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How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-love. E. Pushkarev

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Both unbridled pleasure and chaste affection are called love.
Lucian (120-180 AD)

Igor and Alla Ugolnikov By the end of the twentieth century, an advanced team of anthropologists, neuropsychologists, neurochemists, neurobiologists, psychotherapists, philosophers, and other professionals managed to solve almost all the riddles of love and even more. It’s more like finding love through knowledge.

From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony.

A person does not have an innate gift, to distinguish love from falling in love, other pseudo-loving states, this can be done only by mastering knowledge. And the fact that most people have not yet mastered this knowledge can be judged by:

70 - 80% of people (in different social groups in different ways) marry "for love". And then:

"Now (1999) half of young families break up in the first year of life, two thirds - in the first five years, in 70% of families that have not yet broken up, the spouses are in tense relations."
D.philos.n. V.M. Rozin "Problems of love in the context of the contradictions of the modern family"

Only 1.5% of the Russians surveyed answered positively to the question "Are your relations with your beloved one in harmony".

“According to official statistics, we have 70 divorces per 100 marriages. And I say that 100% of marriages are divorces. We don't have families as such. It's just that people live in isolation in one territory, isolated from each other.

These are our families that only the outer shell keeps people together. I researched families where the marriage lasted 10-15 years, and asked, asked a question of this type: "You would now marry your husband, but only everything will happen again as it was." And vice versa. As a result, only 5% of men did not regret having married this woman. And 9% of women. But, let's say, I agree to marry her, and my wife would not marry me now, if on a new one. So out of 11,400 families of this kind, it turned out, there are five, where there is a mutual choice".
Corresponding Member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M.E. Litvak "Love is a rare thing."

... that a truly loving husband and wife seem to be the exception.
E. Fromm "To have or to be" 1976

A wise psychotherapist in the study of conjugal love in a survey did not use this word itself and the correctness of this lies in the fact that if he asked a direct question "Do you love your spouse now" he would receive the answer:
Yes - 59%
Periodically - 34%
I Hate - 7%
From the internet - poll.

And he asked a hidden, expert question and got a reliable picture of the love of the spouses.


- firstly, the respondent is inclined to answer not what actually is, but what he considers appropriate in this situation.

- secondly, this word in our culture is understood not at all what it is.

... falling in love, love and passion, which are elements of the same synonymous series.
K.filol.n S.V. Valiulina

And this means that all native speakers of the Russian language at the mental, everyday level confuse love with falling in love, as well as with other pseudo-loving states. But on the cognitive level, the question "is love different from falling in love?" will answer in the affirmative and give arguments: being in love is passionate, superficial, and love is a deeper and more meaningful feeling. In this case, a fair question arises: "Why then did you, like everyone else, marry out of love?" But because:

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

And extremely toxic "Ecology of the culture of love."

... hardly any word is surrounded by such ambiguity and confusion as the word "love". It is used to refer to almost every feeling that is not associated with hatred and disgust. It includes everything from the love of ice cream to the love of the symphony, from the light sympathy to the deepest sense of intimacy. People feel loving when they are "infatuated" with someone. They also call their addiction and their possessiveness love.
E. Fromm "Man for himself" 1947

Often times, love is nothing more than a mutually beneficial deal made by two people, each of whom gets the most of what he can count on based on the value of both of them in the market for individuals.
E. Fromm "Sane Society"

Often what is taken for love is that which is not. The custom of "getting married", common economic interests, mutual affection for children, mutual dependence - all this is perceived as "love" until one or both partners admit that they do not love and have never loved each other.
E. Fromm "Love and its decay in modern society"

Based on the results of the above statistics, it is possible to derive a formula characterizing the situation with intersexual, individual love, where in the numerator mountains of love literature, cinema, television, the Internet are saturated with it, in the denominator the overwhelming number of people (including those who are married) are in an intense search for love, in a state of frustration of "unfulfilled love readiness", and as a result - the bottom line, about 0.5% of the lucky ones live and enjoy it in love. Ulrich Beck and his wife Elisabeth in their work Absolutely Normal Chaos of Love (1990) characterize this situation not just as chaos, but as the reality in which we live, as a normal situation.

And from these statistics, we can conclude that most people have never felt what love is. Therefore, it is best to start a substantive conversation about love with the definition given by its most famous researcher Erich Fromm, whose work undoubtedly influenced subsequent studies of this topic: “Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It implies care, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop. This is a manifestation of closeness between two human beings, provided that the integrity of each of them is preserved".
"Care and responsibility mean that love is an activity, not a passion that overwhelmed someone, and not an affect that" captures "someone.
“Love is an active action, not a passive acceptance, much less“ falling somewhere ”.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

In his works Fromm introduced new concepts and explanations: "true love", "fruitful love", "mature love". He also explained - falling in love is one of the forms of pseudo-love , introduced and decoded the concepts of "fake love", "sentimental love", "neurotic love".

Love as mutual sexual satisfaction or love as "well-coordinated work" and a refuge from loneliness are two "normal" forms of pseudo-love in modern Western society, social models of the pathology of love.
E. Fromm "Love and its decay in modern society"

The confirmation and continuation of Fromm's ideas can be the works of Zeke Rubin. As a result of research on happy and unhappy couples in love, Zeke Rubin (1973, University of Michigan) was able to identify three main, and importantly measured components: sexual individual love: affection, care and intimacy (trust).

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Affection is defined as the desire for the physical presence of a loved one and the willingness to receive - to show emotional support.

Caring is anxiety and actions to ensure the well-being of another.

Intimacy, close, trusting relationship with a person, when each in a pair not only without fear shares with the other his experiences, thoughts, ideas, but also with confidence to be understood and supported.

Also, in confirmation of the fidelity of the ideas of E. Fromm and those who followed in his channel, there may be "Chinese love".

The expression and experience of feelings of love in Russians differs from those of other nationalities:
- subjects of Russian nationality are characterized by inconsistency, irrationality. Love is associated with beauty, happiness, joy, delight - on the one hand, and with sadness, suffering, longing, sadness, tears - on the other.
- the subjects of the Chinese nationality are characterized by rationality, there is no contradiction, love for them is harmony, perfection, music, melody, poem.
Candidate of cultural studies A.V. Sevryuk

... in the Chinese linguistic consciousness, the idea is cultivated that love is born from a feeling of friendship. This is confirmed in the analysis of the character "love" in the Chinese language - both complex and simplified versions of the character basically contain the ideogram "friend". Hence, we can draw a conclusion about the similarity in the Chinese linguistic consciousness of the signs of "love" and "friendship". Turning to the concept of love, we do not see an absolute analogy between Russian and Chinese national characters. This is all the more inappropriate since the origins of the Russian and Chinese words love are not identical.
Philologist Ch. Abidueva “Paremiological analysis of the concept“ love ”in Russian and Chinese cultures.

This means that the linguistic consciousness of the love of the Chinese is more consistent with the ideas of Aristotle, Plato, E. Fromm and modern scientific research than the Russians. You may recall that the age of the Chinese ethnic group is many times greater than the Russian. Perhaps it is not a sin to learn from an older and wiser person, an ethnic group. If the Chinese begin to tell the theory of E. Fromm about the fruitfulness of love, they will answer that for them this is a self-evident practice for many centuries. And when I started talking about it on one of our forums about love, I was simply banned because the moderator considered it indecent sedition and heresy.

Two thousand years ago, the ancient Roman poet Tibullus called love "the sweetest secret." So in our time, there are clearly more supporters and defenders of this metaphor, and they are not ready to give up their principles.

And all because “Love (in Russian) is full of antinomies (contradictions): it is ambivalent (two opposite feelings at the same time) - it includes the moment of hatred for your partner, together with pleasure it brings suffering, it is the result of free the choice of the object and the extreme dependence on it". Doctor of Philology S.G. Vorkachev.

The concept of love in the Russian language consciousness. S. Vorkachev.

The etymological analysis of the definition of love, carried out by the philologists I. Levova, L. Pashnina, led the authors to the conclusion about the inconsistency of its context, since on the one hand, the concept is based on pushing another person to active actions, on the other hand, it consists in anxious expectation of something and a feeling of deception.

In the scientific literature, the connection between love and many positive and negative emotions has been recorded, such as reverence, gratitude, benevolence, anger, cruelty, envy, courtesy, revenge, hope, resentment, hatred, displeasure, sadness, depression, censure, praise, devotion, gratitude, humiliation, drunkenness, joy, debauchery, jealousy, pride, self-satisfaction, avarice, compassion, fear, confidence, pleasure, ambition and gluttony.
K. philological sciences. M.V. Smolentseva

Love in France is a comedy, in England it is a tragedy, in Italy it is an opera, in Germany it is a melodrama.
Marguerite de Blessington (1789-1849) English writer

Let me remind you that the main thing in the solution to love turned out to be that the term "love" was used to describe several outwardly similar, but different in nature mental phenomena. If we consider and systematize with the help of equipment, biochemical studies and tests all the drives between a man and a woman, then we get four independent systems in the work of the brain as independent, mental units:

1. love;

                True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

                Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.

                Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

2. Natural falling in love;

                Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

                I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

                Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

3. Poor quality falling in love;

                Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev.

                Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.

                Poor quality falling in love - eros. E. Pushkarev

                A large selection of articles and books on love addiction, which our culture often calls "addictive love", "over-selective love", "neurotic love", "too much love", "more than love", "compulsive love", "toxic love", etc. and people suffering from these disorders.

4. Lust (lat. libido) - lust, sensual libido, “longing flesh ", acolasia (other gr.) - body pleasures, luxuria (Latin)," fals amore ", libido -" dark force of attraction "(according to Z. Freud ), “Genital tyranny” (according to V. Reich) the need for sexual satisfaction in relaxation is a purely biological, cyclical process consisting of several stages, each of which is accompanied by specific experiences, often not associated with specific relationships, and therefore impersonal.

Loneliness will set our nets more than once for us,
And we, naive, deceived, again,
Let us take the languor of the flesh for love.
A. S. Pushkin

                All articles about sex, orgasms (M and F) and their significance.

More about the difference between love and lust (lust, sex) Summary.

And they occur almost always in the most varied combinations and combinations, rarely as independent.

Each of these systems - psychological mechanisms - has its own neural correlate. These correlates are commonly referred to as brain modules, or brain relay systems. Each system is responsible for its own specific sensory and behavioral repertoire. Almost always, several systems operate at the same time, so complex networks are formed. Researchers of love "before the instrument era" considered each combination to be an independent type (type, color) of love, which is why there are so many of its most different classifications and interpretations.

Classifications of love relationships. E. Pushkarev.

Among all the misconceptions about love, the most effective and widespread is the idea that falling in love is also love, or at least one of its manifestations. This delusion is effective because falling in love is subjectively experienced as vividly as love.
Doctor M.S. Pitch

The myth of romantic love. Morgan Scott Peck

The task of every person who cares in finding true love is to learn to distinguish between their own experiences: feelings, emotions, attractions, dreams, fantasies, illusions, prejudices. There are complex and expensive methods for determining the differences between them using functional magnetic resonance imaging or positron emission tomography, biochemical, neurophysiological or psychophysiological studies.

A romantic love feeling consists of several components: psychological, physiological, somato-vegetative, and others. Most of these components can be accurately measured by modern methods, so that today we can determine the strength of a love feeling.
Psychotherapist, sexologist, Ph.D. Sci., Professor A.M. Poleev.

Jealousy through the eyes of a psychotherapist. A. Poleev.

And you can distinguish them for free using your own knowledge, understandings and tests. Since the love riddles have been solved, let's look at specific examples of how to use these clues and determine which of the emotional states a person is currently experiencing.

We will not discuss now what can be done to improve, correct the relationship in the examples discussed below, what efforts will be required in which direction. We set ourselves the goal of objective identification of the feeling that the author of the letter is experiencing at the moment and whether it can develop into love or into something else. Only preliminary conclusions have been made on the basis of one letter; more complete information is needed for specific recommendations.

Stories from letters that came to the Club.

And let's start with the most severe, painful form, its description is in medical textbooks and on our website it is described in detail and comprehensively, tests are given to determine both the disorder itself and to identify those who are still predisposed to it:

Love and sexual addictions. A. Egorov

Detection tests:
love addiction according to Egorov;
of Sexual Addiction by P. Carnes (Carnes).

Individual psychological determinants of love addiction in girls. S. Skvortsova

Poor quality falling in love - mania and its painful, addictive stage.

“I turned to you because I suffer a lot, I love one person for 24 years. In the same month I fell ill, lost 10 kg, quit college and work and for two months simply did not see anything, then the love of my parents gradually brought me out of this situation. I got married and gave birth to a son and was happy. But after 9 years in my life he appears again. I again seemed to lose my head, again believed that he loved me, cheated on my husband. I felt the happiest in the world, did not live flying through the air He himself told my husband everything, insisted on my divorce. Now I have been dating him for 9 years, but he still remains in his family. Everything promises that we will be together, but he is looking for opportunities just to spend time with me well, calmly and blames me I am that we are not together. When alone, I understand everything. When I forget everything with him, everything in the world. My Soul Hurts.
Ksenia, 41, Moscow ".

The feelings that Ksenia is experiencing is a pronounced, terry "love addiction", about which she turned to the Club. Unhappy lovers who have recognized the gravity of their situation and made the decision to give up the unhealthy feeling in the first weeks of "disorganized" release give up. A breakdown sets in, the lover again makes an unsuccessful attempt to organize his love relationship.

This is due to the fact that the sufferers are constantly "replaying" in their heads a variety of episodes from painful relationships. They are constantly looking for a reason: "Why did he say that?", "Why did he do that?", "What did he mean?" “I told him this…, but I had to say this, how… and then he would understand me and our relationship would be restored as before.” Speaking or thinking about the object of his suffering, the person creates the illusion of contact with him - in this case, it is like a protective mechanism of the psyche that brings relief to the suffering from the fact that the beloved is not around.

A lot of sufferers with "experience" have already turned to psychotherapists and during periods of exacerbation underwent drug treatment with diagnoses: neurasthenia, neurosis, depression, with the prescription of drugs of special action. But as soon as there was an improvement in somatic health, thoughts again plunged into a painful, endless sequence: “I cannot live without him,” “without him, life loses its meaning” or “I need to sort things out again and if I tell him ... he is definitely me will understand ”and other similar phrases.

In the content of such experiences, it is necessary to especially emphasize the "feeling of grief" associated with the rejection of painful relationships. This means that a sufferer who has given up the object of his painful love, which is the subject of dominant emotional attachment, experiences grief in the same way as a person who has lost a close relative. A sufferer in love has the thought "but without this person and the feelings associated with him, life simply loses all meaning." At this difficult stage of recovery, the help and support of a specialist is important. A well-known psychotherapist from California compares alcoholism with a disease of poor quality in love, Robin Norwood, in her book "Do not be a slave to love."

From the standpoint of psychotherapy, everything is known and understood, methodologically, these disorders are treated as known, but in life, in practice, everything is not so simple. And the main difficulty is anosognosia, not admitting the painful feeling of the experienced feeling by the addict himself.

Xenia, like many love sufferers,

20% of Muscovites (15% of women across the country) never marry, and half of them do not marry precisely because of "over-selective love" - one of the forms of addiction.
I didn’t have the courage, the goodwill, to get out of this complex mental problem.

All psychiatrists know that for some people suffering, despite its excruciating nature, becomes necessary.

When I am not dying of love, when I have nothing to die of, then I am ready to die!
Edith Piaf.

K. pskh. Mr. A. L. Fedosova explains this: "The main motive of individuals with a tendency to addictive forms of behavior is an active change in their mental state, which does not satisfy them, which they speak of as "gray", "boring", "monotonous", "apathetic".

Psychological features of love addiction and ways to overcome it. A. Fedosova

This is an example when it is already impossible to get rid of "love", "medicine is powerless." Love addicts, like all other addicts, can be helped only if they are willing or ready to get rid of the disease disorder.

There are socially acceptable, treatable forms of of low-quality falling in love.

"Hello. We have been together for 3.5 years. We had an ideal relationship, we completely trusted each other, I was sure that he loved me. Then I decided to part with him, the feelings faded. We did not communicate for 4 months, then he started calling, wanted to return. In the end, we got back together again. Again, everything was perfect for 3 months, he proved his love every day, and I'm sure that he loved me madly. But then quarrels and scandals began for nothing. I know that in most cases I am to blame, because I’m getting started with sex and very jealous of him.
And suddenly, after another quarrel, he disappeared. I couldn't get through to him for almost two days. And when I got through, he said that he was tired of these scandals and he had another one. I tried to persuade him to return. He said that the feelings are gone and he no longer loves. We haven't communicated for about two months. Then we met, I had to pick up my things. He wanted to make up. And he said he loved. And I forgave him everything. And this was repeated more than once. Now he is not the same as before, I am not sure of him, and every time we even have a little quarrel, I am afraid that he will do it again ... disappear again and go to another.
I don't know what to do, I love him. But I'm not sure of him. He pays little attention to me and makes me guilty in all situations, and I don't want to argue with him, it's better for me to just keep silent than to scandalize again. I know what he is, when he loves, he is ready to move mountains, and all the attention is only to me. And now it’s not like that. And he talks to his ex. And he himself always forbade me to communicate with the ex, he said that you cannot be friends after a relationship. And now he says the opposite, that they are just friends with her and this is possible? I get upset, and he freaks out about it. I don't know what to do ... help ...
Аlisa-sofi "

Club: If the duration of this story was less than a year, it would be safe to talk about natural love. By this time, falling in love comes to some kind of logical boundary: further development or separation. And with such a long-term relationship, this is already poor quality love, while in a socially acceptable form.

You can say for sure that this is not love. According to Z. Rubin, all three mental components are absent in a stable form. In this amorous couple there is an attraction to some individual traits of the partner or to their combination. It can be both purely psychological and with an active sexual component - young age, hormones. With all this, there is also some kind of mutual stimulus, which tends to accumulate, which means that after some time it will reach a critical value.

I am already quite an adult woman, some of my classmates are already busy with their grandchildren. For 3 years I cannot move away from love for a married man. The first year everything was deafeningly pleasant. Now there is practically no relationship, it was interrupted on his initiative almost 1.5 years ago. Recently we met again as friends, at my request, because I was very bored.
The matter is clear, but there is one more detail. For a year now I have been anonymously "following" on the twitter of his student son, he is a very interesting smart boy, and I periodically enter into discussions with him on various issues. He thinks I'm also a guy about his age or a little older. Thus, I am aware of what is happening in the house of my beloved. I know that this is only addictive, but I can’t help it yet.
What worries me. From time to time, when I am angry with my beloved that he ignores me, I have a terrible desire to lay his son, to destroy their world. How can I stop these thoughts of revenge, he did not promise me anything, although he broke off relations very abruptly, I suffered terribly and still think about him with others almost always.
His son, with whom I correspond, sometimes annoys me a little with his youthful maximalism, for example, he claims that a bitter truth is always better than a sweet lie, etc. It's very difficult for me to restrain myself and not blurt out, do you want to know the truth about your dad? How can I deal with my "bad" intentions? L. V."

Club: The best way to get rid of bad intentions is to get rid of the addiction of love itself.

This is a story of mania, which develops not towards a cure, but towards an even more painful addiction. If L.V. I turned to a psychotherapist for help 1.5 years ago, right after parting, then I would have freed myself from this disorder and could build healthy emotional relationships. Those who have recovered from "painful love" gain useful experience, a new vision of sexual relations, and become wiser.

Natural falling in love .

This is the most common amorous - erotic experience, the overwhelming majority of people have a similar, repeated sensory experience. In our culture, there is an attitude: falling in love is passion, hormones, this is where love begins. And love is when everything is deep and serious, the drives are directed to the centers of individuals. And at the same time, it is somehow overlooked that falling in love is a genetically predetermined instinctive component of the formation of paired bonds for the purpose of conceiving, carrying and feeding young for the first months or years. For millions of years, nature and evolution have shaped this complex psycho-hormonal period in the life of the population, and man has learned to use it for his hedonistic purposes. After all, this is an interesting and pleasant state of intoxication falling in love : euphoria, high spirits, creativity, “soul sings".

The Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega y Gasset called falling in love "an abnormal state of attention that is manifested in a normal person."
Another sign of falling in love:
"... pure voluptuousness goes ahead of its object."

I'm pretty sure most people I know equate love with feeling or emotion. They fall in love and fall out of love. The flame of love in their heart is quickly extinguished, and a new match is needed for it to ignite again.
John Powell

The main sign of falling in love is that if it is experienced as a mutual, full-time feeling, its average duration is six months, the maximum is 30 months (according to H. Fisher)

And then:

We cannot fall in love a second time with those whom we once really fell out of love.
Leo Tolstoy

It is very difficult to see a woman whom he once loved with all his heart and soul so much that he could not even imagine a minute of his life without her - and understand that now you would absolutely do not care if you knew that you would never have her again. will not see. The real tragedy of love is mental indifference.
S. Maugham

"Hello. I rushed about for a long time, did not know with whom to share my problem, here I am writing to you. We meet for a year. During this year I have completely devoted myself to him. I tried to be with him all the time and lost all interest in friends, parties, etc. It so happened that I was left without a job (where I worked for 5 years) and for more than six months I have not been able to find a job. So I spent all my time with my beloved, went with him to his work (his work is my hobby, he worked, and at this time and in the same place I was engaged in my favorite hobby).
Then all the time at home together (he lives with his parents), so to speak, constantly within four walls together. And the other day he said that you are constantly with me, and that he wants to part for a while, think about his feelings and understand himself (he said that he might not love me), and think about whether he wants to continue the relationship with me ... Nevertheless, I would never say about him that he has no feelings for me, because he always behaves as if he loves me (calls me his beloved girl, etc.), so it was a shock for me to hear that.
Now, rethinking this whole year, I understand that I really was with him all the time wherever possible ... It is very difficult for me now because I love him very much. He's not ready to live together yet, but I just agree to meet ... I want to know your opinion about my problem, should I count on something ... ?? Perhaps this temporary separation will show the true feelings between us ... I do not want to lose a loved one simply because I "got sick" with him. Please tell me what it could be ...
Thanks in advance ... Angelika

Club: This is typical love in its final stages. The drama at the end of this love lies in the fact that the young man has already passed it, but Angelik has not yet. She suggests that the complication of relations occurred due to the fact that they spent too much time together, but from the works of Z. Rubin we know that affection is one of the key signs of love. In a couple experiencing love, partners never get tired of each other, and in falling in love this happens only in the first, active phase. And the fact that the young man calls Angelika "beloved girl" is a typical ethical behavior, for him rudeness is unacceptable to anyone. He can only either politely or part, for him rudeness, swearing is an unbearable, painful obstacle, more dear to him. And with the proposal "to part for a while," he probably delayed because it was difficult for him to say it.

Z. Rubin in the course of research found that women fall in love faster than men, they are more likely to initiate a breakup and experience it easier. 70% of applications for divorce are filed by women.

"Hello. Help the girl and me figure out what's the matter and how to solve the problem. We've known each other for a little over a year, she's 21, I'm 23 years old. At first we talked like friends, then over time I realized that Katya was the one I dreamed of, she also liked me very much. We met on the Internet in March and decided to meet in September. She was afraid of meeting, afraid that I would not like me, that I would be disappointed in her. When we met, I liked her even more, and she liked me too. We met and talked for 2 weeks, then I went home. working.
In October I came to meet her again, again for 2 weeks, told her about my feelings, she did not reciprocate at first, she just gave a chance and said that she never had feelings right away, but she really liked me as a friend and just as a person, and that she is good with me and easy to communicate. We agreed that I would come for the new year and meet together, that's how it was, had fun, met every day, and on January 12 she admitted that she also loves me, I was delighted, but immediately asked not to rush things. Katya was constantly worried about inner doubts, were these feelings, was it love? She said that these were not the same feelings as at the age of 15 for one boy who, according to her, was not even worthy of her, but she was still drawn to him. As a result, he betrayed Katya, for her it was a great stress. She didn't even want to live. And since that time, she has not met with anyone and has not started a relationship.
Now Katya and I communicate every day on the phone for hours, and on the Internet. I plan to move to the city where she lives in the near future to meet. I want to connect my life with her, create a family. The problem is that Katya still suffers from doubts, feels some kind of guilt. She says that she wants strong emotions and feelings for me, but they are not the same as when they were 15 for a boy, this worries her very much, thinks that she has a stone heart and cries because of this. I'm also worried about this, I'm afraid of losing her. And Katya says that she also appreciates and values me, and that no one else is needed, but in order to live together, it is important for her that there be great and strong love. I love Katya very much! Please advise how we should be? What is the problem? Why don't Katya have the same strong feelings for me as she had for a boy at 15?
Ernst "

Club: While this is love. But the likelihood that it will grow into love exists, the development of relationships is going in this direction. Since according to Z. Rubin there is active affection, care and intimacy - trust. True, they are not yet in their final form. Ernst you are moving in the right direction. In finding love, it is important not only the right direction, but also the speed of movement; it is as bad to hurry up as it is to get stuck somewhere halfway.

And the fact that the "first love" at the age of 15 is bright and memorable is normal, it should be like that. This is described in great detail by L.N. Tolstoy in the novel "War and Peace", Natasha Rostova's "first love" for Boris Drubetskoy and true love for Pierre Bezukhov. And how in their family all the signs of love are manifested according to Z. Rubin.

Natasha Rostova and Pierre Bezukhov. Examples of true love. E. Pushkarev

Therefore, when Katya feels all the delights of real, adult love, her memories of childhood feelings will go to the distant tenth plane.

Another statistical observation, the ratio of letters from men and women who come to the Club is about 8: 1. This does not mean that men are less worried about amorous problems, it means that men are less likely to seek help.

I am 23 years old, I met by chance a young man who, in my opinion, is ideal for me. We met so by chance that we decided that it was fate. His name is Vitya, he is 3 years older than me. Everything was going well, except that I didn't stop looking at other men.
After four months of dating, I accidentally met a man - Pavel, he is 13 years older than me. As it turned out, Pavel is married, his son is 14 years old. I agreed to simple communication, which later grew into deep feelings of love for each other. Now Paul says that for my sake he is making plans for how to change his life in order to be with me. But these changes will have to wait. And Vitya proposed to me and wants children.
In this regard, I have the following situation: with my health problems, doctors say that it is necessary to plan a pregnancy in the near shortest possible time, every year the chances are less and less. With Vitya it is possible. But I understand that I love Paul, and with Paul I do not look at other men at all. With my head I understand that I have to be with Vitya, and my soul - with Pavel.
How can I make the right choice?
Help. Tanya ".

Club: Let me remind you once again that in this article we do not give advice on how to make the right choice, but try only to objectively identify the feelings of the characters in the letters. Tanya faces a difficult choice, but we face a simple one because the signs of all amorous - erotic relationships have long been known. And the one who uses them is more likely to find the love of those who rely on what the heart tells (see the statistics at the beginning of the article).

Neither Tanya's attitude towards her men, nor their love for her, is. These are all the most diverse options for loving. Since, according to Z. Rubin, there is no intimacy - trust in both versions. To play the game on two fronts, as Tanya does, this is a thing for lovers of amorous and romantic adventures. And when the matter is serious health, children are more profitable to be sincere.

Once again: love is only mutual

Unrequited love is as different from mutual love as delusion is from truth.
J. Sand.

Love gains meaning only when it is mutual.
Leonardo Felice Buscaglia.

and when executing three components of Z. Rubin.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

Falling in love and love. V. Albisetti

"First love" is a classic first falling in love.

“I have met this girl only 10 times over the course of 1 month. Every time I felt pretty nice and good with her. We talked a lot, learned almost everything about each other. On the second date we kissed, for the first time in my life. I got attached to her, and she to me (stronger). When she is near I want to be with her. But I don't have strong feelings, every time I see her, I understand that I don’t like something about her ... I was really looking forward to the last date, it seemed to me that this is the person with whom I want to always be. And so we met again, but instead of experiencing the happiness of a two-day separation, I saw her somehow differently, it seemed to me that I did not quite like her. But gradually during this evening her smile, facial expressions began to attract me again. Then, at the end of the evening, I felt that I no longer wanted to be with her. But the memories of her again make me want to be together. It so happened that she is my first girlfriend. I don’t know if I love, and if I’m not able to love, I don’t want to hurt her, because her feelings for me are much stronger. What should I do next?
Viktor "

"First love" is an important step in puberty. E. Pushkarev

"First love" and its outcome. Dean Kelis, K. Phillips.

Ecology of the culture of love. The destructive influence of our culture.

"The principle underlying capitalist society and the principle of love are incompatible."
E. Fromm On the destructive influence of the "consumer society" on sexual love.

Consumer society and its antilove essence. E. Pushkarev

“Hello, I'm 24 years old. Recently I met a young man in a club and made him pay attention to me. After several days of acquaintance (not even communication, but just acquaintance), I invited him for the night. Moreover, such an act is not typical for me. I was just under the influence of an impulse and alcohol. We found out that we liked each other, we had great sex. We exchanged phone numbers. If I invite him somewhere, he agrees, but he himself does not show any initiative, although he does not refuse to communicate. How can a man be interested? He is no longer a boy, he is about 30 years old, has experience of family life, although he was not officially married? Thank you in advance.
Albina ".

Club: This is a vivid example of somewhere new, somewhere there are no, but actively advancing amorous tendencies, their slogans: "you need to love love" and "the best way to get to know each other in bed" (attributed to Leela Brick).

Love is loved by those who cannot love others.
N.-K. Barney

“Giddens clarifies the sociological meaning and describes the social significance of these changes using three terms: plastic sexuality - that is, sexuality, which becomes a consciously cultivated personality trait; "pure relationships" - relationships maintained only for the satisfaction they bring; and "love-fusion" (confluent love) - implying equality and mutual self-disclosure.

With the help of these three concepts, the author explains how the processes of total, all-embracing individualization and detraditionalization, which have been taking place since the last third of the twentieth century, fundamentally change the most intimate aspects of people's lives, eliminating any predestination, normativity and institutionality , turning any relationship into a constant search and incessant self-realization, primarily emotional. In general, the original intention of Giddens, in his own statement, was the interpretation of the fact that some thinkers have pinned great hopes on sexuality, considering it as a potential area of freedom - here Giddens implies neo-Marxist conception of sexuality, freedom, social change and revolution ". E. Vovk "Book review: E. Giddens. Transformation of Intimacy. Sexuality, love and eroticism in modern societies.

Intimacy transformation. Sexuality, love and eroticism in modern societies. A.Giddens

Two similar letters.

"Hello. The situation is this: my young man periodically has strong mood swings, he himself, apparently, does not realize this. His plans, his attitude to the future change dramatically (for example: in the afternoon we discuss the birth of children, and in the evening he says "Let's part," and he cannot explain the reasons, he says that he loves and suits everything), he does not want anything, he does not like everything, appetite periodically disappears, all that he usually likes - does not want anything. He will not go to the doctor, unfortunately ... But I have worn out all my nerves ... I don’t want to part with him because I love him. So I wanted to ask you if I can help him with something? AVA ".

"Hello!!! I am 23 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now, but we have been living together for only 7 months. The problem is that our relationship has stopped developing. I do not see any return from him. When it comes to my requests, it only ends in empty promises. He always finds time and energy for partying with his friends. Recently we have stopped doing anything together. We quarrel constantly. Every morning starts with scolding. I cannot leave him, because I love and do not want to lose him. I know that he loves me too, but I don't really want to endure all this either. Maybe I'm just winding it all up for myself? Advise me how to behave? Thank you very much in advance!!! Nellie".

Club: You can start with the statement that the feelings that Albina, AVA and Nellie have for their young people, like theirs for them, are not love, but youth enthusiasm, one of the varieties of falling in love - "confluent love" ... Love and "exhausted all the nerves", "morning begins with swearing" are incompatible manifestations. Lovers have a short age. Especially if you have mental health problems.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

We are dating a guy for 2.5 years. We often quarrel over trifles, we argue. Today I asked him to buy me a pizza, he refused me, said that he saved us money on vacation (I rarely ask for something myself). In general, word for word, and we had a big fight, he said that it was hard for him with me and said that he was parting with me, I agreed, he was parting, so he was parting.
Now he has been texting me all evening that he wants a relationship where everything will be 50x50, ie. says that I constantly command, only everything I want (but it is not, maybe only an appearance) and this explains why he resisted and did not buy me a pizza. Although I think it's greed.
And so I don’t know how to behave now, to part with him to the end (after all, he broke up himself, if I agree with him, I’m afraid that in the end he will see my weakness and sit on my neck) or all- still renew the relationship, accepting his conditions (50x50, make concessions to him, although I already think that I give in often, he just does not notice).
Tell me, please.
Marina ".

Club: The thing is that in love, everyone "sits on the partner's neck", and this suits both in the best way. About something similar Plato wrote about androgynes - halves in his treatise "The Feast".

In a quarrel, pizza was only an excuse, and its true reason is “it's hard for him with me”, there are some irritants that form this “heaviness”. And Marina already has a willingness to “part, so part”. If after 2.5 years of relations in such a setting, the question arises with such acuteness and neuroticism - this is definitely not love.
According to Z. Rubin, stable affection and care are absent.

Almost half a year ago I got married, we loved each other very much, so it seemed to me, but two months ago I began to notice that my husband grew cold towards me, practically does not appear at home, does not hug, does not kiss, as before. I tried to bring him to a frank conversation, from which he confessed to me that, probably, we were in a hurry to start a family, and this is in his 30 years.
I am in the seventh month of pregnancy, a long-awaited child, he always told me that he really wanted children, even asked why we couldn’t get pregnant, he was always very affectionate, he spoke to me tenderly.
I left him many times over the 5 years that we met before the wedding, and he cried, begged to come back, I know that he always walked away from me ... But just yesterday I realized that my husband was still a child, he was offended by me due to the fact that I did not give him my computer, and besides, having compared some facts, before the wedding, it turns out that he took out a car on credit, which takes almost all of his salary to pay off.
Maybe something else can be corrected in his behavior? How to make him grow up? I really want to save the family and return the former loving person ...
Vaselin ".

Club: "How do you make it grow up?" Make you grow up, improve, change your mind, get into the situation, etc. impossible. Only the person who wants it and makes enough volitional efforts can grow up, improve, change his mind . It is better to do this under the guidance of a professional, it will turn out faster and more painless.

Infantilism is a psychological problem that can be corrected, or you can always get stuck in it.

It is clear that with love in this story without options. Although the family can be saved because most of our families are just like that, without love.

Love is not for the infantile! E. Belyakova

When you get married, take the finished product, not the semi-finished product.
Corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M.E. Litvak

And lastly, about real, which means fruitful love.

“… Several years ago I divorced my wife - I met another woman. As a decent person, he left the apartment to his ex-wife and daughter. My second wife is still registered in a communal apartment with her alcoholic husband, so, in general, we had nowhere to go. The only thing I got after the divorce was a small country house. It was then that we settled. In order to get to work, you need to walk 40 minutes to the station, and then go by train for an hour and a half. To prepare food and wash, you need to get water from the well. In order not to freeze in winter, it is necessary to store firewood and heat the stove twice a day. At first, no one believed that we would survive. They said, they say, you will live a year in such conditions and you will lie at the feet of your ex, so that you will be allowed back home. And my wife and I have been together for 7 years and are happy in nature.
Recently, my ex-wife offered me to change our apartment, because daughter went to college in another city. And I refused because I like it here and my wife supported me. We are together with her to and from work, these are such pleasant walks, conversations, songs that I can’t live without them now. Because they are life. During these walks, I feel like a 17-year-old, stupid guy in both body and soul.
Valentine ".

Club: In this love story, Z. Rubin's sign of "affection" is most vividly manifested, no matter how many loving spouses are together, they do not get tired of each other. They willingly communicate about everything, and this is intimacy - trust. When loving people are together for a long time, this does not mean that all emotional and intellectual interest is constantly focused on the partner. At this time, you can think, reflect on work, about anything for a long time, but silence together does not cause alienation, awkwardness.

When you find a person with whom you can speak in silence, be forever, believe selflessly and rejoice in your heart, you understand that this is Love.
A.S. Pushkin

When, after 7 years of living together, “I feel like a 17-year-old, stupid guy” is the result of spiritual comfort, which arises as a result of the full manifestation of all the signs of Z. Rubin.

This article does not touch upon the topic of one of the important (and not important here) amorous - erotic states - lust, only because on our website this topic has already been covered in the most detailed way.

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Take the Helen Fisher test

Marriage crises. Married sex. (here are letters to the Club on this topic)

Sexuality, female and male orgasms.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is a page from the section: The Psychology of Love

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love (explains the ethologist). V. Dolnik

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Fucked up and hypersexual. R. Precht

Psychiatric confusion with love in school literature. E. Pushkarev

"Romantic love": aspects, analysis and consequences. E. Pushkarev

Literature has played a huge role in the love cult. Menshikov M.O.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love and hypnosis. S. Freud

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." more than 2000 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.

Эрих Фромм

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми