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Classifications of love relationships. E. Pushkarev

Classifications of love relationships

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Cognition begins with classification.
Carl Linnaeus

Determine the meanings of words, and you will save humanity from half of its delusions.
René Descartes

In a broad sense, love is an umbrella term covering a plurality of meanings and in order not to get confused and not get lost in these meanings, it is necessary to streamline and clarify them. For this, many classifications of love have been created, a small part of which is given in this chapter.

... love represents a kind of Austro-Hungarian empire, where under one cap are collected a lot of quite incompatible cognitive, emotional and behavioral phenomena.
B. Marstein

Having become acquainted with them, many questions arise. Therefore, the author has proposed his own classification, in which I try to answer the questions that arose in the study of previous classifications.

First, let"s split the entire array of available information about love into the part that is more confusing

"Love (in Russian) is full of antinomies (contradictions): it is ambivalent (two opposite feelings at the same time) - it includes a moment of hatred for your partner, together with pleasure it brings suffering, it is the result of a free choice of an object and extreme dependence on it" ... Doctor of Philology S.G. Vorkachev.

Let"s see what relation antinomies and ambivalences have to love or not?

For this, we will divide all the already existing love information into two unequal parts: "Cultural love" and "Natural love".

"Cultural love"

This is how culture explains the meanings, content, signs, feelings and presents love: literature, poetry, drama, philosophy, stage, etc. in the last 900 years, it can also be called a second signal:

“There is no problem so serious that love cannot solve it ... There is no door that love cannot open. There is no strait that love cannot bridge. There is no wall that love cannot crush ... No matter how serious the problem seems to you, how big a mistake, arm yourself with love - and you can fix and solve everything. If you love, you will become the happiest and strongest in the Universe".
Emmet Fox

"True love, always a rare flower, agonizes and disappears from the world, the world has become too low for her."
N.A. Berdyaev

“Love is a punishment, or maybe a reward,
And Maybe Together Both ".
R. I. Rozhdestvensky

“The concept of love, of course, belongs to such high spiritual abstractions, above which, according to R. Rozhdestvensky,“ a dead, airless space begins in the human soul ”. Doctor of Philology S.G. Vorkachev.

I propose to consider these statements as a dry residue that culture has given us.

The best way to define cultural love is the quote of the Mexican poet Octavio Paz:
“Love has nothing to do with nature. She is the lot of man, she is his limit, in other words - the fruit of his labors, created by him and does not exist in nature".

And a complementary clarification:
"LOVE IS A CHILD OF HISTORY, growing and developing with it"
R.G. Podolny

The study is carried out by philosophers, psychologists, psychiatrists, culturologists, literary critics, philologists, publicists, sociologists, etc. Moreover, this is seen not only as a cultural heritage in the form of a huge number of books and other carriers, but also how this heritage is embodied in our mentality, how it manifests itself in real life and what social and demographic consequences this leads to.
A whole section is devoted to the consideration of "Cultural Love" in the book,

Ecology of the culture of love.

Her story

Modern love.

Below is only a small fragment of it for initial acquaintance.
"Love? The invention of the twelfth century! "
Charles Seignobo

"Love was an invention of poets (troubadours of Provence), and poetry remained synonymous with love for a long time."
Nina Upton "Love and the French". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

From these and some other statements, we learn the date of birth of cultural love, and that it is the invention of poets. And from the very beginning cultural love, as it was later called "courtly love" then "romantic love" which is now being replaced by " confluent love " was a commercial project. Wealthy lords ordered a plot and paid poets, who wrote poetry and other works with inspiration. Quite quickly, writers and poets realized that this was a profitable occupation and "... sexual love during the last 8 centuries has become an obligatory axis around which all poetry revolves" F. Engels. Now this multi-billion dollar verbal, audiovisual business is booming like never before. If at that time the poets classified their work as "refined love", then later the amorous inventions of the poets took a course towards increasing the dramatic degree of their works.

Poets and playwrights, being people, among other things, and businessmen, keenly caught the demands of the public. The modern French researcher Georges Minois cites the observation of an observer in 1561: “If a playwright wants to please the public, he does everything so that there is as much devilry in the work as possible ... This is what can attract the public the most. This is what she likes the most".

Shakespeare decided that drama was already insipid in amorous plots and set a suicidal direction for his characters. Exactly two centuries after Romeo and Juliet, amorous suicidality entered Russian literature: N.M. Karamzin "Poor Liza". In Europe at the same time, a cult of unhappy love appears, love without reciprocity, which is portrayed as so sublime and beautiful that, even dying from it, the hero arouses admiration and envy.

If during Shakespeare"s time his suicidal works were greeted with caution with misunderstanding, then two centuries after the publication of the novel in the letters of JV Goethe "The Suffering of Young Werther", an epidemic of young people"s suicides from unhappy love swept across Europe.
The tragic fate of Anna Karenina L.N. Tolstoy did not invent it himself, but took it from life. Then it was an extremely rare exception, but now it is a daily one.

Research Ph.D. N.V. Oturgasheva showed that the main symbol of true love for student readers is the hero of A. Kuprin"s "Pomegranate Bracelet" telegraph operator Zheltkov: payments for love - it is not by chance that "the high poetry of unfulfilled love passes through all Russian literature, for only such love can remain eternal and unchanging."

Julia Lerner, an Israeli sociologist, having analyzed the discussions in various television talk shows, the content of the Russian press, after conducting an interview, she established that for Russians love remains “a destiny, a moral act and a value; it cannot be resisted, it requires sacrifice and involves suffering and pain".

"To die of love is to live by it."
V. Hugo

The tragic connection of "love" and death has not only taken root among the masses, has found its fans, but is growing to this day.

Excerpts from the forum of a youth site about love:

“I envy those people who can jump off the roof because of love. This is necessary, a person"s love is the biggest problem! That is, there is no more serious reason for suicide ... I want that too ”.

“I myself am an unsuccessful (unfortunately) suicide, and no matter how paradoxical it sounds, I like it ... I swallowed pills, cut my veins and poisoned myself with gas, but everything was in vain - someone always came and rescued me ... To be maybe it has become a part of my lifestyle ... I believe that suicide is one of the best ways of self-expression, a demonstration of inner Freedom and totalitarian Anarchy ... And suicide out of love is also beautiful ...".

“This is wonderful ... I have always dreamed and continue to dream that someone would die because of love for me. And if I love this person, our hearts will be reunited in heaven".

The page on which the topic of this forum was located was on the site and was replenished for several years, but after the presidential decree N 761 (1.06.12) and the campaign against the propaganda of youth suicide was removed. Another paradox of "cultural love" on the Internet, you cannot promote youth suicidality, but at school you can.

"Psychiatric confusion with love in school literature." E. Pushkarev

The fact that the statements on the forum are not empty fantasies is indicated by the sad statistics: According to the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation, 737 teenagers committed suicide in 2014. (2 teenagers per day) In 2013, Russia, according to the chief state sanitary doctor of the Russian Federation, academician of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences G. Onishchenko, again ranks first in Europe in the number of suicides among children and adolescents.
It is possible to note and thank the philologists for the fact that they revealed better than others, explained the meaningful characteristics of "cultural love".

“This is a malicious word“ love ”. E. Pushkarev

And psychiatrists to thank for helping to separate mental disorders

"Is love a disease?" E. Pushkarev

"Addictive (compulsive) love." M. Litvak


"True love, it is also compatible love." E. Pushkarev.

Therefore, for a serious classification of love relationships, it will be better if we do not use the fruits of "cultural love", we move away from it because of its excessive antinomy and ambivalence.

Therefore, it is necessary that science, with coarser touches and not at all for pleasure, should deal with the same questions, the poetic treatment of which people have enjoyed from time immemorial. These remarks should serve as an excuse for rigorous scientific treatment and questions of the person"s love life.
Z. Freud

"Natural love"

A different approach is proposed to the consideration of love as a natural, natural phenomenon, i.e. this is the interaction of a man and a woman as two psychological subjects of nature united by a "kinship of souls", without the slightest lyricism, romance, drama and sex, which is mandatory for the modern love concepts.

Meanwhile, there is no doubt that love is essentially a non-social and extra-social phenomenon and has nothing to do with society and family, this is a completely personal phenomenon, associated exclusively with the personality.
N.A. Berdyaev, "On the appointment of a person"

I am sure that the whole in love is not sexual attraction, bodily pleasure, communication or family, but a person (the subject of love is a person), therefore, everything listed in love is transformed and established in a new way. Doctor of Philosophy V.M. Rozin “To the distinction between love and sexuality (from romantic love to“ creative ”)”.

This is the same, but in other words, another Ph.D. puts it:

Love, in essence, does not need body contact. Moreover, the body is often the main obstacle to love, especially in its physiological manifestations. For love, it would be better to have an ethereal, angelic body, or what people should find in paradise. Doctor of Philosophy L.V. Zharov

"Love and lust".

Natural love is the result of the interaction of the best combination of two psychotypical systems (determining the kinship of souls, the unity of the worldview) based on constitutional, unchanged throughout a person"s life, psychological properties, personality characteristics.

To designate the highest form of sexual love, V.S. Soloviev uses the concept of syzygy, which in translation from Greek means "combination". This word was used in the era of late antiquity to denote such a conjugation between a man and a woman, which is the basis of a strong marriage union.

With a certain specific set of psychological characteristics of individuals, a syzygy occurs, based on the self of each in a pair, the result of which is an interpersonal philia.

Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.

Ie there is an interaction of two natural factors, one psychotype - a man, as a natural phenomenon with another psychotype - a woman, therefore, love is natural, without the slightest cultural burden.

It can also be called the first signal because it is based on real images, personal contacts and relationships, as it happens in animals, in people before the 11th century.

Love is an agonizing desire to reunite into a whole individuality, the desire of each half, each sex to find its other half, its other sex, a mysterious attraction to that which restores individuality.
N. A. Berdyaev

Today the typology of K.G. Jung, which is most fully developed and supplemented in socionics. When the best compatibility of psychotypes, there is love, friendship, at the worst, there is rejection, enmity. Natural love develops outside the laws of culture and even in spite of it. It can be assumed that the same patterns work both in the animal kingdom and in archaic cultures.

"History of the culture of love feelings". E. Pushkarev

To have an idea of how cultural love is related to natural love, we will use the following statements:

Voltaire: "Love is a natural fabric embroidered with imagination."

Natural fabric is natural love, and embroidery with imagination is cultural love.

Pitirima Sorokin: “... mental soaring, tears, groans, sighs, laughter, despair and hope, etc. - all these are just "patterns", only architectural decorations on the building of love ... ".
Natural love is a building, while psychic hovers, tears, groans, sighs, laughter, despair and hope, etc. - all these are just "patterns", they are architectural decorations, they are cultural love.

If the natural fabric, the building, by perfect chance, turned out to be strong and reliable love in marriage survives and flourishes, if not, then the divorce is a drama, of which there are much more.

Examples of true love.

Apart from philologists and psychiatrists, anthropologists have done a good job on the scientific study of love through the use of the latest biochemical methods and fMRI equipment - functional magnetic resonance imaging, it was possible to obtain enough objective data to reveal the mysteries of the nature of individual sexual love.

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Tomography of love.

It turned out that all the various plots of attraction between men and women in everyday understanding and literary presentation are referred to as falling in love, passion, and more often simply as love, these phenomena are not only significantly different in nature, have no connection with each other , and even health / disease located on opposite sides of the barricade. It was possible to identify a sufficient number of signs by which one can accurately distinguish love from falling in love, other pseudo-loving, near-loving feelings and disorders. These are summarized in the chapters that describe these feelings and disorders.
After we have received and systematized all the scientific results of the most diverse drives of men and women, they can be classified as four independent of each other, but often simultaneously occurring differently essential, emotional psychophysiological states:

1. Love Sustainable harmonizing, psychostimulating, meaning-forming state (attitudes and feelings) of exceptional acceptance, past the stages of inception and development, based on unchanging psychological functions throughout life (for example, K. Jung"s basis), and their better compatibility among partners, and therefore becomes stronger over the years and more beneficial.

More details:
Natural love. E. Pushkarev
The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.
What is love. E. Pushkarev.
The concept of "love". E. Pushkarev.
Is love an emotion, feeling or what? E. Pushkarev
Is love a disease? E. Pushkarev
Love test: “scale of love” by Z. Rubin. E. Pushkarev
How love is viewed in socionics. E. Pushkarev
True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.
Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.
Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

Intersexual individual love is the highest form of intimate relationships, but there are a number of similar, but inferior to it in terms of level, quality of feelings:

Okololyubov - love as a volitional act, as diligence and work based on the goodwill of both partners. This is a conscious rebuilding of relationships, the ability to get along, a habit, from "marriage-survival" to "marriage-development." Previously, it was called "reconcile, fall in love", now "well-matched couples." The most prominent supporters of such relations are Erich Fromm "The Art of Love" and Geri Chapman "Five languages of love" he called it" rational, strong-willed love".
The ancient Greeks even had several special terms to characterize this type of relationship: storge - understanding, guardianship, patronage; ennoya - giving; haris - gratitude and respect; pragma - a choice based on awareness and self-determination, etc.
Psychotherapy of family relationships.
Myths of pop - psychology of success.

Okolove, like love itself, can only be mutual - satisfied. And the main difference between them is that natural love is based on the self, and love on a sense of duty and volitional efforts.

Pseudo-love is a group of stable sex drives in varying degrees, different in nature, but similar in forms of manifestation, characterized by the desire for mutual intimate relationships and feelings. The term “pseudo-love” was introduced and decoded by E. Fromm: “the form is normal, in modern society, there are“ normal ”- common - social models of the pathology of love, acting as two forms of pseudo-love:
- love as mutual sexual satisfaction;
- love as “well-coordinated work” and a refuge from loneliness ”.

Yes, loneliness and sexual desires make falling in love easy, and there is nothing mysterious about it, but this is a success that leaves as quickly as it came.
E. Fromm: Falling in love is one of the forms of pseudo-love.

Pseudo-love can be both mutual - satisfied and one-sided - unsatisfied.

The 14th century Persian poet Hafiz claimed that the drunk and the lover belonged to "the same tribe." For them, life creates pleasure, expelling, at least for a while, the light of reason.

2. Natural Falling in love - This is the main mechanism of the reproductive instinct, one of the stages of age-related development.
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov: "This is a psychophysiological phenomenon that arose during evolution to provide a temporary bond of a couple in order to facilitate the conception of children and their feeding during the first few months or years of life." This is a complex, cyclically repetitive obsessive state of inclusion, the involvement of reproductive functions. It is characterized by hyperactivity of the body and all spheres of the psyche: intellectual, emotional, volitional, unconscious, somato-vegetative, sexual, hypermobilization of physical activity. There is also a mobilization of a number of nonspecific psychophysiological manifestations. This general activity causes a state of intoxication in love, a partial loss of objective perception of reality. (a person has an average duration of six months, the maximum according to H. Fischer is 30 months).
Both love and falling in love are anthropological phenomena related: the first to the improvement of the psychological structure of the personality, the second to the reproduction of offspring.

Falling in love and the behavior characteristic of lovers have been developed over millions of years of evolution - says Dr. of Biological Sciences. S. Savelyev.

The most striking discovery is that in humans and other animals, essentially the same systems of regulation of these complex forms of behavior work.
Oxytocin and vasopressin are regulators of family relationships in animals, including humans.
Animals in the central nervous system have very ancient neural circuits, neural networks that specialize specifically in the control of sexual and social behavior.
Ph.D. A. Markov

Neuroscientists define falling in love as "a dopaminergic goal-setting motivation to form paired bonds in order to give birth to offspring."

More details:
Falling in love. E. Pushkarev
I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev
Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

3. Poor quality falling in love - a large group of inter-sex drives from fake falling in love to psychological and even mental disorders, develop as a result of unresolved intrapersonal conflicts, low level of psychological health , unfavorable cultural ecology of love it was under its destructive influence that "cultural love" was formed.
According to E. Fromm: "unproductive or irrational love", "love-worship", "fake love "," sentimental love "," neurotic love "," immature form of love "or" symbiotic union ".
After E. Fromm, the terminology of these experiences and disorders has expanded significantly: "overselective love", "idolatrous love", "obsessive love", "love syndrome", "addictive love", "toxic love", "compulsive love", "Too much love", "more than love", "predatory love" , etc.
Poor quality of love can manifest itself:
- in a socially acceptable form - fake love when it is possible to use a powerful natural love program not for the evolutionary purpose of reproduction of offspring, it is "love scam "or libertinage, affair, romance, etc. their origins are sexual hunger - libido, lack of emotional stimuli, intolerance to loneliness or alienation as E. Fromm called it, when they want to escape from the depressing everyday life, when they are experiencing an internal crisis. In some cases, people with the help of falling in love are saved from depression, etc.

Yes, loneliness and sexual desires make falling in love easy, and there is nothing mysterious about it, but this is a success that leaves as quickly as it came.
E. Fromm
Falling in love is one of the forms of pseudo-love. "Erich Fromm about love" .

Love for an idle person is an occupation, for a warrior - entertainment, for a sovereign - a pitfall.
Napoleon I

"... when the kiss is over" (about a love story without love) V. Dolinsky
What is love, what is romance and what is the difference between them. - Robert A. Johnson

- as love addictions according to the International Classifier of Diseases (ICD-10) included in section F63. "Disorders of habits and impulses" - a classification of non-chemical forms of addictive behavior;

Love addiction is a type of additive behavior with fixation on one person, perceived as passionate love. This behavioral disorder leads to the impossibility of starting a family or destroys the family, to conflicts, crimes, suicide, psychosomatic and neurotic disorders. Patients with this disorder rarely seek psychological and medical help due to the low publicity of this disorder. Therefore, it is very important for the prevention of love addiction to inform the population about this disease and the differences between normal love and love addiction.
Candidate of Medical Sciences, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychiatry S. I. Voroshilin

More details:
Love addictions, a large collection of articles and books about love addictions, which our culture calls "addictive love" "overselective love "," neurotic love "," too much love "," more than love "," compulsive love "," toxic love ", etc. and people suffering from these disorders.
Poor quality falling in love. E. Pushkarev.
Poor quality falling in love - mania. E. Pushkarev.
Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.
Poor quality falling in love - eros. E. Pushkarev

4. Lust (lat. libido) - lust, sensual libido, “longing flesh ", acolasia (other gr.) - body pleasures, luxuria (Latin)," fals amore ", libido -" dark force of attraction "(according to Z. Freud ), “Genital tyranny” (according to V. Reich) the need for sexual satisfaction in relaxation is a purely biological, cyclical process consisting of several stages, each of which is accompanied by specific experiences, often not associated with specific relationships, and therefore impersonal.

Loneliness will set our nets more than once for us,
And we, naive, deceived, again,
Let us take the languor of the flesh for love.
A. S. Pushkin

It is most pronounced in people with a strong sexual constitution. At certain age periods , for example, adolescent, or pubertal hypersexuality, is caused in both men and women by the maximum production of testosterone, a similar surge is characteristic of spring.

Even the lust we feel for a woman is directed only towards the desire to get rid of the torment generated by ardent and violent desire; we only yearn to quench it and calm ourselves, free from this fever.
M. Montaigne

It is lust that owes the emergence of the "oldest profession" - prostitution.

People with weak sexual constitution at an older age have little or no lust.

There are four functions of lust and its sexual release: reproductive, hedonistic (as a source of pleasure), hygienic (as a condition for maintaining psychological health) and behavioral (as an element of intimate communication).

All articles, books and videos about sex, orgasms (M and F) and their significance.

More about the difference love and lust (lust, sex)

Love, if you can call love
Of the mad lust of female power,
More Dangerous than Monsters, More Dangerous than a Storm.

The list of seven deadly sins among Christians includes lust (lust).

The leaders of the cadet corps, fatherly caring for the health of the young men under their care, issued orders allowing senior cadets, after a medical examination, to visit a brothel above the middle category assigned to the school. The main rule of officer honor, which was instilled in the cadets in this regard, was never to visit such institutions "on credit" (second half of the 19th century).
I.A. Holosenko

In the diaries of L.N. Tolstoy admits that there were moments in his life when he wandered around the garden with "foggy eyes", wanting only one thing - to drag the maid or the cook into the bushes and take her roughly, like an animal.
Similar affective experiences in women are described as "a state of excessive (spontaneous) sexual hospitality", more often they occur during ovulation, intoxication.

Of the passions, the most powerful, wicked and stubborn is sexual, carnal love, and therefore if passions are destroyed, and the last, the most powerful of them is carnal love, then the prophecy will be fulfilled: people will unite together, the goal of humanity will be achieved ...
by L. N. Tolstoy

In carnal love there is no place for reverence and respect for a beloved creature, which is why it awakens the beast in a person, it doesn"t matter if he is seized with anger or an outburst of passion.
A. Dode

Dante placed people with a similar disposition of thoughts, drives in the second circle of hell:
And I learned that this is a circle of torment
For those whom the earthly flesh called,
Who betrayed the mind to the power of lust.

The "eternal" triumvirate, the driving force of this material world - Power, Money and Sex.
Stephen Russell "The Eternal Dance of Yin and Yang". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...".

Sexual lust, by its very nature, gives the sharpest of pleasures; Having been brought up for millennia, as the main joy of life, it grows, it seems to me, into a special psychosis that was not known to ancient mankind and will probably disappear in the future.
M.O. Menshikov, 19th century philosopher.

Within the living, which reproduce exclusively sexually (the vertebrate division), the higher we climb the ladder of organisms, the less the force of reproduction becomes, and the force of sexual desire, on the contrary, is greater.
V. S. Soloviev

Sexual harmony and satisfaction is the third most important factor on which the well-being and stability of a marriage depends, after spiritual and psychological compatibility in spouses who are married for up to 10 years, and after spiritual and everyday compatibility - in those who have lived together from 10 to 15 years.
D. Philos. S. I. Golod

Sociologist Pitirim Sorokin attributed the manifestations of sexuality and people"s needs for these manifestations to one of the three main motives that have a huge impact on the fate of entire states and peoples. Sexual instinct, along with food and safety instinct, he referred to the category of "basic" or "basic" instincts.

... animals do not know that great sexual pleasure, often bordering on emotional shock and even insanity, which is inherent in humans.
D.philos.n. V.F. Shapovalov (2013) "Man and Woman: Love, Family, Marriage." The book is in our library

... I think that in the modern world ninety percent of what is associated with the word "love" is fiction. Why? Yes, because we are humans only by a few percent, that is, exactly as much as the cortex occupies in the total volume of the brain. Everything else is the limbic system inherited from reptiles. It is she who is responsible for sexual behavior, that is, for love . When the cortex is inactive, and only the limbic system is on, the brain consumes nine percent of the energy, but when the cortex is on, the brain requires twenty-five percent. Moreover, the brain pays for the silence of the cortex with the release of endorphins - a kind of organic drug. Not thinking is profitable and insanely pleasant. When we have before us the choice between rational activity and "pipiskin jumping", the choice is made, of course, in the direction of pipiskin. It is an eternal balance between the two systems - the ancient and the rational.
Professor, Doctor of Biological Sciences. S. Saveliev

The whole complexity of the love riddle that existed for many centuries was that all the innumerable plots of drives between men and women are formed by these four mental emotional states that are different in nature (different periods of evolutionary origin, origins, course, completion). Each of these states - psychological mechanisms - has its own neural correlate in the brain, which are called brain modules, or brain relay systems. Each system is responsible for its own specific sensory and behavioral repertoire.

Even Z. Freud believed that “sensual” and “gentle” drives are autonomous in nature, and that repressed sexuality lies at the heart of all neuroses.

Sexual relationships in love as a source of personal growth. T. Vlasova

Each brain system has evolved to rationalize, improve the efficiency of various aspects of reproduction, socialization:

Love , arose for millions of years before humans, to foster a healthy and harmonious offspring (in humans this is only possible filogamnoy family) makes a society, the kind of rage, anger, self-destruction.

Falling in love arose millions of years before the appearance of man, to force the male and female to focus their attention on mating with a chosen individual.

Substandard fell in love these are failures and painful mistakes in the natural course of evolution, civilizational and cultural development, have always been.

Lust evolved to motivate the male to strive for sexual intercourse with the largest number of partners, females to choose the male with the best genes, arose many millions of years before the advent of man.

In this classification, the independent separation of love / lust is not done as it is done in "platonic love" using a vertical rating scale, one high another low, but using a horizontal one.

Love and lust are so different, excluding each other, even opposite states that at those moments when a person really loves, it is completely impossible for him to think about bodily union with a beloved being. And he is lying who claims that he still loves the woman he wants to possess - or he never knew what love is ... Sexual attraction grows with bodily approach, love grows most of all in the absence of a loved one, to maintain itself she needs separation, a certain distance ... The death of true love is achieved by some unintentional bodily touch to the beloved: it evokes sexual passion and - in an instant kills love ... So there is platonic love, although the professors of psychiatry do not recognize it. I would even say: there is only "platonic" love. For everything that, except for her, is called love, is simply disgusting. There is only one love: love for Beatrice, adoration of the Madonna. There is a Babylonian harlot for intercourse.
O. Weininger "Gender and Character". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Imaginary platonic love. K. Vasilev

Both of these drives are equally important and significant in a person"s life and ignoring, raising one of them can ruin the other, and indeed the whole life.

"Love and sexual desire are activated by separate but related areas in the brain - different zones of the striatum, or striatum," revealed by a team of researchers at Concordia University in Canada led by Professor Jim Pfaus.

Philologists have revealed that the most common understanding of the meaning of the word "love" in the everyday consciousness of Russian speakers is "a feeling of warm heartfelt inclination, attraction to a person of the opposite sex."

If we pay special attention to the temperature gradient from this definition in the four states described above, we get:

Love this stable comfortable - a warm state until the end of the century, and by old age its warming only becomes more beneficial.

Falling in love it is violent and bright, even a blinding fire, uneven burning can not only fade out, but also go into the chilling cold of jealousy. Most often, after six months, the combustion begins to subside and soon:

No person can become more a stranger than the one you loved in the past.
E. Remarque

Substandard fell in love this is a wide range of mental manifestations from socially acceptable - warming heat to clinic - heart fever, incinerating heat, volcanic eruption, in which a person himself may die if he does not have time to consult a specialist.

The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev

Lust it can be cool, warm, scalding hot, but it does not belong to the feeling of "heart inclination" its driver - testosterone is synthesized elsewhere.

And these four psychophysiological states are manifested: always in very different dynamic combinations. This is also how all melodies are formed from combinations of seven notes, so all love stories, experiences, drives are formed from these states.

Love is a real tangle of paradoxes. It exists in so many different forms and variations that you can say whatever you want about it - and most likely you will be right.
G. Fink, scientist at the court of Queen Victoria

Love has a thousand aspects, and each of them has its own light, its own sorrow, its own happiness and its own fragrance.
K. Paustovsky

Love is an ailment, the symptoms of which manifest themselves differently each time.
A. Morua

A person is born with a large number of innate programs of behavior that have arisen at different evolutionary times, due to which they often contradict each other. The mechanisms for the implementation of congenital behavior programs are only capable of a signature analysis of the situation, which presupposes a formally superficial comparison of the situation with the schematic signal signs embedded in these programs. And then there are cultural attitudes actively intervening, introducing additional confusion into the adequate perception of what is happening.

From modern neurophysiological and biochemical studies of love relationships occurring in the body and brain structures of lovers, Helen Fisher concludes that we have three different brain structures that provide the ability to experience different types of love in the same period of time: sex drive , romantic love (romantic love) and a sense of deep enduring affection. H. Fischer writes: “it is biologically possible to show a feeling of deep affection for the primary (primary) partner, while being romantically in love with another and at the same time feel sexual attraction to even more people ... this allows us to be socially monogamous and secretly cheating at the same time "(Fisher H., 1994).

Sufficient coincidence of external conditions with these signal signs generates one or another emotion that prompts a person to implement the corresponding instinctive program. In this case, the true motivation of actions is not recognized - for the rational explanation of instinctively motivated behavior, the most random arguments are used, which are in the nature of fitting to the answer.

A person does not have an innate gift to distinguish love from pseudo-love, which can manifest itself in a variety of combinations. That is why up to 80% of those entering into marriage report that they do it for love, but in fact, according to falling in love , it passes, in a year half, in three years, two-thirds of them will divorce. And of the surviving marriages, 70% of the spouses will live the rest of their lives in tense relations, for them even a special term was invented - "prisoners of marriage."

There are many versions of classifications, theories, models of love, their origins go back to ancient times. From ancient literary sources, it can be traced that people paid attention to the fact that some love passionately with anguish, others calmly, reliably until death. These observations even found their reflection in the ancient Greek language, originating from the most ancient, cultural civilization. Therefore, the ancient Greek language itself was the first and most complete classifier of amorous instincts. There were many terms in it to designate spiritual, mental, bodily love. Until now, this is the most meaningful and useful classification of love states formed under the influence of various sexual desires:

“According to the widespread opinion,” writes Doctor of Philosophy RG Apresyan, “the ancients were much more aware of the nuances in human relationships and feelings and had appropriate linguistic means to express their understanding of different experiences of love. a stable set of corresponding Greek words ...".

philia - love-affection, love-sympathy, love-friendship, assuming free individual choice;
storge - generic indissoluble bond, love-affection;
agape (caritas, lat.) - sacrificial, selfless love for one"s neighbor, benevolence, mercy;
pragma - “practical” love balanced by a meaningful choice;
eros - sensual love;
mania - love-obsession, love-addiction;
ludus - love game, and win as much as possible, spending as little energy as possible;
eunoia love - giving;
potos - lust;
aphrodisia - "affairs of Aphrodite";
akolasia - pleasures of the body, were terms denoting pleasures delivered through sight, hearing and smell;
haris - love - gratitude and respect;
latreya - "reverent worship", "cult service", love-reverence.

In the ancient Greek language, there were other terms that emphasized various aspects of love attraction.

If the Russian language had such a richness of terminology, it would have been possible to avoid many personal, social dramas and tragedies.

But Benedict Spinoza believed that there are as many types of feelings as there are types of objects, that is, an infinite number.

And L.N. Tolstoy also believed: "If how many heads, so many minds, then how many hearts, so many kinds of love."

Canadian psychologist and sociologist John Alan Lee used six of these terms to create his classification, filling them with specifying signs. They partly depend on a person"s temperament, although the level of his spiritual maturity and upbringing also matter. It should be borne in mind that pure types of love (as well as pure types of temperaments) are rare, and more often love is mixed: dashes from other types can be added to the basis of one type of love.

1. Agape. She is "you" focused, full of altruism and adoration, she is patient and full of enduring affection. He who loves with such love is ready to forgive everything, even betrayal.
Agape is based on the traditional Christian view, according to which love requires nothing in return, it kind, patient and constant. This love is associated with Jesus Christ.
According to Lee, approximately 7% of people are predisposed to experiencing this type of love.
An example of love - agape can be Chekhov"s Darling, the love of the Lomonosov spouses. The Academy of Sciences of Russia Mikhail Vasilyevich Lomonosov (at the age of 26) was sent to study in Germany in the city of Marburg. There he settled in an apartment with the Tsirkh family, with the owners" daughter, Elizaveta Khristina (she was 16 years old), he had an affair. After two years of study, Mikhail Vasilyevich had a conflict with some professors of the University of Marburg, because of which he transferred to the University of Freiburg. By this time, their romance had grown into a great and deep feeling, Elizabeth was pregnant. After the birth of their daughter, they got married, although Elizabeth"s parents were not delighted with this marriage.
After returning to Moscow, Mikhail Vasilyevich was appointed to the post of adjunct with a small salary, and for several more years he could not bring his wife and daughter from Germany. As soon as his financial situation improved, he immediately moved his family to Moscow. They lived with Elizaveta Andreevna (this name she took after her Orthodox baptism) for almost 30 years in perfect harmony. Contemporaries called her the coast. Elizaveta Andreevna lived for her husband, she understood that he was an extraordinary scientist and person, so she tried to do everything so that he could work and live well.
Mikhail Vasilyevich was quick-tempered, and sometimes harsh, and his loving wife knew how to extinguish his anger, calm him down, relieve nervous overload. Thus, she saved him from many official and everyday troubles.
Elizaveta Andreevna can be called the first Russian woman - an entrepreneur, since after the death of Mikhail Vasilyevich she tried to continue his business - the construction of a factory for the production of colored glass. She failed to complete the construction of the factory, she did not have enough funds. And a year and a half after the death of her beloved husband, she died.

Love is a mask on the procreation instinct.
A. Schopenhauer

2. Storge is love similar to parental tenderness, understanding, love, guardianship, patronage, adoration "without fever, without confusion and recklessness, peaceful and enchanting affection" (Proudhon). It develops gradually - not as a "blow of an arrow", but as a slow blossoming of a bud, germination of roots and their going into the depths.
For them, there is no way of life, they like the usual course of household chores, the habit does not extinguish their feelings. They take pleasure in knowing a loved one, anticipating how he will respond to their actions. They deeply trust each other, they are not afraid of infidelity, knowing that their inner attraction to each other will not fade away from the passion of one of the spouses on the side. Sex in such love is clear and simple, lovers consider it a continuation of spiritual intimacy, and it does not enter their relationship immediately, at the later stages of rapprochement.
Storge is a strong and enduring type of love that withstands any test. Such love can even endure a long separation, as did the famous love of Penelope for Odysseus, the ancient prototype of the storge.

In love, as in everything, experience is a doctor who appears after an illness.
N. Lanklo

3. Pragma - balanced and, in a certain sense, "practical" love. Pragma is not only a type of love, but also a way of finding it; a lover selects a partner based on well-thought-out requirements for him. When a suitable candidate is finally found and mutual understanding is reached, pragmatic love develops into a stronger and deeper feeling.
A true pragmist cannot love someone who is not worthy of love. He sees to the smallest detail all the value or non-value of a person. Love for him is as much a matter of the head as of the heart, and he consciously guides his feelings.
He is disinterested towards his beloved: he helps him to reveal himself, does good, makes life easier, remains faithful to him in trials. The pragma has an advantage over other love feelings: over time, it becomes warmer, more soulful, more desirable.
Pragma is not at all "lower", but a full-fledged, natural feeling for a person, characteristic of people with a logical, rational type of thinking, giving positive emotions, healthy, full-fledged offspring.

“Rational, strong-willed love - this is the love to which the sages have always called us. It is a love that unites cause and emotion and includes an act of will, requires discipline, and also recognizes the need for personal growth. We cannot take credit for all those good and generous deeds that we did under the influence of this "obsession." We are carried away and carried by the force born of instinct. But if we, returning to the real world of choice, choose kindness and generosity, then this is true love. It is the decision to spend energy on efforts that will benefit the other person, the knowledge that if his or her life becomes richer thanks to your efforts, then you too will receive satisfaction, the essence of which is that you truly loved someone. This does not require the euphoria of the state of being in love". G. Chapman.
He believes that true love cannot begin before falling in love has exhausted itself. Obviously, speaking of "true love", G. Chapman means pragma love.

Five languages of love. Geri Chapman

All lovers swear to do more than they can, and do not even do the possible.
W. Shakespeare.

4. Mania is a violent and overwhelming feeling. It is associated with madness and confusion. The lover is constantly seized with the desire to "demand signs of love and attention from the beloved." In this state, ecstatic outbursts are interspersed with despair. This feeling is like a "roller coaster": steep dizzying ups and downs lead to a sudden and precipitous ending.

They lose their mind in love, but in marriage they notice this loss.
M. Safir

5.Ludus is a kind of feeling that resembles flirting. According to this scheme, lovers are easily involved in the game and, as a rule, do not require any serious obligations from each other. A man can have several partners, which makes it possible to choose, and avoids dependence on one or the other. People associate sex with the role of an amusing game, a hobby, rather than a deep intimate feeling.

True love cannot speak because true feeling is expressed in deeds rather than words. W. Shakespeare.

6. Eros (from the Greek erasthai, meaning passion, irresistible desire) implies a feeling based on physical attraction and, accordingly, manifested in a strong sensual, sexual attraction. Lee believes that "erotic love" is like a spark: it flashes easily and then goes out. It rarely leads to deep and lasting relationships.
Eros was called by the Romans: "pontifex", which means "bridge builder".

Mumtaz and Jahan

The most ancient classifications of love relationships include KAMA - SUTRA.
“Love is distinguished by the depth and intensity of feelings and it can be recognized by the following signs: the look of a of a person in love is passionate; his thought is in the clouds; in love suffers from insomnia; his body grows weak; he renounces what he has always loved; loses shame; turns pale; he becomes insane and slowly dies".
Experts versed in this science, there are four kinds of love.
1. Love born of constant habit.
It is a kind of love - the result of constantly involving the senses in activities such as hunting, horseback riding , etc.
2. Love arising from imagination.
This is a kind of love - the result of indirect actions dictated by feelings, their anticipation.
3. Love arising from belief in yourself and belief in others.
The love of this category is recognized mutually by a man and a woman, and it is so convincing that others will recognize it.
4. Love resulting from the perception of external objects.
Perception and enjoyment of external objects are also the result of amorous pleasure, which we can easily recognize. This kind of love, in essence, generates and includes the three above. Guided by the text, a person is able to distinguish between these types of love and decide for himself which of them he will accept at the appropriate time, after determining the inclination of the other person towards him.

"Stendhal is one of those who love to love." In his book The Intimate Life of Stendhal, Abel Bonnard writes: “From women he only demands confirmation of their illusions. He falls in love so as not to feel lonely; however, in truth, three-quarters of his love relationship is the fruit of his own imagination".

Stendhal, in his treatise On Love, wrote about the four types of love.
1. Love is passion ... Eloise"s love for Abelard ...
2. Love is an attraction that reigned in Paris in 1760 and which can be found in the novels of that time.
This is a picture where everything, down to the shadows, should be pink, where nothing unpleasant should sneak under any pretext, because this would be a violation of fidelity to custom, good tone, tact, etc. A person of good origin knows in advance all the techniques that he uses and which he will encounter in various phases of this love: there is nothing passionate and unforeseen in it, and it is more often more graceful than real love, for there is a lot of intelligence in it; it is a cold and beautiful miniature compared to a painting of one from Karachi, and while love - passion makes us sacrifice all our interests, love - attraction always knows how to adapt to them.
3. Physical love.
Trap on the hunt a beautiful and fresh peasant woman running away into the forest. ... Everyone is familiar with love based on pleasures of this kind; no matter how dry and unhappy a man may have at sixteen, he starts with this.
4. Love is vanity.
The vast majority of men, especially in France, desire and possess women who are in fashion, like beautiful horses, as a necessary luxury item for a young man; more or less flattered, more or less excited, vanity gives rise to impulses of delight.

Passions are misleading because they focus all our attention on one side of the subject in question and prevent us from exploring it comprehensively. K. Helvetius.

P. Uspensky, a famous American esotericist, a disciple of G. Gurdjieff, made his classification of love through the classification of women.
"... For every man, all women in the world are divided into several categories, this division depends on the degree of their possible physical and emotional influence on him - and is completely unrelated to what he or she expresses tastes, sympathy, inclinations.
A woman of the first category, of which every man has very few, awaken in him a maximum of feelings, desires, imagination and dreams. They attract him to themselves with irresistible force, in spite of all obstacles and obstacles, often even to his great amazement. In the case of mutual love, they cause him maximum sensations. Such women remain eternally new and eternally unknown to him. A man"s curiosity towards them never diminishes; their love never becomes a habit for him, possible or explicable. An element of the miraculous and the impossible always remains in her, and his feeling remains unfading.
Women of the second category, of which each man has much more, also attracts him; but in this case the feelings are more easily controlled by the mind or external circumstances. This kind of love is calmer; it fits more easily into conventional norms, both external and internal; it can turn into a feeling of friendship or sympathy, it can weaken and disappear, but it always leaves behind fond memories.

Before the wedding I thought I knew her like five fingers. But after it turned out that they were all index marks. D. Glukhov, Belgorod

Women of the third category leave a man indifferent. If they are young and attractive, they can influence his imagination, but not in a direct way, but through some other vital interest: (for example, through pride, vanity, material considerations, community of interests, sympathy, friendship). But this feeling, coming from outside, does not last long and quickly disappears. At the same time, the sensations are weak and colorless. The first satisfaction, as a rule, completely depletes all interest. If the first sensations were vivid enough, they sometimes turn into their opposite - antipathy, hostility, and the like.
Women of the fourth category are even less interested in men. Occasionally they attract; he may deceive himself into thinking that they are attracted to him. But the physical relationship with them contains a tragic element: the man does not like them at all. The continuation of an intimate relationship with them is a mechanical violence against a person and can severely affect the nervous system, cause sexual impotence and other phenomena characteristic of the lower sex.
Of course, one must bear in mind that women who belong to the same category for one man may belong to a completely different category for another man; in addition, different people may have more or less categories".
In the distant history, there were other proposals, the relationship to the feelings of love between a man and a woman.
In Plato"s utopia, marriage is concluded for a year, after a year it was replaced so that every man had fifteen to twenty wives in his life, each woman fifteen to twenty husbands.
Husbands and wives are chosen by lot. Children do not know their fathers and mothers; from the day they are born, they are transferred to community homes. Plato does not have a family, there are only love couples that arise and break up every year.
This is what Plutarch writes about ancient Sparta in his Comparative Biographies. "Lycurgus was the first to decide that children do not belong to their parents, but to the entire state." When the boys were 7 years old, Lycurgus took them from their parents, and distributed them to the detachments so that they lived, played, and worked together. “The main consequence of this lifestyle was the habit of obedience.
In those days, the Spartans did not have jealousy and did not have a possessive attitude towards their wives. The Spartan allowed to have a relationship with his wife to the one who asked about it, so that she suffered from him, but the woman still remained in her husband"s house, and the bonds of legal marriage were not broken".

There are popular theories of love, which have no authors, but they are quite tenacious. One of them may be "one loves, the other allows you to love."
As an example:
Ogarev"s third wife, Mary (formerly a London prostitute), with whom he lived for 18 years in peace and harmony until his death, did not even understand Russian, much less his poetry or political activities. But she adored him, created all the conditions for a normal life and work for him, i.e. was just a wife, without any additional pretensions. “Mary Sutherland, writes Lydia Lebedinskaya in the story about Ogarev, idolized him without understanding. And over the years, Ogarev began to think that this was probably natural, if so, and no longer tried to explain anything. However, it was not necessary for Mary. Everything that her husband did, deliberately seemed to her in the halo of immutable justice and rightness".

... In the utopian city of the Sun of Campanella, there were three rulers - Power, Wisdom and Love. But this Love is still far from love. In general, Campanella does not have love, she has love affairs that go under the supervision of doctors and bosses. He calls people "producers", and "procreation" stands in the place of love.
Bosses determine who is capable and who is sluggish to copulate, and which men and women are more suitable for each other in their body structure. Women stately and beautiful unite only with stately and strong men; the fat ones - with the thin ones, and the thin ones with the fat ones, so that they balance each other well and usefully.

V.S. Soloviev The outstanding Russian philosopher V.S. Soloviev described in the treatise "The Meaning of Love".
He sees five possible ways of development in love - two false and three true.

The first false path of love is "hellish" - a painful unrequited passion. The second, also false - "animal" - indiscriminate satisfaction of sexual desire.

The third way (the first true) is marriage. The fourth is asceticism. The highest, fifth way is Divine love, when not sex appears before us - “half of a person”, but a whole person in the union of masculine and feminine principles. Man becomes in this case "superman"; it is here that he solves the main task of love - to perpetuate his beloved, to save him from death and decay.

The only force that is able to curb innate egoism without abolishing individuality, but, on the contrary, affirming and raising it, is love. Therefore, the meaning of human love is the justification and salvation of individuality through the sacrifice of selfishness.
V.S. Soloviev

More details: The theory of love of the philosopher V.S. Solovyova

Benedict Spinoza Benedict Spinoza classified love according to three sources from which it can originate:
opinions, correct concepts and from what you heard.

Only love from correct concepts leads to the highest good, since it is associated with cognitive love for God and the absence of affects. A person, relying on the idea (opinion) of the good, seeks to find and connect with him, but when he finds the best, he turns his love from one beloved to another. Love, born of what he heard, is a priori and similar to a child"s faith in the natural rightness of his father's words.

In modern classifications love of a man and a woman , several approaches can be distinguished:

          - the concept of love associated with the levels of the human need sphere. Psychological schools: classical versions of psychoanalysis and behaviorism - correlate love with the needs of the body and natural subject. Biologizing theories of love reveal its meaning through the needs of the species (continuation of the genus). Later, love is associated with the cognitive need of the subject (creating an image of the world) in cognitive psychology (the level of a social cultural subject), with the need for social contact (the level of a social cultural subject) in gestalt psychology. In humanistic psychology, love is correlated with the needs of the moral subject: in self-actualization, increasing the level of psychological health, self-realization, personal self-improvement (the highest level of the human need sphere).

          - division of theories of love into pessimistic and optimistic. In the pessimistic model, love is postulated as a reflection of personal inadequacy, weakness and imperfection of a person (Z. Freud, L. Kasler, J.P. Sartre, A. Afanasyev, feminist position), in the optimistic one - the constructive power of love, as a mutual feeling of adequate personalities (A. Maslow, J. Lee, R. May, R. Hatiss, Z. Rubin, V. Mustein, E. Fromm, the one offered on our site ).

Pessimistic love models:

By L. Kasler.

He identifies three reasons that make a person fall in love:
1) the need for recognition;
2) satisfaction of sexual needs;
3) conformist reaction (as is customary). According to Kasler, love is a fusion of a set of emotions, among which the leading role is played by the fear of losing the source of satisfying one's needs. Falling in love , constructed by the constant fear of losing it, makes a person unfree, dependent and interferes with personal development. He connects the positive emotional state of a lover with a person's gratitude for satisfying his needs. Therefore, a free person does not feel love.

Love is a panic fear of losing a person.
People's Artist of Russia A. Shirvindt

Not only can I not imagine my life without my wife, I feel terrified if such a thought flashes through. Such a thought plunges me into horror, cold sweat, trembling: "God forbid." I can interrupt this rush only with the thought: “life will inevitably end, if only it would not end before mine.
People's Artist of Russia Ilya Oleinikov. He was buried on 11/14/12 at the Kazan cemetery in the suburbs of St. Petersburg.

J.-P. Sartre formulates the triple destructibility of love: first, love is a source of self-deception, an unfulfilled desire to be loved; secondly, love always doubts the lover, providing a person with his primary being, lost in the state of material property in mass culture; thirdly, love relies on proof of the absolute value of a loved one, which is constantly relativizing.

According to J.-P. Sartre's love is a game around the freedom of lovers, and the sacrifice of one's own freedom becomes evidence of love, but at the same time love for the unfree disappears, and the proof of love becomes its limit. Only the intrigue of deception, the gift of freedom in an imaginary form, preserves love as self-deception. Based on the theory of J.-P. Sartre, in modern mass culture, love is understood not as a force that makes it possible for individuality to degenerate, but as a sexual play in a narrow space.

It is revealed that J. Bataille, J.-P. Sartre, J. Baudrillard consider love as an unstable state, that is, in their concepts, love is replaced by passion.
... Consideration of love in the categories of passion, eroticism, temptation allows us to formulate a synthesis of the phenomena of play and love in modern culture, which indicates the playful nature of this culture. Doctor of Philosophy O.I. Nikolina

Feminist stance

“... in love there is nothing but a relationship based on the domination of a man who deceitfully dresses up in clothes that promise blessings to a woman. Without these clothes, nothing of what we call love will remain".
Gilbert P. (Oxford UK-Cambridge USA, 1991)

Love and social subordination of women.

A. Maslow

Optimistic model of love by A. Maslow.

He deduced it from his theory, according to which he divided human psychology into deficit and existential. Maslow also subdivided love into these two types: deficit (D-love) and existential (B-love). Maslow systematizes the differences between these two types of love in ten points:

1. B- love is realized with joy, it is completely and completely pleasant, it is rather admiration than attraction, and therefore it does not bring troubles and almost always gives pleasure.

2. B-love is unsaturated, you can enjoy it endlessly, usually it increases, and does not wane. She is an end, not a means.

3. The experience of being love is often described as being similar to an aesthetic or mystical experience.

4. B-love expresses a therapeutic or "psychogogic," as Maslow calls it, a transformational effect, which refers not only to sexual love, but to maternal love or love of God.

5. B-love gives a much higher and richer subjective experience than D-love, according to everyone who has the opportunity to compare them.

6. D-love can be satisfied, but the concept of “satisfaction” is hardly applicable to B-love.

7. B-love, unlike D-love, contains practically no hostility and anxiety.

8. Lovers experiencing B-love are less dependent on each other, more autonomous, less afraid and anxious, more individual and selfless, and at the same time more eager to help the other in self-actualization, more proud of their successes, more altruistic and generous.

9. B-love allows you to truly penetrately perceive another, it is not only an emotional, but also a cognitive reaction, and Maslow claims that it is not love that is blinded, but, on the contrary, its absence.

10. It is B-love in a certain sense that creates a partner, it gives him self-respect, self-acceptance, the feeling that he is worthy of love - all this ensures his growth.

in more detail Deficient love and love of life A. Maslow. R.Frager, D.Fademan

Pitirim Sorokin

Kinds of love proposed by the Russian-American sociologist Pitirim Sorokin. (1949).

Modern love. (1950) P.A. Sorokin

He distinguished seven types of love: religious (love for God), ethical (comparing love with values such as good, truth, beauty), ontological (love related to unity, harmony, enrichment and inspiration), physical (love expressed through the affirmation of the unity, integration and ordering of the energy of the universe), biological (love expressed sexually, romantically and through passion), psychological (love expressed emotionally through the manifestation or testing of empathy, sympathy, kindness and benevolence) and social (love expressed in interactions or relationships due to mutual exchange, mutual assistance and altruism).

With regard to these types of love, P.A. Sorokin also distinguishes five of their characteristics: intensity, extensiveness, duration, purity and self-sufficiency. Intensity ranges from zero to infinity; extensiveness - from love for oneself to love for humanity and all living beings; duration - from the shortest moment to love throughout life; the purity of love ranges from “love for love's sake” (love as an end in itself) to “polluted love” (love as a means); self-sufficiency of love ranges from the absolute identity of the subjective goals of the action of love and their objective consequences to their complete divergence.

R.J. Sternberg (triangular love)
According to the author, "love can be understood in the presence of three components, which together can be considered as the vertices of an isosceles triangle." The three peaks are: An intimate component (having a close relationship): a desire to improve the well-being of a loved one, a feeling of happiness with a loved one, deep respect for a loved one, mutual understanding, receiving and providing spiritual support, sexual relations, the significance of a loved one in life;
Component of passion - romance, sexual attraction, sexual intercourse; as additional needs - self-esteem, superiority over others, submission to others, self-realization; The decision / commitment component includes two aspects - the decision of the person, whether he loves or not (short period of relationship); a person's obligation to maintain this love (long-term relationship).
Another triangular model of love was proposed by V.V. Stolin, A.S. Spivakovskaya:

Love can also be represented as a three-dimensional model of relationships: sympathy / antipathy, respect / contempt, closeness / distance.

L.N. Tolstoy, through the mouth of Anna Karenina, offers his version of the classification of love: "... If there are so many heads, so many minds, then how many hearts, so many kinds of love."
But this version may have such a continuation. In the novel "War and Peace" Lev Nikolaevich described with documentary accuracy four, rather different versions of Natasha Rostova's love / love: Boris Drubetskoy, Andrei Bolkonsky, Anatol Kuragin and family love with Pierre Bezukhov. There are several loves / loves per heart, which means that the number of births of love increases by the same amount?
In addition to triangular theories of love, there is also a pentagonal one.
Pederson and Shoemaker (1993) understand love as a fivefold phenomenon, which includes:
1) compatibility - activity carried out only with a romantic partner;
2) expression - verbal and non-verbal expression (manifestation) of inclination and affection;
3) intention and communication - awareness of the love partner's problems and the ability to discuss and solve these problems;
4) romance - the presence of idealized attitudes in relation to love relationships, emphasizing excitement in the presence of a loved one;
5) sensitivity and spontaneity - the willingness to respond to the spontaneous desires of a partner.

Rollo May's theory of love.
May points out that in the West 4 types of love are traditionally distinguished:
• Sex, lust, libido;
• Eros, love as a desire for reproduction or creativity - the highest, according to the ancient Greeks, forms of being and relationships between people;
• Filia, or friendship, brotherly love;
• Agape, concern for the welfare of another person, the prototype of which is God's love for a person.
Every person's feeling of true love is a mixture (in varying proportions) of all four types of love. According to the author, eros saves sex from self-destruction. But eros cannot exist without affection (philia), brotherly love and friendship. The tension of constant attraction and constant passion would be unbearable if it were never interrupted. Affection is relaxation in the presence of a loved one, based on the recognition of a person in another person; this state, when we like to be with another, like the rhythm of his gait, voice, the whole being of the other. This gives eros breadth, gives it time for development, time to take root deeper. Affection does not require a person to take any specific actions for the sake of a loved one, except for the recognition of a significant other, being close to him and experiencing joint joy. This is friendship in its simplest and most direct manifestation. Filia, in turn, suggests agape. May defines agape as a high appreciation of another, as caring for the well-being of another without any benefit for oneself, as disinterested love , like the love of God to man. However, agape always carries the risk of being patronizing.
Especially May explains the dialectical relationship of love and power: “We must pay attention to the interaction of love and power, to the fact that in order to love was more than sentimentality, it needs strength, and strength, in order not to turn into naked manipulation, needs love ".
"The Circular Theory of Love" by A. Reis
Explains the mechanism for choosing a marriage partner through the implementation of four sequential, interrelated processes.
1. Establishing a relationship. This refers to the ease of communication between two people, in other words - how "at ease" they feel in each other's company. It depends both on socio-cultural factors (social class, education, religion, style, upbringing) and on the individual's ability to come into contact with other people.
2. Self-disclosure. Feeling connected with another person creates a feeling of relaxation, trust and makes it easier to reveal oneself to another. Social and cultural factors also have a great influence here.
3. Formation of mutual dependence. Gradually, a man and a woman develop and develop a system of interrelated habits, a feeling of need for each other appears.
4. Realization of the basic needs of the individual, which, according to A. Reis, are the needs for love, trust, someone's stimulation of her ambitions, etc. The development of the feeling of love goes in the direction from the first process to the fourth. Of course, missing one of them negatively affects the development or stability of love relationships.

In a word, spiritual community, mutual respect, friendship are necessary and quite sufficient for family happiness ...
I.V. Bestuzhev-Lada.

Transvital theory of love (Simmel, Buber, Scheler, Frank).

Advances that the nature of love has no direct connection with certain vital needs and functions. Love, although it can arise on the basis, for example, of sexual desire, which sometimes serves as a precondition for the emergence of a love feeling, but as such is not identical and is not subject to any vital impulses with which it, at the same time, can coexist quite harmoniously ...

V.I.Mustein's theory of love.

The concept of "love" includes many characteristics, such as altruism, intimacy, admiration, respect, participation, trust, consent, pride. Each characteristic can, in addition, be classified according to the way of expression: a) feeling, b) attitude, c) behavior, r) common sense.

However, none of them is the leading criterion for the definition of "love". For example, partners may come to the conclusion that they “love” by “referring to feelings, relationships, or behavior, but the assessment of their condition remains, however, a conscious decision” (and the will “clogs” the immediacy of expression inherent in love). The question remains open.

According to V. I. Mustein, the research carried out speaks of three stages of "love": a) passionate love; b) romantic; c) conjugal love. Passionate love involves intense arousal and is based on sex, although there may be no sexual relationship due to internal and external barriers. Romantic love is hard to distinguish from passionate love in strength, but it focuses on idealizing a partner, not sexuality. Conjugal love occurs either after marriage, or if the partners are in long-term relationship before marriage; based on good awareness, on "ever-increasing knowledge of each other, replacing fantasy." The result of each stage and their sequence has not been studied. One of the schemes is as follows: passionate love (physical attraction), quickly following idealization (romantic love), then turning into long-term conjugal love. However, some begin with friendship, followed by romantic and passionate love. The study of these stages is the subject of further research.

Writer I.I. Garin (Literary pseudonym of professor, Doctor of Physics and Mathematics II Papirov) simply lists the types of love that he knows: “There is love - passion and love - mercy, the highest form of mercy. There is feigned, selfish, illusory, ephemeral, unhappy, hopeless, deceived, angelic, platonic, narcissistic, courtly, selfless, ardent, insane, sensual, instinctive, inspirational, gracious, magical, ineffable, seraphic, extremist, mystical , painful, martyrdom, paranoid, undivided, calculating, animal, predatory, vacation, resort, beach love ...".

Sociologist Ya. U. Astafiev analyzes and systematizes the forms of love that have existed throughout human history from the standpoint of economic anthropology.

He distinguishes the following types: war economy, wealth economy, bourgeois economy and consumption economy.
War Economy. In archaic societies, the military retinue of the leader stood out. Love was perceived as something unworthy of a warrior. From the point of view of the military, a woman could only serve as a procreation.
Wealth Economics. In the Middle Ages, the so-called "courtly love" became widespread, where the objects of worship were the most noble aristocrats, and the admirers, on the contrary, were poor knights. "Courtesy" was nothing more than a legalized infidelity.
Bourgeois economy. Here any woman was a commodity. Accordingly, the rise of capitalism in Europe coincided with the rise of brothels and prostitution.
Consumption Economics. Interacting with a partner, a person necessarily consumes it. This can cause conflicts, misunderstandings and rejection. Therefore, in the modern culture of relationships, consumer relations, including sex, are beginning to play a significant role, not connected in any way with family and childbirth. Most detailed: Intimacy transformation. Sexuality, love and eroticism in modern societies. A.Giddens

In the now classic work of David Myers "Social Psychology", he describes love - friendship and love - passion.

D. Myers writes that it is extremely important for any person to find a soul mate whom we can trust, who will appreciate us for who we are. He compares romantic love with imprinting: a person who has been with us for a long time, in our field of vision, and shares our views, evokes romantic feelings.

It is interesting to consider the concept of love of true Freudians, to whom Otto Kernberg belongs to the president of the IPA (the most influential psychoanalytic organization).

Kernberg defines love as a multicomponent structure, among the main components, to which he attributes, first of all, sexual arousal and erotic desire.

Kernberg believes that sexual arousal is the main affect around which the integration of partial relationships into holistic object relationships occurs - that is, split off or dissociated self and object representations into whole and all-encompassing ones.

Among other components of love, Kernberg refers: tenderness as an expression of the ability to take care of the object of love, which finds its origin in the integration of libidinal and aggressively loaded self and object representations.

I would especially like to emphasize that tenderness, like other emotional manifestations in love, he considers as a sublimation of libido.

Mature sexy love and sexy couple. Otto Kernberg.
Sigmund Freud about love.

Love as an act of will, as diligence and work. This theory has the largest number of supporters because the church and Christianity and Islam adhere to this point of view.

"I want to tell you one important truth, ignorance of which is the reason for almost all divorces: it is impossible to marry for love. Love is the union of two people, which is born in marriage and is nurtured during 10-15 years of marriage." ...
Priest Ilya Shugaev

Bible: “Husbands, love your wives as Christ did, loved the Church and gave Himself for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

Famous psychotherapist Morgan Scott Peck "Love is not a feeling" : "True love is mostly strong-willed, but non-emotional work. A person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving, regardless of whether there is a love feeling. the determination to love, the will to love still remains and acts.

True love is not a feeling that overwhelms us; it is a binding, deliberate decision.

... to really carefully listen to the story of the wife (husband) about how the day went at work or what happened in the laundry, to understand their problems "from the inside", trying to be invariably patient and extremely attentive - all this is often boring, uncomfortable and always tiresome, takes away strength: this is work. If we are very lazy, we will not do it. If we are not very lazy, then we will do it more often or better. If love is work, then non-love is laziness.

It is our sense of duty after marriage that allows us to withstand the transition from falling in love to true love.

Gary Chapman "Five languages of love" : "Rational, strong-willed love" - this is the love for which the sages have always called us to ”.

“Contrary to popular belief, love is not the result of fate or luck, it does not come and go, we create it ... and each of us has the ability to create it. Each of us has the ability to love and be loved, each of us has the ability to create relationships, the main thing in which is love. It doesn't matter how we live now - alone or trapped in an unhappy, exhausted relationship - life can change, and we are the ones who can change it".
Adam J. Jackson. "Ten Secrets of Love" The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

And many other practicing psychotherapists and psychologists are supporters of this approach.

E. Fromm was an adherent of the same theory of love. Speaking about love, Fromm emphasizes that love is an art, just like the art of living.

According to Fromm:

The first step in achieving this art is the realization that if we want to learn to love, it is important to do exactly the same as if we wanted to learn any other art: music, painting, carpentry, medicine or engineering.

The second step is mastering the practice. After a long practice, knowledge and skill will combine into one - into intuition, which will be true mastery.

The third step that Fromm singles out is concentration, complete dedication of oneself, one's strength and thoughts to this skill.

Mastering this art, improving his skills, a person acquires the ability to love. Fromm shares the concept of being loved and loving oneself. At the same time, to love oneself means to be able to love. To be able to love is mature love, and the desire to be loved is immature.

But the systematization of E. Fromm's love deserves a separate consideration.

Erich Fromm

The most famous systematization of love, analysis of its psychological content is the theory of E. Fromm, it undoubtedly influenced subsequent studies of this topic. That is why E. Fromm's photo and materials about his theory of love are placed on our website, in the most conspicuous place - at the top, on the left.
Love in the broad sense of this concept was considered by him as a way to counteract depersonalization, alienation of people, elimination of the feeling of loneliness, establishment of harmony with the world.
E. Fromm identified the following types of love:
• erotic - love between a man and a woman ;
• fraternal, serving as the ideal of relations between people based on respect, equality and cooperation;
• maternal, imbued with care and responsibility; it is unconditional, irrational love, love for the weak, where the desire to bestow prevails;
• self-love as an effective affirmation of being and the productivity of one's existence; its absence does not allow a person to build a relationship of love with other people, since one who is not able to love himself cannot give love to another;
• love for God, embodying the affirmation of life in all forms of its manifestation.
E. Fromm believed that a person's ability to love is not given by nature. This is an art to be mastered. Love is formed during one's lifetime, and what it will be is determined by the free choice of everyone. Society offers for choice two modes of life: to have or to be and the corresponding two modes of love: love as possession and love as being.
The first mode - love as possession - is characteristic of a consumer society, where the principle “everything is for sale” operates. Love acts as a kind of monetary equivalent of the exchange of services and goods ("I love you, and you give me this ..."), becomes an object of purchase and sale. An exchange takes place: men offer status, money, power; women - beauty, thrift, fertility, etc.
The second mode - love as being - creative, active love, providing conditions for the personal growth of both partners. It is a mature, harmonious form of love. The most important characteristics of the existence of existential love, according to E. Fromm, are the preservation of the integral individuality of partners and a productive personal orientation. The paradox of love is that two people become one and at the same time each remains himself. The personality, acting as a part of the wholeness of "We", also asserts itself as an individuality, an active subject in the construction of "I-Thou" relations.
E. Fromm emphasized that the ability to love is formed only if the individual refuses the desire to consume, the desire to exploit others and overcome narcissism. Any form of mature love, be it maternal, fraternal or erotic, includes a number of common components that are closely related to each other: care, responsibility, respect and knowledge.

There is only one form of intimacy that does not hinder the development of the personality and does not cause contradictions and loss of energy - this is mature love; by this term I mean complete closeness between two people, each of whom retains complete independence and, in a sense, separation. Love truly does not cause conflict and does not lead to waste of energy, because it combines two deep human needs: intimacy and independence.
E. Fromm "The Crisis of Psychoanalysis"

E. Fromm introduced and explained a number of new terms: "True love", "fruitful love", "mature love". “Caring and responsibility means that love is an activity, not a passion that overwhelmed someone, and not an affect that“ captured ”someone. That. ” The most fundamental type of love that forms the basis of all types of love is“ brotherly love. ”
"pseudo-love", "there are many individual forms of love pathology", "sterile or irrational love", "love-worship", "false love", "sentimental love", "neurotic love", "immature a form of love "or" symbiotic union ", falling in love is one of the forms of pseudo-love," erotic love is the most deceptive form of love ...", "often by erotic love is meant an unproductive form of love ...". "Due to the fact that sexual desire in the understanding of most people is connected with the idea of love, they easily fall into the delusion that they love each other when they are physically attracted to each other."

Very often - and not only in everyday usage - sadomasochism is confused with love. Especially often masochistic phenomena are taken for manifestations of love. Complete self-denial for the sake of another person, refusal in his favor from his own rights and needs - all this is presented as an example of "great love"; it is believed that there is no better proof for love than sacrifice and willingness to give up oneself for the sake of a loved one. In fact, "love" in these cases is a masochistic attachment and is rooted in the need for symbiosis.
E. Fromm "To Have or To Be"

E. Fromm already as a psychoanalyst introduces, explains and systematizes new concepts: PSEUDO LOVE: normal form - “in modern society there are“ normal ”- widespread - social models of the pathology of love, acting as two forms of pseudo-love:
1) love as mutual sexual satisfaction;
2) love as “well-coordinated work” and a refuge from loneliness ”.

And there is another form of love pathology:

“Various individual forms of love pathology, leading to suffering and neuroses. These include:
1) neurotic love - a form of pseudo-love in which partners are centered on the parents and transfer to the partner the feelings of expectation and fears experienced in relation to the parents;
2) love-worship - a form of pseudo-love in which a person loses himself in a loved one desperately strives to dissolve in the object of love, lives someone else's life, experiencing inner emptiness, revealing the poverty of spirit and despair of the worshiper;
3) sentimental love - a form of pseudo-love in which feeling is experienced only in the imagination, and not in real relationships; the most common type is “substitutionary” love satisfaction of consumers of songs, films, novels and other things; the other is a temporary aberration, when partners live with memories of past feelings and fantasies of future love;
4) a form of pseudo-love centered on the partner's shortcomings and weaknesses, which are constantly exposed and denounced;
5) a form of pseudo-love projecting meaning and problems on children, using children for compensatory purposes.

On our site, Fromm's theory of love is given a special place, links are given in the upper left corner of the page.

Detailed analysis and explanations of E. Fromm's theory of love is done by Ph.D., Ph.D., Ph.D., Academician P. Gurevich In love, a person wants to become a god (about Erich Fromm).

Natural love concept.

When a man and a woman are considered as natural subjects, anthropic phenomena with specific characteristics, properties, signs, and when their best combinations interact, " Natural love "

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.
What is love. E. Pushkarev

Different authors of typologies have chosen different characteristics as defining characteristics: psychological, psychophysiological, psychosexual, temperament, hormonal, etc.

Even Plato, in the very first attempt at a philosophical understanding of love, expressed the idea of love as an eternal thirst for reunification, and not just a man and a woman anyhow, but just halves of souls with kinship, only in this case the androgynous integrity of the personality is restored, due to the healing of human flaws nature and their reimbursement.

Marsilio Ficino wrote "Commentary on Plato's Feast." In it, the author described love as a cosmic force that integrates soul and body, man and nature. He spoke about the fact that love is based on the similarity of people (in temperament, birth under the same planet, etc.), which makes them attractive to each other and facilitates mutual understanding.

In astrology that appeared long before Plato, ancient researchers noticed that people born under the signs of the zodiac of the same element converge well with each other, which is the best basis for love, under others it is worse. And there are also such combinations of zodiac signs in which you should not even try to build relationships. This astrological theory has stood the test of centuries and remains popular and in demand to this day.

To designate the highest form of sexual love, V.S. Soloviev uses the concept of syzygy, which means "combination" in Greek . This word was used in the era of late antiquity to denote such a conjugation between a man and a woman, which is the basis of a strong marriage union.

With a certain specific set of psychological characteristics of individuals, a syzygy occurs, based on the self of each in a pair, the result of which is an interpersonal philia.

And in another case, two positive, positive-minded people met, decided to create a full-fledged marriage union, and began construction. And they ended up with a pragma contractual relationship, they are also called "well-matched couple" based on duty, volitional efforts, diligence and control. But because the combination of psychotypical characteristics of individuals in this pair does not correspond to the syzygy.

Syzygy can be understood not only as a beneficial marriage, but also as a form of unity of the human principle with the divine essence. Discussions about the psychotypic characteristics of a person also apply to religiosity; for a certain psychotype, the combination with the divine essence becomes a real vital force, support. And the other would like to achieve an organic connection with the divine essence, but it does not work out for him, he did not come out as a psychotype. And for the third, the divine essence itself is ephemeral mysticism and mythology.

In the author's methodology, natural love is considered as the result of the interaction of the best combination of two psychotypical systems (determining the kinship of souls) based on constitutional psychological properties that are unchanged throughout a person's life, personality characteristics, therefore, over the years it becomes stronger and more beneficial. The best suited for this is the typology of C.G. Jung, which is most fully developed in socionics. In it, the psychotype is determined by the configuration of four dichotomous psychological functions. "Socionics of love"

Love, if it really is love, is based on one premise: my love comes from the very depths of my being, and in another person I also perceive his true essence.
E. Fromm "The Art of Love"

The most famous developers of the concepts of natural love:

This book Evgeny Pushkarev “Love! Good or bad? Psychological dimensions "

Aushra Augustinavichiute is the founder of socionics, the most dynamic, both theoretically and practically developing direction. She and her followers studied the entire spectrum of psychotypical compatibility and how the best compatibility - duality - has a beneficial effect on human life, and how adverse combinations have a destructive effect.

The dual nature of man. Aushra Augustinavichute

"Socionics of love"

How love is viewed in socionics. E. Pushkarev

Ode to dual contact. Shulman

About dual relationships. V.M. Shlaina

Katharina Briggs and her daughter Isabelle Myers developed the Typology in the same way as in socionics based on the works of C.G. Cabin boy. Described in the book by O. Kroeger and J. M. Tewson “16 ways of love. How 16 Personality Types Determine Your Possibilities in Love. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

16 Types in Love .

The typology of the anthropologist from the USA Dr. Helen Fisher is based on the division of people depending on the level of such chemically active substances as dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen, which are synthesized in the body.
If dopamine production prevails, then a person is constantly in search of something new. She called the people in this group "explorers."
If the production of serotonin dominates, then this determines the presence of such personality traits as calmness, loyalty, love of rules, order and facts. She called this group of people “builders”.
People with high testosterone levels (regardless of gender) fall into the third group - the “directors” group, as they are decisive, demanding, have a sober view of the world and have good strategic thinking.
Individuals who are dominated by the hormone estrogen (it affects both men and women) are creative, empathetic natures who are excellent at negotiating, have a large number of verbal and social skills, and are able to collect and analyze disparate facts. She called them "negotiators."
She revealed which of these psychotypes lead to high-quality relationships, which to disharmony.

Take the Helen Fisher test to select the best partner hormonal compatibility.

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

K. Philological Sciences, Sociologist Yu. Ryurikov "Honey and Poison of Love". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
Yu.B. Ryurikov notes that there are as many types of love as there are types of people. The author expresses the idea that it is impossible to consider the registers of love feelings in isolation from the analysis of human types, i.e. without a psychological (theoretical) basis, an analysis of the internal roots of their origin. Based on these reflections, he proposes to define love as "the inner shadow of a person, an echo of his temperament and character, a mirror of his biological and psychological self."

Alexander Yuryevich Afanasyev is a writer, scientist, inventor, philosopher, psychologist, gerontologist, teacher, artist named his typology - psychosophy (psyche-yoga), described in the book "Syntax of Love".

Lyudmila Nikolaevna Sobchik, candidate of medical sciences, doctor of psychological sciences. Director of the Institute of Applied Psychology, described her theory in the book “Diagnostics of psychological compatibility. Once again about love ”, a chapter from this book Love. A family. L. Sobchik

Natalia Lvovna Nagibina, Doctor of Psychology, Professor, Founder of Psycosmology, developed a model of a system of psychological types and the main provisions of the system, which finally, after a number of intermediate hypotheses, took shape by 1999 into a coherent and consistent empirical systemic classification.

Edward Hoffman and Marcella Bakour Weiner "A Book of Love Compatibility, or Twelve Personality Traits That Can Help You Find a Life Partner." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Here are, of course, not all of the known classifications of love feelings, there are many more. Despite all the variety of theories, they rather showed how difficult everything is with "this love" than gave specific, life advice.

couple in love

You can learn about the variety of the indicated problem from the letters that came to the Club

He is Virgo and Snake, I am Monkey and Gemini. The age difference is 27 years, no wife or children; he is dearer and closer to me than my peers. He lives in another country, does not speak Russian, but we have three common languages in which we communicate. He can give advice, calm down, cheer up my family better. We have known each other for a year and a month. There would be a time, at the first meeting, we would chat day and night. When he left, I realized that I love and cannot live without him. He hasn't come for over a year, we are texting. In him I found my ideal: smart, interesting, handsome, experienced, wise. We have the same outlook on life and interests.
I love him and miss him very much. I don't know how to admit this to him and not spoil the relationship, because my career depends on his reaction (he works in a company for which I want to work after graduating from school and institute). Moreover, I cannot bear his loss: he is a ray in my sky, he put me on my feet after a year of depression because of unhappy love, helped me find the meaning of life.
Once, under the pretext of explaining that I couldn't do without examples, I sent him my phone number. But he didn't call:
Tell me what to do, how to become his favorite. I really need him! As a man and as a friend.
Elena (Moscow)

Hello! my name is Clara, I am 43 years old. People around me consider me a completely reasonable, rational, even cynical person. I have lived alone for a long time, raised a daughter, and, in general, I almost resigned myself to the fact that there would be no second marriage (the first marriage was extremely unsuccessful - they separated 10 years ago). A year ago on a dating site I met a man who I really liked. There is reason to think that he liked me too. He, like me, is a lonely, businessman, constantly busy. Work for him became a "substitute" for everything. And everything could. maybe it will turn out differently, but I was so glad that at last a man appeared who met all my needs, that I decided to immediately conquer him. There were many wrong things on my part. In the end, he began to avoid me, to excuse himself with being busy, etc. At the same time, he was extremely restrained, correct, never broke. I myself stopped communicating, but he did not renew it. almost a year has passed since we finally stopped communicating. Of course, during this time I tried to build relationships with other men - every time I failed. On my part - complete indifference, I can not do anything with myself. Men see it, maybe they feel that I am constantly comparing them to someone. And the comparison is not in their favor, alas. This is a really worthy person. A week ago I wrote him a letter asking for a meeting, and he agreed to meet. However, he has not called yet. I think that this person is simply not able to say "no", and it is very important for me to get even a negative answer. I suspect that in my situation we are talking about the very real addiction. I don’t know how to get rid of it. But it prevents me from admitting another man closer to me than a cannon shot. How to start living? I'm not old yet. I look good, they pay attention to me, but men tend to think about me that I don't need anyone. But in fact, I would like to improve my personal life for a long time.

Hello. A year and a half ago, I met a man. This is my ideal person, old teenage dreams. For the first time I fell in love like that, for the first time I experienced such dissolving, colorful and inspiring feelings for a person: The feeling that I always knew him, that as if I knew him in a past life. Then I seemed unworthy of him, ran away into a relationship with another guy. Then I realized that I was not living like that. I overcame myself, my stereotypes and fears. She reached out to him, created communication with him (which was quite difficult, because although he was sweet and sympathetic, he never, absolutely never reached out to communicate with me) Then she confessed her sympathy to him, wanted to be near, not to love mutually. But in view of her natural shyness, which she did not manage to overcome to the end, she could not go ahead to impose herself. God: How much literature I read, how much I learned in order to understand the reason for my love.
I learned to appreciate my feelings and the inspiration they give, but the pain that I mean nothing to this person made me run away again into some other relationship. Six months ago, I saw him with his girlfriend, I saw that he was happy. Then I quietly left his life, pulled myself together, said that I would meet love. Met my current boyfriend: Now I have warm feelings and gratitude for his relationship to me. But yesterday I met my beloved again: And again the same pain: Which though I want not to let in: But it destroys me. Again I realized that I didn’t live like that. I'm deceiving myself: I'm dating my boyfriend out of a feeling of not being lonely, I want to leave my country to erase sad memories. To that guy I again feel the feeling that immerses me in some unusual perception of the world: I don’t know: Why am I given this? Can you tell me how to supplant these feelings, which sit so deeply, and then open up and now bring the saddest and most intense pain? Perhaps I need to meet with him again and share: With all my feelings, so as not to keep them so deeply? I just didn't want to burden him. Do not tell me how to get out of this situation. I seem to have such a cherished desire to be with him at least for a while. I tried to love others, I even met a person that was almost my ideal, but it doesn't work out. Deep inside I reach for him


Hello. Maybe I am writing too much, I myself cannot distinguish what is important and what is so-so. We met 4 years ago. Then she just entered the 1st course, I was on the 2nd. Mutual sympathy appeared immediately: about once a month we saw each other within the walls of the Polytechnic Institute, greeted.
I liked her push, her audacity. A year later, they exchanged phone numbers as "novice" friends. On New Year's Eve, they often began to see each other purely by chance (was it destined to be? ..). In March I congratulated her for the first time on her birthday, and away we go!
From the first days of April, I caught myself thinking that I could not "live" a day without her: I just wanted to see her every day, say hello, communicate. I "accidentally" appeared at all breaks near her building and we also "accidentally" met there. Already in April, they began to walk just as friends several times a week. Then she had already dated a guy for about a year, but she was already tired of him. What she talked openly about.
At the end of May, I could no longer restrain my feelings and confessed to her. In response he received: "But we are just friends!". Then I considered it as a refusal. All great relationships have practically collapsed. In the summer, I hardly saw her. I was leaving for military training, and when I returned and called her, I realized that I was not expected, even as a friend.
Almost the whole autumn passed the same way: when we met by real chance, all conversations boiled down to debriefing about the "dead" summer. Then one day they decided to make up via text messages. The next day I just met her after class and peacefully accompanied her home. Several times we went home together from Tula, where we studied.
On one of these trips, when it was already tacitly clear that the "friendly" relationship was completely back, the situation was so (dark bus, movie, muffled sound :.) that I kissed her. It was the moment of truth: I was expecting either a slap in the face or agreement. On that day, I could not fall asleep for a long time, remembering how I accompanied her home, walking with her by the hand, that kiss and a return smile.
But the happy beginning did not justify itself: already on New Year's Eve, quarrels began, mainly because of my jealousy of absolutely everyone. Then there was the first "parting" for 2 hours: Such quarrels arose regularly, several times a month.
In May, marking half a year, again a quarrel and parting for 10 days. I thought it was the end of the relationship, I called her, begged her to come back with tears, etc. Has returned. But it would be better not to come back. We planned a joint vacation all summer. In August we went to rest. 15 days lived almost in perfect harmony.
Slept together, there was no sex. L. was chaste, I don’t know now. In September, an ordinary life with studies and problems began again. She constantly turned to me, calling me offensive words. And no matter how she explained to her that I was not her 12-year-old nephew, and it was not pleasant to me, she did not agree.
The most annoying thing is that after each quarrel I just asked to talk and discuss who and what is not satisfied in the relationship, so that everything goes smoothly with us, and in response I heard: "Why discuss something with us anyway everything is fine!" In the end, the poet's soul could not bear it, and we parted on my initiative. For about a month she did not want to obsessively return me, but again on her terms and without discussing anything. Saying that everything is my fault. L. never admitted her mistakes, even if it was obvious! Then I ran after her until she got the other one.
On the anniversary of the official relationship, they were going to meet and discuss everything (then she was another one). And a week before that, I had already seen them walking hand in hand. L. had a smile from ear to ear. From that moment on, a terrible swearing began with nasty insults. I couldn't believe she did that, promising not to meet with anyone before we met. Then they didn't even say hello.
On New Year's Eve, during the session, she asked to help her with the drawings, I did everything in the hope of returning her, and she just used me. She said that now both are indifferent to her. On New Year's Eve, I finally decided to dot the i's. She answered me: no. I congratulated her on Christmas by text message. Nothing good in return. The last time I wrote to her on Tatiana's day and received a bunch of curses on the topic so that I would forget her forever. Since then, I have not even noticed her, passing a meter beside her. In March he also congratulated smskoy on his birthday. In response, silence.
I ask for help with advice on how to establish just friendly relations, as in the beginning. Just not humiliating yourself and not bowing to her person. This is exactly what she is waiting for. And is it even worth running after her like that? But I can't forget. I even signed up specifically for ballroom dancing since December, where there are a lot of girls - it doesn't help:


Hello. I am 23 years old, married, but I love another person who is also married and loves me. My husband and I have no children, but my beloved has a little son of 4 months. Both of us (me and my beloved) did not marry for love (I did it by design, and he was "on the fly"), being already not free, we met and fell in love. The novel lasts six months and everything is very serious, he even thinks of parting with his wife, and I with my husband. My husband loves me without memory, and he is a wonderful person. Tell me please, we are rushing things too much, right? Our legal spouses do not know about this affair, but it is becoming more and more difficult and painful to hide from them. Should you be afraid to change your life, to leave your husband and leave that woman with a child? I understand that I am acting cruelly, but I love him, and he loves me and there is no getting away from it. My friend says that if I marry my lover, I’ll get sick of sharing him with my son from my first marriage all my life, his ex-wife will not let him live, etc. They say why do you need such a life, go crazy and live on with your husband, who does not have a "trailer" and he is all yours. But after all, I never loved my husband, I did not know what it means to love in general, I was carried away by him, fascinated by the mind, serious views on life. Now I am reaping the fruits of my stupidity. Girlfriend right? Dina

Evgeniy, good afternoon!
I have a problem: my daughter is 25 years old, when she was a student, at the institute she met with an senior student from her faculty. Their relationship began to develop, and then ended, he began to date another girl. For 6 years she cannot forget him, at least for 4 years they have not seen each other at all (he graduated from the institute before her, she - 2 years ago). Sveta does not meet with other men, although she is an attractive, interesting girl, many pay attention to her. After all, you need to somehow live on, start a family, have children, because time is ticking! And she constantly tells me that she doesn't need anyone. Either he - or no one. She has no tantrums, she is quite adequate, works, communicates with her friends, has fun. But at the same time she is firmly convinced that she does not need anyone, neither family, nor children, nor just sex. Is it okay? Can a young woman fully exist without realizing herself as a woman? Will there be some kind of mental deviation from this?
Best regards, Lyudmila Vasilievna.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

This page is from the section ”The Psychology of Love”.

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love and love. V. Albisetti

K.S. Lewis

What is love, what is romance and what is the difference between them. Robert A. Johnson.

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." almost 2000 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.

Эрих Фромм

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми