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If the confusion of love and pseudo-loves is eliminated. E. Pushkarev

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Determine the meaning of words, and you will save humanity from half of its delusions.
René Descartes

Love is so distorted, profaned and vulgarized in fallen human life that it has become almost impossible to pronounce the words of love, new words must be found.
N. Berdyaev


There is a natural phenomenon of love between a man and a woman, and there are still falling in love , pseudo-love disorders and other drives. And there is a cultural invention - "Cultural love" it is both highly and not very artistic, more often romantic makeup of the second under the first. Moreover, not only ordinary workers of the art workshop, but also geniuses. As a result, for at least eight centuries there was a dramatic and often tragic confusion of love with pseudo-lovers, which lasted until the middle of the twentieth century, until it was possible to reveal the essence and nature of inter-sex individual love.

And in everyday life, religion, bed and literature - these are all completely different types of love.
Vladimir Ivanov "Love and the Wars of the Sexes". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

It all began with the fact that Z. Freud explained , in his work "On a special type of" object selection " men "that all love literature is poetic freedom, fantasies, hidden drives, and if we want to know what love is," it is necessary that science, with coarser touches and not at all for pleasure, should take up the same issues, the poetic treatment of which people enjoyed from time immemorial".

The most breakthrough contribution to the disclosure of the mystery of love was made by Erich Fromm, whose work undoubtedly influenced subsequent research on this topic ... He introduced new concepts and clarifications: "true love", "fruitful love", "mature love". “Caring and responsibility means that love is an activity, not a passion that overwhelmed someone, and not an affect that“ captured ”someone. -then".

He explained that falling in love is one of the forms of pseudo-love. introduced and deciphered the concepts of "false love", "sentimental love", "neurotic love". He defined the semantic contours and vectors of love.

Basic definition of love by E. Fromm:
Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It implies care, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop.

Complementary definition of love according to E. Pushkarev:
Love is a stable, harmonizing, psychostimulating, meaning-forming state (relationship and feelings) of exclusive acceptance, which has gone through the stages of inception and development, based on unchanging psychological functions throughout life (for example, the basis of K. Jung), and their better compatibility among partners , and therefore becomes stronger and more wholesome over the years.

The same philosopher of the 11th century Ibn Hazm expressed this way: "... the gravitation of similar souls, causeless and therefore eternal love"

According to Z. Rubin, the key signs of love are: affection, care and intimacy (trust).

functional magnetic resonance imaging If the advanced team of anthropologists, neuropsychologists, neurochemists, neurobiologists, psychotherapists, philosophers and other professionals, using the latest biochemical methods and equipment: magnetic resonance imaging, managed to identify various brain centers involved in a variety of amorous and erotic experiences and thereby reveal the nature of love , then the culture is still in deep irrational delusion.

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Tomography of love

And the main thing of this solution turned out to be that the term "love" was called several outwardly similar, but different in nature, mental phenomena.

It turned out that the term "love" is the most widespread homonym in the world.
Homonyms are words that are written and sound the same, but different in meaning.

... love represents a kind of Austro-Hungarian empire, where under one cap are collected a lot of quite incompatible cognitive, emotional and behavioral phenomena.
B. Marstein

If we consider and systematize with the help of equipment, biochemical studies and tests all the drives between a man and a woman, then we get four independent affective systems in the work of the brain as independent, mental units:

1. Love;

                Natural love. E. Pushkarev

                The essence of love. E. Pushkarev

                What is love. E. Pushkarev

                Is love an emotion, a feeling or what? E. Pushkarev

                Love test: “scale of love and sympathy” by Z. Rubin. E. Pushkarev

                How love is considered in socionics. E. Pushkarev

                True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

                Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.

                Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

2. Natural falling in love;

                Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

                I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

                Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

3. Poor quality falling in love; (passion)

                Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev.

                Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.

                Poor quality falling in love - eros. E. Pushkarev

                A large collection of articles and books on love addiction, which our culture often calls "addictive love" "over-selective love", "Neurotic love", "too much love", "more than love", "compulsive love", "toxic love", etc. and people suffering from these disorders.

4. Lust (lat. Libido) - lust, sensual sexual attraction, "languor of the flesh", acolasia (other gr.) - body pleasures, "we fight for fornication" (Old Russian), "fals amore", " genital potency ”, libido (according to Freud) the need for sexual satisfaction in discharge is a purely biological, cyclical process.

Loneliness will set our nets more than once for us,
And we, naive, deceived, again,
Let us take the languor of the flesh for love.
A. S. Pushkin

                                All articles, books and videos about sex, orgasms (M and F) and their significance.

More about the difference between love and lust (lust, sex) Here

And they occur almost always in the most varied combinations and combinations, rarely as independent.

Each of these systems - psychological mechanisms - has its own neural correlate. These correlates are commonly referred to as brain modules, or brain relay systems. Each system is responsible for its own specific sensory and behavioral repertoire. Almost always, several systems operate at the same time, so complex networks are formed. Researchers of love "before the instrument era" considered each combination to be an independent type (type, color) of love, which is why there are so many of its most different classifications and interpretations.

Classifications of love relationships. E. Pushkarev.

Brain researchers have already identified seven to nine different states of "I" that complement each other, intersect and mix with each other, forming a variety of states.

For comparison, we can give the following analogy, these systems differ from each other as the mental phenomena "emotion", "feeling", "affect", "mood" differ. It is not difficult for a professional to distinguish between them. This is also how an experienced fisherman distinguishes a perch from a chebak, a crucian carp, a ruff without even thinking. Let me give you another analogy - the natural movement of water in nature. It can be rain, it can be a river, there can be high and low tides, or a devastating tsunami. After all, it never occurs to anyone to call all natural water movements one term. But in history of the culture of love this terminological confusion began immediately after the collapse of the ancient Greek civilization.

The first step towards the solution of any problem is its conscious and correct formulation; but the task of love was never consciously posed, and therefore it was never solved properly. They looked at love and are only looking at it as a given fact, as a state (normal for some, painful for others) ...
V. S. Soloviev

It is better to understand how these four amorous attractions differ, we can, if we agree to consider them not from the standpoint of our culture and moralists, who use a vertical rating scale for this:

The highest value on this Earth is Love.
A. Block

Falling in love is the most fragile kind of love.
K. Lewis

According to L.N. Tolstoy, lust, lust, voluptuousness is sin and filth, a manifestation of animality. It is possible to indulge in voluptuousness only as one indulges in secret vice.

Is love a natural feeling? Is it human to love? Love is a disease, but for a disease the law is not written.
I. S. Turgenev

And we use a horizontal, scientific, statistical scale, that is, we will consider all of them in one plane, as independent, full-fledged mental manifestations, without pathos, unjustifiably better - worse. In addition, we know from statistics that most often people experience falling in love, then lust and low-quality falling in love, and in the last place with a large gap - love.

“Statements about love. Whom to believe?

All these amorous - erotic manifestations on our site have already been described in detail and links are provided, and in this article I propose to imagine what will happen if we replace the widely and illegibly used term "love" with terms denoting independent phenomena that are now contained in its semantic field.

"Love must be reinvented"
poet Arthur Rimbaud

To do this, we explicate the cultural norms of love between a man and a woman.

EXPLICATION (Latin explicatio - explanation) - clarification of concepts and statements of natural or artificial language in order to eliminate the ambiguities and inaccuracies identified in them, or (and) in accordance with the new the object of research. E. can be understood as the replacement of some (imprecise, unclear) concepts with others (formally more precise) or only as a clarification.

The most difficult thing in an adequate explication of the phenomenon of love is the elimination of myths and prejudices about love, which:

Engels in his work "Ludwig Feuerbach and the End of Classical German Philosophy" notes that “... sexual love during the last 8 centuries has become an obligatory axis around which revolves all poetry ”.

"... love has already been turned into a religion. Human love is so darkened by the excessive suffering and experiences of romanticism that we are deprived of the opportunity to treat it the way it deserves." Robert A. Johnson

Let us begin the explication of love with the fact that both of the respected researchers cited above write not about love, but about a large family of amorous - erotic relationships, in which love is somewhere on the sidelines.

In order to clarify what we will be explicating, we will give a brief calculation about modern, cultural clichés of ideas about love:

"Love is the greatest theme of human existence and human life. Although love is very familiar to everyone, it is very difficult to express it in words. Love has many faces, its origin is incomprehensible, its power is enormous, and the suffering, tears and even death that accompany Every day she is sung as a great happiness, everyone dreams of her, they passionately crave her. And, nevertheless, she is constantly in danger from material, egoism, spiritual, moral underdevelopment. in the space of this life".

16% of men and 10% of women express doubts about whether they know what love is, the rest are confident in their knowledge about it.

And the biggest and most annoying delusion of our culture is that a painful disorder similar in its plot began to be ranked as an absolutely positive feeling of love - substandard being in love is a mania . Moreover, this destructive attraction by the end of the second millennium began to be elevated to the pedestal of "true love". This pathology is imposed not only on the official channel "Culture", but also at school.

Psychiatric confusion with love at school. E. Pushkarev

And here is how Paul Popeno describes what most Americans think about it: “Love is an incomprehensible obsession that comes from nowhere and immediately takes over you completely, like measles. You will recognize it intuitively. you will see her, no doubt. Love is so important that you have to give up everything for her. A man is forgivable to leave his wife for love, a woman is forgiven to leave home and children, a king is a throne. She comes out of the blue and you can do nothing. She is not subject to man".

Expression and experience of feelings of love in Russians differs from those of other nationalities:
- subjects of Russian nationality are characterized by inconsistency, irrationality. Love is associated with beauty, happiness, joy, delight - on the one hand, and with sadness, suffering, longing, sadness, tears - on the other.
- the subjects of the Chinese nationality are characterized by rationality, there is no contradiction, love for them is harmony, perfection, music, melody, poem.
Candidate of cultural studies A.V. Sevryuk

... in the Chinese linguistic consciousness, the idea is cultivated that love is born from the feeling of friendship. This is confirmed in the analysis of the character "love" in the Chinese language - both complex and simplified versions of the character basically contain the ideogram "friend". Hence, we can draw a conclusion about the similarity in the Chinese linguistic consciousness of the signs of "love" and "friendship".
Turning to the concept of love, we do not see an absolute analogy between Russian and Chinese national characters. This is all the more inappropriate since the origins of the Russian and Chinese words love are not identical.
Philologist Ch. Abidueva “Paremiological analysis of the concept“ love ”in Russian and Chinese cultures.

In explication, the ancient Greek language will help us , into which we will translate the overloaded modern term "love", because it was wiser and more diverse than modern languages, not only Russian, but also others. Therefore, it was much easier and more understandable for the ancient Greeks to understand their amorous - erotic relationships.

In addition to seven already well-known terms, it denotes different states formed under the influence of various sexual desires: philia , agape, storge, pragma, mania , ludus , eros , there were others: potos - lust, sexual attraction; ennoia - giving love; aphrodisia - "affairs of Aphrodite", acolasia - pleasures of the body, were the terms denoting pleasures delivered through sight, hearing and smell; haris - love based on gratitude and respect, etc.

It should be emphasized that these terms and concepts were known during the earthly life of Jesus Christ and influenced the first ideologues of Christianity.

If we combine modern instrumental studies of the entire spectrum of amorous - erotic feelings and the semantic spaces of the terms of the ancient Greek language denoting them, we can conclude that love, falling in love, passion, lust are different species concepts and as such they are included in the generic concept of attraction. And in our era, these four independent drives, by a big misunderstanding, were combined into one concept of love.

ATTRACTION - the general direction of movement of a living organism, the unconscious desire of the subject to satisfy his needs.

GENERAL CONCEPT - a concept that expresses the essential features of a class of objects that are the genus of any species. A generic concept is a subordinate concept, which includes species concepts that are smaller in volume.

And the generic concept of love includes: a fruitful relationship to another and to oneself, care, responsibility, respect, knowledge, psycho-stimulation, harmonization, affection, intimacy (trust). Let us especially clarify that love, passion, lust and other pseudo-loving emotions and feelings, as species concepts, have nothing to do with the generic concept of love.

More details: What is love. E. Pushkarev

Modes of work of the brain, as it is experienced subjectively and the ancient Greek terms mean:

active areas of the brain of loving people * Compatible love ; accompanied by the activity of hormones: vasopressin, oxytocin, this is philia - it is also "true love", "fruitful love", "mature love", "love-friendship", "disposition", "attraction", "attraction", "rapprochement", "Union", reaching the point of complete fusion and identification, over the years only becomes stronger and more fruitful. It allows a person to become their best self.

In the dissertation of the philologist Ivanova I.A. The analysis of the development of the semantic volume of the concepts of love and friendship was carried out, which showed that the words friendliness, friendly, friendly can be considered a semantic segment of the concept of love, since these concepts are united by the common seme “relations between people based on spiritual closeness, mutual affection”.

Twenty-four centuries ago, Aristotle wrote about the same, but more fully in his Nicomachean Ethics: “Love, therefore, comes more from friendship than from sensual attraction. But if most of all from friendship, then friendship is the goal of love. Therefore, sensual attraction is either not a goal at all, or it is for the sake of friendship".

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

But there are states in one way or another close to true love. This is how there is gold of 999 standard - pure gold, and there are 585 or 375 samples, also gold, but not so pure:

- agape (caritas, lat.) - philanthropy; selfless love-self-giving; altruistic, spiritual love, full of sacrifice and self-denial, built on condescension and forgiveness. It is also generosity - a form of humanity characterized by the presence of kindness that greatly exceeds generally accepted norms. Generosity is humanity, the ability to sacrifice for the sake of the interests of others.
It is necessary to distinguish between the concepts of "generosity" and "generosity". They are very close, but a generous person can be so through upbringing or in a situational outburst of feelings. And real generosity is almost impossible to cultivate. It depends on the innate amount of love in the soul, and scientists believe that this quality is in the genes. Therefore, agape is not individual interpersonal love, which is acquired as a result of communication, interaction of people. It is like perfect pitch some have, most do not. According to the psychologist D.A. About 7% of people have a similar gift of philanthropy.
Dr. Michel Poulin, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Buffalo and lead author of the study, explains: “We are not claiming to have discovered a gene for generosity and philanthropy. But we have discovered genes that contribute to a person's attitude towards the world and other people, depending on how a person perceives this world". In particular, people who consider the world to be evil and hostile are less likely to help those in need and less likely to engage in charity work.
They are characterized by the predominance of special variants of genes that control the synthesis of hormone receptors. Other, more "pleasant" variants of genes that control the synthesis of receptors for oxytocin and vasopressin have been found in those who have philanthropy and seek to help people. Among them, the largest number of people involved in charity work was noted.

People endowed with a great gift of agape have a spiritual need to give their love, but this does not mean at all that they easily find intersexual individual love. Because one of the most important components of agape is philanthropy, it is the strength that lives within us, it is love for all people, or for a certain category of people: children, old people, cancer patients, etc. And individual love philia is a feeling that is formed on the basis of the best combination of individual psychotypical characteristics for a single, specific person who has super-value for him. These are completely different mental phenomena, they have different origins and trends.

"There is no greater love (αγαπην - agape), as if someone lay down his life for his friends" (John 15.13),

"Whom I love (φιλω - philia), I denounce and punish those. So be zealous and repent" (Rev. 3:19);

In the Greek version of the New Testament, the terms both "agape" and "philia" are used, and in the Russian and English versions they are translated by one word love, which has added additional confusion to its understanding, and therefore perception.

Strong's dictionaries: noun agape: "love, that is, affection or benevolence, mercy; feast of love: - (feast of) mercy", the verb agapao: "to love (in a social or moral sense). Once in the New Testament, agape is used in the sense of" a feast of love, "in relation to the Lord's Supper.

At the dawn of Christianity, together with the Lord's Supper, they celebrated "agape", or the feast of love. It was something like a common meal, which was held in a spirit of love and brotherhood. At the end of the feast of love, Christians often remembered the Lord with bread and wine.
Commentaries on the New Testament by William McDonald

Christianity saw in love both the essence of its god (who, unlike the gods of ancient religion, is not only loved, but also loves everyone himself), and the main commandment to man. But it was a very special love ("agape"), not similar to either sensual "eros", or friendship of choice ("filia"), or the patriotic solidarity of citizens. It was about a sacrificial, “covering everything” and unmotivated love for a “neighbor” - not for a “close” in kind or personal inclination, not for “our own”, but for someone who happens to be close, and especially to the enemy and offender.
D.philos.n. A. Spirkin "A Brief History of Love". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Mother Teresa (in the world of Gonja) from the age of 12 began to dream of monastic service in order to go to India to take care of the poor there. She made the efforts of her whole life to realize her dream and she succeeded.
But in the intergender, personal sphere, Mother Teresa has not just emptiness, but rather indifference to the opposite sex. It can be assumed that her libido energy was sublimated in agape, thereby further strengthening it. In 2016, Mother Teresa was canonized in the Catholic Church.

The more love, wisdom, beauty, kindness you discover in yourself, the more you will notice them in the world around you.
Mother Teresa

If we consider the statement of Osho (Bhagavan Shri Rajneesh): "Love does not need an object, love is the radiation of your essence", it clearly and accurately describes agape, but has absolutely nothing to do with individual love filia because filia does not just need an object of love, but it is impossible without it, and with a corresponding psychotype that exactly matches it.

Therefore, if we are talking about individual inter-sex love, filia is pure gold, and agape is another specialization. If we are talking about philanthropy, selflessness, altruism, sacrifice, pure gold is agape.

Meanwhile, there is no doubt that love is essentially a non-social and extra-social phenomenon and has nothing to do with society and family, it is a completely personal phenomenon, associated exclusively with the personality.
N.A. Berdyaev, "On the appointment of a person"

There are other feelings, which are also kind of like gold, but of a lower standard:

- storge is understanding, guardianship, patronage, conscious, volitional regulation, building relationships, the ability to get along, habit, from "marriage-survival" to "marriage-development." This is what family counseling, pop psychology, religion does.

As an example Five languages of love. Geri Chapman

- ennoia - giving love,

- charis - love based on gratitude and respect

- pragma - love as a conscious self-determination. More precisely, it is not love itself, it is a stage that precedes it with comprehension, the choice of a path for finding it, creating a family. This is a fateful stage in a person's life, when he is determined by what I should be guided to create a family by my own feelings, advice from close relatives, read literature or obsessive pop culture.

And in Russian, all these states, independent of one another, are written with a hyphen after the word "love". That is, Russian culturologists, as well as Western all these states, most often caused by sexual desires, precisely differentiated by ancient Greek terms, united by a single circulatory system and called them "types of love", which irresistibly confused its understanding. lovers

* Natural love ; accompanied by the activity of neurotransmitters: dopamine, phenylethylamine, serotonin, oxytocin, this is eros - " romantic love. " "heat" , "Passion", "sensuality", "corporeality", corporeality also kindles spiritually - mental instincts, a violent craving for possession of a loved one. This is the most common attraction between a man and a woman. Separately, one can single out such a form of love as " first love ", since this is an amorous debut taking place in adolescence age, it happens in the most dramatic and exciting.

Falling in love is a whole family of drives that have nothing to do with love. E. Fromm called being in love as one of the forms of pseudo-love. The bulk of falling in love is genetically predetermined cyclical, specific conditions for ensuring the survival of the species, accompanied by an increase in hormonal levels and neuroactive chemicals ( duration according to H. Fischer up to 30 months, average six months). This is what man took over from his animal ancestors.

Other stimuli can also be the reason for falling in love: sexual or emotional deficit, “thirst for experience”, when they need vivid feelings and want to escape from the depressing everyday life, when they are experiencing an internal crisis. In some cases, people with the help of falling in love are saved from depression, etc.

And with this term "fall in love" - "erasthenai" in the ancient Greek language there was more certainty. Its semantic field corresponded to a single-root "eros" - eros, and in Russian, to fall in love with a single-root - to love, as it turned out after research, phenomena that have nothing to do with one another.

Poll by the Public Opinion Foundation in 2004 “How many times in your life have you had to fall in love?”: Once - 33%, twice - 20%, three times - 13%, four times - 2%, five times - 3%, ten times - 3%, many times - 14%, did not fall in love - 10%, another - 2%.

* Lust ; accompanied by the activity of hormones: testosterone, estrogen, this is Potos - a deity who personified sexual attraction, a companion of Aphrodite. Lust, sensual sexual attraction, "languor of the flesh", the need for sexual satisfaction, in relaxation, this is a purely biological experience, not associated with specific relationships, and therefore impersonal. It is most pronounced in people with high sexual constitution . At certain age periods, for example, adolescence, or pubertal hypersexuality, is associated with the maximum production of testosterone, a similar surge is typical for spring. Various aspects and hypotheses about sexual attraction are described in doctrine of Z. Freud .

Ancient Greek philosopher Archytas: “The most destructive scourge that only nature could give to people is carnal pleasure; passions thirsting for this pleasure, recklessly and irresistibly strive for satisfaction - hence the cases of betrayal of the fatherland, hence the cases of the overthrow of the state system ... in a word, there is no crime, no evil deed, to which a passionate desire for carnal pleasure would not push a person". In the treatise "On Old Age", quoting these lines, Archita continues: "The passion for love pleasures generates crimes, it leads to incest and even to betrayal of the homeland. Love passion kills the mind in a person, therefore, nowhere is abstinence and moderation so necessary as in love."

In Russia, 51% of the men surveyed used the services of prostitutes before the October Revolution (Golossenko, Golod 1998).

In the diaries of L.N. Tolstoy admits that there were moments in his life when he wandered around the garden with "foggy eyes", wanting only one thing - to drag the maid or the cook into the bushes and take her roughly, like an animal.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ...
Vasya, do you love me?
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh ...
What do you think I'm doing now?
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh ...
Doubts of the heroine of this anecdote are caused by the fact that she lacks both deep internal and external manifestations of eros to identify his "love". And Vasya sincerely considers lust to be a manifestation of "love." After all, the phrase "let's make love" is not he invented. One of the many options is how the Russian language and culture confuse ordinary people, dooming them to painful experiences.

It seems that humanity is too suppressed. Therefore, people invented substitute words. In the Western world, they don't say, "We are having sex," they say, "We are making love." This is a substitute word. And this is false, because love belongs to a completely different dimension. Having sex means having sex, it is not making love. Love may include sex, but still it has a different quality.

And here is how the three above-mentioned modes of operation of the brain can be commented on by the multilevel theory of Max Scheler. Based on the well-known scheme of three levels of a person (body, soul, spirit), he also distinguishes three possible ways of an interested relationship between a man and a woman. One way is content with only the most external - this is a sexual relationship, which is addressed exclusively to the level of the body, the external observable manifestation. The physical appearance of another person turns out to be arousing, this arousal causes attraction to a sexually attractive partner, directly affecting the physical being of a person.

An interesting difference between eros and sex was noted by the psychotherapist Rollo May: "The essence of eros lies in the fact that it beckons us, while sex pushes us from behind."

R. May makes another remark that the relationship between sex and eros in modern society turns out to be conflicting, antagonistic: “We opposed sex to eros, using sex precisely in order to avoid burdensomely deep relationships associated with eros ... We flee from eros; and sex is a high-spirited horse that carries us away from the chase…. We use the sensuality of sex as a defense against the passion of eros".

The erotic attitude is one step higher. Erotica already penetrates into the psychic sphere of another person, causing infatuation. An enthusiastic person is not just in a state of physical excitement, but rather his own psychological emotionality is aroused; it is aroused by the partner's special mental organization, say, by some traits of his character.

Love represents an even higher level in relationship with another person as with a spiritual being.

* Falling in love ; disorders in some ways resemble excessive falling in love, these are:

mania - a stormy and all-consuming feeling. It is associated with madness and confusion. The lover is constantly seized with the desire "to demand signs of love and attention from the beloved." In this state, ecstatic outbursts are interspersed with despair. This feeling is like a roller coaster: steep dizzying ups and downs;

There is no mad love, but there is the love of madmen.
S. Feret, neuropathologist

ludus - hedonistic love-game with betrayals; "Free love" pickup, "love scam" or "libertinage", "spontaneous sex", according to Giddens - "plastic sexuality", etc .;

eros often happens as natural love, but there is also its painful form, like (sexual addiction).

Criteria for distinguishing between love and addiction. S. Peel, A. Brodsky

Love and sexual addictions. A. Egorov

They not only have nothing to do with love, but are classified as both psychological and mental disorders - love addictions according to the International Classifier of Diseases (ICD-10) included in section F63. "Habit and impulse disorders" is a classification of non-chemical forms of addictive behavior. This happened only in the last third of the twentieth century, but modern culture, including the official one, does not want to reckon with such discoveries of psychiatry, it is more convenient for it to be in captivity of centuries-old delusions - they cannot sacrifice principles.

Detection tests:
love addiction according to Egorov;
of Sexual Addiction by P. Carnes

Love does not know the middle: it either destroys or saves.
Victor Hugo

Of course, to convince Victor Hugo is no longer possible. But to explain to his fans that mania or other low-quality love destroys, and love - filia, really saves, makes life more wholesome and more meaningful, this is possible.

If we consider two sayings from famous love researchers:


“Erich Fromm, a prominent American philosopher, took an important step forward here. In the book The Art of Love he presented a deep and new theory of love. "Love," he said, "is mainly giving, not receiving."
K. Philological Sciences, Sociologist Yu. Ryurikov "Honey and Poison of Love". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

You can add that the book E. Fromm “The Art of Love. Investigation of the nature of love " (1956) undoubtedly influenced subsequent studies of this topic.


“Fromm is a chatterbox who, in psychological terms invented by himself, explains the previous psychological terms, which also mean nothing. Experiencing the phenomenon of another person as your own is an idiocy from a biological point of view.
... I think that in the modern world ninety percent of what is associated with the word "love" is fiction. Why? Yes, because we are humans only by a few percent, that is, exactly as much as the cortex occupies in the total volume of the brain. Everything else is the limbic system inherited from reptiles. It is she who is responsible for sexual behavior, that is, for love".
Professor, Doctor of Biological Sciences. S. Savelyev

The conflict of these statements can be understood if we consider in detail what kind of love the authors are talking about.

E. Fromm's views on the nature of love and its significance in human life constitute an essential part of the "humanistic ethics ", which, in his formulation, is" the applied science of the art of living". Thus, the "art of living" for him includes the "art of love." The assertion that love is an art, and not an instinct and not a gift from above, expresses the specificity of E. Fromm's views, because for him love is agape. In Russian, philanthropy that needs to be learned.

And for the biologist S. Savelyev, love is one of the evolutionary methods for the most effective reproduction, continuation of the species, even more precisely, "dopaminergic goal-setting motivation for the formation of temporary paired bonds in order to give birth to offspring", which does not need to be learned. In Russian this is falling in love or eros, in which the main motive and goal is sexual contact.

Falling in love and the behavior characteristic of lovers have been developed over millions of years of evolution, says S. Savelyev.

And if S. Savelyev, on the one hand, and Yu. Ryurikov and E. Fromm, on the other hand, agreed on what kind of love they write, there would be no conflict.

The biggest, massive drama and even tragedy in the confusion of love and falling in love occurs when creating a family.
Perm sociologist Z. Feinburg found that among the 15 thousand families he surveyed, 70 - 80% (in different social groups in different ways) marry for love.

And then:

Doctor of Philosophy V.M. Rozin: “Half of young families break up in the first year of life, two-thirds - in the first five years, in 70% of families that have not yet broken up, the spouses are in tense relations, they drag the strap of a woeful life.” These families are the providers of the worst endings to family life. Annually about 14 thousand wives die at the hands of their husbands, more than 6 thousand husbands die at the hands of their wives.

Only 1.5% of Russians surveyed answered positively to the question "Are your relations with your loved one harmonious."

One love is the fun of a cold life,
One love - torment of hearts:
She gives only a gratifying moment,
And the end is not visible to sorrows.
A. S. Pushkin

In the United States, 40% of murders occur on family grounds, another 25% of suicides occur with spouses, lovers or rivals in the fight for the favor of the same person. We do not have such statistics, but there are about the same number of victims.

Unknowingly, for true love, people accepted falling in love, which quickly passes, and then alienation, enmity and big problems how to live on?

Question: If, before marriage, enchanted lovers know that they are experiencing not filia (true love), but eros (natural) love, the duration of which a maximum of 30 months will they create it?

Correct answer:

“According to official statistics, we have 70 divorces per 100 marriages. And I say that 100% of marriages are divorces. We don't have families as such. It's just that people live in isolation in one territory, isolated from each other.
We have such families that only the outer shell keeps people together. I researched families where the marriage lasted 10-15 years, and asked, asked a question of this type: "You would now marry your husband, but only everything will happen again as it was." And vice versa. As a result, only 5% of men did not regret having married this woman. And 9% of women. But, let's say, I agree to marry her, and my wife would not marry me now, if on a new one. So out of 11,400 families of this kind, it turned out, there are five where there is a mutual choice". Corresponding Member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, Doctor of Medical Sciences psychotherapist M.E. Litvak

And if, after such a sad statistics, we recall the statement of V.O. Klyuchevsky: “To live is to be loved. He lived, or she lived - it means only one thing: he or she was loved a lot". And how many then do we get people living, and how many dragging out?

There are several more sides of the same problem.

A.I. Herzen said as a great injustice in the history of mankind that a woman was “driven into love”. The woman is driven not into love, but into romantic illusions, into dramatized eros. A.I. Herzen made his statement in the second half of the 19th century since then the amorous - romantic bias in culture has only grown and as a result:

Alessandra Baduel, who has researched women's novels, writes: "Romanticism and happy ending in women's novels create dangerous illusions, and women lose touch with reality."

"Ladies' novels harm married couples, sexuality, numerous women who read them, fall into illusions, dream, stay in anticipation of sensual experiences and end up not accepting prosaic reality, destroying love relationships with their own hands. Such readers completely turn off common sense. and chasing romance, "writes the famous British psychologist Susan Quilliam.

“For us Westerners, who have absorbed a romantic liquor with our mother's milk, Belorukaya Isolde (a symbol of earthly love) seems to be a secondary figure. and the Beautiful Isolde".
We: the deepest aspects of romantic love. Robert A. Johnson
It may be recalled: in 68% of cases (in Moscow - up to 80%) the wife is the initiator of the divorce. Young women are especially active, only after 50 years, the husband often becomes the initiator of divorce.

In a survey conducted by a student magazine, more than half of the students wished for richness of feelings, drama, and passionate love.

From the book of Doctor of Psychology. Yu. Shcherbatykh "Psychology of love and sex". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...": "... to the question of the questionnaire" Strong is love a reward or a punishment? " the majority of students (62%) answered "reward", 23% - "punishment", 15% - "both".

Due to the confusion caused by the unfavorable ecology of love in our society , our Club is often asked questions:
I'm married, but I fell in love, how can I get rid of this "love" I don't need?
"... I have a good husband, but I really want to fall in love."
"... I don't know him, but I love him a lot ."
"My husband works a lot, but I lack attention and affection."
"... I live with a person who doesn't like me, how to be."
"I left my husband for a lover now I regret ..."
"I can't love, I just can't, I can't."
Is it possible to "love" a spouse again as in youth?
I'm already completely exhausted. I often quarrel with my boyfriend
Tell me my boyfriend "loves" me or what?
But most often they ask the question: How to get rid of "love"?

"Ivan does not understand why I do not want to marry him. Any fool can cook him borscht and wash his shirts, but I need real, great love." (from correspondence with readers of the newspaper "Speed - Info")

True, great love in the understanding of N.G. He described Chernyshevsky in the novel "What is to be done?", In his version of the love triangle of Vera Pavlovna, Lopukhov and Kirsanov. Vera Pavlovna dreamed that she did not love her husband any more, and she told him with dismay about her dream. Lopukhov helped her see that she loved Kirsanov, faked suicide to untie her hands, and after a while Vera Pavlovna became Kirsanov's wife.

The feelings that Lopukhov felt for his wife are either nobility or altruism. These are all high feelings, but they are not mandatory components of love, which means they are not directly related to it. To mix them only to confuse yourself.

But E. Fromm is sharper in qualifying the feelings that Lopukhov has for his wife: “Very often - and not only in everyday usage - sadomasochism is confused with love. Especially often masochistic phenomena are taken for manifestations of love. Complete self-denial for the sake of another person, refusal in his favor of his own rights and needs - all this is presented as an example of "great love"; it is believed that there is no better proof for love than sacrifice and willingness to give up oneself for the sake of a loved one. In fact, "love" in these cases is a masochistic attachment and is rooted in the need for symbiosis".

And we know the obligatory components of love from the research of Z. Rubin.

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

In addition, from the biography true love of Z. Gippius and D. Merezhkovsky , which lasted 52 years (during this time they did not part for a single day), until the last day of Dmitry Sergeevich's life. Z. Gippius was also fond of other men. But she never had any thoughts to break off relations with her husband.

You may feel deeply attached to the spouse with whom you have a long-term relationship, and at the same time have romantic feelings for the other, feeling sexual attraction regardless of your partner. This independence means the ability to experience simultaneously love, falling in love, sexual attraction to several people - a situation that leads to jealousy, adultery and divorce.
Professor of Anthropology H. Fischer

Real life is more meaningful and multifaceted than theoretical constructions of high thinkers.

Or here's another.

There was such a concept "Russian love", this is when for a long time a woman experiences a strong love feeling for a man who does not reciprocate, does not react to this feeling. Such love is called overselective or overselective, it is "neurotic love" and is a love addiction. 20% of Muscovites (15% across the country) never get married, and half of them do not marry precisely because of “Russian love”.

The many-sided thing called love helps to build bridges from loneliness on one side to loneliness on the other. These bridges are amazingly beautiful, but only occasionally are they built forever and more often than not they cannot withstand excessive loads and collapse.
K. Horney.

Dear Karen Horney, alliances are rarely built forever only because our culture does not seek to explain to people what love is, and what pseudo-love is and how not to fall into the trap of the latter. Culture feeds people with an inedible, amorous - erotic vinaigrette, which at first consists of brightly swirling illusions, then they seem to begin to fill with some everyday content, after which a quick alienation, disappointment, bewilderment and confusion sets in ... How to live on?

A beautiful, bright, exciting love collapses not under the weight of a load, but because its term is predetermined genetically. And true love over the years only becomes stronger and more wholesome.

And this dramatic confusion is because a person does not have an innate gift to distinguish love from a huge variety of pseudo-loves, and our culture confuses more than helps in understanding these emotional experiences and problems, in arranging personal life.

And now let's imagine how many contradictions, problems, misfortunes we will avoid if instead of the overloaded, overheated term "love" we use its ancient Greek synonyms, equivalents that characterize each of its independent specific manifestations.

Elimination of worldview confusion.

There is confusion here: God is love. - Let's make love.

And here there is no confusion: God is agape - Let's engage in potos (sex).

Because the semantic field of agape does not in any way touch the semantic field of potos (sex). Sex occupies an important and influential place in the life of a growing up and sexually mature person, but why confuse this even in terms with higher spiritual principles? In life, you need both, but why confuse a person with terms, especially a young one, whose hormones are simply seething.

They call spiritual love with the same word - love for God and neighbor, and carnal love of a man for a woman or a woman for a man. This is a big mistake. There is nothing in common between these two feelings. The first - spiritual love for God and neighbor - is the voice of God, the second - sexual love between a man and a woman - the voice of an animal.
L.N. Tolstoy,

So it turns out that if we combine the semantic pictures that form the semantic field of the modern term "love" we get a chimera in which high morality contacts lust, mental dedication with mental disorders. But so far we have not considered at all the "love" for fried potatoes, for the theater, for sports, etc.

Natural carnal love is unworthy to be called love, because it has nothing to do with true love for neighbors, commanded by Christ the Savior in His Gospel. Carnal love strives to bring earthly well-being to the beloved. There is no constancy in it, it can flare up very strongly, but often after a short time it easily turns into disgust and even hatred.
St. Ignatius

Since ancient times, intellectuals have been talking about antinomies in love.

Antinomy (ancient Greek - contradiction of the law to itself) is a contradiction between two provisions that are recognized as equally true.

G. Hegel called love "a monstrous contradiction."

"Love is full of antinomies: it is ambivalent - it includes a moment of hatred for your partner, together with pleasure it brings suffering, it is the result of a free choice of an object and extreme dependence on it." Doctor of Philology S. G. Vorkachev

The concept of love in the Russian language consciousness. S.Vorkachev

There are even dissertations devoted to this "The antinomy of the understanding of love in the context of Western European and Russian culture." O.A. Otradnova: “Love contains a number of similar contradictions, expressed in the combination of such aspects and manifestations of it as real and ideal, natural and social, moral and immoral, internal and external, bodily and spiritual, egocentric and altruistic, sexual and androgynous, individual and unified, freedom and enslavement, pleasure and suffering, reality and illusion; hence its opposite interpretations".

For example: If we keep wolves with sheep in the same fence, besides, we will also grow cabbage here, then an antinomy will naturally arise between the characters. And if we separate them on different fences, then the antinomy will stop. And in amorous-erotic relationships, as soon as we separate independent mental drives along different semantic fences, then each of the drives will be unambiguous, and therefore understandable. But for some reason our cultural ideologues do not do this yet.

Another version of the translation of the term "love" and single-root words into the ancient Greek language, taking into account the semantics.
There are a couple of statements of prominent and famous people seemingly about "love", but each statement in this pair contradicts the neighboring one. But what would have happened after explication:
--- (To love deeply) Deeply experiencing mania means forgetting about yourself. J.-J. Rousseau

The true essence of (love) filia is ... to find oneself and to possess oneself. G. Hegel

--- When we (love) experience eros, we lose our sight. Lope de Vega

For a developed person (love), philia is not blind. N.V. Shelgunov

--- (Love) Mania is a disease, like an obsession, similar to melancholy. Avicenna

(Love) Filia is the most intimate point of connection between nature and reason, this is the only link where nature invades the mind, it, therefore, is the most excellent among all natural. G. Fichte

--- (Love) Eros is the most interesting and most excusable of all human weaknesses. C. Dickens

What wedge, what hammer can compare with the power (love) of the filia? Nothing can resist her. G. Toro

--- (Love) Eros often takes the mind away from the one who has it ... D. Diderot

(Great love) Filia is inseparable with a deep mind. I.A.Goncharov

--- All conquers (love) agape, let us submit to her power. Virgil

I deny the regal place that is given (to love) by Eros in life, and I deny (her) his autocratic power ... A.I. Herzen

--- "From (love) mania there is a pestilence, darkness, darkness and shame", - Stendhal quotes in his novel "Red and Black" words from the Armorial of Love.

(Love) Agape is the creator of all that is good, sublime, strong, warm and light. F.E.Dzerzhinsky

--- (Love) Eros can change a person beyond recognition. Terence

Only (love) philia makes a person himself. Plato.

--- Tell me, where, when was the happy (true love) mania, ludus? W. Shakespeare

Happy is only the one who owns (love) Philia. I. Goethe.

--- (Love) Mania is tragic in this world and does not allow improvement, does not obey any norms. (Love) Mania promises (loving) sufferers death in this world, not the order of life. And the greatest thing in (love) agape, that which preserves its mysterious holiness, is the renunciation of any life perspective, the sacrifice of life. This sacrifice is required by all creativity, sacrifice and creative (love) agape requires. Life improvement, family improvement is the grave of (love) mania. Sacrificial death in life and puts the stamp of eternity on (love) mania. (Love) Mania is closer, more intimate, deeper connected with death than with birth, and this connection, guessed by the poets of (love) mania, is a guarantee of its eternity. The deep opposite of (love) mania and childbirth". N. Berdyaev

(Love) Eros is a two-fold feeling, (she) he does not exist without physical attraction, children of procreation. Spiritual (love) agape ("platonic") cannot be recognized as "true", since it does not allow the opposition of spirit to body: a person is whole, spiritually - bodily. (Love) Agape spiritual does not have and cannot have any real business behind it; it is beyond will and movement. V.S. Soloviev

One respected French Nobel laureate: "Jean-Paul Sartre viewed (love) mania as a fragile, extremely fragile and deceiving feeling, fraught with debilitating conflicts." Doctor of Philosophy G. Ya. Streltsova

The phenomenon of love in traditional society: the institution of the family, love as a sacred ritual. G. Ya. Streltsova

One of the chapters of his famous book "Being and Nothing" is called "(Love) Eros is a conflict" .

Mistake dear Jean-Paul, the conflict is not filia (true love), but mania, ludus, eros (poor quality of love).

Psychotypical conflicts are doomed to conflict after the end of eros (natural falling in love).

Conflict relations conflict

But most of all, people with a low level of psychological health are prone to conflicts in amorous relationships.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

If we biasedly analyze the famous saying Sartre “Hell is different”, we can reasonably assume that his psychological health was not at the highest level.

Another respected Frenchman: Frederic Beigbeder wrote the novel "(Love) Eros lives for three years." After three years of marriage, his hero, Marc Maronier, passionately (falls in love) experiences a new cycle of eros and everything starts anew .

So it is scientifically confirmed ( Helen Fisher) that eros (natural love) lives for three years. But filia (true love as the highest form of value relationships) not only lives to the end of the century, but also becomes stronger and more fruitful over the years. And there are many examples of this:

Examples of true love.

As a result, there are many people who have repeatedly experienced stormy, exciting, dramatic (falling in love) eros, which, as they should be, quickly passed disappointedly asserting: "There is no (love)."

Singer Natalya Nurmukhametova was married 9 times. And every time she thought that this is true love and marriage will last until the end of her life.


Other times have come. You are not there, then you lie without frowning.
I understood, (love) eros is a country where every person is a pretender ...
(Love) Eros is a deceiving country, and every inhabitant in it is a deceiver ...
Wrong country - (love) eros, here every person is a traitor".

and pop pop are built on amorous - erotic experiences and sufferings.

If you stop loving me, I will die that very evening ...
I didn't know that (love) mania can be so cruel
And The Heart Is So Lonely.
F. Kirkorov

Dear Philip Bedrosovich (love), philia cannot be cruel, there is no, and cannot be, deception and betrayal, but mania is always dramatic and cruel, deceptive, although there are bursts of charming, hopeful euphoria in it. The songs of F. Kirkorov, like other pop singers, are about eros (falling in love) or mania, ludos (low-quality falling in love), but unfortunately they are not about filia (true love).

And it remains only to envy the ancient Greeks, since it was much easier for them to understand their amorous - erotic relationships, this led to fewer dramas and tragedies.

Let's consider several phrases of the most famous Russian researchers (love) of amorous and erotic instincts of the second half of the twentieth century.

D. Philos. Vadim Markovich Rozin: “I foresee the reader's question: can we say something about family and (love) that would not have been said by ancient thinkers or modern scientists?”

New European idea of love. V.M. Rosin

You can. And this has already been stated above: “Let us first implement the subjectization (of love) of all amorous - romantic inclinations into separate independent manifestations.

Let's learn how to (love) live in harmony with our smaller brothers: gray geese and animals. After all, the Nobel laureate Konrad Lorenz used the term "love" to describe the relationship of gray geese: "(Love) Filia and sex "Exist separately in the life of the goose. When combined, they reliably bind a pair, but quite often they are observed independently of each other".

This can be formulated differently as follows: let's divide amorous - erotic drives into phylogenetic and ontogenetic factors.

American psychologist Harry Harlow revealed that in monkeys (rhesus monkeys) "love", that is, individual, selective, emotional attachment, is not a single, unchanging state, but includes at least five autonomous "affective systems" ... None of these systems is reducible to the other and does not follow from it.
Monkeys have learned to share independent "affective systems" in a large family of (love) erotic drives, let's do this for humans, because we already have all the initial data for this.

V. Rozin named one of the chapters of his book "Love and Sexuality in Culture, Family and Views on Sex Education" " Is it possible to build a modern family on love? ":
“Why do disappointments and conflicts often begin in a young family, and why do feelings weaken? The fact is that, in addition to romantic reality, a person has formed many others: for example, ideas about family life, about good and evil, about what should and should not be done, etc. If the romantic reality is not consistent with the rest of the realities of the individual (and in our time it often happens), then there is a mutual blockage of desires, they are not realized. Where this leads is understandable. The development of such a process can go so far that the original, romantic reality or its concrete embodiment in this image of the beloved disintegrates, collapses. This is the phenomenon of the dying of love".

Again confusion of (love) filia with (in love) eros. Using the term "love" in the question in V. Rozin's reasoning is already switching to "romantic reality", and this is eros (falling in love), but it is fleeting. In the relationship, initially there was no philia (love), something that does not die cannot die.

Therefore, to the question "Is it possible to build a modern family on love?": correct answer - you can.

Examples of true love.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.

D. philol. n. Sergei Grigorievich Vorkachev : “... semantic features in the aggregate of their textual implementation make up about a third of the total number of conceptual descriptions (of love) of amorous and erotic attractions in Russian poetry. The nature of the remaining signs brings to mind the words of Helvetius: "The essence of (love) mania is never to be happy." Indeed, most of the semantic features verbalized in Russian poetry are associated with the “flip side” of this high feeling: physical and spiritual suffering, mental disorder, deception and disappointment, ephemerality and illusoryness - indeed “of all the arguments against (love) amorous - erotic experiences ... the appeal is especially close: “Caution! You will suffer ”(Lewis).

In this statement of a famous philologist, we highlight two points:

- the essence of amorous - erotic drives in Russian poetry is mostly associated with physical and spiritual suffering. Z. Freud called it "poetic freelance", and marketers realized that it is this kind of emotional drama that is best sold, and therefore for several centuries they have been using it in the most shameless way.

"Romantic love": aspects, analysis and consequences. E Pushkarev.

- physical and spiritual suffering is not the flip side of a high feeling, it is a substantial part and the main signs of love addiction. Despite the fact that this is a curable mental disorder, by its very painful nature it cannot have a connection with high feelings.

Let me remind you once again that (love) philia is a fruitful form of relationship not only to another, but also to oneself, and suffering is a phenomenon that does not have points of psychological contact with each other . And the fact that semantic features in their textual implementation do not notice this is a mistake.

Vladimir Lvovich Levi - writer, poet, artist, musician, doctor of medical sciences, doctor of psychological sciences, author of scientific works and popular books on psychology and medicine, psychotherapist with many years of experience.

“1. DISEASE BY THE NAME (LOVE) ALSO, I KNOW BY ITSELF..." From the book" Traumatology of Love ". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

V. Levy pays a lot of attention in his interesting books to the consideration of amorous and erotic topics both on the concrete subject and on the semantic levels. He considers (love) eros as a blind attraction, and this attraction in most cases is not mutual. Lack of reciprocity is a distressing factor. (Love) Eros visits a person suddenly, he most often does not depend on the will of the person experiencing this state, or on the will of the person for whom (love) eros is tested. In his understanding (love), eros is the Gift of God.

He compares (love) eros with the strongest natural drug, "which we always carry with us, but which can only be taken together." A well-studied drug - a "hormonal cocktail", both in terms of time of action and across the entire spectrum of mental aberrations is love - eros.

And it would be more correct to call love a medicine for the soul and a natural psychoactive harmonizer. Even Plato, twenty-four centuries ago, explained that love is needed to heal the flaws of human nature, to replace them, this is "the thirst for integrity and the striving for it." And at the end of the twentieth century, this was scientifically confirmed using sophisticated instruments, neurobiological studies and tests.

Unfortunately, in his views on amorous - erotic relations, the poet and lyricist of the scientist won in him. He does not help directly unravel the tangle of love problems, but gives highly moral advice on how to live in an atmosphere of delusion.

Unrequited love is as different from mutual love as delusion is from truth.
J. Sand.

K.psx.n. Leonid Yakovlevich Gozman: “The observation method made it possible to ascertain the existence of clear behavioral correlates (love) of eros. In the course of laboratory studies, this manifested itself in a different structure of communication (lovers) experiencing eros in comparison with the subjects who are not bound by this feeling. (Lovers) experiencing eros talk to each other twice as much and spend eight times more time looking each other in the eyes.

Taking this opportunity, I would like to emphasize once again that (falling in love) eros has nothing to do with (love) filia. This means that lovers are experiencing (love) philia, and lovers are experiencing (being in love) with correlates, which is the insatiability of looking into each other's eyes and the frequency of conversations.

K. Philological Sciences, Sociologist Yuri Borisovich Ryurikov notes the “double optics of love”: “The eyes (of love) of filia see such depths in her beloved that she sometimes does not know about and himself. (Love) Filia highlights in him the embryos of his good properties, their sprouts, which can bloom and make a person what the embellishing eyes of (love) of eros see him as. That is why (love) the whole family of amorous - erotic drives is at the same time a feeling-illusion (eros), a feeling-deception (mania), and a feeling-foresight (pragma), a feeling-forecast (pragma) - a feeling that sees a person in its capabilities ”. oxytocin

This phenomenon was even called by a special term "vision aberration", and biochemists have revealed that it is caused by the synthesis of a whole "hormonal cocktail": dopamine, phenylethylamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, oxytocin, etc.

Second statement:

“Perhaps (love) eros is the only feeling in the world that - at least for the duration of its glow - removes all barriers between a man and a woman. Therefore, love is, as it were, a solution to the riddle of sex, but not verbal, “theoretical”, but heartfelt, “practical” - through feelings, behavior, and attitude towards each other".

When a couple experiences feelings that are called "glowing", "vision aberration", it is natural love . One of the hormones - oxytocin, from the composition of the "hormonal cocktail" was even given the name "hug hormone". He enters the blood in increased quantities when lovers touch, stroke, embrace tenderly. It evokes a sense of community, the phenomenon of "disappearance of the boundaries of the body" arises - the body of the beloved is perceived as part of her own.

Third statement:

“The definition, which would be a more or less true mirror of love, must, apparently, be super-multi-link - equal to the super-multi-link of love. It should include a very large and complex interweaving of thoughts, each of which captures one of the many rays of this feeling, and all together, in unity, absorb the entire sheaf of these rays - all their overflows into each other - in their indissoluble integrity".

It is not love that is supermulti-linked, but the whole family of amorous - erotic drives,

and the basic definition of love was given by E. Fromm:

“Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It implies care, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop. This is a manifestation of closeness between two human beings, provided that the integrity of each of them is preserved".

back in 1947, i.e. a few years before you Yuri Borisovich wrote your interesting books.

Fourth statement:

“And really, where is now, in the last third of the XX century, such love as before? Where is the love of Leandre, who swam across the Hellespont every day to see Gero? Where is the feat-love of Petrarch, the tragic love of Werther, the great self-denial of the Chevalier des Grieux, the love-suffering of Anna Karenina, the blazing love of Mayakovsky? " And all because the passions you listed at the end of the twentieth century were recognized as mental disorders - addictions and are successfully treated. And first of all, what needs to be done is to remove this pathology from the school curriculum. There should not be psychiatric practice as an example in school textbooks.

Psychiatric confusion with love at school. E. Pushkarev

And we wish that such obsessions would never happen to anyone else.

Unfortunately, the love that is sung in literary sources and is a role model is precisely love addiction. The stories of Romeo and Juliet, Petrarch and Laura, Jose and Carmen, Anna Karenina and Vronsky and other excellent descriptions of such relationships show people exactly what true love should be. Full of suffering and anxiety, obstacles and humiliation, most likely without prospects and flowing like sand. The vast majority of love songs are about addictive relationships. The series, in which the heroes overcome almost impossible obstacles, suffer from bullying and betrayal, and in the end get what they want, praise the love addiction. People from childhood are brought up on such examples, forming a stereotype that true love can and should be unhappy and full of suffering.
K.psychol. A.L. Fedosov, Institute of Psychology. G.S. Kostyuk APN Ukraine

D. Philos. Igor Semenovich Kon identifies six types (love) of amorous - erotic relationships:
- (erotic love, love-passion) eros, characterized by high intensity of feeling, physical contact, unity with a partner;
- (hedonistic love) ludus acting as pleasure, play, flirting;
- (love-friendship) filia - calm, warm and reliable;
- (pragmatic love - intellectual love, by calculation, love that realizes the modus "to have") pragma - improving the material conditions of existence, raising the status, etc .;
- (selfless love - love-self-giving, altruistic love) agape;
- (love-mania - irrational love-obsession) mania - characterized by the desire for total possession of a partner.

Classification I.S. Kona is another confirmation of the saying “everything is new, well forgotten, old”. After all, before him, the ancient Greeks several thousand years ago not only distinguished exactly the same types of amorous - erotic behavior, but so that there was no confusion in the ancient Greek culture, they designated them with different terms.


If we undertake to analyze for the subject of love - pseudo-love huge mountains of amorous - erotic literature, which were written in the entire history of mankind, then first we need to conduct a modern psychological - psychiatric examination. It will not be possible to pass such masterpieces as Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, Othello, poor Karamzin's Liza, Goethe's Werther, Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, Kuprinsky Zheltkov, and real people with their feelings, experiences and works: Dante, Petrarch, Blok, Mayakovsky as they get under the diagnosis "disorders of habits and impulses" - non-chemical forms of addictive behavior - love addiction.

Soviet poet David Samoilov: “The one who loves more, that is more painful, more painful, burning, more painful, does not necessarily love more. Love is the greater, the larger the scale of the personality is drawn into its circle. Dante's love is great, Werther's is strong".

"Great", "strong" is the degree of the disorder, which determines whether a cure is possible or not. Moliere's Don Juan belongs to the same type of disorder, but he already has sexual addiction. If these disorders are not in a very advanced form, they can be cured by modern psychotherapy.

Criteria for distinguishing between love and addiction. S. Peel, A. Brodsky

Love and sexual addictions. A. Egorov

Detection tests:
love addiction according to Egorov;
of Sexual Addiction by P. Carnes.

Most of the remaining amorous - erotic literature is natural love - "affective attractions". Affectus (lat.) - emotional excitement, passion. Attraction (English) emotional attraction between people, partial, temporary deviation from the norm, endogenous intoxication.

“The most striking mental states experienced by a lover include:
- obsessive thoughts about the object of falling in love (OB, desired person);
- an acute need for reciprocal feelings on the part of OV;
- euphoria or high spirits in the presence of reciprocity;
- feelings, thoughts and actions are focused on OB to such an extent that other concerns (even very important ones) are ignored or neglected;
is a strong, almost delusional bias that distorts the perception of OS in love: this bias, as it were, increases the severity and importance of the positive qualities of OS, while minimizing negative features of OS, referring them to neutral or even positive;
- sex drive for OS
- a reliable correlation between the state of falling in love and drug intoxication has been revealed.
Falling in love is a psychophysiological phenomenon that arose in the course of evolution to provide a temporary bond of a couple in order to facilitate the conception of children and their feeding for the first few months or years of life.
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov "Love and Limerence".

Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega y Gasset called falling in love "an abnormal state of attention that is manifested in a normal person."
He singled out one more sign of falling in love: "... pure voluptuousness goes ahead of its object."

Another part of the literature does not correspond to the theme of "love" and will be eliminated, since the leading attraction in the relations of the heroes is lust.

Philosopher P.A. Sorokin about Artsybashev is "the most straightforward inventor of" couch-sofa "love." PA Sorokin also criticizes such recognized masters of poetry as Bryusov, Sologub, Gippius, Balmont, Gorodetsky, Severyanin and Akhmatova. "Physiology is the foundation and outline, while psychic hovers, tears, groans, sighs, laughter, despair and hope, etc. - all these are just" patterns ", only architectural decorations on the building of love, created from physiological bricks."

Unrestrained artistic description of "patterns", "architectural decorations on the building of love", "physiological bricks" led:

"The concept of love is being replaced by other concepts, and in general, many representatives of postmodernism speak not so much about the feeling of love, considering this phenomenon in the context of a genuine and inauthentic state, as about the substitution of the discourse of love. discourse of sexuality ". D. Philos. O. I. Nikolina

Therefore, the term "love" to the above pathologies and nonspecific mental and physical conditions is in no way applicable. And if now the frequency dictionaries of modern languages indicate that "love" is one of the most used words, both in literature and in pop culture, then after a psychological and linguistic analysis of books about love, a small shelf will remain. This is more bad than good, but this is a reality that needs to be realized and accepted in order to protect love from something similar to it. And to begin to correct the centuries-old heaps and delusions that have been created so long and talentedly around love.

For the past two hundred years, there has been a lot of talk about love stories and very little about love.
Jose Ortega y Gasset

And if we also conduct a rating study of the small number of literary works that describe love.

In the first place will be L.N. Tolstoy "War and Peace" relationship and family of Pierre Bezukhov and Natasha Rostova . The value of this work is not only in the extremely detailed, down to the smallest detail, description of true love in marriage, but also in the way people must go in order to wander it. L.N. Tolstoy described with documentary accuracy three significant falls in love between Natasha Rostova and Boris Drubetsky, Andrei Bolkonsky, Anatol Kuragin. Pierre's intense love and marriage to Helene.

In second place, again, L.N. Tolstoy's novel "Anna Karenina", Kitty and Levin. But Anna Karenina herself was not lucky, she had an extremely difficult love addiction.

In third place is NV Gogol "Old World Landowners" relations and the family of Afanasy Ivanovich Tovstogub and his wife Pulcheria Ivanovna.

I believe that enough examples and arguments have been given in favor of the fact that our life will be significantly simplified, become more harmonious, long and happy, if modern scientific research is taken into account in the culture of love, which makes it possible to distinguish love from a variety of pseudo-loves, and even more so from love addictions.

E Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is a page from the section Ecology of love.

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Drama of love. E. Pushkarev

The religion of love. R. Precht

Fucked up and hypersexual. R. Precht

The concept of "love". E. Pushkarev

Psychiatric confusion with love at school. E. Pushkarev

"Romantic love": aspects, analysis and consequences. E. Pushkarev

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." nearly 1500 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.

Эрих Фромм

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми