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Test for love: “scale of love and sympathy” by Z. Rubin. E. Pushkarev

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Love is a state in which the happiness of another person is necessary for one's own happiness.
science fiction writer R. Heinlein

intimacy trust More precisely, this is a test not just for love, but for determining the quality of love.
Love between a man and a woman can only be mutual. If feeling without reciprocity is not love, but one of the forms of falling in love. ( "Various feelings of love and being in love.")

Three initial characteristics:
- a person does not have an innate gift to distinguish love from sympathy, falling in love and other pseudo love feelings and disorders;
- in love, relationships are primary, and feelings are what accompanies them;
- it makes sense to determine the quality of love after six months of close relationships, if this is done earlier there is a possibility of confusing it with falling in love.

"True love cannot be born until being in love dies."
Gary Chapman "Five languages of love".

Because the "hormonal cocktail" dopamine, phenylethylamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, which causes drunkenness being in love is much more powerful, more euphoric than oxytocin and vasopressin, which cause and accompany love.

Erich Fromm is considered the most famous researcher of love in the 20th century, his work undoubtedly influenced for further research on this topic.
It is better to start assessing your feelings with its definition:

Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It implies care, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop. This is a manifestation of closeness between two human beings, provided that the integrity of each of them is preserved. E. Fromm

World renowned sexologists W. Masters and W. Johnson in their book "On Love and Sex": "... despite the fact that many researchers have tried to define the boundaries of love, we adhere to the following point of view:" The only real difference between love and falling in love is the depth of the feeling and the degree of passion for another person. "
They use subjective and therefore difficult to define concepts of "depth" and "enthusiasm". It should be noted that love addicts (Romeo and Juliet, Petrarch, poor Liza, Anna Karenina, Zheltkov ...) experience extreme “depth” and “enthusiasm”, but they have this not only not love, but a painful disorder. More "Love and sexual addictions". A. Egorov

Zika Rubin can be considered a follower of E. Fromm. As a result of research on happy and unhappy couples in love, Zik Rubin (1973, University of Michigan) was able to identify three main and importantly measured components of individual sexual love: attachment, care and intimacy (trust) , which can be considered empirical indicators of love. They can also be designated as the minimum-sufficient number of concretizers of love.

Once again:
“… love is not a passive state of mind, it is an active action of a lover. Because love is manifested only in actions. Without action, it is not recognizable. In principle, this is an old maxim (not by words, but by deeds a person is known). "
D. political science Alex Battler "On Love, Family and State." The book is in our library

“Love is an active action, not a passive acceptance, much less“ falling somewhere ”.
E. Fromm

Affection , is defined as the desire for the physical presence of a loved one and the willingness to receive - to show emotional support. This is what applies to positive attachments, but there are others.
Attachment theory was developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby, he identified four styles of attachment. The foundations of these styles are laid in childhood and are formed, consolidated based on our relationship with our parents.
A healthy or safe attachment is characterized by: “Emotions do not overwhelm me, but I do not suppress them either. I communicate easily and just as easily I can be alone, without losing my calm and enjoying it. I treat my partner's requests with attention and do not perceive them as a threat. And he perceives his attachment to me as well ”. This style is called "secure attachment" and is used even as a synonym for love and friendship. It is characterized by a comfortable, attractive psychological climate, and this has a positive effect on the attitude, self-esteem, self-regulation, and vitality of everyone.

Oddly enough, but the ability to be alone is a condition of the ability to love.
E. Fromm.

Other attachment styles are formed with painful elements of apprehension, anxiety, worry, suspicion. There are also clinical forms of addictions called codependencies, in most cases they are curable.

The Club received letters with the question "How to distinguish love from simple attachment?" that is, there is an opposition "attachment - love". And this is not entirely correct, because attachment is an element of the system, and love is itself an integral workable system, in which there are many such elements. It is just as incorrect to compare an engine with a car, it is correct to compare a car to another car, just as love is with a contractual relationship and an engine is compared to another engine, as well as affection in love with affection in a contractual relationship.

Beautiful signs of affection in love are quoted by PJ Proudhon: "Love without fever, without confusion and recklessness, peaceful and enchanting affection." Therefore, if attachment is peaceful and enchanting, this is love, if without them, then this is something else. Example: Dostoevsky wrote that he could not bear even a short separation from his wife. He could endure every parting only if he wrote letters to his beloved. His letters to his wife are full of love, respect and tenderness. Their love and cloudless relationship lasted until Dostoevsky's death.

