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Disappointed with duality. E. Pushkarev

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Among knowledge, the main thing is knowledge of oneself and others. Among the skills - the ability to manage oneself and listen to others Psychotherapist V. Levy

Our site has already accumulated a lot of articles about a unique phenomenon of nature - socionic duality , which a person has not yet learned to use to the fullest.

About dual relationships, team. All articles

Articles are both enthusiastically laudatory and critical, skeptical. So that every reader can, after reading, decide on this interesting, extremely positive phenomenon. Links below.

"The dual relationship is the best, the most comfortable. They are the only thing a person needs, because they provide complete mental completeness . This is a relationship of complete agreement and mutual understanding. Partners who complement each other transmit when communicating, necessary, vital information. Protect the weak and sensitive places of the psyche and evaluate the strong, without demanding anything in return. See each other's difficulties and problems, help slightly and on time in difficult situations, willingly respond to suggestions and requests.

We are becoming different: more confident, more cheerful, kinder, more responsive, stronger, in a word, better, and life is emotionally brighter and intellectually richer. All secret fears, doubts, anxieties disappear. We find ourselves - true. We understand what comfort means - both external and internal, that the main thing is the comfort of the soul. Where does this comfort come from? In meeting the needs ".

A. Grechinsky , T. Pedan " Duality is a vital necessity"

“In a word, the dual is really that“ half ”, about a meeting that every socionist dreams of (a non- socionist cannot dream, because it is impossible to dream about something that you have no idea about!). In the existing dual dyad, people generally forget about, for example, what complexes are. There are no complexes! The duals are liberated, relaxed, confident in their relevance, in their need, in their usefulness (first of all, to the dual , and therefore to society)"

Ode to dual contact . Shulman

But in real life, as always, it is more complicated, more confusing, there is a place for reflection and choice.
The club received a letter from 48-year-old Nikolai, in which he described his life and recent relationships. He got married for "great love", after a couple of years, from which not a trace remained. During this time, a son was born. They had a lot of conflicts with my wife: they diverged, converged. We decided to give birth to another child as a way to strengthen the family .. A daughter was born, but she did not add harmony to the relationship. They began to live as it turned out, both loved children. During this time, Nikolai had two bright long-term loves, but it was not possible to build a more stable relationship from these loves. When their daughter graduated from high school, they divorced his wife. For the last few years, Nikolai studied and was fond of socionics. As a result, he met and began to live with a dual woman . He described that his life now is like insipid jelly. He feels sorry for this woman because he considers himself to be her protector: "Without me, she will be lost," otherwise he would have parted. Naturally I became disillusioned with both dual relationships and socionics. With longing he remembers bright, past love.
When Nikolai was asked to discuss the issue of psychological health, he and his girlfriend, he refused this and generally stopped all contact. A because Psychological health is a prerequisite for love.

One more letter.

Knowing about socionics and having checked several times that I was definitely Huxley, not without the help of people, I began to zealously search for a dual . Dating, forums, correspondence, meetings, unsuccessful acquaintances ... and then I met - a nice, attentive, pleasant young man. We talked, spent time together. (By the way, he was ideal for me in numerology and in astrology) But there is no attraction to him and everything, as I see it as a brother, is nice, but as a dear person - a brother ... Sometimes we talk on the phone and help each other in critical situations, it feels then the connection is not at the physical level, but this was not enough for me to start building relationships. As a result, I stayed with my old acquaintance and who has already become a family and, most importantly, a loved one - Robespierre! ... it still happens.

What can I say about our relationship with Robespierre - there are few points of contact. But there is a desire to strengthen and preserve our marriage. What I am working on with the help of socionics.

In another letter, Vika asks a question about her colleague dual : "Well, how can that be? I have given him a lift three times from work. And from him there are no romantic reactions :"
love relationship arose between the students of the duals. But he is a native Muscovite, and she is from Syktyvkar. For his mother, this is a terrible nightmare, an insurmountable social barrier.

This is, of course, not the whole list of claims to duals.

If we take a hundred of our duals , it will be such a different audience, there will be machine operators, artists, especially dangerous recidivists, cosmonauts, alcoholics, blue-blooded persons, vagabonds, academics, millers, tall basketball players and midgets, circus performers, blacks and Mongoloids, etc. ... Well, how to choose your love among them? And how does each of the couple understand this love?
Consider an artificial situation a man and a woman duals ended up on an uninhabited island as a result of a ship wreck and they need to fight for survival. If there is food and water on the island, of course, they will not only survive, but they will have a fairly comfortable spiritual relationship, which will be an important component of survival. But if they are saved, it is not at all so clear that they will have a happy family. And not because life in a family is more difficult than on a desert island, but because other laws are already in force in the family.
And let's start considering these laws with love. Love is a stable state (relationship and feelings) of exclusive acceptance, which has gone through serious nerve-costing stages of development, recorded both in the head and in the heart:

- Inception.
When each of the couple has a free heart, an active, active attitude (pattern) to gain a deep, intimate feeling. T. n. "willingness to love". The duals met, an attraction arose, and each made a conscious decision to move forward in the relationship.

- Development.
It is necessary to do a difficult job - lapping. The duals are very different in order to understand each other on the fly (it is for this reason that it is so difficult for them at the initial stage of a relationship), and all the beauty of understanding occurs in the process of communication, activity. Therefore, dual relationships, like all others, must develop, these are new habits, rhythm of life, social circle, etc. In some cases in dual families, spouses only after a few years of life together realize mutual love and understanding, which they did not feel at first.

In addition, from childhood, under the influence of our culture, both on the conscious and unconscious levels, romantic ideas about love and images of loved ones are built. And this strongly does not correspond to reality, all this must be comprehended, decisions must be made, mental costs must be made, until the complete annihilation of amorous illusions and fantasies.

In a dual relationship, people have the opportunity to fully reveal their potential inherent in their basic functions, finding mutual support and incentive for creativity and activity from each other.

From a letter to the Club. "Love is a miracle. This is a great gift to a person. But the point is not to be mistaken. I lived in a civil marriage for 2 years, and then suddenly I met my love. I gave myself up to this feeling completely and completely, I could not live without this person, I saw and he had the same feelings, his eyes shone with joy, abandoned her civil husband, so to speak, I thought everything, finally all obstacles were overcome, just me and him and our love . It took 2 months, my beloved's feelings subsided, he began to cheat on me, it was very painful, insulting, scary. In general, after another month I left, I could not look at all this. A year has passed, and only now it dawned on me that it was not love, but a wild passion (probably, the pheromones did their best :-)). Now I behave more carefully with men, or rather not with them, but with my feelings towards them. I try to evaluate what kind of emotions, whether it is really deep feelings or so, sympathy, affection or something else. I am very sorry that he left her husband, he is a good, kind person, but he has another now ... It is a pity, and I am ashamed in front of him that I acted so indecently. "Elsa.

For a successful life in a family, compatibility factors must also be considered:

spiritual ;
social role;

Spiritual compatibility is manifested as a coincidence, a semblance of life positions, value orientations, views on the world around us and their place in it, interests and motives of social behavior. Spiritual conformity or inconsistency is most often clearly recognized by spouses through life- meaning positions. The higher the educational and cultural level of the spouses, the more important spiritual compatibility is for them. Therefore, in life, tales of Cinderella and the handsome prince rarely end happily - the differences in cultural development and education of spouses are too great.
Family-role compatibility of spouses is acquiring special significance in our time, since the ideas about the roles that spouses should play in life together have become not so rigidly determined, therefore, ideas about what a "real husband" and "real wife" should be getting married can diverge sharply. And here the main thing is the consistency of family values, in matters of why the family exists, what it should bring to people who have entered into marriage.
Another aspect of family-role compatibility is the consistency of role representations of the functions of a husband and wife in the family. The spouses have to solve a difficult question: who is responsible for what aspects of family life. One of the most obvious signs of role inconsistency are conflicts around the distribution of the family load between spouses: the measure of everyone's participation in housekeeping, in raising children, in material support of the family, etc.
Research by American psychologists has shown that one of the main and most important factors in the success of a married life is the commitment of a husband and wife to the very institution of marriage, that is, the awareness of marriage, the family lifestyle as a value. It is clear that the main family values are given more time, effort, energy, but if these important values for one of the spouses are not realized, then this causes dissatisfaction with family life in general.
Family-role compatibility is greatly influenced by those patterns of behavior that have been learned in the parental family. And a big mistake is made by those young people who, until the last moment, postpone the acquaintance with the family of their future chosen one or chosen one. The relationship between parents, the way their family load is distributed, can tell a lot about the attitudes of the future husband or wife. I would especially like to draw your attention to the bouquet of intrapersonal conflicts of children who grew up in single-parent families, besides, there are more and more of them.

The concept of intrapersonal conflict, its features and classification. N. Loban.

Resolution of intrapersonal conflict.

From a letter to the Club of a man raised by the same mother. "... I can’t even imagine this, if I had a child, he would inevitably grow up with such a character as mine, and this is terrible. I live with my mother, she devoted her whole life to me, and I didn’t I can understand why? What did she do wrong, that such a moral monster grew up ? Yes, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t use drugs: but if this can be called virtues, then they are exhausted.
I am smart, interesting, broad-minded. Well, so what? I hardly talk to my mother, I am not interested in this, and I feel sorry for her. I don't want us to be closer: I look at people at work, they are almost all younger than me, but they have wives and children, and they are happy. I could not live like them, this way of life, it terrifies me . but they feel good, and I envy the fact that they can be happy. I cannot even theoretically apply all this to myself : And my inability to be happy with my wide range of interests and a fairly eventful life worries me. Such people become suicides : " Gleb, 36 years old.

When you get married, take a finished product, not a semi-finished product. M. Litvak

In addition to the samples of the parental family, family-role compatibility is influenced by the significant environment, occupation and work schedule of the spouses, their personal inclinations and preferences. Today role conflicts have become quite frequent and acute, as the economic realities of life have made their adjustment in traditional family roles.
The adaptation of spouses in terms of adaptation to each other is rather difficult, since it often requires a restructuring of the personality, correction of its inherent individual traits. Therefore, hastily contracted marriages, after a short period of acquaintance, are rarely sustainable. One of the most widespread illusions in the minds of people is " we will get married and I will re-educate him (her)!" Re-education of an adult is a very long and difficult process, and if we talk about a change in character, established individual traits, then it is generally unrealistic.
Harmony, the correspondence of the needs for intimate communication of one spouse to the capabilities of the other is the main meaning of sexual compatibility. According to the unanimous opinion of experts in family relations, sexual compatibility is generally attainable if all other compatibility is satisfactory. However, the inability to achieve it is a fairly common, albeit often hidden or unconscious, reason for the breakdown of a family. It should be borne in mind that sexual and emotional intimacy does not always accompany each other, one can give rise to the other, but this is not necessary. Marriages that are solely based on sexual harmony are rarely successful, but marriages where spouses experience sexual dissatisfaction are also fragile. According to A. Maslow , sexual intimacy brings true joy and satisfaction only in those cases when partners are close emotionally.

An overly flirtatious woman is frigid - all steam goes off. Psychotherapist M. Litvak

From a letter to the Club. "Reading all this is interesting, but how is it in life? Men use us, we use them. And in general you can't stop there. Suddenly, somewhere near you there is even greater love and you will be several times better with this person." I have changed before, I change now, and I will change.
Of course, I'm not saying that this is the right thing to do and that it should be done, but men act the same way in this regard, making us worse than them. You use him, he uses you. And if you enjoy sex, then why not do it. No one will be faithful to you until the grave. If I like a guy, externally and internally, then I easily go to bed with him, without hesitation. Just sex and no commitment. And to stuff my head with lofty concepts is not for me, these schoolgirls let their heads fool themselves". Dezzi

Almost never a marriage turns into a relationship based on mutual personal affection gently, without crisis.
C.G. Jung

We do not specifically consider psychological compatibility. we believe that the duals have the best.
If we imagine “love is a happy family” ( less than 15%) as a house, then duality is the foundation of this house . Walls are health, including psychological , if the foundation is strong and the walls are crooked, the house is not reliable. In Neftegorsk, during the earthquake, most of the houses were built like houses of cards, and all because they were built with gross violations. And some houses survived because they were built by conscientious builders. The roof of such a house is social baggage and knowledge, 95% of these are the norms and attitudes that a person receives in the parental family. Regularly in the news they show how in a certain village the roofs were blown off in a hurricane in several houses. In most of the roofs they survived, but in these houses they turned out to be weak - they were demolished. The foundation in the house is strong, the walls are strong, and the roof turned out to be weak, as in N. Kadysheva 's song : Uninvited pain knocked into the house,
In from she cursed love ...
And it is also called, the demon beguiled . Roman Abramovich was brought up without parents, naturally he received less love, warmth, care, inevitable sources of intrapersonal problems and conflicts. Entrepreneurial intelligence and talent allowed him to become a billionaire - an oligarch. For love, he married a flight attendant, while successfully managing Chukotka, they had five children. But "cursed love" destroyed his entire family idyll with many children - he got divorced.

The husband shouts from the doorway: Wife rather pack things, I won 10 million
- Vasya , what kind of things to collect for winter or summer?
- Collect everything and roll away from here ...
Anecdote _

Duality is an important guarantee of a future happy family, but situations are possible when "Bolivar will not stand for two." Without a foundation, a house is not stable, not reliable, but it is possible to build and build, as a result: “Now half of young families break up in the first year of life, two thirds - in the first five years, in 70% of families that have not yet broken up, spouses are in tense relations ..." V.M. Rozin.

Therefore, the beginning of marriage relations, including dual ones , requires harmonization, grinding in characters, habits, and without this there will be painful conflicts and divorces.

Spouses, professional socionics and duals Irina and Sergei Beletskiy wrote the book "Everyday life of dual relations", Introduction to this book and download link. In it, they provide valuable, practical advice.

Two more professional tips:

Dual pair and dualization of Hugo - Robespierre. V. Meged .

A description of other dual pairs and tips for their dualization can be found on the link on the page.

Correction of relations. A. Grechinsky, T. Pedan including duals.

As a result: duality is an expensive gift from nature and fate, but the more expensive the gift is, the more important is knowledge and ability to use it correctly.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

Still more examples that the very fact of duality does not guarantee a conflict-free, supportive relationship.

author of this book once had to observe a meeting of two duals , which ended almost deplorably. A strict, restrained, puritanically brought up logician at a house party was presented to a frivolous, greedy and rather unceremonious person, who, according to the psychotype , turned out to be his dual . She chased him all evening, made playful hints, pestered with conversations on the most empty topics, forcing him in the end to flee. "Is she really my dual ? - he asked me the next day. - Well , no!"
Obviously, the success of any relationship (including dual ones) is not least determined by upbringing: But the matter is not only in upbringing. Personal relationships are a special area, here a lot depends on the goodwill of the person himself. The situation, however, changes dramatically as soon as we turn to production relations. Here, whether we like it or not, we will have to put at the forefront the correspondence of the psychotype to the nature of the work: relations between people in production directly depend on this factor.
Let us imagine Zhukov as the head of an enterprise. Suppose he needs a secretary-assistant, whose duties would include organizing receptions of colleagues from other institutions, creating a comfortable, soft, pleasant atmosphere in the reception room of his rather tough boss, prompt him in time on how best to get around sharp corners, where it is better to start a conversation with opponent, in order to then achieve the desired result, etc. It is clear that in this case it is the dual that is appropriate , that is, a person who complements the weaknesses of the leader with his strengths (in this case, a referent of the Yesenin psychotype is needed).
But what if the same manager needs an employee whose duties would include introducing the company's products into other industries? Then it must be a punchy and energetic figure, that is, anyone, but not Yesenin. If, for purely formal socionic reasons, we propose to the director his dual , Yesenin, for this position, then, most likely, such a recommendation will cause an industrial conflict: an active and active Zhukov will hardly be satisfied with an overly soft, compliant, not very energetic and not very collected an assistant who is not at all suitable for the position of a pusher.
Or another example: suppose that the head of the design group is an employee of the psychotype Maxim. If the task of such a group is to develop a new engine, then his dual , Hamlet, will undoubtedly become a good addition to the leader-Maxim, since he is able to offer a completely new idea, look at the problem from an unexpected angle, and avoid trivial solutions. Maxim, for his part, will perfectly bring this work to a detailed drawing, organize the creation of a prototype, and debug the desired operating mode. This is also the case when partners effectively complement each other in a common work.
Now let's imagine what happens if Maxim, a worker on an assembly line, chooses a colleague of the psycho-type Hamlet as a partner? It is unlikely that Hamlet, capable of taking offense at some trifle and demonstratively leaving, will be appropriate here. In this case, conflict is also inevitable. So, we see that dualization in itself is not at all a guarantee of a good partnership, especially if one of the two is in the sphere of their weak functions (Yesenin is a pusher, Hamlet is a conveyor worker).
Source - Ekaterina Filatova "The Art of Understanding Oneself and Others"

Dual relationships

In a dual relationship, partners complement each other, communication is usually easy and relaxed, and joint work is pleasant, although a rather painful "grinding" is possible when building relationships. All spheres of activity in one way or another find themselves in the zone of strong functions of one of the partners, while they have common values (value functions) and the same life rhythm - both are rational or irrational . From the point of view of Model A , the software (basic) function provides information to the suggestive (suggested) function of the dual , the creative to the activation, the observational function controls the activity of the role, and the demonstrative (background) function covers the painful function of the dual . Dual relationships are considered one of the most favorable (primarily for serious relationships and long life together).
Source - Wikipedia

Dual relationships

Socionics assumes that when choosing a partner, any of the 16 intertype relationships can be realized in accordance with those vital tasks that are relevant for the partners at the moment. Moreover, none of them is worse than the SHTIRLITS-ESENIN conflict, which tradition offers us. Socionically competent partnership will not force a person to play other people's roles, for example, to present a conflict relationship as ideal.
intertype relationships in detail in this book, we will consider here only complement relationships as an example of possible cooperation of partners of various types.
All concepts of personality development presuppose a certain goal, a reference model of personality towards which one's efforts should be directed. In socionics, this is a dualized personality. In a vulgar interpretation, we are talking about a person who has found a partner of a complementary type, but of the opposite sex, which supposedly provides him with a comfortable and happy life automatically.
In fact, this is not true. Quite the opposite is true. Dualization is such a complete mastery of one's own type, such a developed tolerance to other types that it becomes really possible to productively coexist with a person of a completely opposite make-up, that is, with a dual , and without rivalry and destruction of one’s own and his personality.
This state does not come automatically after reading a socionic book. Its development requires not only knowledge, but also a lot of mental work. Our entire book has been written about this, but at the end it will not be superfluous to once again show concretely which approach will lead each of us onto the road of dualization and harmonious evolution, corresponding to our type.
As usual, only schemes of reasoning about the interaction of partners in complementary pairs in the light of model A are given here.Everyone can independently fill these schemes with specific content taken from his own life, if he is attracted by the development of those prospects of mutual understanding that socionics promises.
It is important to remember that the plots that are on the periphery of our interests are not insignificant for the rest of the world. Therefore, one should not displace these aspects of being from consciousness. On the contrary, we will try to show modesty and respect for people who are expertly versed in issues that are confusing for us - for our complementary partners.
Source - Lyubov Beskova, Elena Udalova
Lessons of socionics, or the most important thing that we were not taught at school"

This article is from the section "Socionics of love"

Related articles:

Essence love . E. Pushkarev

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Friendship + Love = Filia . E. Pushkarev.

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin

Dual relationships. A. Augustinavichute

About dual relationships, team. All articles

Ode to dual contact . Shulman

About dual relationships. V.M. Shlaina

P was fascinated by duality . E. Pushkarev

Dual pair and dualization of Hugo - Robespierre. V. Meged

The everyday life of dual relationships. I. Beletskaya

Dualization and sex : on the problem of the optimal choice of a life partner. A. Shiyan

Sexual compatibility of socionic psychotypes

Sigmund Freud about love. E. Pushkarev

All books on socionics from our library "Love, family, sex and about ..." are presented in the section "Socionics of love"

Эрих Фромм

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми