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"Romantic love": aspects, analysis and consequences. E Pushkarev

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Romance is the idea of how to endlessly prolong falling in love, conserve attraction and call it all "love" even when it does not work very well - we experience love relationships without this romantic connotation as just a relationship, but not as sexual love.
Richard David Precht is a philosopher and writer "The Religion of Love".

Romeo and Juliet

Our site has gradually accumulated so much material about "romantic love" that you can compose a whole encyclopedia. The authors are all highly qualified professionals: psychologists, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, philosophers, sociologists, sexologists with Christian and other specializations allow us to consider this difficult phenomenon from all sides. Sufficient material for analysis and conclusions.

Contents of the article.

1. How did "romantic love" begin?

2. Moral - sexual aspects of "romantic love".

3. Transformation of "romantic love" by the end of the II millennium.

4. Psychology - Psychiatric aspects of "romantic love".

5. The consequences of the transformation of "romantic love" into a religion.

6. Conclusions.

1. How did "romantic love" begin.

F. Engels wrote in "The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State" that "romantic love" was unknown to either the Greeks or the Romans: they had eros, that is, a sex drive, more or less spiritualized. To satisfy him, it was not at all necessary to seek reciprocity; in fact, reciprocity did not matter much for ancient man - the very fact of possession was important. "Romantic love" is a Renaissance or Renaissance acquisition. (beginning of XIV - end of XVI century)

Romantic love comes from the word "romance", which was first used in the 16th century. English literary critic D. Patenham. At first, the word "novel" was used to refer to any poetry written in the Romance language, not Latin. Subsequently, it began to be called prose works with a love theme.

Therefore, romantic love is a cultural invention, not a natural phenomenon, it is a learned feeling, amorous - psychological patterns that slowly and continuously changed. It should be noted that "romantic love" is not a rootless Cinderella, she had a "grandmother" - "courtly love". At that distant time it was called Fin ”amor - refined love. In modern times, she was given a different name court love or court love in Russian.
“According to the laws of courtly love, every knight agreed to obey his lady in everything that relates to love, affection, manners and taste. In this area, she was his mistress, his queen. "

"What is love, what is romance and what is the difference between them." Robert A. Johnson.

More details: " Courtly love." O. Smolitskaya

Courtly love undergoes a series of transformations: “In its classical form, among the Provençals, knightly love rushes in full sail to violate marital fidelity, and its poets sing this praise. <...> They depict in bright colors how a knight lies in bed with his beauty, another's wife, and outside there is a guard who announces to him the first signs of the approaching dawn so that he can slip away unnoticed; then comes the parting scene - the culminating point of the song. " F. Engels

“Never before has the creation of poetic thought been able to influence the feelings, behavior of people and the relationship between men and women as deeply as love invented by the West was able to do. Since the 12th century, love has been tirelessly glorified, glorified and idealized, it inflamed desires and hearts, it transformed the way of life and actions of men and women and provided food for their wildest dreams. With the rise of the love-passion rhetoric, not only has a new form of gender relations emerged - it has also created one of the most bizarre incarnations of the spirit of adventure in the modern West. ”
Professor of Philosophy J. Lipovetsky

She talks about love. J. Lipovetsky.

"Romantic love" arises, develops, its rise or fall depends on the amount of idle opportunities of certain strata of society and information carriers (oral folklore, books, theatrical performances, the media), which are designed to fill an idle life with intellectual and emotional content. "Love, love, there is no point in the rest." J. Lafontaine

Love is the business of loafers.
Diogenes

Love for an idle person is an occupation, for a warrior - entertainment, for a sovereign - a pitfall.
Napoleon I

If at the very beginning of the emergence of ritual forms of amorous behavior (11th century) seniors patronized poets and acted as customers of knightly novels. For example, by order of Count Philippe of Flanders, Chrétien de Troyes wrote the novel "Perceval", commissioned by Maria Champagne - "Lancelot, or Knight of the Cart". At the court of the same Mary of Champagne and, possibly, by her order, Andrei Capellan's treatise "On Love" was written. Subsequently, when the reader was accustomed to such products, it turned into a profitable business, especially these days.

And for those who are interested in the deeper roots of love, including "romantic love" - "History of the culture of love feelings". E. Pushkarev

- V.P. Shestakov Doctor of Philosophy, Professor, "Theory of romantic love in the 18th-19th centuries":

“The philosophy and literature of the romantics has created a special concept of love known as“ romantic love ”. Romantic love is something ideal, sublime, eternal. Romantic literature and poetry created a real cult of love as the highest, almost mystical value, towering above all earthly conventions.

However, romantic love, as a spiritual and mystical affinity, knows no boundaries and marriage, the real relationship of people for it is not a prerequisite and criterion for the full value of moral feelings.

The theory of romantic love developed in the direction of mysticism. This is evidenced, for example, by the works of the German religious philosopher Franz Baader, author of Theses of Erotic Philosophy (1828) and Forty Theses of Religious Erotica (1831). In these works, a kind of synthesis of eroticism and mysticism, eros and agape is outlined. "Religion and love," writes Baader, "which are closely related to each other, undoubtedly, are the highest gifts of life, when used wisely, they determine the happiness of such, and when used irrationally for evil, they bring misfortune to both the individual and the society of people."

The concept of "romantic love" usually includes a constant striving for the perfect ideal, a state of constant love, mystical worship of the female principle. To a large extent, this understanding of love was created by romantic poetry, especially English poetry, which created the cult of ideal, sublime love. "

Romantic love reveals a special structure of feelings that arise between partners. After all, the relationships that arise in the novel are full of experiences and events. This increased intensity of feelings makes romantic love stand out from the background of everyday life, daily activities. The novel reveals the sequence of the emergence, development and termination of this love as parting, often dramatic, often as tragic.

“Immediately after the Great French Revolution (late 18th century), the idea arose that marriage should be the result of romantic love. Now, especially in English-speaking countries, this idea is taken for granted, and many do not even suspect that it was once revolutionary. "
Bertrand Russell. Nobel Prize Laureate. 1929

Romantic love flourished in the 19th century.
By this time:
... love is a monstrous contradiction, insoluble for reason.
G. Hegel (1770 - 1831)

K. Philos. O. Otradnova: "Romanticism (early 19th century) idealizes, cultivates love and equates it with religion, a mystical theory of love arises."

Club: By the end of the 19th century, a cult of love is already being created -
"Literature has played a huge role in the love cult." M.O. Menshikov. :

"Acting for centuries on the unstable brains of average people, a love story corrupts the sexual feeling more than any other influence."

“We are all now reveling in love stories, but, I repeat, there will be a time when the purest story of the feelings of a lover, even as graceful as Werther, will seem as out of place as a story about digestion and its upset. describe in clinical journals how diseases are now described, because sexual love is a typical "growing pain", where, instead of acute physical pain in paroxysms, there is acute pleasure. interesting dissertation ".

The 19th century philosopher turned out to be right, now in medical schools such diseases as love and sexual addiction are studied. They have been included in ICD10 for several decades, but not all patients know about it.

Love addiction is a type of additive behavior with fixation on one person, perceived as passionate love. This behavioral disorder leads to the impossibility of starting a family or destroys the family, to conflicts, crimes, suicide, psychosomatic and neurotic disorders. Patients with this disorder rarely seek psychological and medical help due to the low publicity of this disorder. Therefore, it is very important for the prevention of love addiction to inform the population about this disease and the differences between normal love and love addiction.
Candidate of Medical Sciences, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychiatry S. I. Voroshilin

Until the middle of the twentieth century, "romantic love" was the lot of only high society, and later it took possession of the masses, while constantly undergoing transformations, increasingly moving away from their initial forms.

In Pushkin's "Eugene Onegin" (first third of the 19th century), Tatiana, before writing a letter to Eugene, being in great excitement, asks the nanny.

...- "Tell me, nanny,
About your old years:
Were you in love then?
- And that's enough, Tanya! These summers
We Have Not Heard About Love;
Otherwise I would have driven out of the world
My deceased mother-in-law.
"But how did you get married, nanny?"
- So, apparently, God ordered ...
If for Tatyana falling in love is a self-evident phenomenon, through her she is going to equip her life, then the commoner nanny, her youth, which passed several decades earlier, refers to falling in love as an incomprehensible, unacceptable exotic.

"In the United States, where the romantic view of marriage, unlike other countries, has been taken seriously and where laws and customs are based on the sentimental dreams of spinsters, divorce is rampant and happy marriages are extremely rare."
Bertrand Russell. Nobel Prize Laureate. 1929

More details: Romantic love. B. Russell

Love is so distorted, profaned and vulgarized in fallen human life that it has become almost impossible to pronounce the words of love, new words must be found.
N. Berdyaev

We can say that one of Freud's main projects is precisely the deconstruction of romantic love, the demonstration that it is not what we think it is, the exposure of its most slippery aspects, its forbidden objects of its incestuous undercurrents.
Psychoanalyst S. Michell , Psychoanalysis and the Degradation of Romantic Love.

Here is E. Fromm about the same: “Over the course of the last few generations, the concept of romantic love has become universal in the Western world. In the United States ... most people are looking for romantic love, a personal experience of it, which should then lead to marriage. "

The North American Indians did not know "romantic love". The Europeans, having conquered them, partly exterminated them, partly locked them in reservations, and partly accepted them into their society. And now, already in the third generation, a purebred but assimilated Indian who grew up among whites, went to their school, and then to college or university, falls in love just like his conquerors. He easily assimilates new emotional passions unknown to his grandparents.

Constance Arons; sociology professor, psychiatrist: "Over time, in the fifties, the romantic love note in marriage becomes the main - the cornerstone of our relationship to family life."

But it starts almost immediately:

- "The tyranny of love and sex, as well as the ability of eros to explode and suppress all other manifestations is, on the one hand, evidence of the extreme degradation and demonism of human existence, on the other hand, the potential possibility, in one way or another, in one way or another, to destroy the isolation of limited individual existence." Traditionalist philosopher Y. Evola: "The Metaphysics of Sex" (1958)

- Morgan Scott Peck psychiatrist, lieutenant colonel, military psychologist, "The myth of romantic love" :

“In essence, the myth of romantic love convinces us that for every young man in the world there is somewhere a young woman“ meant for him, ”and vice versa. Moreover, the myth claims that there is only one man, intended for each individual woman, as well as for each man, his only woman corresponds, and all this is predetermined "from above". If there are two destined for each other, then it can be seen immediately: they fall in love with each other. And so we meet the one who is prepared for us by heaven, and, since our union is perfect, we satisfy all mutual needs constantly and until the end of days, and therefore we live happily, in complete harmony and harmony. If it happens that we cease to satisfy each other, friction arises and we stop loving each other - well, there was, obviously, a terrible mistake, we misread the instructions of heaven, we are not a perfect couple, but what we took for love, it was not real love, and nothing can be done about it, it remains to drag out an unhappy life to the end. Or divorce.

If I usually admit that great myths are great precisely because they represent and embody great universal truths (I will consider several such myths in this book), then I consider the myth of romantic love a monstrous lie.

But even in those cases when the spouses realize and admit that the honeymoon is over and that they are no longer in love so romantically, but are still capable of sacrificing themselves and maintaining mutual fidelity, even then they cling to the myth and try to reconcile their lives with it. They reason like this: "Even if we have stopped loving each other, but we will purely consciously act as if we are still in love, then perhaps our old love will return to us again." Such couples value their consent very much. When they participate in group therapy sessions for married couples (in this form, my wife and I, as well as colleagues close to us provide the most serious advice to married couples), they sit together, answer for each other, shield each other and in relation to the group keep a united front, believing that such unity is a sign of the relative health of their family and a prerequisite for further improving relations.

... that the heart of a psychiatrist is almost daily constricted in pain at the sight of the excruciating delusions and suffering generated by this myth. Millions of people spend a lot of energy desperately and hopelessly trying to reconcile the reality of their lives with the unreality of myth. "

D.psh.n. EP Ilyin "The Psychology of Love" in the chapter "Myths about romantic love" describes 9 myths on which it is based. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Poets and writers tirelessly working towards the end of the twentieth century, "romantic love" is already turning into a religion.

Robert Alex Johnson, Doctor of Psychology (Jungian Approach), describes romantic love as a psychological complex, a combination of beliefs, ideals, attitudes and expectations. The purpose of this love is not to love someone, but to be in love:

"What is love, what is romance and what is the difference between them."

“One of the basic needs of a modern person is to learn to distinguish between earthly love, which is the basis of any relationship, and romantic love".

"One of the greatest paradoxes of romantic love is that it has nothing to do with earthly relationships."

"Romantic love, following its paradoxical nature, constantly fools us."

"Love has already been turned into a religion. Human love is so darkened by the excessive suffering and experiences of romanticism that we are deprived of the opportunity to treat it the way it deserves."

"Until now, romanticism remains a true religion: we continue to bring the divine world into the world of earthly people, whom we fall in love with. And any psychologist who claims that there is no place for the divine world in romanticism will cause irritation and will be accused, if not of heresy, then surely that spoils the mood of people. "

"Love will not suffer if it is freed from the system of romantic beliefs. The prestige of love will only be strengthened if it is distinguished from romance."

“People are so tired of the repetitive plots and the tragic ending of romantic love that they start to doubt whether something called 'love' exists at all.

“For us Westerners, who have absorbed a romantic liquor with our mother's milk, Belorukaya Isolde (a symbol of earthly love) seems to be a secondary figure. and the Beautiful Isolde. "

“In romantic love, friendship is impossible. Romanticism and friendship are absolutely opposite forces in their nature and motives. Sometimes people say, "I don't want to become a friend to my husband (wife), because friendship will destroy all the romance of our marriage." This is true: friendship stops artificial drama and removes passion and intensity from relationships, but it also removes egoism from relationships, replacing drama with something humane and earthly. "

"Love is different from the expectations that my culture has brought me to, from the desires of my ego, from the sentimental theme and the devastating passions that I was taught to dream about. But love turns out to be reality, it becomes what I am, and not that what my Ego demands. "

“One of the great paradoxes of romantic love is that it has nothing to do with earthly relationships — it retains romantic ecstasy. It engenders dramas, risky adventures, mysteries, passionate love, jealousy, and betrayal. Thus, a person does not manage to enter into a real relationship with ordinary people of flesh and blood until the ecstasy of romantic love ends, that is, until "falling in love" passes and love comes. "

“We don't like everything“ simple ”. We have forgotten that simplicity is the first necessity of human life. The art of living is to find meaning and joy in small, natural and not too dramatic events. The highest degree of such art is to have a consciousness capable of recognizing the simple reality of life through the intricacies we have invented. "

“It is no coincidence that all romantic literature, from Tristan and Isolde to Romeo and Juliet and further down to modern novels, is filled with suffering and death. It seems that the very essence of the novel requires special conditions for its development: incredible and strange events, insurmountable obstacles and inhuman enmity. Faced with the impossibility of romantic love in the real world, many archetypal lovers, like Romeo and Juliet, choose to die at the same time. "

“Romantic relationships are closed in a vicious circle: we fall in love, find our ideal, but after a while bitter disappointment comes. Then we suffer. We follow our projections in a constant search for someone to replace a nonexistent ideal and perform a magical transformation. Not finding the divine peace where we were looking - in earthly life, we suffer and fall into despair. "

“Sometimes people say:“ Don't make me destroy my illusions, otherwise I will have nothing left! ” It seems to us that love is "the work of human hands", as if we invent and invent at our own will. "

“The flaw in romantic love is not that we love ourselves, but that we do it the wrong way. Trying to worship the unconscious through romantic projections on others, we do not notice the reality hidden behind these projections. We do not see the obvious fact that we are looking for ourselves. "

“... romanticism is not yet love, but is a form of egoism, since it is directed not at another person, but at passion, at expectations and fantasies, projections and expectations. And this is love for oneself, not love for another person. "

“Earthly love sees a person in another person and builds individual relationships with him. Romantic love sees in him only a performer of a role in a well-known drama. Earthly love allows a man to see a full-fledged and independent personality in a woman and provide her with the necessary support so that she remains herself. Romantic love is constantly repeating what a woman should be like from the point of view of romanticism - identical to anime. While a man is in the grip of romantic love, he supports the woman only as long as she seeks to change in order to reflect the ideal projected by him. Romanticism never brings happiness in relationships with other people, as they are. "

“Earthly love certainly includes friendship: friendship in partnership, in marriage, friendship between a man and a woman. If a man and a woman are true friends, they know all the weaknesses and weaknesses of each other. They are more determined to help their partner and enjoy their beloved than to seek out flaws and failures from him. "

“True friends - they want to support, not judge, they do not indulge our weaknesses, but they never concentrate on our shortcomings. In difficult times, friends lend each other a shoulder, help to overcome life's adversities and cope with current worries. They never approach each other with an overestimated standard, they do not seek ideal and perfection, and while helping, they do not spoil each other's life with mutual claims. "

And other researchers of love also compare love with religiosity: “Many people today talk about love and family the way they talked about God in the past centuries. Striving for deliverance and tenderness, attempts to find the mystery of desire in the empty lyrics of hits - all this breathes with everyday religiosity, hope for the otherworldly in the phenomena of this world. " Sociologist Ulrich Beck

According to psychologist Clark Moustakas, romantic love does not carry the full completeness of a human relationship, he notes that such love is honest, but not genuine: “Love that passes the test of time, crisis and change, and continues to exist - this is true love. Temporary, honest relationships are valuable, but relationships that deepen into friendship and become a true meeting of individuals have incomparable, enduring value. "

Love in modern culture and upbringing is replaced by examples of exotic properties and thus acquires an alienated, transformed form imposed on the consumer. Eroticism, as a simulation of love in such forms as the courtship ceremony, the seduction of mystery, the curiosity of the riddle, supplants love.
D.philos.n O.I. Nikolina "The Phenomenon of Love in Human Being"

Club: Having turned into a religion, "romantic love" charmed not only poets, writers and broad philistine circles, but also Christian (non-Orthodox) preachers - Christian psychotherapists, sexologists E. Whit, G. Patkins
"Romantic love is a delightful factor" :

“- Ask the Lord to give you a sentimental, romantic, physical feeling of love for your husband? The Lord will do it! The love of God in us can change the quality of love for our husbands. Husbands also need to remember that first feeling when they were in love with their future wives.

As Christians, we can be sure that romantic love is as old as the world because it appeared in the Garden of Eden when the first man and first woman looked at each other. We must understand that it was the Creator who endowed us with the ability for strong and passionate emotions that lovers experience. It is clear that God wanted our sensory faculties to reach full development and unity in marriage.

One book in the Bible, the Song of Solomon, is all about romantic love in marriage, giving us the perfect role model. In speaking of the five types of love in marriage, I hope you remember that they are all given by God and represent different aspects, not different degrees of love. You can't laugh at it and can't ignore it. Every manifestation of love between a husband and wife longs for a reciprocal feeling, and there is nothing wrong with that. Agape love is the most selfless expression of love, but it does not have the exclusive right to constant selfless service. "

And here is what the Orthodox psychologist and psychotherapist M.I. Zavalov:
“However, today a person lives under the yoke of a new romantic tyranny: in order to get married, you need to fall in love, and then preserve this feeling for the rest of your life. And if the feeling ends, then "love" has passed and it is necessary to look for a new partner. However, this task is achievable only in novels and films for women, and in real life it is absolutely impossible.
There is one more factor that supports the cult of such "love" - it is money. "Love" is used for advertising and marketing, it provides themes for engaging movies and fiction, and the contraceptive and abortion industries work for it. Advertising, in its essence, is built on the dissatisfaction of desires, therefore, it is beneficial for the priests of money to maintain attractive, but unrealizable illusions. So the cult of "love" and the cult of mammon are often intertwined, as is the consumer holiday - Valentine's Day ”.

More details: "Is romantic love an idol or an icon?" M. Zavalov

- V.M. Rozin, Doctor of Philosophy - "Towards the distinction between love and sexuality (from romantic love to" creative ") :

“Later in the history of European culture, other personal concepts of love were created - kindred love in marriage (for a person like Plutarch), love for God (for a person like Augustine), courtly love (for people like Abelard and Héloise), love as nothing unrestrained passion and pleasure (from Guy Caligula to the Marquis de Sade and beyond), love as a moral occupation (Kant and Fichte), romantic love, the American version of love (T. Dreiser), love - sex, and these examples do not end there.

Many writers have romanticized and poeticized not only the sublime forms of love, but also the simple pleasure of love. At the same time, they grasped that pleasure or voluptuousness in love can stand out as an independent process. Maupassant was especially sensitive in this respect.

So, it seems to me that the only way to keep love as a deep and lasting feeling is not to hold onto the image of romantic love all your life, but to cultivate a new type of love, let's call it “creative”. Love is creativity, mature love should replace romantic love, taking from it all the best - spiritual doing, idealization, an aesthetic attitude.But love is creativity, creative love includes all these elements into another whole, where the main thing is to cultivate kinship, to include love in the general plan human life (as a person and social individual), maintaining and revitalizing love, conscious work aimed at all the main aspects of human life and love ”.

- Erich Fromm (1965): “Romantic love is a delightful art form, but it is short-lived. Even its staunchest adherents eventually admit that they would like to break free from the captivity of a beautiful illusion and move on to the next stage of the relationship that is more realistic. "

The age-old dream of the absolute majority of women and a significant part of men - romantic love until old age - unfortunately, is impracticable in principle.

A romantic love feeling consists of several components: psychological, physiological, somato-vegetative and others. Most of these components can be accurately measured by modern methods, so that today we can determine the strength of love feelings.
Psychotherapist, sexologist Ph. D. Sci., Professor A.M. Poleev:

2. Moral - sexual aspects of "romantic love".

model girls

Club: F. Engels believed that the moral and ethical norms of bourgeois society disfigure the person so much that she loses the ability to love, and this feeling persists mainly in working-class families ...

In a capitalist society, an entrepreneur - an advertiser acts as the main legislator of morality and culture, uses "romantic love" as bait to promote, impose any product: concrete mixers, diapers, bananas, etc.

Love in this context is no exception. On the contrary, it has become the most popular commodity. Consuming romance creates millions of jobs and billions of happy customers around the world. There is hardly a chocolate bar on which a heart is not depicted.
Richard David Precht is a philosopher and writer "The Religion of Love".

- Erich Fromm - The Art of Love. 1956: "Nowadays in the West it is considered" fashionable "love at the source - a sudden surging feeling, emotional spontaneity, unbridled passion, most often excluding responsibility, human seriousness, spiritual and moral kinship and mutual understanding between partners. everyone is burning with a "passionate desire for love", practically in a consumer society "almost everything is considered more important than love: success, prestige, money, power; all energy is spent on achieving these goals, and almost nothing is done in order to learn the art of love. "

... Over the past several generations, the concept of romantic love has become universal in the Western world. In the United States, although considerations of the contractual nature of marriage have not yet been completely supplanted, most people seek romantic love, a personal experience of love that should then lead to marriage. This new understanding of the freedom of love was to greatly increase the meaning of the object to the detriment of the meaning of the function.

Another characteristic feature of modern culture is closely related to this factor. Our entire culture is based on the desire to buy, on the idea of mutually beneficial exchange. The happiness of a modern person consists in the joyful excitement that he experiences looking at the windows of a store and buying everything that he can afford to buy, either for cash or in installments. He (or she) looks at people in the same way. For a man, an attractive woman - for a woman, an attractive man is the prey they are for each other. "

“A superficial and light-hearted attitude towards love is demonstrated by a huge number of 'mass-market films' about happy and unhappy love, as well as 'low-quality songs' about love, from which the mass consumer draws uncomplicated information. Although the public is saturated to the limit with information "seemingly about love", few people have an idea of "true love", not knowing how to distinguish it from "fake love." Nowadays in the West it is considered "fashionable" love at the source - a sudden surging feeling, emotional spontaneity, unbridled passion, most often excluding responsibility, human seriousness, spiritual and moral kinship and mutual understanding between partners. Despite the fact that everyone is burning with a "passionate desire for love", in practice in the consumer society "almost everything is considered more important than love: success, prestige, money, power; all energy is spent on achieving these goals, and almost nothing is done in order to learn the art of love. "

Denis de Rougemont "Love and the Western World": “The whole world is ready to admit that passion is recklessness, poison, a disease of the soul, as it has been believed since antiquity. Moralists use these expressions most often, but in the days of films and novels, no one can believe it anymore, because we are all more or less poisoned, this is one of the decisive nuances. "

Club: If in the 19th century the philosopher M.O. Menshikov writes about the "cult of love ...", ".. love affair corrupts sexual feelings", by the middle of the twentieth century traditionalist philosopher Y. Evola writes about "The tyranny of love and sex ...", by the end of the twentieth century, doctor of psychology R.A. that "romantic love" is already being turned into a religion ... " and as a result:

It should be noted here that the procedures for infecting mass love in their effectiveness can be correlated with weapons of mass destruction, since a person is simply not able to resist them. Love as a primary defense mechanism simply turns off all acquired forms of psychological defense (and above all the critical function of consciousness) ... Love is indeed a contagious disease, the virus of which distinguishes a civilized person from a savage.
Psychologist-psychoanalyst, vice-rector of VEIP V.А. Medvedev

a chimera appears, which Dr. E. Giddens called "confluent love".

What is “confluent love”? V. Shapovalov

Ulrich Beck and his wife Elisabeth in their work Absolutely Normal Chaos of Love (1990) characterize the situation with love not just as chaos, but as the reality in which we live, as a normal situation.

Herzen said as a great injustice in the history of mankind that a woman was “driven into love”. The woman is driven not into love, but into romantic illusions, into dramatized eros. A.I. Herzen made his statement in the second half of the 19th century since then amorous - romantic pressure in culture has only grown and as a result:
Alessandra Baduel, who has researched women's novels, writes: "Romanticism and happy ending in women's novels create dangerous illusions, and women lose touch with reality."

Those who are incapable of love tend to be sentimental in the same way as those who are incapable to brotherhood are inclined to familiarity.
F. Iskander

"Ladies' novels harm married couples, sexuality, numerous women who read them, fall into illusions, dream, stay in anticipation of sensual experiences and end up not accepting prosaic reality, destroying love relationships with their own hands. Such readers completely turn off common sense. and chasing romance, "writes the famous British psychologist Susan Quilliam.

“Virtual prostitution on the Internet is in vogue. Many women, being married, go to the Internet panel at night to entice hundreds of their fans. Recently I had a reception with a man who could not understand how to relate to these .. virtual intimacy of his wife. What can I say? ... "Associate Professor, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Ramil Garifullin.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intellect.
G. Mencken

“Romanticism and passion that involve turning off the brain is not good,” says Roberta Jommi, director of the International Institute of Sexology. “There is a lot of romanticism both in novels and on the Internet. It pushes women to forget about themselves. , about their rights, about the necessary protection.Not only young girls, but also 30-year-old and 40-year-old women, tired of everyday worries, strive to immerse themselves in fictional worlds, and they are no longer able to discern in the person with whom they live, interesting man of flesh and blood. Both women and girls, I try to instill one thought: use your imagination, look for positive aspects in reality, work on it, instead of indulging in someone else's reality that is being sold to you. "

It may be recalled that 70% of divorce applications are initiated by wives. There are no other statistics, but judging by the appeals to the Club: “I left my husband for my lover now I regret ...” there are a lot of them.

Huge expectations from sexual love and the shame of these expectations in advance spoil all prospects for women.
F. Nietzsche

“What is hidden behind the romantic cult of“ passion ”- freedom from the shackles of hypocrisy? - asks the philosopher and sociologist Yuri Davydov. - No! Here it is more appropriate to talk about the lack of moral will. In life and literature, passion is now often called“ sex ”, lovers - partners. Non-binding in relations between a man and a woman has become so common that it even finds its own literary lawyers. Is this not evidence of spiritual degradation of the personality? Undoubtedly! Morality cannot be a matter of fashion, and family values cannot be a bargaining chip, payment for pleasure! "

Knowing love movies and genre scenes makes sex and romance predictable and predictable. Films form standards that many people understand, who then reproduce them more or less accurately. When we experience feelings, we use them to name our emotions. Forced to act in society, we civilize our ideas according to accepted patterns. You can continue La Rochefoucauld's phrase that most of us would never have fallen in love if we had never heard of love: we would never have behaved like romantics if we had not been told on TV what it is.
The mediating role of television in showing intimacy is so obvious that it, as Christian Schuldt writes, "fulfills its parenting obligation." If video clips, talk shows and reality shows, advertisements and daily soap operas did not introduce ideas of love and patterns of love behavior among the people, then many people would probably still not know what to do in bed and in marriage. life. As a result, instead of true originality, confusion reigns, and the expectations of partners are less and less consistent with each other.
Richard David Precht is a philosopher and writer "The Fucked Up and Hypersexual".

In his article in Family Life magazine, Paul Popeno describes what most people think of romantic love: “Love is an incomprehensible obsession that comes from nowhere and immediately takes over you completely, like measles. You recognize it intuitively. If this is a real feeling, you will not have to guess long. You will see her, no doubt. Love is so important that you have to give up everything for her. A man is forgivable to leave his wife for love, a woman is forgiven to leave his house and children, the king is a throne. She comes out of the blue, and there is nothing you can do. It is beyond human control. "

The expression “there is no sex in the USSR” became popular; it was not available not only in the USSR, but also in other economic formations, where people had not so much to live as to survive. Among our predecessors, back in the early twentieth century, sex occupied a very modest place in life. People were primarily interested in food and shelter issues. But already in the second half of the twentieth century, a person became, so skillful that he was able to provide himself with everything he needed quite quickly. It was possible to separate sexuality from reproduction and integrate within the framework of the project of selfhood, freedom of expression, continuing the development of individualization.

And so there is a lot of free time. And a holy place is never empty. According to the laws of this stage of economic development - excessive consumption, it turned out to be the most profitable offer of the entire line of "romantic love" and sex. Almost any restrictions were quickly removed from them, and everyone was allowed to decide on their own: when, how much and with whom.

The main slogan of the post-sex-revolutionary society: "You should have sex as much as you want!" All perfectly. But the problem is that the slogan also implies the second part: "And you must always want." The image of a successful person (it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman) is now unimaginable without a rich sex life. Whether you are at least three times the chairman of the board of a bank, if there is a lack of sex in your life, you cannot say that your life is good. And this directive creates more problems than all the religious restrictions of the past.

Ever since sex scenes began to appear in Hollywood movies in the 1980s, there has been an almost inevitable pattern in American cinema of showing a nude woman, in a mad rush to sling her luxurious hair back and moaning voluptuously at the ceiling. This behavior during intercourse is rather not very typical for real women, but for Hollywood it is the only, albeit obscene, opportunity to stage a sex scene. The man in this scene is almost invisible, but the woman riding on top of him looks very photogenic. The impact of these thousands of copies reproduced should not be underestimated.
Richard David Precht is a philosopher and writer "The Fucked Up and Hypersexual".

In Russia, such a scene was first shown in March 1988 in the loudest film of the era of "perestroika and glasnost" - "Little Faith". Spectators took the cinemas by storm to watch those one and a half minutes that so excited the public.

Thus, more and more women find themselves subject to the tyranny of the main myth of modern sex culture, which has introduced into the mass consciousness the idea that without enchanting sex you cannot join the club of successful people. Like any myth, this statement has about the same relation to reality as Hollywood movies to the life of the average layman. Nevertheless, more and more women are trying to put it into practice.

If at the end of the 19th century the philosopher M.O. Menshikov writes about the "cult of love ...", then:

In a society of universal eroticism, the cult of sex is quite natural. Sex, along with violence, dominates popular culture in the early 21st century. It is obvious that the more the modern world is oriented towards sex, the further it moves away from love: there is a perversion of the understanding of full-fledged love between a man and a woman, a distortion of the whole complex of relationships takes place.
D.philos.n. V.F. Shapovalov

In the 20-40s of the XX century - the time of unenlightened sex, about 30% of European women were able to have an orgasm on a relatively regular basis, by the end of the century - the time of enlightened high-tech sex, more than 90% of women. Such a sharp leap did not pass without leaving a trace, one specialist called this phenomenon "the tyranny of orgasm", and another that high-tech sex is more difficult than flying a Boeing.

After women had mastered the G-point in sexual practice, the next point of pleasure, PS, was opened. If the first stimulation zone is on the anterior wall of the vagina, 5 centimeters from the inlet, then the PS point is located in the depth of the perineum, between the genitals and the anus. Sexologist Carol Queen explains in detail how to properly stimulate her to get the maximum effect.

Kegel has developed a technique for training the PC muscles of the vagina to get more pleasure from sex. He draws attention to the fact that a positive effect occurs only with regular training of intimate muscles.

“… sex has gained enormous importance and aroused great concern, but not so much sex itself as an obsession with sex, an image of sex in letters and colors, publicized in advertisements, spread by films of heightened“ boldness ”,“ polemic ” articles in the press and "frank" novels. "
Ch. Buner, "The Neophiles"

A natural continuation of this was:
According to reports from the American Medical Association, about 42% of women in the United States suffer from sexual dysfunctions.

And the post - the sexual revolution “drove a woman into passion - orgasm, high-tech sex”.

Sexual relationships in love as a source of personal growth. T. Vlasova

Pleasure in women's autobiographies: script change and sexuality redefinition. A. Temkina

“In my practice, there was a case when a woman was afraid to go to bed with a man for fear that" he would think that I was making love badly. " Another woman was afraid because “I don’t even know how it’s done,” believing that her lover would harbor a grudge against her. Another woman was scared to death to remarry for fear that she would not be able to experience an orgasm, as she could not experience it with her first husband. Often women formulate their hesitation as follows: "He will not like it very much and he will not come again." Psychotherapist Rollo May "Paradoxes of Love and Sex"

The Russian-American sociologist Pitirim Sorokin, who studied the consequences of the sexual revolution in America, claims that in the 20th century, "homo sexual" comes to the place of "homo sapiens". According to Sorokin, today "every aspect of our life is associated with sexual obsession. From the cradle to the grave, this obsession bombards every aspect of our living space, almost every step of our activities, thoughts and feelings. We are completely immersed in the ever-rising stream of sex. which fills every section of our social life and culture. As we search for Antidotes against these libidinal forces, we are increasingly being conquered by the constant pressure of this gigantic army of ubiquitous sexual symbols "(mid-last century)

More Modern love. (1950) P.A. Sorokin

Letter to the Club:
Hello! It looks like I need a consultation with a psychologist and / or sex therapist ... In general, a banal problem - I do not get an orgasm during sex. But this problem is divided into two problems:
1) I am 25 years old. There were 7 sexual partners. Of these, only two wondered about my orgasm, and that was fine with me. Because I did not bother with this topic, I think that the main thing is love, relationships. With masturbation, I myself can reach orgasm in 3 minutes, even several times in a row. During intercourse, there were two men with whom I unexpectedly experienced an orgasm without clitoral stimulation in the back position - this is my favorite position in all its manifestations. During sex with men, I did not stimulate the clitoris. Now I realized that I want to experience an orgasm during sex with my beloved man.
2) My beloved is also 25 years old. But he is much more experienced at sex than I am. At the same time, I am more experienced in relationships. His cock suits me. But the problem is this. We've only been meeting for six months. And before that, six months were friends + sex. During these six months he had another mistress. She is from an orphanage, he went to her for two years for sex. They did not meet, because he did not love her, but she was counting on the continuation of the relationship with him. In general, according to him, this girl completely satisfied him in bed so that she did not even jerk off.
He says that for him sex is the main thing in a relationship. We dispersed and converged several times - he left me 3 times and returned after two weeks of communication. And only 3 months ago that he stopped calling me, writing and generally communicating, because I do not satisfy him in bed. That all the girls finished with him, that he cannot live without it. And recently that girl showed up, to whom he went during our parting for sex. In general, she explained to me that I was a log in bed, which had never experienced an orgasm, that I was frigid, and she was so beautiful. She loves him and wants revenge. I began to notice that my man began to avoid sex with me. The reason is the lack of orgasm. Looks like he also thinks I'm frigid. He stopped trying in bed with me - apparently he thinks it is useless. Said he felt selfish, that he wanted me to have an orgasm. And it’s perfectly clear to me that if I don’t have an orgasm with him, he’ll leave me. The rest of the relationship suits both of us. We cannot live without each other - similar upbringing, mutual friends, we have fun and well together. But it all ends when it comes to sex.
Before meeting with him, because of a medical error, I was treated for a long time from a gynecological disease. For 8 months my female genitals ached, both inside and outside. I wanted to commit suicide because sex life was impossible for me. My husband left me because of this. My beloved knows about this. After that, it was very difficult for me to go to bed with a man in principle. Now I have no pain or any discomfort. I don't want to fake an orgasm. I want to feel it for real. I simply do not have enough stimulation during sex. My beloved can restrain himself for a long time. I am very worried about all this. I'm afraid that he will leave me again, that he will sleep with that girl again. I'm afraid he considers me frigid and a log in bed. He says that his self-esteem drops because I don't finish with him, that he doesn't feel like a man. I hurt his pride, so when he thought we were parted forever, he raised his self-esteem for that girl. But no one knows if she finished as many times (6) as she spoke and portrayed, in fact. What to do? I don't want another man. I love him so much. And I can't imagine life without him. How do we act so that I calm down and reach orgasm with him at last? Maggi.

Sexual lust, by its very nature, gives the sharpest of pleasures; Having been brought up for millennia, as the main joy of life, it grows, it seems to me, into a special psychosis that was not known to ancient mankind and will probably disappear in the future.
M.O. Menshikov, 19th century philosopher.

Love in the form that it has taken in our society is just a play of two whims and the contact of two epidermis.
N. Shamphor

3. Transformation of "romantic love" by the end of the II millennium.

Giddens photos - E. Giddens. “Transformation of intimacy. Sexuality, love and eroticism in modern societies ":" The ideals of romantic love for a long time inspired more women than men, although, of course, men could not help but feel some influence from women here. The eros of romantic love had a twofold effect on the position of women. On the one hand, he helped to put the woman "in her place" - in the house. On the other hand, however, romantic love can be seen as an active radical connection with the "masculinity" of modern society. Romantic love assumes that a lasting emotional connection with another (other) can be established on the basis of certain qualities inherent in this connection itself. This love is a harbinger of a relationship in its purest form, although it is also in a tense relationship with such a connection. "

“Passionate love is more or less universal. I will try to prove that it should be distinguished from romantic love, which is much more culturally delineated. "

"Romantic love is often understood to mean instant attraction -" love at first sight. " However, to the extent that direct attraction is part of romantic love, it must be quite clearly distinguished from the sexually erotic coercive influences of passionate love. "First sight" is a communicative gesture, an intuitive perception of another, the process of being attracted to someone who can make someone's love, as they say, "perfect."

“Romantic love, as I assumed earlier, is a gamble against the future, an orientation in control over the future time on the part of those women who have become experts in intimacy (in the sense in which they are now understood). In the early periods of modernist development, for many women there was an almost inevitable connection between love and marriage. But even then, quite apart from the forward-thinking feminist writers, women have de facto taken other paths. The division between marriage and its traditional roots in "external" factors itself was instilled much more strongly by women than by men, who could find in marriage and family mainly a refuge from economic individualism. For men, exploring the future, in terms of anticipated economic careers, has tended to sprout a consideration of a parallel but different form of spending time than that offered by romantic love. For them, at least on the surface, love remained closer to amour passion. "

“In the current era, the ideals of romantic love tend to be fragmented under the pressure of female sexual emancipation and autonomy. The clash between a romantic love complex and a pure relationship takes various forms, each of which tends to become more and more publicized as a result of increasing institutional reflexivity. Romantic love depends on the projective identification of amour passion - as a means by which prospective partners become attractive to each other and then become attached to each other.

“Romantic love is sexual love, but it removes the brackets from ars erotica.

Sexual satisfaction, especially in the fantasy form of the novel, is supposed to be guaranteed by the very erotic force that romantic love provokes. "

- R.G.Apresyan “The ideal of romantic love in the“ post- romantic era ”:

"In our era, under the pressure of female sexual emancipation and autonomy, the ideals of romantic love tend to be fragmented," - with these words E. Giddens begins in his book "Transformation of Intimacy" a paragraph devoted to the differences between romantic love and the new type of love that he called "Confluent love" (confulent love - love-merging). The displacement of romantic love by confluent love is just one in a series of different manifestations of the transformation of intimacy that Giddens discovers in "postmodern" society. But it was Giddens' “intervention” with the concept of “confluent love” that impressed the intellectual community and immediately brought the book “Transformation of Intimacy” to prominent places in citation indices.

“... romantic love itself is often interpreted by both intellectual specialists and lovers (more precisely, experienced and thinking lovers - erosophists) as a sublime experience, hope, illusion (psychotherapists even tend to cynically talk about“ not very rude, but still a psychopathological disorder ”, as an ideal that, when applied to practical relations, does not stand the test of reality. "

"Even taking into account that it was in the literature of romantics that romantic love first received a reflexively expanded and most complete realistic reflection, the ideal of romantic love should be distinguished from the ideal of love in romanticism."

“Giddens, as an Amurological philosopher, undoubtedly deserves the credit for the subtle (though not radical, and not entirely consistent) distinction between love-passion and romantic love. To the extent that R. Johnson conducts a deep analysis of romantic love in the above-mentioned book, he does not distinguish between romantic and passionate love, moreover, presenting romantic love in its various manifestations, he sometimes reduces it to love-passion ”.

“With the help of these three notions-concepts, the author explains how the processes of total, all-embracing individualization and detraditionalization, taking place since the last third of the twentieth century, radically change the most intimate aspects of people's lives, eliminating any predestination, normativity and institutionality, transforming any relationship in constant search and incessant self-realization, primarily emotional. In general, the original intention of Giddens, according to his own statement, was an interpretation of the fact that some thinkers had very high hopes for sexuality, regarding it as a potential sphere of freedom (p. 30) - here Giddens means neo-Marxist concepts of sexuality, freedom, social change and revolution ".

According to A. Getsuk and I. Rozin (2000), 73% of the women surveyed claim that because of the constant open discussion of sex in the media, the romance of sexual relations and the mystery of women are lost (“the forbidden fruit loses its sweetness”). As a result, their peers of the opposite sex do not show due attention and respect towards women. They do not know how and do not want to look after at least the way it was done 20-30 years ago. As a result, the relationship between the sexes lost all romance and poetry. In turn, 78% of men complained that as a result of the feminist movement, the behavior of modern women is such that any desire to show them any signs of attention disappears, but there is an urgent need to assert themselves in their masculine "I".

- E. Vovk “Book review: E. Giddens. Transformation of intimacy. Sexuality, love and eroticism in modern societies ":

"... romantic love is dislike, but a complex of attitudes towards love: the interweaving of feelings, ideals and reactions."

“The Western ideal of romantic love was born in our society around the twelfth century - just when Tristan drinks the love potion. At the very beginning, this cultural phenomenon was called "courtesy" and meant "sublime" or platonic love. Courtly love is a completely new loving relationship to a person. Under the influence of certain religious ideas of that era, courtly love idealized the "spiritual" relationship between a man and a woman. It arose as the antipode of the patriarchal attitude that existed in the world of Tristan. "

“Giddens concluded:

- there was a change in the dominant types of love relationships: the ideal of romantic love gave way to a new "amorous" standard - the so-called confluent love, i.e. "Fluid", transient, not oriented, in contrast to romantic love, on the search for the only (oh) beloved (oh) and on finding eternal love; the main thing in it is not the uniqueness of the other (beloved / beloved), but the peculiarity of specific relationships that have developed here and now and, in general, do not in any way predetermine the future of the participants in these relationships. To characterize confluent love, he uses two more terms: "plastic sexuality" - that is. sexuality, which becomes a consciously cultivated personality trait; "pure relationships" - relationships maintained only for the satisfaction they bring.

- the emergence of the phenomenon of confluent love was the result of a number of interrelated factors:

a) female sexual emancipation - the release of female sexuality from dependence on reproductive function and the formation, thanks to this, of what Giddens calls "plastic sexuality" (first of all, women have adopted a new standard and image of sexuality);

b) liberation of sexuality from the dominance of the masculine principle; as a result, sexual practices have finally gone (and this is especially radical for women) beyond the matrimonial framework;

c) changes in the ratio of the roles of women and men in intimate relationships, their egalitarianization. "

An interesting difference between eros and sex was noted by the psychotherapist Rollo May "The essence of eros lies in the fact that it beckons us, while sex pushes us from behind."

R. May confirms and in his own way explains the same conclusions that E. Giddens came to that the relationship between sex and eros in modern society turns out to be conflicting, antagonistic: “We opposed sex to eros, using sex precisely to avoid burdensomely deep relationships associated with eros ... We flee from eros; and sex is a high-spirited horse that carries us away from the chase…. We use the sensuality of sex as a defense against the passion of eros. "

In postmodern culture, the discourse of love is closely related to the discourse of sexuality, and the concept of love is replaced by the concept of "love scam" or "libertinage"; in conditions when human reproduction ceases to be associated with sex, love and sexual choice become a form of market choice, sexual orientation is also viewed as a free choice of the consumer, and love is declared uneconomical.
German philosopher Norbert Bolz

Club: Therefore, supporters of "romantic love" who were born in the last third of the twentieth century should know that their amorous-erotic practices are not performed within the framework of "romantic love", but belong to another type of intimate relationship - "confluent love". What in its essence is an explosive mixture of ludus and eros - love behavior has been known since the times of ancient Greece.

More details:

Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - eros. E. Pushkarev

And the last romantic of love can be considered Alexander Blok, when he went to woo Lyubochka Mendeleeva, he had a pistol in his pocket, and at home, on the table, he left a suicide note. If Lyuba refused him, he planned to shoot himself, but she saved the poet's life with her consent.
Blok, as a true romantic, explained to Lyuba: “I don't want hugs: because hugs (sudden consent) are a stinking monster. I don't want words. Words were and will be ... I want over words and over hugs ... "He dedicated 687 love hymns to the Beautiful Lady! But "romantic love" with Anyone as he imagined it did not work out. The block began to look in other places, but he could not find it.

Feminists on "romantic love".
Romantic love, like any other social and cultural construct, is imbued with a hegemonic ideology. Romantic bourgeois ideology is hegemonic in a social system based on a monogamous heterosexual couple formed by two adults in accordance with certain rules, oriented towards reproduction and legitimized by the institutions of the Church and / and the State. Another important characteristic of the Western Ideology of Romantic Love (IRL) is the free choice of a partner. Common and unifying is the addictive nature of romantic love, which manifested itself especially clearly in the post-modern era, which itself is capricious, neurotic and obsessive.
Feminist accion_positiva - Love and social subordination of women.

The ideal of romantic love in the "post-romantic era" R. G. Apresyan: “The author Yu.B. Ryurikov, well-known in Soviet amurology, tries to separate romantic love and love-passion, but although he gives phenomenologically extremely accurate descriptions of romantic love and love-passion in his book, for him these are only psychological varieties of love, and the main difference between them - in the power of emotional intensity. At the same time, Rurikov, describing just romantic love, can easily drop: “romantic love-passion”.

“Romantic love (I will add all the same: in its extreme expressions) is uplifting and idealistic. However, it is sometimes idealistic in the worst sense of the word: it imposes a subjective ideal on another person, mortals themselves are lost in the “projection of the inner gods onto mere mortals”. Thus, romantic love turns, according to Johnson, selfishness. Summarizing his analysis of the legend, he states that romantic love "lies in the egoism of Tristan and Isolde, in using a partner to kindle their passion, for their own pleasure." And this is already the verdict of romantic love. "

"Starting to analyze, Johnson makes a reservation that romantic love is not love at all, it is" a set of attitudes towards love: an interweaving of feelings, ideals and reactions. " However, having designated his position in this way, Johnson does not find a better designation for the phenomenon he is investigating as precisely "romantic love."

“One of the paradoxes inherent in romantic love (which Johnson himself does not utter, unlike a number of other paradoxes he noted), is that romantic love does not expect an indispensable factual connection, it may well be content with the possibility itself, even if only in principle. , such a connection. "

A lifelong romance is nothing more than literary fiction. The 19th century timidly and hesitantly transferred this thought into real life. And only, the XX century made romance something inevitably expected from a love relationship. Today's tumultuous conflicts between women and men - over fidelity and infidelity, individualization and feedback, self-realization and family - are the consequences of a universal obsession with romantic relationships. Such games with truths were impossible in past centuries, because such claims were not considered legitimate.
Richard David Precht is a philosopher and writer "The Religion of Love".

4. Psychology - Psychiatric aspects of "romantic love".

My stupid head, legless, armless ...
And when love passes, my head finds me,
Here are the hands, here are the legs, hello, head.
People's Artist of Russia A. Pugacheva

romantic girl Stanton Peel in his article "Fools for Love" writes that romantic love is one of the manifestations of social and individual pathology. Romantic love, he believes, is pernicious, akin to addiction to drugs, reminiscent of insanity. It is society, Peel believes, that creates situations that encourage destructive love, instead of promoting healthy relationships.

Love and addiction. S. Peel, A. Brodsky

- Ts. P. Korolenko; psychiatrist, doctor of medical sciences, professor. - Romantic love and sexual addiction. Ts. P. Korolenko. :

“American psychologist Dorothy Tenov describes the manifestation of romantic love, which she calls 'limerance'. Limerance means constantly thinking about someone, excluding other possible sexual partners. If for some reason a potential lover (mistress) is out of reach, romantic feelings for them intensify. All thoughts and feelings are fixed on one person, some tranquility is achieved by including the sphere of imagination on the same topic. Even the most insignificant signs of attention or sympathy on the part of the chosen object sharply raise the mood, completely change the perception of the surrounding world, which immediately becomes bright, interesting, life takes on a new meaning. To maintain the state of romantic love, there should usually be at least the potential for intimate rapprochement with the chosen person, and at the same time, some uncertainty, some doubt about the realization of the desired relationship is always necessary. This characteristic coincides with many images of literature: ancient and medieval legends and legends, knightly novels, works of the period of romanticism. There is a legend about Saint Valentine (who is considered the patron saint of romantic love), which well reflects the content of this concept. "

Club: The first paragraph from the chapter "Romantic love and sexual addiction" is given, in which Ts. P. Korolenko reveals in detail the connection between "romantic love" and sexual addiction. It should be noted that only the most passionate, painful versions of "romantic love" are considered addictions.

It is pertinent to recall that Ts. P. Korolenko developed the first classification of non-chemical addictions (these include sexual and love addictions) in Russia, which was included in section F63 "Disorders of habits and impulses" - the International Classifier of Diseases (ICD-10).

American psychotherapist Henry Kohut suggested that romantic love is a painful condition and is akin to obsessive-compulsive neurosis, autonomic reactions: the lover sometimes blushes, then sweats, his breathing and heartbeat become four times faster, his stomach is more often upset, etc. All this is accompanied by recurrent obsessive fears.

“The mechanisms of 'romantic love' are neurobiologically similar to those involved in drug and alcohol addiction, as both of these areas are part of the reward system in the brain - the dopamine system, which is associated with very focused attention, elation, energy, thirst, motivation ". From an interview with H. Fischer, professor of anthropology.

Psychotherapist, sexologist Ph.D. Sci., Professor A.M. Poleev: “A romantic love feeling consists of several components: psychological, physiological, somato-vegetative and others. Most of these components can be accurately measured by modern methods, so that today we can determine the strength of love feelings. "

Club: Details of psychological, physiological, somato-vegetative and other manifestations during the experience of "romantic love" - Various feelings of love and love. E. Pushkarev.

- B.Yu. SHAPIRO - Dean of the Faculty of the Moscow School of Education, Ph.D., Associate Professor, Full Member of the Academy of Pedagogical and Social Sciences, Member of the European Association of Psychotherapists:

“The fact that in the USSR and now in Russia schoolchildren are brought up mainly on examples of romantic love, has led to the fact that more than one life has been twisted and broken. Romantic love originated in the Middle Ages, it is beautiful, and, in fact, most of the current courtship rituals are built on the canons of romantic love, but it is very dangerous. In the version of romantic love, emotional blinding occurs. The person does not see the realities of the one he or she loves. The second point is that a person becomes psychologically dependent. The slogan of romantic love sounds creepy: "I can't live without you." In fact, a person loses part of his self.

Essentially, romantic love is similar to drug addiction. A person gets used to it and cannot free himself. There are hooks that hold. But the passion passes, the veil falls from the eyes, and severe disappointment sets in. A romantic person in love is very sensitive, the symptoms of such love are comparable to neurotic ones: poor sleep, gastrointestinal disorders, emotional swing. The overwhelming majority of suicides who end their lives because of unhappy love are addicted romantic lovers. In contrast to romantic love, realistic love is characterized by a clear vision of most of the traits of his partner and acceptance of him for who he is. "

... Cicero (104 - 43 BC) has an extremely negative attitude to the passion of love and believes that it is necessary to fight it. Therefore, reasoning about love passion allows this thinker to show the false, erroneous nature of everyday ideas about love, which is the cause of immoral and sometimes even illegal actions.
Ph.D. S. S. Demina

There is no true selflessness in "passion". This lower form of love has been extolled lately for no reason whatsoever. Someone thinks that the closer love is to suicide or murder, to Werther or to Othello, the stronger it is, and any other is interpreted as invented and "head". I, on the other hand, believe that it is time for the word "passion" to return to its originally derogatory meaning. The ability to take the life of yourself or another person does not guarantee either the quality of life or the amount of your feeling. "Passion" is a pathological state of the soul due to its inferiority. People who are primitive by nature or predisposed to mania will be possessed as "passion" by absolutely everything that will only get in their way. It's time to remove from love-passion those romantic trinkets with which it is adorned. It's time to stop thinking that a person is in love just as much as he has gone crazy and has done stupid things.
Spanish philosopher H. Ortega y Gasset

American family psychologist Deborah Dunn in her book Stupid about Men: 10 Rules for Getting Romance Right ("Stupidity in relationships with men: 10 commandments of the right romance") also supported this idea and proposed a new term "romance addiction" she called them more painful addiction of girls to "A romantic relationship. She explained why girls who are reasonable in every sense begin to ignore common sense and logic in their behavior with their beloved: “Romantic hobbies bring positive emotions to women, many“ get hooked ”on them like a drug and reciprocate almost any man, even if he is perfect for her. does not fit or poses a danger to her health or wallet. "

Club: Cognitive theoretical statements of professionals can be supplemented with examples from real life and literature.

Letter to the Club “Hello, my name is Inga. I am 32 years old, no children. I have a depressed state, I have completely closed myself off from everyone and live in some nightmarish little world of mine. I can’t be happy about anything, I am constantly looking at people lost, and I don’t know at all what I want in this world ... I just feel bad. I fell into this state exactly a year ago, the whole world has ceased to shine for me and interest me ... I wake up and cannot get up, such fatigue, there is no desire to do anything, complete loss and isolation from life, there is no interest and enthusiasm, desire is just live ... I work, but how works. The fact is that two years ago I met my soul mate, I did not think to look for anyone, especially since I had 1 month after the divorce, I suffered.
But it happened unexpectedly - he flew into my life like a merry whirlwind, and turned my life upside down. I have NEVER experienced such feelings in my life, I realized that love exists ... smart, self-confident, cheerful, director of his business, who knows a lot, can ... a charismatic person. The most important thing is that I was always comfortable in his company, love flared up with unexpected interest, love and grew into a huge feeling. Two months. I was just happy, we met every evening after work, every day as a celebration of life ...
But soon, some events happened, his behavior, some of my principles because of my inexperience in life, now I see and understand that I was wrong. In general, I said, everything, I need a pause ... he cried, he suffered ... but we continued to communicate. And we met, because there were feelings, and I needed him. Then the incident happened again (he just changed his mind about celebrating my birthday as he promised me), I think it was his insult, because of which I abruptly interrupted and stopped responding to the bodies. I suffered, of course, because I missed him ... very much, I became attached. But she held on. When I was participating in the exhibition, two months later I met him, we drank coffee and started spinning again, we realized that we needed each other. There was such an understanding and connection that when I left for another city to study, we felt each other even more at a distance.
It was only a happy weekend that we spent together. But after 8 months we found out that he had a child, yes, exactly at that moment, 2 months, he returned his ex ... she saved the child, tk. because of me, he left her. As a result, I fell into a depressed state, I cried for no reason, I work a lot with people ... but then I did not understand what was wrong with me, but seemed to live in two worlds. He did not want not to see, not to accept this child, we met with him on weekends, as we live in different cities. But I insisted that he accept it, because this is his son, I do not know why, probably the instinctive feeling of the mother. So he went to see his son for the weekend, he fell in love with him, happy dad. And I, unable to withstand this situation, broke completely. She just explained that I couldn't do that. I tried to forget him, I didn’t manage to meet another, I don’t need anyone but him.
She Gone Head Into A Career. It took 3 months, he called me, I understood this answer. But everything has changed since then. He took his son and the mother of the child into his home. Just because the mother of the child, as she calls her, he does not love her ... must take care of her son, for some time, maybe 1 year more ... But he loves me, and cannot forget, but he does not offer anything either maybe things got a lot more complicated. He is afraid of losing his son, and misses when he is not around. I do not know what to do, I wake up with thoughts about him and I am very sorry that this child is not ours. He regrets too, but adores the child. What to do, how to forget it. He was sent to me by fate, we have a strong energy connection with him, I cannot forget him. And he does not want to marry and have a child with me, but does not want to break contact either. I described the situation a little, probably not clearly ... I just have complete chaos in my head. Sorry. And Thank you if you try to help me with at least some advice. I just want to forget him, and if fate pleases, meet my true love. Inga ".

This letter is written according to all the laws of the romantic genre. For Inga, this genre performs the work of psychological defense in a distressing situation.

More details: "Psychological resistances and defenses."

But if we consider this story, taking into account the true interests of the other side, it will be an ordinary adultery of a successful, modern entrepreneur. Inga is his next romance and he broke up with her (you're blowing my brains out) because he decided to start a new one.

In this story, there was a conflict of interests between the fundamental romantic, Inga, and her partner, a supporter of "confluent love".

An example, when both participants in amorous relationships are adherents of the same type - confluent love, can be the story of I. Bunin "Sunstroke", the action lasts only a day. A young married woman with a three-year-old daughter is returning after a month of lonely rest in Anapa. On a steamer sailing along the Volga, she meets a young lieutenant. They have dinner, drink together, and after three hours of meeting they go to a district town in the Volga region, where they spend the night together in a hotel. In the morning, she leaves without saying her name, and the lieutenant feels immeasurable joy, and at the same time his heart is torn to pieces. He also continues on his way.

It can be recalled once again that “romantic love”, “sudden love”, “plastic sexuality”, “consistent monogamy”, like “confluent love”, are ritualized sets of amorous-erotic practices for true love that have nothing to do with it.

Frequently - every day, several people turn to our Club with a request: “how to get rid of love (falling in love, obsession, passion, insanity, etc.)

More details: How to get rid of "love"? E. Pushkarev

5. The consequences of the transformation of "romantic love" into a religion.

IV Bestuzhev - Lada: "... just think how many future beautiful married couples did not take place, how many people remained unhappy for their entire lives just because they read books and novels about" unearthly love. "

- "Is romantic love and marriage allies or enemies?" :

“Romantic love. Acquiring the status of one of the highest human values in modern literature and art, love is passion, love is love, as L.N. Tolstoy, suddenly turned into a Trojan horse inside the fortress walls of the family.

For a long time romantic love remained an elite ideal, the lot of the elite. But not far off were rapid changes, as a result of which the understanding of love, love experience, turned into one of the highest values of human existence. And the ideal of romantic love developed over the centuries has also changed the ideal of conjugal interactions. After all, marriage is now more often concluded in conditions of free choice and out of love. Thus, literature and art can confidently declare that they suffered and, finally, introduced into the public consciousness the once elitist ideal of romantic love. When this happened, people saw how stable the foundations of the previous married life were.
In traditional culture, love is not singled out as a special problem, it simply exists along with other phenomena of human existence. Traditional culture is characterized by the belief that after marriage, love automatically arises between two people who start a family. Sayings like “fall in love, endure”, the tradition of choosing a groom, images of a wedding - all this speaks of the subordination of love to marriage and their close connection. In modern culture, the relationship of love to marriage is turning upside down, now love is accepted as the romantic basis of marriage, and marriage itself often becomes a prison for love. Love degenerates into sexuality and loses the power of a person's spiritual transformation. As a result, there is a loss of the integrity of human being.
D.philos.n O.I. Nikolina "The Phenomenon of Love in Human Being"

According to VTsIOM, love is the most important sphere for Russians under 45 years old (93-94%), in the same age group the importance of the sexual sphere is recognized more often than others (86-89%). The importance of sex (M 80% versus F 62%). For Russians under 45, the importance of the sexual sphere (86-89%).

75 - 80% of Russians marry for love.

Anthropology professor at Rutgers University Helen Fisher: "91% of American women and 86% of American men would not marry without" romantic love. "

"Now (1999) half of young families break up in the first year of life, two thirds - in the first five years, in 70% of families that have not yet broken up, the spouses are in tense relations ..."
D.philos.n. V.M. Rozin "Problems of love in the context of the contradictions of the modern family"

Only 1.5% of Russians surveyed answered positively to the question "Are your relations with your loved one harmonious."

One love is the fun of a cold life,
One love - torment of hearts:
She gives only a gratifying moment,
And the end is not visible to sorrows.
A. S. Pushkin

“According to official statistics, we have 70 divorces per 100 marriages. And I say that 100% of marriages are divorces. We don't have families as such. It's just that people live in isolation in one territory, isolated from each other.
We have such families that only the outer shell keeps people together. I researched families where the marriage lasted 10-15 years, and asked a question of this type: "You would now marry your husband, but only everything will happen again as it was." And vice versa. As a result, only 5% of men did not regret having married this woman. And 9% of women. But, let's say, I agree to marry her, and my wife would not marry me now, if on a new one. So out of 11,400 families, there are five of them, where there is a mutual choice. "
Corresponding Member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M.E. Litvak "Love is healthy and addicted"

From love to hate one step, and some prefer to take it under the march of Mendelssohn.

Divorces per 1000 marriages 2000 g
Magadan region. 1426
St. Petersburg 827
Moscow 673
Ingushetia 35 (In Ingushetia, the life expectancy of men is 10 years more than the average for Russia)

According to the 2012 UN Demographic Yearbook, Russia is the first country with the highest number of divorces. Further Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova. On the 6th - the USA.

In 1930, in the United States, every seventh marriage ended in divorce. In 1960 - already every fourth, and in 2002 - every second.

And there is also such a phenomenon, 20% of Muscovites (18% of women across the country) never marry, and half of them do not marry because of "over-selective love" - one of the forms Poor quality falling in love.

It was a dramatic statistic accompanying "romantic love", and there is also a tragic one.

According to WHO research, a person's inability to survive passion ranks 6th out of 800 reasons for suicide and accounts for about 6%. Based on this pattern, in Russia in 2018 there were 1,320 (total 22,000) suicides, 3.6 per day.

“... we have compiled a characterization of the personality of those who intentionally committed suicide because of unrequited love, which are mainly women (the ratio with men is about 1 / 2.5) under the age of 25 (76%) (in this the age category is dominated by minors aged 15 to 16 years (21%), the remaining age groups are distributed as follows: from 17 to 18 years old - 16%, from 19 to 20 years old - 14%, from 21 years old to 22 years old - 13% , from 23 to 25 years old - 8%, from 13 to 14 years old - 4%). After 25 years, suicidal activity due to unrequited love decreases markedly and by the age of 36 it practically disappears. The share of minors among suicides for this reason was 41%, which raises concerns. " Ph.D. AM Smirnov "Suicide due to unrequited love as a socio-psychological problem."

After the publication of Goethe's novel The Suffering of Young Werther (1774), an epidemic of young people's suicides from unhappy love swept across Europe.

In Turkey, in 1999, after the song "bu aksam olurum" ("this evening I will die" - the direct speech of a man who decided to commit suicide out of love) became a hit, more than 15 people committed suicide, its broadcast was banned. You can listen to the song online.

Family troubles were the reasons for 45% of suicides among military personnel.

Suicides and murders for amorous reasons are absent in those civilizations where there is no practice of "romantic love". American anthropologist Margaret Mead, in a study on Samoan natives, describes how she told them the story of Romeo and Juliet. They found her very comical and died laughing at such an absurd behavior of a young man and a girl.

... the first place among all human misfortunes (wars, diseases, epidemics, natural and other disasters) is confidently held by love and family troubles.
Psychotherapist V. Levy

The lowest rate of suicide is found in Islamic countries, where cultural traditions do not encourage "romantic love". And in Jamaica, there are practically no suicides at all.

Humanity will perish from disharmony between men and women.
Doctor of Philosophy. V. Zhirinovsky

I recently reread my interview with Lyudmila Markovna Gurchenko. And I understood what I did not fully understand when I did it. Really. The relationship between a man and a woman is a war. And to win, a woman must always be one step ahead.
Natalia Zemlyakova

“Now is the time to think about banning and abolishing heterosexual relationships,” the president of the Federation of Women of Quebec (FFQ), 51-year-old feminist Madame Gabrielle Bouchard, tweeted. “The relationship of a heterosexual couple is too cruel. Moreover, they are most often based on religious doctrine. "

Acquainted with the tragic love statistics, I recall that the very first known goddess of love in history was Ishtar from the Sumerian-Akkadian epic (more than 4 thousand years ago), the goddess of love and war, strife at the same time. Not far from the culture of civilized countries in matters of love has gone during this time, if until now inter-sex love, strife, war are united in one concept.

This is the reverse tragic side of "romantic love", which it is unacceptable to talk about, but without it the picture of this phenomenon is not complete.

Club: But why, if marriages are created out of "romantic love", do they break up so quickly, dramatically and even tragically?

Answers:
1. For love, both Russians and Americans accept violent love, aka “romantic love "," Romantic love "are bright exciting emotional experiences that have nothing to do with love and are completely unsuitable for creating a family. That is why in this article this term is in quotation marks.
2. Which, the author of a sociological study, VI Zatsepin called "obvious consumer unrealism." According to V.I. Zatsepin, when studying the ideas of students, it turned out that the average desired spouse in its positive qualities exceeded the "average" real young man from the immediate environment of female students, similarly to young male students, the ideal spouse was presented as a woman who was not only better than real girls, but also surpassed them in intelligence, honesty, fun and hard work.
There is a magazine stereotype "their love boat crashed on everyday rocks." But in fact, the boat was not out of love, but in love. And she crashed about the discrepancy between the ideal image of the beloved (oh) with the real one. And everyday life only hastened the destruction of the weak family structure. After all, you can take both for example and for a sample, when a family boat is made from true love, then she is not afraid neither the mismatch of images, nor everyday rocks - there are not so many such lucky ones.

Examples of true love.

True love, it is also compatible love.

RA Lewis and JB Spanier, who carried out a secondary analysis of more than 300 works in the late 70s, identified 40 most important signs of marital success, combined into 14 groups. More than 2/3 of the specific parameters they named that positively affect the quality of marriage are purely psychological factors that characterize the degree of similarity and agreement in the interpersonal relationships of spouses.

“In recent years, wherever I go to meet with statesmen and religious leaders, asking them what is the biggest problem in their country, I usually get the same answer: the state of the family. in the Caribbean, in South America, in the United States, in Israel - wherever I go - family breakdown is a universal problem.

That the institution of the family is subject to such attacks by the enemy should not surprise us. The disintegration of the family will lead to the collapse of civilization. The family is the first and fundamental unit of human society. "Dr. Miles Monroe.

Club: The ideal of "romantic love" was historically formed by poets and writers as an antithesis, on the one hand, to a loveless and dull marriage, and on the other hand, to a soulless and changeable "lust". But years and centuries passed, the quiet one - "romantic love" grew into a cult, then into a religion, and now it turned out to be a Trojan horse inside the fortress walls of the family. And these walls could not stand it and began to crumble like matches.

Or another analogy, when a cuckoo tosses its egg to another bird, the first thing a hatched cuckoo does is to push the eggs of its half-brothers or themselves out of the nest. A mother who does not notice anything, like our culture, the cuckoo diligently feeds the cuckoo, even when it already grows larger than itself.

And yet, it should be noted that Dr. Monroe is not quite right, his concern applies only to those countries in which "romantic love" is turned into a religion, and those countries where it occupies an adequate place there with the institution of the family is all right.

- "We can learn a lot about human love by turning to oriental culture and its traditions." Robert A. Johnson. : “After spending some time in India and Japan, I saw there marriages and love relationships, which were not built on romanticism, but on warm, attentive and patient love. Hindus are consummate masters in the art of earthly love. I think this happened because they never tried to build relationships based on romantic love. Hindus automatically share everything that is usually mixed up in the West: they know how to worship anime, archetypes and gods - the inhabitants of the inner world. They know how to preserve their experiences of divinity and are able to distinguish them from marital and personal relationships. "

Club: The same applies to other countries with a collectivist culture: Islamic countries, China, etc.

The expression and experience of feelings of love in Russians differs from those of other nationalities:
- subjects of Russian nationality are characterized by inconsistency, irrationality. Love is associated with beauty, happiness, joy, delight - on the one hand, and with sadness, suffering, longing, sadness, tears - on the other.
- the subjects of the Chinese nationality are characterized by rationality, there is no contradiction, love for them is harmony, perfection, music, melody, poem.
Candidate of cultural studies A.V. Sevryuk

Conclusions.

In the XXI century, when it became possible instrumentally using modern equipment, biochemical research, psychological tests to distinguish: love, pseudo love - falling in love, passion - love addictions it can be said for sure that" romantic love "by its psychophysiological nature is one of the varieties falling in love, which means to true love has nothing to do with it. Once again: "romantic love" is falling in love, which in different eras and times was experienced according to certain rituals , cultural norms.
This means that any statements that after the completion of romantic love with the right actions, diligent behavior of the spouses, you can achieve love is self-deception, confirmed by the ever worsening statistics family problems and divorce. A lot of professionals work in this direction in our country, but especially in the West: psychologists and psychotherapists. Their efforts are similar to the attempts of alchemists to obtain gold from base metals. They did not manage to get gold - true love, but they have developed methods that allow positive spouses, with certain efforts from alienation and cold, which inevitably come when "romantic love" passes, to build more or less acceptable relationships suitable for further married life.

More details:

Psychotherapy of family relationships.

Five languages of love. Geri Chapman

Marital love therapy. V. Albisetti

"Life-Long Honeymoon" V. Joan

Be his mistress, not his wife. Personal experience. W. Joan

Overcoming difficulties that kill joy in marriage. W. Joan

Honeymoon for life, let's start all over again. W. Joan

"How to keep love." Vaughan James & Peggy

In countries with an individualistic culture (Russia has chosen this path), a cult of "romantic love" has been created. And psychology doctor Robert A. Johnson believes "Love has already been turned into a religion. Human love is so clouded by excessive suffering and experiences of romanticism that we are deprived of the opportunity to treat it the way it deserves."

Neither cult, nor religious worship to some psychological phenomenon, be it "romantic love", the cult of personality, or something else can lead to nothing good .

Therefore, I suggest using the advice given by R.A. Johnson:

“The salvation of love from the quagmire of romanticism begins with a change in attitude towards the inner world. We should awaken our inner world from sleep. We must experience and know "self-love" as an inner sensation. Only then will the time come again to look at the outside world, at earthly people and at the relationships that we build with them, for we must comprehend the laws of earthly love. "

“When lovers are truly attached to each other, they want to expand, as much as possible, the range of joint activities. People turn even the most routine and difficult activities into a joyful and attractive episode in life. Romantic love, on the contrary, lasts exactly as long as each of the lovers can keep "on top" until the money runs out and the entertainment ceases to give pleasure. "

It has long been researched that
The average duration of falling in love is “romantic love” six months, maximum 30 months (by H. Fisher)
Therefore, you do not need to build your family life on a shaky, albeit for a while, intoxicating foundation of "romantic love".
After all, a person does not have an innate gift, to distinguish love from falling in love - “romantic love” of other pseudo-loving feelings and disorders, this must be learned.

"An idea that takes hold of the masses becomes a material force." Karl Marx.

The idea of rampant romantic, demonized love has taken hold of the masses over eight centuries and has become a leading destructive force that has completely undermined the foundations of the family. But the upcoming new macro amorous trend - confluent love will finally finish off the family in Western society, to which Russia belongs. Once again, and in the Islamic world everything is in order with the family, and therefore their demography is flourishing.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTENED LOVE"

This is a page from the section Psychology of Love

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

All articles about romantic love, almost an encyclopedia.

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

If you eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

The concept of "love". E. Pushkarev

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

Compatible love, it's true love. E. Pushkarev.

ECOLOGY AND DRAMATURGY OF LOVE.

Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

Sigmund Freud about love.

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." almost 2000 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.

Эрих Фромм

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Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.


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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

Чтобы познакомиться бесплатно скачайте Это презентация моей книги

Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми