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Adultery from different angles. E Pushkarev

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cheating

A person's way out of a crisis is always associated with finding a different place in life, new spiritual values.

L. N. Tolstoy

This is what the statistics know about adultery.
What is considered adultery in married life:
27% - any extramarital sex;
34% - having a permanent sexual partner, and a casual relationship is not considered;
38% is not the fact itself, but the fact that it became known.
Psychologists suggest this separation of extramarital affairs:

1. casual extramarital contacts (short, casual relationships)

2. erotic-sexual adventures (romantic relationships)

3. extramarital affairs (stable, regular).

Irina Mutsuovna Khakamada on a talk show:
- All my husbands cheated on me
Question from the audience:
- And the last one? You talked so well about him.
- I repeat once again, all my husbands cheated on me.

The most important thing is to hack to death once and for all: a prince on a white horse is pure fiction. No one is obliged to make you happy and save you from all the vicissitudes of fate. Over time, a man will simply get tired of lugging this heavy suitcase of your whining and complaints about life.
I. Khakamada

Barbara Brylska:
- Dark, thin, courageous. Black eyes. She looked and ... fell. And then it turns out that everyone is falling in front of him ... For some reason, all the men whom I loved turned out to be womanizers ...

For more details about womanizers and their typology - Poor quality falling in love - ludus. E. Pushkarev.

Z. Freud: "We all have suppressed polygamy"

Sigmund Freud about love. E. Pushkarev

From modern neurophysiological and biochemical studies of love relationships occurring in the body and brain structures of lovers, Helen Fisher concludes that we have three different brain structures that provide the ability to experience different types of love at the same time: sex drive , romantic love (romantic love) and a sense of deep enduring affection. H. Fischer writes: “it is biologically possible to show a feeling of deep affection for the primary (primary) partner, while being romantically in love with another and at the same time feel sexual attraction to even more people ... this allows us to be socially monogamous and secretly cheating at the same time "(Fisher H., 1994).

Take the Helen Fisher test to select the best partner hormonal compatibility.

The statistics of marital infidelity in Russia has been stable over the past years, they have experience:
men 60 - 76%
women 23 - 36% minimum figures in rural areas with the growth of the population, the% grows, the maximum is considered in Moscow.

The reason for divorces in the Volgograd region (2014-2015) is constant (multiple) marital infidelity - 64.6-81.4% (in different age groups).
The Internet portal maxpark.com conducted a survey "Why do women cheat?"
655 votes were distributed:

37% -Due to sexual dissatisfaction

13% - For money and gifts

8% - Tired of

8% - Out of revenge

7% - Seduced

6% - Random

4% - For a career

17% - Other

The greatest number of adultery in women falls on the period of ovulation, since it is during this period that they have the greatest craving for sex, including spontaneous.
As a result, 14% of children in officially registered marriages are not born of passport fathers.
Anthropologist Randy Thornhill concluded that there are two main preferences that drive women. During ovulation, they look for partners with good genes, which correlates with physical symmetry - a property that is observed in all female mammals during estrus. In other periods of the menstrual cycle, they feel the greatest sympathy for men, who are more active in showing care and attention. The first is instinct, the second is the modern cultural norm, this is the rare case when instinct is stronger than culture.

In Germany, a man does not have the right, on his own initiative, to conduct a DNA test to establish the paternity of his child. This is tantamount to interfering with the wife's privacy and is punishable by a fine.

E. Nelson and S. Schultz discovered a way of attribution to a particular marriage system. In polygamous primate species, the index finger is noticeably shorter than the ring finger, in contrast to monogamous species, especially in males. This also applies to modern people. In men, the index fingers are usually shorter than the ring fingers. This index finger to ring finger ratio (2D: 4D) is governed by fetal testosterone and reflects intrauterine levels of testosterone and is maintained throughout life. It is the level of testosterone that is the main hormone that induces libido and sexual attractiveness in both women (Bartlik et al., 1999; Yates, 2000) and in men. Therefore, the greater the difference in the lengths of the ring and index fingers, the more the individual is predisposed to polygamy - extramarital affairs.
R. Dunbar "Science of Love and Treason". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

From ancient Greek mythology. The supreme god of Olympus Zeus, despite the jealousy and vindictiveness of his lawful wife Hera, was extremely loving and prolific. He had many illegally born children, he did not even know all of them, although he provided financially for many.

The cheater turns out to be the illegitimate daughter of Zeus, the most beautiful woman on earth, the beautiful Elena. She chooses Menelaus as her husband from the many applicants who wooed her , they have a daughter. Ten years later, she falls in love with Paris, and they flee to Troy. After that, a ten-year Trojan war occurs, in which Paris dies. And the beautiful Elena, before Menelaus captures Troy, once again manages to fall in love and get married.

51% of married people believe that it is not worth divorcing a marriage because of infidelity .

7% of those who cheated themselves firmly insist on divorce in the event of a betrayal of a partner , while among Russians who remain marital fidelity, this figure is 16%.

According to statistics, among other reasons for divorce, 36% are due to infidelity on the part of the husband, 7% due to the infidelity of his wife.

57% of married men have married women as their mistresses.

12% of married women cheat with single men.

Joke. There are two blondes:
- You know, I had such sex yesterday, with such a man - just a fairy tale!
- Well, yes! And who is he, if not a secret? Maybe...
- But this I will never tell anyone! All the more so for his wife!

Poll by T.E. Kartashova.Attitude towards adultery in marriage among young people (18 - 30 years old)

M (%)     W (%)

1           0 - acceptable and desirable

8           5 - permissible, and is a personal matter of each

9           18 - Allowed but Not Desirable

18           20 - permissible in some cases

64           57 - categorically unacceptable

USA. 1953, according to Kinsey's research, 50% of men and 26% of women had extramarital affairs. Hite Poll, 1987, 75% of unfaithful men and 70% of unfaithful women.

Buss, Larson & Semmelroth (1992) conducted a series of experiments and found that men experience deep emotional distress because of sexual rather than emotional infidelity. Whereas women show the opposite reaction, worrying more precisely because of the emotional, rather than because of the sexual infidelity of the partner.

22% of men see in their sexual fantasies ... their own wives. The dreams of the rest range from leggy and busty blondes to skinny teenage girls. Every second man would not mind sleeping ... with a black woman. By the way, in the sexual dreams of many of our women, broad-shouldered guys with a dark skin color are also present.
K.psh.n. R. Garifullin

6.7% of wives obediently accept adultery of a husband, 4.4% of husbands accept a betrayal of a wife .

From the story of singer Anita Tsoi when she was visiting her Korean aunt. She found her looking at photographs of prostitutes. To the question: "Why does she need this?" Due to excessive stress at work, he became irritable. Tired. "

Adultery can occur in healthy families and absent in broken ones.
V.M. Tseluiko "Psychology of a dysfunctional family"

The first wife of Andrei Mironov, Ekaterina Gradova (she played the role of radio operator Kat in the TV series "Seventeen Moments of Spring), kicked him out the door because of a little affair on the side." Andrei apologized for a long time and persuaded not to break off the relationship. Later, Catherine repeated many times: “I was a fool, a fool. I reproach myself for this all my life. " Andrei's mother Maria Vladimirovna reproached Ekaterina more than once: "If you hadn't kicked him out then, he would still be alive." The daughter of Mironov and Gradova, Maria Mironova, is a theater and film actress, Honored Artist of Russia.

Reasons for adultery

Extramarital affairs are usually associated with a variety of psychological, social, neurophysiological, emotional, intellectual and moral causes. In each individual case, these reasons are subjective, determined not only by specific accidents and circumstances, but also by the personal characteristics of the partners. The most common reasons and motives for male cheating are the following:

1. heightened sexual need, which is satisfied with unfamiliar partners, or in short-term, "fleeting" relationships with old acquaintances, etc .;

2. provoking sexual intercourse by the temporary absence of the wife. Long separation from a spouse is often regarded as a sufficient reason for seeking a temporary replacement for her;

3. the influence of "random" circumstances. Alcoholic intoxication, especially its mild degree, increases libido and weakens internal inhibitions;

4. acquaintance with a sexually - hospitable woman. Sex in this case is, as it were, a self-evident detail in the complex mechanism of human relations;

5. initiative and persistence of a woman. The man's "code of honor" does not allow to offend a lady with a refusal, and himself - to sign the "inability".

6. self-affirmation: male pride, depending on the number of sexual victories;

7. revenge (for humiliation, for treason);

8. striving to change impressions, striving for a variety of sensations, feelings and impressions;

9. "reward yourself for success."

A man is an unfaithful creature, but he is doubly unfaithful next to a frigid woman, although he himself is half to blame for her frigidity. In the course of the centuries-old battle with marital infidelity, humanity has suppressed female sensuality so much that, without suspecting it, it managed to split into three parts. The largest part, about 85%, are men and women who are unfamiliar with the female orgasm and therefore are always dissatisfied.
Romantic and Preacher of Female Orgasm and Religious Attitude Toward It A. Chernitskiy "Light Psychology". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

When you love, you don’t want to drink other water than the one you find in your favorite spring. Fidelity in this case is a natural thing. In a loveless marriage, the spring water turns bitter in less than two months.
Stendhal

Female infidelity is an escape from unhappy marital relationships. It is frustrating for women in marriage that the husband does not provide adequate emotional support, does not devote time or attention to the wife, does not express love and does not help with household chores, so she looks for support on the side.

1. dissatisfaction with marriage;

2. revenge on her husband for treason;

3. the desire to feel still loved and to feel their importance, to increase self-esteem;

4. prolong the feeling of youth, "ignite" yourself, experience strong feelings;

5. feel your power over a man and satisfy a sexual need;

6. satisfy curiosity and exchange an old husband for a new one;

7. an assignment in a business relationship for career reasons;

8. sex - gratitude for a kind attitude towards oneself, for a service rendered;

9. a way to get money;

The psychologist gives his version of the reasons why people change and what to do after

Elena Emelyanova in the book "Triangles of Suffering". The book is in our library: "Love, family, sex and about ..."

The term "betrayal" is used in fiction and journalism, but professionals: sexologists, psychologists, psychotherapists use the concepts of "recreational sexual activity", "side sexual relations". Therefore, both these and other terms will be used.

6 Myths about infidelity from psychotherapist Maria Travkova (Video)

If your wife cheated on you, then rejoice that she cheated on you, and not on your fatherland.
A.P. Chekhov.

For the first time, Roman poets of the 1st century began to write about loyalty in love. BC. - Ovid, Horace, Virgil, this did not exist before them. The institution of monogamous marriage in Russia is relatively young. In addition to the five main wives, Prince Vladimir "Red Sun" had 800 concubines, and the chronicler emphasizes that the prince was "not full of this" and took married wives and girls to his bed. This harem was officially dissolved when Russia adopted Orthodoxy.
In the Muslim world, polygamy is a highly regulated norm. And in polygamy, extramarital affairs are condemned. In Russia, polygamy is prohibited, but the article on the abolition of criminal liability for polygamy was removed from the Russian Criminal Code in 1996.

During the visit of the Sultan of Brunei to Russia (2006), sociologists included the question “If I were the Sultan” in the questionnaire. More than 40% of Russian men have expressed a desire to have three wives.

Mufti of Moscow Alyautdinov Ildar: “I believe that it is imperative to legalize polygamy” (2019).

During the 2010 All-Russian Population Census, information was obtained about the so-called polygamous marriage unions. There are 1616 of them in Russia. In Ingushetia - 30, in Chechnya - 75, in Stavropol - 6, in Moscow - 732, in St. Petersburg - 382.

The gender nature of extramarital sex varies markedly. 80% of women and 40% of men will not enter into sexual relations without falling in love, sympathy. More often it happens that just intimate relationships awaken in a man interest in a partner, sex as an excuse to get to know each other better. A well-known sexologist tells, if a man who has been married for many years turns to him, and to the question "Did you have contacts on the side?" the negative answer follows - the man, apparently, has really serious problems. Sexual need in men exists regardless of the proximity of the object, it just is. That is why men are worried about the sight of a naked woman, even in a photograph.
From a letter to the Club. “And how often does a husband cheat on a beautiful and devoted wife simply because he wants something new? When I found out about it for the first time, I almost put my hands on myself out of despair, I was terribly shocked.
And when I broke up with him, he asked in surprise, "Why should I refuse a woman who wants you? I did not love them and in my thoughts did not have to leave you. I always came home on time. Everyone lives like this, every husband has connections to our side. " Are there not many such cases? After all, only a few go to their mistresses, most remain in the family. They cheat not only on Xanthypes, but also on warm and caring wives. Such blissful articles with an appeal to sit down in a row and talk in a good way cannot help anyone. How can you sit down with him when everything is bubbling inside? " Lydia

I love my wife, so I rarely change.

The wife scolds Seryozha as a "bastard" and a "lustful dog" ... What a fool! My sister and I have been meeting him regularly for three years now and we know for sure that he is a caring, exemplary family man ...
(from the correspondence with the readers of "Speed-Info")

A woman feels, first of all, a need for feelings, and sex often complements them. The most beautiful naked man may be liked by a woman, but sexually she is of little concern. Therefore, "Playboy" is not so popular for women.
From a letter to the Club. "I am 25 years old, I have been married for 3 years, I have no children yet, and everything would be fine, but I managed to fall in love with a colleague. Moreover, I fell in love with him very much, and he seems to be not very special we have not yet had any clarifications. ”This man, I’ll call him, I really like Pavel both when I’m with him and when I’m at home. Pasha is married, he has children and we make love, then at the dacha, then he has a key with friends At the same time, I feel so uncomfortable both in front of my husband and in front of myself, terribly ashamed, awkward.
I'm stuck at the turn, I guess I'm weak. And sometimes it seems to me that I have not yet become an adult and, as it were, I am waiting for one of the adults to tell me that it is necessary to act like this. My parents first told me how and where to go, then my husband, but now I cannot consult with them. And Pasha doesn't say anything to me, and I myself can't decide to have a serious conversation, I'm afraid. I am tempted to write a letter to Pasha, to confess his love to him, let him decide. What is holding me back? Cowardice? Fear of other people's assessments? Fear of becoming an adult? Magazines often tell stories about celebrities - they fall in love, go to others and live happily. But sometimes it breaks through - the divorce was very painful. And why is it painful - you don’t love - and that’s all. It turns out not so! I constantly feel guilty - in front of my husband, that I am cheating, in front of Pasha, that I do not dare to do anything, in front of my mother, in front of me. " Lera
Almost all behavior is based on instincts inherited from animals. One of the most powerful sexual, he has not disappeared anywhere, but only covered himself with a "layer of culture." One person has a high sexual potential (there are more of them among men), others are of average, and in others it is low. The greater the sexual potential, the more likely the spouse will seek and find a connection on the side in order to satisfy this instinct.

For three years I have not cheated on either my wife, or my mistress, or any of my other women ...
(from the correspondence with the readers of "Speed-Info")

Also, sexual intercourse in a number of cases, both for men, less often for women, it is also sexual relaxation, which normalizes the work of the endocrine, nervous systems, psyche. It is precisely because of this that the pun "a good leftist improves marriage" appeared, and prostitution is recognized as the oldest profession. This is how human physiology works.
Extramarital affairs are more common in families where there are complex, tense relationships between spouses. But as noted in the study "The Psychological Challenges of Marriage" by a member of the American Psychological Association. D.S. Wallerstein, which was conducted only among happy married couples, facts of marital infidelity also took place, but this happened during periods of exacerbation of relations.

"As you know, Marx had illegitimate children, but casual relationships did not prevent him from loving his wife until the end of his days." Doctor of Philosophy A.A. Ivin
Karl and Jenny Marx. Examples of true love.

Another reason for extramarital affairs is intrapersonal problems, a person's lack of self-confidence, etc. In this destructive way, with the help of a large number of sexual relationships, a person increases his self-esteem, proves to himself and the whole world that he is a superman or superwoman. But since self-doubt is a very deep inner problem that cannot be solved in such a surrogate way, the "cheater" is still left with his own insecurity and dissatisfaction.
From a letter to the Club. “My beloved hubby is a womanizer. Also, when I was going to marry him, my friends said to me:“ Nastya, what are you doing, because he will not miss a single skirt, he will be attached. Think about it. "But even then and now I can't imagine my life without my beloved hubby. A year after the wedding, I found out that my hubby had cheated on me. I cried for a long time, worried hard. When I calmed down, I decided: since nature made him so , I'd rather introduce him myself to future lovers - my girlfriends, than he will get to know them somewhere out there, in the garbage. But I'm calm now
I myself have never had a desire to cheat on my hubby, since there is nothing that I can get from another man that he cannot give me. "

The FBI has revealed that the head of the CIA, David Petraeus, is in an extramarital affair with Paula Broadwell. She is the author of his biography. The title of Petraeus, translated into ours, is General of the Army, he is 59 years old. Petraeus served in the military for 37 years, the same amount of time he is married to Holly Petraeus. After his extramarital affair became public, he resigned and was accepted by the president. The general regrets his misdeed. (November 2012)

From a letter to the Club. "Reading all this is interesting, but how is it in life? Men use us, we use them. And in general you can't stop there. Suddenly, somewhere near you there is even greater love and you will be several times better with this person." I have changed before, I change now, and I will change.
I, of course, do not say that this is the right thing and that it should be done, but men do the same in this regard, which makes us worse than them. You use him, he uses you. And if you enjoy sex, then why not do it. No one will be faithful to you until the grave. If I like a guy, externally and internally, then I easily lie down with him, without hesitation. Just sex and no commitment. And to stuff your head with lofty concepts is not for me, these schoolgirls let their heads fool themselves . " Dezzi

From a letter to the Club: “I don’t even think about leaving my husband. But from time to time I have sex "on the side" - writes 48-year-old Nadezhda. - With other partners, I allow myself much more without feeling embarrassed. But with my husband this is impossible: it will be unpleasant for me if he considers me licentious or vulgar. For me, love is respect, trust, tenderness, stability, comfort; and sex, somersaulting in different directions with strangers is a completely different matter. "

French President François Hollande in his first marriage with Segolene Royal lived a little less than 30 years, they had four children. In 2007, when it became known about his love affair with Valerie Trierweiler, he divorced his wife and began to cohabit with Valerie. He did not register relations with her because he considered all this to be bourgeois vestiges. When, in early 2014, it became known about Oland's long-term love affair with actress Julie Gaye, Valerie Trierweiler was hospitalized due to depression. A week later, she was discharged, and Hollande informed her that they were breaking up.

No matter how much knowledge about infidelity the spouses possess, encountering this in their personal lives is always a surprise and shock. After all, the traumatic essence of betrayal is a blow to the most unprotected place - trust, you were neglected, and from that it is painful. There is a strong mental pain, a feeling as if the world is falling apart into small pieces and there is no longer any possibility to glue and fix anything, the soil is slipping from under our feet. These are the signs of passion. A person seeks to get rid of pain as quickly as possible by making a quick decision about how to live on. And more often than not, this decision is to break up the relationship.
In the most severe states of passion, a person commits the murder of a "cheater". There are no exact statistics, but the count goes to thousands a year. Double murders happen. A murder committed in a state of passion is, of course, a mitigating circumstance, but they give a long time so that it will be enough to regret the deed many times. Sometimes in such states, suicide is committed.

M. Gorky on June 15, 1891, met in the Kherson province a cart with a naked bloody woman, whipped on, under the hooting of the crowd, it was a punishment for treason.

The main advice in case of betrayal: do not make hasty decisions, especially actions. Enough time should pass before the person can calm down and reasonably decide what to do.
From a letter to the Club. "My family is on the verge of collapse. My husband and I have lived in complete love for 18 years, we have two children. I cheated on my husband, and he knows about it. We love each other - and we do not hide it. We are very worried. I am very sorry about what happened, I repent and execute myself. I was carried away by a young guy, there was a momentary weakness. Everything was happening as if not with me.
Almost 5 months have passed since that time. The first two weeks were very difficult, then a little easier. And now the relationship is getting worse and worse again. And we cannot part: the children love their father very much, and living as now is also unthinkable. Now they decided to give the children the opportunity to finish the school year without stress. I am very scared in anticipation of the summer, but before we were so waiting for it. He is ready to forget and perhaps even forgive, but "does not know how to solve this problem." Please tell me what to do, we want to save our family. "
Larisa

Two famous married couples of Stalin's times: Grigory Alexandrov and Lyubov Orlova and Ivan Pyriev and Marina Ladynina. Orlova was calm about Alexandrov's hobbies on the side, they lived their whole lives in harmony. Ladynina was very worried about Pyriev's love affairs, they divorced, although he really sought her after the divorce. Ladynina did not forgive him.

The first reaction to betrayal is anger, resentment. The next wave is digging itself. "He preferred the other - it means that I am not worthy of devoted love ... in something incomplete ..." It is important not to fixate on this! Analyze your mistakes in building a relationship with your man. But - attention! - absolutely everyone makes mistakes. Their awareness can become the "engine of progress", but getting stuck in them is a direct path to depression and new losses.

Cheating is a difficult period in life, severe stress of long-term experiences; more than two years - 38% of cases, from a year to two - in 19%, and 43% experience acute stress for less than a year.
An indicator of severe stress is the changed behavior of the respondents, 63% note, the sleep and eating patterns have changed, bad habits (smoking, alcohol) have appeared, the exacerbation of somatic diseases, the style of communication has changed, and the desire for reflection and self-criticism has appeared.
K.psi.n O.A. Ekimchik

So, after experiencing pain, throwing away emotions, you need to understand and figure out what is this betrayal, betrayal, seasonal hobby, think relaxed? Understand what is the reason? What the partner was deprived of, something important for him he could not get in your relationship. And when understanding comes, the offense will weaken, and with it the pain.
A clarification scene is of course inevitable. But only one! And then you need to calmly talk, find the reason for the betrayal and make a conclusion for yourself what contribution I personally made to the betrayal of my husband. But put an end to this! Further scenes and reproaches are destructive.
If the spouses cannot figure out the situation themselves, then they need to visit a psychologist, seek help from a specialist.

In an interview with the Decameron newspaper, playwright Viktor Merezhko talked about himself, his life.
"... I went to study at the Lviv Polygraphic Institute. It was there that the comprehension of sex began - I changed girls like gloves.
- Having become a husband, have you changed your lifestyle?
- Not for long, there were too many temptations, and I was young and hot. My Tamara turned out to be a wonderful wife - smart, tactful, patient ... When she saw that something was happening to me, she said: "Vitenka, go to your studio, have a rest." (It was the studio that was the place for sexual encounters with women).
- And she was not jealous of you? - Probably, she was jealous and suffered, but she had enough wisdom to protect peace in the family. "

So, treason. Is it a nightmare, a tragedy, or one of the ordinary manifestations of the complexity of life? Or a signal that a reconstruction of relations is needed, or maybe it was the last straw that overflowed the cup of patience. In any case, this is a new reality in which you need to build your life.
From a letter to the Club. "I had a lot of things in my life, there was also a situation when my husband got carried away: But I was not jealous at all. There were no tears at night, no rustling in my pockets: I just understood him, understood that, in fact, we are nobody do not belong, and no one belongs to us. And especially souls. Each has its own soul. She can suffer, fall in love, fly. But it is impossible to order her. A difficult time has passed, and even on the day of his "parting not with me" I was there For about a year it looked like a vest, and then a new life came, much more curious, because we did not just start living anew, but because new features appeared in us. And a completely different feeling arose. Another love. Much more beautiful and And, by the way, there was more respect, understanding: We have become older, wiser, more humane. And we know perfectly well that now we will always understand each other:
I think dramas are the lot of narrow-minded people. Those who have nothing else to do with themselves. It's easy to blame your bad temper on treason. Like - they offended me! "Ekaterina.

In the book Vit (Vit) “Women's secrets. First Sexual Experience: Tales of Real Women. One of the sections "First Treason". Women talk about infidelity: reasons, experiences, etc. These are absolutely frank stories told by real women without embarrassment or embellishment. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Cheating can be both the end and the beginning of a new quality of your relationship, and it is up to you together to decide how it ends. First you need to understand everything with your head and try to take it philosophically. Treason to betrayal strife, maybe it's just a momentary hobby. Man is not a perfect being and neither he nor I will ever become like that. Then already listen to what the inner voice prompts. If the insult, the pain does not go away, if after that you become more suspicious, insecure, tearfulness appeared, a tendency to depressive states, it is better to start from scratch. After all, the likelihood has increased, again to step on the same rake, if nothing is changed.
More often people learn about infidelity from "well-wishers". But there are also sincere confessions in an outburst of sincerity. At first glance, this looks like an honest act, but in fact it is nothing more than cruelty, and perhaps not always a conscious desire to hurt another.
Friends and neighbors who inform “in a friendly way” about a wife’s betrayal to her husband and vice versa are distinguished by the same cruelty. You can't always help with this, but it is very easy to harm. Another thing is to talk to a traitor (traitor), to advise not to play with fire until the fire has destroyed the whole family.

In "Don Quixote" by Cervantes, a story is described in which one man, with outwardly complete love between him and his wife, asked a friend to tempt his wife during his departures in order to check. As a result, it succeeded during the next departure. Artificial temptations are dangerous. Therefore, fidelity is not so much the virtue of a certain person as the art of the one who undertakes to deceive him.

Outstanding women and in situations of adultery make surprisingly wise decisions, so N.K. Krupskaya, having learned about her husband's romance, with I. Armand decides to make friends with her.
Case of life. At the end of December 1909, Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin) and Nadezhda Konstantinovna Krupskaya, his faithful wife, moved to Paris. It was here that the great revolutionary was destined to meet Inessa Armand. This "Russian Frenchwoman" left a deep heart scar in the soul of the leader of the Bolsheviks. According to the testimony of the fiery revolutionary Alexandra Kollontai, Krupskaya was aware of their relationship and knew that Lenin was very attached to Inessa. Before meeting Lenin, Inessa buried her second husband and had five children.
So, in 1910, she met Lenin. Perhaps that is why Krupskaya believed that "the most difficult years of emigration had to be spent in Paris." But, to the credit of Krupskaya, she did not begin to arrange bourgeois scenes of jealousy and was able to establish friendly relations with a beautiful French woman. She answered Krupskaya in the same way.
Armand, in the apt expression of A. Solzhenitsyn, having become "Lenin's friend", accepted the rules of the "three" game. She was able to show friendly feelings for the wife of a loved one.
Lenin was not alien to passions, hobbies, intimate experiences. For example, this is evidenced by a letter from Armand to Lenin from Paris to Krakow: ": We parted, we parted, dear, with you! And it hurts so much. I know, I feel you will never come here! Looking at well-known places, I I was clearly aware, as never before, what a great place you occupied in my life, that almost all activities here in Paris were connected by a thousand threads with the thought of you. ”I was not at all in love with you, but even then I loved you very much. Even now I would do without kissing, and if only to see you, sometimes it would be a joy to talk to you - and it would not hurt anyone: I am a little used to you. I loved so much not only to listen, but also to look at you, when you spoke. Firstly, your face brightens up, and, secondly, it was convenient to look, because you did not notice it at that time. I kiss you hard. Your Armand.
The letters (and there were many of them) more than eloquently testify to the true nature of the relationship between Inessa Armand and Vladimir Ulyanov. Biographers consider the spring of 1911 to be the beginning of their romance, when at last the socialists managed to arrange a party school near Paris in the village of Longjumeau. Krupskaya was a great conspirator. For the victory of the revolution, she was ready for anything. If Lenin was destined to fall in love with Inessa Armand and this helped the cause of the revolution. Nadezhda Konstantinovna was ready to rise above the philistine ideas about love, marital fidelity and her own female pride. Everything was subordinated to a great idea.
In the spring of 1912, the Ulyanov couple got together in Krakow, closer to Russia. Inessa also hurried to Poland. She became the shadow of the family:
When Armand was not close, Lenin wrote letters to her. Perhaps, few people he wrote as many letters as Inessa. Sometimes they were multi-page messages.
After arriving in Russia, "in the revolution" (Inessa, of course, was with the Ulyanov family in the famous "sealed carriage" in the same compartment), Lenin, captured by the whirlwind of events, met with Armand less often than abroad.
But the revolution quickly shattered the strength of not only Lenin, but also his beloved. Inessa enthusiastically took up any task that the party leaders entrusted to her. In her diaries, Inessa, just before her death, wrote: “Now I am indifferent to everything. And most importantly, I miss almost everyone. A hot feeling remained only for the children and for V. I. In all other respects, the heart seemed to have died out. as if, having given all his strength, his passion to V.I. and the cause of work, the sources of love, sympathy for the people with whom it was previously so rich were exhausted in him. any relationship with people, but only business: I am a living corpse, and this is terrible. "
Lenin met with the "Russian Frenchwoman" less and less. He no longer belonged to himself, he belonged to the great cause of the revolution. True, Vladimir Ilyich wrote Armand's notes quite often: he inquired about her health and her children, sent food. I bought galoshes for her, sent a personal doctor to the Arbat to treat the sick Inessa. She wanted to go to her native France, to break free from the arms of the revolution at least for a while and restore her wasted strength. I called Lenin, but he was busy and answered with a note, in which he feared that she would be arrested in Paris, and advised her to go south, "to Sergo in the Caucasus." Armand followed his advice. Could Lenin have known that, having dissuaded Inessa from going to France, he would send her to where she would meet her death?
A month later, a telegram came: "Out of every queue. Moscow. Central Committee of the RCP. Council of People's Commissars. Lenin. Comrade Inessa Armand, sick with cholera, could not be saved."
Armand, on the advice of Lenin, first went to Kislovodsk, but it was unsafe there - there were many gangs, and she moved to Nalchik. On the way I contracted cholera. On September 24, she was gone.
Lenin lived through agonizing hours after receiving the fatal news. Sergo Ordzhonikidze reported a couple of days ago that Inessa was doing well. Lenin's shock was enormous. Alexandra Kollontai said that when on October 12, 1920, "we were walking behind her coffin, it was impossible to recognize Lenin. He walked with his eyes closed and it seemed that he was about to fall." She believed that the death of Inessa Armand hastened the death of Lenin: he, loving Inessa, could not survive her departure. Armand was buried near the Kremlin wall. After Lenin's death, Krupskaya took the initiative to bury him next to her, but Stalin had other plans.

Surveillance, with the hiring of a private detective for the spouse is prohibited. Therefore, licensed detective services do not officially provide this service. In accordance with the Constitution of the Russian Federation, everyone has the right to privacy.

Holy Scriptures: The Bible and the Koran about treason.

Bible from Matthew, chapter 5.
28 But I tell you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
29 If your right eye tempts you, pluck it out and throw it away from you, for it is better for you that one of your members should perish, and not your whole body should be cast into Gehenna.
30 And if your right hand tempts you, cut it off and cast it away from you, for it is better for you that one of your members should perish, and not all your body should be cast into Gehenna.
32 But I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for the guilt of fornication, gives her an excuse to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

The list of seven deadly sins among Christians includes lust (voluptuousness).

The Catholic wedding oath says: “I take you as a spouse (or spouse) and promise you faithfulness in old age and in youth, in illness and in health, in wealth and in poverty. Help me, God and all the saints. Amen". In Orthodox practice, there is no such oath promise in a wedding.

And the church also provides a paid service:
Order a prayer service for cheating wives and husbands. And the deliverance of people from the passion of fornication. Now this service can be ordered over the Internet.

From the Quran:
“An adulteress and an adulterer - whip each of them a hundred times. Let not pity for them overwhelm you for the sake of the religion of Allah, if you believe in Allah and the Last Day. And let a group of believers be the witnesses of their punishment ”. (Quran 24: 2-4)

Married people were executed by stoning for adultery.

The Family Code of the Russian Federation does not explicitly require spouses to be fidelity to each other; it protects the right of all participants in a marriage to personal sexual behavior.
In 10 states of the USA (Wisconsin, Michigan, New York, etc.) imprisonment is provided for adultery. France abolished criminal punishment in 1975, Brazil in 2005 year, and in Mexico in 2011

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

In our library of books and videos : "Love, family, sex and about ..." there are books on the topic "Treason », Which can be downloaded for free.

How to Survive Cheating (Anatomy of Cheating) by James and Peggy Vaughan

Dilya Enikeeva "How to Get Rid of an Opponent"

Natalya Ivanova "Adultery"

Andrey Kurpatov "Love and betrayal"

Valentina Kulichenko, Alexander Andrusik “Life inside treason. Obvious formulas for harmonious changes "

A. Lippius “Games for adults. Psychology of partnerships through the transactional analysis of E. Bern ”- A whole book is devoted to betrayal from different sides. Through the prism of Eric Berne's transactional analysis, it examines in detail the role and place of adultery, sexual games in the structure of extramarital relations, and gives strict rules by which these games are played.

Natalya Tolstaya "Male infidelity"

Natalya Tolstaya "Duel with treason"

15. How to survive cheating (video)

16. The third extra breaks love (video)

Since I undertook to describe the betrayal from different sides, I will give several letters indicating its diversity and the reactions of the participants. Let me remind you that men enter into extramarital affairs more often than women, but women deal with this (and other) problem more often, therefore there are more letters from them.

Hello!!! It's good that I came across your site. The situation is trivial, they met for 6 years, there was a lot. He had other women, I managed to get married and divorced. 4 years ago, he said to me: "I do not like, I appreciate it as a person. Finally, I have matured to say I do not like it." Relationships did not stop, best friends, amazing sex, all 6 years, complete understanding of each other. We appreciated and took care of each other. Ideally. Almost 2 years ago he fell in love, he told me everything, like they broke up, that girl deceived him (she had a man), got sick, I helped her, everything is great again, the last year is generally excellent joint rest, common interests. We have never quarreled in 6 years. We did not talk about love, there is no need. And about the future, too, lived in the present. 3 months ago, out of the blue: "I fell in love." She is from another city: Met by chance. It hurts and insults very much, I see that he is very good. worries that I feel bad, worries about me and supports me, walks with me and listens. At the same time he loves her, and it seems that everything is mutual with them. What to do? A complete depressive.
He goes to her for the weekend, everything is great with them, in a month she will move to our city. I understand with my head that I must let go. He wants us to remain friends, is interested in me, we communicate on ICQ, and it's hard not to communicate at all, we work together. And with colleagues we often go to beer, where he always happens. I already went to a fortune-teller. So I want to get rid of this obsession. I constantly think about how they have everything there. I signed up for dancing, I work a lot, I try not to stay at home. Nothing! Three months, zero progress. She is not at all like me, an emotional child, for a cat. it is necessary to look after and calm down constantly. What to do? I really want to get rid of addiction. Alevtina

Hello! I love my wife very much! Happy with her for over 20 years! We had known each other for a long time, even before marriage. Then our paths diverged for a while, and when we met again, we realized that we were meant for each other! We have two children, a boy is already quite old and a teenage daughter, whom we love very much and try to give them everything they need. But I really like other women too. Life has so developed that more often I have to communicate with women and I admire them! And, most importantly, they reach out to me. We like to communicate, to spend time together. Mutual sympathy arises. Sleeping is a matter of time. Happened more than once. For the first time soon after the birth of the first child - a son. Then, with short interruptions, it drags on, to this day. I will not lose weight. How can this interfere with my family happiness? I would like to know your opinion on this issue! Gregory

Hello! Help, please, I'm completely confused. I am 26. Married 3, 5 years, but we have been together for almost 12 years, from school. He is my first love! And I still love him very much. We have some family problems, but I think so for everyone. In sex, I am also absolutely satisfied with everything. I have never cheated on my husband. There has never been such a desire. About 5 years ago, we had a period when we parted, and at that time I met a guy who was terribly attracted from the very first minute. He had a similar situation. He is 2.5 years younger than me. We met a couple of times, but it didn't go further than kissing, and then I left, afraid of the age difference. We got along with my current husband. And suddenly, five years later, this guy finds me on the Odnoklassniki website. And it feels like I haven't been there for 5 years. We are also drawn to each other even over the Internet. Yesterday we met just to chat, but it turned out in full. Like magnets, I don’t know what’s happening to me. I constantly think about him and at the same time I am gnawed by a terrible feeling of guilt before my husband: In short, I am completely confused and just in a panic. By the way, that guy has a girlfriend with whom he has been for 2 years and says that he loves her, but he is also drawn to me: Help me figure it out !!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you in advance! Ksenia

Hello! I am a little over 40, a businessman, I have been married for over 20 years. My wife is almost my age, she looks great at her age, much younger than her real age. We have two wonderful children. At first, the business did not work out, there were very difficult years, so my wife and I drank different things during this time - both good and not so good. The problem, however, is that I am no longer sexually attracted to my wife. My wife is a wonderful woman, she gives me complete freedom. Says: "Take a walk if you need to, just so I don't know." The wife herself says that it's time for me to have a mistress. Or, he says, if necessary, take some money and go to some girl. And I do not need one-time entertainment with prostitutes. I want to love, not fuck. I don’t understand why I don’t have such feelings for my wife?
However, I become not myself from a pair of breasts under a dress or a strip of skin on my stomach or back - a woman completely unfamiliar to me. And when I see a man and a woman walking, lovingly holding hands, I feel wild envy. Several years ago I met a girl whom I fell in love with. Now I already know exactly what I fell in love with. But he could not leave his wife and go to her - he could not tell the children (namely the children) that they would no longer have a father, because I no longer love their mother. And I decided that I would not make two children and their mother unhappy. And my happiness - somehow. People live without an arm or a leg. And I will be without my happiness. The most interesting thing is that when that story began with the girl, and the question arose about my leaving, my wife and I suddenly felt a surge of feelings. Yes, what happened to us was very painful. But at the same time, it seemed like a second wind came to my senses. Now it seems to have passed. How do I sort out all this? How to understand what pushes me "to the side", although "my garden is full of fruits"? And further. Then, when the question arose whether to divorce or not, there was a thought: well, I will destroy this family, because it pulled to the left, and then what? Where is the guarantee that I will not be pulled in the same way to the side of another woman? I see no way out. To say that I do not want to continue living like this is not enough. Sometimes I don’t want to live at all. Michael

My problem is that I stopped feeling sexually attracted to my husband. We have been living together for 6 years, our daughter is 2.5 years old. Before, before my husband, I had many lovers, but when I got married, I became a good wife, I did not cheat on my husband, because did not feel the need for this, I felt good with him in all respects. I can't say that everything changed dramatically with the birth of a child, probably it began to happen gradually. At first, I had erotic fantasies, in which I began to see myself with other men, then gradually my physical attraction to my husband began to weaken, and in the end it came to the point that I simply stopped wanting him. I love him as a close person, as the father of my child, but I do not perceive him as a lover. Although he tries to add some variety to our sex life - he buys some things in a sex shop, then he asks me to put on sexy lingerie, but nothing helps me - he just doesn't turn me on. Naturally, there is no question of any orgasm. I feel sexually dissatisfied. Erotic fantasies constantly arise, where I see myself with other men. I'm going to go to work from maternity leave in a month. I'm afraid that I might meet some man with whom I want to have sex and break off. My husband does not want to cheat, but it’s absolutely impossible to live like that. Help me please. Roza,

My first marriage was not very successful, I left my husband for my lover. At first everything was very good, we became even closer, but: apparently this was what we had to fear. He began to get tired of it. The habit of living alone, independently making decisions on all issues and completely owning opinions about everything in the world, also affected. I wanted the decisions to be made by us together and my wishes were taken into account, but every day he felt it as a pressure on him and a desire to remake him.
Most likely, he himself did not fully understand this, he was simply uncomfortable and wanted to somehow change it. Nagging, grumbling, discontent began, he completely stopped communicating with my child, and this, despite all that I know, he loves me, all this has been verified by years of communication without living together. The result was sad, I could not stand it and left. He didn't stop. A month has passed, and having met by chance, we understand that we are still drawn to each other. The grievances have cooled down. Since then we have met again, just like before, but it is not possible to live together. When obligations fell from him, he again became the same wonderful calm man he was before. Helps in everything, gives gifts. But this does not suit me, I need stability, protection, or something. I talk to my first husband on the phone. And the door there is not completely closed. It would be necessary to decide, but the most does not succeed. Help. Svetlana.

Hello! Please advise how to be. My husband has a tendency to sympathize with one of my friends. And it doesn't end well. It already hurt me a lot once. A friend (now a former) began to flirt with him when I was not in the room, and he, having sent her that time to me, then began to paint me her merits:
And he shocked me with the words: "If not for you, she would be in the first place for me." For me, this is the beginning of treason. The matter ended with the fact that I stopped communicating with her, and the pain seemed to have survived. And now he again sympathizes with one of my acquaintances. She lives in another city, he has not seen her live. But several times he suggested that I invite her to live with us. And we live, in fact, in a one-room apartment: All this saddens me. We've been married for less than a year, and here are the following interests: How should I behave so that it doesn't hurt anymore? Dascha,

I don’t know if I am writing to you directly according to the procedure, if not, then you can not answer. The husband refuses to fire the employee with whom he cheated on me, she was my friend. Hatred for her burns through me. In my head, constant plans for revenge on her. And I am ready to forgive him for fleeting hobbies, but not that she continues to be there. I am 32, my husband is 50, she is 30. We have 3 small children. For him, petty betrayal is like a swan song. I understand him and do not judge strictly. But before the connection with her husband, she shared with me about her connections with other married women. (About how at first they just "talked", and there can be nothing personal, because he is married, then promises began that he would marry her, etc., then their wife caught them ... and she reoriented to my husband ) Now one of them is my husband. I'm furious. I told her EVERYTHING that I think of her in her face, but not in the form of a scandal, but in such a way that she was shaking with fear.
She began to blackmail my husband that he would quit. He tried to persuade her not to leave and to persuade me not to threaten her. Persuaded. I had to give up under the arguments that there really was no one to replace her, that she was deeply devoted to many of the subtleties of all matters. How she, despite the fact that she had to hear from me, can continue to work, I do not know. I couldn't. I see how she flinches every time I come to the office, and I go there often. I asked and I ask him to indicate at least the distant prospects of when we will part with her, but no ... I am not letting go of the thirst for revenge. There is no doubt that she was blackmailing her husband that she would leave. She is interested in this work no less than he is in her as an employee. She cannot continue such a career alone and under the supervision of someone else is also doubtful. And I want her to leave our lives at the cost of some losses in business. She explained it as best she could ... Valentina

Good day! My story: I have been married for 10 years. I have a wonderful husband, but we have completely different sexual temperaments. Several years ago, from a lack of sexual relations, I was nervous, irritated, and experienced mood swings. At one time, this situation led us to the intention to divorce. At that time, a man appeared in my life, from whom I began to receive sexual satisfaction, and for me it was "just sex." He is married, he has two children, and I was also a sexual partner for him, with whom he received variety (he and his wife also had different temperaments), and we found each other.
Over time, I became completely satisfied, and my relationship with my husband became harmonious, more tender. At the moment, these two men combine what I need for me. Everything would be fine, but I really want a child. My husband wants a child ... I understand that the moment of choice is getting closer and I panic. On the one hand, I remember my depression from lack of sex, on the other hand, I really want a child. And I'm addicted to sexual relations, I'm afraid of the nightmare that was before my lover, bare nerves. I realize that I need to cope with the panic and the inevitability of change ... To conceive, I must give up my lover, but every time I delay the moment of talking with him. I would like to receive help from you, a push, a reasonable look from the outside. Vika

Hello! my dad is cheating on mom! I have always thought that I have a wonderful family. Parents have been married for 31 years, I have always rejoiced at their tenderness, care and good relations! But recently I found out that dad was cheating on mom, I could never even think about it! But that's for sure, he corresponds with his mistress and sometimes meets on weekends, under the pretext that he is going fishing ... And then, as if nothing ever happened, he returns!
My heart just breaks - I'm so sorry for my mother, but she definitely doesn't suspect anything (she's a kind person, she devoted her whole life to her children and her husband!) I don't know what to do, I don't want my mother to find out, and of course not I want it all to continue from the daddy's side! Moreover, I recently moved to my boyfriend in another city, and my elder brother also lives in another city, I rarely come, that is, my parents are now themselves, and my grandmother is with them on my mother’s side. Advise me what to do, now I came to visit them and I can't talk to my dad normally, I avoid him. And I can’t ask anyone what to do, I don’t want to hurt my brother either! I thought to talk to my dad, but I don't know what to say, or to talk to that mistress (I have a phone number). Advise as a specialist where to start. Koritza

Good day, I am now 24 years old and I am married for 4 years, while there is only a son, we still want a daughter. At first I just started an affair at work, everything looked innocent, it was just interesting, they paid attention to me, which I could not help but like, but the relationship was friendly, this lasted a year and a half. And then one day I don’t know why, the friendship ended, and violent sex began, I cheated on my wife for a month and a half. I decided to end all this relationship after I lost my attraction to my wife. I do not know why, but I am not attracted to my wife, although she is more beautiful than this girl. I had only sex with her, although very good, but even in my thoughts there was no continuation. Damn, I don’t know how to get rid of this .... I already realized that I made a mistake, and now I want to return everything as it was, as quickly as possible, but I don’t know how? Tell. Paul

Good afternoon. I do not know if I am writing here, but let it be here. I really hope for an answer. Since I still can't make up my mind to go to an appointment in real life. The problem is this. I am 26. She has been married for 5 years. Have a son. I love my husband very much. He did me too. All perfectly. There are no problems in everyday life. But there is one problem. Even knowing 100% that my husband is not cheating on me, he does not need sex. We can have it once every 2 weeks, once every 2 months. He is a military man, and as a "biscuit". it is alien to him to speak pleasant words, to give flowers, it is easier for him to give money with the words "dear, buy what you like." In general, I am tired of inattention, of lack of sex. But I am beautiful in face, and figure, and clothes. I am cheerful in life, but I became nervous and irritable. Why am I all this. I cheated on him. Once. Then the second one. Then the third. (not with one man) And I already have it as a hobby. I'm used to getting from them what I don't get from my husband. Attention, affection, sex, compliments, flowers, the feeling that I am desired. And I don't know how to stop now. :-( Thank you. Veronica

Hello. I've been going through so much lately, I'm all on my nerves. My husband and I have been married for 16 years, as I considered happy. The husband is prominent, he holds a high position, his earnings are good. The first major upheaval in our marriage occurred three years ago. I began to suspect that my husband had a mistress, and when the well-wisher called and said that my husband was now with his mistress, I decided to talk to him and find out everything.
The husband did not open up and admitted that he had a mistress. For me it was a shock, a shock, I wanted to go to my mother. We have two sons, and I am a housewife, if I go to my mother, how then will I live. We have a large apartment and so far we have dispersed to different rooms. The good attitude of my husband towards me did not change, he remained respectful, correct, gave gifts, as before, he brought earnings to the family, paid, as before, attention to his sons. Every Wednesday and Saturday he polished himself, ironed his trousers, and went out for the whole day and night to his mistress. After 2 - 3 months I resigned myself and got used to that way of life. Saturday he is with her, and on Sunday we go to the theater with him, to visit, with the children to nature. We again began to sleep with him, got together. I even found my dignity in this way of life, when my husband is with my mistress, I go to the pool, to the gym, meet my girlfriends. I don't need lovers myself.
This went on for three years, and three months ago the nightmares began. The husband began not only to drink, but to get drunk, to make trouble. He came home late sometimes after midnight, dirty, angry. In his usual love days, he was lying on the couch, not shaved, sullen. Constant claims that salted the soup, then we watch the wrong program on TV, got not only me, but also my sons. It turned out that his mistress had given him resignation, categorically refused to meet with him. I didn’t know what to do. The atmosphere in the family was becoming terrible.
I called his mistress and tried to talk to her. She frankly said that their relationship lasted five years, and all these years he promised that he would leave the family and marry her. She also needs to create her own family, have children. She is six years younger than me. I asked her not to push him away so abruptly until she found a replacement for my husband, but she is adamant. I am terrified my family life has turned into a nightmare.
Maria, 38 years old.

Hello. I think about it a lot, I read your article, I wanted to express myself. My situation is that I work on two fronts. I love my husband, but sometimes I meet with a lover who is much older than me. I really like him, but I understand that we will never be together. I am drawn to him, and I can not help myself. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I am deceiving my husband, because he loves me very much and does not expect anything like that. But lately I have come to the conclusion that I just have a polygamous nature, and it can no longer be corrected. If I am always with only one person, then, in the end, all this will end in nothing - I will get tired of the monotony and everyday life. Therefore, I somehow subconsciously strive to diversify my everyday life ...
Alarming fact: I myself have not decided whether I want or do not want to get rid of this strange psycho-addiction to my lover. I thought about the situation for a long time - you can say that I am only doing this. What we have? The husband I love, and parting with whom is not part of my plans. Well, HIM. Who is HE for me? The ability to think more or less soberly came to me relatively recently. Yes, I am still drawn into this disastrous abyss, but I already know why. What people lack in their relationships with loved ones, they seek to make up somewhere else. My husband and I lack unpredictability. We have an even and warm relationship, a kind of calm and serene sea of love: Aleftina.

Dear Eugene! Unfortunately, my beloved man is not free. Over the two years of our close communication, we have repeatedly made attempts to part, however, soon found ourselves back together. It is difficult to explain how this happened, but the most difficult thing in this situation is that we hardly talk about our relationship. All my attempts to figure out the reasons for this situation together are met with persistent silence. They listen to me attentively - and that's all, if you ask a question, then in response you should promise to think about it, and again that's all. Time passes, but we do not return to the answer to the question. If I start talking about the fact that I would like to hear the answer that this is important for me, the matter ends either with a quarrel, or with the translation of the conversation to another topic. How do I get him to talk to get the answers I need? I need them in order to determine my further actions, since such a situation cannot continue indefinitely, and I am simply tired of it. Thanks in advance, Lida

Hello. My name is Valentina. I have a very big family problem with which I cannot turn to my relatives ... The fact is that I stopped trusting my husband and constantly think about it ... Before the wedding, we converged and dispersed several times. The last time we parted, my then young man had another woman on vacation. At that time, I had no doubts about him, although our relationship became "neighborly", but we had not yet parted completely. He went on vacation alone, without me, because I could not get a vacation at work, and he did not want to change the date of his vacation. During his vacation, he had an affair ... We parted (on my initiative), a year passed and we reunited, then we got married, now we have a wonderful baby.
My problem is that when we reconnected, I (out of curiosity) climbed into his phone (now I understand that it was very stupid and I was punished for it) ... and I read an SMS novel there, starting with his vacation and lasting almost all that year ... After that I lost faith in his honesty, although I love him and try to convince myself that everything is normal with us, and the old must be forgotten. When it became really hard for me, I wrote 40 sheets of my thoughts about the pain inside me and gave them to my husband, so that he knew what was happening to me and where the allegedly causeless tears came from ... He read everything and said one phrase: " how it happened, it happened "... this" discussion "ended ... I try to forget the past, but periodically check his phone and probably subconsciously look for a reason for jealousy ... It's very hard to live like this, but I don't see how to get out out of this situation ... Please help me to regain faith in my beloved and only person, my husband ... Thank you in advance for your advice. Regards,
Valentine.

Hello! About a month ago, my husband confessed that he loved another woman. They meet for six months. He says that he loves her, cannot live without her, at the same time admits that he does not want to destroy the family. We have two sons: three years and five months. About two weeks ago he said that he was thinking whether to leave us or not, now he seems to have stopped at staying, but he does not stop meeting her and does not hide it. In the first days after this terrible confession, he told me that he didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he didn’t want to destroy his family, he didn’t want to divorce me, he loved me and he couldn’t be able to live without me, somehow he tried to cheer me up that everything would go away, it would get better ( maybe lied). After a couple of days, everything changed: he cannot live without her, she loves me or not, and only children keep him. And since that time he began to meet with her every day, he always comes home late. Before that, according to him, they rarely saw each other, but communicated often. I myself felt and noticed this. To my guessing questions, there were excuses that this was not serious, so chatter over SMS. And now he cannot imagine life without her.
I am in shock, it hurts, loudly, offended, I feel crushed and smeared on the asphalt, etc. You can describe my condition for a long time. Milk almost disappeared (I am breastfeeding the youngest). She told her husband that I also did not want to destroy the family, I want my sons to have a dad that does not come, but a normal one. I asked him to leave that woman (she is married, no children). He replies that he cannot, he loves that they are perfect for each other and coincide in everything. At the moment, the situation is this: he is with us (I don’t know whether he is thinking of leaving or not - now I cannot understand when he’s lying, when he’s not), he comes to spend the night, meets with her every day. Once I did not spend the night at home, I went with her to the dacha. I do not know what to do. Mom and mother-in-law say "be patient, everything will pass." I told him that for the sake of the children I would put up with his mistress (probably, it turns out that she herself gave the go-ahead not to her). I do not know what to do. I have no place to go, we live in his apartment with his mother. How long I can live like this and whether I need it, my soul is torn to pieces. To leave (you can buy a room in a communal apartment), but I don’t want to pull the children or drag them somewhere. My husband said that if he leaves, he will leave the apartment for us with the children. I live like in a nightmare. What to do? I am not a scandal, but this topic is often raised, of course. I love him no matter what, and I want to keep my family together. I feel that he was seriously hooked there, it scares me very much. How to be?
Galina
Good day! I have been married for 14 years, my daughters are 13 and 7 years old. A few months ago I found out that my husband has another woman and that he loves her very much. He said that they "breathe in the same rhythm." Then it turned out that she was not his first mistress, there were others. My world has collapsed. At first I was hysterical, kicked him out, said "choose me or she." He said that me and the children are more important and he stays with me. However, he did not stop meeting with her. I guessed about it, and he confessed. Then he was about to leave, but did not leave, because children and their well-being are most important to him. I replied that I love him and want to be with him, that this is the meaning of my life (this is true). But if he loves her so unrealistically much, then I do not want to interfere with his happiness. I let him go, said that he would communicate with the children as much as he wanted. I even offered him to rent an apartment for me, and to live with the children himself, if he does not want to part with them, but we live in my apartment. He didn't leave. And it does not go away. I constantly tell him that I am sorry that I was on the path of his happiness. But what can I do if I am in his life and appeared earlier than she did, and we had children, not to end up committing suicide in the end. But I cannot and will not live "second". This is unacceptable to me. Better all alone. And he does not leave ... Now he says that they have nothing, just work colleagues. I don't know if it's true or not. He treats me attentively and tenderly, in everything he tries to help and not upset me. But I DO NOT BELIEVE him and I am constantly trying to bring him to clean water. It seems to me that he just became very good at encryption. After all, such an unreal, insane love could not just go away in one day. It's unrealistic to talk, as soon as I start the conversation, he closes up, says that I am abnormal and I am paranoid. And what to talk about, he does not want to leave - this is understandable, and if he meets with her, then in life he does not admit it, because does not want to leave ... What should I do, how to find out what is really going on in his head?

Valentine

Good afternoon! The situation is this: I am 36 years old. I am married 2 times. 10 years already. With her husband, the relationship is, in fact, free. He himself sometimes walks, but at the same time he respects me, loves and cares. I have never cheated on him. There is sex between us, regular and high quality, but each of us needs new exciting experiences, probably. My husband himself sometimes says that I would try and then the light in my eyes will not go out from the family routine. Well, the moment came when I was attracted by a man. I immediately lost weight, the energy appeared to go in for fitness, everything shone at home. We meet in common companies. It began with the fact that he began to show interest in me, and certain signs of attention. And with each meeting they showed up more and more. I didn't rush into the pool right away, I watched, listened, doubted if I was mistaken. But there was interest and everyone saw it. By the way, he is also married. But according to him, he also had adventures on the side.

I decided to bring clarity after he, while no one sees, hugged me and did not want to let go. He looked for a long time, without looking away. I kissed my hands. As a result, I decided to offer him a meeting. Since we are both busy, it goes without saying that I am not getting married. So she said that I was not a fool and would not create unnecessary problems, and in fact I just want to have a nice time together. I gave him a day to think and give me an answer. I’m really already tuned in to him. I already imagined how the meeting would finally happen, how dizzying it would be for me. I knew right away that it would be for a while, no matter what I fell in love with, but this interest occupied my thoughts completely. And then a day later he called me, started with a compliment, I was already delighted, but then he began to mumble and stammer, to make excuses, and in the end said that even though he would like to, but NO.

I listened calmly, he asked if he offended me and if it would complicate the friendship. I said that I would try not to complicate and not be offended. I hung up and covered me. I sobbed for an hour. Because it became very insulting, bitter, plans collapsed, self-esteem was shaken, I was rejected, and I am a beautiful woman, sometimes men were even afraid of me (at work, for example) because I was beautiful and rather strict. I understand that maybe he was scared that if details come up, my husband and his wife will recognize, and we know each other, though superficially. Maybe something else ... In a word, I have a feeling of some kind of hopelessness. She is beautiful, smart, self-sufficient, her husband allows himself to intrigue, but I tried, and nothing worked out for me. And I don't want to have novels with just anyone either. I always have a hard time getting along with men. I choose long and carefully. And how can I put things in order in my soul and not despair? And how to look at him the next time you meet.

Agata.

Hello Club.

Three months ago I found out about my husband's betrayal.

He changed when he was on a long business trip in another city. We have been living together for 12 years. He immediately said that he loved me and would never leave me. Does everything to improve relationships. But I can't get her out of my head, I think every day, and it hurts insanely.

The main problem is that he really fell in love with her and feels guilty in front of her because of the pain caused to her. And in front of me too. They corresponded from time to time, now it seems not. But I cannot get rid of the thought that they continue to communicate, it just became better to hide it from me.

There were also doubts that he was faithful to me before, especially when the children were young, and I was very tired with them (we have the same weather). Constantly thoughts revolve around his betrayal, every day I think about it. I do not hold any grudge against my husband or my mistress, but I constantly compare myself and her. Although I look very good myself, I think she is better than me.

Sorry for the confusion, it's just a mess in my head.

A little about how I live now. My husband and I have a common business, I actively help him - accounting and legal issues are on me; I look after myself, we go to the gym with my husband, we regularly go on vacation with children, we communicate with friends. I started taking design courses, I try to distract myself and start my own circle of friends. To the best of my ability, I try not to remind my husband of treason - we have already discussed everything and I consider everything that is going on in my head to be my problems.

Tell me, please, what else can you do to get rid of obsessive thoughts? Or just wait? Thank you in advance.

Marina S.

Hello!

My problem is jealousy. Married for 6 years, common 2 children, also two of my children from my first marriage live with us, a total of four. Naturally, I do not work, I take care of the house, children.

My husband is cheating on me. He talks about the betrayal himself, a few months later. Having learned about the committed fact of betrayal, I do not feel jealous. I understand that this is in the past, that this connection did not matter to him. But in the present I am going crazy and bring my spouse with control, scandals, tears, suspicions.

I don't want to get divorced. But I don’t know how to live in peace.

Yes, maybe it’s important: my husband says he doesn’t love me, but he says “where am I going from you” and “I don’t want to deny myself anything, even for the sake of you and the children.”

How to live?

Valentine

This page is from the section "The Psychology of Love".

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми