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Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

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Falling in love in all its diversity is one of the main topics of our site, several articles are devoted to them :

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev

If to eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-lovers. E. Pushkarev

I'm married, but I fell in love ...

I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

Poor quality falling in love. E. Pushkarev.

The rest are listed at the bottom of the page.

Determine the meaning of words, and you will save humanity from half of its delusions.
René Descartes

being in love We can learn a lot of interesting and useful things about falling in love if we look at it not from the standpoint of pop culture, but if we use the knowledge and devices that science provides. Let's first consider falling in love as a concept, then as a phenomenon that can be measured even in Africa, even in the Urals, and also how it differs from love and other pseudo-love feelings.

Falling in love is one of the forms of pseudo-love. "Erich Fromm about love".

In 1802, N.M. Karamzin noted that a new word appeared in the Russian language - "being in love". Therefore, the concept of falling in love, in comparison with love, which has been comprehended for about five millennia, is quite young.

Here's how dictionaries explain falling in love:

Falling in love is a strong positively colored feeling (a complex of feelings) directed at another person.

Falling in love is an acute emotional experience, attraction to the object of sexual choice. In contrast to a more constant and stable feeling of love, it tends to quickly saturate and fade Amorousness is an individual characteristic of a person, depending on the characteristics of his perception of a partner in intimate communication. At the same time, in the object of falling in love, mainly external, superficial features and qualities are distinguished.

Usually based on physical sensations accompanying, for example, touch - excitement, tremors, palpitations.

Usually destructive and paralyzes the will, forcing you to forget the realities of life.

Usually fleeting, if not supported by a sexual relationship, but having sex is an unreliable support.

Usually makes the partner idealize, constantly covering up all his shortcomings.

Selfish: you are only interested in what you can get.

Most often lives among young people and Don Juans.

Her usual start is the end of a previous relationship.

This is when it's boring without sex.

Usually not long-term.

Often uses another for his own purposes.

Falling in love is often called romantic love.

In our culture, a simplistic, romantic attitude towards falling in love prevails . This is how it looks in the statement of the American psychologist E. Hatfield, falling in love is a special form of emotional excitement, a state of uncontrollable desire to merge with a loved one. Positive emotions are evoked only in the case of mutual feelings, otherwise falling in love devastates a person. In this interpretation and in everyday consciousness, biological roots are completely absent, which are the main drivers of this state. Because of this, there is often a naive consumer attitude towards love as a gift from above.

But falling in love is the main mechanism of the procreation instinct and the psychophysiological processes characteristic of lovers have been developed over millions of years of evolution - says Doctor of Biological Sciences. Sergey Saveliev, i.e. long before the appearance of man. This means that all representatives of the animal world, including humans, experience natural falling in love.

Poll by the Public Opinion Foundation in 2004, “How many times in your life have you had to fall in love?” The respondents indicated: once - 33%, twice - 20%, three times - 13%, four times - 2%, five times - 3%, ten times - 3%, many times - 14%, did not fall in love - 10%, other - 2%.

Research by VTsIOM, Russians falling in love for the first time:
38% 13 - 16 years old
21% 17 - 19 years old
10% 20 years and older
9% 7 - 12 years old
3% in preschool age

Internet poll results: Are you in love at the moment?
46.5% - Yes! Yes! Yes!
14.6% - no (and happy about it)
14.2% - no (but I dream of falling in love)
9.8% - yes ... (but not mutually)
8.9% - my heart was recently broken ...
7.2% - I don't even know what it is

According to U. Kephart's data, college-age people have already fallen in love 6-7 times, of which, according to the respondents, twice, seriously. About half of people have been in love with two people at the same time at least once. Extreme values ​​were found to be associated with an insufficient level of emotional maturity.

In an American college study, 93% of both sexes reported that they had been rejected by someone with whom they were in love; 95% reported that they rejected someone who was deeply in love with them.

L.N. Tolstoy, in his novel “War and Peace”, described with documentary accuracy three significant fell in love of Natasha Rostova with Boris Drubetskoy, Andrei Bolkonsky, Anatol Kuragin, and only after that she found true love with Pierre Bezukhov.

The estate to which Natasha Rostova belonged provided her with prosperity and indolence, and this opened up access to the entire spectrum of love experiences and manifestations. And here is how Pushkin in Eugene Onegin (first third of the 19th century) describes these experiences in a girl from the lower class:
...- Tell me, nanny,
About your old years:
Were you in love then?
- And that's enough, Tanya! These summers
We Have Not Heard About Love;
Otherwise I would have driven out of the world
My deceased mother-in-law.
-Yes, how did you get married, nanny?
- So, apparently, God ordered ...

It exists as a natural love, it will be discussed below. Likewise, low-quality falling in love is a complex psychoemotional state, experiences therefore several articles are devoted to them.

Poor quality falling in love. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - eros. E. Pushkarev

Natural falling in love

Natural falling in love is the main mechanism of the procreation instinct, a complex, cyclically repetitive obsessive state of inclusion, the involvement of reproductive functions. It is characterized by hyperactivity of all six spheres of the psyche: intellectual, emotional, volitional, somato-vegetative, sexual, unconscious, as well as hypermobilization of physical activity. There is also a mobilization of a number of nonspecific psychophysiological manifestations. It arose in the course of evolution to provide a temporary bond of a couple in order to conceive offspring and feed them for the first few months or years of life, after which it annihilates (in humans, the average duration is six months, the maximum according to H. Fisher is 30 months).

Nature has measured all animals, including humans, for a state of falling in love for a limited time - as much as is needed for the success of reproduction.
Doctor of Biological Sciences V.R. Dolnik

Love is an irresistible passion that conquers the voice of reason, pushes people to sacrifice with its well-being, generates lofty works of art and ... suddenly disappears like a ghost. What mysterious force leads us into destructive sublime deception? This force is an invisible will, a sexual instinct.
A. Schopenhauer
How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-love. E. Pushkarev

If all previous centuries poets, writers, philosophers have been engaged in the study of love and falling in love, and we are already accustomed to a romantic, sublime description of these feelings, then since the last century anthropologists, psychotherapists, neuropsychologists, neurochemists, neuroendocrinologists, neurobiologists, neurohistologists and other professionals have learned a lot about these feelings using the latest biochemical methods and equipment fMRI - functional magnetic resonance imaging .

Dr. Peck believes: “Among all the misconceptions about love, the most effective and widespread is the idea that falling in love is also love, or at least one of its manifestations. This delusion is effective because falling in love is subjectively experienced as vividly as love. When a person is in love, his feeling, of course, is expressed by the words "I love her (him)." However, two problems immediately arise.
First, falling in love is a specific, sexually oriented, erotic experience. We do not fall in love with our children, although we can love them very much. We do not fall in love with friends of the same sex - unless we are homosexually oriented - although we can loyally care for them. We only fall in love when it is sexually motivated - it doesn't matter if we realize it or not.
Secondly, the experience of falling in love is always short-lived. Whoever we fall in love with, sooner or later this state passes if the relationship continues. I don’t mean to say that we will inevitably stop loving the person we fell in love with. But an ecstatic, stormy feeling, in fact, falling in love, always passes. The honeymoon is always fleeting. The flowers of romance will inevitably fade".
That falling in love is "a genetically predetermined instinctive component of mating. In other words, the temporary destruction of its boundaries, which allows the state of falling in love, is a stereotypical reaction of a human being to the configuration of internal sexual urges and external sexual stimuli that serve to increase the likelihood of mating and the emergence of mutual obligations in order to ensure survival of the species".

... love is basically still as animalistic as it was from time immemorial.
Z. Freud

Z. Freud declared: "I discovered that man is an animal." He meant, of course, human behavior, for the zoological belonging of man to the order of primates long before him was determined by Linnaeus and Darwin. And such statements required a lot of scientific and personal courage, because the assumptions about the animal roots of human behavior are still very much disliked by many people.
Therefore, no matter how a person wants to be different from other animals, physiology, anatomy, instincts, genes and scientists who study them, in every possible way emphasize our relationship. So in lovers not only sweating increases, but the composition of sweat also changes, the partner's apocrine glands function at the maximum, secreting pheromones - volatile sexual substances that stimulate emotional attraction. The increased activity of these glands is the first indicator of the inclusion of the program of falling in love, they begin to secrete about three times more pheromones, and double in size. This is especially noticeable in the group of glands located under the breast: in the first two to three months of falling in love, they increase so much that they can be felt. Therefore, girls who abuse hygiene and deodorants roughly interfere with the natural laws of attracting young people.

Returning from military campaigns, Napoleon wrote to Josephine: "Honey, I'm going home, stop washing ...". The emperor preferred the natural scent of his beloved woman.

And what in animals is called "a genetically predetermined instinctive component of mating", rut, "mating season", mating, etc. in humans is called falling in love, scientifically - "affective attraction". Affectus (lat.) - emotional excitement, passion. Attraction (English) emotional attraction between people, partial, temporary deviation from the norm, endogenous intoxication.

Falling in love belongs to the animal nature of man, love to his maturity.
Professor, psychotherapist V. Albisetti

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov has been studying love and being in love for many years. She described the results of these studies in her popular book Love and Limerence.

In English, unlike Russian, German (Verliebtheit), Ukrainian (zakokhanist), there is no word for "falling in love", "be in love", "erotic love", "romantic love". And D. Tennov for its designation suggested the word neologism "Limerence", it was chosen for reasons of euphony, and does not go back to any other word.

“The most striking mental states experienced by a lover include:

- obsessive thoughts about the object of love;

- an urgent need for reciprocal feelings from the;

- euphoria or high spirits in the presence of reciprocity;

- feelings, thoughts and actions are focused on to such an extent that other concerns (even very important ones) are ignored or neglected;

- a strong, almost delusional bias that distorts the perception of in love: this bias, as it were, increases the severity and importance of the positive qualities of, while minimizing the negative features of, referring them to neutral or even positive;

- sexual desire for;

- a reliable correlation was found between the state of falling in love and drug intoxication.

Falling in love is a psychophysiological phenomenon that arose in the course of evolution to provide a temporary bond of a couple in order to facilitate the conception of children and their feeding for the first few months or years of life".

While falling in love is more than mere sexual attraction, Tennov points out that:

- if there is no sexual desire, this is not real love;

- how the attraction between a man and a woman is described “This is not love. It is an evolutionary force that attracts someone who becomes more important than everything else. This is often called love ... But this is not true love".

Falling in love is accompanied by a state of intoxication falling in love, like any other intoxication, it causes an altered state of consciousness, a partial distortion of the perception of reality.

Neuroscientists define falling in love as "a dopaminergic goal-setting motivation for the formation of paired bonds, with the aim of conceiving offspring and feeding for several months or years of life":
- The activity of dopaminergic subcortical areas associated with the "reward system" (happiness, euphoria) is growing.
- The departments associated with sexual arousal are activated: the islet, the anterior cingulate cortex.
- The activity of the amygdala (fear, alertness), the posterior cingulate cortex, as well as the cortex, which are responsible for criticality and sobriety of judgments, decreases.
- Departments related to motivation, goal-setting (caudate nucleus) are activated.
- Areas of the cortex responsible for social cognition, concentration of attention and mental representation (image) of oneself are activated.

For comparison, philosophers speak of the same phenomenon:

«Between lovers, torn membrane of the self, and each sees the other as to itself, the intimate nature of its own, its else I'm not perfect, however, from the I own" .
P.A. Florensky

“Love as erotic pathos - in a higher and lower direction, all the same - does not look like love for God, love for mankind, love for parents and the motherland, for brothers and friends, - this is certainly love for physicality, and the only question is - for what? What, in fact, does love strive for in relation to corporeality: whether the same elemental facts of emergence and disappearance, the same hellish victory of ugliness, death and decay, are repeated in it endlessly; - or to inform the corporeal real life in beauty, immortality and incorruption? "
V.S. Soloviev

“And, nevertheless, this mighty energy is less than all passions controlled by man; apparently, the person feels too insignificant and weak in front of her. Like a savage who falls to dust before a thunderclap, a civilized man - to this day - groans and cries under his crushing storm, in his ignorant impotence he gives himself up to this force, which he considers above his reason and his will".
P. Mantegazza

And here are the terms in which the modern psychoanalyst describes falling in love:

“complete or partial loss of the sense of reality;

virtualization of the psyche, that is, the creation of a more or less stable system of illusions projected onto the object of love experience;

return to early infantile forms of behavior;

emotional instability and tendency to affective reactions;

sleep disturbance, high anxiety, that is, a clear imbalance in the system of the Ego's protective activity, manifested in everything: from the loss of a sense of humor to the breaking of the line of repression, the inability to forget the traumatic experiences associated with the object of love;

partial loss of self-identification and increased suggestibility;

narcissistic self-isolation, which often leads to a loss of social adaptation, etc.

From a therapeutic point of view, based on the analysis of the above manifestations, love should be understood as a variant of a borderline psychopathological state that combines the following features:

neurosis, that is, spontaneous defensive reproduction of the traumatic experience of early childhood;

the psychological reaction associated with the replacement of the adaptive model of the real world with an emotionally colored system of illusions derived from the object of love experience;

manic-depressive syndrome, the characteristic manifestations of which in the behavior of a lover are associated with an exacerbation of unconscious conflict between the system of adaptive defenses of a person, that is, his ego, and a set of primary identifications with parents, that is, his superego.

The fact that on its basis obvious psychotic manifestations can arise (schizoid forms of complete withdrawal into the world of fantasy illusions, the formation of an overvalued monoid in paranoia mode), depressive manifestations of an auto-aggressive nature (up to suicide), or various forms of destructive behavior. The obvious suffering of the person who has fallen into a love state is also evident, since the above-described set of disorders of the leading protective systems of the psyche indicates a severe mental trauma. The suffering of the patient in classical psychoanalysis is a criterion for distinguishing between norm and pathology".
V.A. Medvedev, President of the Professional Psychoanalytic Society (PPAO)

Paradoxes of love. V. Medvedev

Falling in love is like psychosis, when everything is very tense, acute, but, fortunately, it goes away with time.
It is also important to distinguish here: we are talking about falling in love, which usually lasts no more than six months and can be more saturated with acute experiences, or about love, which can be much longer, perhaps even a lifetime. Doctor of medical sciences Professor V.D. Moskalenko Valentina Moskolenko: the most important thing is not to strangle your loved one in your arms. V. Lukshina

VD Moskalenko “When there is too much love. Prevention of love addiction "
The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Professor Helen Fisher Professor of Anthropology at Rutgers University (New Jersey, USA) Rutgers Helen Fisher chemistry of love. They showed that different feelings: falling in love , love , pseudo-love disorders differ in neurological and biochemical characteristics from each other. But each is accompanied by an increase in specific hormonal levels and neuroactive chemicals.

Take the Helen Fisher test to select the best partner hormonal compatibility.

Falling in love is caused by an increased synthesis of a whole "hormonal cocktail": the most powerful doping dopamine, causes a feeling of happiness, phenylethylamine increases arousal, serotonin keeps emotions in a state of constant rise, norepinephrine creates a feeling of omnipotence. The hormone oxytocin has even been called the hug hormone.

Psychologist at the Australian NSW University (Sydney) Adam Guastella sprays his patient's nose with a spray containing oxytocin during counseling on family and marriage. “I believe that oxytocin helps improve the results of psychotherapy. Thanks to it, spouses open up to each other more during my consultations, and as a result, their relationship improves,” says Guastella.

He enters the blood in increased quantities when lovers touch, stroke, embrace tenderly. It evokes a sense of community, the phenomenon of "disappearance of the boundaries of the body" arises - the body of the beloved is perceived as part of her own.


“The mechanisms of“ romantic love ”are neurobiologically similar to those involved in drug and alcohol addiction, since both of these areas are part of the reward system in the brain - the dopamine system, which is associated with very focused attention, elation, energy, thirst, motivation". From an interview with H. Fischer.

The activity of the listed chemical agents in poetic language sounds like this: burning hearts, irrepressible passion, ardor of feelings, seething energy, a feeling of reunion, infinity, eternity, that the heat of the bird has grabbed the tail, and if orgastic sex effects are also added to this: unbearably pleasant, transcendental, divine sensations of unearthly joy.

The influence of the "hormonal cocktail" on the course of a passionate relationship can be illustrated by the dramatic relationship Abelard and Heloise (XII century). As a result of their stormy, passionate romantic relationship, a son is born. Eloise's uncle, deciding to take revenge on Abelard for the spoiled fate of his niece, hires criminals who emasculate him. After which Abelard sharply grows cold towards Eloise as a woman and encourages her to go to the monastery and does the same himself. After 26 years, Abelard is the abbot, Eloise is the abbess, the abbess of the monastery writes to him: “You were connected with me not so much by friendship as by lust, not so much love as by the fervor of passion. And now, when what you wished for stopped, at the same time those feelings that you expressed for the sake of these desires disappeared".

Abelard: "... they took revenge on me in the most cruel and shameful way, which caused general amazement: they mutilated those parts of my body with which I did what they complained about ..." He calls Eloise to the only correct love for God and repentance ... After which he became a true and righteous abbot, and for Abbess Eloise these "parts of her body" functioned like a healthy woman. Eloise: “Indeed, the pleasure of love, which we both indulged in in the same way, were then so pleasant for me that they can neither lose their charm for me, nor even in the least disappear from my memory. Wherever I go, they are everywhere in my eyes and arouse my desires. Even in my sleep, these dreams do not spare me. Even during solemn divine services, when prayer should be especially pure, sinful visions of these pleasures so overwhelm my unfortunate soul that I am more devoted to these abominations than to prayer. And instead of lamenting what I did, I often sigh about what was not done. Not only what we did with you, but even the places and minutes of our deeds, along with your image, were so deeply imprinted in my soul that I seem to relive all this and even in a dream I have no rest from these memories".

The result of this cruel medieval experiment is: there is a full functioning of the hormonal system, there is a passionate man, if there is none, there is a true monk.

Dramatic love of Abelard and Heloise

Angels call it heavenly joy, devils call it hellish torment, people call it love.
G. Heine
And Dr. Morgan Scott Peck and other professionals call it falling in love.

Revealed H. Fisher's various love systems are independent of each other and can function both separately and simultaneously, causing a whole jumble of feelings and experiences. H. Fischer explains this: “You can feel deep affection for your spouse with whom you have a long-term relationship, and at the same time feel romantic feelings for the other, feeling sexual attraction regardless of your partner. This independence means the ability to experience simultaneously love, falling in love, sexual attraction to several people - a situation that leads to jealousy, adultery and divorce. But at the same time, due to the possibility of multiple sexual relations and polygamy, such behavior increases the likelihood of the birth of more children and thereby increases the future gene pool". As H. Fischer notes: "... we were created not for happiness and beautiful romantic relationships, but for reproduction".

The Club has already been asked several times with questions about how to determine that I have fallen in love: “My friends said, and I heard on TV that with real feelings a heart should skip. How to determine that it skipped a beat? or How does a heart beat correctly? "

And here's how:

Sandervith believe that unusual mystical states are caused by chemical agents-mediators, which in their effect are superior to phenylethylamine and endorphins, they are similar to the well-known synthetic psychedelics (substances that cause complex mental disorders). Most likely it is similar to the drug 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA), commonly referred to as ecstasy.

Impossible, incredible, supernatural, incomprehensible,
How to call you a feeling new until yesterday unfamiliar,
From something suddenly a dizziness, for no reason, no reason like an eclipse,
I seem to be falling into hysterics, I am rushing from coast to coast.

Do you hear, the heart is beating, it beats on the temples with a high frequency,
It can be seen to burst, it will burst in half,
Do you hear, my heart whispers quietly, quietly stirring my blood
Do you hear, my heart asks, call me love,
(Still, it is necessary to clarify both for the poet and for our entire culture, this is not love, but falling in love, but beautiful).

Weightless, extraordinary, sometimes tropical, sometimes polar,
Unsolved, incomprehensible, this feeling came unexpectedly,
And attraction does not work, the law of gravitation is useless,
Obviously, on the verge of madness, my heart is like the crater of Vesuvius,
Song "Call me love"

And here is a description of the same state, but in prose. From a letter to the Club". I am 18 years old. I met a girl a year ago in my 1st year, it was a new team, naturally a lot of acquaintances. And Marina was one of them. At first, I practically did not communicate with her, the usual routine phrases. And he didn't feel anything for her. At the end of the 1st course, we gathered in a group for nature, that day I just hugged her, an ordinary, duty hug and my heart began to pound, although I will remind you that until this moment I did not feel anything for her at all and never remembered. The next day, at the lectures, I sat down with her at the table and my hands began to shake, my heart pounded. I began to think about her often, began to try, to look for an excuse to meet, to communicate. From every meeting and communication, my soul sang and soared high above the ground. Vitya".

“Romantic love in its beginning I am a drug addiction ... It certainly has the main characteristics of drug addiction - just as it happens with drugs, when a person falls in love with someone, that person he needs more and more <...>. There are other coincidences with real addiction: personality changes, withdrawal syndrome". From an interview with H. Fischer

Lovers act on each other as a pain reliever. There was a study in which fifteen lovers participated, whose relationship lasted nine months. They were examined using an fMRI machine, subject to thermal pain stimuli of varying intensity. In this case, the subjects were shown photographs. Photos of friends had no effect on pain. But the photographs of the lovers did reduce the pain: upon presentation, the reward system, including the nucleus accumbens, the amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex, was activated. Drugs have the same property.
L. Young, B. Alexander “The Chemistry of Love. A scientific view of love, sex and attraction". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Italian scientists in biochemical studies have found that the blood of a lover loses up to 40% of the protein, which helps to ensure the exchange of information in nerve cells. They have developed a methodology that can establish the fact and degree of a person's love. This requires only a drop of blood for analysis. If a lack of proteins and its magnitude are found, not only the fact of falling in love, but also its degree will be determined.

Lovers - amantes and crazy - amentes in Latin differ only in one letter.

Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega y Gasset called falling in love "an abnormal state of attention that is manifested in a normal person."
Another sign of falling in love:
"... pure voluptuousness goes ahead of its object."

And here is Sigmund Freud's version:
"It is clearly not far from being in love to hypnosis. The correspondence of both is obvious. Also humble submission, compliance, lack of criticism both in relation to to the hypnotist, and in relation to the beloved object. The same preoccupation own initiative, there is no doubt that the hypnotist took the place of the "Ideal I. "In hypnosis, all relationships are even more distinct and intense, so that it is more expedient to explain falling in love with hypnosis, and not vice versa".

Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki of University College London have discovered areas of the brain that are activated when a person is in a state of love. Scientists recruited students who were "head over heels in love" to the study, scanned their brains and analyzed the structure of brain activity.
The results were interesting. First, only a relatively small area of ​​the human brain is involved during the period of falling in love - in comparison, say, with the situation of ordinary friendship. "It's amazing," the scientists conclude, "that it takes such a small part of the cerebral cortex to create a real storm of feelings." The second surprise is that the part of the brain "struck" by falling in love includes areas, one of which is responsible for instinctive feelings, while others generate euphoria, similar to that caused by drugs. Thus, the state of the brain of people in love differs from the state of the brain of people experiencing other strong emotions, and rather resembles the brain of a person drugged with a drug.
French psychologist J. Mazonneuve studied numerous artistic and autobiographical descriptions of love and friendship and identified the qualitative differences between "love" and "friendly" time and space. "Love" time seems to people to be fast flowing, changeable, devoid of duration. This is "the time when time is forgotten", its rhythm is determined by the "beating of hearts". Life, everyday life seems to flow past the lovers. That is why the expression "Lovers do not watch the clock" has become popular. The "friendly" time looks calmer and more homogeneous.
Falling in love is not just an increase in emotional tone, it is a creative, intellectual general psychophysiological rise in the whole body. For several months, the lover is in a state of hyperactivity in all six spheres of the psyche: intellectual, emotional, volitional, somato-vegetative, sexual, unconscious. Modern research has found in lovers a pronounced increase in immunoglobulins - blood proteins that cause resistance to infections. Erythrocytes, which are oxygen carriers, are also increased. Avicenna and Paracelsus wrote that during the period of falling in love, people practically do not get sick, but today we know what are the mechanisms of such an improvement in health.
Falling in love improves the course of chronic diseases: R. Levant studied the condition of more than 100 young women suffering from diabetes since childhood. During the period of falling in love, they had a decrease in the amount of sugar in their blood, the loss of vision stopped, and an improvement in other functions was observed. W. Brooks studied about 250 young people with peptic ulcer, and almost all of them in the period of love showed not only a decrease in symptoms (pain, heartburn, heaviness in the stomach), but also reliable scarring of the ulcer, proved by computer analysis of X-ray images.
During the period of falling in love, almost complete disappearance of previously existing neurotic disorders occurs. Young women often have neurotic symptoms - phobias, depression, hypochondriacal disorders, of which the most common, of course, phobias are fears. A girl may not enter the subway or elevator for years, but as soon as she falls in love, these fears disappear like a dream. The feeling of falling in love decreases - the symptoms reappear, but often in a significantly weakened form. In some cases, the symptoms disappear completely and permanently.

When we talk to our beloved, we change our tone of voice, and this is what both men and women do. This was discovered by psychologists from Albright College, Pennsylvania. In the first seconds, experts determined who the lover was talking to, not using the meaning of the spoken phrases for this, but focusing only on the change in tone. Two seconds and the phrase How are you? turned out to be enough to guess with a probability exceeding random who the participant was talking to. The voice during the conversation with the beloved was perceived by the experts as especially pleasant.
Then the researchers found that the lovers adjust to each other: in women, the tone of voice becomes deeper, and in men it is higher. Thus, sympathy is expressed on the sonogram as a desire to be as similar as possible.

Lovers have the ability to transmit their emotional uplift and their health, increased resistance to stress and infections to people with whom they constantly communicate, they are close for a long time - first of all, to colleagues at work. Those who communicate with a lover on a daily basis also increase their health indicators. American psychotherapist D.Little compared the incidence of influenza during the fall-winter season in two large departments of the famous New York Bank. Each of them employed about forty people of the same age and social status, but in one there was a couple in love (at the peak of their feelings), and in the other - not. For six months, thirty-two people were ill in the second department, in the first - only five. Of the patients in the second section, three were sick with a severe form of infection and were hospitalized, in the first, not one was hospitalized. By April, the average concentration of immunoglobulins (antibodies) in employees of the first department was twice that of the second.
Similar studies were carried out in England and France, and the results were the same: those who are with lovers for a long time become healthier, and this recovery is stronger, the brighter the lover "burns".
For several months, truly wonderful transformations take place with lovers, little-sex women. The pleasure that they receive from intimacy significantly increases, orgasmic discharge appears or intensifies. And they master all new forms of intimate life easily, naturally, in one breath, without any resistance.
Research by D. Bancroft, K. Marx showed that out of several thousand studied orgasmic women, more than 90% loved morning sex only during the period of falling in love - the first 2 - 3 years of marriage and never loved him either before or later.

... I think that in the modern world ninety percent of what is associated with the word "love" is fiction. Why? Yes, because we are humans only by a few percent, that is, exactly as much as the cortex occupies in the total volume of the brain. Everything else is the limbic system inherited from reptiles. It is she who is responsible for sexual behavior, that is, for love.
When the cortex is inactive, and only the limbic system is turned on, the brain consumes nine percent of the energy, but when the cortex is turned on, the brain already needs twenty-five percent. Moreover, the brain pays for the silence of the cortex with the release of endorphins - a kind of organic drug. Not thinking is profitable and insanely pleasant. When we have before us the choice between rational activity and "pipiskin jumping", the choice is made, of course, in the direction of pipiskin. This is an eternal balance between the two systems - the ancient and the rational.
Professor, Doctor of Biological Sciences. S. Saveliev

In lovers, such qualities as "clairvoyance" and telepathy are also manifested, although they have been described many times, but have not yet been sufficiently studied. From the novel by Leo Tolstoy "Anna Karenina". "When they got up from the table, Levin wanted to follow Kitty into the drawing room; but he was afraid that it would be unpleasant for her ... He remained in the circle of men, taking part in the general conversation, and, without looking at Kitty, felt her movements, her looks and the place she was in the living room".
"He now knew that one thing was important. And this one thing was first there, in the living room, and then it began to move and stopped at the door. door with Shtcherbatsky and looked at him". From the diaries of Leo Tolstoy it is known that these states were not invented by him, they were taken from personal experience.
Goethe pondered a lot about these parapsychic properties. He was convinced: “There are states when the tentacles of our soul are stretched beyond its bodily boundaries ... Each of us has electric and magnetic forces that, like a real magnet, attract or repel something ...
... This magnetic force is very great and works even at a distance. In my youth, it often happened that on a lonely walk I was suddenly seized by an attraction to my beloved girl, I thought about her for a long time, and then it turned out that she really met me".
Also, Mark Twain, in his articles on telepathy, and other writers - Charlotte Brontë, I.S. Turgenev, I.A. Bunin, A.I. Kuprin, D. London, S. Zweig.
This unusual property of lovers was even reflected in proverbs. "Love does not look, but sees everything"; “The heart gives a message to the heart”; "The heart feels the heart"; "Where the heart flies, there the eye runs."

There is such a form of idealization as "vision aberration" or "object revaluation". This is how V.V. Rozanov notes this: "... the lover sees, in fact, not a specific person, but, as it were, the angelic side of a specific person, his double, and his best, heavenly double." And here are some more figurative descriptions of this affect:

When Levin fell in love with Kitty. “For him, all the girls in the world are divided into two sorts: one sort is all the girls in the world except her, and these girls have all human weaknesses, and the girls are very ordinary; another sort - she is one, without any weaknesses and above all human".
L.N. Tolstoy

Love looks through rose-colored glasses of illusions and delusions about the object of love, in which copper is surrendered in gold, poverty - wealth, and mouse eyes - pearls.
M. Cervantes

We wrap our beloved in bunches of crystals and see our dream, not a person, throughout our passion.
A. Stendal

Under the influence of the above-described endogenous drugs, changes occur at the level of the global "worldview" of the individual, the perception of the inner and outer world, a person passes into another reality of the picture of himself and the world. These ecstatic, extrasensory, summit phenomena of experience in psychology have given the name "the trap of falling in love":

is a recognition trap. It sounds like this: “As soon as I met you, I immediately felt that I was looking for you. I recognized you at once ”;

is a trap of infinity of time. It sounds like this: “We have known each other for only a few hours, (minutes, moments), but it seems to me that I have known you all my life”;

is the reunion trap. It sounds like this: "When I am with you, I feel like a different person, I gain what I have long lacked in my life";

is a necessity trap. It sounds like this: "I can't live without you!" Lovers are so absorbed in each other that they do not imagine their separate existence possible. This can be compared to how a newborn cannot live without a mother;

is the trap of the eternity of feeling. It sounds like this: “I am sure of the eternity of our feelings”;

is a deification trap. It sounds like this: “Yes, you know how extraordinary he is. To any doubt, beloved: "Yes, you just do not understand anything in people";

- trap "first love" . It sounds like this: "My feeling for you flashed again with the same brightness." But as Nancy Kalish, a professor of psychology at the University of Sacramento, warns: "Never look for your first love: 62% of searches end up in the destruction of marriage and family."

Here's how L.N. Tolstoy describes Natasha Rostova's experience of falling in love with Anatoly Kuragin:

“Three days,” Natasha said. - I think I have loved him for a hundred years. It seems to me that I have never loved anyone before him. You cannot understand this. Sonia, wait, sit here. - Natasha hugged and kissed her.

- I was told that it happens and you heard it correctly, but now I just experienced this love. This is not what it used to be. As soon as I saw him, I felt that he was my master, and I was his slave, and that I could not help but love him. Yes, a slave! What he tells me, I will do. You don't understand this. What am I supposed to do? What am I to do, Sonya? - Natasha said with a happy and frightened face".

Then she made an attempt to escape with Anatol Kuragin from the parental home.

It should be recalled, only that Natasha was experiencing a stormy mutual love for Prince Andrei Bolkonsky and was already engaged to him. And even earlier, she experienced an exciting "first love" with Boris Drubetsky.

Another artistic version of experiencing the trap of falling in love, M.A. Bulgakov "The Master and Margarita":

“She turned from Tverskaya into an alley and then turned around. Well, do you know Tverskaya? In Tver were thousands of people, but I promise you that she saw me alone and looked not something that anxious, but even as painful. And I was struck not so much by her beauty as by the extraordinary, unseen loneliness in her eyes! Obeying this yellow sign, I also turned into an alley and followed in her footsteps. We walked silently down the crooked, boring alley , me on one side and she on the other. And there was, imagine, not a soul in the alley . I was tormented because it was necessary to talk to her, and I was anxious that I would not utter a single word, but she would leave, and I would never see her again ...

And, imagine, she suddenly spoke:

- Do you like my flowers?

I distinctly remember how her voice sounded, rather low , but with breakdowns, and, stupidly enough , it seemed that an echo struck in the alley and reflected off the yellow dirty wall. I quickly went over to her side and, approaching her, answered:

- No.

She looked at me in surprise, and I suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, realized that I had loved this particular woman all my life! That is so a thing, eh? Are you crazy, of course?


Love jumped out in front of us, like out of the ground pops a killer in the lane, and struck us both at once!

This is how lightning strikes, this is how the Finnish knife strikes!

She, however, later claimed that this was not so, that we loved each other, of course, a long time ago, not knowing each other, never seeing, and that she lived with another person, and I was there then ... with this one, like her ...".

In lovers experiencing their violent feelings, both all of the listed signs and only some of them may be present, it all depends on the degree of involvement in this feeling and at what stage the love is.

In a laboratory setting, when performing the same actions, lovers talk to each other twice as much and spend eight times more time looking into each other's eyes than people with formal relationships.

Spring is traditionally considered the time of the beginning of new love. According to the head of the clinical department of borderline disorders of the Moscow Research Institute of Psychiatry, Yuri Polishchuk, in March and April - namely, the spring aggravation occurs in these months - the number of patients in psychiatric hospitals increases by one and a half, or even two times. The reasons for the spring exacerbation of mental illness and exacerbation of feelings are the same. Changes in the length of the day, an increase in solar and geomagnetic activity plus vitamin deficiency lead to a decrease in the protective properties of the body, including the nervous system. In men, the level of sex hormones - androgens, in the blood rises by 1.5 - 2 times, in women the hormonal surge is less. From such loads, someone falls into a feeling of love, and someone becomes depressed. If spring ends, the exacerbation will end. Artists also agree with psychiatrists, here is how they explain it - Nikolay Noskov:

Gives the sky ultramarine
Adrenaline fries the body
Here she came spring, like paranoia
A fuse hit the chest of love, there will be an explosion,
Here she came spring, like paranoia,
The spring signal sounded:
All to the detachment
Oh - oh paranoia!
Oh - oh paranoia!
couple in love
From the song of Anna German:

The time is coming
Birds come from the south.
The snowy mountains are melting
And not to sleep
The time comes, people lose their heads
And this time is called spring
Therefore, the trigger for falling in love is not a vivid image that “kindled the fire of emotions”, but increased synthesis, first of sex hormones, which already leads to the synthesis of a whole “hormonal cocktail”: the development of a genetically predetermined unique mode of switching on the psychophysiological program of the whole organism. And after the endogenous neuroactive chemicals “spread through the veins”, they cause “languor of the flesh”, “sensual thirst” (in scientific language, sexual frustration), thereby inciting the psyche to choose the object of love and intercourse.

Dr. Robert Sternberg, a psychology professor at the University of Kansas, argues that men and women misinterpret the spark that flares up between them. Under his leadership, a study was conducted of 1459 representatives of the stronger and weaker sex at the age of 18 to 45 years. Participants talked about how they got to know partners, how long the relationship lasted, and how it ended, or even lasted.
In 92% of cases, newly-met couples were firmly convinced that this was love at first sight.
In 13% of episodes, the attraction to each other received a serious continuation after a year of acquaintance. The rest of the couples parted after a maximum of a month - two intimate meetings. Sternberg is convinced that certain characteristics of the physical factors that push people into embrace are mainly lust.

Fans of romantic love describe this situation in a standard way: "we met our eyes, and, bam, a spark slipped through and lit a passionate fire." And here is how L.N. Tolstoy in The Kreutzer Sonata. Pozdnyshev's story about his wife's tragic romance with Trukhachevsky, which never flared up: “From the first minute he met his wife's eyes , I saw that the beast sitting in both of them , in addition to all the conditions of the situation and the world, asked:“ Can I? " - and answered: "Oh yes, very much." I saw that he had never expected to meet in my wife, in a Moscow lady, such an attractive woman, and was very glad of this. Because he had no doubts that she agreed. The whole question was so that the unbearable husband did not interfere". L.N. Tolstoy, not knowing anything about the "hormonal cocktail" yet, offered his figurative explanation: "the beast sitting in them" starts amorous relationships.

... why do we fall in love with this or that person, I began to look in neurology. I studied the literature for two years and became more and more convinced that each character trait is associated with one of four hormone systems - dopamine / norepinephrine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen / oxytocin. This pattern was found not only in humans, but also in monkeys, pigeons and even lizards.
H. Fisher

it is more difficult for a person through the implementation of a greater variety of rituals, social norms, rules, with the active intervention of literature and the media.

The leader of the Great French Revolution, Mirabeau, while imprisoned in 1789, wrote his beloved Sophie 30,000 passionate lines of letters, leaving prison he quickly lost interest in her.

In our culture, beautiful, bright courtship is considered a sign of great love. In one of the talk shows, the presenter always asks the heroine the question: "How did he courting?" And according to the "beauty" of courtship, this is already determined by true love or simply passion.

A friend of mine spent two years getting to know each other first and then building a relationship with a beautiful stranger. He calculated situations, how best to arrange "random" meetings, thought over what to "accidentally" talk about. He tried very hard both with flowers and with gifts - and the fortress was taken.

Imagine the disappointment of a friend when he saw that this body was not at all such a soul as he thought, and that this soul was not at all the heart that he was looking for. This does not mean that she turned out to be a bitch who is only interested in material goods and not an obvious selfish, self-centered woman, she was a normal woman, but her whole inner world turned out to be alien to him. After three months of close relationship, they had nothing to talk about. The candy-bouquet stage was over, and the next stage in the development of relations did not begin, boredom began. For more than two years he conquered a fictional image of himself, the ideal of his heart, which he artificially connected with an outwardly pretty and mysterious woman at first. Two wounds fell on two hearts. One is disappointment in unrealizable dreams, the other is the pain of separation from a person who has barely met.

From the point of view of an anthropologist, man is, first of all, one of the representatives of the order of primates. Very unusual, with a lot of intriguing features, including behavioral ones. And the sphere of breeding and courtship is especially bizarre.
H. Fisher

Another sad story. Konstantin Simonov met Valentina Serova when he divorced, and she divorced, she had a son. After meeting, she treated him coldly. He courted her for a long time, won. He wrote poems dedicated to her, these poems were published, and the whole country knew about his feelings. There were many women who were jealous of her. After they began a relationship, he learned that she loved expensive wines. After a glass of wine, she became spontaneous, cheerful. Simonov often went on business trips and brought good wine from them, sometimes even a whole box. So Valentina got involved in relieving stress and fatigue with wine, which later turned into alcoholism. They divorced 16 years later. There remained a daughter, Masha, whom Simonov loved very much. He brightly, violently sought and beautifully courted, wrote many poems, and it all ended in a banal divorce, burdened by Valentina's drunken alcoholism.

The mother teaches her daughter: “In a month you will fight: he is like that and you are like that. Only girls like marriage, there is nothing good in it. I experienced it myself, I know".
"Before the wedding" A. Chekhov

A. Chekhov conceived the novel "On Love". For many months he wrote, then crossed out something, abbreviated it. As a result, only one phrase remained from the novel: "He and she fell in love, got married and were unhappy ..."

Today there is sufficient statistical material that in most cases they do not fall in love with someone with whom love is possible, harmonious family relations. And in someone who was nearby during a hormonal attack.

Somewhere in our unconscious there are images - phenotypes, they are collective. They may include the traits of parents, relatives, acquaintances, neighbors, a variety of fetishes. Anything with which our memory is connected with vivid, dramatic, pleasant or unpleasant, like trauma memories. These images act as a template. Psychology professor John Moni suggested calling this template "a map of love", Carl Jung called it an imago, and they "gather dust" in the unconscious for the time being. This time is the hormonal surge “the time has come”, an energetic rise. And as soon as a person meets a certain ready-made template, a click, the mechanism of falling in love enters the next phase of event development.
The content of images, as a rule, is unconscious - that is, what they are about and who is there - is inaccessible to consciousness. With whom a person will fall in love, he does not know, but does not know, because he does not understand himself, does not know himself. Therefore, love, being in love, and are perceived as a "gift from above" or "fate" or "hand of fate", etc.

D. Jedlichka in his study of 7000 married couples found that the likelihood of similarity of one of the partners with a parent of the opposite sex was higher than theoretically possible with a random choice.

D.U. Glenn and P.T. Barrett found that children from ethnically mixed marriages prefer to choose a partner from the ethnic group of the parent of the opposite sex; that, people are more prone to alliances with those who are physically more similar to the parent of the opposite sex.

Psychologist David Perrett of the University of St Andrews and his colleagues found that many people like people who have the same hair and eye color as the parents of the sympathetic person.
“We found that women born to“ old ”parents (who were over 30 years old) are not very attracted to young people. They are much more attracted to mature male faces. This is how they differ from women born to “young” parents (parents are less than 30 years old). And men preferred female faces, both externally and in age, similar to those of their mothers, and only for long-term relationships".

We do not choose each other by chance ... We meet only those who already exist in our subconscious.
Z. Freud

Cognitive statements of Z. Freud.

We consciously manage only a small part of the plans and programs of human behavior (according to some data, only 6%). 94% of the software in our brain - the computer is in the unconscious. Doctor of Psychology, Doctor of Philosophy. n. S. Kovalev

Falling in love is an unusual and complex phenomenon, not everything in it is only with a plus sign. A special state of consciousness - falling in love - is characterized by violations, first of all, in the field of logical thinking. The most important of these violations is idealization - ascribing to his chosen one some supernatural virtues, human and intellectual qualities. The beloved (beloved) seems unusually kind, sensitive and caring, intelligent and discerning. The ability to build plans for the future is impaired, it is seen simplified, or rather infantile. The logical advice of relatives, more often relatives, is not perceived. All these mistakes are made with the absolute confidence of their own righteousness and feelings.
Falling in love is not only a spiritual uplift, it is also mood swings among lovers during quarrels, and the consequences of conflicts are unpredictable and the most difficult.
S. Forward, who carefully researched two thousand young married couples, proved that the most unfortunate choice was made by those who got married at the peak of love - three to four months after the occurrence of this feeling and the beginning of sexual life together: 40% of they divorced a year later, another 30% - after two, and by the end of the third year, only 20% of couples were married. Of those who got married two or more years after falling in love, more than 80% remained husband and wife five years after the wedding.

The Church teaches: For every family there is one very important law - future husband and wife will begin to get to know each other, and each will inevitably see weakness in his half. So you should know the shortcomings of your beloved or beloved even before the wedding. If you see only a shining halo, then you have not yet sufficiently recognized your soul mate.
The Church generally believes that it is impossible to marry for love. Love is nurtured in marriage.

Lovers who are at the peak of these wonderful experiences are unable to imagine that excitement, euphoria, strong emotional attraction and gluttony for each other can someday pass.

In 1971, the day before the wedding, the groom wrote a love note to his bride, stuffed it in a bottle, and threw it into the Pacific Ocean between Seattle and Hawaii. Ten years later, a morning jogger found her on a beach in Guam:

“Even if by the time the letter reaches you, I’m gray and old, our love will still be as young as it is today. Perhaps this note will find you in a week, perhaps in many years ... If it never reaches you, it will still be written in my heart, and I will do everything to prove my love for you. Your husband is Bob".

The enthusiast tracked down the woman on the phone. He began to read the note. The woman burst out laughing. “We've been divorced for a long time,” she said and hung up.
Myers D. "Studying Social Psychology"

But the merciless realities of life are such that falling in love always passes, only one is slower than another faster, another source of drama and tragedy.

To marry a woman who loves you, and whom you love, is to make a bet with her about who will stop loving whom first.
Albert Camus

In his book The Chemistry of Love, Michael Leibovitz writes that the emotional breakdown caused by the breakdown of a passionate love affair can be analogous to the breakdown experienced by a drug addict who has been deprived of the drug: in both cases, after the loss of the chemical source of pleasure begins a period of emotional and physical suffering.

Psychologist Z. Rubin from the University of Michigan in the course of research found that women fall in love faster than men, they are more likely to initiate a breakup and experience it easier. Also in his research, Z. Rubin revealed that couples in love look at each other on average 85% of the time during a conversation! And in normal conversation, people look at each other no more than 30-40% of the time. This method of defining love was called the "Ruby gradation".

Another sex difference: "... men are more inclined to idealize their partners than women" M.A. Abalakin (1987).

The duration of falling in love depends on the priority of the basic drives of its components: lust or attachment. H. Fischer: “Romantic love is deeply intertwined with two other attraction to mating: lust - a passionate desire for sexual satisfaction and affection - a sense of peace, security and union with a partner for a long time (18-30 months). Each of these basic drives travels along different paths in the brain. Each generates different behaviors, hopes and dreams. And each is associated with a different neurochemistry".

It is very difficult to see a woman whom he once loved with all his heart and soul so much that he could not even imagine a minute of his life without her - and understand that now you would absolutely do not care if you knew that you would never have her again. will not see. The real tragedy of love is mental indifference.
S. Maugham

Therefore, we can talk about full-fledged falling in love for 18-30 months, when the basic attraction - attachment prevails. And mini love, when lust dominates - sexual hunger, sexual contact is complete, hunger is satisfied, mini love, significantly weakened or completely passed. H. Fischer: “I have come to believe that romantic love is the primary motivational system in the brain, in short, the basic human attraction to mating. Like cravings, romantic love focuses on the reward: the beloved, just as hunger focuses on food".

Love is like hunger, and like hunger it is evil for man.
A. Schopenhauer

On the song stage, in mini-series, love is called "love at first sight", "sudden love", "spontaneous love", etc. this is only mentioned to once again emphasize that this vivid, exciting experience has nothing to do with love.
You are my sudden love
Hot eyes, heaven on a sinful earth.
You are my sudden love
Where we are alone
On This Planet Of Love. Photo N. Baskov

In love, only the beginning is beautiful, which is why we strive to keep it, falling in love again and again.
A. France

An example of such a briefly current violent attraction can be the plot of I. Bunin's story "Sunstroke", the action lasts only a day. A young married woman with a three-year-old daughter is returning after a month of lonely rest in Anapa. On a steamer sailing along the Volga, she meets a young lieutenant. They have dinner, drink together, and after three hours of meeting they go to a district town in the Volga region, where they spend the night together in a hotel. In the morning, she leaves without saying her name, and the lieutenant feels immeasurable joy, and at the same time his heart is torn to pieces. He also continues on his way.

In the book "The Intimate Life of Stendhal" Abel Bonnard writes: “From women, he only demands confirmation of their illusions. He falls in love so as not to feel lonely; however, in truth, three-quarters of his love relationship is the fruit of his own imagination".

Stendhal's sun. D. Ackerman

And here are examples of the completion of natural love. This explains the serious crisis of marriage that occurs in the third year of marriage.
From a letter from 24-year-old Vicki: “... it was as if my eyes opened. I realized that my husband does not suit me at all, we are different people. And he began to behave with me in a different way, began to lecture, to make claims. I realized that he had ceased to like him. Now I have a feeling that we are two completely different, indifferent people to each other due to some misunderstanding, settled on the same living space. And the passion that was a year ago seemed to happen to other people ...".
At the end of the mad feeling phase, when we do not receive the brain signals supporting the euphoria, there is a moment of awakening. And since the partner at this moment is experiencing about the same, mutual bewilderment arises: what happened to us? Where did it all go? And what to do next?

The outstanding Russian writer IA Goncharov made a witty comparison: “lovers are like two Leyden jars: both are highly charged; electricity is allowed with kisses, and when it is completely resolved - forgive love, cooling follows ... ”.

From a letter from Oksana, 21 years old: "... I have been married for one year, my daughter is one month old, I am on maternity leave. A year ago I had a stormy love, as I thought then, there is no happier girl in the world.
It turned out that I have a lazy husband, and also an egoist, but he sincerely believes that he loves me. Even when he comes home late from work, he immediately sits down at the computer to play, does nothing around the house without prompting, quarrels with my mother. He does everything for himself, for the whole evening he will hold his daughter in his arms and at the computer or TV. I didn't even give flowers for the birth of my daughter, only after six months of continuous sawing I bought a bunch. But she gives beautiful words, insists that she loves, that I am beautiful, that I have perfect legs. But all this speaks like a piece of paper memorized, automatically like a bad artist. And sex too: plastic, without soul and fantasy, vulgar and with antics.
Before the wedding, all my friends envied me: handsome guy, earning good money, well-to-do parents. I myself thought that I was very lucky to get a winning ticket. I know that you cannot change a person, but it’s hard, humiliating to live like that, I’m scared to look into the future. This apartment was rented for us by his parents, they help us financially. Moreover, he believes that everything is fine with us, I'm just being capricious, and I'm ready to leave even now, but where will I go with the baby. What should I do? Please help with advice".

If in the plots of the previous two letters the love has already passed, then in the next story, the middle of the end of love is recorded.

From a letter from Agnes 22 years old: “I met a young man for three years. Everything was fine, then one morning suddenly questions appeared: do I need this relationship, do I love him? And after a couple of weeks, when I met him, I began to feel a lump in my throat and a desire to get away from him as far as possible. We tried to fix this by keeping communication to a minimum so that I could rest. But nothing helped.
I could not stand this feeling, it choked me. She was forced to leave her beloved. After the breakup, everything went away. Now he is making attempts to get the relationship back. I promised to give us a second chance, and this unpleasant feeling in my body returned.
But I am drawn to a young man, I want to be with him. He always supports me, cares. We have similar interests, I was comfortable with him (before a lump in my throat appears and I feel the desire to leave).
Tell me why is this happening to me and what to do? "

In the heat of passion, often no distinction is made between falling in love and love as a constant feeling, and therefore hardly any other feeling, starting with great hopes and expectations, crashes with such immutability as love. Two people get to know each other better, their closeness gradually loses its wonderful novelty, until finally mutual antagonism, disappointment and satiety with each other extinguish the remnants of the former fire. At first, they did not think about anything like that: they were imperiously captured by a wave of blind passion. However, selfless obsession with each other is not at all proof of the strength of their love, but just evidence of the immensity of the previous loneliness.
E. Fromm

French writer Frederic Beigbeder even wrote the novel Love Lives Three Years. His character, Marc Maronier, after three years of marriage, falls passionately in love with another woman. But the modern stereotype; eternal love does not exist, makes Maronye skeptical about these relationships: as soon as he enters them, he already foresees a break. Beigbeder, he says, taking up the pen solely with the intention of ending something, is convinced that the idea of ​​a stable relationship in a couple has outlived its usefulness. Having no idea that love and being in love are completely different feelings and concepts, Begbeder's heroes call to consign to oblivion the very concept of infinity of love. Unfortunately, this position is imposed not only by pop culture, the media, the Kultura TV channel, but also by some professional psychologists.
My dispute with the psychologist D. Ustinov that love lasts until the end of the century and becomes only more wholesome over the years. in more detail: Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.
Examples of true love.

Very often they say: "Love" when there is only love. Falling in love is blind. It poisons human blood with a dizzying poison. And only when it dries up - only then can a person decide what it was - falling in love and love, or falling in love without love? And it dries up in the vast majority of cases with the possession achieved. It is then that only one could seriously start talking about love. To make plans for a long life together before that is sheer madness.
V.V. Veresaev

The bright, dramatic love between a graduate of the "Star Factory-4" Irina Dubtsova and the lead singer of the "Plazma" group Roman Chernitsyn was put on a general television screening by the organizers of the show business.
The talented Irina described the first stage of her love so heartfelt in her beautiful song that it became a hit.

I collect our meetings, our days, like a thread - it's so long.
I try to forget, but another attempt pricks me with a needle.
I put all dreams in their places -
Stronger nerves, less faith day after day, but burn it with fire,
Only thoughts are all about him and about him, about him and about him ...

I will rise to the sky to him,
I will fall into the abyss after him,
I'm behind him, I'm sorry, - pride,
I am behind him alone, I am alone with him.

I understand that for the sake of appearance I smile at my friends - it's not easy.
I would put a full stop, but again the comma is serious.
I'm scattering from longing to pieces,
To pieces - everything is useless day after day, but burn it with fire,
Only thoughts are all about him and about him, about him and about him ...


For the advertisement of the Factory, explanations of feelings and the wedding were made in front of video cameras. The organizers of the show business were not embarrassed that Roman had to leave the first family, leaving the children, to file for a divorce.
As befits love, it passed. And they ended up in the same apartment, in the same bed, two strangers, annoying each other. Irina and Roman divorced. In this case, the most affected party was their son Artem. Parental divorce is a severe trauma for a child, which will not pass without leaving a trace, and will certainly manifest itself destructively in his personal life.
Irina Dubtsova's star song can be made not only as a hymn for all lovers, but also as a test for violent love. If a person is experiencing:
... but burn it with fire,
Only thoughts are all about him and about him, about him and about him ...
So this is falling in love, which will last from several weeks to three years. And that's it! It is annihilated.

Do not fall in love, girls, helluva lot -
Love has a mistake.

Despite the universal, total seizure of feelings, unearthly joy, complete confidence in fatefulness, this will pass for someone, but I do not, this cannot pass. It will pass, these are the poles of this feeling.
This must be experienced "like a black spleen, like a fever", either as a participant in the process, or alone suffering somewhere in the corner.
There are no such signs in love.

Napoleon proposed introducing a law that would forbid anyone who knew each other for less than six months to marry.

The most difficult and dramatic is the first love, which is called the "first love" among young people.

Accurately and beautifully describes A.S. Pushkin is the sequence of processes of first falling in love - “a genetically predetermined instinctive component of mating,” Tatyana Larina from “Eugene Onegin.” The composition and action of hormones have been described above, but their poetic interpretation.
To her
“... I liked novels early;
They replaced everything for her;
She fell in love with deceptions and Richardson and Russo ...".
And in the heart the thought was buried; Film The Time Has Come, She Fell In Love.
So the grain has fallen into the ground
Spring is revived by fire.
It has long been her imagination,
Burning with bliss and melancholy,
Alkalo food fatal;
Long sincere anguish
Her young breasts were pressed against her;
The soul was waiting ... for someone,

And she waited ... Eyes were opened;
She said: this is it!
Invisible, you were already dear to me,
Your wonderful look tormented me,
In my soul, your voice rang out
For a long time ... no, it was not a dream!
You just entered, I instantly recognized
Everything was stunned, flamed
And in my thoughts she said: here he is!

It is important to highlight that the primary “It's time has come, ...”, the second is the object of falling in love, if Evgeny hadn’t been around, the love would fall on another.

A person is born with a large number of innate programs of behavior that have arisen at different evolutionary times, due to which they often contradict each other.
Sufficient coincidence of external conditions with these signal signs generates one or another emotion that prompts a person to implement the corresponding instinctive program.
Anatoly Protopopov “Treatise on Love. An arrogant mammal". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Yes, loneliness and sexual desires make falling in love easy, and there is nothing mysterious about it, but this is a success that leaves as quickly as it came.
E. Fromm

A number of details and details of the origin of love are revealed by Turgenev in the story "Asya".
Having met Asya, the hero of the story felt nothing for her, except for the usual curiosity. But in the evening he returned to his place in a strange state - full of "pointless and endless expectations." "I felt happy ... - he says. - But why was I happy? I didn't want anything, I didn't think about anything ..." knows about it - knows and speaks about it in his own language - the language of vague feelings, incomprehensible yearning.
These are the first creeping steps of falling in love - airy, invisible, intangible. This is not Cupid's arrow, which bursts into the heart with one blow, but slow trickles of sensations that imperceptibly flow into the soul - and disturb, disturb it with their incomprehensibility.
The next day Asya did not like the hero. In the evening - again for no reason - he suddenly felt an acute and aching melancholy, a deathly weight in his heart. A rebellion of the subconscious begins - the first response of the soul to the love that creeps into it. The subconscious mind, as it were, goes out of obedience, its role in the inner life of a person is abrupt, it grows abruptly. It moves to the forefront of psychology, begins to play the first violin in the polyphonic music of our sensations. The subconscious becomes the despot of the soul, rules it, instilling in it incomprehensible tossing of feelings - a pendulum from happiness to sorrow, from joy to longing ...
After a little more, new sensations arise in him - much more piercing and therefore clear. "A thirst for happiness ignited in me ... - the hero understood. - Happiness, happiness to the point of satiety - that's what I wanted, that's what I was languishing about ...".
This is already the transition of falling in love from the subconscious to consciousness, its first step from the secret depths of the soul into the limits that are obvious for the gaze. Having taken possession of the subconscious, love conquers from there all the new spaces in the soul. Its strength has become such that it is already realized, it becomes intelligible for understanding. And later, this love becomes a leading, influential force.
Asya's stormy experiences of this early, dramatic love are also described in an interesting way.
The reason for falling in love can be not only "a genetically predetermined instinctive component of mating", but also other stimuli: arising from sexual, emotional deficiency, when they need vivid feelings, when they want to escape from the depressing everyday life, when they are experiencing an internal crisis. with the help of falling in love, they are saved from depression, etc.

She had known him for a long time, but fell in love with him only from the moment she realized that he had plans for her. And it seems to her that she is really in love with him. The painful desire for marriage and the joy of achievement can in one minute arouse love in a heart that has been irritated for so long by secret and obvious dreams of marriage.
V. Belinsky

A similar form of falling in love, which is so actively advertised in our time, was described by M.Yu. Lermontov in the novel "A Hero of Our Time" ("Princess Mary"). The protagonist of the novel Pechorin, for the sake of boredom and wounded self-esteem, after making a lot of effort, falls in love with Princess Mary. But, when the girl's heart was in the power of the deceiver, he leaves her, dooming to torment and suffering.

Those. falling in love is a season, a predisposing situation, a hormonal surge, attraction, the situation passes, hormones calm down, falling in love passes. For the majority, this occurs in the spring, for a minority at other times of the year. A. Pushkin's emotional and creative upsurge took place in the fall.

Falling in love is a gift to your needs, and love is a gift to your uniqueness.

But the opinion about the nature of falling in love Leo Tolstoy, he wrote: “... often thought about falling in love and could not find him a place and meaning. And this place and meaning are very clear and definite: to facilitate the struggle between lust and chastity. Falling in love should precede marriage among young men who cannot withstand complete chastity. Here is the place of falling in love. When it bursts into people's lives after marriage, it is inappropriate and disgusting". Elsewhere: “... to fall in love does not mean to love. You can fall in love and hate".

From the diaries of L.N. Tolstoy:
- on the eve of the wedding "What if it is rather a desire to love, not love?"
- after the wedding "... I am in love, as I did not believe so that it was possible to love" - ​​he even complained at first that family happiness absorbs him so much that it interferes with activities outside the family.
Almost half a century of married life ended dramatically. He was repeatedly on the verge of suicide, his wife, Sofya Andreevna, had several unfinished suicide attempts

According to the recollections of those who knew Leo Tolstoy personally in maturity, he repeatedly repeated, apparently, the quote from G.E. ...

I lived with Lev Nikolaevich for forty-eight years, and I never found out what kind of person he was ...
Sofya Andreevna

Leo Tolstoy describes in detail in the smallest detail the love and how it goes in the story "The Kreutzer Sonata". The great writer manages to notice a variety of nuances and subtleties that are imperceptible to the common person, this helps to better understand the phenomena themselves and themselves. This description is also valuable because the prototype of the main character of Pozdnishev's story was the writer himself, and therefore, in fact, this is already the author's diary.
It is necessary to clarify that the duration of falling in love and what follows after it depends on a number of factors and those mentioned above and another important one is psychological compatibility in a couple, in the proposed description it is extremely low.

More details: a vivid example "Conflicting intertype relationships".

“And I fell in love, as everyone falls in love. And everything was there: delight, emotion, and poetry.
- Well, that's how they caught me. I was, as they say, in love. I not only imagined her to be the height of perfection, I also imagined myself during this time of my grooming , too, the height of perfection.
Tolstoy eye for significant detail, the cause of love: "... and whether in my saving valve is opened - and then he accidentally hid behind once at this time - I would not have fallen in love, and none of this would not. ... Of the passions, the most powerful, and wicked, and stubborn is sexual, carnal love ...".
“… No matter how hard I tried to arrange a honeymoon for myself, nothing came of it. All the time it was disgusting, ashamed and boring. But very soon it became excruciatingly difficult. It started very soon. It seems that on the third or fourth day I found my wife bored, began to ask what, I began to hug her, which, in my opinion, was all that she could desire, and she took my hand away and began to cry. About what? She didn't know how to say. But she was sad, hard. Probably her tortured nerves told her the truth about the filth of our intercourse; but she didn’t know how to say. I began to interrogate, she said something that she was sad without her mother. It seemed to me that this was not true. I began to persuade her without speaking about my mother. I didn’t understand that it was just hard for her, and my mother was just an excuse. But she was immediately offended that I kept silent about my mother, as if I did not believe her. She told me that she saw that I did not love her. I reproached her for her caprice, and suddenly her face changed completely, instead of sadness, irritation expressed itself , and with the most poisonous words she began to reproach me for selfishness and cruelty. I looked at her. Her whole face expressed utter coldness and hostility, almost hatred towards me. I remember how horrified I was to see this. "How? What? - I thought. - Love is the union of souls, and instead this is what! Yes, it cannot be, but it is not her!" I tried to soften it, but ran into such an insurmountable wall of cold, poisonous hostility that before I could look back, irritation seized me too, and we told each other a lot of trouble. The impression of this first quarrel was terrible. I call it a quarrel, but it was not a quarrel, and it was only the discovery of the abyss, which in fact was between us.
Falling in love was exhausted by the satisfaction of sensuality, and we were left against each other in our actual relationship to each other, that is, two egoists completely alien to each other , who want to get themselves as much pleasure as possible through one another. I called what happened between us a quarrel; but it was not a quarrel, but it was only as a result of the cessation of sensuality that our real relationship to each other was revealed . I didn’t understand that this cold and hostile attitude was our normal attitude, I didn’t understand this because this hostile attitude at first very soon was closed from us again by the newly rising sensibility of the distillation, that is, falling in love.
And I thought that we had a falling out and made up and that this will no longer happen. But on the same first honeymoon, very soon a period of satiety came again , again we ceased to be necessary for each other, and again a quarrel occurred . This second quarrel struck me even more painfully than the first. Therefore, the first was not an accident, and this is how it should be and so it will be, I thought. The second quarrel struck me all the more because it arose on the most impossible occasion. Something about the money, which I have never regretted, and certainly could not spare for my wife. I remember only that she had somehow turned the case that some of my remarks appeared an expression of my desire to rule over it through money, which I have argued though to his exclusive right, something impossible, stupid, cowardly, uncharacteristic or me nor her. I got irritated, began to reproach her with indiscretion, she me - and it started again. And in the words and in the expression of her face and eyes, I saw again the same cruel, cold hostility that had previously so amazed me . With my brother, with friends, with my father, I remember, I quarreled, but between us there was never that special, poisonous anger that was here. But some time passed, and again this mutual hatred disappeared under love, that is, sensuality, and I still consoled myself with the thought that these two quarrels were mistakes that could be corrected. But then came the third, fourth quarrel, and I realized that it was not an accident, but that it should be so , it will be so, and I was horrified at what lay ahead of me. At the same time, I was still tormented by the terrible thought that I alone was just so bad, unlike what I expected, I live with my wife, whereas in other marriages this does not happen. I did not know back then that it was a common fate, but it all so well, like , I think, that it is their sole misfortune hide this exclusive, embarrassing his misfortune, not only from others but also from themselves, to themselves are not recognized in that. It began from the first days and continued all the time, and it grew stronger and harder".
He very colorfully describes how the love of L.N. Tolstoy, therefore I will cite another excerpt from the novel Anna Karenina - Vronsky's feelings: “How many times did he tell himself that her love was happiness; and now she loved him, as a woman can love, for whom love outweighed all the blessings in life - and he was much further from happiness than when he followed her from Moscow. Then he considered himself unhappy, but happiness was ahead; now he felt that the best happiness was already behind him. She was not at all what he saw her at first. Both morally and physically, she changed for the worse ... He looked at her, as a man looks at a flower plucked by him and withered, in which he hardly recognizes the beauty for which he plucked and destroyed it."

The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev

… When we come out of a state of emotional obsession, we often wonder why we did this. When the level of emotions subsides, and we return to the world of reality, where our differences are very clearly visible, how many of us asked: "How could we get married? We do not agree with each other on anything"? But at the peak of falling in love, we thought that we agree with each other in everything - at least in what is important.
Gary Chapman "Five languages ​​of love"

And here is how Sergei Yesenin sums up his fleeting romance with Isadora Duncan , his diary entry (1923) : “There was passion, and great passion. This went on for a whole year. And then everything passed and there was nothing left, nothing. When there was passion, I saw nothing. And now! My God, how blind I was! Where were my eyes? That's right, they always get so blind".

Another characteristic of falling in love was discovered by the professor of sociology Francesco Alberoni "Friendship and love". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...":
“Is it possible to love two people at once? Sure. To love one person and be in love with another at the same time? Undoubtedly. Fall in love with two at the same time? No. Each of us loves several people at once: we love our mother and our father, our life partner and our children. None of these loves excludes the other, does not prejudice her in any way.
And in the same way a man can love two wives at once, and one woman can love two husbands. Anyone who continues to love their first spouse can fall in love with someone else. Moreover, this is what happens most often. But falling in love with two people at once is impossible".
Everything described above applies to natural falling in love. But as mentioned in the previous chapter, there are, and poor quality falling falling in love will be discussed later.

On our site, several articles are devoted to how to distinguish love from falling in love - romantic love:

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

If to eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-lovers. E. Pushkarev

"... when the kiss is over" (about a love story without love) V. Dolinsky.

What is love, what is romance and what is the difference between them. Robert A. Johnson.

One of the basic needs of a modern person is to learn to distinguish between earthly love, which is the basis of any relationship, and romantic love ... Robert A. Johnson.

One of the greatest paradoxes of romantic love is that it has nothing to do with earthly relationships. Robert A. Johnson.

Romantic love, following its paradoxical nature, constantly fools us. Robert A. Johnson.

And at the end of this article, I would like to pay special attention to how to distinguish between natural and fake love. If in natural love they are clearly manifested:

- a spiritualized attraction to a specific personality, which temporarily acquires super-significance;

- striving for merging, deep, all-round relationship with the object of his attraction and reverence, to be represented and expressed as much as possible in his life;

- an urgent need for reciprocal feelings;

- the desire to reproduce offspring.

then in false love they are not pronounced or absent.

Additional disclosure of the topic, aspects of falling in love that were not included in this article:
I'm married, but I fell in love ...

Today, a lot is said about love, but at the same time they mean exactly being in love as a desire, which leads to sad consequences.
The reason for this is the substitution of concepts: love is confused with falling in love, and these are fundamentally different things. In the language of Christian asceticism, falling in love is a passion, an addiction, that is, a sensual attraction.
Love, in the Christian sense, is not just a feeling, but an arrangement of the human heart, in which a person is ready to forget himself for the sake of those whom he loves.
Rector of the Orthodox St. Tikhon University for the Humanities, Professor Archpriest Vladimir Vorobiev

Animals can tell a lot about human love and our sexual behavior. ... when it comes to courtship and reproduction, animals - even those considered primitive - are influenced by the same substances that we are. These substances trigger certain behaviors in both animals and humans. A person has preserved elements of behavior similar to those in the behavior of animals, because he has the same chemicals in his body as in animals, and also because certain nerve cells (neurons) are preserved in his brain, which are susceptible to these substances.
L. Young, B. Alexander “The Chemistry of Love. A scientific view of love, sex and attraction". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

In grape snails, direct mating is preceded by long "mating dances", during which the partners prick each other with the so-called "love arrows" - lime needles.

How elephants are in love. To do this, it is necessary that estrus should come not only for the elephant, but also for the elephant, by this time they find each other by secreted secrets. In the female African elephant, estrus lasts about five days at any time of the year. For 3-4 days they become inseparable by stroking and spanking each other between copulation sessions. Both show inexhaustible energy, do not sleep and hardly eat. They often touch and "talk" with different timbre elephant rumbling. When the elephant's estrus declines, they diverge. The elephant becomes pregnant at twenty-two months and the next two years of feeding. Therefore, female elephants experience love once every four years, an elephant, if lucky, more often.

"Falling in love is just a chemistry"?

love is just chemistry In this article, a lot has been written about neuroactive substances and neurochemical reactions occurring in the brain, and there will certainly be those who will once again declare: "Here is another confirmation that love, being in love is just chemistry." I have repeatedly had to oppose such a vulgar formulation of the question. The entire human body is a multi-storey chemical factory that works tirelessly when we are awake, and when we are sleeping, and when we are happy, and when we are shaking with fear. Chemical reactions take place in my brain when I write this, chemical reactions take place in your brain when you read, these are ordinary processes. But there are especially important brain processes that determine our future life, therefore, in addition to subjective experience, more accurate markers of the ongoing chemical reactions in our brain are needed.

One of the main topics of the Club's help How to get rid of "love"? .

An example from a letter to the Club. "I turned to you because I suffer very much, I love one person for 24 years. When we were young, we studied at the same institute, but then without passing the exam he was taken to the army. I went to see him every week, but stupid jealousy, In the same month I fell ill, lost 10 kg, quit college and work and for two months simply did not see anything, then the love of my parents gradually brought me out of this situation. I got married, gave birth to a son and was happy. But after 9 years in my life he appears again. I again seemed to lose my head, again believed that he loved me, cheated on my husband. I felt the happiest in the world, did not live flying through the air He told my husband everything, insisted on my divorce. Now I have been dating him for 9 years, but he still remains in his family. Everything promises that we will be together, but he is looking for opportunities just to spend time with me well, calmly and blames me I am that we are not together. When alone, I understand everything. When I forget everything with him, everything in the world. My Soul Hurts. Ksenia, 41 years old, Moscow ".

And this is not an isolated case. 20% of Muscovites (18% in Russia) never get married, and half of them never get married for this very reason - love addiction , which our culture often calls “addictive love” “overselective love”, “neurotic love”, “too much love”, “more than love”, “compulsive love”, “toxic love”, etc. .d.

According to WHO research, a person's inability to survive passion ranks 6th out of 800 reasons for suicide and accounts for about 6%. Based on this pattern, in Russia in 2018 there were 1,320 (total 22,000) suicides, 3.6 per day.

And also I can't love, I just can't, I can't. . Also in the letters they write: "... I often fall in love, I am completely confused," ... I miss my husband's love ...", "I am married, but I really want to fall in love ...", I'm married but in love ...

That "chemistry" does not work for everyone? Or is there "right chemistry" and there is "wrong chemistry"?

Neuroactive substances work differently in different people. It was found that oxytocin affects the ability to recognize acquaintances, i.e., social memory, without affecting the memory of events associated with inanimate objects. Oxytocin increases trust in strangers, it also has a stress-protective effect - it increases serenity, reduces anxiety. It is also called the "trust hormone" and "family hormone".

But it only modulates, enhances all the wonderful properties described above, subject to a number of psychological conditions.

A romantic love feeling consists of several components: psychological, physiological, somato-vegetative, and others. Most of these components can be measured fairly accurately with modern methods ...
Psychotherapist, sexologist Ph. D. Sci., Professor A.M. Poleev.

This state (love) includes a number of chemical, emotional and cognitive processes.
Stephanie Ortigue "Tomography of Love"

For example, back in the 1970s. Professor AI Belkin has successfully used oxytocin in the treatment of certain neuroses. But he only used it as an adjunct to psychotherapeutic interventions. Oxytocin alone was ineffective.

Orphans who were adopted between the ages of 12 and 16 months were subjected to the social stress of public speaking. It turned out that interaction with the foster mother immediately after the performance did not increase their oxytocin secretion. At the same time, a sharp rise in oxytocin in words of consolation, encouragement and praise was recorded in children with their own mothers, and they calm down much faster.

Another experiment compared adult women who grew up in different conditions. Women, who were often punished with maternal exclusion in childhood, did not respond to oxytocin administration in the same way as women whose childhood punishment did not include “punishment by dislike”.

Normal and natural love in rhesus monkeys develops through the successive change and interaction of five main types, or "systems", of love, which include: maternal love, infant love for mother, love for peers, which other psychologists and psychoanalysts still have to to discover, heterosexual love, that is, love for an individual of the opposite sex, and paternal love.
The next system of love in primates is heterosexual love. This kind of love develops out of love for peers - just as love for peers develops out of maternal love.
G. Harlow "The Natural Nature of Love"

Nobel laureate Konrad Lorenz describes the love in the life of geese in an interesting and detailed way in his book "The Year of the Gray Goose". He especially emphasizes: "Love and sex" exist separately in the goose's life. When combined, they reliably bind a pair, but quite often they are observed independently of each other".
The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

These are all examples of how the study of the interaction of biological factors with purely psychological ones can lead to practically different conclusions. The influence on the future ability to love is also important, the degree of the child's emotional relationship not only with the mother, but also with the father, they are different. Here is how G. Harlow describes it: “Fathers in such cohabiting families do not allow mothers - their female partners and neighbors - to offend or abandon the baby and serve as a binding force that protects the group from enemies, primarily from experimenters. In addition, fathers, due to some kind of evolutionary mechanism, which is not yet clear to us, show affection equally to all babies. Many fathers play with them much more than mothers. Fathers ignore the manifestation of aggression from infants and adolescents, they allow them to pinch, bite, pull on the tail and ears. Which, by the way, they would never allow older or adult monkeys - neither males nor females".

Whoever likes it. E Pushkarev

Thus, it is more correct to call oxytocin not a "love hormone", but one of the factors involved in organizing a complex state of love.

H. Fischer: “There is chemistry in everything we do, say and feel, just like in the famous phrase:“ The mind is what the brain does ”. So yes, there is a chemistry for infatuation, any kind of passion, lust, friendship. Everything, of course, is very complicated: in the work of the mind there are many combinations and combinations. But it is knowable, and new technologies, including brain scans, are making it possible to understand how the brain works. But this does not exclude feeling at all. We may know all the ingredients of a piece of chocolate cake and still enjoy eating it. By analogy, we can know a lot about romantic love, but nevertheless, when it comes to us, we experience an incomparable euphoria".
About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Some are outraged, they say, science destroys the magic and poetry of our feelings and experiences, but this is said only by those who .... Understanding the mechanism behind our feelings does not change - and is not able to change - these feelings themselves, if only because we experience them as emotions, and not as "switching on" certain parts of the brain. We will still fall in love, even knowing which brain zones are activated in this case. And we will continue to feel pain when we are repulsed or rejected, even though we are aware of how this feeling is generated.
R. Dunbar "Science of Love and Treason". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Modern technologies make it possible to understand how the brain works, which zones are responsible for certain processes. But this does not at all exclude the joy of feelings that we experience, unearthly sensations when "the soul sings." Therefore, "love is just chemistry" this applies only to pre-social animals, and in social and especially in humans, inter-sex individual love depends on how full and harmonious were the relationships in the family in which he was brought up. From the whole chain: maternal love, baby's love for mother, love for peers, paternal love.

Whoever likes it. E Pushkarev

“The brain and the chemical processes occurring in it, of course, affect our behavior, but love is never fully programmed,” says Alexander Chernorizov, Doctor of Psychology, Professor. - Of course, we also depend on the "hormonal component" of love - this ancient driving force of our survival, but the chemistry of hormones alone is not enough to explain the success or failure of a relationship. The power of hormones is great, but the power of personal, social experience is also great. In real life, these factors work together, and one cannot say that any of them prevails".

A person does not have an innate gift to distinguish love from falling in love with other pseudo-loving feelings, which causes many personal and even social problems. Neurochemists, neuroendocrinologists, neuroscientists have done a good job and are already able to determine what specific processes we are currently experiencing love or falling in love, which is not have nothing to do with each other. And you need to thank the scientists for this and use scientific discoveries for the best arrangement of your life.

E Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is a page from the section Psychology of Love

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Classifications of love relationships. E. Pushkarev.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

If to eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

"First love" and its outcome. Dean Kelis, K. Phillips.

"First love" is an important step in puberty. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love and love. V. Albisetti

Falling in love K.S. Lewis

Falling in love. G. Chapman.

Falling in love and hypnosis. S. Freud

Sigmund Freud about love.

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." more than 1800 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article:

Chemistry of Love (video)

Daniel Amen “Brain and love. Secrets of Practical Neurobiology ".

Roland Barthes "Fragments of a Lover's Speech"

A. Gulenkov "Chemistry of Love"

Robert Johnson “We. The deeper aspects of romantic love "

Robert Johnson "HE: Deep Aspects of Male Psychology"

Robert Johnson "She: The Deeper Aspects of Female Psychology"

Robert Johnson "Dreams and Fantasies Analysis and Uses"

Viktor Dobroslavovich “Love or being in love? Fatal mistake of Mankind! "

Andrey Kosenko "100 and 1 romantic idea"

Nikolay Kurdyumov "Successology of love (textbook for smart lovers)"

Helen Fisher “Why we love. The nature and chemistry of romantic love "

V.R. Khamidova "Dream Interpretation for Lovers"

Larry Young, Brian Alexander “The Chemistry of Love. A scientific view of love, sex and attraction "

and others

Эрих Фромм

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми