Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

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Falling in love in all its diversity is one of the main topics of our site, several articles are devoted to them :

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev

If to eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-lovers. E. Pushkarev

I'm married, but I fell in love ...

I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

Poor quality falling in love. E. Pushkarev.

The rest are listed at the bottom of the page.

We can learn a lot of interesting and useful things about falling in love if we look at it not from the standpoint of pop culture, but if we use the knowledge and devices that science provides. Let's first consider falling in love as a concept, then as a phenomenon that can be measured even in Africa, even in the Urals, and also how it differs from love and other pseudo-love feelings.

Falling in love is one of the forms of pseudo-love. "Erich Fromm about love".

In 1802, N.M. Karamzin noted that a new word appeared in the Russian language - "being in love". Therefore, the concept of falling in love, in comparison with love, which has been comprehended for about five millennia, is quite young.

Falling in love is a strong positively colored feeling (a complex of feelings) directed at another person.

Usually based on physical sensations accompanying, for example, touch - excitement, tremors, palpitations.

Usually destructive and paralyzes the will, forcing you to forget the realities of life.

Usually fleeting, if not supported by a sexual relationship, but having sex is an unreliable support.

Usually makes the partner idealize, constantly covering up all his shortcomings.

Selfish: you are only interested in what you can get.

Most often lives among young people and Don Juans.

Her usual start is the end of a previous relationship.

This is when it's boring without sex.

Usually not long-term.

Often uses another for his own purposes.

Falling in love is often called romantic love.

In our culture, a simplistic, romantic attitude towards falling in love prevails . This is how it looks in the statement of the American psychologist E. Hatfield, falling in love is a special form of emotional excitement, a state of uncontrollable desire to merge with a loved one. Positive emotions are evoked only in the case of mutual feelings, otherwise falling in love devastates a person. In this interpretation and in everyday consciousness, biological roots are completely absent, which are the main drivers of this state. Because of this, there is often a naive consumer attitude towards love as a gift from above.

But falling in love is the main mechanism of the procreation instinct and the psychophysiological processes characteristic of lovers have been developed over millions of years of evolution - says Doctor of Biological Sciences. Sergey Saveliev, i.e. long before the appearance of man. This means that all representatives of the animal world, including humans, experience natural falling in love.

It exists as a natural love, it will be discussed below. Likewise, low-quality falling in love is a complex psychoemotional state, experiences therefore several articles are devoted to them.

Poor quality falling in love. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - eros. E. Pushkarev

Natural falling in love

Natural falling in love is the main mechanism of the procreation instinct, a complex, cyclically repetitive obsessive state of inclusion, the involvement of reproductive functions. It is characterized by hyperactivity of all six spheres of the psyche: intellectual, emotional, volitional, somato-vegetative, sexual, unconscious, as well as hypermobilization of physical activity. There is also a mobilization of a number of nonspecific psychophysiological manifestations. It arose in the course of evolution to provide a temporary bond of a couple in order to conceive offspring and feed them for the first few months or years of life, after which it annihilates (in humans, the average duration is six months, the maximum according to H. Fisher is 30 months).

If all previous centuries poets, writers, philosophers have been engaged in the study of love and falling in love, and we are already accustomed to a romantic, sublime description of these feelings, then since the last century anthropologists, psychotherapists, neuropsychologists, neurochemists, neuroendocrinologists, neurobiologists, neurohistologists and other professionals have learned a lot about these feelings using the latest biochemical methods and equipment fMRI - functional magnetic resonance imaging .

And what in animals is called "a genetically predetermined instinctive component of mating", rut, "mating season", mating, etc. in humans is called falling in love, scientifically - "affective attraction". Affectus (lat.) - emotional excitement, passion. Attraction (English) emotional attraction between people, partial, temporary deviation from the norm, endogenous intoxication.

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov has been studying love and being in love for many years. She described the results of these studies in her popular book Love and Limerence.

“The most striking mental states experienced by a lover include:

- obsessive thoughts about the object of love;

- an urgent need for reciprocal feelings from the;

- euphoria or high spirits in the presence of reciprocity;

- feelings, thoughts and actions are focused on to such an extent that other concerns (even very important ones) are ignored or neglected;

- a strong, almost delusional bias that distorts the perception of in love: this bias, as it were, increases the severity and importance of the positive qualities of, while minimizing the negative features of, referring them to neutral or even positive;

- sexual desire for;

- a reliable correlation was found between the state of falling in love and drug intoxication.

Falling in love is a psychophysiological phenomenon that arose in the course of evolution to provide a temporary bond of a couple in order to facilitate the conception of children and their feeding for the first few months or years of life".

While falling in love is more than mere sexual attraction, Tennov points out that:

- if there is no sexual desire, this is not real love;

- how the attraction between a man and a woman is described “This is not love. It is an evolutionary force that attracts someone who becomes more important than everything else. This is often called love ... But this is not true love".

Falling in love is accompanied by a state of intoxication falling in love, like any other intoxication, it causes an altered state of consciousness, a partial distortion of the perception of reality.

And here are the terms in which the modern psychoanalyst describes falling in love:

“complete or partial loss of the sense of reality;

virtualization of the psyche, that is, the creation of a more or less stable system of illusions projected onto the object of love experience;

return to early infantile forms of behavior;

emotional instability and tendency to affective reactions;

sleep disturbance, high anxiety, that is, a clear imbalance in the system of the Ego's protective activity, manifested in everything: from the loss of a sense of humor to the breaking of the line of repression, the inability to forget the traumatic experiences associated with the object of love;

partial loss of self-identification and increased suggestibility;

narcissistic self-isolation, which often leads to a loss of social adaptation, etc.

neurosis, that is, spontaneous defensive reproduction of the traumatic experience of early childhood;

the psychological reaction associated with the replacement of the adaptive model of the real world with an emotionally colored system of illusions derived from the object of love experience;

manic-depressive syndrome, the characteristic manifestations of which in the behavior of a lover are associated with an exacerbation of unconscious conflict between the system of adaptive defenses of a person, that is, his ego, and a set of primary identifications with parents, that is, his superego.

The fact that on its basis obvious psychotic manifestations can arise (schizoid forms of complete withdrawal into the world of fantasy illusions, the formation of an overvalued monoid in paranoia mode), depressive manifestations of an auto-aggressive nature (up to suicide), or various forms of destructive behavior. The obvious suffering of the person who has fallen into a love state is also evident, since the above-described set of disorders of the leading protective systems of the psyche indicates a severe mental trauma. The suffering of the patient in classical psychoanalysis is a criterion for distinguishing between norm and pathology".
V.A. Medvedev, President of the Professional Psychoanalytic Society (PPAO)

Paradoxes of love. V. Medvedev

Falling in love is like psychosis, when everything is very tense, acute, but, fortunately, it goes away with time.
It is also important to distinguish here: we are talking about falling in love, which usually lasts no more than six months and can be more saturated with acute experiences, or about love, which can be much longer, perhaps even a lifetime. Doctor of medical sciences Professor V.D. Moskalenko Valentina Moskolenko: the most important thing is not to strangle your loved one in your arms. V. Lukshina

VD Moskalenko “When there is too much love. Prevention of love addiction "
The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Take the Helen Fisher test to select the best partner hormonal compatibility.

“The mechanisms of“ romantic love ”are neurobiologically similar to those involved in drug and alcohol addiction, since both of these areas are part of the reward system in the brain - the dopamine system, which is associated with very focused attention, elation, energy, thirst, motivation". From an interview with H. Fischer.

The influence of the "hormonal cocktail" on the course of a passionate relationship can be illustrated by the dramatic relationship Abelard and Heloise (XII century). As a result of their stormy, passionate romantic relationship, a son is born. Eloise's uncle, deciding to take revenge on Abelard for the spoiled fate of his niece, hires criminals who emasculate him. After which Abelard sharply grows cold towards Eloise as a woman and encourages her to go to the monastery and does the same himself. After 26 years, Abelard is the abbot, Eloise is the abbess, the abbess of the monastery writes to him: “You were connected with me not so much by friendship as by lust, not so much love as by the fervor of passion. And now, when what you wished for stopped, at the same time those feelings that you expressed for the sake of these desires disappeared".

Abelard: "... they took revenge on me in the most cruel and shameful way, which caused general amazement: they mutilated those parts of my body with which I did what they complained about ..." He calls Eloise to the only correct love for God and repentance ... After which he became a true and righteous abbot, and for Abbess Eloise these "parts of her body" functioned like a healthy woman. Eloise: “Indeed, the pleasure of love, which we both indulged in in the same way, were then so pleasant for me that they can neither lose their charm for me, nor even in the least disappear from my memory. Wherever I go, they are everywhere in my eyes and arouse my desires. Even in my sleep, these dreams do not spare me. Even during solemn divine services, when prayer should be especially pure, sinful visions of these pleasures so overwhelm my unfortunate soul that I am more devoted to these abominations than to prayer. And instead of lamenting what I did, I often sigh about what was not done. Not only what we did with you, but even the places and minutes of our deeds, along with your image, were so deeply imprinted in my soul that I seem to relive all this and even in a dream I have no rest from these memories".

The result of this cruel medieval experiment is: there is a full functioning of the hormonal system, there is a passionate man, if there is none, there is a true monk.

Dramatic love of Abelard and Heloise

Impossible, incredible, supernatural, incomprehensible,
How to call you a feeling new until yesterday unfamiliar,
From something suddenly a dizziness, for no reason, no reason like an eclipse,
I seem to be falling into hysterics, I am rushing from coast to coast.

Do you hear, the heart is beating, it beats on the temples with a high frequency,
It can be seen to burst, it will burst in half,
Do you hear, my heart whispers quietly, quietly stirring my blood
Do you hear, my heart asks, call me love,
(Still, it is necessary to clarify both for the poet and for our entire culture, this is not love, but falling in love, but beautiful).

Weightless, extraordinary, sometimes tropical, sometimes polar,
Unsolved, incomprehensible, this feeling came unexpectedly,
And attraction does not work, the law of gravitation is useless,
Obviously, on the verge of madness, my heart is like the crater of Vesuvius,
Song "Call me love"

And here is a description of the same state, but in prose. From a letter to the Club". I am 18 years old. I met a girl a year ago in my 1st year, it was a new team, naturally a lot of acquaintances. And Marina was one of them. At first, I practically did not communicate with her, the usual routine phrases. And he didn't feel anything for her. At the end of the 1st course, we gathered in a group for nature, that day I just hugged her, an ordinary, duty hug and my heart began to pound, although I will remind you that until this moment I did not feel anything for her at all and never remembered. The next day, at the lectures, I sat down with her at the table and my hands began to shake, my heart pounded. I began to think about her often, began to try, to look for an excuse to meet, to communicate. From every meeting and communication, my soul sang and soared high above the ground. Vitya".

“Romantic love in its beginning I am a drug addiction ... It certainly has the main characteristics of drug addiction - just as it happens with drugs, when a person falls in love with someone, that person he needs more and more <...>. There are other coincidences with real addiction: personality changes, withdrawal syndrome". From an interview with H. Fischer

Lovers act on each other as a pain reliever. There was a study in which fifteen lovers participated, whose relationship lasted nine months. They were examined using an fMRI machine, subject to thermal pain stimuli of varying intensity. In this case, the subjects were shown photographs. Photos of friends had no effect on pain. But the photographs of the lovers did reduce the pain: upon presentation, the reward system, including the nucleus accumbens, the amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex, was activated. Drugs have the same property.
L. Young, B. Alexander “The Chemistry of Love. A scientific view of love, sex and attraction". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

There is such a form of idealization as "vision aberration" or "object revaluation". This is how V.V. Rozanov notes this: "... the lover sees, in fact, not a specific person, but, as it were, the angelic side of a specific person, his double, and his best, heavenly double." And here are some more figurative descriptions of this affect:

Under the influence of the above-described endogenous drugs, changes occur at the level of the global "worldview" of the individual, the perception of the inner and outer world, a person passes into another reality of the picture of himself and the world. These ecstatic, extrasensory, summit phenomena of experience in psychology have given the name "the trap of falling in love":

is a recognition trap. It sounds like this: “As soon as I met you, I immediately felt that I was looking for you. I recognized you at once ”;

is a trap of infinity of time. It sounds like this: “We have known each other for only a few hours, (minutes, moments), but it seems to me that I have known you all my life”;

is the reunion trap. It sounds like this: "When I am with you, I feel like a different person, I gain what I have long lacked in my life";

is a necessity trap. It sounds like this: "I can't live without you!" Lovers are so absorbed in each other that they do not imagine their separate existence possible. This can be compared to how a newborn cannot live without a mother;

is the trap of the eternity of feeling. It sounds like this: “I am sure of the eternity of our feelings”;

is a deification trap. It sounds like this: “Yes, you know how extraordinary he is. To any doubt, beloved: "Yes, you just do not understand anything in people";

- trap "first love" . It sounds like this: "My feeling for you flashed again with the same brightness." But as Nancy Kalish, a professor of psychology at the University of Sacramento, warns: "Never look for your first love: 62% of searches end up in the destruction of marriage and family."

Here's how L.N. Tolstoy describes Natasha Rostova's experience of falling in love with Anatoly Kuragin:

“Three days,” Natasha said. - I think I have loved him for a hundred years. It seems to me that I have never loved anyone before him. You cannot understand this. Sonia, wait, sit here. - Natasha hugged and kissed her.

- I was told that it happens and you heard it correctly, but now I just experienced this love. This is not what it used to be. As soon as I saw him, I felt that he was my master, and I was his slave, and that I could not help but love him. Yes, a slave! What he tells me, I will do. You don't understand this. What am I supposed to do? What am I to do, Sonya? - Natasha said with a happy and frightened face".

Then she made an attempt to escape with Anatol Kuragin from the parental home.

It should be recalled, only that Natasha was experiencing a stormy mutual love for Prince Andrei Bolkonsky and was already engaged to him. And even earlier, she experienced an exciting "first love" with Boris Drubetsky.

Another artistic version of experiencing the trap of falling in love, M.A. Bulgakov "The Master and Margarita":

“She turned from Tverskaya into an alley and then turned around. Well, do you know Tverskaya? In Tver were thousands of people, but I promise you that she saw me alone and looked not something that anxious, but even as painful. And I was struck not so much by her beauty as by the extraordinary, unseen loneliness in her eyes! Obeying this yellow sign, I also turned into an alley and followed in her footsteps. We walked silently down the crooked, boring alley , me on one side and she on the other. And there was, imagine, not a soul in the alley . I was tormented because it was necessary to talk to her, and I was anxious that I would not utter a single word, but she would leave, and I would never see her again ...

And, imagine, she suddenly spoke:

- Do you like my flowers?

I distinctly remember how her voice sounded, rather low , but with breakdowns, and, stupidly enough , it seemed that an echo struck in the alley and reflected off the yellow dirty wall. I quickly went over to her side and, approaching her, answered:

- No.

She looked at me in surprise, and I suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, realized that I had loved this particular woman all my life! That is so a thing, eh? Are you crazy, of course?

<>

Love jumped out in front of us, like out of the ground pops a killer in the lane, and struck us both at once!

This is how lightning strikes, this is how the Finnish knife strikes!

She, however, later claimed that this was not so, that we loved each other, of course, a long time ago, not knowing each other, never seeing, and that she lived with another person, and I was there then ... with this one, like her ...".

In lovers experiencing their violent feelings, both all of the listed signs and only some of them may be present, it all depends on the degree of involvement in this feeling and at what stage the love is.

Gives the sky ultramarine
Adrenaline fries the body
Here she came spring, like paranoia
A fuse hit the chest of love, there will be an explosion,
Here she came spring, like paranoia,
The spring signal sounded:
All to the detachment
Oh - oh paranoia!
Oh - oh paranoia!

The time is coming
Birds come from the south.
The snowy mountains are melting
And not to sleep
The time comes, people lose their heads
And this time is called spring

Fans of romantic love describe this situation in a standard way: "we met our eyes, and, bam, a spark slipped through and lit a passionate fire." And here is how L.N. Tolstoy in The Kreutzer Sonata. Pozdnyshev's story about his wife's tragic romance with Trukhachevsky, which never flared up: “From the first minute he met his wife's eyes , I saw that the beast sitting in both of them , in addition to all the conditions of the situation and the world, asked:“ Can I? " - and answered: "Oh yes, very much." I saw that he had never expected to meet in my wife, in a Moscow lady, such an attractive woman, and was very glad of this. Because he had no doubts that she agreed. The whole question was so that the unbearable husband did not interfere". L.N. Tolstoy, not knowing anything about the "hormonal cocktail" yet, offered his figurative explanation: "the beast sitting in them" starts amorous relationships.

In our culture, beautiful, bright courtship is considered a sign of great love. In one of the talk shows, the presenter always asks the heroine the question: "How did he courting?" And according to the "beauty" of courtship, this is already determined by true love or simply passion.

A friend of mine spent two years getting to know each other first and then building a relationship with a beautiful stranger. He calculated situations, how best to arrange "random" meetings, thought over what to "accidentally" talk about. He tried very hard both with flowers and with gifts - and the fortress was taken.

Imagine the disappointment of a friend when he saw that this body was not at all such a soul as he thought, and that this soul was not at all the heart that he was looking for. This does not mean that she turned out to be a bitch who is only interested in material goods and not an obvious selfish, self-centered woman, she was a normal woman, but her whole inner world turned out to be alien to him. After three months of close relationship, they had nothing to talk about. The candy-bouquet stage was over, and the next stage in the development of relations did not begin, boredom began. For more than two years he conquered a fictional image of himself, the ideal of his heart, which he artificially connected with an outwardly pretty and mysterious woman at first. Two wounds fell on two hearts. One is disappointment in unrealizable dreams, the other is the pain of separation from a person who has barely met.

Another sad story. Konstantin Simonov met Valentina Serova when he divorced, and she divorced, she had a son. After meeting, she treated him coldly. He courted her for a long time, won. He wrote poems dedicated to her, these poems were published, and the whole country knew about his feelings. There were many women who were jealous of her. After they began a relationship, he learned that she loved expensive wines. After a glass of wine, she became spontaneous, cheerful. Simonov often went on business trips and brought good wine from them, sometimes even a whole box. So Valentina got involved in relieving stress and fatigue with wine, which later turned into alcoholism. They divorced 16 years later. There remained a daughter, Masha, whom Simonov loved very much. He brightly, violently sought and beautifully courted, wrote many poems, and it all ended in a banal divorce, burdened by Valentina's drunken alcoholism.

If in the plots of the previous two letters the love has already passed, then in the next story, the middle of the end of love is recorded.

From a letter from Agnes 22 years old: “I met a young man for three years. Everything was fine, then one morning suddenly questions appeared: do I need this relationship, do I love him? And after a couple of weeks, when I met him, I began to feel a lump in my throat and a desire to get away from him as far as possible. We tried to fix this by keeping communication to a minimum so that I could rest. But nothing helped.
I could not stand this feeling, it choked me. She was forced to leave her beloved. After the breakup, everything went away. Now he is making attempts to get the relationship back. I promised to give us a second chance, and this unpleasant feeling in my body returned.
But I am drawn to a young man, I want to be with him. He always supports me, cares. We have similar interests, I was comfortable with him (before a lump in my throat appears and I feel the desire to leave).
Tell me why is this happening to me and what to do? "

I collect our meetings, our days, like a thread - it's so long.
I try to forget, but another attempt pricks me with a needle.
I put all dreams in their places -
Stronger nerves, less faith day after day, but burn it with fire,
Only thoughts are all about him and about him, about him and about him ...

I will rise to the sky to him,
I will fall into the abyss after him,
I'm behind him, I'm sorry, - pride,
I am behind him alone, I am alone with him.

I understand that for the sake of appearance I smile at my friends - it's not easy.
I would put a full stop, but again the comma is serious.
I'm scattering from longing to pieces,
To pieces - everything is useless day after day, but burn it with fire,
Only thoughts are all about him and about him, about him and about him ...

The most difficult and dramatic is the first love, which is called the "first love" among young people.

Accurately and beautifully describes A.S. Pushkin is the sequence of processes of first falling in love - “a genetically predetermined instinctive component of mating,” Tatyana Larina from “Eugene Onegin.” The composition and action of hormones have been described above, but their poetic interpretation.
To her
“... I liked novels early;
They replaced everything for her;
She fell in love with deceptions and Richardson and Russo ...".
...
And in the heart the thought was buried; Film The Time Has Come, She Fell In Love.
So the grain has fallen into the ground
Spring is revived by fire.
It has long been her imagination,
Burning with bliss and melancholy,
Alkalo food fatal;
Long sincere anguish
Her young breasts were pressed against her;
The soul was waiting ... for someone,

And she waited ... Eyes were opened;
She said: this is it!
...
Invisible, you were already dear to me,
Your wonderful look tormented me,
In my soul, your voice rang out
For a long time ... no, it was not a dream!
You just entered, I instantly recognized
Everything was stunned, flamed
And in my thoughts she said: here he is!

The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev

Another characteristic of falling in love was discovered by the professor of sociology Francesco Alberoni "Friendship and love". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...":
“Is it possible to love two people at once? Sure. To love one person and be in love with another at the same time? Undoubtedly. Fall in love with two at the same time? No. Each of us loves several people at once: we love our mother and our father, our life partner and our children. None of these loves excludes the other, does not prejudice her in any way.
And in the same way a man can love two wives at once, and one woman can love two husbands. Anyone who continues to love their first spouse can fall in love with someone else. Moreover, this is what happens most often. But falling in love with two people at once is impossible".

On our site, several articles are devoted to how to distinguish love from falling in love - romantic love:

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

If to eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-lovers. E. Pushkarev

"... when the kiss is over" (about a love story without love) V. Dolinsky.

What is love, what is romance and what is the difference between them. Robert A. Johnson.

One of the basic needs of a modern person is to learn to distinguish between earthly love, which is the basis of any relationship, and romantic love ... Robert A. Johnson.

One of the greatest paradoxes of romantic love is that it has nothing to do with earthly relationships. Robert A. Johnson.

Romantic love, following its paradoxical nature, constantly fools us. Robert A. Johnson.

And at the end of this article, I would like to pay special attention to how to distinguish between natural and fake love. If in natural love they are clearly manifested:

- a spiritualized attraction to a specific personality, which temporarily acquires super-significance;

- striving for merging, deep, all-round relationship with the object of his attraction and reverence, to be represented and expressed as much as possible in his life;

- an urgent need for reciprocal feelings;

- the desire to reproduce offspring.

then in false love they are not pronounced or absent.

Additional disclosure of the topic, aspects of falling in love that were not included in this article:
I'm married, but I fell in love ...

Animals can tell a lot about human love and our sexual behavior. ... when it comes to courtship and reproduction, animals - even those considered primitive - are influenced by the same substances that we are. These substances trigger certain behaviors in both animals and humans. A person has preserved elements of behavior similar to those in the behavior of animals, because he has the same chemicals in his body as in animals, and also because certain nerve cells (neurons) are preserved in his brain, which are susceptible to these substances.
L. Young, B. Alexander “The Chemistry of Love. A scientific view of love, sex and attraction". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

In grape snails, direct mating is preceded by long "mating dances", during which the partners prick each other with the so-called "love arrows" - lime needles.

How elephants are in love. To do this, it is necessary that estrus should come not only for the elephant, but also for the elephant, by this time they find each other by secreted secrets. In the female African elephant, estrus lasts about five days at any time of the year. For 3-4 days they become inseparable by stroking and spanking each other between copulation sessions. Both show inexhaustible energy, do not sleep and hardly eat. They often touch and "talk" with different timbre elephant rumbling. When the elephant's estrus declines, they diverge. The elephant becomes pregnant at twenty-two months and the next two years of feeding. Therefore, female elephants experience love once every four years, an elephant, if lucky, more often.

"Falling in love is just a chemistry"?

In this article, a lot has been written about neuroactive substances and neurochemical reactions occurring in the brain, and there will certainly be those who will once again declare: "Here is another confirmation that love, being in love is just chemistry." I have repeatedly had to oppose such a vulgar formulation of the question. The entire human body is a multi-storey chemical factory that works tirelessly when we are awake, and when we are sleeping, and when we are happy, and when we are shaking with fear. Chemical reactions take place in my brain when I write this, chemical reactions take place in your brain when you read, these are ordinary processes. But there are especially important brain processes that determine our future life, therefore, in addition to subjective experience, more accurate markers of the ongoing chemical reactions in our brain are needed.

One of the main topics of the Club's help How to get rid of "love"? .

An example from a letter to the Club. "I turned to you because I suffer very much, I love one person for 24 years. When we were young, we studied at the same institute, but then without passing the exam he was taken to the army. I went to see him every week, but stupid jealousy, In the same month I fell ill, lost 10 kg, quit college and work and for two months simply did not see anything, then the love of my parents gradually brought me out of this situation. I got married, gave birth to a son and was happy. But after 9 years in my life he appears again. I again seemed to lose my head, again believed that he loved me, cheated on my husband. I felt the happiest in the world, did not live flying through the air He told my husband everything, insisted on my divorce. Now I have been dating him for 9 years, but he still remains in his family. Everything promises that we will be together, but he is looking for opportunities just to spend time with me well, calmly and blames me I am that we are not together. When alone, I understand everything. When I forget everything with him, everything in the world. My Soul Hurts. Ksenia, 41 years old, Moscow ".

And this is not an isolated case. 20% of Muscovites (18% in Russia) never get married, and half of them never get married for this very reason - love addiction , which our culture often calls “addictive love” “overselective love”, “neurotic love”, “too much love”, “more than love”, “compulsive love”, “toxic love”, etc. .d.

And also I can't love, I just can't, I can't. . Also in the letters they write: "... I often fall in love, I am completely confused," ... I miss my husband's love ...", "I am married, but I really want to fall in love ...", I'm married but in love ...

That "chemistry" does not work for everyone? Or is there "right chemistry" and there is "wrong chemistry"?

Neuroactive substances work differently in different people. It was found that oxytocin affects the ability to recognize acquaintances, i.e., social memory, without affecting the memory of events associated with inanimate objects. Oxytocin increases trust in strangers, it also has a stress-protective effect - it increases serenity, reduces anxiety. It is also called the "trust hormone" and "family hormone".

But it only modulates, enhances all the wonderful properties described above, subject to a number of psychological conditions.

For example, back in the 1970s. Professor AI Belkin has successfully used oxytocin in the treatment of certain neuroses. But he only used it as an adjunct to psychotherapeutic interventions. Oxytocin alone was ineffective.

Orphans who were adopted between the ages of 12 and 16 months were subjected to the social stress of public speaking. It turned out that interaction with the foster mother immediately after the performance did not increase their oxytocin secretion. At the same time, a sharp rise in oxytocin in words of consolation, encouragement and praise was recorded in children with their own mothers, and they calm down much faster.

Another experiment compared adult women who grew up in different conditions. Women, who were often punished with maternal exclusion in childhood, did not respond to oxytocin administration in the same way as women whose childhood punishment did not include “punishment by dislike”.

These are all examples of how the study of the interaction of biological factors with purely psychological ones can lead to practically different conclusions. The influence on the future ability to love is also important, the degree of the child's emotional relationship not only with the mother, but also with the father, they are different. Here is how G. Harlow describes it: “Fathers in such cohabiting families do not allow mothers - their female partners and neighbors - to offend or abandon the baby and serve as a binding force that protects the group from enemies, primarily from experimenters. In addition, fathers, due to some kind of evolutionary mechanism, which is not yet clear to us, show affection equally to all babies. Many fathers play with them much more than mothers. Fathers ignore the manifestation of aggression from infants and adolescents, they allow them to pinch, bite, pull on the tail and ears. Which, by the way, they would never allow older or adult monkeys - neither males nor females".

Whoever likes it. E Pushkarev

Thus, it is more correct to call oxytocin not a "love hormone", but one of the factors involved in organizing a complex state of love.

Modern technologies make it possible to understand how the brain works, which zones are responsible for certain processes. But this does not at all exclude the joy of feelings that we experience, unearthly sensations when "the soul sings." Therefore, "love is just chemistry" this applies only to pre-social animals, and in social and especially in humans, inter-sex individual love depends on how full and harmonious were the relationships in the family in which he was brought up. From the whole chain: maternal love, baby's love for mother, love for peers, paternal love.

Whoever likes it. E Pushkarev

“The brain and the chemical processes occurring in it, of course, affect our behavior, but love is never fully programmed,” says Alexander Chernorizov, Doctor of Psychology, Professor. - Of course, we also depend on the "hormonal component" of love - this ancient driving force of our survival, but the chemistry of hormones alone is not enough to explain the success or failure of a relationship. The power of hormones is great, but the power of personal, social experience is also great. In real life, these factors work together, and one cannot say that any of them prevails".

E Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Classifications of love relationships. E. Pushkarev.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

If to eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

"First love" and its outcome. Dean Kelis, K. Phillips.

"First love" is an important step in puberty. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love and love. V. Albisetti

Falling in love K.S. Lewis

Falling in love. G. Chapman.

Falling in love and hypnosis. S. Freud

Sigmund Freud about love.

Chemistry of Love (video)

Daniel Amen “Brain and love. Secrets of Practical Neurobiology ".

Roland Barthes "Fragments of a Lover's Speech"

A. Gulenkov "Chemistry of Love"

Robert Johnson “We. The deeper aspects of romantic love "

Robert Johnson "HE: Deep Aspects of Male Psychology"

Robert Johnson "She: The Deeper Aspects of Female Psychology"

Robert Johnson "Dreams and Fantasies Analysis and Uses"

Viktor Dobroslavovich “Love or being in love? Fatal mistake of Mankind! "

Andrey Kosenko "100 and 1 romantic idea"

Nikolay Kurdyumov "Successology of love (textbook for smart lovers)"

Helen Fisher “Why we love. The nature and chemistry of romantic love "

V.R. Khamidova "Dream Interpretation for Lovers"

Larry Young, Brian Alexander “The Chemistry of Love. A scientific view of love, sex and attraction "

and others

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