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Man and Woman: Leadership in Love and Marriage. E Pushkarev

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leadership in love in marriage

Psychologists call a leader someone who creates systems of action in which others just want to take part.
Professor K. Selchenok.

There are three kinds of ignorance: knowing nothing at all, knowing what everyone knows is bad, knowing not what one should know.
C. Duclos

It is believed that the man in the family is the leader, the head, this was even spelled out in the code of laws of the Russian Empire: "... the wife is obliged to obey her husband, as the head of the family, to remain in love, respect, in unlimited obedience to him, to render him every possible pleasing and affection ... ". The same is preached by the religions both Christian and Islam.

I also want you to know that to every husband the head is Christ, to the wife the head is the husband, and to the head of Christ is God. (1 Cor. 11: 3)
So a husband should not cover his head, because he is the image and glory of God; and the wife is the glory of the husband. (1 Cor. 11: 7).
For not a husband from a wife, but a wife from a husband. (1 Cor. 11: 8).
And not a husband was created for a wife, but a wife for a husband. (1 Cor. 11: 9).

A wife's meek and silent spirit is precious before the Lord (1 Peter 3: 1-5).

Wives, obey your husbands as Lord,
because the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body.
But as the Church obeys Christ, so also wives to their husbands in everything. / Eph. 5: 22-24 /

And to the woman He said:
- I will make your pregnancy painful:
in suffering you will give birth to children.
You will desire a husband,
and he will rule over you. / Gen. 3: 16 /

Let the wife study in silence, with all obedience; but I do not allow my wife to teach, nor to rule over her husband, but to be in silence.
For Adam was created first, and then Eve; and Adam is not deceived; but the wife, being deceived, fell into transgression; however, he will be saved through childbirth if he abides in faith and love and in holiness with chastity. / 1st Epistle to St. Paul the Apostle Timothy, 2.11-15 /

“Whoever has found a good wife has found good and received grace from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22).

... in our society, motherhood is often presented as heroism and is an object of delight. But we should not forget that in Christianity, paternity is primary, and motherhood is impossible without proper male care for the family, just as in pre-revolutionary times it was impossible to imagine female pedagogy in a male gymnasium. Moreover, it is the husband who is considered the source of love in the family ...
Mother Anna Romashko (6 children).

In 1975, the first feminist version of the Bible was published, in which, after the words "God the Father", it was written in parentheses: "and a mother."

Holy Scripture about love and marriage. I. Meyendorf

"The head of the wife is the husband" / Koran 1: 3 /,
"Husbands stand over wives because Allah gave one advantage over others, and for what they spend from their property" / Koran 4: 38 /.

Five centuries before the birth of Christ, with a completely different cultural tradition in China, Confucius named five main types of interpersonal relationships. Among them are four types of hierarchical relationships, each of which has dominant side and subordinate side:
husband and wife
father and son
older brother and younger brother
boss and subordinate
And the fifth type of relationship, non-hierarchical: the relationship between equals is friendship.

But nature does not provide for such unambiguity. There are a lot of women with the inclinations and abilities of a leader, as well as men with the inclinations of a follower, a subordinate. An indicator of the low awareness of society about this disharmony is the conclusion: "The men are weak these days, but the weak-willed go, so the woman has to manage everything." But in fact, the ratio of strong, leading women and weak, obeying men at all times has been the same. It's just that in times of social changes and transformations, traditional social, sexual patterns of masculinity / femininity are weakening, and individual, psychotypic functions, which are studied by socionics, become decisive.

I.S. Kon cites statistics of the analysis of cartoons published in the period 1922-1968. in the Saturday Evening Post magazine. There men are represented by 78.6% incompetent and 21.4% competent by cartoons; in women, the ratio is reversed - 33.8 and 66.2%. In the following decades, this trend has only intensified.

"Men are usually portrayed in advertisements as useless dumbass, sexual assailants or extreme sports addicts," Mike Morrison said woefully in the Australian Financial Review.
And we, too. Remember the commercial for the detergent, how two husbands with the faces of useless dumbheads compete with undisguised enthusiasm who will wash the dishes more, while their wives are drinking coffee in the background. Advertising directors are the first to notice and use new social trends and trends in their stories.

The man, who throughout the history of society was the main person involved in family building, is gradually turning into his auxiliary technical means and nothing more.
Philosopher Ye.D. Elizarov

I recently re-read my interview with Lyudmila Markovna Gurchenko. And I understood what I did not fully understand when I did it. Really. The relationship between a man and a woman is a war. And to win, a woman must always be one step ahead.
Natalia Zemlyakova

War of the sexes. A. Sobolevsky

leadership in love in marriage

In our country, the official culture has long been determined which side it will take in this war and actively manifests itself from childhood.

Xantippa, the wife of the great sage Socrates, had a habit of fighting with sandals and breaking wine amphoras on her husband's ingenious forehead. She repeatedly cheated on him, but it was more convenient for Socrates not to pay attention to it. Xantippa is clearly a woman of an aggressive type, she was the indisputable leader in their family.

If you marry successfully, you will live well; if you are unsuccessful, you will become a philosopher.

From a different era. Goncharov's novel Oblomov, Olga's attitude to Oblomov: “She understood more clearly what was going on in him, and therefore the preponderance was on her side. She looked openly into his soul, saw how a feeling was born at the bottom of his soul, how went out; she saw that with him female cunning, cunning, coquetry: they would have been superfluous, because there was no fight ahead. one could expect from him only a deep impression, passionately lazy obedience, eternal harmony with every beat of her pulse, but no movement of will, no active thought".
Byron wrote that he was pleased when women treated him "like a beloved and slightly wayward sister." Bulgakov's wife noticed that her husband felt much lighter and freer in conversation with women. So in AS Pushkin's fairy tale "The Goldfish" the old woman clearly has a leadership character, she commands and reproaches the old man: "Fool, you are a simpleton ...", and he habitually and unquestioningly takes everything down.
Astrologers have noticed this long ago and claim that there are female and male zodiac signs, they predetermine weak, led or strong leading characters in those born under these signs. But in every month the same number of women and men are born.
Another example of low awareness of this disharmony. A social poll was conducted at a garment factory: "Who is the head of your family?", "Who would you like to be the head of the family?" That is, a woman before marriage did not even think about her leadership claims and inclinations, it is socially prescribed for her husband to be the head of the family, so be it. And in real life, an unexpected surprise - the wife's leadership brings the family more benefits if they both understand and accept it, harmonious relationships are established, opposite traditions, if there is no discord.

According to formal research indicators, we state today that in a difficult attempt to combine motherhood, traditional models of childcare, household responsibilities and a professional career, the latter wins: in terms of the rank of preferences among indicators of social success, a professional career is significantly ahead of motherhood. (2002)
Puzko V.I. , Associate Professor, Dean of the Faculty of Multilevel Psychological Education, Maritime State University. Admiral G.I. Nevelsky, Vladivostok.
Ushakova EG, Psychologist, assistant of the Department of Philosophical Anthropology of the Humanitarian Institute of the same university.

The predominance of a positive attitude towards motherhood has been revealed, but there is a tendency towards the dominance of self-determination and formation in society.
E.A. Antipina "Attitude of female students to motherhood"

No woman should be allowed to stay at home and raise her children. Women should not have this choice, because if there is such a choice, too many women will do one thing.
Feminist Simone de Beauvoir Love biography of Zh-P. Sartre and S. de Beauvoir.

The woman who thinks is lost.
Joseph Edison

Vil Lipatov in "A Tale without a Title, Plot or End" presented us with such a typical psychological phenomenon in the person of his heroine Nina Aleksandrovna Savitskaya. A resident of a large forest village, a teacher of mathematics, Nina Aleksandrovna is smart, beautiful and not deprived of will. Not only is this woman of a strong character, her social activities, authority in the village make her the main one in the traditional, property sense: they give her an apartment, although it would not cost the housing commission anything to give the same apartment for the same family to her husband. So, this woman actually dominates the family, in the collective, although neither social norms, nor she herself have prepared her for this.
But what happens when neither of the spouses wants or can not accept the leading role of the other.
Nikolay: “I can't blame my wife for anything. And, nevertheless, we parted. We“ did not agree. ”I will give an example, Soon after the wedding, we went for a walk. easily pushed me aside - “let's go to the other side.” We went. did not go to the “other side” and turned “in his own way.” A trifle? Yes, a trifle. But this trifle ended in the fact that out of the ten years we lived for about nine years we did not leave the apartment together: And we divorced".

The first person in the family who earns more. If this is not the case, then the family will be a mess.
Corresponding Member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, Doctor of Medical Sciences psychotherapist M.E. Litvak

At the beginning of the XXI century. in families of the upper class, a return to the patrilineal and patriarchal system is characteristic, with a man in the role of the main breadwinner. The middle class continues the Soviet structure with two earners, with the woman having a great influence on all family decisions. In the lower classes, there is marginalization, the displacement of men to auxiliary positions, while the main responsibility for the family is assumed by the woman.
I.S.Kon. "Strawberry on a Birch: Sexual Culture in Russia". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Man and woman: Socionics explains.

Let's look at the statistical distributions of men and women for all socionic functions: These data are given by the founder of socionics A. Augustinavichute in the work "The dual nature of man"
                      Men%                   Women %
Logics               61                                   29
Ethics                 39                                   71
Logicians are characterized by objectivity, the ability to analyze, fairness, firmness, traits that are important for a leader. For people with a predominance of the sensual component, sentimentality, subjectivism, kindness are inherent, with similar traits a person is good for others, but bad in a situation of tough upholding of the interests of the business and the family.
There are twice as many men who think logically than women, but more than a quarter of women think that way. In addition, "female logic" is characteristic not only of the weaker sex, but also of a third of men. And when they say that women are more sentimental, cordial, inclined to harmony, empathy, this means that there are 30% more women with these traits than men, but for almost the same number of women these traits are not characteristic, for them the main thing is objectivity. rationality, and soulfulness is secondary.
Here's an example of a guy - ethics. Letter to the Club. "Good day! My problem is probably not new. I have a syndrome of a" good guy "who, as you know, sleep alone. But everything is too neglected for me. I still can't find my soul mate.At the same time, I regularly meet with girls, they admit that it is cool and fun to communicate with me, I am romantic by nature, I give flowers and poetry.But in the end, everything always rolls into friendship, albeit sometimes very warm At the same time, you cannot call me a complete loser, I have my own company, I earn good money, I am pretty, although not tall, I go in for sports. All my acquaintances give the same advice as advice - boorish. "But I do not know how to treat girls! Sometimes you have to push only to get a phone number / date, and then I have to break myself. I do not mind changing myself, but it is difficult, and the process is too slow. Is there really no other way out? already offer the most extreme and last option - to remove a prostitute, supposedly it will remove all the problems: " Alexey.
Alexey, you do not need to change because sincerity is your constitutional trait, your self. It is just as it is not necessary to impose on left-handers, to write with the right hand, it is traumatic for the psyche. You need to change the search algorithm for the girl. You will have a harmonious union with a girl, a logician, there are less than a third of them, but still there are many, there is someone to choose from.
Another social stereotype is that women's intuition is clearly stronger than men's.
                            Men%                   Women %
Sensors         49.2                                   63.6
Intuits         51.8                                   36.4

Statistics not only do not confirm this, but also speak of the opposite conclusions.

Women have amazing intuition, and nothing goes unnoticed by them, except for the obvious.
Oscar Wilde

So the author of the study, English psychologist Professor Richard Weissman, got the opposite result. A group of psychologists under his leadership tested over 15 thousand people, and came to the conclusion that male intuition is not inferior to female intuition. And in some ways it even surpasses it. People of different genders were shown 10 pairs of pictures, which depicted smiling faces. Half the time the smiles were genuine, the rest were fake. Participants were asked to distinguish one from the other. And in this test, men showed themselves at least slightly - only one percent - but more discerning than women. Then the subjects were shown similar pictures, but they were selected so that men evaluate the truthfulness or falsity of women's smiles, and women, respectively, were asked to evaluate the expression of happiness on the faces of men. And then the men took the lead: 76 percent of the men solved the puzzle correctly, while the women were right only 67 percent of the time.
The study's author, psychologist Professor Richard Weissman, was dismayed: "This discovery is fundamentally changing the idea that women are far more intuitive creatures than men," he said.
                            Men%                   Women %
Rationals         36                                   45
Discipline, Plan, Organized, Decide, Schedule, Defined.
Irrational       64                                   55
Emancipation, Improvisation, Impulsive, Wait, Freedom of Action, Approximate.
It is believed that impulsiveness (unpredictability, mysteriousness) is characteristic of a woman, but this is an irrational sign.
In typology, these functions are called "decisive", "perceiving". So what turns out to be noticeably fewer decisive men than women?
                          Men%                   Women %
Extroverts         51                                   45
Introverts         49                                   55
In the social image of a woman there is more openness, spontaneity, tolerance, collectivism, but all these traits are more characteristic of an extrovert. But the introvert prefers to perceive the world through his own experiences, reflection and restrained disclosure to others.
At the end of his work A. Augustinavichiute summarizes the statistical calculations.
"There is neither absolute femininity nor absolute masculinity. There are men and women with different psychic structures who not only appear to be perfectly feminine or ideally masculine when properly complemented by our own psychic structure."
Elsewhere: "To summarize, we can say that some want to love others to be loved, some to desire, others to be desired. Some can rightfully be called subjects of love, others - objects. Therefore, there are people who they completely take the initiative into their own hands. There are those who are inclined to partial initiative and those who leave it to their partners".

K.G. Jung discovered the androgyny of the psyche, in its structure he distinguished elements: anima is the inner archetypal image of a woman in the soul of a man, and animus is the inner image of a man in a woman's soul ...
Each of us has a poorly conscious idea of the male and female ideal. As the personality develops, a person realizes that this is his own part, a natural opportunity / need to have both male and female character traits, ways of thinking and behavior. Failure to recognize this fact and the impossibility of establishing harmony between the male and female parts of the personality is one of the problems that often gives rise to neuroses.
Carl Jung "Marriage as a Psychological Attitude"

O. Weininger also believed that there is a continuum between masculine and feminine people, i.e. the concept of sex is not discrete, but is a continuous set, without a clear boundary between the concepts of man and woman. And as one of the main characteristics of a person, this parameter is extremely important for the compatibility of partners.
Experiments conducted by O. Weininger show that people are sympathetic to partners who are oppositely located on the masculinity-femininity scale.
Otto Weininger "Gender and Character"

Books are in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

A well-known socionist from St. Petersburg Yekaterina Filatova writes more specifically about masculine and feminine characteristics of psychotypes.

Socionic test Filatova E.S.

"Let's start with the fact that a woman, by nature itself intended to conceive, give birth and feed a child, cannot even be purely physiologically equal with a man. And this is confirmed in different social roles, and, accordingly , the expectations that society has for men and women. ”A woman is a gentle and vulnerable being, a hostess in the house, a woman is a mother and educator of children, a loving and caring spouse for her husband — this is the exemplary social ideal of a“ real ”woman, and such are, accordingly, the expectations of society. The qualities that are inherent to a large extent to women are called "femininity."
A man is required to be calm and strong (including physical), endurance, the ability to provide his family financially, the ability to protect the weak, to be a support for them. After all, no matter how much we talk about emancipation, both women and children are always the weaker part of the human community that needs protection. These are the social roles and, accordingly, the requirements of society for "real" men, and the corresponding character traits, inherent to a greater extent in men, are called "masculinity". At first glance, it seems that masculinity and femininity are opposite properties of character, if masculinity is high, then femininity is low and vice versa. However, experience shows that this is not always the case.
The concept of psychological androgyny does not concern somatic qualities, but only behavior and attitudes; it is about independence, solicitude and the ability to perform specific male, specific female and sex-non-differentiated functions".

Femininity is associated with softness, sensitivity, capriciousness, daydreaming, self-doubt, aesthetic orientation, impulsiveness and some demonstrativeness. Demonstration turned out to be associated with high self-esteem and self-acceptance of women.
On the contrary, in men, demonstrativeness is associated with psychological distress. Men are more characterized by an internal locus of control, rationality, sobriety, practicality, some thick skin, self-attachment and denial of any symptoms of maladjustment. Men are over-normal, emotionally stable and self-satisfied. (5 scale MMPI)
A.V. Vizgina, S.R. Pantileeva

Sex roles - masculinity and femininity.

The interval of changes in the M and F features is chosen plus or minus 3.
ILE (Don Quixote); M = 1, F = - 1. The masculinity of the ILE is reduced in comparison with the maximum (M = 3), since this psychotype is characterized by some dispersion and impulsivity, which can give the impression of unreliability. And the reliability of character is one of the most valued qualities of a man by women. The femininity of ILE is defined as F = - 1, since women of this psychotype have little interest in the arsenal of all female strategies used in order to captivate a representative of the opposite sex.
SEI (Dumas); M = -1, F = 3. We determined the masculinity of SEI as a minimum negative value, since softness in communication, increased emotionality, and also significant unpredictability in behavior do not correspond to the ideas of a "real man", while the same character traits are especially highly valued by many men in women.
LII (Robespierre); M = 2, F = - 1. LII, this knight of truth and champion of justice, of course, corresponds more to high masculinity than femininity. True, some severity, immersion in work and frequent indecision in behavior with women somewhat reduces the score from the maximum to M = 2. As for the femininity of LII women, it, as a rule, is not high, since women, like men of this psychotype, are internally independent, independent and logical. They dislike purely female tricks, they are not flirtatious, they are even embarrassed to use cosmetics to reveal their attractiveness.
ESE (Hugo), M = 1, F = 3. The ESE woman is the embodiment of sunny joy, fun and flirtatiousness that so attracts every man. Of course, in this case, we set the maximum score F = 3. As for the ESE men, despite their chivalry, optimism, and a wonderful sense of humor - qualities so valued by women, there is an increased emotionality and vulnerability, which significantly reduces the general masculinity of representatives of this psychotype to M = 1.
SLE (Zhukov), M = 3; F = - 1. Naturally, the SLE man has the maximum masculinity, M = 3. It is among the men of the SLE that we meet the most odious representatives of the "male tribe", physically strong, possessing an unbreakable will, able to stand up for themselves and do not forgive insults from others. SLE women, with all the same character traits, are nevertheless capable of showing offensive femininity, which, however, is not perceived by everyone. One way or another, we set the minimum negative value of femininity for SLE, Ф = - 1.
IEI (Yesenin), M = - 3, F = 3. Before us, obviously, the most feminine type even of all the humanities, which obviously corresponds to the maximum score of F = 3. Delicate and vulnerable, they, like unearthly creatures, "flow", and do not walk, as if the earth's gravity hinders them a little. But this tender vulnerability, constantly changing mood, poetry: - in no way correspond to the social image of a "real man" and we gave the IEI men the maximum negative score M = - 3.

Hill and colleagues found that women are more likely than men to initiate the breakdown of long-term relationships with their partners. But at the same time, men experience more distress from such a breakup.

LSI (Maxim), M = 3; F = 0. All practices are undoubtedly strong masculine types. To a large extent, this property characterizes LSI men, since LSI men are reliable, loyal to a sense of duty, firm and uncompromising. Therefore, their score is M = 3. A firm and uncompromising LSI woman is less consistent with the ideal of a woman in the public mind. True, sensory types, even if they are logics, know how to look elegant and intriguing. Let us compare for them Φ = 0, that is, something in between.
EIE (Hamlet), M = - 2; F = 3. Unlike practitioners, all Humanitarians are endowed with a pronounced female type. Accordingly, for a woman EIE, emotional, enthusiastic, artistic and vulnerable, who knows how to be mysterious and unpredictable - we will correlate the maximum score of F = 3. But for a man of this psychotype, the character traits listed above, to which we can often also add hysteria (this character trait is often found in women), masculinity should be attributed only with a minus sign, M = - 2.
LIE (Jack London), M = 3; Ф = - 1. LIE is one of the most "masculine" types in the public consciousness. A romantic, a pathfinder, determined to overcome the harsh trials of life, he, of course, receives a maximum score of M = 3. But the same qualities of character do not correspond much to the female style of behavior. Until old age, LIE women love hiking, tents, kayaks: but as a rule, they are not very interested in outfits, cosmetics, jewelry, therefore, their "femininity" score is F = - 1.
ESI (Dreiser), M = 2, F = 2. Socials are more feminine types than men, however, ESI women often look outwardly strict, cold, inaccessible, therefore, we slightly reduced the score of femininity to F = 2. However, the same qualities of external behavior help ESI men look more masculine, despite the emotionality of ethics, which is hidden behind introversion, so for them we still chose a positive "male" score M = 2. Thus, according to our ideas, ESI type is androgynous, which is reflected in the same positive points on this scale.

O. Weininger in his book "Gender and Character" wrote that the differentiation of sexes is never completely complete. All the features of the male sex can be found, even in the weakest development, and in the female sex. You can use the concepts of the ideal man "M" and the ideal woman "F" only as typical sexual forms. "The law of sexual attraction", formulated by O. Weininger, says: "To connect the sexes, you need a perfect man" M "and a perfect woman" F ", although they are separated in two different individuals in completely different combinations." He believed that the existence of the institution of marriage is evidenced by the fact that the presence of a huge number of intermediate stages allows you to find two individuals who are right for each other. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

O. Weininger drew attention to the fact that almost all women who achieved some success in science, art or writing had deviations in the direction of "masculinity", i.e. in their psychological qualities were men rather than women.

From the test results obtained from the questionnaire for the study of masculinity-femininity S. Böhm, one can draw a conclusion that corresponds to the concept and research of S. Bam, about the prevalence of androgynous type of gender identity in modern society, over masculine and feminine types.

OR (Balzac), М = 0, Ф = 0. The masculinity of OR in the chosen scale, in behavior with representatives of the opposite sex, in the author's opinion, is little manifested. Philosopher, critic and skeptic, OR doesn't really care what he looks like. A man OR, rather, expects to amaze women with his intellectuality and gentleness in behavior. Not all women OR strive for family life, they are internally independent and often financially independent, and besides, they are critical and categorical. They like to demonstrate their "iron" logic, which is not always attractive to men. Therefore, Ф = 0. And in the end - another androgynous type, however, we note that androgyny assumes that MF - qualities are equally strong. Here - they just do not appear very clearly.
SEE (Napoleon), M = 2, F = 3. It is difficult to resist the charm of a SEE woman if a man attracted her attention. All possible tricks from the typically female arsenal, both in appearance and manipulative behavior, will be used here. Ф = 3. As you know, many generals, heads of firms (and in general leaders of various kinds) are representatives of SEE. However, let us note that we are talking about the "average" representative of the psychotype. Therefore, we cannot but take into account the strong emotionality, the frequent scattering of the SEE type, which reduces the score of masculinity, therefore M = 2. Androgyny is characteristic of this psychotype.
LSE (Stirlitz), M = 3, F = 0. Practitioners, as we have already said, are types with well-defined masculine traits. FEL is characterized by calmness, prudence, striving for objectivity, reliability. M = 3. The same character traits are not entirely invested in the concept of femininity, however, sensibility allows the representatives of FEL to look elegant, show outstanding taste and the ability to look attractive. Taking into account the above, the femininity score of the FEL is Ф = 0.
EII (Dostoevsky), M = - 2, F = 3. Like other humanitarians, EII is a female type .. The depth of feelings, the ability to love and be faithful, the desire to relieve psychological stress, support emotionally - of course , all these qualities of character allow us to assign the maximum score of femininity F = 3. As for men of this psychotype, then everything that is listed above does not correspond much to the ideal for men accepted in society. In addition, the tendency to depression of this psychotype and lack of self-confidence force to attribute to it a negative score, M = - 2.

Analyzing the image of a woman in history, J. Hunter (1976) came to the conclusion that the process of female emancipation since the time of deep antiquity was directly associated with destructive social consequences, with the disintegration of morality and the destruction of the family. So, one of the main reasons for the death of the Roman Empire was associated with the far-reaching process of female emancipation.

SLI (Gaben), M = 3, F = 0. And again we have a representative of practitioners. Calm laconic and very reliable. For many women, it is he who is the embodiment of a real man, therefore M = 3. We assigned a score of F = 0 to SLI women, as well as to FEL women, because they are characterized by discreet elegance, restraint and calmness. An introverted woman SLI looks not so much unapproachable as simply closed, and for this reason - for many, it is a mystery that one wants to solve.
IEE (Huxley), M = -2, F = 3. Gaiety, unpredictability, playfulness of women of this psychotype are purely female traits. An IEE woman is always characterized by an eccentricity of behavior and novelty, qualities that so attract men to them. Of course, here we have to put the highest score F = 3. The same character traits that are so attractive in a woman cannot be considered ideal for a man. Unpredictability, novelty and playfulness are often associated with frivolity and infidelity, lack of reliability, and the latter is perhaps the most important requirement of women in relation to men. Therefore M = - 2 ".
Below are the combined data of E. Filatova and the statistical representation of men (M) and women (F) in the psychotype, also from the work "The Dual Nature of Man" by A. Augustinavichiute
ILE (Don Quixote); М = 1, Ф = - 1. (М11; Ж4)
SEI (Dumas); M = -1, F = 3. (M7; W15)
LII (Robespierre); M = 2, F = - 1. (M6; W5)
ESE (Hugo), M = 1, F = 3. (M3; W10)
SLE (Zhukov), M = 3; Ф = - 1. (М9; Ж3)
IEI (Yesenin), M = - 3, F = 3. (M4; F8)
LSI (Maxim), M = 3; Ф = 0. (М6; Ж3)
EIE (Hamlet), M = - 2; Ф = 3. (М5; Ж9)
LIE (Jack London), M = 3; Ф = - 1. (М4; Ж2)
ESI (Dreiser), M = 2, F = 2. (M3; W4)
OR (Balzac), M = 0, Ф = 0. (M8; W2)
SEE (Napoleon), M = 2, F = 3. (M4; F9)
FEL (Stirlitz), M = 3, F = 0. (M5; W2)
EII (Dostoevsky), M = - 2, F = 3. (M4; F10)
SLI (Gaben), M = 3, F = 0. (M12; W8)
IEE (Huxley), M = -2, F = 3. (M10; W6)
Therefore, when they say that all men are from Mars, and all women are from Venus (according to the title of a popular book), then this is more a social attitude, a wish than a natural essence. And according to socionic statistics, it turns out that at best this statement is only slightly more than 50% true, otherwise it is wrong by the same amount.
Problems of such disharmony appear when a person is faced with self-identification, according to which program should he live, natural or social? The answer is found by itself in a dual pair, as dualization (lapping).

Ksenia Dedikhina became the world champion among junior strong women of kettlebell lifters. She lifted a sixteen kilogram kettlebell 202 times in 10 minutes. Ksenya is already playing for the adult team, lifting twenty-four kilogram kettlebells more than 90 times.

Man and woman: classification of psychosexual types.

The biggest biologically determined gender differences exist in the area of sexuality. Despite all the shifts brought about by the sexual and gender revolution of the twentieth century, male sexuality remains much more extensive, impersonal and instrumental than female sexuality.
I.S. Kon

Sexologists have created their own classification of psychosexual types, which reflects that men do not always want and strive for a leading role, just as women are not always satisfied with the role of submission. Types of role-playing behaviors.

Types of women.
"A woman is a mother." Strives to take care of his partner, is fond of the weak, sick, losers. Seeks to protect them, "raise", encourage, inspire. The weakness and unhappiness of men can be intense sexual stimuli. Even anxiety, emotional instability, capriciousness can be part of the structure of caresses expected from them.

According to A. Getsuk and I. Rozin (2000), 73% of the women surveyed claim that because of the constant open discussion of sex in the media, the romance of sexual relations and the mystery of women are lost (“the forbidden fruit loses its sweetness”). As a result, their peers of the opposite sex do not show due attention and respect towards women. They do not know how and do not want to look after at least the way it was done 20-30 years ago. As a result, the relationship between the sexes lost all romance and poetry. In turn, 78% of men complained that as a result of the feminist movement, the behavior of modern women is such that any desire to show them any signs of attention disappears, but there is an urgent need to assert themselves in their masculine "I".
Club . It is about changing global amorous and erotic standards. More details:

Intimacy transformation. Sexuality, love and eroticism in modern societies. A.Giddens

Book review: E. Giddens. Transformation of Intimacy. Sexuality, love and eroticism in modern societies. E. Vovk

Aggressive woman. Constantly strives to fight with a partner, first in normal, then in sexual intercourse. Mocking, caustic, prone to irony, loves to prevail over a man. In his caresses, humility, even humiliation, some confusion awaits.

The social danger of a woman acquiring a high social status according to academician V.N. Ankylosing spondylitis can have negative consequences for society due to the peculiarities of her psyche.

In revenge and love, a woman is more barbarian than a man.
F. Nietzsche

The woman is a passive-submissive type. She has the ideal of a "strong man", wants to obey, "dissolve" in him, in dreams fantasizes about a man who "takes possession of her", in the caresses of a man she prefers aggressiveness, pressure, strength, even rudeness, up to causing her pain.
"A woman is a daughter." The ideal is a man much older than a woman, strong, but not so much sexually as in everyday life, experienced. In his presence, a woman feels weak, dependent, "small", in affection she prefers "art", "knowledge that is higher than strength", is prone to psychologically stimulating influences (speech, music, etc.).
Types of men.
"A man is a father." Elderly, elegant, with great sexual experience; in a well-placed voice, speaks captivatingly. In affection, a woman appreciates the element of her "bestowal", weakness, subservient admiration, "guessing" his desires and needs. The man's caresses significantly compensate for the possibly already low sexual potential.
Aggressive man. He is inclined to the elements of "violence", "mastery" in caresses, demonstrates struggle, caresses are rude, sensual, judgments are peremptory, sometimes painful.
The man is passively submissive. Inclined to idealize a "strong woman"; in her things, clothes, she loves symbols of this power, authoritarianism, some masculinity (sportswear, high boots, big glasses, men's hairstyle, etc.) Emphasizes her humiliation, dependence, seeks orders, punishments, reprimands from a woman.
"A man is a son." Dependent, subordinate, sometimes unlucky, painful, mentally and physically infantile, dependent, Prone to imitation, can be capricious, mannered.

All articles, books and videos about sex, orgasms (M and F) and their implications.

The representatives of this typology are most clearly illustrated with sexual psychological examples. A woman - a mother does not expect strong, rough affection from a man; on the contrary, affection of this type will suppress her sexual activity. She also does not strive for the so-called supermen, because in this case she will not be able to realize her sexual potential. The partner's caresses should resemble childish role-playing behavior. A woman - mother will not prefer affection, which consists in the fact that the man squeezes his chest tightly with his hand or kisses her in an aggressive style. On the contrary, if a man weakly touches his chest with his lips , such an affection will actively arouse women of this type. They will adequately, responsively perceive the stories of men about their social and other failures, complaints about their health, malaise, overwork, doubts, fears. These confessions, complaints will be included in the framework of harmonious relationships. However, with the other three types of women, these actions will be undesirable, especially with women of the passively submissive type and with "women - daughters". They will react to this, if not with contempt, then with the inhibition of their sexuality.

Renowned psychologist Carol Gilligan has convincingly proved in her recent research that the psychological difference between men and women is caused by their upbringing, and not innate differences.

Consider the caresses of women of an aggressive type, in television programs, they are called bitches in everyday life. Some believe that if a woman in society is aggressive towards a man, then he has no chance of psychosexual intimacy with her. On the contrary, the aggressive behavior of a woman towards a man in itself indicates her interest in him, her "inclusion" in him. A mocking attitude of women, an ironic attitude indicates that a woman is interested in this man. In affection, such a woman is much more active than a woman - a mother; she is often the initiator of certain caresses. She is much more active, more diverse, without prejudice, affects the erogenous zones of a man, while showing strength and endurance. Stimulating her actions, the behavior of a man will be humility, and sometimes fear. In speech caresses to the place, when he exalts a woman, using the terms "goddess", "queen", "sovereign", and in behavior worship, veneration prevails.
A woman of a passively subordinate type may be most consistent with the classical type of woman, the one that. V. Goethe called "eternally feminine". In speech caresses, this woman shows weakness, insecurity, she often emphasizes her belonging to a man with words such as "all yours", "do with me whatever you want", "without you I am not a woman, and not even a man." In physical caresses, the technique of hugs plays an important role, in which a woman presses herself against a man, puts her head on his chest, closes her eyes, which symbolizes her detachment from the world and complete merging with him. Such women usually have a wide range of affection acceptability, since accepting any affection offered by a partner indicates their subordination. In such a pair, the manifestation of strength is permissible, in the so-called "caresses of mastery".

In one of the women's magazines, the results of a “survey” survey of a group of students were cited: what kind of men (women) do you like?
Men, on average, named 4 qualities that they would like to see in future partners, women - 8.
Without exception, all men expressed a desire for their partner to be beautiful, attractive, sexy.
75% of them would like to deal with a proactive, skillful and sexually active partner, and almost half were in favor of some form of self-care: a woman should take care of a man, watch his appearance, be able to cook. Out of 30 men, 24 wanted their partners to have the same education as them.

Consider the type of caress preferred by the "woman-daughter". First of all, it should be noted that affection in general plays a significantly greater role in the sexual life of a "woman - daughter" in comparison with women of other types. This is due to the fact that the corresponding male type "man - father" uses caresses much more widely to prepare a woman for sexual intercourse. These women emphasize their diminutiveness, grace, a kind of "childishness".
The famous French actress Rachelle belonged to this type of women; I.S. Turgenev compared her to an elegant statuette that he would like to put on his desk. They easily adopt the views, judgments, ideas of the men with whom they are in love, they comfortably sit on the laps of men, in affectionate emphasize the lack of their own initiative, enthusiastically meet the caress of a man, often describing them with words such as "fairy tale". These women are very sensitive to the psychological effects of men, to the creation of the so-called intimate environment, to the manner of courting them. Their sexual arousal increases during the period of caresses, and it happens that a woman of this type experiences an orgasm before intercourse. This allows the "man - father", who may already have a slight decrease in sexual potency, yet fully satisfy a woman much younger than himself.

Most of the women expressed a desire for a man to have a pleasant appearance, but all 30 in the list of the most important qualities of men put sensitivity and courtesy in the first place, and 18 of them strongly insisted on disinterestedness or altruism in sexual relations. Thirteen female students wrote about sexual satisfaction. Half of the women surveyed wished for riches of feelings and passionate love, and a third of them wished for material well-being.
Almost all women and only a quarter of men mentioned such qualities as physical health, sexual monogamy, hair color, height, sociability, love of music.

Summarizing the analysis of preferred caresses, it should be said that certain caresses are generally not characteristic of some types and, on the contrary, are characteristic of others. For example, it should be emphasized that "cunnilingus" is more often included in the structure of caresses preferred by women of the aggressive type, and fellatio is more characteristic of women of the passively submissive type and women of daughters. Of course, there can be no direct subordination here, the role of individual differences is very great, but the general tendency can be traced.

Frederic Chopin by Georges Sand, photo

A striking example of the relationship "woman - mother" "man - son" is the relationship between the Polish composer Frederic Chopin and Georges Sand, under this man's name was hidden an outstanding Frenchwoman, writer Aurora Dudevant. Aurora was orphaned early and was brought up by her grandmother, after her death, inherited her estate and married a simple boy. Soon they had a daughter, and a few years later a son. Relations with her husband were, to put it mildly, cool and Aurora, taking the children, leaves for Paris. An act of unheard-of insolence in those days.
Aurora met Frederic in Paris when she was 33 years old, he was 7 years younger than her. By this time, Aurora had already acquired her first literary fame and was known as an extravagant woman, willingly wore men's suits, smoked cigarettes. Aurora immediately realized that Frederick was a genius, she fell in love with him and left her lover. Frederick was considered a handsome man, was nervous, refined, irritable, infantile, spoiled attention, by this time he had the experience of two big falls in love and both times without reciprocity.
At first, Aurora did not make an impression on Frederick, but she directed all her irrepressible energy to his charm and did it openly and inventively. Her pressure was irresistible, they became friends, began to live together, and a year later he already wrote to her: "I want to live only for you, my beloved."
Unfortunately, soon Frederick showed the first signs of tuberculosis, Aurora began to take him to the resorts where they lived for a long time, turned to famous doctors. Her children from her first marriage, lived in all the moves, with them, they made friends with Frederick. Aurora said that now I had three children, she believed that sexual intercourse worsens Frederick's health, and for 10 years of marriage she refused him this. Frederick did not agree with this, demanded intimacy from Aurora, but she was adamant, and in 1847 they parted. And two years later, Frederick died. Aurora Dudevant lived to be 72 years old and loved Chopin's music until her death.

The famous French anthropologist A. Vallois, based on the analysis of factual material, came to the conclusion that in the era of the Early and Late Paleolithic and Mesolithic, the life expectancy of women was less than that of men and that, therefore, during this long period, the number of adult men in human collectives significantly exceeded the number of adults. women.

Analysis of Neolithic burials: of 21 women, 81% died between 16 and 40 years old, and of 26 men, only 42% died at this age.

In the treatise "On the Birth of Animals" Aristotle comes to the conclusion: the female body is colder than the male, since women have less souls and live much less than men ...

According to data published by the World Health Organization (WHO) in 2002, life expectancy for men was higher than that for women in six countries around the world: Nepal, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Lesotho, Bangladesh and Swaziland. After 2010, there are no more countries in the world where men lived longer than women.
In Ivanovo there were 1235 women for every 1000 men, in the Yaroslavl region there were 1238 women for every 1000 men. (2012)
In Russia, the biggest difference in life expectancy between women and men is 12.7 years.
The world average is 4.87 years in favor of women.

Different lifespan is “no longer biology, but a social disease. There are reasons that the society has power over and on which it can influence ”. Urlanis 1969

The most striking examples of "woman-mother" "man-son" compatibility are the unions of Galina Dyakova with her two husbands Paul Eluard and Salvador Dali. It was Galina who was able to see hidden geniuses in two unremarkable men and, with her energy and perseverance, help them achieve world fame.
Galina Dyakova, Paul Eluard, photo
Galina Dyakova, better known as Gala, was born in Kazan, and was friends with Marina Tsvetaeva as a child. At the age of 18, she was vacationing in one of the resorts of France, where she met an unknown young man Paul Eluard. In his memoirs, Eluard wrote that he fell in love with Gala at first sight, so she looks like his mother, and her gaze pierces the heart. Soon after they met, war breaks out, and Fields is drafted into the army. After the end of the war, Gala moved to France and they got married in 1917. A year later , their daughter Sisi is born, but Gala is almost not interested in her, devotes all her attention to Paul and his work. Paul adores his wife and, encouraged by her, writes better and better, gets published, gains fame. Gala is Paul's muse. He constantly carries with him a photo of her in which she is naked and willingly shows her to his friends.

The large cities of the Western world are literally teeming with women who have built their careers at the expense of their families, although they were not initially set up to be alone. A long period without a love relationship leads to a loss of the habit of adapting to the current situation.
Philosopher and writer Richard David Precht "Fucked Up and Hypersexual"

Galina Dyakova, Salvador Dali, photo

Having made a famous person out of Paul, Gale becomes bored with Paul and she begins to experiment with other men. In Paul's workshop, she meets a strange, clumsy young man Salvador Dali, who is 10 years younger than her. At this time, El Salvador is 25 years old, this is pitying hysterics, as his contemporaries spoke about him, walking down the street every day, he stumbled for something and fell. On the bus something happened to him: he got caught on something, he was pressed somewhere, he lost something. He was a virgin, women made fun of him at best. And Gala saw a genius in this idiot. Salvador wrote in his memoirs that he had a presentiment of a meeting with Gala since childhood, in another place - before meeting Gala, I was looking for something to rely on.

If I had not met Gala, I would have ended my life in a kennel, in rags, eaten by lice. Photo by S. Dali

A strong, outstanding, energetic woman for 4 years walked with a large folder of drawings by an unknown Salvador Dali and his drawings were rejected everywhere. Gala does not calm down and in every possible way supports her cowardly lover, her work does not go to waste, he becomes famous. Despite the fact that Gala was more than ten years older than Dali, they lived fruitfully until the end of their lives. Perhaps it was not so difficult, given Dali's ability to turn a blind eye to Gala's almost supernatural sensuality, and her numerous novels on the side.
When describing the psychological incompatibilities of the role type, it should be emphasized that "woman - mother" and "man - father" are usually indifferent to each other, but retain respect and mutual tolerance, which allows them to happily live to old age. The "woman-mother" is usually condescending to her husband's hobbies. The relationship between "man - son" and "wife - daughter" is worsening. "A woman - a daughter" despises "a man - a son", considering him a "fool", "an infantile", a "moron", and a "man - a son" is afraid of a "woman - a daughter".

Infantiles from the stronger sex. V. Klimov

The emancipation of a woman, her work outside the home leads to sad consequences: women give birth less and less. This is not a simple demographic decline or a pit, but a social and national catastrophe.
... It is impossible to cultivate a true, strong desire to be a mother in a woman by socio-economic methods. Of course, in this case, the attitude towards the child will be different, and his upbringing will be perceived as not the highest priority in life, but rather as a burden. In other words, the problem of childlessness is in the head, not in the pocket.
... Women have simply changed their goals, ideals and standards.
Elena Belyaeva

The hysteria of modern women about the "equality" of minds with men in the West concerns not only science, but also many other spheres of public life, which is beginning to pose a threat to societies themselves.
D. political science Alex Battler "On Love, Family and State." The book is in our library

While the male and female types are quite similar in terms of intelligence, there is one important difference in terms of deviation from the general norm. The highest standing man in any ability is more gifted than a woman, and the lowest masculine type is lower than all females. And although there are more outstanding minds among men, there are also twice as many idiots.
E. Trondike

Currently (2006), the idea of matriarchy is completely a thing of the past. The fact is that we do not have data on any society (modern or historically described) in which power functions are systematically exercised by women, and in which political decisions would be the stable prerogative of women. As noted by O. Yu. Artemova, even in matrilineal societies where kinship is counted along the maternal line, management was traditionally carried out by men, relatives of those women through whom the relationship was traced. In both patrilineal and matrilineal societies, men have a higher status and power than women.
Ethologist, Doctor of History M.L. Butovskaya “Secrets of sex. Man and Woman in the Mirror of Evolution". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

The combination of two masochistically oriented partners is one of the most dramatic: "We used to lie in bed for hours without touching each other, and not at all because we felt mutual disgust or dislike. It was just that each of us expected activity from the other."
The combination of two aggressive partners belongs to complete disharmony. They are in no way inferior to each other, they constantly quarrel, while quarrels and squabbles continue during sexual intimacy. Their caresses are fragmentary, unsystematic in nature and are aimed more at mutual insult than at stimulating sexual arousal.
S. Yesenin A. Duncan, photo
An example of this type of incompatibility was the union of Sergei Yesenin and Isadora Duncan. Sergei Yesenin met Isadora Duncan when she was 43 years old, he was 17 years younger than her.
Let it be that you are drunk by others
But it remains for me, it remains for me:
Isadora Duncan was called a courtesan of the 19th century, she was one of the founders of modern dance. Her career as a dancer was declining, she was already heavy, immersed, was the mother of three children. At a party after her first performance in Moscow, when everyone was already hot with alcohol, she went up to Sergei and kissed him, he pushed her away, then she kissed him even harder, he hit him. Isadora fell and howled like a simple woman, Sergei quickly lost his hop, he helped her up, began to apologize. So they began an acquaintance, and soon they got married. Isadora was wealthy enough, she had houses in different countries of Europe, they left Russia, traveled around Europe and America. He wrote to his friends: "I go to bed with her, only deeply drunk." Between them there were frequent quarrels with obscene language, insults and even fights, Isadora not only tolerated this calmly, but even smiled when he called her a bitch.
- You are a bitch, - Yesenin told her.
- And you - the dog answered Duncan
(From the memoirs of I. Odoevskaya)
Rash, harmonica, Boredom: Boredom:
The accordion player pours his fingers in a wave.
Drink with me you lousy bitch.
Drink with me:

A scarecrow in the garden.
Scare the crows.
Tortured me to the livers
From all sides:
Their marriage lasted a little more than a year, it could not be otherwise, people of an aggressive type do not like when they encounter reciprocal aggression, this quickly neutralizes their love passion.

American researchers led by Robert Holden found that women with a high level of intelligence have a hard time finding a mate and building relationships with men. It was also found that women who earn more than average are more likely to get divorced than others, and also less likely to give birth to children. Scientists explain this by the fact that successful women are less tolerant of men than their less educated peers.

I have not seen happy families with a female leader. In such pairs, both are always dissatisfied with their biological role. And this gives rise to quarrels, discontent, pain, aggression, claims. Often unconscious.
psychologist, writer Natalya Moskaleva

Leadership in the marriage of one of the spouses is not always a prerequisite for a harmonious, happy union. There are democratic marriages in which consensus prevails, each of the spouses has so much prudence that in each specific situation the position is adopted that best suits each family member.
This can be confirmed by the happy marriage of the brilliant cellist Mstislav Leopoldovich Rostropovich and the outstanding singer Galina Pavlovna Vishnevskaya, who said: “Friendship is more precious than love. Often we met in the hallway, when I went on tour, and he returned from his. We had overlapping meetings at airports. We both always had a rich creative life, and this did not prevent us from raising good children. We are both happy in your marriage: "
More examples of happy married couples, when both spouses were outstanding leaders - Raisa Maksimovna and Mikhail Sergeevich Gorbachev, Mao Zedong and Jiang Tsinn.
And when, in surveys, sociologists ask the question: "Who is the leader in your family? Husband? Wife?", Without offering alternative answers, they are wrong. A happy family without a clear leader is no exception.
Leading women and led men have always been, are and will be, this is more the norm than a deviation. Conventional wisdom is to admit this and live according to your type. Who is the leader in marriage? And is he in general this is not the main thing for a happy marriage, but the main thing is the harmonious, mutually complementary relations of the spouses, which are possible only in a dual pair.

About dual relationships, team. All articles

American scientists tried to find gender differences regarding learning ability, verbal and non-verbal communication, propensity for aggression and leadership, self-esteem, etc. To do this, they analyzed 46 research papers over the past 20 years. It turned out that gender practically does not affect all these manifestations. Only sexuality, aggression, and some motor skills were found to be strong differences.

John Gottman, family psychotherapist "Map of Love" 1999, USA. The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."
Satisfaction from sex, romantic relationships and passion in marriage among women, almost 70% depends on the quality of friendly relations with a spouse. For men, the quality of friendship with a spouse is also a determining factor for almost 70%. Conclusion: men and women are people from the same planet.

Friendship + love = philia. E. Pushkarev

A married couple is asked:
- Who was born to you, a boy or a girl?
- It doesn't matter, let it grow up and choose who to be.

Still a joke.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

Other articles are devoted to the topic "psychotypes in sex" on our website:

Sexual preferences of psychotypes.

Sexual compatibility of socionic psychotypes

"Type of nervous system", "temperament" and their influence on intimate relationships.

This page is from the section ”The Psychology of Love”.

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Briefly about love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

True love, it is also compatible love.

Friendship + Love = Filia.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief.

From disharmony in choosing a marriage partner to harmony.

Sigmund Freud about love.

In our library of books and videos (which can be downloaded for free): "Love, family, sex and about ..." nearly 1500 storage units. There is also on the topic of this article.

You can learn about the variety of problems with leadership between a man and a woman from the letters that came to the Club

Hello everybody. Yes, indeed, money is a painful issue, at least for me and my husband it turned out to be painful. I make good money, that is, 3 times more than my husband, and, of course, the maintenance of the family and the house is completely on me, incl. and a loan for an apartment. At first, my husband reproached me with this, saying that apart from a career and money, I didn't need anything else, and despite the fact that I gave birth to a daughter and a son, I bought a third apartment on credit. At first there was an ordinary kopeck piece, then an ordinary three-ruble note, but this year it is already a three-ruble note, but a brick and an improved one.
Of course, the apartments were on sale, and the difference was taken on credit, and everything was on me, incl. search for these apartments. At first I tried to prove to him that I was doing what I loved and that it brings a good income, and that there was nothing wrong with that, I just silently spent everything on my family. If I started talking about money, so that he thought about changing jobs or somehow cheating, because When I earn good money, I can't afford a lot, I save on myself and spend everything on my family and home, then he was offended and answered everything like "people earn less and live nothing, but it will be more expensive to use a car, repairs are expensive."
In short, he has a position - no and it is not necessary, we must be content with what we have! My daughter went to college, and then to college, and to the words "you have to pay for your studies," she replies "there is no money, so there will be no study, where for money, let him choose what is free." Earlier, in general, my favorite phrase was: "find yourself a rich khachik and you will live like a bird in a golden cage." This is how we talk about money.
All my friends tell me that he has settled down well and does not want to change anything, of course, because he needs to move his brains a little or his arms and legs, and maybe all at once, and he has already forgotten how to do this!
Thank you very much for reading my letter to the end. But often the question of money pulls out other problems (although, as I was taught, the word problem should not be pronounced at all, since we draw them so-so and everything in life is solvable) Yes, I am an optimist, as you may have noticed. :)
I didn’t write to get advice, but it just hurt. Larissa

Hello. I read a lot in glossy magazines, in order to find a strong man you need to be able to be weak and dependent. To be: or at least to seem. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. I am just by nature "weak and dependent", feminine, and it so happened that I married an infantile mama's son (I did not see these features in him before the wedding, before the wedding he seemed strong, confident, etc.) ... Behaving exactly like a woman, he does not change him at all, he constantly says that he can’t do anything either, he doesn’t succeed, that it’s difficult for him to be responsible. So, by my own example, I can say that not always with a soft feminine woman, a man becomes strong. There are infantile men, they were brought up so, they are satisfied when someone decides. Or am I not right? What is a woman to do in such a situation? I don't want to be a leader, but where can you go?
Best regards, Margarita

Hello. I'm 25 years old. I dated a guy for three years, being a student of the same course. There was love, there were huge plans for the future. We moved to Moscow and began to live together. But ... He "was not ready for adulthood." Sits without work, depression, I annoy him, tk. I expect from him the promised wedding, family, as it was in our plans. If it comes to breaking up, then he promises that everything will be done as soon as he understands what he wants to do. Does he think that I do not understand him and did not expect such selfishness from me? This has been going on for a year now. And now I am plowing at two jobs, I don’t like them, but I have to survive. Tatiana

Good day! I am 27 years old, my husband is 33 years old, the child is almost 3 years old. My husband is annoying, I think about divorce and I don't want to have sex with him. I feel like a slave. He says that I need to go to the doctor to see a psychologist and a gynecologist. Today I lost my job, but I have a part-time job and he says that there is something to live on. I can’t understand it’s me or him? What to do???? According to my marriage, the end will soon be. I have no feelings. We have been living together for 4 years in a civil marriage and 3 years in an official marriage. I had sympathy for him and believed that he was a serious, responsible person and that I would always be calm with him and would always feel like a woman. But it turned out not to be so.
For 7 years of living together, I had to solve all the issues with renting an apartment, buying an apartment, looking for money to buy one or another, I had to go to work when the child was 10 months old. and pay the nanny for the care. All documentary issues were always solved by me. He did not undertake anything, the only thing that he himself made repairs in the apartment and then kicked in the ass. And his salary is 8 thousand rubles. and plus the percentage of sales that are only in the summer. Everything lies with me, and I want to be a woman, not a plowman !!!!!!
Maya, a reluctant commander.

Good afternoon. Before the wedding, we were friends with my husband for 2 years. He was summoned on a business trip about a year after they met (at the very peak of love and sex and all that). Business trip to another country for up to 1 year. I thought I'd go crazy. And he didn't even call me with him. And in general he told me not to wait for him. But I loved the fool so much that I asked myself (to no avail). Then I myself said that I would wait as long as necessary at least 10 years !!! She called him herself, she said that I was waiting for him, although he did not need it. In general, she took the initiative into her own hands. I waited for him. Then the wedding. Although he didn't particularly want to get married either. But I again took the initiative. And she got her way. And what's the point of having lived for 5 years, there is a child, but he is still the same passive. And we are on the verge of divorce.
In short, if I knew how it would end, I wouldn't need him. Here. If a man is active, he will do everything so that the woman is next to him. There is neither distance nor time. I am so sorry now that I imposed myself on both the waiting and the wedding. And that she took everything into her own hands. This did not bring me happiness.

Well, this article touched me a lot. I would like to clarify one question - do we have normal men in Russia today ? Or our female requirements for them so inflated that they plunge most of the candidates into panic and fear before the woman, which produces such requests? That Is there which of us is more abnormal - are they or we? Based personal experience of communication with my husband, it can be concluded, something that my attempts at 29 years old to satisfy my need for family life, quite versatile, I must say (but by no means not super duper!) - make me crazy.
His needs, due to the large amount of time spent at work, are reduced to almost animals 3- "P" (eat, sleep, ...). All this is explained by the fact that "it should be so". Money doesn't go home (by the way , not very big, but still :) And all my whims - for my own money. He is already 38. Second marriage, no children, the relationship is ruined. I may be an idiot. But most likely not from the fact that I still want family happiness in general. What do I want it is from him?
Best regards, not crazy SS.

Hello everyone! My husband and I got married out of great love. I knew that his character is not easy, and he is 13 years older than me. Now I am 32. We have 3 children - 2 girls and 8 months old boy, whom he begged very much. He loves children, maybe me too. But he became very rude and cruel to me even in the last 3 years. The fact is that I, a graduate student, a computer science teacher, seeing no more prospects in a private computer center, began to receive a second degree - for an accountant. Fortunately, the husband and his brothers have their own companies and have a place to work. Now I conduct accounting at home in these firms, I receive a salary and an allowance, in short, I bring my own pretty penny. Since I went to study (and I really like this profession), he constantly reproaches me that I waste money, that I cannot cope "you are the same stupid accountant as everyone else" (and this is not so - I have brains in place).
As a session, we are on the verge of a divorce. He is very angry that I did something without asking. He generally thinks that I am only service personnel: "You will listen to me, I have been supporting you for 8 years, so do what I tell you!" Although I have always tried to work. My arguments do not work, it came to assault. On Saturday, I tore about 100 family photos - our children in infancy and our happy years .. He said they were cloudy. In my opinion, they are normal, why he did so, no one understands. Maybe he has mental problems? Now we have parted, he lives with his parents. He wants to return. Do you think it is possible to convey to him that he should respect my opinion, take care of me, help around the house, give money for food at least. I'll probably overstrain myself soon. How to explain to him, must he understand? I have not yet completely stopped loving him, all day thinking only about him, I want to live with him amicably. What am I doing wrong? Or should I break myself and do as he tells me? Catherine

Hello Evgeny. The last couple of mailings were about, stories, in which I saw some part of my life. I wanted to write about my experience, my lessons.
Once, while still in school, I considered myself unlucky: buses broke down, as soon as I got in them, I came across unloved tickets during exams, and all the other delights of failure. But one day I suddenly thought: but actually, why am I unlucky? What is really not working out? And I realized that what I took for unluckiness was just some trifle. I began to tell myself and others that I was always lucky, and troubles, even small ones, began to avoid me.
Then I began to cultivate a feeling of constant well-being and happiness. And it turned out that it takes as much effort, and sometimes less than being unhappy. Of course, it became more difficult to experience fluctuations in emotions, the amplitude of experiences decreased, I forgot how to grieve inconsolably and for a long time ... Or maybe there was no reason? ..
Close people are very important to me, and once I made a list of the most necessary, close, important people to me. And then she imagined that they were not. No one. And you know, I realized that my life does not end there, it does not become empty, I always have myself. This is probably why I was never lonely, I did not feel like that, although there were periods when I was alone. Loneliness is emptiness, but in the end, why should the emptiness in my own life be filled by another person and not myself? .. I thought a lot about relationships, about love. For me, love is a gift, when you give, without thinking about whether the person will return something to you, whether he will accept your gift at all. You give because it is the most natural thing for you, because there is something to give. And for this you need to make it easy to give. Now it’s not a feat for me when the last one is given - what is valuable in the last? .. (The last remaining warmth, the last bright emotions, the last time ...) It is valuable - if you live in such a way that the latter is not there, but there is always a reserve of strength, feeling , understanding, care - if you know how to restore all this in yourself.
But when you learn this, the number of people with whom you are comfortable and happily next to becomes very large. Then you can choose with whom it is especially good, with whom it is harmonious.
There have been several men in my life, and I can't say anything bad about any of them. We are still friends with some of them, with someone after parting, relations by themselves came to naught, but they always parted without abuse and accusations. With each of them I could live for years, and although the efforts for this would be different, it would never be an unbearable effort (at least, I think so).
It seems to me that nothing destroys a relationship like competition between a man and a woman. You must admit that society, social life, for the most part, are built by men, and male laws are laid everywhere: competition, the victory of the strong, outward visible signs of success.
But why should women play by the rules that are not inherent in her nature, and even more so to transfer these rules to relationships? .. The saddest thing is when they talk about equality, protection of their own freedom. It is sadder, because more often it is precisely those women who do not feel free who say this and prove to themselves their right to do so in the struggle with the most dear ones, with their beloved ...
Do you know what is especially difficult for me right now? Don't hide your happiness from people. I am constantly faced with the fact that others say: "You cannot be proud and rejoice that everything is good, people around are envious, they jinx it." There is a friend who says: "In my life I have not seen a single example of a happy long marriage, there are wormholes in every family. Is it worth getting married to suffer later?"
But there are people who want to be happy, really want, are ready to do a lot for this. There must be real examples for them that this is generally possible. For such people, it is worth being "indecently happy" (a phrase that was once said after me).
Of course, you can argue that it is just by chance that my life goes by without sharp outbursts: I was initially lucky with my parents, friends, male villains did not meet on the way, just young yet. Probably ... But I don't want to live, clamping down on my joys now because then difficulties may come. I am 26 years old, until last year I lived and worked in a large city, there was an interesting promising job, but in the summer I married a man who lives in another small town. It was necessary to make a decision about who moved to whom. Everyone around was saying that he should move: in a large city there are more prospects and opportunities for both, my salary allowed even two to live on it, the issue was more or less resolved with an apartment, my work was more promising in terms of both money and scale .. ...
But I moved because it was easier for me to do it, because as a woman I can afford to be not very successful in my career and profession, in salary, to be dependent on a man. This position of a woman is calmly accepted by society, and in a woman somehow, apparently by upbringing or even genetically implanted acceptance of this. And it was more necessary for him, more important than me, to be successful and strong at that time. When I moved, many perceived it as either a sacrifice or a defeat. I believe that this is just my contribution to the family. Something rational contribution: I do not need a man-child next to me who does not believe in himself, does not require love, but pampering.
This year has shown that my husband and I did everything right. Of course, the term of my family life is still short, but all this time we were able to live happily, with love and care for each other. Now we are expecting a little one, and for me this is the most important Business today. Larissa.

Hello, I never thought that I would ask for advice with such a "stupid" question. Having lived with my husband for 10 years, always earning more than him (almost a business woman :)), I realized that this was wrong. That it is impossible to continue like this. Then I realized that we have no future at all. I realized that my marriage taught me how bad it is not to love yourself. I realized that pity (for myself, for my husband, for someone) is not love. It's quite the opposite. Now I am looking for my femininity, myself - my beloved. On the one hand, you want to live next to a real man (which means you have to become a real woman). On the other hand, while I am alone, I have to earn a livelihood for myself and my children. But in raising funds, you probably need to be a little bit of a man. What do you think? How to combine fundraising and femininity? Good luck to you. Marina

Эрих Фромм

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

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Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми