Stories from the life of the "ENLIGHTED LOVE" Club.

Mikhail is 48 years old, married, 2 children. The memory of school love was not forgotten, I remembered almost every day. I often asked myself questions: Maybe it was necessary to marry "school love"? After all, she does not forget, where did she go wrong? With such a prehistory, Mikhail came to the club. After he got acquainted with the program, he said: "On a theoretical, reasonable level, all this is unexpected, but understandable. Basically I have learned. But what to do with feelings, they pester something, create a mental problem."

Already, proceeding from a new, civilized understanding of love and falling in love, Mikhail and I decided that he should meet with a classmate who lived in a neighboring city and calmly, without drama, tactfully recall and talk. And only after that, seriously think about the decision - what to do?

Mikhail, under the guise of a business trip, organized a kind of random meeting and, during a three-hour walk - conversations, he told how he was once in 10th grade in love with her, without mentioning frequent memories of her and consultations in the club. She said that Mikhail was also one of the contenders for her choice, but he was too passive, shy and she chose the most persistent - a classmate. As it turned out, it was not entirely successful.

After this nostalgic meeting, Mikhail realized that his crush refers to the distant, 17-year-old, funny Olenka, who exists only in his memories. And in life there is Olga Pavlovna, tired of problems, on her face, whose figure and character life has left indelible changes. And his crush refers not so much to her as to that youthful time. After working for another couple of months on the club program, feelings and thoughts about "school love" ceased to pester

Larisa and Sasha studied in parallel classes, in the last school year they had an affair. Larisa is a beautiful, phlegmatic, reading a lot, serious girl, she studied with almost one A. Sasha is a handsome, sociable, agile student of C grade, who is fond of tourism and cars. He was not going to go to college, so he studied carelessly. Their romance was uneven and nervous from the very beginning. Although they did not meet very often, they managed to quarrel almost every time. Larisa wanted them to have romantic meetings with flowers, intellectual conversations, a visit to the theater. Sasha tried to involve Larisa in his friendly travel company with a guitar and constant, active events, which she could hardly bear. Larisa also did not like his manner of hurrying somewhere all the time, constantly communicating with someone. Because of that, quarrels arose, but the next day they were attracted to each other. Sasha called in the morning, offering to make up and meet. Larisa allegedly sulked for a few more days, kept it that he "understood" everything. After which they met with great impatience, each meeting was bright, stormy, emotional. But after a stormy, sweet beginning, the meeting certainly turned into misunderstanding, reproaches, and quarrels. Sometimes they did not quarrel for several days, but sometimes the quarrels reached Larisa's bitter tears.

At the end of the service, Sasha got married in the city where he served, and a daughter was born. But family life failed, divorced. Larisa, at the university, as well as at school, studied with almost one A. The guys tried to take care of the beautiful, clever Larisa, but no one, something serious and did not achieve, although she did not lead a reclusive lifestyle. Parting with another gentleman took place after the sentimental memories of Sasha, tears of resentment shed in the pillow-girlfriend and secret thoughts, and suddenly everything will work out. At first, Larisa liked the courtship of the applicants for her heart, she answered them with hope, but tears of memories once again interrupted another attempt at romance. After tears of memories, the next gentleman seemed insipid, boring, not worthy of further attention.

After the divorce, Sasha moved to live in a neighboring city. Sometimes, when he came to visit his parents, he and Larisa met by chance, but she had already begun to avoid finding out the relationship. As much as possible, because this was already the twelfth year of their dramatic, nervous, too confusing romance.

After getting acquainted with the club's methodology, Larisa immediately became actively involved in the work on the program. After testing, an incompatibility was revealed that leaves no hope for creating a family with Alexander. Their feeling, both in appearance and in detail, did not fit the category of "love" in any way, it was a distinctly poor quality of love - mania. And this meant that the neurotic feeling needed to be neutralized, even better with the clarification and elimination of the reasons.

At first, Larisa, with understanding and willingness, joined the healing process. When clarifying the reasons that predetermined this neurotic romance, she recalled the following episode from her childhood.

When she was not even three years old, her parents had the opportunity to get a large, good apartment. But the condition for obtaining it was that both parents would work in a construction trust, and the father's work was associated with long business trips. When Larisa's mother went to work, she locked her alone in a three-room apartment. At first she was scared and cried bitterly, but quickly got used to it, and later she even liked to be at home alone. Also, in the parents' relationship in the early years, there were difficulties associated with the love relationship of the mother with the boyfriend, which was before marriage. There were situations when the father's reproaches brought the mother to tears. In the adult memories of Larisa, only that she cried bitterly and inconsolably when her mother closed her alone in the apartment and her mother's tears after some conversations with her father. Even as a small child, she understood that the reason for her mother's tears was her father, Larisa approached him and hit him on the knee with a pen. And he was so huge and strong he took her in his arms and tried to calm her down. She learned the details of those distant events much later.

The analysis revealed the similarity of some of the external and behavioral traits of the father and Sasha, which predetermined the heavy love for him. On the initiative of Larisa, her latent fear of starting a family was also revealed. What manifested itself in interest, interest in the first, romantic part of her relationship with men and indifference, alienation, when it was necessary to move on to more serious, concrete actions.

When working on understanding, realizing the destructive nature of heavy falling in love and correcting painful subconscious attitudes, Larisa had two breakdowns. When she stopped classes according to the club's program and again began to habitually cry into the pillow, coming to the idea - everything is useless and life should be taken as spoiled as it is now. Better "family" and familiar experiences and tears than incomprehensible, frightening novelty, some other life. The second breakdown occurred due to a meeting with Sasha at the anniversary of a mutual acquaintance, where he, it seemed, should not have been. There they talked little, and no one showed the initiative of another showdown. After this meeting, emotional memories for three weeks overwhelmed Larisa, and she again retreated from the club's program.

After both failures, Larisa came to the club, and we worked out in detail the places in which she made mistakes that caused the excess. Larisa is a smart woman, she learned the club's program, understood the reasons for her mental suffering and what needs to be done to recover, but still she had heartfelt experiences that were difficult for her to cope with without the support of the club.

She was doing well with understanding the problem, worse with her awareness. That is, when you explain the situation to her, or when she herself tells, understanding is present, but when she remains alone, she cannot deny herself the pleasure of plunging back into the familiar, sentimental world of blissful relationships with Sasha, corresponding to her idea of ​​love. This is a situation when feelings, as it were, took her mind captive and this state is not innocent. When a person realizes the viciousness of this connection, then in thoughts and feelings he takes one single position, these unrealistic dreams can only harm me.

It is possible to prevent immersion in the world of habitual, utopian dreams due to a timely and sincere story about them to comrades-in-arms, or "shaking out" the emotional provocation in the diary. If this prevention is not done, dangerous dreams can supplant understanding and push to 1001 unsuccessful attempts to do it, as it happens in dreams.

After half a year of working on the program, Larisa accepted the offer of the persistent officer to marry him, and they left far from their home, to the place of his new service.

Hope. 31 years old, married 7 years old, daughter 6 years old.

Before this incident, family life was calm, measured, even. The family lived in a house on the outskirts, to which it was necessary to walk from a bus stop about 100 meters, through a vacant lot. Nadezhda repeatedly returned home at dusk, when she stayed with her mother, sister or girlfriends. It was all familiar, usually. This time, also returning to twilight, walking through the wasteland, she met three drunken teenagers. They talked loudly, swearing defiantly. Having caught up with Nadezhda, one of the teenagers began to pester, others supported him. Nadezhda began to shout loudly at the teenagers and fight back with her handbag. But this only provoked the hooligans, they began to take away their purse. Hope screamed for help. A man with a dog was walking nearby, he ran to help. After a short scuffle, the youths ran away. Nadezhda was excited, upset, together they went to the house. Entering the illuminated entrance, for the first time she clearly saw the face of her savior, it made a pleasant impression. Unexpectedly for her, the thought came to her: "I have to thank him with sex. He's a savior. An unwholesome man will rush to help in a similar situation." We talked for several minutes at the entrance, discussing the unfortunate situation.

Dmitry called a few days later, when the incident began to be forgotten, they easily got into conversation. Nadezhda immediately remembered her thought that she should thank the savior, so when Dmitry offered to meet after work, she immediately agreed. Dmitry told his story: he and his wife have a tense relationship, so when a friend, leaving on a business trip, asked to live in his apartment to feed and walk the dog, he willingly agreed.

The first thought about the calculation for salvation by intimacy surprised Nadezhda, but now, during emotional communication, she seemed quite natural and even desirable. Next time we agreed to meet in the apartment where Dmitry temporarily lived. Communication and intimacy turned out to be so exciting that the next meeting was not only obvious, but also highly desirable.

Her sister and mother were on the side of her husband. Their position was as follows: "Nadka stop fooling, twisted her tail and that's enough. Where else can you find such a man? After all, your daughter is growing up, what an example you set." This opinion was shared by most of her friends and colleagues. At work, Nadezhda became withdrawn, irritable, after work she immediately rushed to her new home, where she completely transformed and flourished. Next to Dmitry, she forgot everything in the world, all the problems of the day remained outside the walls of their new apartment, she did not want to think about them, let alone solve.

A month later, Dmitry's friend was returning from a business trip, and something had to be decided. Nadezhda, under the influence of her mother and sister, made a difficult and painful decision to return to her family. Three months later, when relations in the family were mostly restored, Dmitry met Nadezhda after work and offered to sit in a cafe. This was their first meeting after a whirlwind romance, Dmitry said that his relationship with his wife came to a divorce, and moreover, difficulties at work were added. And Dmitry decided to move to a neighboring city and calls Nadezhda with him. He found a job there even earlier, rented an apartment. A few days later, when her husband was not at home, Nadezhda packed her suitcase and left.

Nadezhda: "Dmitry is a soft and docile person, but inhibited and inactive, he really likes to lie on the couch with a newspaper, watch TV, and you won't be interrogated to do something about the house. Because of this, quarrels arose, I could not stand it, but after for a couple of minutes, I was seized with fear that he would get up and leave, the fear was so strong that I began to cry. I rushed to Dima, tears poured into two streams, and I kept repeating: "Just don't go, just don't leave me, I will do everything myself, just don’t leave ".

Unexpectedly for myself, unrestrained jealousy opened up in me, as soon as Dima stayed for a few minutes at work, I could not find a place for myself, the most terrible thoughts climbed into my head, everything fell out of my hands. Most of all I missed my daughter. With the edge of my mind, I understood that I was doing something wrong, but leaving Dima was beyond my feminine strength, although occasionally such thoughts came. "

Several times the husband, mother and sister came to the negotiations, brought their daughter. After many months of negotiations, they still managed to return Nadezhda to the family, provided that they sell an apartment and a garden here and leave for Kazakhstan, where her aunt lived with her husband. After a year of living in Kazakhstan, their second daughter was born, after which the spiritual relationship in the family was finally restored. All these adventures added gray hair and wrinkles to both.

The Club is addressed not only with questions, requests for advice, but also with serious, outdated mental problems, from which a person cannot get out on his own.

“I turned to you because I suffer a lot, I love one person for 24 years. In the same month I fell ill, lost 10 kg, quit college and work and for two months simply did not see anything, then the love of my parents gradually brought me out of this situation. I got married and gave birth to a son and was happy. But after 9 years in my life he appears again. I again seemed to lose my head, again believed that he loved me, cheated on my husband. I felt the happiest in the world, did not live flying through the air He himself told my husband everything, insisted on my divorce. Now I have been dating him for 9 years, but he still remains in his family. Everything promises that we will be together, but he is looking for opportunities just to spend time with me well, calmly and blames me I am that we are not together. When alone, I understand everything. When I forget everything with him, everything in the world. My Soul Hurts.

Ksenia, 41 years old, Moscow ".

A comment:

The feelings that Ksenia is experiencing is a pronounced, terry mania.

Unhappy lovers who have recognized the gravity of their situation and made the decision to abandon the unhealthy feeling in the first weeks of "disorganized" release give up. A breakdown sets in, the lover again makes an unsuccessful attempt to organize his love relationship. In the content of such experiences, it is necessary to emphasize the "feeling of grief" associated with the rejection of painful relationships. This means that a sufferer who has given up the object of his painful love, which is the object of his dominant emotional attachment, experiences grief in the same way as a person who has lost a close relative. A sufferer in love has the thought "but without this person and the feelings associated with him, life simply loses all meaning." At this difficult stage of recovery, the help and support of a specialist is important. A well-known psychotherapist from California compares alcoholism with a disease of poor quality in love Robin Norwood in her book Women who love too much.

I also run sites on the Internet that help to get rid of alcohol and nicotine addictions, so I fully share the opinion of R. Norwood about the similarity, course and getting rid of chemical and addictions. Most of both alcoholics and those suffering from "over-selective love", having tried to get rid of their painful addiction, do not dare to completely break with it, forever remaining slaves of addiction.

Both alcoholism and "too much love" (unhealthy relationships) in the early stages appear, hidden, but when the destructive consequences become obvious, it is tempting to consider and treat only the physical manifestations of the disease - cirrhosis of the liver or pancreatitis in an alcoholic, a nervous disorder or high blood pressure in a woman who "loves too much" without looking at the big picture. It is vitally important to treat these "symptoms" in the context of the disease process that led to their formation, and to recognize this disease process at the earliest stages in order to prevent the possibility of destruction of emotional and physical health.

Two friends, Vladimir Vysotsky and Mikhail Shemyakin, admitting themselves to be alcoholics and deciding to get rid of him, together they "sutured" the drug "esperal". For Vladimir, this process went according to the worst scenario, he became a drug addict, died. Mikhail flourished of creativity, maximum efficiency came after the cessation of alcoholism, from which he got rid of after the 9th "filing".

Recovery from alcoholism and "too much love" (unhealthy relationships) also largely coincide:
- Admitting helplessness in the face of the disorder
- Taking responsibility for your actions
- Seek help from specialists
- Try to objectively understand your feelings, and not get stuck in them
- Development of healthy interests, improvement of lifestyle

Or maybe Xenia for you to try? And to decide to go through this "feeling of grief", once and for all parting with "love bondage", because after this harmonization of personal life, sexual relations, a feeling of joy from victory and fullness of life will inevitably come. After all, thousands of spiritual sufferers have already done this. Nobody, about your life, health, son will care more than you yourself. After all, this "bitter honey" has been going on for 24 years - a whole generation. Better a horrible end than endless horror.

From the standpoint of psychotechnicians, these disorders are easily eliminated, but in life, in practice, everything is not so simple and the main difficulty is anosognosia, not recognizing the painful feeling of the feeling. The closest example from narcology, when a chronic alcoholic, on all persuasions that he needs to be treated, not to get out of this disease on his own, answers with conviction that he drinks like everyone else and at any time can become a teetotaler himself

Xenia, like many love sufferers, did not have the courage, the goodwill, to break out of this complex mental problem.

E. Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTED LOVE"