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I am married but fell in love ...

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Falling in love in all their diversity is one of the main topics of our site, several articles are devoted to them:

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

How to distinguish love from falling in love and other pseudo-lovers. E. Pushkarev

If you eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

The rest are listed at the bottom of the page.

Give your heart will - will lead you into captivity.
Russian proverb

The Club has accepted an appeal to YOU. Admit it, it's more convenient.

I am married but in love

Hello everybody! My story is about unhappy love. About unhappy because I fell in love with a young man, communicating on the Internet. We both have families and children. We have been communicating for a year and a half, almost every day. There was a lot of everything .... both joy and disappointment.
Everything has already mixed up, real life seems unreal, as if it is a period of time that we are trying to live as quickly as possible, striving and hurrying to something ... We cannot meet, since we live in different countries ... but we still found each other, despite the distance. How to be now? How to return the normal flow of time? How to learn to live real life in real life without looking at the virtual one ???? I know that we will not be together, but I cannot stop ...

Another letter.
Hello! Please help with advice. I fell in love with a person whom I have no right to fall in love with. I can't talk about this with anyone, but I want to talk.
Firstly, I am married and have a child. My husband is normal, of course, over the 6 years of marriage, the relationship has become cooler, but he is a good family man, and I am happy with my marriage.
Secondly, the young man I fell in love with is 10 years younger than me and is studying at my institute. I see him quite rarely, maybe once a week, but I think all the time, I don't sleep at night, my heart squeezes. It's hard for me to judge how much the feelings are mutual, he is extremely polite and tactful with me. He likes me for sure, but I cannot know about falling in love.
Thank you . WITH respect . Bella .
Our comment:

Falling in love, getting carried away is a normal state of an adult, healthy person, especially in spring, for some in autumn. But the transition of falling in love into uncontrollable drama, even worse into passion, more precisely, in poor-quality falling in love is a mania , this is problematic development of the situation.

Rutgers Professor of Anthropology at Rutgers University (New Jersey, USA) Rutgers Helen Fisher has conducted research on nature for 30 years, and the chemistry of love explains: romantic feelings for someone else, feeling sexual attraction regardless of your partner. This independence means the ability to love several people at the same time - a situation that leads to jealousy, adultery and divorce".
As Dr. Fisher notes, "... we are not made for happiness, but for reproduction."

About Professor Helen Fisher and true love. E. Pushkarev

Take the Helen Fisher test to select the best partner hormonal compatibility.

The two stories seem to be different, but they have something in common, which I would like to talk about.
Any hobby: football, work, a singer, stamps, fried potatoes, a colleague is good as long as it helps in life, brings new colors to it. As soon as it stops filling life with positive emotions, you need to think about its expediency, but as soon as it starts to strain,
>>> "I think all the time, I don't sleep at night, my heart squeezes",
you need to decide on your own position:
You can take an irrational - romantic position of the victim and every 15 minutes "Oh and Oh". This position is also called ostrich, when the head is in the sand.
And you can choose a rationally offensive: the more fully, in more detail you understand, realize the processes and the driving forces, their alignment, where it came from, the more controllable, less powerful and despotic the experiences become. Understanding and awareness disarm the blind forces of the amorous element.
Therefore, if the role of the victim is closer to you, you can stop reading further. If you consider yourself to be the mistress of your destiny, you need not just read, strive to fully understand what is happening.

UNDERSTANDING - characterized by clear internal coherence, logical ordering, facts are combined into a single logical system. It is appropriate to recall the expression of I.P. Pavlov: "While there is no idea in the head, the eyes do not see the facts." And another famous said: "The more you know, the more you can."
The key issue in understanding your own feelings is taking responsibility for them. This means that initially you need to accept this responsibility at the level of consciousness. That is, to mentally agree that in any situation my emotional reactions depend only on me and not on anyone else (the people around me), and on nothing (fate). An obligatory sign of responsibility is a certain "answer", i.e. "Action" on my part. It can be expressed in a surge of emotions or anger, but these are short-term phenomena, after which reflection and mind turn on.

If children still do not know how to distinguish whims, whims, fantasies, then adults already distinguish them because this is where adulthood begins. Otherwise, mental problems arise.

Love is not for the infantile! E. Belyakova

An adult already has the resource to say to himself: “That's it. Thank you, you have completed your mission. You were pleasant, but now you have passed the measure, which is why you have lost the right to be with me".

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

A wise person understands that it is easier to prevent oneself from infatuation than to fight it later.
F. de La Rochefoucauld

It can be said for sure that the feelings that women experience are:

- either, natural love, which has nothing to do with love. Yes, these are stormy, vivid, exciting experiences, but they have a different nature with love: origins, flow, completion.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

Essence love . E. _ Pushkarev .

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Is love an emotion, feeling or what? E. Pushkarev

If you eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

Falling in love is not some kind of fateful event, but a fairly common and not so rare everyday thing.

I fell in love

Poll by the Public Opinion Foundation 2004 “How many times in your life have you had to fall in love?”,
once - 33%, twice - 20%, three times - 13%, four times - 2%, five times - 3%, ten times - 3%, many times - 14%, didn't fall in love - 10 %, the other - 2%.

"Levada Center" early 2014
48% of Russian citizens of both sexes, different ages and from different regions surveyed by sociologists are in love. In love: Muscovites (52%), students and pupils (63%), under 25 (68%), under 40 (69%). It is winter, by the spring these numbers will increase.

The reason for divorce in the Volgograd region (2014-2015) is the emergence of a feeling of love for another person 36-48% (in different age groups).

I fell in love ... Memo to a man in love. E. Pushkarev

Internet Poll Results: Are you in love at the moment?

46.5% - Yes! Yes! Yes!
14.6% - no (and happy about it)
14.2% - no (but I dream of falling in love)
9.8% - yes ... (but not mutually)
8.9% - my heart was recently broken ...
7.2% - I don't even know what it is

The reason for falling in love is most often an increase in hormonal activity in the majority in the spring, emotional or sexual dissatisfaction, recovery, vacation, change of residence. Just as there is a deficiency of vitamins, microelements in the body, there is a deficiency of emotional, erotic, eventual, adrenaline stimuli. In some cases, people with the help of falling in love are saved from depression, etc.

There was an unrequited love of Sophia Andreevna, the wife of L.N. Tolstoy into a friend of the Taneev family. Everyone saw and guessed about this love except for Taneev himself. They never became lovers.
In her diary, Sofya Andreevna wrote: "I know this precisely painful feeling when love does not illuminate, but the world of God fades, when it is bad, it is impossible - and there is no strength to change."

Lovers who are at the peak of wonderful experiences are simply unable to imagine that falling in love: excitement, euphoria, mystical feelings of fatefulness, "unearthly joy", a strong emotional attraction to each other may someday pass.

This is how the "falling in love traps" work:

is the recognition trap. It sounds like this: “As soon as I met you, I immediately felt that I was looking for you. I recognized you at once ”;

is a trap of infinity of time. It sounds like this: “We have known each other for only a few days, but it seems to me that I have known you all my life”;

is the reunion trap. It sounds like this: “When I am with you, I feel like a different person, I gain what I have long lacked in my life”;

is a necessity trap. It sounds like this: "I can't live without you!" Lovers are so absorbed in each other that they cannot imagine their separate existence. This can be compared to how a newborn cannot live without a mother;

is the trap of the eternity of feeling. It sounds like this: "I am confident in the eternity of our feelings";

is a deification trap. It sounds like this: “Yes, you know how extraordinary he is. To any doubt, beloved: "Yes, you just do not understand anything in people";

is the first love trap. It sounds like this: "My feeling for you flashed again with the same brightness." But as Nancy Kalish, a professor of psychology at the University of Sacramento, warns: "Never look for your first love: 62% of searches end up in the destruction of marriage and family."

Here's how L.N. Tolstoy describes Natasha Rostova's experience of falling in love with Anatoly Kuragin:
“Three days,” Natasha said. - I think I have loved him for a hundred years. It seems to me that I have never loved anyone before him. You cannot understand this. Sonya, wait, sit here. - Natasha hugged and kissed her.
- I was told that it happens and you heard it correctly, but now I have just experienced this love. This is not what it used to be. As soon as I saw him, I felt that he was my master, and I was his slave, and that I could not help but love him. Yes, a slave! What he tells me, I will do. You don't understand this. What am I supposed to do? What can I do, Sonya? - Natasha said with a happy and frightened face".

Then she made an attempt to escape with Anatol Kuragin from the parental home.

It should be recalled, only that Natasha was experiencing a stormy mutual love for Prince Andrei Bolkonsky and was already engaged to him. And even earlier, she experienced an exciting "first love" with Boris Drubetsky.

And soon Natasha will find true love with Pierre Bezukhov, a happy family and become a mother of many children

In lovers experiencing their violent feelings, both all of the listed signs and only some of them may be present, it all depends on the degree of involvement in this feeling and at what stage the love is.

But the realities of life are such that falling in love always passes, only one is slower than another faster, another source of dramas and tragedies. Psychologist Zeke Rubin from the University of Michigan found in the course of research that women fall in love faster than men, they are more likely to initiate a breakup and experience it easier.

H. Fischer states that the maximum duration of falling in love is 30 months.

… When we come out of a state of emotional obsession, we often wonder why we did this. When the level of emotions subsides, and we return to the world of reality, where our differences are very clearly visible, how many of us asked: "How could we get married? We do not agree with each other on anything"? But at the peak of falling in love, we thought that we agree with each other in everything - at least in what is important.
Gary Chapman "Five languages of love"

It can be noted that in the English language, unlike Russian and German (Verliebtheit), there is no word "in love", therefore G. Chapman uses for this the main functional sign of falling in love "emotional obsession".

And here is how Sergei Yesenin sums up his fleeting romance with Isadora Duncan , his diary entry (1923) : “There was passion, and great passion. This went on for a whole year. And then everything passed and there was nothing left, nothing. When there was passion, I saw nothing. And now! My God, how blind I was! Where were my eyes? That's right, they always get so blind".

The most important result of large-scale studies of happy and unhappy couples in love, Z. Rubin was able to identify three main components of sexual individual love: attachment, care and intimacy (trust). Based on three significant components, Z. Rubin developed a “scale of love”. With its help, it is possible with high reliability to distinguish love from falling in love and other near-love experiences.

Virtue consists not in the absence of passions, but in the management of them.

- either - Poor love is a mania. This is more complicated than natural love, because it refers to a psychological or even mental upset.

A large collection of articles and books about love addiction, which our culture often calls "addictive love" "overselective love" , "Neurotic love", "too much love", "more than love", "compulsive love", "toxic love", etc. and people suffering from these disorders.

There is a positive moment in these stories, both women understand that their novels have no prospects, it is much worse when a man has already plunged his whole head into his love disorder and has come to terms with it.

And if the heart is breaking
Removes stitches without a doctor, -
Know that there is a head from the heart ...
M. _ Tsvetaeva

What to do ?

1. Do not change anything, go with the flow, i.e. part of life and health to spend on this love is uncertainty. Most people do this.
It is not necessary to abstain from pleasures, but to rule over them, not obeying them.

2. Join a relationship. The supporter and promoter of this type of relationship - "free love" was N.G. Chernyshevsky. For him, this concept meant sincerity, rejection of despotism, violence over feelings, rejection of jealousy. In this sense, the views of Chernyshevsky affirmed the idea of "free love" and civil marriage. N.G. Chernyshevsky can be called the forerunner of the increasingly popular "confluent love".

Oscar Wilde made a discovery: "The best way to overcome temptation is to give in to it." The forbidden fruit is sweet, but once we gain access to it, it loses its appeal and often becomes uninteresting. Less than a quarter do this (men more often, women less often).

L.N. Tolstoy "Anna Karenina" - Vronsky's feelings: "How many times did he tell himself that her love was happiness; and so she loved him, as a woman can love, for whom love outweighed all the blessings in life - and he was much further from happiness than when he went after her from Moscow. Then he considered himself unhappy, but happiness was ahead; now he felt that the best happiness was already behind him. She was not at all what he saw her at first. Both morally and physically, she changed for the worse ... He looked at her, as a man looks at a flower plucked by him and withered, in which he hardly recognizes the beauty for which he plucked and destroyed it".

Adultery from different sides. E. Pushkarev

We warn you that this advice has an extremely unfavorable outcome - "... I left my husband for a lover now I'm sorry." Pleasures and delusions, even short-term ones, have to be paid for: nerves, health, a broken life.

From a letter to the Club. "Love is a miracle. This is a great gift to man. But the point is not to be mistaken. I lived in a civil marriage for 2 years, and then suddenly I met my love. I gave myself up to this feeling completely and completely, I could not live without this person, I saw and he had the same feelings, his eyes were shining with joy. I threw my civil husband, so to speak, I thought everything, finally all the obstacles were overcome, just me and he and our love. 2 months have passed, my beloved's feelings have calmed down, he began to cheat on me, it was very painful, insulting, scary. In general, a month later I left, I could not look at all this. A year has passed, and only now it dawned on me that it was not love, but a wild passion (probably pheromones tried :-)). Now I behave more carefully with men, or rather not with them, but with my feelings towards them. I try to evaluate what kind of emotions, whether really deep feelings or so, sympathy, affection or something else. that she left her husband, he is a good, kind person, but now he has a Ugaya ... It is a pity, and I am ashamed in front of him that I acted so indecently". Elsa .

In ancient mythology, Hestia is the goddess of the family hearth, not subject to the power of Aphrodite and Eros. Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, and the deity Eros was personified as a force under the influence of which people fall in love and indulge in bodily pleasures. Translated into modern language, Eros is the god of romantic love.

3. Engage in active neutralization of the psychological disorder. The sooner this work begins, the less mental loss will be required to get rid of the problem.
Fewer people do this. It is to them that our Club assists in getting rid of obsessive falling in love.

It is easier to part with a person than with illusions about him.
Marta Ketro

The first step on this path is to admit: "Yes, this attack turned out to be stronger than I thought at first, now it has already gone out of my control and turned into a serious problem."

"... light a fire ...",

Love cannot be treated with herbs.

It is easier to achieve an end in love than moderation.

"Medicine for love" Ovid

Dmitry Semennik "How to survive parting with a loved one." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

A description of the most severe form of the disorder - love addiction and ways to get rid of it is given by a psychotherapist, Ph.D. M.E. Litvak in his article "Addictive (compulsive) love." with examples he talks about different aspects of this problem, gives advice, he also cites Ovid's poem (late 1st century BC - early 1st century AD) "Medicine for Love" with his comments.

The feeling of love can be truly good only with the inner harmony of those who love, and then it constitutes the beginning and the guarantee of that social prosperity that is promised to us in the future development of mankind through the establishment of brotherhood and personal equality between people.
N.A. Dobrolyubov

The classic A.P. Chekhov in the stories "Misfortune" and in its logical continuation "Bad, good man" (the relationship of Ivan Laevsky and Nadezhda Fedorovna)
In these stories there is no direct advice “what to do?”, but there is enough information for reflection, comparing your experiences and heroines, making a decision.
The story "Misfortune" is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ...", and here is "Bad, good man" it is better to watch the film, this is undoubtedly a Soviet film masterpiece, in which the whole constellation starred Oleg Dal, Vladimir Vysotsky, Lyudmila Maksakova, Anatoly Papanov.

And here are the tips from English philosophers:

F. Bacon: "... the better is the one who, since it is impossible to prevent love, keeps it in its proper place and completely separates it from his serious deeds and actions in life." (President Vladimir Putin said about this: “It is necessary to separate the cutlets from the flies.)

J. Locke: "... managing your passions is true progress on the path of freedom."

Here are detailed tips and techniques for getting rid of obsessive loves, addicted relationships on your own.

How to get rid of "love"?

If the advice does not help, you need to seek help from a professional.

Consideration of a variety of aspects when one of the spouses falls in love is devoted to the book of psychologist Elena Emelyanova "Triangles of Suffering". The book is in our library: "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Want to know why you fell in love? Or maybe you want to know when your next crush will come?

The entire second half of the book is advice on what to do after the "triangular crisis". There is a substantial description of how to deal with mental suffering.

Information for thought for those who consider themselves an Orthodox believer:

Bible from Matthew, chapter 5.
28 But I tell you that everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
29 But if your right eye tempts you, pluck it out and cast it away from you, for it is better for you that one of your members should perish, and not your whole body should be cast into Gehenna.
30 And if your right hand tempts you, cut it off and cast it away from you, for it is better for you that one of your members should perish, and not all your body should be cast into Gehenna.

In the list of seven deadly sins among Christians, fornication is in third place after pride and greed. This list also includes lust (lust).

And the church also provides a paid service:

Order a prayer service for cheating wives and husbands. And the deliverance of people from the passion of fornication. Now this service can be ordered over the Internet.

Orthodox esthete K.N. Leont'ev wrote: “At first glance it seems that monasticism, renouncing the family, is the logical antithesis of the family. However, in reality it turns out otherwise, Marriage is a kind of asceticism, a kind of renunciation. A strict, religious, moral marriage is only a relaxed monasticism - monasticism alone or with children-disciples".
Sometimes people, entering into a side relationship, try to combine two types of relationships, to realize two opposite needs - to have a reliable rear, a family hearth, home peace, on the one hand, and a stormy love life, on the other. To maintain a monogamous relationship, a person must control dark desires, an elemental part of his nature. Faithful people understand that family life provides for their basic needs, which is more important to them than diversity in sexual relationships.
A person must remember that he himself gives himself permission to violate fidelity, that he himself is responsible for the choice of the specified way of life. This is not increased sexuality, not the prevailing circumstances, but his own decision leads him to betrayal. A person with a weak will is not able to resist his desires, goes on about them, cannot resist temptations. He will definitely have a side romance, despite his oath promise to be faithful to his partner.
A person can justify his betrayal for one reason or another, for example, unsatisfactory sexual relations or specific personality traits of a partner, but it depends only on himself whether he will cheat or not. You can always find an excuse for your actions, find a reason for dissatisfaction with family relationships, because - complete satisfaction in love, perfect happiness never comes. Therefore, the responsibility for making a decision to maintain or violate fidelity is borne by the person himself".
Patriarch Kirill:
“Fornication, which refers to the sin of the flesh, of fleshly impurity, the sin that destroys the chastity of man, in the Slavic language means delusion. Hence we say: to fornicate, to wander, to be delusional. Fornication and delusion are words of the same root. As a result of delusion, loss of life guidelines, destruction of the system of moral values, a person begins to disdain his body. And entering into unclean relationships with others, he causes mystical harm to this body ... Not only physical illness brings harm to the human body ... A person damages himself with prodigal passion, and makes him unable, in the end, to enter the Kingdom of God. That is why the Apostle Paul says: "... fornicators will not inherit the Kingdom of God."

Letters to the Club. In addition to the above and reflections.
Hello. My first marriage was not entirely successful; I left my husband for my lover. At first everything was very good, we became even closer, but: apparently this was what we had to be afraid of. He began to get tired of it. The habit of living alone, independently making decisions on all issues and completely my own opinion about everything in the world, also affected. I wanted the decisions to be made by us together and my wishes were taken into account, but every day he felt it as a pressure on him and a desire to remake him.

Most likely, he himself did not fully understand this, he was just uncomfortable and wanted to somehow change it. Nagging, grumbling, discontent began, he completely stopped communicating with my child and this, despite all that I know, he loves me, all this has been verified by years of communication without living together. The result was sad, I could not stand it and left. He didn't stop. A month has passed, and having met by chance, we understand that we are still drawn to each other. The grievances have cooled down. Since then we have met again, just like before, but it is not possible to live together. When obligations fell from him, he again became the same wonderful calm man that he was before. He helps in everything, gives gifts, but does not offer to live together. But this does not suit me, I need stability, protection, or something. I talk to my first husband on the phone. And the door there is not completely closed, although it is very shameful. It would be necessary to decide, but the very one does not succeed. Help. Svetlana.

"My family is on the verge of collapse. My husband and I have lived in complete love for 11 years, we have two children. I cheated on my husband, and he knows about it. We are very worried. I am very sorry about what happened, I repent and execute myself I was carried away by a young guy, there was a momentary weakness. Everything was happening as if not with me. I did not expect that I was capable of such a thing.

Almost 5 months have passed since that time. The first two weeks were very difficult, then a little easier. And now the relationship is getting worse and worse again. And we cannot part: the children love their father very much, and living as now is also unthinkable. Now they decided to give the children the opportunity to finish the school year without stress. I am very scared in anticipation of the summer, but before we were so waiting for it. He is ready to forget and possibly even forgive, but "does not know how to solve this problem." Please tell us what to do, we want to save our family". Larissa

Hello everyone! I can’t live like this anymore, it’s a real torture !!! Not only can I not understand myself, but now also in my relationships !!! People, save me !!! I have been married for three years, and for the last year I also started a relationship, which is called on the side. At first I thought it was just another affair, just so as not to lose experience! But all this spun so much that she herself did not notice how she fell head over heels in love !!! Like a girl !!! And this is 30 years old !!!! He is also married, we rarely see each other, because he lives in another city! But this "abnormal" does not allow himself to be forgotten. He constantly calls, writes letters, sends huge bouquets of flowers !!!! In general, he is also going crazy !!! With my husband, my whole life went awry. I can neither eat, nor sleep, nor work, so as not to think about who is far away !!! And now that distant one says that I should leave my husband! And he does it very energetically! He rents an apartment for me, pays for it! In general, he does everything so as not to confuse me with anything !!! But with all this, he is not going to leave the family ?? I am afraid that I will not resist him! In general, I got so confused that I can't do without help !!! I can't, people !!! Help at least with advice, at least something !!!! I disappeared and I don't know what to do !!!! Elsa

Good evening! I am 33, I have been married for 10 years, and have two daughters. With my husband, complete understanding, good sex, full communication. Although sometimes it seems that instead of love, there is trust, friendship. Two months ago, a man appeared in my company, from whom I literally "blew" my roof off. It's like a toy that I want to possess, by all means, I want to possess his soul, his body, his thoughts. He is 42, he has three children, he has a second marriage, his wife is now expecting a child. I understand that, from an ethical point of view, my passion is irrelevant and perhaps even destructive, but I can’t help myself. I'm not going to leave my husband, I don't want to know anything about his family, the main thing is to get him. Why - I don't know yet. I'm even ready for an intimate relationship, just to have it. He, too, shows signs of attention to me, at least this is more than the usual friendliness. It can be seen that he is also drawn to me, but he probably experiences a little more moral remorse than I do. Sometimes I can’t help myself, all my thoughts are occupied only by him. I understand that the reason is most likely only in me. I'm used to getting what I want. I never cheated on my husband, and even condemned those women who did it, but now everything has changed. I am in a panic, I wake up at night thinking about him, at work I think about him. What is wrong in me, what needs to be changed in order not to be a slave to this passion, and will I feel normal if I suppress this passion? Ksenia

Hello. I have been married for 5 years, no children (I treat infertility). I got married, as it seemed to me, for love. The husband is good, kind, caring. And I was very happy. But 2 years ago I met a friend of my husband, he was on business in Moscow and lived with us. From the very first glance, I realized that ... I can't even describe what I understood, I felt that I had never felt this way for my husband. I literally went crazy for this man ... Once, after a feast, I kissed him (although I would never have allowed myself anything like this before in my life, no matter how nice the person was to me), he answered, but the next day it was clear from him, that he is ashamed and regrets about it. Therefore, he began to behave very dry with me and soon left. I don't know how I got through that time ... I couldn't live without him ... Tears every day ... Everything went wrong with my husband. I didn't want to live with him. And my life turned into existence.

A year later, I had a lover, he is from another city and we do not meet often. Why I am meeting with him, I do not know. I just don't care. I don’t love him and I don’t love my husband. I love only that person, the only one. Recently he was passing through again and spent the night with us one night. When we met, I almost fainted ... My heart was ready to jump out ... What was happening to me, my soul was torn to pieces, a stone in my chest, a lump in my throat ... I never wanted to hug anyone so much as him , to touch him .. I am ashamed to admit, but that night I did not sleep, I sat and looked at him until morning. I could not enjoy, I can look at him forever. And I can always listen to his voice ... This is something abnormal ...

I also found out that he was addicted to drugs and now my pain has intensified, I won't survive if something happens to him ... I want to help him, I pray for him every day ... Help, please, tell me how to live on. .. Leave your husband, give up infertility treatment, leave your lover, go against your parents, leave Moscow and give all of yourself to a drug addicted person from another city (a person who hardly loves me and I'm not sure if he wants to communicate with me at all) or suppress everything in yourself, shed tears, just exist, give birth to children from an unloved (albeit a good, decent person)? Or is it better to be alone at all ??? I cannot live with such pain ... I cannot understand what it is, true love or illness, some kind of dependence on this person ... I remember him and tears flow by themselves ... Masha

Hello. I'm completely confused, help me figure it out. They lived with my husband for 18 years. Then I met a man whom, as it seemed to me, I was looking for all my life. It happened 4 years ago. At first, the romance developed rapidly, and I was sure that I was loved, so I divorced my husband. At first, she took the divorce as a release, a relief - she literally blossomed, it's a pity that not for long. With a loved one, the relationship began to deteriorate - to strain. I tried to break up, but I didn't have the strength to break off the relationship. "Remained friends", continued very warm friendly communication.

Other men for me ceased to exist, although there were those who wanted to improve relations with me. Once, after a colleague gave me a ride home, my beloved considered himself deceived and beat me severely. I got to the emergency room on my own - they refused to help me. Although, the next day, during the examination at the clinic, it turned out that I received a serious injury - a contusion of the brain. From that moment on, I began to feel dirty, guilty. My beloved tried to get closer, but I could not, all the time remembering that terrible story. She went to work, clung to her like a life buoy. She worked in such a way that she did not fall asleep, but literally fainted. She allowed herself such a faint sleep no more than 4 hours a day. And not a single weekend in 2 years, no indulgences. Since my work is connected with a long motionless sitting at the computer, 2 months ago I got seriously ill.

My daughter has grown up during this time. I couldn't learn her - she didn't even finish school, but I was able to give her a job and she found herself a man. Now he lives with him. While civil marriage.

I was left alone with my problems, with my work, with my worries. I have already tried to seek help from psychologists. I have had three serious attempts to get rid of my depression. But all three are at an impasse. The first time I did it for a short time - only a couple of months, but I was scared of the consequences - I had an accident right after a lesson with a psychoanalyst. What kind of accident it was - I don't know. I don't remember at all. Retrograde amnesia. Several hours, which are not in my memory. The second time - I did it for about 7 months. I realized that this would not solve my problems - I left. The third time I studied for about a year. It seemed to me that I felt much worse. I was prescribed an antidepressant and politely asked not to come back. I sat on an antidepressant for 4 months, after which I realized that I felt like a zombie. Nothing hurts. I'm not crying. But I don't care what happens to me. During this time, she launched the affairs of her company. On New Year's Eve (this one already) I decided to stop taking the antidepressant. It was hard. I knew it would be that way. But I was able to. And now .... I realized that I was at a dead end. And I don’t know what’s next. I know that death is not an option, but I am so tired that sometimes I think of it as just an opportunity to rest and sign my helplessness. I could not.

I did everything I possibly could and could not get out. Now my business is not very cheerful - debts, my business is becoming more and more unprofitable. I have less and less strength to pull my own business on my own. No personal life. I began to look terrible and therefore - no hope of improving this situation. Health is rapidly deteriorating. I hardly communicate with anyone. My daughter doesn't need me. Probably, I asked for help in order to at least change something. First in itself. At least stop hopelessly loving a person who doesn't need me. At least believe again that I am strong and I can. Not from such troubles I got out - and I will get out again. And maybe I can believe that, although I am not a beauty, and for years already, I can be liked by someone like that. Learn not to lock in yourself, even though sometimes trust other people a little. Express the pain that has been accumulating in myself for so many years. Or maybe I will still be able to improve relations with my beloved? K.L.

Those who want to tell their story, share their experience, express their opinion - write.
Your story will be interesting and instructive to others, your experience will be useful to everyone.

E Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTENED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book "LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

On the impact of poor quality love on health in the book by Kurt Tepervine "Psychosomatics, relationships and health." The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Articles related to the same topic:

A guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

The essence of love. E. Pushkarev.

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Is love an emotion, feeling or what? E. Pushkarev

If you eliminate the confusion of love with pseudo-loves. E. Pushkarev

Sexual preferences of psychotypes.

Sexual compatibility of socionic psychotypes

Classification of psychosexual types.

Riddles of sexual compatibility. V.V. Meged.

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin.

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love (explains the ethologist). V. Dolnik

K.S. Lewis

Falling in love. G. Chapman.

Falling in love and hypnosis. S. Freud

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Эрих Фромм

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.

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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми