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Who how loves. E Pushkarev
Google Translate Automated Translation - Original Text
Researchers of love relationships were engaged not only in the classification of love itself, but also in what psychological type and temperament a person belongs to, in what family he was brought up.
The brightness, configuration, speed of development of love relationships determine not so much the content of the love object as the type of the nervous system, its temperament and the nature of the participants in these relationships.
The concepts of "type of nervous system" and "temperament" do not completely coincide. The first relates to human physiology - this is the speed and quality of his reactions, the second lies in the field of his psychology. The type of nervous system directly determines the temperament, but they correlate as cause and effect. Temperament is relatively stable and poorly amenable to education.
There are three main components of temperament: those related to the spheres of general activity, motor skills and emotionality. Each of these components, in turn, has a very complex multidimensional structure and different forms of psychological manifestations.
The broadest meaning in the structure of temperament is that of its component, which is designated as the general mental activity of the individual. The essence of this component lies mainly in the personality's tendency towards self-expression, effective assimilation and transformation of external reality; Of course, in this case, the direction, quality and level of implementation of these tendencies are determined by other ("meaningful") personality traits: its intellectual and characterological characteristics, the complex of its relations and motives. The degrees of activity range from lethargy, inertia and passive contemplation at one pole to the highest degrees of energy, powerful impetuosity of action and constant ascent at the other.
The group of qualities that make up the first component of temperament is closely related to the group of qualities that make up the second - the motor, or motor, its component, in which the leading role is played by the qualities associated with the function of the motor (and especially - the speech of the motor) apparatus. The need for special emphasis in the structure of temperament of this component is caused by the special meaning of motor skills as a means by which the internal dynamics of mental states with all its individual gradations is actualized. Among the dynamic qualities of the motor component, such as speed, strength, sharpness, rhythm, amplitude and a number of other signs of muscle movement should be distinguished (some of them characterize speech motor skills). The totality of the features of muscular and verbal motor skills constitutes that facet of temperament that is easier to observe and evaluate than others and therefore often serves as the basis for judging the temperament of their carrier.
The third main component of temperament is "emotionality", which is a vast complex of properties that characterize the features of the emergence, flow and cessation of various feelings, affects and moods. Compared to other components of temperament, this component is the most complex and has its own branched structure. Sensitivity, impulsivity and emotional stability are singled out as the main characteristics of "emotionality". Impressiveness expresses the subject's affective susceptibility, sensitivity to emotiogenic influences, the ability to respond with an emotional response to a stimulus that leaves others indifferent. The term "impulsivity" denotes the speed with which emotion becomes the motivating force of actions and actions without first thinking about them and consciously deciding to carry them out. Emotional lability is usually understood as the speed with which a given emotional state ceases or one experience is replaced by another.
The main components of temperament in acts of human behavior form that kind of unity of motivation, action and experience, which allows us to talk about the integrity of the manifestations of temperament and makes it possible to relatively clearly distinguish temperament from other mental formations of a personality - its orientation, character, abilities, etc.
Even Hipocrates proposed four types of temperaments: phlegmatic, sanguine, choleric, melancholic. I.P. Pavlov took the same types, but were filled with new content that determines the properties of the nervous system.
Of course, most people are of mixed types, and we can only talk about the predominance of one or another basic temperament. It should also be clarified that after I.P. Pavlov, psychologists (primarily B. M. Teplov, V. D. Nebylitsyn, V. S. Merlin), in addition to those already indicated, other parameters determining temperament were identified and now they are no longer 4, but 16. But in order not to complicate things at all, one can limit ourselves to the rather popular Pavlovian theory of temperaments.
There is a difference between temperament and character. Character is the individual originality of the mental "portrait" of a person, which manifests itself in the characteristics of a person's behavior, in his attitude to the social environment around him, to himself, to other living conditions. Character is not only temperament, but also a set of psychological traits:
- self-esteem - personal needs and claims, attitude to their appearance, mental appearance, behavior.
- features of the mental make-up - its adherence to principles or lack of principle, depth and acuteness of thinking, its activity or passivity.
- moral (including a sense of duty, conscience), and aesthetic (including a sense of humor, taste): the depth or superficiality of these feelings, persistence or instability, simplicity or complexity ...
and others depending, mainly on upbringing.
Personality is the totality of all that identity that is formed by spirit, soul, mind, character, and behavior. It is, as it were, the conductor of all inner diversity, the helm of all feelings and actions. And this is how it was revealed that the determining "quality of love" is not so much temperament and not even character, but one more important characteristic of the personality of the so-called. K. Jung's basis - four pairs of constitutional psychological functions. Despite the seeming complexity, especially if you learn about it for the first time, this very basis is well studied, described and quite suitable for practical use. This is detailed:
True love, it is also compatible love.
Friendship + Love = Filia.
Friendship + Love = Filia.
Phlegmatic.
Brief description: passive, able-bodied, slowly adapting, weak manifestation
emotions
Properties of the nervous system:
weak balanced, restrained, sedentary
Representatives: I.A. Krylov, M. I. Kutuzov, I. Newton
Sanguine
Short characteristic: active, energetic, easily adaptable
Properties of the nervous system: lively, strong, balanced, mobile
Representatives: M.Yu. Lermontov, Napoleon, V.A. Mozart
Choleric
Brief description: active, energetic, persistent, emotions are not controlled
Properties of the nervous system: easily excitable, strong, unbalanced, mobile.
Representatives: Peter I, A.S. Pushkin, A.V. Suvorov, Robespierre
Melancholic
Brief characteristic: passive, easily tired, difficult to adjust, sensitive (whiner).
Properties of the nervous system: weak, unbalanced, restrained, mobile or sedentary
Representatives: N.V. Gogol, P.I. Tchaikovsky
The main types of the nervous system that determine the types of temperament are two strong, two weak types, two balanced, two unbalanced.
A person must be happy. If he is unhappy, then he is to blame. And he is obliged, until then, to fuss over himself, until he eliminates this inconvenience or misunderstanding.
by Leo Tolstoy.
by Leo Tolstoy.
The predominance of a particular temperament in a person can be indicated by his gestures. Sanguine people have clear, energetic and not fussy gestures, melancholic people make "weak", unfinished gestures, phlegmatic people do little gestures at all. Choleric people who do not restrain emotions are more "waving their hands", their movements are sweeping and impetuous.
A phlegmatic person is usually inclined to start with friendship; he falls in love gradually without lightning-fast metamorphoses. The melancholic also slowly develops feelings, his skeptical nature usually requires more visual (and not only visual) evidence and arguments from the object of feelings before the birth of love.
The predominant cases of the formation of love feelings as a result of the "explosion" "at first sight", as a rule, refer to choleric and sanguine people. These active (although not always to the same extent) are easily excitable. As a rule, choleric and sanguine people do not hesitate to respond to an attractive image that corresponds to their individuality.
In one of the issues of Manchester Weekly, dated 1727, there is an advertisement for a certain Helen Morrison. This enterprising woman was the first to figure out how to use the opportunities of the press to arrange her personal life. This audacious act was condemned by the church.
In the study of T.V. Andreeva and A.V. Tolstova studied the influence of characteristics of temperament and other factors on the compatibility of spouses. The object of the study was well-adapted people (teachers, engineers, workers) living in a stable first marriage. Forty married couples (80 people) were interviewed, marriage experience was over 5 years. In these marital unions, the question of divorce was never raised, the spouses worked together well. Both general patterns concerning the compatibility of spouses and the peculiarities of the problems of specific married couples, with a different ratio of temperamental characteristics, were obtained.
First of all, it turned out that spouses with a very different combination of temperaments live in a stable marriage with a fairly long experience. The highest satisfaction with marriage and family relations is observed in those couples in which the spouses have the opposite temperament (sanguine – melancholic, phlegmatic – choleric). It was found that partners with opposite temperaments are statistically significantly more likely to marry for mutual love in combination with such a motive as common interests and views.
Optimal relationships (the greatest satisfaction with marriage, conflict-free distribution of roles) develop in those unions in which the spouse is sanguine and the spouse is melancholic (10% of families). Moreover, their drawings of the "ideal family" are no different from the family in which they live now. Thus, it can be assumed that I am satisfied with the relationship existing in their family today: both spouses.
It was found that in couples consisting of a choleric and a sanguine person, that is, in an incomplete relationship, spouses often compete for power over each other, argue a lot, each insists on his own, difficulties in reaching a consensus are observed. As a rule, one of the partners “wins”, defending his point of view or interests, while the other has to come to terms with the decision.
Couples in which the spouses have melancholic and phlegmatic temperaments also have lower marital satisfaction than couples with opposite temperaments. However, it should be noted that couples with such a combination of personality traits in our sample turned out to be almost 25% (this significantly exceeds the theoretical probability of the existence of such unions), and the length of their family life averaged 13 years. Consequently, despite the difficulties of interpersonal interaction, spouses manage to establish positive relationships in the family. Perhaps this combination even contributes to the stability of the relationship.
A very difficult relationship in those married couples in which the choleric and the melancholic meet. This is due to the fact that both spouses are unrestrained in their behavior and statements, but at the same time, both are vulnerable and have a hard time going through any situations in which, in their opinion, their pride is hurt. This combination of temperaments leads to a competitive relationship.
In the marriage union of a phlegmatic person and a sanguine person, there are various conflicts, dissatisfaction with each other, which usually arise on the basis of the emotional closeness of the spouses. Perhaps this is due to the fact that it is difficult for one partner (phlegmatic person) to reveal his feelings and emotions, while for the other (sanguine person), emotional experiences quickly replace each other. A couple of sanguine - choleric, most likely, will be engaged in clarification of two favorite questions for them "Why me and not you?" and "Who is in charge in our family?"
In families in which the spouses have the same temperaments (according to our data, especially if such a combination as phlegmatic-phlegmatic is found in a couple), the relationship is most complicated. In these families, there are often temporary breaks in relations between spouses, and even having children is not a deterrent.
Sexologists have noticed that temperament, as a dynamic characteristic of the nervous system, affects a person's sexuality. Choleric people, sanguine people, phlegmatic people and melancholic people behave completely differently in bed. When choosing a partner for the rest of your life, pay attention - are you compatible by temperament?
So, for example, choleric people are very sexual. They are temperamental, but unlike sanguine people, they are prone to mood swings. And then they have no time for sex. A choleric person can attack his partner with reproaches, arrange a scene of jealousy. His emotionality is reflected in his intimate life. The choleric loves sex, but it always seems to him that something has not been given to him, so he rarely gets complete moral satisfaction from making love. If the choleric is not in the mood, do not bother him with sex - this will anger him even more. Better help deal with the bad mood. Delicious lunch, gentle words, massage (choleric people love affection). However, if he is in a good mood, then sex with them is varied and original. However, choleric people are unlikely to be able to stretch the pleasure for the whole night: they quickly become aroused and just as quickly go out.
Sanguine people are passionate and loving, ready to have sex all day long, without feeling tired. Never blame a sanguine person for being too sexy - this will offend him. Sanguine women usually do not need a long foreplay - they flare up instantly and do not go out for a very long time. Sanguine people always manage to come up with something new, adding variety to intimate life, which delights the partner a lot. However, if a partner comes across boring, not loving sex, sanguine people with a light heart will go in search of a new chosen one. If your partner is sanguine, take the initiative from time to time, supporting all his love impulses. The more passion and less complexes, the stronger your bond.
Phlegmatic people are inertial and this is not always a plus in bed. The prudence of phlegmatic people interferes with intimate relationships. Sex for them is far from the most important part of life. They can forget about him for a long time if the partner does not remind him in time. It is not easy to excite a phlegmatic person, it takes him much more time, in contrast to sanguine and choleric people. Time-tested means will help spur his sexual attraction: beautiful underwear, gentle words that he is the best, erotic literature “accidentally” left in a prominent place. Sex with phlegmatic people is not replete with extravagance, they prefer to do everything the old fashioned way, without any frills.
Melancholic, if they fall in love with someone, they look after very beautifully: they shower the object of passion with love messages, poems, flowers, promising to give the whole world in addition. In sex, melancholic people wait until they are conquered and petted. They often prefer platonic love to carnal love. Melancholic men are sentimental and gentle in bed. If your chosen one is melancholic, you will have to take on the responsibilities of a leader, while not forgetting to pay him compliments more often, trying to show more tact and understanding. Do not pay attention to his whims and even more so do not make scandals for him and then everything will be in order.
Having examined 3,500 people, he found that potency and orgasm disorders are much more common in people with a weak type of nervous system (melancholic). The greatest difficulties in the sexual sphere, as well as in human relationships in general, are experienced by people who are not sufficiently contact, emotionally inhibited, suffering from an inferiority complex or overestimated / low self-esteem.
Sexologist Z. Schnabl
Sexologist Z. Schnabl
So, in unions with different combinations of temperaments, different problems appear, which are more or less successfully solved by spouses. We can talk about a tendency towards different satisfaction with marital relations with a different combination of temperaments, but not about compatibility - incompatibility as a certain once and for all given state. In addition, there is such a "filter" as premarital selection, in which, probably, most of the persons with incompatible characteristics (for example, two choleric people) reject each other.
There are several typologies on our site: given - temperaments;
Classification of psychosexual types;
Description of the characteristics of socionic types.
But the most developed, so that you can use it in your life, with specific recommendations and explanations, is the socionic typology:
Read "How love is viewed in socionics"
From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony.
It should be noted that the temperament of the nervous system and sexual temperament, which is determined by the type of sexual constitution, are not the same thing and they do not directly correlate.
Test your temperament, character, etc. others can be done by:
Irina Zaitseva “Big book of tests. Get to know yourself and your loved ones "
M.A. Zemnov, V.A. Mironov “Do you know yourself. 80 popular tests "
Elena Tunik “Psychodiagnostics of creative thinking. Creative tests "
"Collection. The man of my dreams - who is he? Useful tests for women "
Great encyclopedia of psychological tests
Books are in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
Relationships in the family where he was brought up have a great influence on how a person will love.
If you grew up in a home where both parents were happy in their marriage, then your view of the family will be overwhelmingly positive. This position is the most valuable contribution to the future family.
K. Young in the USA and D. Sherwood in England found that the strongest marriages are observed in those people who were brought up in complete and prosperous families, and have a sister close in age. Such men are 2.5 times less likely to get divorced, moreover, they commit three times less offenses and five times less often go to jail!
These data are confirmed in a study by the Moscow psychologist T.I. Dymnova (1998) (on a sample of 800 parental families of students of a pedagogical university) studied the dependence of the characteristics of married families on parental ones. Thus, 72% of spouses of stable families came from complete families, while among divorced people who came from a complete family accounted for only 20%. The parents of both spouses were divorced only in 4% of cases in persons who maintained a stable marriage for up to 3 years, and in 20% of divorced young people.
According to Boudet (1977), an individual learns his marital role based on his identification with a parent of the same sex. Forms of parental relationships become the standard for the individual. In marriage, both partners try to adapt their relationship to their internal schemes.
Girls who grew up in a family where their parents are divorced should be especially careful. Sociologist Bert Adams discovered the following fact: daughters from two-parent families are more positive, responsible, conscientious about marriage and are more reserved about premarital sexual experiments. And girls from broken up families with less value belong to a complete family, are easier to divorce and have more sexual partners.
Daughters of divorced parents in adulthood are more likely to experience fear of love, falling in love and relationships. They more often point out that marriage rarely happens for life, that they are not worthy of love, that they want to leave work and get into a new environment with new people. They are more inclined to think that it is better to postpone having children until you are sure that you can provide for them yourself, that men cannot be trusted.
Psychologist N.V. Pushkin
Without a father, "incomplete" families are threatened with the fate of becoming "dysfunctional" already and regardless of their security. After all, the main difference between “complete” and “incomplete” families is not at all in their finances, but in the fact that they create children as completely different psychological products, which inevitably manifests itself already in their own families, making their existence constantly balancing on the brink divorce ...
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And any girl who grew up without a father begins to love her man at first "like a mother" (otherwise she simply does not know how), but soon discovers that he is "not quite a mother"; moreover, it is impossible to love him "like a mother" - something completely, completely different from her relationship is required here. What exactly she does not know, but cannot understand on her own - she does not have a matrix of relations with a man as such, that is, both emotionally and with another being - she did not have a father. And any difficulties and conflicts only accelerate the inevitable break with him, long programmed by her mother.
Vladimir Ivanov "Love and the Wars of the Sexes". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
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And any girl who grew up without a father begins to love her man at first "like a mother" (otherwise she simply does not know how), but soon discovers that he is "not quite a mother"; moreover, it is impossible to love him "like a mother" - something completely, completely different from her relationship is required here. What exactly she does not know, but cannot understand on her own - she does not have a matrix of relations with a man as such, that is, both emotionally and with another being - she did not have a father. And any difficulties and conflicts only accelerate the inevitable break with him, long programmed by her mother.
Vladimir Ivanov "Love and the Wars of the Sexes". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
An analysis of the characteristics of those dating service clients who, even after receiving many offers to get acquainted (over 15 for women and 25 for men), did not change their marital status, showed, in particular, that they had an insufficient example of family life in childhood - 83% of women surveyed and 79% of men came from single-parent families, 85% of women and 81% of men did not have brothers and sisters (Navaitis G., 1999). And therefore, their appeal to the dating service had an abstract nature without a clear motivation.
An excerpt from the letter"... . My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, but I don't remember exactly. My father still holds a grudge against my mother, and for me he has always been an example in life. Even when I was 10 years old, he told the story that his new wife gave birth to a child from him (even when he was married to my mother) because she loved him and just wanted to get pregnant from him, and raise the child alone. When she gave birth to a boy, my father went to her. Now he also left them, living at the moment with a young woman with a child.
I began to live alone, having moved to Moscow, at the age of 18 (now I'm 23) I always had plans to raise my child alone. I'm not against men at all, at a party, a romantic walk in the park. I have a positive and relaxed attitude towards sex. But constantly, for years to be with a man in close, intimate, trusting relationship, it is not just unnatural, it is hard labor.
And so I met another young man. He has peace and quiet in his family. Parents love each other or pretend, who will define them? He invited me to marry him, I am in great thought. I like his courtship, courtesy, positiveness. But from time to time from this "jelly" such deadly boredom rolls over me. I easily get to know other guys and have fun with them to the fullest. After that, fate, or rather his perseverance, brings me back to my boyfriend. And again I am becoming a good girl who is terribly afraid of her own freaks. I am terribly afraid of myself, my past. Every time we quarrel, even over trifles, I imagine that I will say something from which he will leave me forever. I do not want to feel either abandoned or guilty, and I think that with the other he will be better. How can you get rid of your quirks, thoughts that I'm not worthy of him? " Celena,
There is a term phylogamous (monophilogamous) family, it is a family based on the love of parents - filia.
Friendship + Love = Filia. E. Pushkarev.
In a stable, monophilogamous family, a child is brought up in a completely different way. The quality of his upbringing a priori surpasses the quality of upbringing in a monogamous family, where love between husband and wife is not obligatory. In such a family, there is not a simple reproduction of offspring, but a qualitative reproduction. Any practice will confirm this: children who grew up in families without love are different from those who grew up in a loving family.
D. political science Alex Battler "On Love, Family and State" The book is in our library
If a child receives less from his parents, or receives, but in a distorted form: love, tenderness, affection, acceptance, warmth, then he “closes in on himself”, strengthening the egoistic foundations of his biological nature, and learns to love himself alone. This developed and consolidated egoism, aggression, opposition, resistance, anger is used by the child as a means of protection from an unfavorable (and at times unbearable) environment.
D.pskh.n MI Rosenova "LOVE + EDUCATION = HEALTH OF THE NATION"
You cannot teach a person to be happy, but you can educate him so that he is happy.
A.S. Makarenko
The best that a man can do for his children is to love their mother.
Ya. Vishnevsky
An excerpt from a letter from a man raised by the same mother.
"... I can't even imagine this, if I had a child, he would inevitably grow up with such a character as mine, and this is terrible. I live with my mother, she is all my life dedicated to me, but I can't understand why? What did she do wrong, that such a moral monster grew up? Yes, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't use drugs ... but if this can be called virtues, then they are exhausted ...
I am smart, interesting, broad-minded. Well, so what? I hardly talk to my mother, I am not interested in this, and I feel sorry for her. I don't want us to be closer ... I look at people at work, they are almost all younger than me, but they have wives and children, and they are happy. I could not live like them, this way of life, it terrifies me. but they are good. and I envy that they can be happy. I cannot even theoretically apply all this to myself ... And my inability to be happy with my wide range of interests and a fairly eventful life worries me. Such people become suicides...". Gleb, 36 years old.
Domestic researcher of the problem of motherhood and maternal love, Professor V.A. Ramikh notes that a mother's love is unconditional. However, here she points out, "as far as maternal love is concerned, in reality the situation is not as simple and obvious as it seems at first glance."
V.A. Ramikh distinguishes several types of maternal love, conditionally reducible to two main types:
- altruistic, sacrificial love, which has a positive, constructive character for the development of the child;
- selfish, blind love of a mother for her child, leading to deformation of his personality. In the latter case, “the child ... becomes an object of overprotection, depriving him of any independence in actions and thoughts, disfiguring and breaking his creative potential, depriving him of self-realization. Maternal love is actually devalued here, replaced by something else, namely, the attitude towards children
as a means of realizing egoistic and sometimes vain aspirations.
Ramikh V.A. "Motherhood and Culture".
A vivid example of maternal selfish love "Great and terrible mother?" S. Lynov
The problems of motherhood are much more complicated than it is described in pop publications, as the church presents it: you give birth, and then God will help. A trend is emerging that has indicated the emotional burnout of mothers with weak maternal resources, especially when, under the influence of a stimulating factor - maternal capital, they give birth to their second and subsequent children. The consequence of this is an increasing number of disliked children with a weakened, low level of psychological health.
Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev
Nobel laureate writer and philosopher Albert Camus never saw his father and, being the son of a dumb and almost deaf woman from birth, did not see the connection between marriage and love. His attempt to start a family ended in crushing failure, and the choice of his chosen one, a sexy and scandalous drug addict, shocked even close friends. The intimate life of the philosopher reflected his unpreparedness for a normal family life. In his original and insightful portrayal of reality in his literary and philosophical works, Camus amazed with his personal inability and impracticality in family life.
Other circumstances of your past married life will also affect your chances of successfully starting a family. Your marriage is more likely to succeed if (in order of importance):
- Your parents are happily married
- You had a happy childhood
- There was no conflict with the mother
- Your discipline at home was firm but not tough
- You were very attached to your mother
- You were very attached to your father
- There were no conflicts with my father
- Your parents talked honestly with you about sex
- Your childhood punishments were rare and gentle
- You are waiting and have a positive attitude towards sex, free from disgust, fear and dislike
- Your parents are happily married
- You had a happy childhood
- There was no conflict with the mother
- Your discipline at home was firm but not tough
- You were very attached to your mother
- You were very attached to your father
- There were no conflicts with my father
- Your parents talked honestly with you about sex
- Your childhood punishments were rare and gentle
- You are waiting and have a positive attitude towards sex, free from disgust, fear and dislike
Without good fathers, there is no good upbringing, despite all the schools.
N. Karamzin.
N. Karamzin.
Bert Adams put harmonious, happy relations between spouses in the first place, as a factor influencing the value of the family for children, but what happens when the relationship is difficult.
Letter to the Club. : The thing is, I'm a failure. I'm 30 years old, and life is pretty bad. Living with my parents, who are in eternal struggle with each other, made me a hysterical neurosis. As a child, tears washed away the consequences of their quarrels, but now I understand that nothing was washed away, I grew up frail and sickly. Doctors often shrugged their shoulders, not understanding the cause of the high temperature (this continues to this day). In adolescence, scandals, scandals, another scandal led me to a nervous breakdown, I lay sick for a year, half blind, half deaf, however, then it passed.
Now I am a grown woman. My life is complete bullshit, just existence. I used to sympathize with the problem of parents. And now I hate them. And I want to be as far away from them as possible. Alas, for health reasons and complete social failure, she is forced to live with them. Now, after so many years, the parents seem to have found a common language, smiling at each other, joking, jealous. And I hate to look at them. I used to feel guilty that I was always sick and that they were a big hindrance. And now I suddenly realized that the cause of my illnesses is in them, they made me this way.
I cannot build normal relationships with people, everything quickly bothers me. I don't believe in friendship, in devotion. And love is generally beyond my understanding. Relations with men are not so hot, I cool down to them when I get used to it, and if I do not cool down, then something is still not going well. Now I am meeting with a person who is interesting to me, but wildly frightened by the approaching familiar feeling of cooling, irritation. I would not like to lose him, but I am already moving away from him. Any talk about marriage, about children is terrifying.
Even when I laugh, I remember that I will definitely pay afterwards. Evdokia.
Only 17% of adolescents expressed a desire to have relationships in the future family similar to their parents.
An incident from life. Sofia Kurkovskaya (after the marriage Kovalevskaya), an outstanding mathematician was born in 1850, she was the second daughter. Sophia was an unwanted child because everyone was waiting for the boy, besides, shortly before that, her father had lost a lot at cards and was forced to pawn his mother's jewelry. Emotional coldness, irritability of parents in relation to Sofa developed in her such traits as isolation, stubbornness, resentment, craving for solitude. At the age of 5, she began to write poetry and was already dreaming of a career as a poet, but at the age of 15, her parents pasted wallpaper over Sofa's room with lithographs from a textbook on higher mathematics. Sophia was interested in the signs on the wallpaper, she first looked at them, studied them, this interested her so much that she began to look for books in which she tried to find answers, so she began to study higher mathematics on her own. And when she began to seek advice from the teachers, they were amazed at her knowledge of higher mathematics, this encouraged her even more, tuned in to continue the study of this exact science.
Fyodor Dostoevsky wooed her older sister Anyuta, and she refused him, the vexed writer ardently said that the Sofa was much more interesting and meaningful than her. Blushing Sophia stood in the corner of the room, experiencing pleasure and childhood love for the writer.
Both Anna and Sophia dreamed of going abroad to continue their studies there. The parents set a condition: get married, and if your husband permits, then study further, no, you will live with him here. At that time, the practice of fictitious marriages was widespread, and the sisters decided to find Anyuta a suitable candidate. And they soon found such a candidate, it turned out to be Vladimir Kovalevsky, who himself was going to go to study in Europe. But for a fictitious marriage, he chose Sopha because he liked her better. The marriage was formalized to the general pleasure and the newlyweds (Vladimir was 26 years old, Sophia was 18) left for Austria to continue their studies. They studied at different universities and even in different cities, and therefore they often corresponded. Vladimir was the first to fall in love with his wife, and later, when they graduated from universities, Sophia fell in love with him. They returned to Russia, and in 1872 their daughter Fufa was born.
Recurrent marriage. Incentives for the restoration of an already broken marriage.
32% - the realization that their own behavior before the divorce was wrong
28% - the determination to be more tolerant of the partner's behavior
19% - to keep the father (mother) for their child
5% - wanted to restore their family, fear of loneliness
16% - other reasons
32% - the realization that their own behavior before the divorce was wrong
28% - the determination to be more tolerant of the partner's behavior
19% - to keep the father (mother) for their child
5% - wanted to restore their family, fear of loneliness
16% - other reasons
They had a difficult financial situation, and therefore both of them devoted a lot of time to raising funds for their livelihood. Sophia did not like that her husband pays little attention to her, she understood that she was more talented than him and wanted Vladimir to pay more attention not to science, but to her, her family, this created tension in their relationship. At the family council, they decide that in order to improve their financial situation, they should start entrepreneurship and invest all their savings in construction. Able scientists, they turned out to be unsuccessful entrepreneurs and soon went broke.
At this stage, Sofia's children's "unwanted child complex" showed itself in the most dramatic way. Having received less warmth and attention in childhood, she made exaggerated demands on her husband, she unconsciously tried to make up for this deficit.
But she had everything: a loving and beloved husband, daughter, favorite job, respect of colleagues, fame. And she makes an inadequate decision: she chooses a path that guarantees her increased attention and respect. Sophia leaves her daughter to be raised by a relative, breaks up with her husband and leaves for Europe to study and teach at the same time. Vladimir cannot survive the problems and mental stress that have fallen on him and commits suicide. So at 33, Sophia becomes a widow. At this time, she is engaged in science a lot and successfully, which brings her world fame and glory.
American researchers have established that if one of the spouses comes from a divorced family, the couple's chance of divorce doubles; if both - 3 times.
Sophia had a whirlwind romance with the Norwegian polar explorer and Nobel Peace Prize laureate Fridtjof Nansen. This romance ended in nothing, since Nansen already had a family, moreover, he was very loving. And for Sophia it was unacceptable, again a serious mental trauma.
Life brings her once again to the person who falls in love with her. By coincidence, he turns out to be her namesake - Maxim Kovalevsky, he is also a scientist, professor. Taking part in scientific discussions, he allows critical statements about Sophia's works, which is absolutely normal, but she takes it with resentment. Increased resentment and the following sharpness, and this time do not allow the full development of love feelings.
Studies of monkeys (rhesus monkeys) by the American psychologist Harry Harlow, have revealed that they already have the ability to love, that is, to individual, selective, emotional attachment. Especially important is Harlow's conclusion that a mother's love for her cub, contact caresses and attention affect not only the development of communicative qualities and emotional attachments, but even copulatory manifestations. Those. cubs deprived of maternal love and affection in childhood grew up mentally and socially handicapped, incapable of reproducing offspring.
A case from life. When Svetlana and Igor felt that their feeling was sufficiently verified, they filed an application with the registry office. Everything was ready for the wedding: a veil, a white dress, a banquet hall was ordered, relatives from different regions were invited. But in the morning on the day of registration, the unexpected happened. Igor called Svetlana and said that that night he had a bad dream and now he had a heavy premonition, he began to persuade Svetlana to postpone the wedding to another time.
Vasily, who was supposed to be a witness at the wedding, without waiting for Igor at the appointed place, decided to go to Svetlana's apartment and find out the reason for what happened. He assumed that something had happened to the car and Igor was now solving this problem there.
When Vasily came to Svetlana, he saw a tear-stained and upset bride. Upon learning the details, he was very surprised. He was even more surprised when Svetlana invited him to become her husband and go to the registry office right now. At first this proposal seemed absurd and unacceptable to Vasily, but after a few minutes he agreed. A year later, they had a daughter. And Vasily and Svetlana not only did not regret this turn of events, but also thanked fate for the dream that Igor had dreamed.
E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTENED LOVE"
This is one of the chapters of the book
"LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.
Club: Temperament is an important characteristic of a person, therefore on our site there are descriptions of various types of temperaments, between which there is no direct correlation. Particular attention is paid to describing temperament combinations for better compatibility.
Temperaments in love. Most! Most! .
Socionic temperament. V. Stukas, E. Untilova
Articles related to the same topic:
Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev
The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.
Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev
Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev
Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev
Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev
Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev
Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.
Principles and rights of a confident person. I. and L. Shiryaevs
Love is not for the infantile! E. Belyakova
I want to understand myself. I. and L. Shiryaevs
Who needs professional psychological help and in what cases ?. I. and L. Shiryaevs
Riddles of sexual compatibility. V.V. Meged.
In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." almost 2000 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.
You can learn about the variety of the indicated problem from the letters that came to the Club
Hello, for the first time in my life I am writing a letter to someone's mailing list, usually I just read and analyze what I accept and what I don't, but here it started. My name is Tatiana, I'm 26, I really love life, your thoughts are close to me and in most cases I understand and accept them. Of course, love is the most important thing, love is life. However, despite the fact that I know all this, I cannot, or rather, I am very afraid to love a man, I am afraid of pain, lies, betrayal, I am afraid of losing my peace of mind. I can love him as a person, with all his advantages and disadvantages, and then it is easy and calm for me, but when feelings change, and I look at him as my man, I want to cry, I want to get rid of these feelings, just run away, eliminate this situation from my life. I am a very calm and self-confident person, reasonable enough, my only drawback that I would like to get rid of is the problem I described. I also know its reasons, I understand that all men cannot be considered potential "pain-killers", but I don’t understand how I can cope with it.
I look forward to your advice and comments. Tatiana
Greetings to the Club. In order about your doubts. While still at the institute, I fell in love with Larisa, a classmate. Then I was a typical nerd: a fat, insecure bespectacled man, afraid to raise his eyes to a beautiful girl. Larisa was the most visible on the course, of course she had many fans. During our studies, we were together a couple of times, we were on the way, but I did not interest her, did not make an impression. After the institute, Larisa did not forget, tried not to lose sight of her, several times congratulated her on the holidays. Larisa did not marry, but she seemed to live with someone for a while.
Now I am a leading specialist in a large company, I make good money doing
physical education, lost extra pounds, gained self-confidence. Larissa knows about mine
successes, began to show interest in me and does not even hide that this interest is due to the fact that
youth is leaving, among the obvious admirers there is nothing suitable, that I am the one for her
a suitable couple, and love is generally an incomprehensible phenomenon. Now in connection with my successful
the current situation , other girls and women began to pay attention to me , which is not
was in his student years. I still like Larisa the most, but I would like
so that they would love me too, and not by cold calculation, as she is interested in me. All in doubt
can you advise. Vlad.
Hello Eugene! I'm under a lot of stress.
A 22-year-old son wants to get married. In addition to material costs, I am worried about something else.
When is it still time? What is the life of those young people who are not in a hurry to the altar in the literal sense?
What do they fill their time with besides work and socializing? Taking into account my experience, I think that the later the better.
And you need to start a family when you already need a child. The son says: I will get married - I will grow up faster and become independent, an incentive will appear, etc.
I'm confused. Can't you grow up in a civil marriage? Although people disagree with any option. I'm afraid of that too. And I'm not ready to be a grandmother. Help with advice. Valentina Vasilievna
Hello Evgeny.
I ask you to help me in my situation, because I do not know what to do and what to do to make it easier.
I met my boyfriend six months ago. We fell in love with each other immediately, after a month we began to live together. Everything was fine, there were no scandals, quarrels, everything was decided by compromises ... until the last week ...
He has a former classmate, his first love. Now she lives in Orenburg, but sometimes comes home. She just arrived recently. And the calls to the home phone began with silence in response, a note in the mailbox that she had arrived. Through whoever they tried to find out his phone number, they even introduced themselves from work.
I could not resist and told him, showed a feeling of jealousy ... after two minutes of our conversation, he said that he no longer needed me, that he could not do that.
Absolutely everything collapsed at one moment. He does not come home, he spends the night with his parents. And when he comes in after work, I ask him to take me with him, and I hear in response that he has nothing to do with me. I tell him that I miss, and in response I hear that it is worse only for me. She asks to leave him. He says that his feelings have passed, but I don’t believe ... I don’t want to believe. He says that it will be better for me, that he is a pig, that nothing good will come of us.
I still expect to wake up in the morning, and everything will be the same as before, but nothing happens and it only makes it worse. I know that he has no one, but I also don’t understand what happened, that in one conversation he changed so dramatically that he didn’t even want to come home when I’m at home. But I love him.
Tell me how to be in this situation? I do not want to lose him, he is very dear to me, and at the same time it hurts me very much from this attitude towards me. I myself do not understand anything, and there is no one to consult with. I would be very grateful for your answer.
Regards, Angela
Hello I am 20 years old, for two years I have been dating MCH (a young man) a year older than me. It seems that everything is fine, he is a rarity in our time, he loves me very much, carries me in his arms, does not smoke, does not like to "walk".
I love him too, we are close emotionally and spiritually, we have common interests (we love technology, computers and all that).
What finds me - I do not understand, I constantly want something and do not want at the same time. I think: what if I meet someone better (richer), suddenly I deserve more happiness?
Mom often says: you are so smart, you know languages, you are beautiful, you can go far: and she keeps repeating this to me. Knows that it is easy to influence me, I am gullible.
She wants me to meet a wealthy and intelligent man, although we ourselves do not live well.
Sometimes MCH and I quarrel, because I no longer know what I want, I begin to ruin our relationship, find fault, from somewhere terrible unreasonable jealousy, capriciousness.
My MCH is very serious about me, wants to get married in the future, and a child, and now - only peace of mind on my part.
I feel sorry for him, sorry for myself. Books on psychology do not save me, I need your wise advice, I am afraid to ruin my life. Markiza
Good afternoon. I have been married for a month. Before marriage, they had known each other for 5 months. I knew that my young man was a man with an explosive character, but before the wedding he freaked out very rarely and really on business, when nothing else helped, when something was said to me a couple of times in a calm tone, but I did not, although she understood that she was not right. After the wedding, the situation changed, my husband began to yell literally every day over trifles. Here are some examples. He asked me to write down something under dictation, I started to write everything down completely, he looked at the paper and started yelling, why are you writing everything completely, you are wasting my time, shorten the words, so much irritation in my voice, so much anger. Yesterday he did not like how I cut a cucumber, he again came up and started yelling, you cut the cucumber wrong, again with anger and irritation and very loudly. After that, I get hysterical, I roar non-stop for an hour. To this he says, you are inventing everything, I am not yelling, this is my character, I speak normally and I will not apologize, get used to it. But this is not normal !!! This is how people shout when something terrible happened. I can't get used to it, no one has ever yelled at me in this life, I myself am calm. For me, such a situation is humiliating, and he says, I also don’t like that you are slow, but I am silent, all people are different. At the same time, my husband says that he loves me. I can’t convince him, I don’t yell and he says everything. I’m depressed for the second day, I don’t know what to do, I know that I can’t put up with it, but for him this is the norm. He yells at his employees at work and yells on the road while driving. What to do, is it possible to soften such people, what is the reason, how to convince them. Or is it just a divorce? (((((I would be grateful for any advice! I'm desperate. Olya
Hello. My name is Ksenia and I am 21 years old. I have been dating a guy for 4 years. relationship is not very much we constantly swear and part .. he has rich parents. And it seems to me that I met him for money. It seems to me that now I don’t love him and only a habit remains .. but I can’t date him either. I don’t know and don’t understand what happened, but he became physically disgusting to me. I can’t kiss him, but there’s no other question. I'm just starting to feel sick, from him: I don't understand what happened. Now we are at odds with him. And I started dating another boy who is not rich, but I have a passion for him: But I know that I do not want anything serious with him, even though he is good because, firstly, he is not rich, and secondly, I have nothing not resolved with the other. In general, I got confused and I don't know what to do: please help me, I started to get severe depression, I don't want to do anything: Ksenia
Hello. Maybe you can explain to me what my problem is. I just don't understand why ... how to describe it ... why, when I just met my boyfriend, when there were first dates, I felt that I could not live without this person, that I want to see him again and again, that I love him ... But at the same time I was tormented: how does he treat me, does he think about me, and what if I did something wrong, said? And then, when the relationship a little "settled down", established, I began to understand that I was becoming ... indifferent to this person! And in general, I noticed that as soon as a relationship loses its "mystery", it becomes boring and unnecessary to me. Why such inconsistency? Maybe I don't need a relationship at all, but an increase in self-esteem? I don't know ... got confused ... tell me?
Nastya.
Hello Eugene. I apologize in advance for disturbing you. But the correct answer, which I am unable to find on my own, is extremely important to me. I would like to consult with you. I'll tell you what advice is actually needed. I am lost. I am now 19 years old, I have been dating a young man for almost 4.5 years. Imagine, this has been with Him since the age of 14. He loves me madly, I, respectively, too, but lately I am beginning to realize that I am very young, that I need to take a walk !! I am beginning to understand that I simply may not see my youth. Only because I can jump out in marriage: and that's all! He doesn't let me go anywhere, and even if he lets me go, then with great anxiety in my soul, or I just do as I want (all my friends go to the club ... but I need to ask for time off: even then he won't let go, he won't let me go ... who knows), and in the end - quarrels ... I understand that he cares about me, but we must not forget that I have my own personal space ... that I also want to have no, no, so much fun ... I want something different, some kind of variety. Begins, so to speak, to pull to the left. I would like to meet all new and new people, to communicate.
Yes, and another nuance: maybe it's just a loss of interest or something else: I'm developing, naturally, I'm not the same as I was before, in terms of growing up, changing: I work, study at the evening department at the institute second year and try to see him every day for at least an hour. In addition, I want to further develop and develop. I have a slightly different warehouse. He all thinks that everything is wrong with him, that everything is bad (childhood was difficult, etc.). I studied at school until the 9th grade, entered the school, there I studied as a car mechanic, and then, unfortunately, no. Now he works, but he can never stay in one place - he constantly does not like something. He is very impatient and temperamental man. Maybe it's all because of, so to speak, the social side? In general, I don't know, I think a lot: a lot of assumptions. And I wanted to ask what you think about this!
What should I do, what are the next steps? Or maybe something else? There are a lot of questions, a lot of things that mislead me . Forgive me that everything is so confused ... I just want to say a lot, but this is only 1/4 of my total loss ... Klava
Hello dear Club!
I am 22 years old.
I have a problem: I do not know how to be friends with men. After several unsuccessful romances, I understood this very clearly. Relations with all my young people developed very quickly, even too quickly. After several dates, they ended up at my house and ... you know. They themselves called our relationship a "romance", that is, nothing serious, but just sex.
But I don't want that! I want real love, deep and trusting relationships. Moreover, I know that I am capable of such a relationship, at least in theory. The fact is that I grew up without a father, and it was very difficult for me to understand how you can communicate with men, except romantically.
In my childhood I was a kind of kid, I played football with the boys, but I was always a little afraid of them or something, because for me they were like from another planet.
I won't say that much has changed now. I still can't just be friends with a man. I always think of him as a possible sexual partner in hindsight. They say love is "friendship + sex." With the second part, everything is fine, but with friendship ...
What should I do in such a situation? I really want the next relationship to be different, real. And I'm ready to work on myself for this, but how?
Sahara
I am 22 years old.
I have a problem: I do not know how to be friends with men. After several unsuccessful romances, I understood this very clearly. Relations with all my young people developed very quickly, even too quickly. After several dates, they ended up at my house and ... you know. They themselves called our relationship a "romance", that is, nothing serious, but just sex.
But I don't want that! I want real love, deep and trusting relationships. Moreover, I know that I am capable of such a relationship, at least in theory. The fact is that I grew up without a father, and it was very difficult for me to understand how you can communicate with men, except romantically.
In my childhood I was a kind of kid, I played football with the boys, but I was always a little afraid of them or something, because for me they were like from another planet.
I won't say that much has changed now. I still can't just be friends with a man. I always think of him as a possible sexual partner in hindsight. They say love is "friendship + sex." With the second part, everything is fine, but with friendship ...
What should I do in such a situation? I really want the next relationship to be different, real. And I'm ready to work on myself for this, but how?
Sahara
This page is from the section "The Psychology of Love".
