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How to get rid of "love"? E Pushkarev

Love finds meaning only by being mutual.
Leonardo Felice Buscaglia.

Love addiction is a type of additive behavior with fixation on one person, perceived as passionate love. This behavioral disorder leads to the impossibility of starting a family or destroys the family, to conflicts, crimes, suicide, psychosomatic and neurotic disorders. Patients with this disorder rarely seek psychological and medical help due to the low publicity of this disorder. Therefore, it is very important for the prevention of love addiction to inform the population about this disease and the differences between normal love and love addiction.
Candidate of Medical Sciences, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychiatry S.I. Voroshilin

To escape from prison, you have to realize that you are sitting in it.
G. Gurdjieff

"How to get rid of love" is one of the most frequently asked questions with which contact the Club.
Hello, Eugene! I have the same as most women are a classic situation - an affair with a married man. When meeting sympathy developed immediately, then more, then recognition, and then - the solution is sex for sex and nothing else. No matter how stupid it sounds !!!! No promises (from his part), no hopes (from mine). It all came to the conclusion that from sympathy, a huge love was born, with which I do not know what to do! Live without him - hard, with him - good. But this is not enough - stolen time or stolen. Of course, he cannot leave the family, as always, because of children. I don't know what to do next - such a relationship eats up, but without it worse. I tried to get acquainted - a dead number. I'm tired, and he is tired. How to be next? How to get rid of love, which has become a painful burden? I understand that I myself must find the answer to such a question, find the path - which will lead to the correct decision - is not yet there. May be you you can give a hint how not to get lost in your feelings. In advance grateful, Elena.

Man is the master of his own inner universe. And how wonderful, how responsibly and how difficult it is to legally rule your own inner world, in comparison, with which any rule over an external state seems insignificant and does not deserve the attention of the wise.

Another letter.
Hello! Please tell me how you can get rid of love that pesters me a lot. 1.5 years ago I met one person, we met for almost a year. I really liked him, but it so happened that we had to part. I thought I would forget HIM it will be easy, especially after some time has passed. But it all turned out like times, on the contrary. I constantly think about HIM and ask myself, maybe this is there was real love. Maybe I did something wrong. With the guys i I meet, but with none of them I do not feel what I felt with HIM. to me it seemed that HIM and I were very similar internally, we had a lot in general, we even had similar habits. And now, meeting a guy, I I immediately notice that we are completely different people, with different attitudes towards life. How can one get rid of this obsession?
Please tell me how you can forget someone you love, if you can no longer be with him. Thank you in advance. Marina

Love shouldn't be my master.

Another option.
... I'm married but I managed to fall in love. At first it was funny, but when she fell in love with her, she was no longer happy. Advise how to get rid of this unnecessary love ...

In such situations, especially on the body of a talk show, one can hear a naive - philistine advice: “Stop toil about the foolishness. Throw him out of your head, he is not worthy of you, Look how beautiful you are, young will come and true love to you. "

A lover has a natural reaction to such advice: “I tried to forget him a thousand times, but thoughts about him are so uncontrollable, intrusive, painful that I am powerless in front of them. These thoughts pester not only during the day, but also at night, and when you need to sleep and when you need to work. They spoil the mood, well-being, relationships with family and friends. I'm turning into a zombie. "

Let's look at this question first at the level of reason - the head, and only then at the level of the soul - the heart.

In this situation, psychology, or rather psychotechnics, can help, first stop acute mental pain, then learn to regulate and manage it, and then neutralize it. And it all starts with understanding the situation, what is happening to the person, what kind of feelings that were so raging.

After mental and intellectual work, there will come an understanding of what is white, what is black, mental suffering will not stop immediately, but on the other hand, there will be light at the end of the tunnel and a plan of action. Moreover, the understanding of one's amorous misfortune, frustration has different qualities, and the higher they are - comprehensive understanding and awareness, the more the lover acquires the ability to manage, get rid of his suffering, and then experiences. You can even say this: "Knowledge, understanding, awareness of the ongoing processes are the main tools in the fight against amorous disorders."

UNDERSTANDING - characterized by clear internal coherence, logical order, facts are combined into a single logical system. It is appropriate to recall the expression of I.P. Pavlova: "While there is no idea in the head, the eyes do not see the facts." And another famous said: "The more you know, the more you can."

And if the heart is breaking
Removes stitches without a doctor, -
Know that from the heart - the head is ...
M. Tsvetaeva

Love and being in love are two different in nature the senses. (detailed about this:
Different feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

True love, it is also compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

Here are just some of the differences:
Love can only be mutual
Falling in love is mutual, partially mutual and one-sided.

True love is not maybe without reciprocity.
MM Prishvin

Love is born, develops on the base, unchanging in throughout life psychological functions (discovered by C.G. Jung). That's why it lasts, as a rule, all life. Lyubov Z.N. Gippius D.S. Merezhkovsky lasted 52 years, until the last day of Dmitry Sergeevich's life during which, they did not part for a single day. Lyubov Mikhail Sergeevich Gorbachev and Raisa Maksimovna, born in their student years, continued until the last days of Raisa Maksimovna.

Falling in love is a feeling caused by a deficiency emotionally - intimate stimuli, due to situational signs: fed hormones, dreams, fantasies, assumptions, spring, vacation, beach, external attractiveness, social status, etc. Therefore, it lasts it is up to the resolution of the situation due to which it arose.
Love is so beneficial, life-affirming feeling that people experiencing it will never have thoughts get rid of her.
G. Sukachev
Garik Sukachev: "I have a feeling that I was born married. I have been married for over 30 years, and so successfully that the problems of mistresses, fans simply do not exist for me. When I met Olga, she was 14 years old I am 16. 8 years old we were friends until relatives told me: "Oh, is it time for you to get married," we got married. We have a son, a good guy, a daughter is growing. For me, a wife is like the sun, air, water, bread a natural and necessary phenomenon. Did you ever think it would rise tomorrow is the sun or not? I never think about love, it's just like well-fed man never thinks about food. I have a favorite song about Olga, when I sing it I always get a tear. "

More details: Garik and Olga Sukachev

Falling in love is an uneven series of states of mind from passion to dislike or complete indifference.

Love is the most complete and noblest of all relationships and includes the most the best of all relationships: respect, admiration, passion, friendship and intimacy.

Natural love passes by itself. It happens.
A case from life. "I got a state of anxiety, premonitions of something not fully understood. I looked at my watch, it was 12.37. I started thinking what is it for? Maybe forgot to turn off the kettle in the morning or close the water? I tried to sort out in my memory what I am so important must be done today? Nothing came to mind and nothing came to mind. Having suffered a little, I took up current affairs, I had to do much more.
The day ended as usual and I was already falling asleep, my thoughts were barely tossing and turning in my head. But the thought of Larisa literally threw me with bed, because I thought of her as an ordinary woman, calmly everyday, because I love her, she has long been an object of special passion, the troublemaker of my state of mind and heart. I literally broke cold sweat, what is it? The thought of Larissa, and I am completely calm neither quickening of the heart, no other excitement. I even got out of bed, became walk, I wanted to sort out my feelings. No matter how much i thought about Larissa head, heart, soul worked perfectly smoothly, without bursts and unrest. I understood - I stopped loving her, immediately remembered my the sensations that arose at 12.37, it turns out with what, they were connected my incomprehensible feelings. If I dug into my feelings longer probably would have got to the bottom of this already in the afternoon, but the turnover of the day did not allow me do it.
Love for Larisa was almost without reciprocity, I did repeated attempts to develop it, to move towards rapprochement, but received in response: neither yes nor no. The next day, in the morning, remembering that I stopped loving Larissa, my spirits lifted, nevertheless this feeling led me into a difficult situation.
In the afternoon, I decided to go to Larisa to work, to test how my heart would work in her presence. Approaching her, I smiled broadly, I greeted, after talking for a couple of minutes, I made sure that both heart and soul are absolutely calm. Walking away from her, heightened mood changed to the usual, everyday, I realized that Larissa is now for me lived history, but there were still many things to do today.

And it happens like this:

“I was twenty-five, I was taking a scriptwriting course and fell in love with my teacher. We met to discuss my work, it was extremely interesting with him. I dreamed that he would kiss me, but I myself did not dare to take the first step. For several more years we met rarely and on business - and I carefully composed all these “cases”. He never gave me any reason to think that he had anything other than friendly sympathy for me. But it took me 9 years to figure it out. I could have married long ago and have children, if not for my "immortal love." I regret that I have spent so many years of my life on this wasteland. " Evdokia

Therefore, parting after the elimination of love is her regular, logical completion. The Moor has done his job, the Moor can die. Difficulty arises when one of the couple has a feeling already passed or even did not arise, and in the second, falling in love continues to be significant. The process can be accelerated, simplified, anesthetized.

Love is often confused with lust or obsession. But these are different feelings, and they must be distinguished from each other. I wrote about this in the book "Cure for Love" (The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ... "). Such an obsessed lover sees not a real person in front of him, but one who will satisfy his needs. For example, it will save him from the fear of death or become a means to combat loneliness. This kind of attraction can be very strong, but it cannot last long. It only wants to take and does not know how to give, it is closed on itself and feeds on itself and therefore is doomed to self-destruction. While love is a special relationship between people, there is no compulsion in it, but a lot of warmth and desire to bestow upon another, to take care of him.
Irwin Yalom - Professor at Stanford University

These are situations for which:

Hope is the biggest evil! It prolongs the agony.
Irwin Yalom

Now let's consider the situation at the levels of the soul - heart.

When falling in love has not yet passed, but it turned out to be rejected, unfulfilled is a significant stress. The person is not in the strength to cope with their own feelings that break out from under control, starting to control his thoughts and actions. That's why a person who deliberately does not want to experience depression and mental pain, unconsciously, again and again goes in a vicious circle, against his will repeating painful thoughts for him. In this state of thought, often become obsessive, return against our will, when any a trifle associated with this person catches the eye, or about him resemble someone's words, or memories return seemingly without apparent reason.
This means that we unwittingly "poison" and "wind up" ourselves, aggravating this state of mind. We push ourselves again and feel heavy feelings again, as if sprinkling salt with your own hand on an open mental wound. This is how the human psyche works - exactly what, oh what we consciously want to forget is subconsciously remembered. Exactly therefore, the "tail" of negative emotions lingers behind incomplete falling in love. It was at this time that thoughts are not uncommon: "... maybe this was the real love. Maybe I did something wrong. "This is a process gradual elimination of traces of stress, living of all associated emotions and the gradual cleansing of them by the "work of experience".

How many times have I tried to start all over again, but again and again ran into the same the end ....
(from correspondence with readers of the newspaper "Speed-Info")

But although each person suffers stress in their own way, and the reasons stresses are different, yet there are general laws of experience that are always repeated under any stress. The experience lives on by its own laws, in it the emotional ebbs and flows are wavelike replacing each friend, gradually subsiding. But this process is not smooth, but discontinuous. V the course of the experience has certain stages, or temporary "steps". When moving from one such step to another, the experience is qualitatively changes, with each new step, part of the a heavy load of unpleasant emotions pressing on him.
Initial step - the first three days after the final rupture, during which a person is completely absorbed in experience, not can think of almost nothing else, being consumed by stormy, negative emotions. Under severe stress, he is either inactive, since completely depressed and confused, unable to do anything to get out of situations, being in a state of psychological shock; or, on the contrary, super-active, but all his activity is of a fussy-hasty nature and therefore it does not work.
After 3 days, some of the painful emotions "burn out", a person begins to gradually "move away" from the transferred stress. But, periodically there are influxes of negative thoughts and depression. it the second "line" of psychological defense, usually lasting month .. At the same time, the victim of stress still seems to continue living in the past.
The next very important "rung" of experience takes three months after suffering stress. Three months during which a veil from the eyes of a person seems to fall, illusions are dispelled, and he begins more clearly to be aware of what actually happened. V his memory is naturally reorganized, many of the negative memories weaken, lose their strength, at least cease accompanied by violent emotions. The man still remembers the breakup but more detached, as if it had not happened to him. More place in his mental life begins to take reflections no longer about the past, but about the future.
Finally, the last line of defense six months after stress. This is the step on which a person finally returns to reality, overcoming past illusions. He goes from thought to action working on practical correction of past errors, recovery lost and the establishment of a "new order" in their own lives. Under the influence of the experience at this time is a reassessment of internal values and the transition to active actions, the search for options for resolving the arisen problems in real life.
And in the first and in the subsequent stages do not need to be excessively dramatize the situation, reproach yourself for some imaginary blunders, or far-fetched personal shortcomings. It is not uncommon for letters to contain the following words: "tell me what is wrong with me" - this self-accusation is a consequence excessive self-criticism, low self-esteem, which must be fought. A person in vain begins to accuse himself of being abandoned - this is self-blame is very typical. Someone throws us, someone we throw, but on in fact, the novel is over, but life goes on. And it is not yet known how much in later life there will be novels.

Purity of mind begets purity of passion; therefore, a pure mind loves passionately and clearly sees the object of its love.

According to other laws, a substandard falling in love - love mania (more - Poor quality falling in love - mania. )
Its signs are unabated experiences not after 3 nor a field of 6 months.

Being a strong poison for a sick soul, for a healthy one, love is like fire for iron, which wants to become steel.
M. Gorky

Natural falling in love should not be confused with substandard, she is love mania, "addictive love", "neurotic love", or rather neurotic disorder. It is well studied and listed in the International Classifier of Diseases (ICD-10) in section F63. "Disorders of habits and impulses" is included in the section of non-chemical forms of addictive behavior - 2.1. Love addictions. Despite the similarity of these loves, their nature: origins, flow, completion differ significantly. Poor love, like any the other disorder is best managed with guidance specialist.

Detection tests:
love addiction according to Egorov;
of Sexual Addiction by P. Carnes.

One of the activities Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE" providing assistance for a speedy, painless eradication as unfinished and substandard loves.

It is easier to part with a person than with illusions about him.
Marta Ketro

Here is an example of an extremely severe form of love mania.
"I contacted you because I suffer very much, I love you for 24 years one man. In our youth, we studied at the same institute, but then we did not having passed the session he was taken into the army. I went to see him every week, but stupid jealousy reticence (he met with another girl, then in army married her), caused the breakup. In the same month I fell ill, lost 10 kg, dropped out of college and work, and for two months there was simply nothing saw, then the love of my parents brought me out of this situations. I got married and gave birth to a son and was happy. But after 9 years in he appears again in my life. I again seemed to lose my head, again I believed that he loved me, cheated on my husband. I felt myself happy in the world, did not live flying through the air. He himself told my husband everything, insisted on my divorce. Now I have been dating him for 9 years, but he remains still in my family. Everything promises that we will be together, but seeks out opportunities to just be good, calmly spend time with me and accuses me of not being together. When alone, I understand everything. When with I forget everything, everything in the world. My Soul Hurts. Ksenia, 41, Moscow ".
All the drama and hopelessness of Xenia's story lies in the fact that even if they start a family, happiness will not come for her. A an equally traumatic next stage of love mania will begin. All this well studied and described. (for more details - "The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina". )
Intensity and duration of one-sided falling in love is not an indicator of the quality of "great love", but an indicator some personal problems that manifest themselves in this way.

Impossible to resolve problem, being at the same level at which it arose. Necessary rise above her, rising to the next level.
A. Einstein.

Therefore, when falling in love begins to pester, when negative exceeds the positive it is better to consciously, orderly get rid of it. A not like a pun: I feel sorry for the cat, so I chopped off the tail in parts, and not all at once. If, like a tooth, he began to wobble, he is no longer a tenant than the faster you remove it, the less you will suffer.

Victory over love gives strength for the victory over all other passions ...
J. Sand

Ways to actively, consciously overcome traumatic love.

The easiest way to activate falling out of love is cry in a vest to a loved one. By far the most reliable and a qualified way is to contact a psychologist for help.

I will introduce the most effective written, independent psychotechnics of getting rid of "love" - experiences of stress, problems, grief.

Written psychotechnics - diary.

Few people know him forces until they are used.
J.W. Goethe

Making a decision about getting rid of a traumatic relationship is not just sat down and decided, this is a drama that a person independently and must bravely endure. Postpone until you get through it all stages of parting, release, recovery will not come. Tighten yourself expensive. If the mental pain, which is inevitable when breaking up with "love the way "to spread in time, to smooth out the peaks, then it happens without nervous excessive overloads.
Psychologists have long noticed mental and written experiencing the same problem, are involved in the process in different ways brain. The recorded experiences take on a different color, a different the plot of development and, naturally, a different final decision than with a mental one. The written experience of hyperstress is more constructive and does not leave after myself spiritual "scars".

Blessed who is on time ripe.
A.S. Pushkin. "Eugene Onegin"

This is due to the fact that when thought out emotionally colored task, one number of brain centers are involved in this, and when thinking is carried out by ear, into an intellectual operation the auditory and articular parts of the brain are also involved. May be you noticed that in extremely difficult situations a person begins to think aloud, whisper, move your lips, thereby the brain involuntarily from consciousness includes additional reserves. Those. the more parts of the brain involved, the more productively the task is solved, and the stressful situation experienced in a softer way.

Ignorance is always is more certain than knowledge, and only the ignorant can with confidently assert that science will never be able to solve that or some other problem.
Charles Darwin

Using the analogy of the saying "one head is good, but two better "one brain center is involved - one quality and speed solutions, and the involvement of 4 centers is a noticeable improvement in both quality and the speed of the solution. This is exactly the number of brain centers involved in the written processing of information with pronunciation, this visual, auditory, articular and motor.
In addition, when thinking about complex psychological situations, the speed of the intellectual process changes, and the speed written processing of information is the most effective and productive.
While writing, according to the laws of functional asymmetry of the brain, the left hemisphere is most active, and its specialization positive emotions. Therefore, during the description of everyday complexity, stress, the situation is experienced in more positive terms. After all, the situation experienced under the guidance of "specialists" in positive emotions always have a more optimistic outcome.
This is probably why cheat sheets are so popular among students. Indeed, when writing them, an improved quality of assimilation of information occurs, memorization, harmonization of nervous processes. The man noticed long ago a favorable result of recording everyday events, diaries.

Who's about nothing asks, he will not learn anything.
T. Fuller

From the memoirs of Charles Aznavour: "When I was very hard, I picked up a pencil and wrote. Sometimes it was poetry, sometimes it was what poems were made of. Some recordings later I could neither understand or disassemble. And the pencil saved me. Only later did I find out that there were people who dreamed of driving me to suicide. "

The first step in dealing with a mental problem is sincere a story about her traumatic love and the experiences that she calls.
Special attention should be paid to the problem of sincerity. Sincerity is not a one-time action, it is regular work on yourself during the time of the entire healing process, especially at the beginning.
About what confusion in your own feelings leads brothers The Strugatskys wrote in the story "Roadside Picnic" as follows. When one of stalkers asked the Zone to fulfill their greatest desire - health, a sick son, the Zone gave him a bag of money. Because desire to have a lot of money from a stalker was old, old and large, exceeding the desire for health for his son, which he did not even think about.
Therefore, you first need to achieve sincerity with yourself and put in place thoughts, dreams, desires, fantasies, whims and never do not confuse them in life. The fact that this problem is not entirely simple says Doctor of Psychology, Professor Rudolf Zagainov: "Unlike people with a "western" mentality who are willing to make contact and honestly tell the psychologist about their worries, our person is either completely closed, or "disguised". That is, it gives out information about itself in the form of a version, speaking not only as an interlocutor, but also as a lawyer. The most problematic thing about the mentality of our person is a pathological tendency to insincerity, fear of telling the truth about yourself. Lies at every turn, life in the aura of the legend about his past, always his own point of view on the present, the fog of the future: "

Biggest Enemy truth is not a lie, even the most deliberate, inventive and shameless, and the myth is familiar, touching and unrealistic.
John F. Kennedy

From books and movies, we know that in the west, if not each person, then the majority have their own psychologist or psychotherapist, and we don't need this, went to a friend or girlfriend, poured out his soul, cried, so felt better. And the difference is that we tell a friend one of justifying versions of his difficult situation, he begins to empathize, and a psychologist helps to get to the bottom of the truth, which, as a rule, is prickly and complex, but useful and healing.

Unrequited love is as different from mutual love as delusion is from the truth.
J. Sand.

Working with the diary

The key point is the idea: "I realized that this is not love, but poor quality falling in love and she is for me became not only hopeless, but also poisonous, and therefore harmful, dangerous. And I decisively from her I get rid of it for the rest of my life. "Idea, installation while working with a diary should be repeated regularly, many times, in writing. This is the one the case when you can't spoil the porridge with butter.
The more detailed and sincere you write, the more thoroughly you clear psyche from unwanted sources of influence, you get to know yourself better. This psychotechnics even has its own name, writing therapy or scribotherapy (Latin scribio - "to write" and therapia - "treatment").
To extract poisonous "splinters" from your soul and memory for account of memories and descriptions, in the diary at this stage you also write detailed confessions:
"First meeting, the birth of painful love";
"Stages of Involvement in Unsuccessful Falling in Love";
"The most pleasant (unpleasant) thing about this poisonous love";
Writing down this information with utmost sincerity, thereby there is a cleansing of the psyche from vulgar, unhealthy attitudes towards love, mistakes and worries. Stripping is done as past day, and all previous life, starting from the very first meeting. How more emotional experiences you will be able to remember and in more detail, in more detail, the more colorful they are, the easier it will be to part with painful experiences. Recovery and return to a healthy life will come faster.

New truth is bigger just suffers from an old mistake.
I. Goethe

There is such a comparison of this sacrament - like a broom sweep all the litter out of the hut. Naturally, dirty linen is painful memories, and getting rid of is a dramatic work, mentally painful. You need to listen as carefully as possible to your feelings, and then verbally (verbally) express it in your diary.
Mental confessions can be short, or they can be multi-page statements about the experiences associated with the traumatic falling in love.

Barbara Berry explains how to keep an art diary “Draw freely! Find yourself with an art diary. " The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."


And here are some advice given by Daniel J. Amen, MD, neurobiologist, neuropsychiatrist, head of the world famous Amen Clinics (Amen Clinics Inc.). The chemistry of love. Components of attraction, infatuation, affection, and separation. :

When Shawna and Nick ran away, he couldn’t come to his senses for a long time. Nick heard her voice in his head, smelled Shawna on her clothes, remembered her touch. They had been together for 5 years, and everything around him reminded him of Shawn: photographs, films, waking up, falling asleep. She was present in his thoughts for most of the day. Moreover, in the depths of his soul, Nick was even glad that they parted - they could never agree and parted already several times. Nick always felt that he could not rely on Shawna, that she would leave if things got worse. However, despite this, he worried, worried and even had panic attacks at moments of especially strong longing for Shawn.

What happens in the brain when we lose someone? Why do we suffer? When we love someone, that person "lives" in our emotional centers - in the limbic brain. (. That is actually "written" in a number of our pathways in the synapses and neurons) When we lose someone - because of death, divorce, move, break in relations - the brain as it is confused and disoriented. Loved one is still present in our neural connections, and we usually expect to see, hear and feel it. When this happens, the emotional centers of the brain, which are alive memories of a lost loved one, become active in the search for the man. And, as we already know, excessive activity of the limbic system is associated with depression and a decrease in serotonin. That's why we find it difficult to fall asleep, we lose appetite, joy of life, committed to the isolation from the world and obsessively thinking about the subject of our senses. At the same time we feel ne¬dostatok endorphins, which are designed to reduce the sensation of pain and contribute to the experience of pleasure and joy. All this may explain the physical and mental pain to break relations.

How to get the love object out of your head and heart

In Dean Koontz's novel Speed, a psychopathic killer tortures his victim, the good-natured bartender BILLY Wilens, by driving three fishhooks under his skin. The fishing hooks are very difficult to remove, the hero needed a lot of alcohol and painkillers, and besides, there were scars.

When a loved one leaves us, even if we ourselves initiated the breakup, many feel like unhappy Bill Wilens. People often try to heal the wounds and scars of parting with alcohol and other "pain relievers" (such as drugs, sex, overwork). I myself know what the end of a relationship is: they left me and I left. When they leave you, it hurts.

Once, after parting, it seemed to me that such hooks were deeply embedded in my heart and brain, and every memory of my beloved pulled at them. Photos, songs, friends, cars, names (she had a common name), cities, pillows and restaurants all reminded me of her. I have been a neurochemical storm for almost 6 months. I even had my brain scanned in the midst of these experiences to see what my mind was like, immersed in grief. The scan showed excessive activity in the anterior cingulate gyrus (which is abnormal for me). It matched my obsession with sadness.

From my own experience and the experience of working with patients, I can offer five tips on how to get over a breakup and feel good.

1. First of all, take care of your health. At first, we just try to moderate the pain: we eat or drink too much, stop playing sports, isolate ourselves from communication with people. Stop immediately! Watch your diet, exercise more (studies have shown that exercise is as effective for depression as antidepressant medications), and spend time with friends. A kava kava supplement can help promote sleep if not taken for too long.

2. Do not idealize the other person. Whenever we focus on the good qualities of the ex, we only increase our pain. If we remember the negative moments, the pain decreases, and we begin to rejoice that we broke up with this person. Take the time to list the negative traits of your ex. Idealization lengthens the mourning process and increases pain. Find a balance. Be honest about the good and bad things about the other person. There is a useful exercise that I tried on myself at the moment of separation. It is necessary to create a mnemonic phrase, reminiscent of the bad qualities of his former partner. When the separation fishhooks are tightening, you need to quickly repeat this phrase and immediately remember its negative features. For example, if her name was Hannah:

Frowned too often Apathetic in business. Never apologized. There was no bright sex. Aggressive towards my friends.

3. Weep - you feel better. At the beginning of the gap required to allow yourself plenty grieve porydat. Tears great help to ease the tension of the limbic system. Then go home, check your computer and a table, collect photos, souvenirs, trinkets and hide them. No need to destroy them at once, because you never know what will happen in budu¬schem. If you make peace, you will be very sorry for his actions. Time will show. After a few months you will be able to take a more balanced decision about whether to store things, reminiscent of the old ways. But now - just hide them.

4. Love must be enduring. When you act pitiful and weak-willed when parting, you push the other person even further because weakness is unattractive. In such a case, you behave like a victim. Control yourself - not for revenge, but for your own sake, for the sake of continuing your life.

5. Try this technique. Byron Katie, along with her husband Stephen Mitchell, wrote the wonderfully wise book Loving What Is. In it, she suggests asking herself four questions in difficult situations. When I was going through a breakup, this technique helped me regain my usual happy mood. I learned that every time I start to struggle with reality, I act like a madman. Kate suggests that you consider the thought that is causing the pain (for example, "I miss her") and ask yourself these questions.

• Question # 1 Is it true? Is it really so? (Do I really miss her terribly?)

• Question # 2 Is this really absolutely true? (- No. Not absolutely! I don't miss her indecision, her jerks, and her indifference to certain things.)

• Question # 3 How do I feel when this thought occurs to me (“I miss her”)? (- Unhappy, full of remorse, stupid, ashamed. So, it is my thoughts that torment me.)

• Question # 4 How would I be without this thought? (- I would happy with life and myself again.) Katie says that the next step is to turn the thought around, and "I miss her" becomes "I miss myself as before." I miss myself healthy, cheerful, happy, without sleep problems, successful and energetic.

These four questions and a twist of thought can literally change your life. I have seen that the technique works on my patients as well.

Other tips on how to get rid of "love", or rather from poor quality love.

The solution to the question "how to get rid of love" has ancient historical roots, Ovid wrote his work "Medicine for Love" two thousand years ago.

Love cannot be treated with herbs.

It is easier to achieve an end in love than moderation.

A description of the most severe form of the disorder - love addiction and ways to get rid of it is given by a psychotherapist, Ph.D. M.E. Litvak in his article "Addictive (compulsive) love." with examples he talks about different aspects of this problem, gives advice, he also cites Ovid's poem (late 1st century BC - early 1st century AD) "Medicine for Love" with his comments.

Tips for getting rid of love passion given by Avicena (980 - 1037)
From the book "The Canon of Medicine"; Fan; Tashkent:
[Passion for love] is a delusional illness similar to melancholy. Often a person draws it on himself, subjecting his thoughts to admiration for the image and features inherent in [the beloved]; sometimes lust does it, and sometimes it doesn't.


By known signs you should see if the business to burnout juice came, and [if so], to make evacuation. Then climb humidification [natures patients], their euthanasia, their feed praiseworthy [meal] bathed [such patients] in moisturizing [nature] bath, following [has] known conditions. They should be called on bickering, hold all sorts of cases and disputes and all things distracting [love] - it sometimes makes [lovers] forget what they [so] exhausting. Or do you need to fall in love with them in another [woman], available to them under the law and religion, and then to divert their thoughts from the second lover before [love] will be strengthened, but only after they forget the first. If love is one of intelligent people, very helpful advice, admonitions, ridicule, abuse and presentation of love as obsession and madness species; because the word in such cases very efficiently. By [lover] send for a purpose old women who inspire him disgusted with his beloved, talk about the dirty deeds and abominable deeds favorite and report its many manifestations of violence; it often calms [in love]. It is also useful when an old woman describe the appearance of the beloved, resorting to vile comparisons and represent part of her face in a hideous form, going deep and going into great detail. Truly this is the case of old women, and they are in it fancier than [all] except bisexual, bisexual because also possess this art, not inferior to the art of old women. Old woman can also try to gradually shift to the love of love another woman, and then, before the second love will be strengthened, they stop their antics.

Distracting [in love] activities include buying slaves, copulating with them frequently, acquiring new [slaves] and having fun with them. Some people are comforted by singing and music, while for others it only intensifies their love. This is [easily] recognizable. As for hunting, various games, new favors of the Sultan, and all kinds of sorrows, all this also distracts [the lovers]. Sometimes you have to deal with them [so] as [do] with those suffering from melancholy, mania and kutrub.

Back in our time

The most detailed in detail, both the problem itself and the methods of cure, and even getting rid of the root causes, so as never to fall into this love trap in the future, is described in the book Marilyn Monroe Syndrome. S. Izraelson, E. Makavoy

And also in the book of the psychotherapist V.D. Moskalenko. "WHEN LOVE IS TOO MUCH: Prevention of love addiction" The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ... ".
Two chapters from this book:
Women who are unlucky in love. V. Moskalenko.
The roots of "bad luck in love." V. Moskalenko.

Adults who undoubtedly have experience in love relationships were asked to answer the question whether they became happier or unhappy after experiencing a love relationship, three-quarters admitted that they were happier. The rest could not clearly define their attitude. Most of us tend to believe that any love experience enriches, makes life more meaningful.

Here is a way to get rid of "love" - poor quality of love, which is recommended by the doctor of psychological sciences Y. Shcherbatykh in his book "The Psychology of Love and Sex". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...":

“… The technique recommended by psychologists is better suited for those unhappy lovers, in whom reason usually prevails over feelings, for whom logic and the ability to analyze have always been a strong point. For such people, you can suggest another way. They should look at the situation as if from the outside (a friend, an acquaintance, not a very interested person, but one who treats you well). Such a person could coldly and judiciously note the shortcomings of your former lover, his weaknesses, defects in character and upbringing, his past misdeeds - things that lovers usually turn a blind eye to or interpret in favor of a partner. In fact, "Which one of us is without sin?" - everyone has weaknesses and mistakes. If you try to highlight only his shortcomings in a person, then, usually, the portrait is not very attractive. Now you need to look at your connection through the eyes of a stranger, and your image should consist mainly of positive traits, and the image of the person who left you - mainly of negative ones. Further, the “outside observer” must experience his surprise and bewilderment at such a strange affection between you and convey this feeling to you. Think how strange it happened that such a wonderful person (you) became attached to such an unworthy person? Then thank God and Destiny for opening your eyes to the true state of affairs and giving you a chance to break out of this terrible addiction.

In any case, it is imperative to raise your own self-esteem, which will not only help you get through the black streak that has come in life, but, at times, also change the attitude of your lost lover towards you. Few people need an unhappy, suffering lover - the most they can count on is pity, but it is worth little and is a poor foundation for true love. But many strive to get a confident person as a lover, and it so happens that the victim and the executioner change places, and the lover who has abandoned his girlfriend rushes to conquer her again (remember Onegin's last meeting with Tatyana!).

To what has been said, you can add a few more tips. Firstly, if you decide to break up, then do it unequivocally and irrevocably: no “random” meetings and phone calls. There are lovers who leave their partners, but adore when they are tormented and follow on his heels. If the abandoned partner gives up and ceases to bother with his complaints, then the initiator of the gap himself appears on the horizon to ignite the extinguished coals of love. But as soon as the victim's hope for the restoration of the relationship flares up, as a cruel lover again assumes cold and inaccessibility. It happens that such a situation lasts for years, delivering severe suffering to the unfortunate victim of love and preventing her from starting a new life. Therefore, if you decide to end addiction, you should follow the decision taken at all costs. "

Masters of the therapeutic approach of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) have developed their own technique to get rid of "love" - the feeling of love addiction. From the book "The Heart of the Mind. Practical Use of NLP Methods" S. Andreas. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...":

• Find a quiet, secluded place where you can immerse yourself for 15 to 20 minutes.
• Identify another person. Imagine the one on whom you think you are dependent or who all your feelings are overwhelmed. Most people will introduce a relative or lover.
• Feel that you are associated with that person. Imagine that the person standing next to you. If you do not see internal images, just feel, or pretend that it does. Go around this man. Pay attention to the way he looks. Pritrontes him to feel what he is, analyze what you feel to be near him. Especially pay attention to the feeling of complete communication with that person. (Many people think of this man very close, almost back to back, or are thin threads that bind them.) To fully experience this relationship, consider how it looks and what you feel at the same time.
• Temporary independence. Now try to break this connection at least for a moment (as if this person disappeared from your life). How do you feel about it? You can do this if you imagine that your hand has become razor-sharp and you cut or tear the thread that binds you ... Most people feel very uncomfortable and uncomfortable doing this. This means that this connection played a very important role in their lives. You can mentally restore this connection, at least until a serious replacement is found.
• Find a positive goal. Ask yourself, "What do I really want from this person, is it able to bring me satisfaction?" Then ask, “How can this benefit me?” Keep asking yourself this question until you get to the heart of the answer. It can be confidence, security, protection, interest, love or self-esteem ... That is, imagine the good that the relationship with this person gives you or was given before.
• Develop your evolving "me." Now turn left or right and create a full three-dimensional image of themselves that beat your current level. Such a man you could become in the future. This is the same about you, but to overtake you in the development. He is able to resolve the problems that you are facing at the moment, he has more knowledge and experience. He has more wisdom and is able to give you a good sense of tranquility, love and security, as well as other good feelings that previously gave you your partner. He loves and appreciates you, and can answer all your questions. At any time you can mentally apply to it, and he will answer your question.
You can pay attention to the expression on the face of your double or your inner, evolving "I" (some also call him "guardian angel"), on his movements, on your feelings, if you touch him.
If you find it difficult to see yourself, then try to feel it. Some people feel warmth or see light surrounding this more perfect double.
• Now move the image of your partner to some other place, for example, just mentally moving him away. And place the image of your evolving self in the place where your partner used to be. Feel and mentally see the same strong connection with your double, as if it was your partner. In this case, the new connection should look exactly the same as the previous one, with your partner. Enjoy the feeling of dependence on someone you can always rely on: yourself. Thank this your "I", that it is here, next to you. From now on, you always have a companion who will lead you into the future, paving the way for you and protecting you, to whom you can turn for help at any time, and who will answer your questions at any time.
• Respect for another person. Look back at the person you were previously associated with. Imagine that he also has the same strong connection with his inner self. Imagine that he too has acquired a sense of his own personality. Consider how much better your relationship could be now.
• Strengthening your connection with your own self. Now return again to your evolving self, with which you are now connected. Enter it and look at yourself from there. Feel what it means to be inventive, on your own. After you have fully enjoyed the new sensation, return to your original place, retaining that feeling.
• Transfer to the future. Imagine vividly and distinctly how your communication with people in the future will change when you have this positive feeling inside and when your evolving self helps you. You can feel how the inner "I" copes with various difficulties, if they arise on the way.

After being freed from unwanted falling in love, the psychologist Corinne Sweet recommends making a life plan - setting a goal for achieving success in a career, relationships, improving health, self-realization, etc. Develop a realistic program of action, which you can regularly evaluate and review so as not to be deviated from the chosen path. Planning helps create the most effective life style.

A number of useful tips using NLP to get rid of unwanted attractions are given in the story "Sinful, obsessive, bad, bad , terrible, terrible thoughts ... that interfere with life. "

French composer Hector Berlioz spent several years seeking love of the famous Irish actress Henrietta Smithson and finally directed all the strength of his feelings for writing a "Fantastic Symphony" ". In one from parts Berlioz portrayed the woman who rejected him as a disgusting the leader of the witches at the Sabbath. Biographers testify that after finishing symphony, the composer suddenly felt that he had got rid of the painful glamor of unrequited feeling.

You need to debunk your idol. Always love at the same time and person, and the ideal image created on its basis. Lope de Vega suggests: "You remember flaws, not charms. Try to remember wearing her flaw - and the nastiest! "

There is a technique called "Fox and Grapes", the principle from the fable of Aesop is used, where the fox gets rid of psychological stress due to the inability to get grapes in a rational way: she convinces herself that the grapes are still green, not I really wanted to, etc.

"It can be worse" - considering misery and hopelessness other people often convinces us that our own troubles can be tolerated.

Good advice is given in the song:
If he leaves for another bride,
It is unknown who was lucky

Resist the temptation to take revenge, to do something in spite of to him, these are destructive feelings, they can do even more harm.

The book "Triangles of Suffering" by psychologist Elena Emelyanova is devoted to useful advice, psychotechnics of getting rid of obsessive mental addictions, mental suffering . The book is in our library: "Love, family, sex and about ..."

In love, as in everything, experience is a physician being, after an illness.
N. Lanklo

Tasks of the final phase of liberation:

To achieve sincerity with yourself, get rid of the turmoil in head, duality. To achieve intrapersonal harmony, after which already build harmonious relationships with the outside world;
And when you feel that the mind and soul are working in unison, and you combine logic with what is accepted at the sensory level, it activates intuition, all creativity.
The maximum program is to achieve sustainable inner harmony. This means raising level of mental health - long work.
People who managed to draw civilized conclusions after experiencing stormy, traumatic love finds happiness in marriage. And those who remained at the same level, and do not reach their true, earthly happiness.
Singer Viktor Saltykov talks about his first wife Irina: “We fell in love at first sight. passionate feeling. While we loved at a distance, I lived in St. Petersburg, Irina in Everything was perfect for Moscow. Stormy meetings, romantic evenings, endless telephone conversations. During meetings, we just couldn't breathe in each other. But everything changed dramatically, faded after three months after we got married: Then five long years of quarrels, resentments, heavy alcohol abuse. Painful hassle and divorce. But, as I now understand, our daughter suffered the most. Then this, I somehow did not notice ".

Lost in love reason, in marriage they notice this loss.
M. Safir

Viktor Saltykov talks about his second wife Irina:
"After 17 years of living together, everything is great, fresh, interesting as the first time. I live in paradise. Only in my second marriage I realized what is love, happiness. In the first, there was no love, there was some obsession ".
If paradise for Victor means paradise and for Irina - beloved. Paradise as a synonym for love, or for both, or neither.
And his first wife Irina is still so lonely and preaches the same pseudo-loving slogans on which it has been burned more than once.

No human able to understand what true love is until he is married quarter of century.
Mark Twain.

From the reports of search engines it is known that more than half of those who started reading this page do not finish reading it to the end. They want simple solutions to complex problems, and that doesn't happen. Some people want an even simpler solution: "Are there any pills for this case?" - No, and it cannot be.

F. La Rochefoucauld is both right and wrong: “There are different medicines for love, but there is not one reliable one”, there is no one reliable medicine for everyone, but each medicine is reliable for one person. Therefore, you need to act and try different medicines until you find the one with the help of which you will heal yourself on your own.

This is important, so I will repeat once again: “Treat from“ love ”, more precisely from poor quality love you yourself. " And a specialist helps you only with knowledge and suggestions of various techniques.

Do you want to move from drama - tragedy to normal life? Welcome! This requires mental, volitional costs, efforts. You do not want? Stay on your ill health there! This is your decision and YOUR responsibility.

Because help in getting rid of any addiction to alcohol, nicotine, gambling, love, etc. is possible only to the "patient" who wants it himself. Xenia, like the majority of those who applied to our Club, did not have the courage and determination to break with the painful addiction, the stage has come when it is more habitual in painful addiction than in a healthy life. This is a situation when it is no longer possible to get rid of "love", the "point of no return" has been passed.

Neurotics complain about their illness, although for the most part they create it themselves. When you come close to debunking their illness, they rush to its defense like a lioness saving her cubs.
Z. Freud. Cognitive statements of Z. Freud.

Listen Anthem people who have defeated low-quality love: "I am free"

People suffering from low-quality love are those who have problems with psychological health.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Causes of mental health disorders. A. Shuvalov

The main signs of a psychologically healthy person and his love. M. Litvak

Managing human life: a research program. A. Bagaev

Purposeful development of personality: what can be changed in oneself ... V. Odintsov

After that, you can go to the technique "Let's clear our emotional baggage", from the book of the psychologist, candidate of sciences A. Sviyash "Advice to the spouses, already rejected and passionately wanting to be rejected." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet - Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

On the impact of such neurotic loves and relationships on physical health in the book by Kurt Tepervine "Psychosomatics, relationships and health." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

This is a page from the section Psychology of Love

Articles related to the same topic:

A large collection of articles and books about love addiction, which our culture often calls "addictive love" "overselective love" , "Neurotic love", "too much love", "more than love", "compulsive love", "toxic love", etc. and people suffering from these disorders.

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

How to get rid of "love"? E. Pushkarev

The second stage of love mania and Anna Karenina. E. Pushkarev

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Causes of mental health disorders. A. Shuvalov

Sigmund Freud about love.

Sexuality, female and male orgasms.

In our library there are more than 1600 books and videos on the topic "Love, family, sex and about ..." books on the topic of this article, they contain a lot of practical advice "getting rid of love", various tests.

Dmitry Semennik "How to survive parting with a loved one"

Scott Dowling "Psychology and Treatment of Addictive Behavior"

Boris Didenko "Predatory love"

Susan Israelson, Elizabeth McAvoy "Marilyn Monroe Syndrome"

Roman M. Koidl "Scoundrels: why women choose the wrong men"

Valentina Moskalenko “When there is too much love. Prevention of love addiction "

Philip van Manching, Bernie Katz "Parents are to blame for everything, or why your love relationship is not working out"

Robin Norwood "Should You Be a Slave to Love?"

Robin Norwood "Women Who Love Too Much"

Stanton Peel, Archie Brodsky. "Love and Addiction"

Gennady Starshenbaum "Addictology: Psychology and Psychotherapy of Addictions"

Stephen Hassen "Freeing From Psychological Abuse"

Irwin Yalom "Treatment for Love and Other Psychotherapeutic Novels"

and others.

Эрих Фромм

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми