and Sophocles, translated by him, which were staged at the Alexandrinsky Theater. Gippius dedicated several poems to Elizabeth von Overbeck.
Today I will hide your name
And aloud - I will not name it to others.
But you will hear that I am with you,
Again you - alone - I live.
The star is huge in the wet sky,
Trembling - flowing - its edges.
And I look into the night, and my heart remembers,
That this night is yours, yours!
Let me see my dear eyes again,
Look into their depth - in breadth - and blue.
Earthly heart in the great Night
In his anguish - oh, don't leave!
And more and more greedy, more and more steadfast
It calls - one - you.
Take my heart in your palm,
Warm - comfort - comfort, loving ...
Nevertheless, the marriage of Gippius and Merezhkovsky was truly a unique not only spiritual, but also creative union. There are different points of view on who was the leader in it, but they agree on one thing: it was Zinaida who owned the ideas that Merezhkovsky later developed in his works. Without him, all her ideas would have remained just words, and without her he would have been silent. It happened that articles and poems written by Zinaida Nikolaevna were published under the name of Merezhkovsky. Zinaida Gippius included some of Merezhkovsky's articles in her books.
I would like to emphasize the phenomenon of love between Zinaida Gippius and Dmitry Merezhkovsky not only by the fact that it lasted 52 years, but also by the fact that over these years they never parted for a single day.

Details of the life of Z.N. Gippius and D.S. Merezhkovsky

The theme of love in the philosophy of Z. Gippius. Zhigulina O.

Love is the willingness to grow old with another person.
A. Camus

The same point of view was adhered to:
Love is when you want to grow old with someone.
E. M. Remarque

Another story that can serve as an example, its first half is very similar, and the second half has death and its experience.
Paul McCartney met Linda Eastman in a London nightclub in 1968. This chance meeting between the famous "Beatle" and a tall blonde American woman who was making a career as a rock photographer, it seemed, could not turn into anything but a short affair. McCartney has long and forever, as everyone thought, gave his heart to his longtime girlfriend - the film actress Jane Asher; it was believed that their marriage was just around the corner. Linda was inferior to Jane not only in appearance and manners (although she came from a very wealthy family of a New York lawyer), but also because she was already married once, and even had a daughter.
In addition to his love of rock music, Paul and Linda had one thing in common - the loss of their mothers. Paul's mother died of breast cancer when he was only 14 years old; Linda was 4 years older when her mother died in a car accident.

Paul McCartney is 22 times listed in the Guinness Book of Records

Very quickly Linda overshadowed everything for Paul, although the Beatles were still one big family for him. Linda also doted on Paul: being a passionate admirer of him, she encouraged him in difficult moments, and waited a long time for him to return home from late recording sessions. In 1969, Paul and Linda officially became husband and wife. At that time, no one believed in the strength of this marriage. And in August of the same year, the young family celebrated the birth of their daughter , Mary Patricia.
Paul and Linda Macartney
The Beatles were living their last days. And Paul, realizing this, retired to his farm in Scotland and fenced off from the outside world. Despite Linda's closeness, he was under the stress of breaking up with friends. I started taking drugs. And only Linda was able to return him to normal life. In a recent interview, Paul admitted: "Then Linda saved my life." There were even rumors about his death. And Paul was in no hurry to dispel them, working on his solo album, where he alone performed the parts of all the instruments. Linda helped him, was his "muse" when writing songs (he sang about this with tenderness in "Lovely Linda"), tried to control the equipment. The "family" of the album "McCartney" can be traced literally in everything - both in the cover, on which he laughs happily, carefully holding his tiny daughter in his arms, and in the lyrics. Paul looked happy and relieved ...
However, despite his fascination with the family nest, Paul could not live without music - the stage called him.

Once again, you can recall the dispute: "Should spouses take a break from each other?" If they love, then no matter how much they communicate, this is always not enough for them.
Paul had little contact with Linda only at home. And he made a risky decision - Linda will become a member of his new group (which she herself came up with a poetic name - "Wings"). True, the wife of the multi-instrumentalist had no idea about musical literacy, she could not play any musical instrument. But love for Paul and the desire to be close to him won - for many hours a day, biting her lips, Linda mastered the complex art of playing the piano.
Paul dedicated a lot of beautiful and gentle melodies to his wife, encouraging her, more than once he inserted her name into the texts and titles of his works. And soon the attacks on Linda subsided: for several years spent on stage, she managed to curb obstinate instruments, and now her hands run with the same ease on the keys of the piano and synthesizer, confidently keep the rhythm, shaking the tambourine. According to Paul, Linda is not only an excellent wife, but also a reliable and patient musician. But it's no secret that patience is the main quality required for working with Paul on stage: he is a leader and requires unconditional obedience.
Over 30 years of marriage, Paul and Linda, only 11 days were apart - when in 1979 Paul, who arrived with his band on tour in Japan, was arrested at Tokyo airport for the illegal transportation of small amounts of marijuana. Linda did not sleep at night, making desperate calls to the most senior officials. Her efforts turned out to be useful - Paul was soon released, and the imprisonment was replaced with a monetary fine.
Recognizing Linda as a full partner on stage, Paul turned out to be very conservative about home life: he believes that Linda should take care of the house herself, stubbornly refuses to hire a servant. Linda herself goes shopping, cooks, does household chores, devotes a lot of time to children. Paul already has four of them, as the fortune-teller predicted. Over the years of their life together, Linda became a real cook, even wrote several cookbooks called "Linda McCartney's Vegetarian Recipes" (the couple became vegetarians long ago). For all 30 years, wherever they went, they always held hands.
By some fatal accident, Linda, like Paul's mother, died of breast cancer in 1998. When the diagnosis of Linda's illness became known, Paul abandoned everything and began to deal only with her treatment, he knew what an insidious illness she had. The best doctors, the best clinics, the best medicines, it seemed that under such a pressure of love and energy, any ailment could not resist, but cancer turned out to be ruthless and omnipotent.
Paul was very upset about the death of his beloved wife, friend, partner, support. Depression, alcohol, drugs, seclusion, for a while it seemed that Paul would not break out of this black streak. But life took its toll, the craving for creativity, new hobbies returned.

Old love doesn't rust
Russian proverb

In Chelyabinsk, in March, the traditional golden ball is held, the main characters of which are married couples who have lived in marriage, love and harmony for more than 50 years. The champion of these balls is a couple who have been married for over 70 years.

... If the spouses love each other for many years, then falling in love imperceptibly turns into a sweet habit and ardent passion is replaced by tender friendship.
J.J. Russo

It is not true that all love passes over time. No, true love does not pass, but comes over time. Not immediately, but gradually, you comprehend the joy of getting closer to your beloved woman. It's like a good old wine. You have to get used to it, you have to drink it for a long time to understand its charm.
A.P. Chekhov

Here I would like to dwell in more detail on the phases of the experience of separation grief.
Boris Nikolaevich and Naina Iosifovna Yeltsin.
"It can't be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. Consciousness refuses to accept reality, and therefore a grieving person is at first constrained, tense, he seems to freeze, there are no tears, there is a feeling of unreality of what is happening. This is shock, the first phase of grief. It is soon replaced by the "search" phase. Reality is perceived as through a veil, there is often a feeling of the presence of the deceased: "Why is he so delayed today? Has something happened?" On the street it suddenly seems - he, his gait. Such recognition is quite natural, but sometimes thoughts arise: Am I going crazy?

Academician Natalya Petrovna Bekhtereva after the death of her husband says: “I looked out the window and saw my husband from the back. work on the car, put it in the garage and decided to buy something at the nearest store".

Then comes the acute grief phase. This is the most difficult period and usually lasts 6-7 weeks. Not only the soul suffers, but also the body: often muscle weakness, loss of energy, heaviness in breathing appear. There is a feeling of his own guilt: "Now, if he was alive:" About a year later, the last phase of "completion" begins.

EG Bonner: "... when I was lying after the second or third heart attack, Andrei Dmitrievich (Sakharov) said:" If you die, I will immediately go after you". In the most serious and demanding way I demanded from him that he promise not to do this for six months, and after that the severity of the loss is dulled. He did not immediately, but made a promise".

At first, you just need to be more with the person. There is no need to look for any words, the presence is important, help with household trifles. Do not overdo it with valerian or other medications.
If by the 6-7th week after the death of a loved one he has not returned in full to his usual professional and everyday duties, you need to gently but persistently involve him in their circle.
Life events, in accordance with the pressure exerted on the psyche. Developed by American psychologists Holmes and Ray.

Selectively several events and their score in points.

100 - death of a marriage partner
73 - divorce
63 - Imprisonment
63 - Death of a Close Family Member
50 - marriage
45 - retirement
20 - change of housing
13 - vacation

No matter how hard the grief, it has not only a beginning, but also an end. Any grief is experienced, but we do not have a culture of overcoming grief, enduring misfortune, there is no culture of getting out of tragic situations. The lack of culture manifests itself as a doubler of grief, intensifies and prolongs it. The ability to withstand pain, the ability to switch oneself, block the streams of grief with streams of other feelings - these are psychological pain relievers, they help a person get out of the crisis faster and wiser.

See books for details and tips:

Bob Dates "The Morning After The Loss"
Yu.V. Zamanaeva "The loss of a loved one is a test of life"
Fedor Vasilyuk "Experiencing and Prayer"
Fedor Vasilyuk "To survive the grief"
Books are in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Mary-Francis O * Connor, a neuroscientist at the University of California Los Angeles, studied the brains of women who had recently experienced the death of a sister or mother. Some of these women suffered from what is known as lingering grief. (Lingering grief is stronger than sadness - it is chronic pathological longing, an obsession with the dead.) The other women felt the usual grief. O * Connor placed subjects in an fMRI machine and showed them photographs of strangers and deceased loved ones. Each photo was accompanied by an inscription, either describing the grief or neutral. In women with lingering grief, the reward system was much more responsive. This may seem strange, unless you think of grief as an addiction. When women looked at grief-related words, the nucleus accumbens responded only in those who experienced a lingering reaction. The reaction was associated with a strong longing for the deceased, similar to a craving for drugs.
L. Young, B. Alexander “The Chemistry of Love. A scientific view of love, sex and attraction " The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Therefore, the degree of grief is not an indicator of love for the deceased, but characterizes the level of psychological health, can be both normal and addictive - painful disorder, stuck in grief.

In Russia, mental fortitude has always been an important element of folk culture, but in our century it was supplanted by a pampering muslin upbringing. As a result, getting stuck in grief, and this is already a deviation from the norm.

Two dramatic stories are examples of being stuck in grief.

Pablo Picasso and Olga Khokhlova Before meeting Olga Khokhlova (a dancer from Diaghilev's ballet) Pablo Picasso led a riotous lifestyle, promiscuous sex, a rebel in art, abstract art. He was a decorator for Diaghilev's ballet. At first, they did not notice each other, but during communication a mutual falling in love arose. When Pablo brought Olga to his workshop, she was horrified. Something like a garbage dump, dust, dirt.

Pablo draws Olga a lot. The press, describing their relationship, calls him a demon, her angel. Olga strives in every possible way to bring Pablo out of the riotous abstractionist life into a decently realistic one. Pablo is so much in love with her that she succeeds. Pablo begins the life of a respectable bourgeois, paints in a realistic manner.

At first they are both happy. Picasso really thought it was love for life. Proof of this is the marriage contract, in which all his paintings belong to him and her equally. Having settled in Paris, Olga furnished the house with chic and luxury, according to the latest fashion. A car with a driver, an artist's workshop that occupies the entire second floor, pedigree dogs, receptions, dinner parties and receptions. The closeness and warm attitude of the top officials of the state ... Olga loves expensive outfits, caviar and champagne. Pablo is also not averse to making himself a suit at an expensive couturier. A gold watch peeks out of his waistcoat pocket. He is proud of his wife, her ability to keep herself in this highest society, her unusual beauty, posture and indulges her in the desire to live in a big way. She writes and paints her portraits, and she reprimands him that she wants to recognize her face. The portraits of that time are recognizable. Focused, serious eyes, flawlessly straight nose. Restraint and restraint, as if she is still wearing that heavy cubic suit, invented by Picasso for Diaghilev's ballet Parade.

Thirty-year-old Olga gives birth to her forty-year-old husband's son Paulo. This is the happiest period in their family life. Pablo paints a lot of gentle portraits of Olga and little Paul in a Harlequin costume, in a round hat, sitting on a donkey.

For several years, Pablo is bored with this respectable world. He again returns to his friends drunkards, abstractionism. The workshop turns into rubble again, but now he does not let Olga go there, he moves away from her.

For a while, they again turn into a loving couple, but this is not for long. Pablo is more and more drawn into his former riotous lifestyle, with Olga there is a final break.

Every time I change a woman, I have to burn the last one.

The divorce proceedings and the division of property will last more than 20 years and will end tragically. Olga will end her life in a mental institution, incoherently repeating Pablo, Pablo.

Olga was so fascinated, mesmerized by Pablo's courtship, the brightness of his personality and her influence on him, during the heyday of their romance, that she could not believe for several decades of her later life that all her spells had already ended. Their son Paul's life was tragic, he became an alcoholic, then a drug addict, from which he died.

The ruler of India, Shah Jahan of the Mughal dynasty, erected a majestic mausoleum of white marble for his wife Mumtaz, dedicating the rest of his life to this "temple of love". This is how the radiant Taj Mahal appeared on the banks of the picturesque Jamna in the middle of the 17th century . Both during their lifetime (they had been married for 19 years, having 9 children), and after death, Mumtaz remained for Jahan the "queen of the heart", whose memory he did not change until the end of his life. Deposed from the throne by his son and imprisoned in the Red Fort, Shah Jahan liked to spend time in the tower, from where the Taj Mahal was visible and where he asked to be buried - next to the "queen of his heart".

These are examples when a person experiences grief not in case of loss of love, but mania, when one painful condition causes the development of another equally painful one.

More examples of true love.

Mikhail and Raisa Gorbachev

There is no need to rest from true love, it does not weaken over the years, it is not afraid of everyday difficulties.

Passion has passed, and its ardor is alarming
No longer torments my heart
But I can't stop loving you,
Everything that is not you is so vain and false,
Everything that is not you is colorless and dead.
A.K. Tolstoy

An example of this was President Woodrow Wilson's true and beautiful love for his wife, Ellen. After seventeen years of marriage, he writes: “Everything that I am, and everything that I have in life, I owe you. ... I could not be who I am if I did not draw such serene happiness from my union with you. You are a source of pleasure; and as long as I have you and as long as you are happy too, nothing can come to me except goodness and strength. Oh, my incomparable sweet wife, may God bless and keep you."

And after twenty-eight years of marriage, he writes from the White House: “I adore you! No president before me had a wife like you! I am by far the happiest man in the world. " And in another letter: “When I write, I cannot think of anything but you. My days are filled not so much with anxiety and a deep sense of responsibility, as they are filled with you, my precious wife, who, even far from me, plays a major role in my life every day and every moment".

From a letter from N. G. Chernyshevsky to his wife: “If I had not met you, my dear friend, and if you had not found that you can rely on my devotion to you, my life would have been empty and inactive ... Your qualities were supported my faith in the rationality and nobility of people".

We write little about true love because it is calm, not flashy, everyday. TV presenter L. Milyavskaya repeated in her show body more than once: "Not a word about happy love, they lower the rating of the program, so there is no need for happiness, otherwise the advertising money will not come."
The 30th anniversary of the marriage was celebrated by the world's best hockey goalkeeper Vladislav Tretyak and his wife Tatiana. Tatiana Tretyak: “Probably, I spent half my life alone, he was at the training camp, then at the championships. Of course, I did not try to isolate myself, I always lived the life of my husband. I was always interested in his work, we had no secrets or secrets, we shared everything together. That is, spiritually we are very close. I always wanted to see him, always meet. I think that, of course, such a trait is inherent in me. in principle, it would be indifferent - if he were rich, poor, the main thing is that we love each other. I try everything that sometimes arises, there is something, I discard it and try to think about the good".

Marital love that goes through a thousand accidents is the most beautiful miracle, albeit the most common.
F. Moriak

The most famous Russian gypsy Nikolai Slichenko sings for his wife Tomila Adomirova, with whom they have been happily married for almost 50 years:
Thank you, thank you!
For being in the world.
People's Artist of Bulgaria Biser Kirov: "I got married in my first year of college and have been happy with my wife for 40 years. We have two children, grandchildren are growing up. I don't know a decent, kind, understanding person than mine wife. I go on tour a lot and from everywhere, even from Cuba, even from Sakhalin I call home sometimes twice every day. Our emotional connection is never interrupted, I tell her everything and she tells me too".
People's Artist of the USSR Vladimir Zeldin on his 90th birthday: "My wife Yvette, with whom I have been happy for 40 years, is the most expensive gift in my life."
Writer Arkady Inin can become an unusual example of love for his wife. They live in a happy marriage in their fifties, and he took his surname in honor of his wife Inna.
Lydia Nikolaevna and Mikhail Isaevich Tanich have lived in love for 52 years. Mikhail Isaevich shortly before his death: “She not only inspires me, but I write all the poems for her. Now we have everything the same as then. There has never been a chill, with all this we are very different, not similar people". Lydia Nikolaevna: “Misha was dying practically in my arms. His last words were: "You and I are not overjoyed." I consider myself the happiest person on earth because I had 52 years of a happy family life. And now I have a bright memory".

Love is an unquenchable thirst, love is an ocean that no one can exhaust; while the sun steals one wave from him, a hundred rivers bring him another thousand waves.
Jean Paul

In 1926, Irving Berlin and Ellen McKay secretly married, her father was against it. She is 22 years old, he is 37. She is a tall blonde beauty and heiress of many millions, and Irving is short and ugly and nosed. But he's a genius. During his life I. Berlin created fifteen hundred songs (of which 50 are considered hits), wrote music for 19 theatrical performances and 15 films.
Grammy award winner Irving Berlin has already put on a tuxedo and entered his wife's room when she is going to the celebration of her 100th anniversary at Carnegie Hall, she was seriously ill. Irving sat for a long time, holding his wife by the hand, and then said: "Of course, I want to be with my friends and fans tonight, but I'd rather stay with you, it is not known how long fate has measured out for us." Two months later, the wife died. Irving died nine months later. Irving and Ellin have lived in love and harmony for 62 years.

All human relationships must end sometime, and the threat of loss and loneliness and, in the end, death, is the most terrible if love is very strong.
O. Kernberg "Mature Sexual Love and Sexy Couple"

People's Artist of Russia Ilya Oleinikov: “Not only can I not imagine my life without my wife, I feel terrified if such a thought flashes through. Such a thought plunges me into horror, cold sweat, trembling: "God forbid." I can only interrupt this rush with the thought: "life will inevitably end, if only it does not end before mine." He was buried on 11/14/12 at the Kazan cemetery in the suburbs of St. Petersburg.

Alexey Batalov lived in a happy marriage with a hereditary circus artist, gypsy Gitana Leontenko for 54 years. Moreover, their acquaintance took place ten years before that, they either closely converged, then parted for a long time. Many families are falling apart due to children's disabilities, but their marriage, congenital cerebral palsy of Masha's daughter, only strengthened them even more.
They were both from artistic bohemia, which leaves a kind of imprint on the personal relationships of the spouses. “Once, while visiting, Alyosha began to look after a lady,” said Gitana. - At home, I made a gypsy scandal. Alyosha did not argue, did not make excuses. Until seven o'clock in the morning, he explained to me that it is indecent, unworthy to be jealous, that smart women do not act like that. He was so convincing that within an hour I was ready to ask for forgiveness, and he kept talking and talking. The next day we were visiting again. Seeing that Alyosha was talking tenderly with Mordyukova, I, sideways, into another room. If only I did not think that I was jealous.
Before his death, he wrote another poem with a declaration of love to his wife, but did not finish it, he died in a dream.

Adriano Celentano and Claudia Mori

Adriano Celentano and Claudia Mori have been happily married for over 50 years (since 1964). "They have been together for so long and love each other like on a honeymoon!" - their friends say with delight.

Abraham Lincoln gave his wife, Mary Todd, a ring that says "Love Forever". It was his choice and his commitment, and he loved his wife (a woman with a rather complex character) all his life. About this - Irving Stone's novel "Love Is Forever, or Mary Todd and Abraham Lincoln", as well as Daniel Epstein: "The Lincolns. Portrait of a Marriage ".

Constancy in love is an eternal impermanence that prompts us to get carried away in turn by all the qualities of a loved one, giving preference to one of them, then another; thus, constancy turns out to be impermanence, but limited on one subject.
F. La Rochefoucauld

We know more about life-long full-fledged love from the biographies of famous people, but this does not mean at all that only they are capable of such a feeling, among ordinary people it also happens, only they write little about it.

Robert and Nora Wiands from Illinois, married in 1942. Robert worked for about 30 years as a traveling salesman for a distribution company, was fond of fishing and gardening. His wife Nora was an aerobics teacher and trainer. The Wyands spouses raised five children and helped raise 18 grandchildren.

In recent years, the couple had health problems. Robert suffered from Parkinson's disease, and Nora was hospitalized with pneumonia last December. According to ABC, at 0.45 last Wednesday (08/28/13) 92-year-old Robert Wiands passed away. At 4.45 pm on the same day, his 88-year-old wife passed away. We have been married for 71 years.

“They never really parted. At the dinner table, they held each other's hand, ”says their daughter Barb Milton. It's time to remember how Russian folk tales of love end: "And they healed happily, and they died in one day." And they buried them in the same grave.

In November 2010, at the age of 73, ex-Prime Minister of the Russian Federation Viktor Stepanovich Chernomyrdin, the author of the immortal aphorism: "We wanted the best ...", died. He was so grieving about the death of his wife Valentina, who had passed away a few months earlier, in March, that he could not recover from this grief. They lived in a happy marriage for almost half a century, brought up two sons.

The medical journal "The Lancet" published an article by specialists from the University of Utrecht (Holland), which stated that for men the risk of dying after losing a wife increases by 21%, and for women who have buried their husbands - by 17%. The highest mortality rate among widowed people is observed in the first months after the tragic event; over time, this figure decreases.

According to statistics, we know that not so many married couples live in love and harmony ( family statistics. ), but this is not the fault of love, but of our culture.
More details: Ecology of the culture of love.

Surely there is a skeptic who will argue: "Living together for so many years, the spouses will surely form an ordinary habit something like love." I will revive with a few examples from life that if there are no internal, mutual prerequisites for the emergence of love, even how long you live together, there will be no love.
Psychotherapist V. Levy: "In the family of Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy, the crisis of marital relations has been a constant state for several decades. Both characters in the drama - both Lev Nikolaevich and Sofya Andreevna - tried in all conscience, each in their own way, to preserve And they even seem to have succeeded, but how did it happen? .. To say “bad, bad,” the language does not turn out to be. Because all this heavy permanent crisis history has become, in the end, History - the biography of the great genius.
Tragically it turned out to save this family - that's how clumsy to say, perhaps, it would be more correct. And the defeat, and the gap all the same - right before the curtain - the gap and became the curtain...".
The dying Lev Nikolayevich asked that his wife not be allowed into the room. Everything was already so bad between them that he did not want to overshadow his departure from life with her presence.
Mikhail Zoshchenko, having lived with his wife for more than 40 years in marriage, wrote: "... I wanted not to have such a wife, but the one who felt sorry for me more." But this was preceded by a bright love, courtship, romance.

A beautiful, wealthy woman says: “We have two loneliness at home. family. And so we are both very lonely. We have nothing to talk about...".

When you get married, you need to ask yourself the question: do you think that you will be able to talk well with this woman until old age? Everything else in a marriage is temporary, but most of the communication belongs to the conversation.
F. Nietzsche.

Another female insult: "The first and last time we kissed at a wedding. I really want physical affection, attention, sex, but my husband only has work on his mind. He goes to bed late, gets up early. We have two sons. Sex in his entire life can be counted on the fingers, it is purely mechanical, he planes the boards and then with more love.I tried to seduce him with my own initiative, attention, clothes, alcohol, but my husband considers all this quirks, oddities, excesses, it is better to do business, than this disgrace. I can't have a lover on the side, not that kind of upbringing. We have everything in our house and even more. Friends envy me, and I consider myself a failure, as if life has passed by".

Describing the love of self-actualized individuals, A. Maslow notes that there is defenselessness (lack of protection) in it. People have no secrets from each other, and they do not seek to be a mystery to each other. They are not characterized by the idea of masculine and feminine principles, as opposites, their opposition. The love of such people is free from conventions and prejudices. They are not only able to love, but also have the ability to evoke love. Satisfaction with the psychological and sexual aspects of the relationship among members of the couple does not decrease over the years, "as usual", but increases. An increase in the term of acquaintance of partners turns out to be associated with an increase in satisfaction. Partners have a constant and growing interest in each other, interest in each other's affairs, etc.
According to A. Maslow, the disease of one becomes the disease of both.

Here (in love) the same tendencies can be traced that I found in the study of the addictive factor on the perception of paintings. I found that a good picture never gets boring, on the contrary, the longer and the more often we look at it, the more we like it, the more enjoyment we get from it, while a bad picture, on the contrary, causes us more and more rejection and even disgust.
A. Maslow "Love and self-actualization."

To end the chapter on an optimistic note, there are two more stories about true love.

Two-time Olympic champions Lyudmila Belousova: "For 51 years of marriage, we have lived without each other for only 4 days."
Oleg Protopopov: "She is my friend and partner, but most importantly Lyudmila is my endless love. Now we live for each other and are infinitely happy."
Reporter: "Do you look at beautiful women?"
Oleg: "Yes. Both before and now I like looking at beautiful women. This does not affect my big, serious attitude towards Lyudmila. These are completely different levels."

Sexual love exists like all other passions, but like them, it must be debunked; precious ornaments and lush colors must be removed from this idol so that everyone can see that this is not a god, but a simple tree ...
M.O. Menshikov, 19th century philosopher.

Club: Love is a simple tree, but actively fruitful.

Just as an almond tree bears more fruit in old age, so love becomes more needed the older it is. It is the same with love, as with a vineyard, for from young years the wine is plentiful, but from old age it is better; In the same way, the first tender love flaunts flowers more magnificently, but love experienced for decades exudes the sweetest juice.
John Lily, English writer of the 16th century.

Love is like a tree: it grows by itself, takes deep roots into our whole being and often continues to turn green and bloom even on the ruins of our heart.
V. Hugo

Y. Tsedenbal and N. Filatova

In the mid-forties of the last century, Yumzhagiin Tsedenbal came to study in Moscow, by that time he was already the right hand of Marshal Choibalsan, the second person in Mongolia. Tsedenbalu liked the Russian girls, and he asked his Soviet curators to help in communicating and getting to know them.
Two Russian girls were specially invited to one of the birthdays. Tsedenbal chose Nastya Filatova, a simple girl from the small Ryazan town of Sapozhok. Nastya was energetic, cheerful, Tsedenbal immediately fell in love with her, a romance began. In 1947, Tsedenbal's studies in Moscow ended, and he had to return to his homeland. He invited Nastya to marry him and go to Mongolia, she did not dare for a long time, but nevertheless agreed.
The first years of Nastya's life in Mongolia were difficult, she did not know the language, traditions, and her usual social circle. Tsedenbal, on frequent trips around the country, in almost every letter in a poetic form confesses to his wife his love for her.
They had two sons, and Anastasia spent all her time raising them. When her sons grew up, she decided to get involved in public life, became the head of the Mongolian Republican Children's Fund. Her intelligence, energy, active position quickly helped her to enter the party and state elite of the country. By the beginning of the eighties, Tsedenbal's health deteriorated, by this time he infinitely trusts his wife and, in fact, she becomes the ruler of Mongolia.
In 1984, Tsedenbal was removed from all posts and dismissed; their whole family moved to Moscow for permanent residence. Tsedenbal's health deteriorates sharply, Anastasia Ivanovna is doing everything possible to protect her husband from the attacks of the new Mongolian authorities, to support him. She often repeats to him: "Mongolia has two most famous sons, Genghis Khan and Tsedenbal."
Not long before his death, Tsedenbal confesses to his son Slavik "I had one beloved woman in my life, your mother." He had a personal prayer dedicated to his wife "Adored, beloved! Forgive me, unlucky one ...".

Love never fails, although prophecies will cease, and tongues will cease, and knowledge will be abolished.
The Bible. First Epistle to the Corinthians (13: 8)

There is kindred love, love because of friendship or common aspirations, love because of camaraderie and acquaintance, love because of the good deed that a person has for his friend, love from greed for the dignity of a loved one, love of two lovers because of a secret that they both know and must hide, love in order to achieve pleasure and satisfy desire, and love by attraction, which has no reason, except for the mentioned connection of souls. All these types of love cease with the cessation of their causes, increase with their increase, decrease with their decrease, strengthen with their approach and weaken with their distance, except for love by true attraction, which takes possession of the soul - this is the love that has no end as with death ...
Ibn Hazm - Arab poet and scholar, XI century

From a letter to the Club: “I met my husband 15 years ago. There was crazy chemistry and animal desire. Then came the love and acquaintance with him as a person. And then love took the place of love. Multifaceted with no other senses comparable. Although the chemistry did not go away and did not even calm down a little. Yes, and he told me just yesterday that he loves me much more than at the beginning of our relationship, because I gave him a good daughter. And he loves not only the body, but also the personality and even regards my bends as a cute highlight to my portrait...".

Where is the destruction in these love stories? But because in true love it is not, and its completion is memory, after the death of one of the couple.

The Spanish poet Juan Ramon Jimenez, having received the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1956 "for lyric poetry, an example of high spirit and artistic purity in Spanish poetry," wrote that the award rightfully belongs to his wife Zenobia. "If it were not for her help, nor her inspiring participation, I would not have been able to work for forty years. Now, without her, I am alone and helpless". Zenobia Camprubi died in 1956 from cancer, Jimenez was never able to recover from her death, and two years later he died in the same clinic.

But in love, all the stages given by Dmitry Ustinov are present. You just need to stop confusing love with love and other pseudo-loves.

To argue that it is impossible to love the same woman is as meaningless as to believe that a celebrated musician needs different violins to play different melodies.
O. de Balzac.

If I started this article with the theory of love of psychologist Dmitry Ustinov, and then diligently refuted it with examples of true love from life, then I would like to end the article with the theory of the development of love relationships by psychologist Igor Ladanov, as the final argument in this chain of refutations.

1st stage: Path of passion:

  • New values: you have a loved one
  • Give up: freedom and tranquility
  • For the sake of: the body of another in sex
  • Stage 2: Adoption of rules and principles:

  • New values: a common future
  • Give up: drug addiction
  • For the sake of: learning the character of another
  • Stage 3: Experiments and discoveries:

  • New values: common development
  • Give up: fear, shame and embarrassment
  • For the sake of: knowing yourself and others
  • Stage 4: ascension to the top:

  • New values: opening a new world
  • Give up: vanity and mundane goals
  • For the sake of: discovering your eternity and Essence
  • If a couple has gone through all four stages of the development of an intimate relationship, without raping either themselves or their partner, but at the expense of the selves, this is love. If the partners could not stand it and abandoned the further development of relations, it means that everything began with falling in love, and her age was short.

    E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

    This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

    In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." almost 2000 storage units. There is also a topic on this page.

    This is a page from the section Psychology of Love

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    You can learn about the variety of the indicated problem from the letters that came to the Club

    Hello! I really need the advice of a psychologist or just an experienced person. I have been married for 5 years, we have no children. The relationship was excellent - peace, friendship, common interests: Sor was not at all, we both know how to negotiate. But there was one problem - sex. He practically did not exist. Recently, once every two or three months, somehow mechanically, without much desire on both sides. This was the case before the wedding. But my husband is my second man, before him I had a boyfriend with whom everything was super in bed, and I naively believed that everything would work out with my husband. But he kept avoiding sex all the time, did not go to a frank conversation (he said that everything was fine with him, just such a physiology, such needs). All attempts to add variety, somehow seduce him, always ended in failure. Gradually, my passion for him died away, and we lived without mutual claims to each other.
    A week ago, my husband admitted to me that he just doesn't like me as a woman - purely outwardly. "You're a beautiful woman, but a different type." And that supposedly this is the whole problem. He does not want to get divorced, he believes that we have an ideal family, "if not for this." But he admits for himself that there can be some kind of sex on the side. And do not mind if I have it. He sees no other options - he says that nothing can be done about it. It was as if I had been hit on the head with a pipe. I feel betrayed, humiliated, crushed. Why did he marry a woman who is "not his type"? It turns out that he lied to me all the time. What for? I didn't cling to him, I didn't force him. I don’t know what to do next. I appreciate the relationship that we have developed, but I will not be able to let some other people into our family, to know that he has someone, to change myself: I am strongly attached to him and still love him, and it hurts me a lot now. Is it possible to get out of such a crisis? Is it possible to change something or is it the end? Is it better to get a divorce now, without leading to filth and resentment, or is it worth trying to change something, save the family? If we were talking about the moral aspect, but this is physiology, chemistry: If there is no passion, it will never be? Now we practically do not talk, we have gone to different rooms, a gap is growing between us. I seem to be stony in his presence. He pretends that everything is normal, cheerful and cheerful, and I am in tears all the time, I hardly sleep at night. I cannot fully comprehend what happened. The main thing is that I cannot make a final decision for myself: is it worth trying to talk to him and persuade him to fight for us, go to a psychologist, a sex therapist: Or the most reasonable thing is to just let him go, get a divorce. I do not see the third option for myself. Tatiana

    Hello Eugene !!! I ask you to help me in resolving the issue, I myself do not know what to do, maybe you will open my eyes and I will look at this issue from a different angle.
    The following situation developed: I met a woman on my way, and passion flared up, but the passion passed literally 3-4 months later, and during this time I just got used to it, or, probably, it’s right to say, became attached to her and her daughter. We tried to disperse while we were on vacation, did not communicate, but then everything resumed (while I was on vacation, I very often remembered her, in a store or on the street, feeling the scent of a perfume similar to her perfume, I looked for her in the crowd, hearing her beloved songs , etc.). In general, I was longing and tried to forget, but nothing came of it, I returned from vacation, it got even worse, and we met, and again together.
    But that's it, the introduction, which might have been worth omitting, the crux of the problem is that I don't know what to do, I don't love her, I don't love her child, but I feel very bad without her, and she doesn’t love me, but the habit, I think, doesn’t let her go either. And that's why we are together (maybe it is important, or maybe it does not matter, we have a difference in age with her - she is 10 years older than me, and exactly the same age for her child). In general, I cannot leave either - attachment holds me, and, by and large, I don’t want to stay either, because. everything does not go well, as we would like. Imagine yourself: people are connected only by habit, and everything that I do and try is taken for granted, or not at all, with the expression:
    - Nobody asked you: Although I am trying to brighten up everyday life, I don’t know what to do, I want to love and be loved, I want to live and be happy, but something’s not all right ...
    As for the child, I provide him with attention, and we do homework, and play, and communicate, we do everything on the sly, at least I try ... I'm sure that from the outside we are just like lovers, and nothing more ... it doesn't suit me, and I tried to talk to her about the question that I didn't want to be lovers, and got nothing intelligible. For some reason he offered to marry, but she does not agree, here we live, but for what and why ??? Maybe we are just afraid of the pain that we will have to experience when parting? Thanks in advance!!! Alexander.

    Эрих Фромм

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    Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

    А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

    У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

    псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

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