It is pertinent to recall that the psychological equivalent of love is harmony with a variety of modalities, therefore, what is harmony for one couple, for another can be stress, an unpleasant irritant. This means that the closest adjectives to the concept of attachment, as well as to the other two components of love, are "harmonious", when everything is so in moderation that it is natural, and therefore imperceptible.

When love speaks, the voices of all gods make the heavens doze off with a sense of harmony.
W. Shakespeare

In English there is a proverb "Congruity is the mother of love" - "Harmony is the mother of love."

Because attachment in love is based on the self of each of the couple, and attachment in a contractual relationship, they are also called "worked together" on duty, volitional efforts, diligence and control. When the two are in love, this is taken for granted. How could it be otherwise? Why? It's just as better than any other option.

D.psh.n. E.P. Ilyin believes that love is an intimate attachment with great power, so great that the loss of the object of this attachment seems irreplaceable to a person, and his existence after this loss is meaningless. The book by E.P. Ilyin "The Psychology of Love" is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...".
There are statements that such a characteristic of the concept is the most complete definition of love.

In an ideal marriage, the husband says about his wife: “In her presence, I do not need to control my actions, I can always remain myself. All household responsibilities in any business are distributed almost automatically. " Disagreements and disputes between duals are settled not by compromise - finding a middle line - but by cooperation, that is, revealing the true needs the other and their satisfaction, which is the basis of real attachments.
I. Karnauch “Rainbow of characters. Psychotypes in Business and Love ". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

When psychologists asked couples based on love to solve a problem together, they heard much more sighs and oohs than those who worked together. But after solving the problem, the couples with love experienced the greatest satisfaction with each other, their mood was much better than in the matched couples, although their results could be inferior to those of the latter. Because in couples with love, the process is no less pleasant, significant than the result.
D. ped. Sci., Professor V.I. Petrushin,

I would like to highlight two test signs of love from the standpoint of selfhood: when cooperation reigns in a couple, and if there is a search for a compromise, this is a contractual relationship.

What is "self" according to:

V.I. Give "authenticity, one-person";

K.G. Jung “the unity of the conscious and the unconscious, the integrity of the personality, the essence of man”;

A. Maslow's "inner core" of a person, which manifests itself in the form of natural inclinations, addictions and inner convictions. "

To use the logic of Petr Chaadaev: “There is nothing easier than loving those you love; but you also need to love a little those you don't love. " When “There is nothing easier than loving those you love” because this feeling is based on selfhood, and if “you need to love a little and those you don’t love” because this feeling is based on efforts, this is a contractual, volitional relationship. To characterize them, they even invented the concept of "labor of love".

There is no time limit for attachment: you can always love while your heart is alive.
N. Karamzin

Paul and Linda Macartney When the Beatles disbanded Paul McCartney created the Wings ”And drew his beloved wife Linda into her, although she had nothing to do with music and instruments at that time. Because on stage he lacked her beneficial influence, which he experienced at home.

Another sign of affection in love is isolation from all people, selfishness together, in which proximity to another removes the question of ethical and aesthetic criteria. So there is “we”, as something whole, and there are “others”. When the two of us have disagreements, because each of us is an individual person, but when “we” enter into relations with “others”, there are no disagreements between us, in principle, because now “we” already form a single whole.

K.-S. Lewis makes the observation that jealousy in attachment is the wildest feeling.

And attachment in a contractual relationship is something else. In this case, people evaluate their relationship by comparing what they put in and what they get in return. The inequality of contribution and return leads to a feeling of anxiety: overestimation ("I get more") causes a feeling of guilt, underestimation ("the other side wins") - a feeling of resentment. The norm of reciprocity (“you - to me, I - to you”) determines the exchange of contributions. "Revealed" imbalances tend to lead to conflicts and problems.

Attachment: "I LOVE YOU", the feeling of unity, calm joy, stability and peace that everyone feels next to a potentially long-term partner, are supported by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.
D. Amen "The chemistry of love. Components of attraction, infatuation, affection and parting"

Therefore, one should distinguish between harmonious attachment (care, intimacy) for love and contractual attachment (care, intimacy) for need.

The ABC agency reported that 92-year-old Robert Wiands died on 08/28/13 at 0.45 am. At 4.45 pm on the same day, his 88-year-old wife passed away. “They never really parted. At the dinner table, they held each other's hand, ”says their daughter Barb Milton.
71 years without parting, holding hand, to raise five children (eighteen grandchildren) is a clear sign of harmonious affection. It can also be noted that love contributed to living for so many years.

Caring is anxiety and actions to ensure the well-being of another, it is a mutually beneficial, spontaneous exchange of personal psychological resources and values.
From a letter to the Club: "If my husband feels good, then I feel good. If he is sad, I feel responsible for it and I feel bad too. Then I feel anxiety, mental discomfort, sadness. This continues as long as he doesn’t feel better. I’m trying to make him feel better. If I don’t, I feel guilty. And he gets mad at me when I try to create a mood for him. He’s angry, angry as long as his mood begins to improve. After that I calm down, and my mood improves and by itself, without any efforts, everything starts to work out. It happens, and vice versa, my husband tries to raise my mood and he always succeeds, without exception. I succeed without exception. And then I can fully engage in business. " Lida

Intimacy , the Latin root intimus, means "innermost." Intimacy is associated with the understanding by one person of the deep inner qualities of the Other. This is a close, trusting relationship with a person, based on empathy, when each in a pair not only without fear shares with the Other his experiences, thoughts, ideas, but also with confidence to be understood and supported. This understanding is confidential and usually hidden from others.

Love is trust.
Marilyn Monroe

People's Artist of Bulgaria Biser Kirov: “I got married in my first year at the institute and have been happy with my wife for many decades. We have two children, grandchildren are growing up. I do not know a more decent, kind, understanding person than my wife. I go on tour a lot and from everywhere even from Cuba, even from Sakhalin I call home every day, sometimes twice. Our spiritual connection is never interrupted with her, I tell her everything and she tells me too. "

A. Maslow in his theory of "existential love" put "openness" in the first place. It manifests itself in intimacy and honesty between partners, naturalness and freedom of expression, exposure of their own shortcomings and mistakes, as well:
... there is defenselessness (lack of protection). People have no secrets from each other, and they do not seek to be a mystery to each other. They are not characterized by the idea of masculine and feminine principles, as opposites, their opposition.
... healthy love, or the love of a healthy, self-actualized person can be defined as a state of defenselessness, or, in other words, as a state of utmost spontaneity and absolute sincerity.

Deficient love and love of life A. Maslow. R.Frager, D.Fademan

Psychologist Sidney Jurard to characterize this component of love proposed the terms "self-disclosure" and "disclosure reciprocity", they in their own way emphasize its specificity. She believes that mutual self-disclosure contributes to the intensification of the development of intimate relationships: if this leads to an improvement in spiritual acceptance, harmonization is the path to love. If this causes anxiety, misunderstanding, concern, painful manifestations, the best continuation will be parting.

Happiness with a woman is possible only on condition of complete sincerity of spiritual communication.
M. bitter

L. Ya. Gozman, Yu.E. Aleshina, E.M. Dubovskaya identified eight parameters of intermarital communication that have a positive effect on the formation of successful relationships between spouses. They put in the first place:
1. Marital relations are the better, the more self-disclosure of spouses in the process of communication. This means that the husband and wife are in successful interpersonal communication can be sincere, trust each other the deepest and most cherished secrets, without fear of rejection and condemnation.
L.Ya. Gozman "Psychology of emotional relationships". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

"When a friend is near," wrote the ancient Roman philosopher Seneca, "it seems to me that I am alone and therefore free to say whatever I want."

Therefore, the stereotype romantic pop culture that a woman should be a mystery is only suitable for amorous hobbies - entertainment, and for finding love requires mutual disclosure. That is, we are again talking about the manifestation of selfhood, without which one cannot do in a trusting relationship.

According to the Gallup National Family Survey, 75% of married couples in which spouses pray together (and 57% of couples who do not) say they find their marriage to be very happy (Greeley, 1991). Among believing spouses, joint prayer is nothing more than a humble, confidential, self-disclosure coming from the very heart. Those who pray together are more likely to state that they discuss family issues together, that they respect their spouse and value him highly as a lover.

Substantive signs of the unfavorableness of marital relations obtained in the studies of V. Matyuz and K. Mikhanovich families in which tensions are:
1. Considerable difference in thinking on many issues and problems;
2. Poor understanding of the feelings of the other;
3. Speak words that annoy the other;
4. They often feel unloved;
5. Pay no attention to the other;
6. Feel an unmet need for trust
7. Feel the need for someone to trust;
8. Rarely compliment each other;
9. Forced to often give in to the opinion of another;
10. Wanting more love.

These three components affection, caring and intimacy (trust) are not exhaustive signs of love, of which there are naturally much more, they are key indicators that denote the territory, the space of love in its entirety. In this space of love, all-round comfort is formed: mental, intellectual, physical comfort. Therefore, there is always a desire to return from the "outer life" to love - an atmosphere of well-being and comfort, where the "recharging of soul batteries" - vital, creative potential takes place, after which there is a readiness, a feeling of security for new trips to the "outer life".

Based on three significant components, Zeke Rubin developed a "love scale".

To improve the reliability of the "love scale", you can add one more component to it. Sociologist, professor Anatoly Antonov, head of the Department of Family Sociology at Moscow State University, began to develop his “ruler” for measuring love back in the 60s, taking the method of semantic differential as a basis. As a result of surveys of thousands of family people, he came to the conclusion: when both spouses put the other's assessment above self-esteem, this is the ideal version of love. Those. when the three components of Z. Rubin are fully functioning, this leads to the corresponding gradation of the spouse's assessment and self-assessment opened by A. Antonov.

A. Antonov even developed such advice for a married couple in which the relationship "does not reach love", but there is a desire to achieve it: you need to lower your own self-esteem, an indicator of which will be a decrease in the level of claims, but not in relation to all people, but only in relation to a partner. And then love becomes possible.

One more facet of this feature can be distinguished. Psychologist Sandra Murray and her colleagues conducted a study in which married and loving couples took part, it turned out that the happiest of them (and becoming happier over time) are those who not only idealize each other, but rate their partner even higher than himself (Murray et al., 1996, 1997).

The root meaning of love ... is the recognition of another being's absolute meaning.

Love is important not as one of our feelings, but as the transfer of all our vital interest from ourselves to another, as a rearrangement of the very center of our personal life. This is characteristic of all love, but sexual love par excellence ...
V.S. Soloviev

The same sign of love E. Fromm not only singled out, but: "The most essential thing in love is the willingness to put the Other higher than himself, but not primitively, lowering his self-esteem, but globally, at the spiritual level, at the level of essence." ... The result was a connection: the theoretical discovery of one scientist was confirmed by the practical research of others.

The classic of Soviet psychology S.L. Rubinstein, using high style, as the level of the ideal, formulated this: “Love acts as an affirmation of human existence. Only through his relationship to another person does a person exist as a person. The most fundamental and purest expression of love, a loving attitude towards a person is contained in the formula and in the feeling: "It's good that you exist in the world." A person acquires his true human existence, because in the love of another person for him, he begins to exist for another person. Love acts as the strengthening of the affirmation of the human existence of a given person for another. The moral meaning of love (the love of a man and a woman) is that a person acquires an exclusive existence for another person, manifested in an electoral feeling: he is the most existing of all that exists. To enjoy the very existence of another person is an expression of love in its original and purest form. "

And here's how it looks in a simple, philistine presentation: “Not only can I not imagine my life without my wife, I feel terrified if such a thought flashed. Such a thought plunges me into horror, cold sweat, trembling: "God forbid." I can only interrupt this rush with the thought: "life will inevitably end, if only it does not end before mine."
People's Artist of Russia Ilya Oleinikov. He was buried on 11/14/12 at the Kazan cemetery in the suburbs of St. Petersburg.

Speaking about the "readiness to put the Other higher than oneself", one must remember the boundaries higher / lower and the interests of one's own and the Other. When one's own interests are more important than the interests of another, this is selfishness, when the interests of another are more important than one's own, this is altruism, the second is no less than the first, not love. Mutual addictions arising on the basis of egoism / altruism E. Fromm called "a symbiotic union as one of the forms of the pathology of love."

This questionnaire is used in various countries. For example, Usha Gupta and Pushpa Singh applied the Z. Rubin's love scale to a survey of 50 married couples with more than 5 years of marriage experience in India and found that those who married "for love" reported the extinction of love feelings. On the other hand, those who married for convenience noted an increase in the feeling of love compared to the period when they were newlyweds.

In Russia, this scale was changed and named, the questionnaire: "Scale of love and sympathy."

This chapter contains two modifications of Z. Rubin's test "Scale of love and sympathy", the first is the author's, the second below L.Ya. Gozman, Yu. Alyoshina. Conduct a subjective assessment of your relationship with your soul mate to determine your love by its components for you, and yours for him:

intimacy (trust);

Ask your inner world 2 questions (his to you and yours to him) for each of the components, give it time to process and, having felt the answers, rate them on a five-point scale for each component. If six fives is love, if less, then you need to figure it out additionally, maybe it's "love" or even pseudo-love, which can be perceived as sympathy.

The shortest test to determine your love was suggested by psychologist Sergei Eliseev:
"Honestly answer just one question: is your man getting stronger or weaker with you?"
S. Eliseev “How to find and maintain family happiness. Gender consultations of a practicing psychologist ”. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

But Friedrich Nietzsche thought that the love test would be more relevant if it was expanded:
"Love is the only thing that makes a man stronger, a woman more beautiful, a man kinder, a lighter soul, and life more beautiful!"

Z. Rubin made his contribution to the study of falling in love, he found that couples in love look at each other on average 85% of the time during a conversation! And in normal conversation, people look at each other no more than 30-40% of the time. This method of defining love was called the "Ruby gradation".

Take the Helen Fisher test to select the best partner hormonal compatibility.

And now this estimate can be checked with:

Questionnaire: "Scale of love and sympathy"

(Z. Rubin, modification by L.Ya. Gozman, Yu.E. Aleshina)

DESCRIPTION The test is designed to determine what prevails in a relationship: love or sympathy. Initially, the scales of love and sympathy of Z. Rubin consisted of 2 sets of statements, each of which included 13 items, then, as the methodology was developed, the number of statements was reduced to 9. When compiling the scales of the questionnaire, Z. Rubin proceeded from certain theoretical ideas about the inner structure of measured phenomena.

In particular, three components of love were considered important to measure: affection, caring, and the degree of intimacy of the relationship.
The scale of sympathy registers: the degree of respect, the degree of admiration and the degree of perceived similarity of the object of assessment with the respondent.

The final version of the methodology, adapted by L.Ya. Gozman and Yu.E. Aleshina, includes 14 points.

Love scale: 1,3,5,7,9, 11, 13.
Sympathy scale: 2, 4, 6,8,10,12,14.
Answers are scored as follows:
• answer "Yes" - 4 points;
• answer “Probably so” - 3 points;
• answer "It is unlikely that this is so" - 2 points;
• the answer “This is not so at all” - 1 point.
The scores for each scale are summed up.
Final marks can vary from 7 to 28 points.

Calculation of the total score on both scales gives the overall level of emotional relationships in the dyad (from 14 to 56 points).
INSTRUCTIONS: “The following statements are brought to your attention that apply to you and your spouse. For each statement, it is necessary to select the answer option that, in your opinion, is most consistent with the existing relationship with him (her).
Try to answer as frankly as possible. Don't take too long to think about any statement. And remember: there are no right or wrong answers. "

Answer options:
"Yes it is"; "Probably so"; "It is unlikely that this is so"; "It's not like that at all"".

Questionnaire text:

1. I feel that I can trust him (her) with absolutely everything.
2. When we are together, we always have the same mood.
3. I can say that he (she) belongs only to me.
4. He (she) is a very smart person.
5. For her (him) I am ready for absolutely anything.
6. In most cases, people like him (her) almost immediately after they meet.
7. When I feel bad, I only want to share with him (her).
8. I think that we with him (her) are internally similar to each other.
9. I feel responsible for making him (her) feel good.
10. I would like to be like him (her).
11. I am pleased to feel that he (she) trusts me more than others.
12. He (she) is one (one) of the most charming men (women) I know.
13. It would be very difficult for me if I had to live without him (her).
14. I am confident that he or she is good to me.

A source: Olifirovich N.I., Zinkevich-Kuzemkina T.A., Velenta T.F. "The psychology of family crises." SPb., 2006. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

Interesting about Valerio Albisetti writes love and falling in love - psychotherapist, psychoanalyst, professor, is one of the most significant figures in modern psychoanalysis.

This page is from the section ”The Psychology of Love”.

Articles related to the same topic:

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

Beautiful madness of conjugal love. P. Brueckner

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

History of the culture of love feelings. E. Pushkarev

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Sigmund Freud about love.

Sexual preferences of psychotypes.

Sexual compatibility of socionic psychotypes

Classification of psychosexual types.

Types of sexual constitution.

G. Eysenck and G. Wilson "How to Measure Personality".

L. F. Burlachuk "Dictionary of Psychodiagnostics"

Irina Zaitseva “Big book of tests. Get to know yourself and your loved ones "

M.A. Zemnov, V.A. Mironov “Do you know yourself. 80 popular tests "

Evgeny Ilyin “Work and personality. Workaholism, perfectionism, laziness "in tests

Irina Malkina-Pykh “Psychosomatics. Handbook of a Practical Psychologist "

Elena Tunik “Psychodiagnostics of creative thinking. Creative tests "

"Collection. The man of my dreams - who is he? Useful tests for women "

"Great encyclopedia of psychological tests"

and others.

Эрих Фромм

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми