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The essence of love. E. Pushkarev

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The first step towards the solution of any problem is its conscious and correct formulation; but the task of love was never consciously posed, and therefore it was never solved properly. They looked at love and are only looking at it as a given fact, as a state (normal for some, painful for others) ...
V. S. Soloviev

Contents of the article.

The essence of love - psychological essence.

The essence of love - place in life.

The essence of love - social significance.

Embodying the essence of love in your life.

The essence of love - psychological essence.

Plato made an important contribution to reveal the essence of love The psychological essence of love was determined after the vanguard of anthropologists, neuropsychologists, neurochemists, neurobiologists, psychotherapists, philosophers, and other professionals by the end of the twentieth century managed to solve almost all the riddles of love and even more. And the most breakthrough contribution to the disclosure of the mystery of love was made by Erich Fromm, whose works undoubtedly influenced subsequent studies of this topic. It is for this reason that E. Fromm's photo was placed on our website in the most conspicuous place.

For Plato, definition is an indicator of knowledge. If the definition is found, then the idea is set, and you can start solving the problem. Fromm's statement is best suited for defining love, in which he defined the psychological coordinates and semantic contours of love:

“Love is a fruitful form of relationship to others and to oneself. It implies care, responsibility, respect and knowledge, as well as the desire for the other person to grow and develop. This is a manifestation of closeness between two human beings, provided that the integrity of each of them is preserved".
Erich Fromm "A man for himself."
In other works, he introduced new concepts and explanations: "true love", "fruitful love", "mature love". “Caring and responsibility means that love is an activity, not a passion that overwhelmed someone, and not an affect that “captured” someone. ”The most fundamental kind of love that forms the basis of all types of love is “brotherly love”.

An important question: why for so long, until the end of the second millennium, people could not get to the bottom of love? But because a number of feelings and partisan relationships between a man and a woman are so similar to love that not only ordinary, but also outstanding people could not discern the difference between them. Let us consider this using the example of the philosopher I. A. Ilyin's: "All attempts to define love in a logical order would be in vain: the one who has not experienced it can neither be enlightened nor convinced in this regard, and the one who experiences it is incapable of logical order". But the era of devices and biochemical research has come and now there is an opportunity to comprehensively investigate a person experiencing any state: love, falling in love, lust, a variety of amorous and erotic disorders.

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Tomography of love.

The myth of romantic love. Morgan Scott Peck

Love is not a feeling. Morgan Scott Peck

And it turned out that love, falling in love, lust are states that have nothing to do with each other at all. They have different periods of evolutionary origin, formation, course, influence on mental and somatic processes.

Among all the misconceptions about love, the most effective and widespread is the idea that falling in love is also love, or at least one of its manifestations. This delusion is effective because falling in love is subjectively experienced as vividly as love.
Doctor M.S. Pitch

Classifications of love relationships. E. Pushkarev.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

The same applies to sex. Sexuality is an innate need (secondary, not vital function) of the human body, it has a significant impact on the mental processes of life of a sexually mature person. She is the trigger and engine of love, but has nothing to do with love.
More details - Love and lust.

Four centuries BC. about this Aristotle in "Nicomachean Ethics" gives the following explanation: "Love, therefore, comes more from friendship than from sensual attraction. But if most of all from friendship, then friendship is the goal of love. Consequently, sensual attraction or not at all the goal, or it is for the sake of friendship".

Ideologues of human culture and morality, with the aim of streamlining sexual norms, "fastened" them to love quite recently.

History of the culture of sexual relations and fidelity. E. Pushkarev

Professor Doctor of History Yu.I. Semenov; "The origin of marriage and family": "Many pre-class societies did not in the least condemn either premarital or extramarital affairs, unless they were a violation of marriage and group regulation ..." -e - 3rd millennium BC)

The concept of marital fidelity appeared under the slave system, and the Roman poets Ovid and Horace first began to write about fidelity in love in the 1st century. BC.

And love passions - the entire spectrum of substandard love ("drug addiction" "overselective love" "neurotic love", etc.) turned out to be nothing more than psychological or even mental disorders.

Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.

Poor quality falling in love - eros. E. Pushkarev

E. Fromm said "A": falling in love is pseudo-love, introduced and deciphered the concepts of "barren or irrational love", "love-worship", "false love", "sentimental love", "neurotic love", "immature form of love" or "symbiotic union", etc., but did not say "B". Today we can say for sure that the feelings that Romeo and Juliet felt , Zheltkov for Vera Nikolaevna, Anna Karenina for Vronsky, Dante for Beatrice, Petrarch for Laura, poor Liza for Erast, F. Kirkorov for A. Pugacheva and many other heroes of literary and real dramas and tragedies are not love, but mental disorders initiated by personality problems, an unfavorable ecology of love and only superficially similar to love. Currently, there are a sufficient number of signs in order to reliably distinguish love from falling in love, others about love disorders. They learned how to successfully heal and entered into the International Classifier of Diseases (ICD 10) in section F63 - "Disorders of habits and impulses" and called "love addictions". That is, what the heroes of famous tragedies tried to achieve in an irrational form through love confession can be achieved in a rational form with the help of psychotherapy, psychotechnics everyday, without mysticism and unnecessary costs, especially sacrifices.

After we have separated pseudo-love states and especially disorders from true love, we can deal with its essence, nuclear signs. And philosophers will help us in this, but not all, but only those ideas that have been confirmed by modern instrumental and biochemical research.

"Androgynous integrity of personality" is the idea of the first theory of love in the history of mankind created by Plato twenty four centuries ago, the result of which was: love is "the thirst for integrity and the pursuit of it", due to "healing the flaws of human nature and their replacement."

"Flaws of human nature" is not just an artistic form of speech, this is a specific mental phenomenon, this is how A. Augustinavichiute describes it in his work What gives a person a mental complement: “And without the complement, that is non-dualized, a person is a restless, spiritually hungry being, having no idea what the essence of his hunger is and who is to blame. He feels that he is "not understood", but who is to blame for this - himself, his "difficult childhood", spouse or society - is not sure. In such a state, it is difficult to live in peace with all the pestilence, all kinds of conflicts, contradictions, and unreasonable aggressiveness are piled up. A person is drawn to others for an answer and often becomes even more confused in their relationships. It is difficult to find what you need if favorable conditions and a suitable microenvironment have not developed by themselves".

As a result of "healing":

I love you
Not only for who you are,
But also for who I am becoming,
When I am next to you.
Roy Croft

Here are two more statements about the same, but in different words.

Pascal noted that we cannot love another for what he really is, we love him only for the good that he brings to us.
D.filos. n. V. Shestakov "Love as an affect"

When I am loved, I no longer need to endlessly think about myself. After all, I'm sure of myself. I am free and can do something else. True love always gives freedom.
Gary Chapman "Five languages of love"

Plato clarifies that passion (pathos in Greek) is an aspect that only distracts from the essence of love.

Plato's ideal was love - friendship, the subordination of love to the common task of saving man, highlighting not sensuality and pleasures, but spiritual work.
D.philos.n. V.M. Rosin "Sexual revolution at the turn of the century"

Philia has the highest status in Plato's doctrine of love.
K.philos.n. EM. Spirova "Love as an anthropological given"

Already in the very first theory of love, the idea arose about the special power of love, about its role as a corrector of human nature, and thus a person overcomes his innate imperfection.

The Dictionary of the Spanish Royal Academy defines love as "an intense feeling of a human being, which, starting from its own inadequacy, feels the need and seeks to meet and unite with another being."

Love heals people: both those who give love and those who receive this gift.
K.A. Menninger

V. Hugo clarifies the details, the technical process of this healing:
“Love for a woman has a great, irreplaceable value for us; it is like salt for meat: soaking the heart, it protects it from spoilage".

Plato's idea of the "androgynous integrity of the personality" was repeatedly supported and supplemented:

Bible, (Gen. 2)
7. And the Lord God created man from the dust of the earth, and breathed into his face the breath of life, and man became a living soul.
22. And the Lord God created a woman from a rib taken from a man, and brought her to a man.
23. And the man said, Behold, this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she will be called wife, for she was taken from her husband.
24. Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife; and they will be one flesh.

“The property of love is such that the lover and the beloved are not two separated, but one kind of person” (Conversation on 1 Corinth. XXIII, 3; Md.).

The Arab poet and scientist Ibn Hazm (994-1064) writes: "Allah the Great and Glorious" did not just create a pair for each soul, but "a pair for the soul arose from it." From this it follows that "the reason for love is the union in their main sublime element of the soul particles, separated in the local nature."

The androgynous mythologeme in European culture (from romanticism to postmodernity). N. Kopylova

According to the theology of sex V.S. Solovyov, sexual "love is the highest and absolute value of human existence." Only such love can create a “true person”, “... through love, the androgynous integrity of the personality is restored, a person ceases to be a fragmented, flawed being” because “a true person in the fullness of his ideal personality cannot be only a man or only a woman, but must be the highest unity of both ”.
“… true life is that to live in another as in oneself or to find in another positive and unconditional fulfillment of one's being. Sexual love, or conjugal love, remains and always will remain the basis and type of this true life".

In the small encyclopedic dictionary of Brockhaus and Efron, the only sign of sexual love is highlighted - "mutual replenishment of life."

Definitions of love from explanatory dictionaries

A synonym for Plato's androgyny is the concept of "unanimity" (one soul) of those who love what is formed by agreement of opinions, thoughts, assessments, value systems, and moral similarity.

N.A. Berdyaev: "Love is an agonizing desire to reunite into a whole individuality, the desire of each half, each sex to find its other half, its other sex, a mysterious attraction to that which restores individuality."

N.A. Berdyaev: “Love is always the path to the other, the search for“ another self ”...

I. Goethe:
And unrestrained and bold
Two are in a hurry to become one,
And there is no limit for the heart,
And For The Sun There Are No Barriers.

F. Dostoevsky: "Love is so omnipotent that it regenerates ourselves as well."

L. Feuerbach noted that one of the main functions of love is its ability to compensate for the immanent inadequacy of the personality. He believed that in love a person expresses dissatisfaction with his individuality, since the personality itself is insufficient, imperfect, helpless and the existence of the Other for it is an essential need - the need of the heart.

G. Hegel: “... Love is the difference between the two, which, however, are completely indistinguishable from each other. The feeling and consciousness of this identity is love ...".

Religious philosopher L.P. Karsavin: "In Love, a single true personality is reborn, by free merging of its parts, restoring once and somehow dissolving by it."

A.N. Radishchev wrote that a loving couple is a single person, since nature has transformed their habits: they have the same will and do the same things. Sexual inclination in humans differs in that it combines both sexes into a mutual union freely and naturally, often for a whole century.

E. Fromm supporting the idea of "reunification in love" complements its essence with his own signs: "... this is the way to overcome the separation of people from each other. A disconnected existence is unbearable for a person, it introduces and keeps him in a state of anxiety. … Awareness of human separateness without reunification in love is a source of shame and at the same time it is a source of guilt and anxiety. Thus, the deepest human need is the desire to leave the prison of his loneliness".

Love is one spirit within two forms.
P. Shelley

The same essential idea of love was supported by B. Spinoza, I. Kant, A. Maslow and others.

"I am sure that the whole in love is not sexual attraction, bodily pleasure, communication or family, but a person (the subject of love is a person), therefore, everything listed in love is transformed and established in a new way."
D.philos.n. V.M. Rozin "Evolution of the concept of love and marriage in the last two centuries"

The same idea was expressed in his own way by another Doctor of Philosophy. L.V. Zharov: “Love, in essence, does not need bodily contact. Moreover, the body is often the main obstacle to love, especially in its physiological manifestations. For love, it would be better to have an ethereal, angelic body, or what people should find in paradise".

V.S. also wrote about this. Solovyov, that sexual love in humans does not serve the purposes of reproduction and the solution of historical problems. The meaning of sexual love is individuality itself.

TSB stated this in the following way: “Love is revealed in its aspiration not just at a creature of a different sex, but at a person with its uniqueness, which acts as something extraordinarily valuable due to its emotional-volitional, intellectual, moral and aesthetic qualities, as it were replenishing what is “lacking” for a loving person "

"... the acquisition of love is the acquisition of integrity and harmony of the personality and brings satisfaction as a state of physiological and mental homeostasis - peace, when" nothing torments, does not disturb".
D.filol. n. S. G. Vorkachev " The concept of love in the Russian language consciousness"

L.N. Tolstoy: “Love is a priceless gift. This is the only thing that we can give and yet it remains with you".

L.N. Tolstoy's views on love changed during his life, but thanks to his genius, we met in the most detailed details with the options:

- Bright true love - Natasha Rostov and Pierre Bezukhov. Examples of true love. E. Pushkarev

- An extremely severe form of love addiction, quite successfully curable by modern psychotherapy - Second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev

Based on the foregoing, the psychological essence of love is a qualitatively new, perfect personality, who once frightened Zeus, capable of a significant "work of love" to "replenish his own and other life" through "healing the flaws of human nature and their compensation." Translated into technical language, love maximizes the efficiency of the person who experiences it.

This state is designated as perfect harmony and is estimated as great happiness ("one heart and one soul") and, of course, by right ... for this is a true experience of the deity, which, having mastered a person, extinguishes and absorbs everything that is individual in him ... man and woman become instruments of a continuing life.
K.G. Jung

Falling in love, the dumbest sharpen their minds.
M. Ficino

... Love ... is magic. For the one who loves, love enchants the whole world, envelops the world with additional values. Love greatly increases the completeness of the perception of values.
V. E. Frankl

And in the most empty minds love often gives rise to acute inventions.
Kozma Prutkov

Other details and details of true love:

Natural love.

True love, it is also compatible love.

Friendship + Love = Filia.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.

Examples of true love.

The essence of love is a place in life.

Love cannot be an end in itself, otherwise it loses all meaning.
Mother Teresa.

Love becomes a moral sin when it becomes the main occupation. It then relaxes the mind and makes the soul degrade.
K. Helvetius, XVIII century

From A. Maslow's theory we know the model of the hierarchy of needs, which includes a full set of human motivations. In order of importance in the first two places: physiological needs: food, water, shelter, sleep and the need for safety. And only after the basic needs are satisfied, a person has a desire to love, make friends, communicate. Therefore, in those formations, estates where basic needs were not satisfied, there was no love culture. Under the slave system , wealth, excess, idleness appeared in high society, the best conditions for the emergence and development of a love culture, but the attitude towards it in different classes was still significantly different. Since those distant times, love culture has had its ups and downs.

In Pushkin's "Eugene Onegin" (first third of the 19th century) Tatiana, before writing a letter to Eugene, being in great excitement, asks the nanny.

...- "Tell me, nanny,
About your old years:
Were you in love then?
- And that's enough, Tanya! These summers
We Have Not Heard About Love;
Otherwise I would have driven out of the world
My deceased mother-in-law.
- But how did you get married, nanny?
- So, apparently, God ordered ...

The estate to which Tatyana Larina belonged provided her with prosperity and indolence, and this opened up access to the entire spectrum of love experiences and manifestations for her
... I liked novels early;
They replaced everything for her,
She fell in love with deceptions and Richardson and Russo ...

And then - remember?
You appeared to me in dreams
Invisible, you were already dear to me ...

A full-size charge for falling in love was made and:
You just entered, I instantly recognized!

So Onegin became "the hero of her novel." There would be no Onegin, there was a different hero because the formed program for amorous relationships is stronger than the characters. This is because if the gun is hanging on the wall, it simply has to shoot. And for a nanny, life was a series of continuous responsibilities, she had to survive, in such conditions there is no place for romantic fantasies, and without them, corresponding experiences and actions are impossible.

By the end of the 19th century, a cult of love is already being created -

Literature has played a huge role in the love cult. M.O. Menshikov :
"Acting for centuries on the unstable brains of average people, a love story corrupts the sexual feeling more than any other influence":
"We are all now reveling in love stories, but, I repeat, there will be a time when the purest story about the feelings of a lover, even as elegant as Werther, will seem as out of place as a story about digestion and its upset. Romance novels will be described in clinical journals, as diseases are now described, because sexual love is a typical "growing pain", where, instead of acute physical pain in paroxysms, there is acute pleasure. enough material for an interesting dissertation".

For the working people up to the twentieth century, the special significance of love relationships is the privilege and whim of the masters. Marriage, a big family for ordinary people is a way of survival, in incredibly difficult conditions, and such an incomprehensible and even mystical phenomenon like love did not contribute to this in any way. And only in the second half of the twentieth century, love relationships became available to all strata of society, and by the end of the century:

"Love has already been turned into a religion. Human love is so overshadowed by the excessive suffering and experiences of romanticism that we are deprived of the opportunity to treat it the way it deserves."
Robert Alex Johnson; Doctor of Psychology

Agreeing with Johnson in principle, I would like to clarify that love has not been turned into a religion, but into a sect. In a sect, self-interest comes first, and in religion, spirituality. And self-interest, enrichment from sectarian - love culture,

Consumer society and its antilove essence. E. Pushkarev

are owned by the manufacturer and the banker, because they have long understood that everything is better sold against a love background - concrete mixers, beer, and rental, and in the most shameless way they exploit this human weakness.
It turned out that love culture and the essence of love are too different phenomena, and this is a sad reality in life.

On the one hand, love culture is overheated, overloaded:
"Love moves the sun and the planets"

"Love is the wonder of civilization"

"Love is the apotheosis of life."
A. I. Herzen

"Love, love, there is no point in the rest."
J. La Fontaine;

"The highest value on this Earth is Love."
A. A. Block;

"Love is the seal of the image of God in man"
M.A. Bulgakov;

"... Love is generally a precious blessing, happiness and consolation of human life - moreover, its only true basis ..."
S. L. Frank;

"Love is a monarch among the senses"
Yu.B. Rurikov;

“Love is the ultimate goal of world evolution, the truth of the universe. Love is the highest reality, the eternal basis of everything ...".

"Love is the most important word in the language: love plays a major role in life ..." "Five languages of love". Geri Chapman

On the other hand:
"Angels call it heavenly joy, devils call it hellish torment, and people call it love"
G. Heine;

“Now I know something about what is called love. This oppressive, rude and stupid feeling, perhaps brightening up the stupid life of the average man, but completely unnecessary, unnecessary and interfering in the life of a creative person".
Yu. M. Nagibin;

"Love is so distorted, profane and vulgarized in the fallen human life that it has become almost impossible to pronounce the words of love, you need to find new words."
N. Berdyaev;

“After all, what is, most importantly, nasty,” wrote Leo Tolstoy at the end of his life. - In theory, it is assumed that love is something ideal, sublime, but in practice love is something vile, swine, about which it is shameful to speak and remember ... And people pretend that the vile and shameful is beautiful and sublime ... Spiritual affinity! Unity of ideals! But in that case, there is no need to sleep together".

"Our rules of love are so imperfect that many should not, and even more cannot love ..."
P. Mantegazza.

As a result of overheating, kinking, frustrations and shuffling in real life:

According to surveys, more than 80% of marriages are created for love, and then:

"Now (1999) half of young families break up in the first year of life, two thirds - in the first five years, in 70% of families that have not yet broken up, the spouses are in tense relations ..."
D.philos.n. V.M. Rozin "Problems of love in the context of the contradictions of the modern family"

“According to official statistics, we have 70 divorces per 100 marriages. And I say that 100% of marriages are divorces. We don't have families as such. It's just that people live in isolation in one territory, isolated from each other.
We have such families that only the outer shell keeps people together. I researched families where the marriage lasted 10-15 years, and asked a question of this type: "You would now marry your husband, but only everything will happen again as it was." And vice versa. As a result, only 5% of men did not regret having married this woman. And 9% of women. But, let's say, I agree to marry her, and my wife would not marry me now, if on a new one. So out of 11,400 families, there are five of them, where there is a mutual choice "
Corresponding Member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, MD, psychotherapist M.E. Litvak "Love is a rare thing"

The reasoning of L.N. Tolstoy about the atmosphere in families:
“And we were two convicts who hated each other, tied by one chain, poisoning each other's lives and trying not to see it. I did not know then that 0.99 marriages live in the same hell as I lived, and that it could not be otherwise. Then I did not know this either about others or about myself ”- the reasoning of the protagonist Pozdnyshev. In the afterword to "The Kreutzer Sonata" L.N. Tolstoy openly identified with Pozdnyshev.

The word "love" has never been encountered in Russian jokes!
In general, in Russian jokes, spouses either do not love each other, or nothing is said about love.
V.N. Druzhinin "Psychology of the Family". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Statistical observations of M. Litvak, L. Tolstoy coincide with the observations of Osho (neo-Hindu guru, 1931 - 1990), he wrote:
"There are families on Earth - very rare, no more than one percent - which are truly beautiful, which are truly beneficial, in which growth happens; in which there is no authoritarianism, no violence, no possessiveness; in which children are not destroyed, in which the wife does not try to destroy the husband and the husband does not try to destroy the wife; where there is love and there is freedom; where people come together just for joy - not for other reasons; where there is no politics. Yes, such families existed on Earth; they are all there is also".

The same opinion is shared by Philosophy: Textbook. 2nd ed., Ed. editors: V.D. Gubin and others: "... love is very rare, and the vast majority of people do not experience love." In the other place. "Genuine love, as already noted, is a relatively rare occurrence; genuine love is always a miracle."

Poll by the "Public Opinion" Foundation in 2004 "How many times in your life did you have to fall in love?" five times - 3%, ten times - 3%, many times - 14%, did not fall in love - 10%, another - 2%.

According to W. Keephart's data, college-age people have already fallen in love 6-7 times. He also found that a very large number of novels, or none at all, were associated with a lack of emotional maturity.

Love is not for the infantile! E. Belyakova

From statistical data, we learn that people have repeatedly experienced falling in love, which means they are well acquainted with it, but the overwhelming majority did not manage to know love.

Instead of the beneficial result that love gives , the dramatic and destructive essence of the unfavorable ecology of love has come.

More details: Ecology and drama of love.

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

But having revealed the nature of love, we have already learned what place it occupies in the hierarchy of human values and how it works:

V.S. Soloviev: “… it is not enough to accept love as a gift from God, love has its true purpose, which consists not in a simple experience, enjoying this feeling, but in the“ deed of love ”.

“Caring and responsibility means that love is an activity, not a passion that overwhelmed someone, and not an affect that overwhelmed someone ...

“Love is an active action, not a passive acceptance, much less “falling somewhere”.
E. Fromm

"The conversation of happy spouses is simple, artless and pleasant; so dishes, made from ordinary products, sometimes we like more the most sophisticated dishes".
André Maurois

The block dedicated 687 love hymns to the Beautiful Lady! And she didn't need poetry at all, but life, which a girl usually expects: general worries, children, quiet evenings and conversations about this and that: "... I tried to arrange my life as needed, as conveniently as possible: I only thought about how to get rid of this love that I no longer need ..." - wrote in her memoirs about that time the already aging Beautiful Lady L.D. Mendeleev.

“It so happens that friendship or love from the very beginning takes too high note. This is a bad sign. Happiness is only where there is naturalness".
André Maurois

What is good and what is bad
it all depends on what the era is.
Cultural norms of love and rituals are different not only in different eras, estates, but also in different ethnic groups.

The expression and experience of feelings of love in Russians differs from those of other nationalities:

- subjects of Russian nationality are characterized by inconsistency, irrationality. Love is associated with beauty, happiness, joy, delight - on the one hand, and with sadness, suffering, longing, sadness, tears - on the other.
- the subjects of the Chinese nationality are characterized by rationality, there is no contradiction, love for them is harmony, perfection, music, melody, poem.

... love among representatives of Russian culture is a deeper and stronger feeling in emotional experience, in comparison with Chinese and Koreans from South Korea.

Established significant differences in the semantic spaces of meanings of the word "love" between groups of subjects belonging to the same nationality, but who are speakers of different languages (Russian-speaking Koreans and Koreans from South Korea), and the absence of these differences between groups of subjects belonging to different nationalities, but who are native speakers of one (Russian) language (Russian and Russian-speaking Koreans), allowed to confirm the scientific hypothesis about the influence of language on the way of thinking and the way of feeling of the people speaking it.
Candidate of cultural studies A.V. Sevryuk

... in the Chinese linguistic consciousness, the idea is cultivated that love is born from the feeling of friendship. This is confirmed in the analysis of the character "love" in the Chinese language - both complex and simplified versions of the character basically contain the ideogram "friend". Hence, we can draw a conclusion about the similarity in the Chinese linguistic consciousness of the signs of "love" and "friendship".
Turning to the concept of love, we do not see an absolute analogy between Russian and Chinese national characters. This is all the more inappropriate since the origins of the Russian and Chinese words love are not identical.
Philologist Ch. Abidueva "Paremiological analysis of the concept" love "in Russian and Chinese cultures".

Philologists have also identified noticeable differences in the perception of the concept of "love" in the Russian national consciousness and the national consciousness of English speakers. Studying the concept of "love" on the material of Russian and English languages, philologists have calculated that there are about 170 English and 220 Russian proverbs that translate the concept of love. In their opinion, these figures indicate less interest in the feeling of love in the minds of native English speakers.

According to the dictionary of synonyms of the Russian language, there are 84 synonyms for the word "love". Here are the top three:
1. Mania (212)
2. Weakness (144)
3. Passion (106)

According to the dictionary of synonyms of the English language, there are 47 synonyms in it, Here are the three leaders: affection - affection, appreciation - appreciation, devotion - devotion,

Synonyms of the word love in Russian show greater intensity, expression, drama, the degree of involvement in the experience than synonyms in English.

But the essence of natural love remains unchanged for Homo Sapiens at all times.

Love is not an end in itself, it is a means that helps a person to more fully self-actualize in life. Only in love can a person become the best himself.

The Harvard Grant Study found that love and the warmth and happiness that come from it, in fact, fill a person with a sense of life satisfaction that we cannot get from other sources in our lives. The results of the study also showed that for complete happiness, a person needs not only love, but also the opportunity to live fully in such a way that this does not affect love.

But so far the current ideologists of culture do not react in any way to the psychological and other discoveries of the nature of love of the last half century, and therefore there are still much more problems and drama on the amorous - erotic field than harmony and happiness.

Examples of true love and the place it occupies in this case in life:
Gennady Khazanov and Zlata Elbaum have been married for over 40 years, they have raised their daughter Alisa, and now they are helping to raise their grandchildren. Gennady: “We are both leaders, independent individuals. Zlata helped me not to turn off the creative path. She helped me develop as an artist, and not become a highly paid artisan, many talented artists retrained as artisans. Zlata and I were created for each other, we blossomed next to each other, fully revealed our potentials. We are together, but we also have a fulfilling, rich individual life. Distance means nothing to us, we have a connection with Zlata at the level of souls, and this is stronger than a connection at the level of bodies".

Ballet stars Vladimir Vasiliev about his wife Ekaterina Maximova : "Katya and I have known each other since childhood, since 1949 Can you imagine how much it is? That means 55 years together. And at home, and at work, day and night. Even on business trips. We've always danced the leading parts in ballets together. And we always went on vacation together. We never did not understand how a husband and wife can rest separately".

Garik Sukachev: "I have a feeling that I was born married. I have been married for over 30 years, and so successfully that the problems of mistresses, fans simply do not exist for me. When I met Olga, she was 14 years old. 16. For 8 years we were friends until relatives told me: "Oh, isn't it time for you to get married," we got married. We have a son, a good guy, a daughter is growing. For me, a wife is like the sun, air, water , bread is a natural and necessary phenomenon. Have you ever thought whether the sun will rise tomorrow or not? I never think about love, it's just like a well-fed person never thinks about food. I have a favorite song about Olga when I I sing, I always have a tear".

More details: Garik and Olga Sukachev

Poet Boris Slutsker before the tragedy in his life did not write poetry about love at all. But when his wife Tatyana died, he wrote more than 400 love poems. During Tatyana's life, his love did not bother him because he had it, and he felt the full magnitude, the significance of love only when he lost this love.
Love is like health, when it is, you do not notice it.

When the other descends to the grave, then one of us will understand the merciless power of love - in that terrible hour, the last hour!
D. Merezhkovsky

Examples of a distorted perception of love, and how it complicates, distorts life:
Lyudmila Senchina: “In my first marriage, my son Slavik was born. Bass guitarist Igor Talkov came to my group, I fell madly in love with him. I could not overcome this feeling and filed for divorce, my son Slavik stayed with me. Igor and I loved each other very much and now, when I see him on TV, I cry.

After my first divorce, I suffer, because I destroyed myself, I did the wrong thing. I destroyed the inner temple, I gained nothing from this love in later life, and what was in me inside began to settle, warp, collapse. I destroyed myself, something passed away, I did badly.

Now, from the perspective of what I have lived through, what I would like to have a family, this is what they would feel sorry for me. Many years ago I saw a life scene that was vividly imprinted in my memory: a little girl cries deeply and laments: "Mom, have pity on me, mom have pity on me." Here I am, like this girl, I want people to feel sorry for me, to take care of me, to be noticed less. Of course, at the age of 18 you think differently, dream, but you need to suffer a lot, make mistakes, so that everything falls into place".

The question arises: “Does everyone need to suffer, each time revealing the mysteries of love himself, as is happening now?

“For Zheltkov, loving Vera Nikolaevna even without reciprocity is“ tremendous happiness ”. He is grateful to her for the fact that for eight years she was for him “the only joy in life, the only consolation, the only thought”. Saying goodbye to her, he writes: "As I leave, I am delighted to say:" Hallowed be Thy name".
“Zheltkov is great with his suffering, his love. Vera Nikolaevna understood this too, remembering the words of General Amosov: "Maybe your life path, Vera, has crossed exactly the kind of love that women dream about and which men are no longer capable of."
"The little man" rises, becomes great with his sacrificial love".
IVPolyakova, NVKrivitskaya - teachers of the Russian language and literature of secondary school № 32 in Astrakhan.

Love and the Garnet Bracelet. L.G. Boring

Several decades before the article was written by first Western educators,

Criteria for distinguishing between love and addiction. S. Peel, A. Brodsky

and then domestic

Love and sexual addictions. A. Egorov

Detection tests:
love addiction according to Egorov;
of Sexual Addiction by P. Carnes.

psychiatry identified symptoms and signs of love addiction, which correspond to the experiences and sufferings of Zheltkov. Untreated forms of love addiction are quite successfully cured. But our school, the Kultura TV channel, as before, glorifies "sacrificial love" by imposing a pathology of love on schoolchildren and their parents.

Psychiatric confusion with love in school literature. E. Pushkarev

group "Factory":

I will fold my palms like this
To shout louder
That's why I live
To say words to you,
About love, about you,

Is it the main goal of your life to say words of love?

"Love often takes away the mind from the one who has it ..." D. Diderot

"From love there is a pestilence, darkness, darkness and shame", - Stendhal quotes in his novel "Red and Black" words from the Armorial of Love.

"Love is tragic in this world and does not allow improvement, does not obey any norms. Love promises those who love death in this world, not the order of life. And the greatest thing in love, that which preserves its mysterious holiness, is the renunciation of any life perspective, sacrifice of life. This sacrifice requires all creativity, requires sacrifice and creative love. Life improvement, family accomplishment - the grave of love. Sacrificial death in life and puts the stamp of eternity on love. Love is closer, more intimate, deeper connected with death than with birth, and This connection, guessed by the poets of love, is a guarantee of its eternity. The deep opposite of love and procreation". N. Berdyaev

At the end of the 19th century, the poet Arthur Rimbaud suggested: "Love should be reinvented." And in modern parlance, love needs a reboot.

After all, already now knowing the nature and essence of love, we can distinguish true love from pseudo-love, frustration, and what is the result in both cases.

If people realized the true power of love, they would erect the greatest temples and altars for it.

The essence of love is social significance.

Love is an evolutionary advantage that provides an opportunity to grow up, raise healthy, harmonious offspring that saves an ethnos, a species from self-destruction.

As throughout the book, especially this section is given a sensitive and accurate attitude towards the separation of the different types of love. Therefore, it is necessary to clarify that below we will not talk about agape - philanthropy or social love.

Agape - based on the traditional Christian view, according to which love does not require anything in return, it is kind, patient and constant. This love to which Jesus called: "... love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39).

Orthodox Marriage and Family

Holy Scripture about love and marriage. I. Meyendorf

And about individual love between father and mother - philia and its influence on their children. These loves are discrete, mental states, each of them is a separate phenomenon that includes its own unique specific experience. They have their own modes of expression and specific patterns of activity in the nervous and mental systems. Between themselves, they have only an indirect connection.

The stronger the love between the parents themselves, the stronger the love between parents and children, and the more timely this great feeling between boys and girls is born. At the same time, in families where there is no conjugal love and poor relationships between parents and children, children often form a completely wrong idea of the relationship between a man and a woman. Therefore, the role of parents in the birth and formation of love between boys and girls is not only difficult and complex, but also very responsible.
Professor Ya.L. Kolominsky

People gifted with agape love are not necessarily doomed to individual philia.

I know an inborn, explicit "agapist", a college teacher, a charismatic social activist. Students do not cherish a soul in him, and in his family there is a chronic conflict that has passed into a stage of deep alienation. And his wife, outside of marital relations, is characterized as a positive, sweet woman. He and his wife, something to divorce, in order to stop tormenting himself, and she cannot precisely because of his agape.

There is a concept of a phylogamous (monophilogamous) family, a family based on the individual love of parents for each other - philia. Knowing family statistics it can be noted with regret that there are not so many such families.

In a stable, monophilogamous family, a child is brought up in a completely different way. The quality of his upbringing a priori surpasses the quality of upbringing in a monogamous family, where love between husband and wife is not obligatory. In such a family, there is not simple reproduction of offspring, but high-quality reproduction. Any practice will confirm this: children who grew up in families without love are different from those who grew up in a loving family.
... monophilogamy is a kind of model of an ideal family to which one must strive. Since it not only quantitatively prolongs the human race, but also improves its quality.
D. Political Science. Alex Battler "On Love, Family and State." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...".

If we use the pun algorithm “decent people suspect everyone else is decency,” then people who grew up in a phylogamous family will suspect all other people of philanthropy. And, despite the fact that throughout their lives they will repeatedly be disappointed in their attitudes, because most people were brought up in lovelessness (lack of love), (again family statistics ) their pattern of philanthropy will still be stronger than these disappointments.

17% of high school students expressed a desire to have relationships in the future family similar to their parents.

Examples and consequences of raising children from incomplete and formal families: Whoever loves it. E. Pushkarev

The actual influence of the essence of love on social significance is set out in the epigraph to this section, and its content is a commentary on the epigraph. This is confirmed by the Ethologist, Doctor of Historical Sciences. M.L. Butovskaya “… ethologists and evolutionary psychologists are sure that love is an extremely adaptive emotion, it plays an essential role in human survival and reproduction. This understanding of the evolutionary nature of love does not diminish its importance and tremendous role in human life".

The central factor in the education and development of love is the family: "the organ for the education of love through love."
The Founder of Russian Pedagogical Psychology. P.F Kapterev

“The family is a school of love for humanity. Children who have grown up in parental love and care will go out into the world and take care of those who find it difficult, as they learned in the family.

If a person grew up in an atmosphere of love, he will begin to treat people on the way as members of his family. The family is important for another reason: as it expands, it embraces the whole world. A true family is the foundation for creating a true society, a true nation, and a true world. This is the first step towards building a harmonious world,

The family protects all its members, embracing them, but it does not at all prevent love from splashing out into the world around it. In fact, the love that reigns in the family should embrace both society and the people around them".
These are quotes from the book of the Korean, Reverend Sun Myung Moon "The man of the planet, who loves the world."

The family is a miniature society, on the integrity of which the safety of the entire large human society depends.
F. Adler

A. Adler To consider this in more detail, we will use the theory of life style proposed by A. Adler (1926). In it, life style is the meaning that a person attaches to the world around him and to himself, its values, goals and aspirations. A. Adler, believed that ideas about life and about the world are laid in the first five years of a person's life, through imprinting, sensations that are not fully realized. By the age of five, the child will acquire certain patterns of behavior and his own style of solving problems and problems that arise.

A. Adler identified four basic lifestyles: manager; taking; avoiding; socially useful.

People leading a socially useful lifestyle are mature, full-fledged individuals who show strong social interest and high activity in life. Such people are able to sincerely care for others, and are interested in communication and relationships with other people. They live with the knowledge that cooperation is necessary to solve basic life tasks - love, work, friendship, responsibility and willingness to contribute to well-being loved ones. These are people who were brought up in phylogamous families.

For comparison, we can give examples of life styles according to A. Adler's theory, which were acquired by people brought up in formal, incomplete families:

- People who lead a managing lifestyle, they are self-confident and assertive, with a weakly expressed social interest. They are active, but not in society, they are not interested in the well-being of other people. Such people have a pronounced attitude of superiority and the desire for superiority over the outside world and others. They tend to solve problems that arise in their lives in a rude or even antisocial way, violating the rights of others and committing crimes.

- People who adhere to the taking lifestyle, are parasitic to the world around them and tend to satisfy their needs at someone else's expense. They do not show social interest, but strive to get as much benefit and benefits from others as possible.

- People who lead an avoidant lifestyle do not have enough social interest, they lack the activity necessary to solve the problems and tasks that arise, they are afraid of failure, which makes them avoid solving their own problems. They try to get away from everything that may threaten difficulties or failure.

It is difficult to convey in words that especially bright feeling when we recall the warmth of our native family nest. Until a ripe old age, we still have some kind of sincere ties with the family from which we left,
Teacher KD Ushinsky.

Embodiment of the essence of love in your life.

Love, if it really is love, is based on one premise: my love comes from the very depths of my being, and in another person I also perceive his true essence.
E. Fromm “The Art of Love”.

This will require a small psychological excursion.

For a long time, there was an opinion that mentally healthy people are of the same type, that certain typical features appear only with some deviation from the norm. That all people are "average", and if two cultural people who have attracted the mutual interest of a person: a man and a woman, try their best, they will be able to love each other for life, create a harmonious union. This point of view both before and now is held by the church and most of the family consultations.

"One person is not yet a person, only in a pair does he acquire harmonious integrity."
L. Feuerbach.

But which pair? After all, couples have existed since ancient times, and with love in a pair it was, and is now tense.

A. Augustinavichiute And the founder of socionics Aushra Augustinavichiute substantiated and explained in the most detailed way why "one person is not yet a person"

"The dual nature of man" Aushra Augustinavichiute

and in which pair "he gains harmonious integrity", and from which pair God forbid.

The personality type is formed by several psychological functions, among which there are both strong and weak, and even painful. If we take the brightest, charismatic leader, lively and agile, who knows the answers to all questions, and who acts without delay and doubt, then he, like any other person, has painful personal psychological functions that need protection and care.

Anyone can find out right now their (partner, or at least someone) weak, they are the "flaws of human nature", and strong functions from " Descriptions of Socionic Types by Functions and Aspects of Model A ". A person has a weak point - a natural defect, the fourth painful function, the sixth activation, the strongest - the first program function and the seventh observational.

We, armed with knowledge, can find an inconspicuous, quiet, modest person without the slightest pretensions, by whom you will pass and not even notice him, but with a powerful function, which is weak and painful for that leader. And this quiet man, this very function can share without the slightest damage to himself with the leader from which both will become even more active and fruitful. This is the case when the synergistic effect is triggered.

Synergy (from the Greek syn - together + ergos - acting, action) - the summing effect of the interaction of two or more factors, characterized by the fact that their action significantly exceeds the effect of each individual component in the form of their simple sum.

This is how the law of man's complementarity by man operates. When there is a harmonious couple and all other couples with a latent form of conflict development, and the intensity, speed of the conflict development is different, for someone the conflict will develop in a week, for someone after ten or more years.

Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh, falling in love, the origin and development of the conflict to complete intolerance lasted for almost 20 years. After a divorce from Vivien, to which Lawrence did not come, he married another actress and lived with her until the end of his life. After breaking up the relationship, Lawrence first saw Vivienne only at her funeral.

For example, conflict is the worst and dual is the best intertype relationship.

It would be more correct to call conflicting intertype relationships opposite, because the partners participating in these relationships are arranged in the opposite way literally for each position: life values and activity, ideas and interests, hobbies and forms of recreation, manifestations and reactions to emotions: joy / sadness, enthusiasm \ apathy, etc. Such mismatches between partners excite the vis-a-vis and give them feelings of rejection, because it casts doubt on the correctness of our position in life. American psychologist B.F. Skinner called this "cognitive dissonance."

Perhaps only a "toy" conflict that appears on a movie or TV screen will cause mostly positive feelings: interest, respect - after all, the fact of the partner's "inconvenience", so tangible in life, is leveled by irony.

The dominant function of one conflictor coincides with the most painful area of the other. If the partners do not "feel" each other and do not feel goodwill towards each other, then this is very similar to a situation when two put knives to one another to the throat. However, it is the reciprocity of this provision that contains a powerful restraining principle. Conflicters, as a rule, immediately feel the mutual danger, which is a good precondition for the suspension of the conflict. Feeling that the scythe has found on the stone, only a fool will continue to mow.

That part of the personality of one of the conflicts, in which he "grasps" the situation quite adequately and acts absolutely confidently, for the second is a house of cards made up of statements heard or read somewhere. It is clear that in this area the partners are opposite and have every reason to be dissatisfied with each other. It is not hard to guess that conflicting intertype relationships are included in the group of relationships that are unambiguously unsuitable for marriage.

Substantive signs of the unfavorableness of marital relations obtained in the studies of V. Matyuz and K. Mikhanovich of families in which tensions are:
1. Considerable difference in thinking on many issues and problems;
2. Poor understanding of the feelings of the other;
3. Speak words that annoy the other;
4. They often feel unloved;
5. Pay no attention to the other;
6. Feel an unmet need for trust
7. Feel the need for someone to trust;
8. Rarely compliment each other;
9. Forced to often give in to the opinion of another;
10. Wanting more love.

Conflicting couples live extremely badly, and although at times relative calm is established and partners begin to feel that they have managed to "get used to" each other, this is just the calm before the storm, which marks the brewing of a new explosion that happens with the inevitability of sunrise - with new strength and at the most inopportune moment. Spouses in a conflicted couple are overwrought, neurotic, embittered, although at the initial stage they experienced a vivid love. And they are never destined to get used to it .

And those who claim that married people live longer than single people are cunning because:

From the statistics given above by authoritative people, we learned that no more than 1% of married couples live in love, happiness and harmony. And the rest of the life is not sweet "... two convicts who hate each other, tied by one chain, poisoning each other's lives and trying not to see it."

According to research conducted in the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation by specialists of the Main Directorate of Educational Work: 11% of professional military personnel are not satisfied with their family relationships; 89% of the surveyed servicemen cannot say with certainty that there are no conflicts in their families. Family troubles accounted for 45% of suicides among military personnel in 2002.

According to WHO research, a person's inability to survive passion ranks 6th out of 800 reasons for suicide and accounts for about 6%. Based on this pattern, in Russia in 2018 there were 1,320 (total 22,000) suicides, 3.6 per day.

This means that an important clarification: the longest people live not in formal marriages, but in harmonious marriages, which means in love.

Once again about dual relationships - the best of human relationships.
The strongest, creative side of one of the duals finds a grateful response from the other, who just needs frequent strong stimuli in the corresponding aspects. Bold judgments and original humor, the principles and programs of the dual serve as vital support; on the other hand, acceptance and understanding is needed by a partner who is competent in these matters. Confidence is combined with nobility and generosity, and the dual can fully rely on a partner and entrust his defenseless side to him.
The way the dual manifests itself, its natural way of being in the world, is extremely satisfying, pleasant, and this serves as an inexhaustible source of constant sympathy for the dual, its incredible attractiveness. Only the dual is able to create such an environment (and he cannot otherwise, for him it is natural, like breathing), in which the second dual can feel comfortable and joyful, since it is to such an atmosphere that he strives as an ideal. Sometimes exactingness is also possible (in terms of the fullest approximation to this ideal), which the dual takes calmly, checks for adequacy, and if the partner is right, he gladly obeys.
Dual has flaws and even cute ones; they are, moreover, easy to cope with. So, any person in communication brings to the fore the qualities that are not truly strong for him, and therefore beautiful, but only the dual is inherent in the ability with powerful and at the same time reasonable influence, often with humor, to suppress inappropriate manifestations of his partner precisely in the appropriate questions.

Dual is the first defender. He comes to the rescue in a situation when a partner is wounded, confused, and he, if he is nearby, induces an atmosphere where such painful things are generally impossible. Moreover, the dual to a certain extent transfers to the partner his ability to behave in appropriate situations and thus instills in him a sense of security, increases his social immunity. The dual is not able to seriously offend the dual, he always follows the capricious demands of the partner on aspects that are painful for the latter, and at the same time, gently pushes them to their correct understanding.

Duality is such an interesting phenomenon that in order to understand the essence of love, I recommend getting to know it better:

About dual relationships, team.

Dual relationships or full complement.

Duality is a vital necessity. Anatoly Grechinsky, Tatiana Pedan.

Ode to dual contact. Shulman G.A.

Naturally, it is necessary to make a reservation that if two duals met: a man and a woman, love will immediately flare up, of course not like this:

Disappointed in duality. Pushkarev E.A.

In addition to the relationships described here, there are other types of them, which are inferior in quality to dual ones, but are better than conflicting ones:

Table of relations between A. Augustinavichiute's sociotypes.

Other details "Socionics of love"

After acquaintance with duality, it becomes clear not only the essence of love, but also the fact that the myth of androgynes from Plato's treatise "The Feast" appeared not from pure fantasy, but from observations of happy married couples. Therefore, each person, not only in the time of Plato, but also now is a half, constantly yearning for the restoration of his former complete unity. This idea was repeatedly confirmed later:

History of the culture of love feelings. E. Pushkarev.

Love is an event for development, which is needed in addition to the best psychotypical compatibility - duality and other circumstances, but it is the leading one.

This modern theory of duality is best explained and confirmed by another phenomenon identified by ancient Greek culture - syzygy.
To designate the highest form of sexual love, V.S. Soloviev uses the concept of syzygy, which means "combination" in Greek. This word was used in the era of late antiquity to denote such a conjugation between a man and a woman, which is the basis of a strong marriage union.
With a dual set of psychological characteristics of personalities, a syzygy occurs based on the self of each in a couple, the result of which is interpersonal individual love.

This is how the wisdom of ancient times intersects and is confirmed by the discoveries of our time.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

E. Fromm wrote that "true love", "fruitful love" is "mature love", which means sexual passions, falling in love before maturity are only stages of personality formation.

"First love" is an important step in puberty. E. Pushkarev

From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony.

The essence of love can not only be checked, but also its quality can be determined according to the method of Zika Rubin:

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

In conclusion, it should be noted that several decades have passed since the essence of love was revealed, but it is still in the shadow of the usual delusions: “For us Westerners, who have absorbed a romantic liquor with our mother's milk, Belorukaya Isolde (a symbol of earthly love) seems to be a secondary figure. and the Beautiful Isolde".
Robert A. Johnson "We: The Deeper Aspects of Romantic Love"

Everything rests on unfavorable

Ecology of the culture of love. E. Pushkarev

Which needs to be healed somehow.

E Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is a page from the section The Psychology of Love

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

If you eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

The concept of "love". E. Pushkarev

Sigmund Freud about love.

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." more than 2000 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми