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What is love. E. Pushkarev

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Open question: what do you think love is?


Love is not at all what you think.
D. West

Charlie Chaplin with his big family E. Fromm, as the founder of "humanistic ethics", considered the love of a man and a woman from a high humanistic position:

"Erotic love makes a preference, but in another person it loves all of humanity, everything that is alive." "Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others ..."
This position is more suited to the concept of philanthropy, but I would like to consider what love is more substantive, as an individual feeling, precisely as a “preference” of one person over all others, as a “fruitful form of relationship” not to others, but to “another” as one and only. Supporters of "humanistic ethics" call individual love "egoism together." But "selfishness together" is not so bad, if at one time it greatly frightened Zeus. Therefore, let's take a closer look at individual love, as a phenomenon that does not depend on philanthropy.

To use the logic of Petr Chaadaev: “There is nothing easier than loving those you love; but you also need to love a little those you don't love". Religion, cultural ideologists, moralists, and humanists are concerned with the problem “you need to love a little and those you don’t love”. And we will focus on the question “nothing is easier than loving those you love”, this ease is the result of what? And we will consider the achievement of "lightness of love" not from the position of poetic freedom (according to Freud), but from the position of natural nature individual love, if only because a sufficient number of various scientific studies in this area have accumulated.

Love is a matter of sensation, not volition, and I can love not because I want, and even to a lesser extent - that I must love; therefore, the duty to love is nonsense ...
I. Kant

In both animals and man, sexual love is the highest flowering of individual life.
V.S. Soloviev

By the end of the twentieth century, almost all the answers to the question "what is love?" were received. And the main difficulty, why throughout the entire history of mankind, its riddles could not be solved, was that there are four different in nature affective systems (different periods of evolutionary origin, origins, flow, completion), but they have a lot, both formal and and subjectively experienced hard-to-see signs:

1. Love;

                Natural love. E. Pushkarev

                The essence of love. E. Pushkarev

                Is love an emotion, a feeling or what? E. Pushkarev

                Love test: “scale of love and sympathy” by Z. Rubin. E. Pushkarev

                How love is considered in socionics. E. Pushkarev

                True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

                Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.

                Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

2. Natural falling in love;

                Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

                I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

                I'm married but I fell in love ...

                Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

3. Poor quality falling in love;

                Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev.

                Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.

                Poor quality falling in love - eros. E. Pushkarev

A large collection of articles and books about love addiction, which our culture often calls "addictive love" "overselective love" , "Neurotic love", "too much love", "more than love", "compulsive love", "toxic love", etc. and people suffering from these disorders.

4. Lust (lat. Libido) - lust, sensual sexual attraction, "languor of the flesh", acolasia (gr.) - body pleasures, "we fight for fornication" (Old Russian), "fals amore", " genital potency ”, libido (according to Freud) the need for sexual satisfaction in discharge is a purely biological, cyclical process.

Loneliness will set our nets more than once for us,
And we, naive, deceived, again,
the languor of the flesh for love.
A.S. Pushkin

                All articles, books and videos about sex, orgasms (M and F) and their significance.

More about the difference love and lust (lust, sex).

And they almost always take place in very different combinations, rarely as independent ones. A. Maurois said about this: "Love is an ailment, the symptoms of which are manifested differently each time." Due to the fact that poets, writers and philosophers, who are characterized by excessive fantasy, subjectivism, craving for figurative beauty and weakness in logic, were engaged in the study of amorous - erotic drives, they were considered either as different versions of love, or as its different stages.

If you eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

functional magnetic resonance imaging The famous Russian writer of the first half of the 19th century F.V. Bulgarin was somewhat ahead of his time: “Our present love, as in other educated countries, appears in the world not with a bow and a quiver, not with a blindfold, but with a telescope or a lorgnette, with a calendar address, with scales and an arshin”

First love. F.V. Bulgarin.

active areas of the brain of loving people Only in the second half of the twentieth century, scientists began to use expensive devices: functional magnetic resonance imaging machines that scan the brain, complex bio and neurochemical studies that determine the synthesis of various psychoactive substances.

Tomography of love.

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Take the Helen Fisher test to select partner for the best hormonal compatibility.

From modern neurophysiological and biochemical studies of love relationships occurring in the body and brain structures of lovers, Helen Fisher concludes that we have three different brain structures that provide the ability to experience different types of love at the same time: sex drive , romantic love and a sense of deep, lasting affection. H. Fischer writes: “it is biologically possible to show a feeling of deep attachment to the main (primary) partner, while being romantically in love with the other and at the same time feeling sexual attraction to even more people ... this allows us to be socially monogamous and secretly cheating at the same time” (Fisher H., 1994).

And in this spiritual area, finally, everything was put into place. The greatest cognitive breakthrough in this direction was made by E. Fromm, so any more or less serious conversation about love should start with its definition:

“Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It implies care, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop. This is a manifestation of closeness between two human beings, provided that the integrity of each of them is preserved".
"Care and responsibility mean that love is an activity, not a passion that overwhelmed someone, and not an affect that "captures" someone.
“Love is an active action, not a passive acceptance, much less “falling somewhere”.
The most fundamental kind of love, which forms the basis of all types of love, is "brotherly love".

E. Fromm not only cited and explained a sufficient number of signs for understanding love, he also described a variety of attractions that should not be confused with love:
"there are many individual forms of love pathology", "barren or irrational love", "love-worship", "false love", "sentimental love", "neurotic love", "immature form of love" or "symbiotic union "," being in love is one of the forms of pseudo-love "," erotic love is the most deceptive form of love ...", "often by erotic love is meant an unproductive form of love ...". "Due to the fact that sexual desire in the understanding of most people is connected with the idea of love, they easily fall into the delusion that they love each other when they are physically attracted to each other".

“Erich Fromm about love. Terms and concepts"

The value of E. Fromm's works lies in the fact that they are time-tested and in line with his ideas others were made, clarifying the discoveries of various aspects of love and pseudo-love.

Love as mutual sexual satisfaction or love as "well-coordinated work" and a refuge from loneliness are two "normal" forms of pseudo-love in modern Western society, social models of the pathology of love.
E. Fromm

Today, knowing the clues to love, you can accurately distinguish love from three other similar drives, which are described in detail in the articles indicated in the links. And this article describes love from different angles with details.

What is love in real life:

Dr. Robert Sternberg, a psychology professor at the University of Kansas, argues that men and women misinterpret the spark that flares up between them. Under his leadership, a study was conducted of 1459 representatives of the stronger and weaker sex at the age from 18 to 45 years. Participants talked about how they got to know partners, how long the relationship lasted, and how it ended, or even lasted.
In 92% of cases, newly-met couples were firmly convinced that this was love at first sight.
In 13% of episodes, the attraction to each other received a serious continuation after a year of acquaintance. The rest of the couples parted after a maximum of a month - two intimate meetings. Sternberg is convinced that certain characteristics of the physical factors that push people into embrace are mainly lust.

Not only the first glance, but the entire first meeting made an unpleasant impression on Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky and Anya Snitkina, if it had not been for the agreement and the undertaken obligations, they would have parted with pleasure, so that they would never meet again. But surprisingly quickly, Anya's work as a stenographer for Fyodor Mikhailovich was getting better. Mutual understanding began to emerge, work became a joy for Anya, and an additional source of inspiration for Fyodor Mikhailovich. At first, mutual sympathy arose, as the work progressed, attraction and tenderness arose.

Fyodor Mikhailovich's relatives and Anna's relatives were against their wedding. But they were already old enough to make their own decisions.

A life full of boundless happiness began, Anna Grigorievna later wrote. Dostoevsky wrote that he could not bear even a short separation from his wife. He could endure every parting only if he wrote letters to his beloved. His letters to his wife are full of love, respect and tenderness.

Anna Grigorievna wrote: "... these letters were and are my greatest pride ... I have read and re-read them hundreds of times." She herself was completely immersed in love for Fyodor Mikhailovich. L.N. She said to Tolstoy: “My husband represented the ideal of a man! All the highest moral and spiritual qualities that adorn a person were manifested in him to the highest degree. He was kind, generous, merciful, fair, disinterested, compassionate - like no one else! " They had three children. Their cloudless relationship lasted fourteen years, until Dostoevsky's death.

This state is designated as perfect harmony and is estimated as great happiness ("one heart and one soul") and, of course, by right ... for this is a true experience of the deity, which, having mastered a person, extinguishes and absorbs everything that is individual in him ... man and woman become instruments of a continuing life.
K.G. Jung

A complete copy of this plot: an unpleasant impression after the first meeting, and then true love occurred in the life of Valeria Dmitrievna and Mikhail Mikhailovich Prishvin. Valeria Dmitrievna came to Mikhail Mikhailovich to get a job as a personal secretary, keeper of the archive. After the first visit, the mother asks her:

“- Well, how is it going with you there?
- We did not like each other very much, - I answered".

"I will bring my love to the end and find at the end of it the beginning of endless love of people passing into each other. Let our descendants know what springs were hidden in this era under the rocks of evil and violence."
M. M. Prishvin and V. D. Prishvin. "We are with you. Love Diary". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Lyubov Fedor Mikhailovich and Anna Snitkina, Mikhail Mikhailovich and Valeria Dmitrievna are clear confirmation that:

Love begins not at first sight, but with sympathy.

Sympathy (Greek, internal disposition), as a rule, arises on the basis of common views, interests and values, as well as due to selective positive reactions to the appearance, behavior and character traits of another person. Sympathy manifests itself as an instinctive inclination, a feeling of inner kinship between them. It is expressed in an increased interest in a person, benevolence, attention and help.

Stable sympathy appears when several factors add up to one combination, which a person subconsciously regards as suitable for him. The factors influencing the onset and development of sympathy are numerous. First of all, it is a person's appearance. This is what they pay attention to at the very beginning. However, this factor is not decisive. It happens that in the process of communication, the first enthusiastic impression deteriorates and interest disappears. There are other situations when a person reveals himself in a conversation and charms with his charisma, despite external flaws.

Social psychologist Grace Cornish argues that couples who began their relationship with sympathy are more flexible in the event of conflict and are more attentive to each other's feelings: “As friends, you feel sympathy for each other. You learn to respect each other. You will learn a lot about each other. Friendship is the foundation that can strengthen the entire structure of a couple".

Sympathy is a small friendship, and love is more than friendship, they are from the same spiritual material.

                Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.

Only with knowledge can sympathy be distinguished from falling in love. Falling in love is a brighter, stormy feeling than sympathy, it captures the head, soul, and body. An appropriate analogy is that falling in love is different from liking, just as apple wine is different from apple juice.

Falling in love is eros - an alloy of heightened sexuality and spiritualized soulfulness, but the head of it is heightened sexuality, as soon as it passes, soulfulness leaves with it. And now the union of men and women is only a structure that seemed to be infinitely strong and eternal crumbles.

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

And in sympathy, there is no sexuality at all, because this is a fundamentally different psychological material.

The average duration of falling in love is six months, the maximum according to H. Fisher is 30 months. And sympathy and love are forever.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

An important feature of sympathy is emphasized by A.S. Makarenko:
... love cannot be grown from the depths of a simple zoological sex drive. The powers of "loving" love can only be found in the experience of incomplete human sympathy. A young man will never love his bride and wife if he did not love his parents, comrades, friends. And the wider the area of this non-sexual love, the more noble will the sexual love.

Another love story.

Garik Sukachev: "I have a feeling that I was born married. I have been married for over 30 years, and so successfully that the problems of mistresses, fans simply do not exist for me. When I met Olga, she was 14 years old. 16. For 8 years we were friends until relatives told me: "Oh, isn't it time for you to get married," we got married. We have a son, a good guy, a daughter is growing. For me, a wife is like the sun, air, water , bread is a natural and necessary phenomenon. Have you ever thought whether the sun will rise tomorrow or not? I never think about love, it's just like a well-fed person never thinks about food. I have a favorite song about Olga when I I sing, I always have a tear".

More details: Garik and Olga Sukachev

More examples of true love.

A. Maslow in his work "Love and self-actualization" says that to describe love you need to choose such words , so that "it would be possible to lucidly state the essence of a love experience to a person who has not experienced it himself." In the description of love below, I tried to achieve exactly this goal.

Definition of love according to E. Pushkarev:
Love is a stable, harmonizing, psychostimulating, meaning-forming state (relationship and feelings) of exclusive acceptance, which has gone through the stages of inception and development, based on unchanged psychological functions throughout life (for example, K. Jung's basis), and their better compatibility among partners , and therefore becomes stronger and more wholesome over the years.

After all, the Apostle Paul said: "Love never ceases, although prophecies will cease, and tongues will cease, and knowledge will be abolished." (1 Cor. 13: 8)
This statement can be used not only as biblical wisdom, but as a test sign: the feeling that has passed, it was not love, but being in love. Instead of an excruciating feeling that lasts: supports, strengthens, warms to the end of the century, this is love as the highest form of value relationships.

This is the 11th century philosopher Ibn Hazm expressed as follows:
"... the gravitation of similar souls, causeless and therefore eternal love"

- Together it is interesting, comfortable, free, readiness for joy, optimism, calmly (or soothingly) prevails , there is no readiness to defend, to make excuses.

... healthy love, or the love of a healthy, self-actualized person, can be defined as a state of defenselessness, or, in other words, as a state of utmost spontaneity and absolute sincerity.
A. Maslow

- The natural distribution of psychological responsibilities (one is joking, another is funny, one makes logical arrangements, plans, the other is satisfied with it in the best way, etc.), the specific contribution of each to the optimal course, rhythm and richness of life.

- The partner understands from this obvious predictability, confidence in stable stable emotional well-being in the future, his desirability.

- You feel both in yourself and in your partner you feel gratitude, need, usefulness.

- There is a feeling of complementing each other, you feel the second half in your partner - your own completeness, self-sufficiency, personal problems and complexes are deactualized, you remain natural, there is no need to change something in yourself, restrain or, on the contrary, strengthen, be not sincere , play along, adapt. This leads to emancipation, the most complete disclosure of abilities.

- In a couple, you begin to feel your exclusivity and irreplaceability, this increases self-esteem, self-confidence, your own usefulness, significance.

- You quickly get used to all the signs of love described above, they become everyday, subtle and are not perceived as phenomena, but as a matter of course. It is like health, when it is there, you do not notice it, but you notice when it is shaken or lost.

Poet Boris Slutsker before the tragedy in his life did not write poetry about love at all. But when his wife Tatyana died, he wrote more than 400 love poems. During Tatyana's life, his love did not bother him because he had it, and he felt the full magnitude, the significance of love only when he lost this love.

When the other goes to the grave, then one of us will understand merciless love strength - in that terrible hour, the last hour!
D. Merezhkovsky

If we try to fit all of the listed signs into one sentence, it will work out - after sufficient communication, we acquired new positive qualities, as a result of which, everyone liked how he changed, and what place he began to occupy in this world. G.G. Marquez accurately noted: "I love you not for who you are, but for how I become when next to you." This happens because in the interaction of a man and a woman with the best psychotypic compatibility, a degeneration occurs: a semantic mood is formed, they become consubstantial, which leads to a qualitative strengthening of their individualities.

Details of this rebirth: "From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony." E. Pushkarev

D. Philos. V.M. Rozin said about this: "I am sure that the whole in love is not sexual attraction, bodily pleasure, communication or family, but a person (the subject of love is a person), therefore, everything listed in love is transformed and established in a new way."
“To the distinction between love and sexuality (from romantic love to“ creative ”)”. V.M. Rosin

Also wrote about this. V.S. Solovyov, that sexual love in humans does not serve the purposes of reproduction and the solution of historical problems. The meaning of sexual love is individuality itself.

Meanwhile, there is no doubt that love is essentially a non-social and extra-social phenomenon and has nothing to do with society and family, it is a completely personal phenomenon, associated exclusively with the personality.
N.A. Berdyaev, "On the appointment of a person"

Sexual individual love is a multi-component basic state, which includes the following feelings:
- by V.I. Musteinu: altruism, intimacy, admiration, respect, participation, trust, consent, pride;
- according to T. Reik: one of the main characteristics of love is safety;

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because there is anguish in fear. The one who fears is imperfect in love". 1 John 4:18

- according to R. May: emphasizes friendship and strength;
- by E. Fromm: care, responsibility, respect, knowledge; the most fundamental kind of love that forms the basis of all types of love is brotherly love;
- according to Z. Rubin: affection, intimacy - trust, care;
- by K. Isard: warmth and attachment
- according to L. Gozman: altruism, admiration, spatial proximity, frequency of meetings, cooperation;
- according to E. Pushkarev: harmonization, psychostimulation.

... love greatly increases the completeness of the perception of values.
V. Frankl

V. Frankl about love. M. Litvak

But love as the highest realization of the human spirit or love for fried potatoes or any other naturally includes other components. Sexual love is neither worse nor better, it is neither lower nor higher than other loves, because these are different phenomena, by a large and tragic misunderstanding, denoted by one word.

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

It's like the rain cannot be worse or better than the river, and the river is worse or better than the sea, although the essence of one and the other, and the third, is the same - the movement of water in natural nature.

Continuing the ideas of E. Fromm. Morgan Scott Peck: “I have already said that love is an action, an activity. Here we come to another serious misunderstanding about love that should be carefully considered. Love is not a feeling". Still, it is necessary to clarify: firstly, love is an action, an activity in life and, secondly, it is a beneficial, stimulating feeling that accompanies them.

Loving a woman, a man loves in her, in fact, his pleasures; but, objectifying them, he considers all the reasons for his pleasure to be in this woman and, thus, in his consciousness, next to the idea of himself, stands the image of a woman shining with all sorts of beauties. He must love her more than himself, because in my ideal I will never add from my own passionate feelings those that are unpleasant for me. Only the best side of my pleasure is invested in the woman I love.
... I am finishing the history of the development of passions. From the examples analyzed, the reader could easily be convinced that this kind of phenomena, in essence, are reflexes of the brain, only complicated by an admixture of passionate elements ...
I.M. Sechenov "Reflexes of the brain"

It is the best psychotypic compatibility that is the main driver that launches and maintains a stable, for the rest of life, the work of the "reward system" from the love factory, a complex neurochemical program, the main soloist, which is oxytocin. For the rest of your life, this is because the psychotypical characteristics of a person are unchanged throughout life.

oxytocin "Love hormone", the hormone of monogamy, hugs, trust, empathy, oxytocin has many names. It is very ancient, found in all living things on the planet and is responsible for a sense of contentment, peace of mind, quiet joy, generosity and kindness.

Oxytocin includes mutual understanding, altruism and the desire to resolve the issue without conflict. Oxytocin is a communication hormone. And the level of empathy for another is just in direct proportion to the level of oxytocin in the body - the more there is, the deeper the compassion and willingness to help and share.

Oxytocin enhances the feeling of "we are family", trust, reduces fears and anxieties with people close to us. We emphasize: not with a physically close partner, colleague, neighbor, etc., but with a mentally close person, because it is not oxytocin that causes love, but a multicomponent program with a complex set of determining factors, and oxytocin is just a tool, albeit a very important one. ...

In psychotherapy, oxytocin has been used in the form of an aerosol injected into the nose for several years. This allows in difficult, conflicting marital situations, at least temporarily, to gain trust, sympathy for making difficult decisions.

Vasopressin also plays an important role in the management of the secure attachment program; it is closely related hormones produced, for the most part, in the hypothalamus and gonads, or gonads.

It can be emphasized once again that in animals, as in humans, essentially the same systems of regulation of these most complex forms of behavior work. In the central nervous system, there are very ancient neural circuits, neural networks that specialize specifically in the control of sexual and social behavior.

But in love, another neurochemical team is already working, other neural circuits, although some hormones are present both there and there.

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

… The oxytocin structure provided the astonishing evolutionary success of the Paleolithic humans, who not only escaped extinction, but also became the dominant species on Earth. Intra-group trust is driven by oxytocin and its associated neural circuits. The hormone creates "social lubrication" not only for individual interaction, but also for society as a whole.
Larry Young, Brian Alexander "The Chemistry of Love A Scientific Look at Love, Sex and Attraction" The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

The chemistry of love. Components of attraction, infatuation, affection, and separation. D. Amen

Love is an evolutionary advantage that provides an opportunity to grow up, raise healthy, harmonious offspring that saves an ethnos, a species from self-destruction.

Love is not an all-consuming feeling. Interest in everything remains.

Ray Short Professor of Sociology at the University of Wisconsin at Platteville:
“Love exists when your strong tender feelings for another person are balanced by reason and deep respect. Judgments about a person are completely objective and rational".

The Greeks said that "emotions should warm the mind, but the mind should control emotions."

If this is true love, then reason rules the ball of emotions.

Love is the homeland of the soul ...
N.V. Gogol

Love is associated with a sense of self-confidence, trust, and security.

Love survives separation.

M. Rastropovich and G. Vishnevskaya This can be confirmed by the happy marriage of the brilliant cellist Mstislav Leopoldovich Rostropovich and the outstanding singer and opera diva Galina Pavlovna Vishnevskaya. On March 27, 2007 M.L. Rostropovich turned 80 years old. 52 of them were married.
G. P. Vishnevskaya: “He turned my head in 4 days and since 1955 we have been together. For many years we did not give up each of our creative lives. We often met in the hallway when I was leaving on tour, and he was returning from his. We had overlapping meetings at the airports as well. We sometimes lived apart for six months. We both have always had a rich creative life, and this did not stop us from raising good children. We are both happy in our marriage ...
Sometimes I called Slava Buratino. Because he was very thin and had a pointed nose. And Rostropovich always called me Zhabochka. Because of this, I even started to collect a collection of all kinds of frogs. A lot has already been accumulated - about three hundred.
In our house there were always only women: me, my daughters, the housekeeper, Slava's sister and mother. Indian kingdom! And he is the only one with us - the main one. And we do not need another. I wasn't even interested in talking to other men".

My eyes are not in love with you
They see your vices clearly.
And the heart is not a single fault of yours
Doesn't see and doesn't agree with the eyes.
V. Shakespeare

Love passes through quarrels without loss, is enriched by experience.

Love at first sight does not exist.

True love, according to Ibn Hazm, the philosopher of the 11th century, is born slowly, for a long time, because it takes a lot of time for the deeply hidden properties of souls to unite, so that they penetrate each other through the many veils of life.

"... gravitation of similar souls, causeless and therefore eternal love"
Ibn Hazm

The greatest philosopher and theologian of the 13th century, Thomas Aquinas, analyzes in detail the theme of love in his fundamental work "The Sum of Theology". Where he describes that love is not just a sensual aspiration, but also an intellectual aspiration. She is, of course, passion, but passion that does not arise unexpectedly, but thanks to preliminary reflections on the object of love. Love takes time to get to know each other, it presupposes knowledge of a loved one. She is not blind because "love is the term of knowledge." It is impossible to love someone or something unknown, unrecognized, since “the unknown cannot be loved”.

One of the famous works explaining the functional development of love is Stendhal's work "On Love". The basis of this concept is the process of "crystallization". Stendhal describes the process of "inception" of love in the following stages: 1) admiration; 2) a person thinks: "What a pleasure to kiss her, to receive kisses from her!" etc.; 3) hope; 4) love was born; 5) the first crystallization begins. 6) second crystallization.

The same in philosophical language looks like this: love is a phenomenon of human existence and the most important human existential, which has the unity of the bodily-mental and soul-spiritual principles and includes the tendency to go beyond oneself as a bodily unity, an act of the will to expand the boundaries of one's own I with the aim of completeness of life affirmation, overcoming loneliness, intrapersonal and external conflicts and alienation. In order for all of the above processes to take place in full, time is needed: days, weeks, months.

In confirmation, Dr. Karl Mennenger, an eminent Christian psychiatrist, expressed this thought in the following words: “Love does not flash in us, it grows in us. Love matures as a couple learns the principles of love in everyday life.

The origin of love, its first steps were described in his "Circular Theory of Love" A. Reis. These are four sequential, interrelated processes.

1. Establishing a relationship. This refers to the ease of communication between two people, how they feel in each other's company.

2. Self-disclosure. A feeling of interconnection with another person, an attraction arises, feelings are born: relaxation, trust, it is easier to reveal oneself to another.

3. Formation of mutual dependence. Gradually, a man and a woman develop and develop a system of interrelated habits, a feeling of need for each other appears.

4. Realization of the basic needs of the individual, which, according to A. Reis, are the needs for love, trust, someone's stimulation of her ambitions, etc.

The development of a feeling of love goes in the direction from the first process to the fourth, the omission of one of them negatively affects the development or stability of love relationships. This once again confirms that there can be no love at first sight, it takes months.

“… we can talk about such a dangerous phenomenon as love at first sight. It more clearly reflects the essence of the problem. Each person has a standard of an ideal partner. It is taken from fashion, the images of parents, the first love experience, the influence of the social environment. That is, love at first sight is an emotion that arises as a result of a strong coincidence of some characteristics of a real object and an existing standard".
B.Yu. Shapiro Ph.D. full member of the Academy of Pedagogical and Social Sciences.

"Love is seen here as more than just emotional state is the highest form of intimacy between people, a spiritual act, aimed at the essence of another person. Based on this understanding, one can conclude that love is a deep experience that arises in the process of long-term interaction of partners, their study and subsequent acceptance by the personality of another person in all its diversity. Of such kind feeling can only arise over time in the relationship and not has nothing to do with the euphoric feeling of falling in love at the initial stages of a relationship under the influence of hormonal and neurophysiological processes in the body, described many times in the framework of various biological research ".
V. Frankl

V. Frankl about love. M.E. Litvak

“Love at first sight in many cases turns out to be a myth, which is designed to justify too quick from the point of view of decency readiness to have sexual intercourse.

Only those relationships can be called true love, in which there is no threat to partners, which arise on the basis of mutual acceptance and mutual approval ...
K.R. Rogers

So true love rises above falling in love

To be more precise: "True love cannot be born until love dies."
Gary Chapman "Five languages of love"

Because the "hormonal cocktail": dopamine, phenylethylamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, which causes intoxication in love is much more powerful, more euphoric than oxytocin and vasopressin, which cause and accompany love.

and we should not only expect love and attention from others, but ourselves treat others with love and attention ”(Murstein, 1980)

And if you give an example that you know a case of happy love at first sight, then this case will refer to an exception to the rule, which is confirmed by family statistics.

When Marilyn Monroe met the famous writer Arthur Miller, he was married. She fell in love with him at first sight, and six years later, out of great mutual love, they got married. Four years later, the marriage ended in a difficult, dramatic divorce.

This is another paradox of love, at first glance, a person develops a significant attraction to someone with whom he can form love, because it is the result of another event - the best psychotypical compatibility.

True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

About dual relationships, team. All articles.

Love between a man and a woman can only be mutual, and this reciprocity has certain signs and characteristics.

If feeling without reciprocity is not love. This is evidenced by the work of psychologist Zeke Rubin (1973) from the University of Michigan. As a result of research on happy and unhappy couples in love, Z. Rubin was able to identify three main components of sexual individual love: attachment, care and intimacy (trust). They can also be designated as the minimum-sufficient number of concretizers of love. Affection is defined as the desire for the physical presence of a loved one and the willingness to receive - to show emotional support. Caring is anxiety and actions to ensure the well-being of another. Intimacy, close, trusting relationship with a person, when each in a pair not only without fear shares his experiences, thoughts, ideas with the other, but also with confidence to be understood and supported. Based on three significant components, Zeke Rubin developed a "love scale".

True love cannot be without reciprocity.
M.M. Prishvin

Of course, this process (love) can only be mutual (it creates you, and you create it). And in this process of mutual "re-creation" only the advantage of the first step belongs to the man .
V.S. Soloviev

Reciprocity is probably the best thing that can happen to a person.
A.P. Chekhov

POF poll. February 2013. Do you think love can be considered real if it is not mutual?
51% - not allowed
35% - you can
14% - found it difficult

It can be considered a logical continuation of Z. Rubin's “scale of love” A. Antonov's “ruler” for measuring love. Sociologist, professor Anatoly Antonov, head of the Department of Family Sociology at Moscow State University, began to develop his “ruler” for measuring love back in the 60s, taking the method of semantic differential as a basis. As a result of surveys of thousands of family people, he came to the conclusion: when both spouses put the other's assessment above self-esteem, this is the ideal version of love. Those. when the three components of Z. Rubin are fully functioning, this leads to a corresponding gradation of the spouse's assessment and self-assessment opened by A. Antonov.

The same sign of love E. Fromm not only singled out, but: "The most essential thing in love is the willingness to put the Other higher than himself, but not primitively, lowering his self-esteem, but globally, at the spiritual level, at the level of essence." ... The result was a connection: the theoretical discovery of one scientist was confirmed by the practical research of others.

There is an erroneous opinion “Love is the work of preserving feelings, maintaining them and possibly improving them throughout life. If no firewood is thrown into the stove, it is not stirred up, the fire will go out". Falling in love must be supported and consciously protected so that it lasts longer, and love is a self-sufficient, psychostimulating feeling that itself makes a person stronger and more resilient. And work is what precedes love: the acquisition of the necessary knowledge about the nature of this feeling and the objective choice of a partner to whom this feeling will arise.

The shortest test to determine your love was suggested by psychologist Sergei Eliseev:
"Honestly answer just one question: is your man getting stronger or weaker with you?"
S. Eliseev “How to find and maintain family happiness. Gender consultations of a practicing psychologist ”. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

To characterize love A. Maslow, in his work "Love and Self-Actualization", introduces such a category as "ability", and he separately distinguishes "the ability to love" and "the ability to be loved."

“Self-actualized people know what it means to love and know what it means to be loved, they have the experience of love, and that is why we can talk about their ability to love and be loved. Most of the data I have received, although not all, indicate that (all other things being equal), psychological health requires satisfaction of the need for love, and its deprivation is contraindicated.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

I do not deny the positive meaning of frustration, I admit that asceticism can also become a road to psychological health, but in our society, in our culture, the most difficult path to health, apparently, runs through the satisfaction of basic needs and in particular through satisfaction of the need for love ”.

A self-actualized person has these abilities, and a non-self-actualized person does not have either one or both of them. This means that for a certain number of people with average and below levels of psychological health the door to access to love is simply closed.

I can't love, I just can't, I can't. The flip side of this problem: "I miss my husband's love" or "I don't feel my husband's love."

The study of the category "ability to love" was carried out by the American psychologist Harry Harlow, he conducted his experiments on monkeys (macaques - rhesus). G. Harlow proved that an individual becomes capable of heterosexual love only after he has consistently passed the "school" of all previous loves:

- maternal love;

- children's love for the mother;

- love of peers, children and adolescents for each other;

- fatherly love for children.

Based on the works of G. Harlow and on the conclusions of biologists - evolutionists, one can come to the conclusion that the feeling of love contributes to the reproduction of the most healthy, full-fledged offspring. Thousands of years ago, during a period of harsh survival conditions, children who grew up in a family where parents loved each other were more resilient, because the man gave special attention to his sexual partner during her pregnancy and after childbirth, providing protection, food and participation in the upbringing of offspring. Therefore, the feeling of love was formed and fixed as a specific feature.

Professor, Doctor of History Yu.I. Semenov notes in his works that even during the period of promiscuity, even before group marriage, there could well have been more or less permanent couples, or what received the name - pairing. This occurred exclusively on personal affections and, therefore, it can be assumed that this was the first stable inter-sex relationship that arose on the basis of individual love.

History of the culture of love feelings. E. Pushkarev

In the definition of love, E. Fromm, following the example of Thomas Aquinas, included:

- "Knowledge" -

"... it is impossible to respect a person without knowing him: care and responsibility would be blind if they were not guided by knowledge." Knowledge is a necessary aspect of love, allowing you to penetrate into the essence, "secret" of a loved one and realize all other aspects of love. In addition, a person does not have an innate gift, to distinguish love from many pseudo-loving feelings in his experiences and this can be done only through knowledge that is better to master before the onset of sexual desires.

- "fruitful relationship" not only to another, but also to oneself. But the neurotic is not capable of a fruitful relationship to himself, he is not capable of a fruitful relationship to another, and therefore to love.

E. Fromm: "There are many individual forms of love pathology that lead to conscious suffering, and both psychiatrists and an increasing number of non-professionals consider them neurotic."

"Love" neurotic. M. Litvak

Neurotic love. O. Kurakin

A number of psychological elements forming love are revealed by socionics:

"How love is considered in socionics". E. Pushkarev.

Another important discovery of socionics is that it teaches how to find love through conscious determination and choice.

From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony. E. Pushkarev.

Synonyms of love : harmony, good, mutual support, mutual assistance, care, consent, sorrow (Old Russian) , longevity, usefulness, strengthening, comfort, confidence, perspective, healthy offspring.

After a few weeks or months (the rate of development of love feelings for different people is different) love turns into the so-called "secondary fusion" - a copy of the state of "primary fusion" that is characteristic of the mother in relation to the child from about six months to two years. During this period, the mother perfectly feels and understands the baby's needs (for food, sleep, affection) and ideally satisfies them. Her “unconscious” adjusts to the child, she “reads” his facial expressions, distinguishes the shades of his voice, crying, etc. During this period, children experience the maximum sense of security and comfort, grow and develop better, cry and get sick much less. Psychoanalysts call this time in a child's life the state of "primary omnipotence." In the experiences of lovers, there is also this feeling of mutual omnipotence: they know that a partner will always come to their aid, that they can rely on him (or her).
Psychotherapist, sexologist Ph.D. Professor A. Poleev

Love is the habitat of the highest spiritual comfort. Under the influence of complicating circumstances, over the years, love becomes stronger and more meaningful. Only in love can a person become the best himself. The outstanding Russian philosopher V.S. Soloviev explained this by the fact that love is associated with "the realization of the fullness of the personality": "... through love, the androgynous integrity of the personality is restored, a person ceases to be a fragmented, flawed being." And all this leads to "life replenishment".

Dictionary of the Spanish Royal Academy specifically indicates the most important sign and source of love "... an intense feeling of a human being, which, starting from its own insufficiency, feels the need and seeks to meet and unite with another being."

K. Marx's daughter Eleanor wrote about her parents: “It would not be an exaggeration if I say that without Jenny von Westphalen, Karl Marx could never have become what he was.”

The Spanish poet Juan Ramon Jimenez, having received the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1956 "for lyric poetry, an example of high spirit and artistic purity in Spanish poetry, "wrote that the award rightfully belongs to his wife Zenobia". If it had not been for her help, nor for her inspiring participation, I would not have been able to work for forty years. Now, without her, I am alone and helpless." Zenobia Camprubi died in 1956 from cancer, Jimenez was never able to recover from her death, and two years later he died in the same clinic.

Love is a connection of a loved one with his basic and sincere ideas - the realization through him (loved one - beloved) of his meaning of life.
A.P. Platonov

Loving is a form of productive activity. It presupposes the manifestation of interest and care, knowledge, emotional response, expression of feelings, pleasure and can be directed to a person, tree, picture, idea. It excites and enhances the feeling of fullness of life. It is a process of self-renewal and self-enrichment.
E. Fromm

Therefore, when philosophers and other intellectuals are engaged in considering, explaining the binary oppositions "love / suffering", "love / hate", "love / evil", "love / fear", "love / death", these are just their delusions, conjectures inherent in our entire culture, which have nothing to do with true feelings

Androgynous "integrity of personality" is the idea of the first theory of love in the history of mankind created by Plato twenty four centuries ago, the result of which was: love is "the thirst for integrity and the desire for it."

Many researchers consider it to be Plato's merit to transfer the reasoning about love from the mythological to the philosophical level. According to the ancient sage, eros is a universal principle that manifests itself in any striving for good and happiness. Such gravitation is caused by the desire to make up for the lack of good or happiness; it is assumed that a person is aware of his own inferiority and believes in the existence of an object endowed with the missing qualities.
Waltraud Ireland "The myth of the birth of love"

Another clue to understanding the myth of androgynes lies in the term sex itself, its duality: the sex of organisms and sex as part of one whole, divided in half. For greater clarity, let us turn to the interpretation of this word in Russian. IN AND. Dahl, considers gender as one of the generic halves, as an integral part of something whole. And the connecting "glue" is love. There is a man, there is a woman, and if there is love, there is a harmonious whole. There is no love, there are separate halves with their own flaws.

A synonym for Plato's androgyny is the concept of "unanimity" (one soul) of those who love what is formed by agreement of opinions, thoughts, assessments, value systems, and moral similarity.

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

According to V.S. It is not enough for Solov'ev to accept love as a gift from God; love has its true purpose, which consists not in a simple experience, enjoying this feeling, but in “the deed of love,” in what it can accomplish. That is, it is not only a feeling, it is a process, and a goal, and a space for self-awareness, self-expression and personality manifestation.

Love is more than rational consciousness, but without it, it could not act as an inner saving force that elevates, rather than abolishes, individuality.
V.S. Soloviev

In Love, a single true personality is reborn, by free merging of its parts, restoring once and somehow dissolving by it.
Philosopher L.P. Karsavin (first half of the 20th century)

At the beginning of a love relationship, the center of a person's attention is “I”, and in a partner he seeks confirmation of his identity and personal value, then the partner “You” becomes the subject of orientation and research, who receives confirmation of his significance in a significant personal relation personality, and, finally, "We" is formed while maintaining the autonomy of each individual.

Love is not just emotions that people feel in relation to other people, but a complex that ties together the emotions of two or more people; it is a special form of emotional reciprocity.
A. Baer

Thus, love is not a simple emotion or feeling it is a multicomponent psychophysiological essence - an integrated, meaning-forming state that has become an integral reality subject to volitional regulation of ethical, aesthetic, religious feelings, which has an interested character and is based on pleasure, comfort, joy and other positive emotions. Love evokes altruistic and at the same time selfish motivation to be near the object of love, to look at it, to possess it or to protect it, to have the right to claims, to be ready to restrict one's rights and freedoms.
Therefore, love is also the result of cognitive work on self-interpretation of one's own feelings and experiences, acceptance of cultural and social norms, after which styles of coping behavior, restrictions: what is possible and what is undesirable are mastered. As a result of this cognitive work, love turns out to be a mechanism of psychological, personal self-improvement.

When you find a person with whom you can speak in silence, be forever, believe selflessly and rejoice in your heart, you understand that this is Love.
A.S. Pushkin

Coping behavior in love is characterized by sufficient creative coping resource for solving both interpersonal and community problems. We can be dominated by any emotion (including negative), we can be unhappy with our partner, but we understand that we love this person and, despite irritation and even anger, there is always a certainty that very soon harmony and comfort will come and we are moving precisely in this direction.
This state cannot arise instantly, from one glance, word, touch. It takes time to comprehend, realize, get used to new qualitative changes.

Each of us has too many screws, wheels and valves for us to judge each other by the first impression or by two or three external signs.
A.P. Chekhov

Love is an amazing feeling, but it is not only a feeling, it is a state of the whole being. Love begins at the moment when I see a person in front of me and see his depths, when I suddenly see his essence. Of course, when I say “see,” I don’t want to say “I comprehend with my mind” or “see with my eyes,” but I comprehend with my whole being.
At first glance we see the exterior and “I see its depths, when I suddenly see its essence” is knowledge at the level of insight. I do not have enough intelligence to understand every fact, but I feel protected ...
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh

Neurobiological research confirms that love is more than a "basic emotion." It is associated with certain "higher" cognitive functions because includes the activity of the sections of the cortex responsible for social cognition (working with information about other people) and perception (image) of oneself.

... love for someone is not just a strong feeling, it is determination, it is a reasonable choice, it is responsibility, it is an act.
E. Fromm

Above were the natural science signs of love, right now you can compare them with the poetic connotations "Cultural love" - “Saying about love. Whom to believe?

Mini amorous - historical excursion "Cultural love" .

History of the culture of love feelings. E. Pushkarev

"Love to create a great desire": love and sexuality. Ancient Russia XI-XIII centuries V. Dolgov

Engels in his work "Ludwig Feuerbach and the End of Classical German Philosophy" notes that "... sexual love during the last 8 centuries has become an obligatory axis around which all poetry revolves." As a result of this "poetic freedom", by the end of the 19th century, a cult of love was already created -

Literature has played a huge role in the love cult. M.O. Menshikov : "Acting for centuries on the unstable brains of average people, a love story corrupts the sexual feeling more than any other influence."

By the end of the 20th century:
Love is already deprived of independence, it arises not from the natural relations of people, from their natural self, but from an orientation toward patterns imposed by culture overheated by drama. They are generated by mass culture, penetrate the consumer and the viewer, capturing his consciousness, controlling motivation and directing experiences. Since this amorous pressure has been going on for centuries and is transmitted to the next generations also at the genetic level.

"Love has already been turned into a religion. Human love is so overshadowed by the excessive suffering and experiences of romanticism that we are deprived of the opportunity to treat it the way it deserves." We: the deeper aspects of romantic love. Robert A. Johnson

All these amorous - erotic cults, excesses, overheating and other hoaxes undoubtedly have the most negative impact on culture and public consciousness.

It turns out that America is the only country in the world where love is a national issue. It seems that a huge number of Americans of both sexes are in a state of confusion about love.
Raoul de Roussy de Seims.

Misconceptions: what is love in the public sense.

Polls about love, falling in love ... FOM. What is love?

A piece of the transcript of a typical television talk show, dedicated to the relationship between men and women:

The woman, the heroine of the program, talks about her relationships and experiences, calling them love. Another (from the audience) gets up and asks her a question:

- Here you say that you are loved, and that's when you're at your favorite looked at your heart skip a beat?

- In the sense of how to skip a beat?

- Well, like this (she raises her head, rolls her eyes), when the tremor passes through the body and it becomes difficult to breathe ,

- and the second woman stands up and shows the whole audience how such a vegetative disorder looked like in her case .

- No, personally at me is in this form does not freeze at me was quite different ...

- And at you after this enough conscience to declare that you are loved for real, do not you dare more than ever to use this word (love)!

The expression and experience of feelings of love in Russians differs from those of other nationalities:
- subjects of Russian nationality are characterized by inconsistency, irrationality. Love is associated with beauty, happiness, joy, delight - on the one hand, and with sadness, suffering, longing, sadness, tears - on the other.
- the subjects of the Chinese nationality are characterized by rationality, there is no contradiction, love for them is harmony, perfection, music, melody, poem.
Candidate of cultural studies A.V. Sevryuk

Sweet woman, what you described so vividly are signs of natural love. Our culture, not only for you, but for all of us, is deeply misleading, the consequence is sad and tragic.

16% of men and 10% of women express doubts about whether they know what love is, the rest are quite confident in this sense. In youth, there are more doubters.

"Now half of young families break up in the first year of life, two thirds - in the first five years, in 70% of families that have not yet broken up, the spouses are in tense relations ..."
D.philos.n. V.M. Rozin "Problems of love in the context of the contradictions of the modern family"

Only 1.5% of Russians surveyed answered positively to the question "Are your relations with your loved one harmonious."

“According to official statistics, we have 70 divorces per 100 marriages. And I say that 100% of marriages are divorces. We don't have families as such. It's just that people live in isolation in one territory, isolated from each other.
We have such families that only the outer shell keeps people together. I researched families where the marriage lasted 10-15 years, and asked a question of this type: "You would now marry your husband, but only everything will happen again as it was." And vice versa. As a result, only 5% of men did not regret having married this woman. And 9% of women. But, let's say, I agree to marry her, and my wife would not marry me now, if on a new one. So out of 11,400 families, there are five of them, where there is a mutual choice "
Corresponding Member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M.E. Litvak "Love is healthy and addicted"

A wise psychotherapist in the study of conjugal love in the survey did not use this word itself and the correctness of this lies in the fact that if he asked a direct question "Do you love your spouse now" he would receive the answer:
Yes - 59%
Periodically - 34%
I Hate - 7%
From an Internet poll.

And he asked a hidden, expert question and got a reliable picture of the love of the spouses.


- firstly, the respondent is inclined to answer not what actually is, but what he considers appropriate in this situation.

- secondly, this word in our culture does not mean at all what it is.

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

Is love a disease? E. Pushkarev

"Often times love is nothing more than a mutually beneficial deal made by two people, each of whom gets the most from what he can count on, based on the value of both of them in the market for individuals."
E. Fromm "Sane Society"

“Often what is taken for love is that which is not. The custom of "getting married", common economic interests, mutual affection for children, mutual dependence - all this is understood as "love" until one or both partners admit that they do not love and have never loved each other".
E. Fromm "Love and its decay in modern society"

The saddest thing in our official amorous and erotic culture is that there is an active implantation of pseudo-loving pathology at school.

Psychiatric confusion with love in school literature. E. Pushkarev

As a conclusion.

In science and technology, a person has gone far ahead, but in love he remained at the level of dense sexual - romantic irrationality. And if we clear the concept of "love" from fabrications, myths, overheating, fetish, we will combine the wisdom of the past centuries with modern tomographic studies of the brain, we get:

Sexual love exists like all other passions, but like them, it must be debunked; precious ornaments and lush colors must be removed from this idol so that everyone can see that this is not a god, but a simple tree ...
M.O. Menshikov, 19th century philosopher.

Club: Love is a simple tree, but actively bearing fruit.

Just as an almond tree bears more fruit in old age, so love becomes more needed the older it is. It is the same with love, as with a vineyard, for from young years the wine is plentiful, but from old age it is better; in the same way, the first tender love flaunts flowers more magnificently, but love experienced for decades exudes the sweetest juice.
John Lily, English writer of the 16th century.

Psychology - psychotherapeutic avant-garde with a powerful support of socionics has advanced far in the field of scientific adequate perception of the phenomenon of love, now it is desirable that both the main psychological and psychotherapeutic forces were pulled up to the positions reclaimed from the protracted "this secret is great". And after the consolidation, we will all work together to rehabilitate true love and the psychological recovery of society.

And to determine love, there are both very expensive methods using complex magnetic resonance imaging, biochemical studies, and very cheap ones:

Test for love: "scale of love and sympathy" Z. Rubin.
(the test can be used only after reading the materials indicated in the links)

E Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

For those who would like to know other details of the answers to the question "what is love?":

What is love as a kind of psychological reality? L. Gozman, N. Azhgikhina

What is love, what is romance and what is the difference between them. Robert A. Johnson.

One of the basic needs of a modern person is to learn to distinguish between earthly love, which is the basis of any relationship, and romantic love ... Robert A. Johnson.

True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

Ecology and drama of love. E. Pushkarev.

A selection of various polls "What is love?"

This page is from the section ”The Psychology of Love”. E. Pushkarev.

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The concept of "love". E. Pushkarev

"Romantic love": aspects, analysis and consequences. E Pushkarev.

How to get rid of "love"? E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Sigmund Freud about love.

Эрих Фромм

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми