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I can't love, I just can't, I can't ...

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Hello, I am writing to you for the first time, but I have a lot of problems. I have been going for a long time and only today decided to send. I can't love, I just can't, I can't, no, of course, I love my mom, dad, brother, niece, but I can't work with guys ... I've been dating a wonderful guy for a year and a half, he loves me very much he looks after me wonderfully, but we didn’t even kiss ... You think that this is not a meeting , but oddly enough, he knows that I don’t love him, I told him myself: “Sorry, I don’t love you and I’m happy with you will never be ", to which he replied," and still I want you to become my wife. " Here's a story ...
Sexually, I get complete satisfaction, the truth is from myself, and I don't feel guilty, but if other guys show signs of attention to me, my conscience "works out" I forbid myself to have all the fun with them, and if someone during the dance I feel strong presses, I feel impossible guilt ... And my boyfriend is just like a brother or friend to me.
Lika.

Pass test Helen Fisher for of choice partner on the best hormonal compatibility .

Our comment :

The inability to love this problem is as old as the world; among the ancient Greeks, there was even a god Anteros included in the retinue of Aphrodite - the god of denial of love, inspiring hatred in a person for those who love him.

When there are a lot of problems, you do not need to lump everything together, it is easier to solve one at a time. Let 's take a look at Lika first:
>>> I cannot love,
Lika , what does "love" include in your concept? Stormy passion? Dramaticism? Like Romeo and Juliet , like Anna Karenina?

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

Essence love . E. _ Pushkarev .

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Is love an emotion, a feeling or what? E. Pushkarev

If the confusion of love with pseudo-loves is eliminated. E. Pushkarev

This is a malicious word "love". E. Pushkarev

The most famous foreign researcher of love of the twentieth century, Erich Fromm ( whose classic work "The Art of Love" in 1956, undoubtedly influenced subsequent research on this topic): also "low-quality songs" about love, from which the mass consumer draws uncomplicated information. in the West, it is considered "fashionable" love at the source - a sudden surging feeling, emotional spontaneity, unbridled passion, most often excluding responsibility, human seriousness, spiritual and moral kinship and mutual understanding between partners. practically in a consumer society, "almost everything is considered more important than love: success, pr estizh, money, power; all energy is spent on achieving these goals, and almost nothing is done in order to learn the art of love. "

More " Romantic love": aspects, analysis and consequences. E Pushkarev .

Love turns into an illusion, because we expect from it much more than it is able to give. A person is faced with a dilemma: a huge need for love and affection, on the one hand, and the difficulty of achieving it, on the other. Karen Horney _ _

Our rules of love are so imperfect that many should not, and even more cannot love ...
P. _ _ _ Mantegazza

If you cannot love as violently as it is shown in the endless stream of serials, this does not mean that you cannot love at all. Since the reason may be in those skewed, overheated rules of love that our culture has imposed on us. If:
>>> And my boyfriend is just like a brother or friend to me.
A brother or friend is not some weak, secondary feeling.
Let's look at your situation from the perspective of smart women.
Bella Akhmadulina :
- Of all the loves, there is no feeling stronger than friendship. : I will make friendship.
Actress Tatyana Okunevskaya is a wise beautiful woman who went through fire, water, copper pipes, Stalin's torture chambers, her love was sought by the powerful I.B. Tito , L.P. Beria , recently left this world:
- I put friendship above love.
The correspondent asks Galina Shcherbakova questions to the author of women's novels:
- What is love for you?
- Love is necessarily suffering, sadness, an explosion of feelings, spiritual flight, jealousy, forgiveness :
- Would you like to still fall in love?
- No. That calm, pleasant, warm definite feeling that I am now experiencing, I like more, and I do not want to exchange it for a love storm. I've already experienced it all, felt it, that's enough.
Erich Fromm :
- The most fundamental kind of love that underlies all its types is brotherly love. By this I mean a sense of responsibility and care, respect and a desire to help him in life. It is about this kind of love that the Bible says: "Love your neighbor:
give the exact answer that you have Lika with your boyfriend friendship, love or hopelessness only after testing. I think the most reliable, most elaborated and time-tested is Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin . (1973. University of Michigan ).
But I advise you to better define your ideas about love and friendship. And already, based on these concepts, take a closer look at your boyfriend, maybe he is wiser than you, and already figured out these important concepts.

A couple more aspects of this question:

- A. Maslow in his work “ Love and self-actualization ” explains that there is not only “the ability to love ”, but also“ the ability to be loved ”, and only the one who possesses both of these abilities can find true love. These are people with the highest level of psychological health.

More details: " Psychological health is a prerequisite for love" E. Pushkarev

And in short, it will not work to love the unloved.

Practically anyone with whom you can build quite acceptable contractual relations and live in them all your life. This is taught by Family Service and the Church.
It is appropriate to remind that the closest synonym for love is "harmony", but harmonious relationships cannot be built with anyone. Contractual relationships are built on goodwill, conscious effort, effort, and harmonious relationships are built involuntarily on the best combination of selves - what kind of person is by nature and better not.

More details: About disharmony of choosing a marriage partner to harmony. E. _ Pushkarev

In a survey conducted by a student magazine, more than half of the female students wished for wealth of feelings, drama, and passionate relationships.

Of course, at one age you want storms and passions in another "calm, pleasant, warm definite", just do not try to pour incompatible phenomena into one bottle. Still, it is better when the flies are separately cutlets separately.
PS.
Above is the psychological version of the problem "I can not love", which is caused by a biased assessment of ideas about love. It is experienced by almost everyone in adolescence, adolescence, over the years, more precisely, as they grow up, a person is determined both with a feeling of love and with a partner, youthful maximalism is successfully overcome. But this problem “I cannot love” can exist as a disorder.

“The fact that you do not love does not mean that there is no love in you, but only that there is something in you that prevents you from loving ...” L.N. _ _ Tolstoy

In the studies of W. Kepphart , it was revealed that the inability to love is truly expressed in people in two versions, when such a person has a large number of novels or their complete absence. He came to the conclusion that these two opposites are associated with an insufficient level of human emotional maturity. This is about a quarter of all adults.

Love is not for the infantile ! E. Belyakova

Poll by the Public Opinion Foundation in 2004 “How many times in your life did you have to fall in love?”, respondents indicated: once - 33%, twice - 20%, three times - 13%, four times - 2% , five times - 3%, ten times - 3%, many times - 14%, I did not fall in love - 10%, another - 2%.

Another aspect of this problem is described by psychotherapist Oleg Kurakin

Neurotic love.

About Freud, the inability to love is a manifestation of narcissism.

Love and selfishness

About K. Horney inability to love is a sign of neuroticism , the reason is a latent fear of rejection.
Neurotic need for love. Karen Horney .

" Horney writes about the inability of the neurotic person to love" ... because of the anxiety and latent and explicit hostility that arises in his early life as a result of mistreatment of himself. In the process of development, this hostility increases significantly. "

But the neurotic does not know that he does not know how to love. He lives with the illusion that he is the greatest of lovers and has a tremendous capacity for self-giving. He will assure you that in his life he does everything only for others and does not know how to do only one thing - to please himself. " Psychologist Diana Balyko "365 + 1 rule of true love for every day of a happy year"

What must be overcome in order not to be afraid of love? P. Cutter

John Powell "Why I'm Afraid to Love."

John Townsend “Don't hide from love. How to get rid of the fear of emotional closeness that holds you captive, isolating you from communication "
The books are in our library : " Love , family, sex and about ..."

The inability to get along with others is the main trait of the neurotic. It is distinguished by suspicion, society seems hostile to him, and along the path of life he moves, as if in an armored car. Rollo May _ _

The “can't love” problem may be the result of significant intrapersonal conflict.

The concept of intrapersonal conflict, its features and classification. N. Loban

Children who are deprived of contact with their parents immediately after birth run the risk of being emotionally, mentally and socially flawed for life. Even finding a new full-fledged family and loving foster parents does not guarantee complete rehabilitation if the child spent the first 1-2 years of life in an orphanage. Seth D. _ _ _ _ _ Pollak ), University of Wisconsin

writes about the influence of upbringing in the parental family on the ability to love . EDUCATION = HEALTH OF THE NATION "

P about E. Fromm , the inability to love is a consequence of the lack or lack of love and care in childhood, which leads to isolation and a certain blockage of feelings. It happens that a person loves and does not recognize this, but it happens when he does not love at all and tries to convince himself of the opposite with his partner and himself .

Pseudo -love . E. _ Fromm

About the destructive influence of the "consumer society" on sexual love. E. Fromm

Consumer society and its anti-love essence. E. Pushkarev

From the voi version of the problem "I can not love" and ways to resolve it are described in the book " Marilyn Monroe Syndrome." S. Izraelson , E. Makavoy (The book is in our library : "Love, family, sex and about ..." ).

The vision of the problem “I cannot love” and what to do with it is described by K. Steiner in his book “Scenarios of People's Life. Eric Berne School "- script" Without Love ". The book is in our library "Love, family, sex and about ..." :
“ A huge number of people in this country are in constant unsuccessful search for close relationships. Women face this difficulty more often, which happens for several reasons: women are more sensitive to the presence (absence) of love in their life and therefore they are less tolerant of loneliness and unsatisfactory relationships. "

While a person is waiting for love and attention from others, he lives by this, he will never be satisfied, will demand more and more, and everything will not be enough for him. In the end, he will end up at a broken trough, like that old woman who wanted a gold fish to serve her. Such a person is always internally unfree, dependent on how he is treated. This source of love and goodness must be discovered in oneself. And the discovery should take place not in the mind, but in the heart of a person, not theoretically, but by inner experience. Orthodox psychologist T.A. Florenskaya

Lika if you determine that your problem is similar to one of the above disorders, special attention will need to be paid

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Thus, there is reason to assert that about 80% of women who seek psychological help with a request to get rid of female loneliness have a disturbed personality structure, occupy an inadequate role position in interpersonal relationships. D. pskh . n N. Tsvetkova. " Personal characteristics of single women seeking psychological help."

Narcissism, neuroticism , infantilism, intrapersonal conflicts, etc. these are diagnoses that our Club does not deal with, but we provide information for acquaintance, with a pronunciation: all this can be corrected or cured by contacting a psychotherapist. hypopituitarism , may also be the cause of the “I can't love” problem . It causes hormonal problems and love blindness. Men and women who have this disease often do not even know about it, they lead normal lives. They create families according to the principle “like everyone else”, guided by friendly relations, but they are not aware of the “elation” or “fire in the chest” of lovers. There are also some mental disorders that do not have a distinct severity, as a result of which the synthesis of dopamine is disrupted.

And I would like to finish with this letter, when Lika you read it to the end, you will understand why I brought it here.

"Hello. I decided to ask you my question.
My story is as follows: as a student , I was friends with my classmate - just friends. We spent a lot of time together, we understood each other; all was good. Everything went to the fact that friendship was to develop into love, this person was so dear and close to me. But ... How it happens: she did not take the first steps, and he did not. And when he opened his feelings, I was not ready and did not answer them. And the friendship was incomprehensibly broken in this way. In February there were friends, and in July he was already married to another girl.
Time passed and I got married, just got out without love. I lived with my husband for almost 20 years and realized that I couldn’t take it anymore and he was tired of living like that, because I couldn’t fall in love with him. We parted. My son understood everything and helps me to live and not lose hope for happiness. All the years she remembered and fondly remembered the one whom she lost and loved, but she never told him about her feelings. She dreamed of finding him, talking and maybe seeing him.
They say the truth, you need to say your dreams out loud. This summer a classmate came to visit me, and I told him that I really want to find this person.
And at the beginning of September I was given his phone, and as it turned out, he was my phone. And he called me right away. It was such a happiness to hear this native voice. He remembered every little thing from our past, just as I kept ours with him in my heart. And I told him again that I was so glad to hear, but really want to see him. And then there was a decision to meet in a couple of weeks. We live in different, though bordering areas. He organized transport for me to get there, and I went to meet him elated. E hala did n’t know how to behave, what to say - she knew one thing: I’ll see him and this is already a great happiness. I knew one thing, that even if I was still married, I would go to meet him. This man is so dear to me. We met and during communication once again realized that we are kindred souls, halves that had to find each other in this world in order to be happy .
About ba could not answer what happened 20 years ago, why they parted. Both unanimously said: "How am I going to live without you now ?!" After 20 years, they confessed their love and realized how wrong they were, having lost each other then, and that they should not be lost now. The story is usual - he is married, 2 children (adult children). Now we live from a telephone conversation to a telephone conversation. We live with hopes for new meetings.
I am tormented by the fact that I understand that I cannot live without him, that I want to be with him, but this is rather impossible - he has a family. But it is no coincidence that everything in this life is fate - for so many years we both kept and cherished the memory of each other, loved each other and dreamed of meeting. We met and realized that we could not live without each other. How to live on? What to do? I feel at the same time the happiest and the most unhappy on earth. I found him, we loved and love each other, I follow him even to the ends of the world. But I can't destroy the family, I shouldn't. I understand how difficult it must be for him now. So I want to tell him everything that I want to be with him, that we should be together, that there is one life, etc. But I do not want to put pressure on him - he himself must make a decision. Maybe you shouldn't be silent? We must tell him everything and let him MAN make his decision. I know that I will grab hold of every slightest opportunity to see him like a straw and strive for him. I cannot now lose my happiness! I know that you have to fight for happiness. I believe that it is not by chance that fate has twisted everything so, and something will definitely happen and we will be together, we will be happy - I really want this.
You usually very subtly lay out and explain everything - help figure out: how to live further and what to do? ".

Lika the sooner you ask for help, the faster you will get rid of your problems. And you will find true love.

True love, aka compatible love. E. Pushkarev.

Culture of longevity of love. A culture of separation grief. E. Pushkarev.

Those who want to tell their story, share their experience, express their opinion - write.
_ _ Your story will be interesting and instructive to others, your experience will be useful to everyone.

E Pushkarev Chairman of the Internet Club "ENLIGHTENED LOVE"

This is one of the chapters of the book " LOVE! GOOD OR EVIL? Psychological dimensions.

The problem I cannot love is manifold, as indicated by the letters of readers:

Hello Club. After reading this page, I wanted to write my own story. I have a young man . We have been living together for over a year. I think I love him. I like him in everything, outwardly, in character, in sex. Relationship with him is absolutely harmonious for me.
My problem is only that the development of our relations, steps towards each other, rapprochement, comes only when he feels bad. I really like those periods when, for example, he is sick. By himself, he is very frank, and trusts me in everything, so he always tells what is happening to him. Does he have a headache, or even more intimate details like the fact that he has a tummy ache. It is at these moments that I begin to feel my attitude towards him. It becomes dear and interesting to me. I help and look after him. He is a rather sentimental person and, in turn, wants to receive warmth and affection from me during these periods. He asks to sit next to him, putting his hand on his head, massage his tummy, squeeze it to him, make tea. Only on such days can I get sexual satisfaction in bed with him. Precisely because I think that he is bad.
In ordinary life, when everything is normal, I begin to treat him absolutely coldly, and he becomes alien and uninteresting to me. To start feeling sympathy for him again, I need to see that he feels bad - physically bad. I reread texts and letters where he complains that he is not feeling well today, or I look at photographs that I took in secret when he slept with a fever or headache, curled up and hugging his head in his hands. Or when he sits on his haunches, getting out of the car, holding his stomach, in the hope that the sudden colic will soon pass. After looking at this, I start thinking again that I love and want him.
I understand that this is not normal. But I can't understand why this is happening? What is this strange desire to see how bad a loved one is ? How can I get rid of this ? Please help me with a solution to my personal problem. Roz a _ _

John Townsend “Don't hide from love. How to get rid of the fear of emotional closeness that holds you captive, isolating you from communication "

John Townsend "How to Love and Be Loved"

Philip van Manching , Bernie Katz "Parents are to blame for everything, or why your love relationship is not working out"

Valery Ilyin “Archeology of childhood. Psychological mechanisms of family life "

Karen Horney "Our Internal Conflicts"

Andrey Kurpatov “3 mistakes of our parents. Conflicts and complexes "

and others

Articles related to the same topic:

Guide to the site and the main milestones in the knowledge of love. E. Pushkarev

Essence love . E. _ Pushkarev .

What is love. E. Pushkarev

Is love an emotion, a feeling or what? E. Pushkarev

If the confusion of love with pseudo-loves is eliminated. E. Pushkarev

Various feelings of love and being in love. E. Pushkarev.

Psychological health is a prerequisite for love. E. Pushkarev

Falling in love and love. V. Albisetti

Love test: "love scale" by Z. Rubin .

Falling in love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: compatibility, love. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: relationships. E. Pushkarev

Man and woman: leadership in love and marriage. E Pushkarev

Psychology of love. E. Pushkarev

Эрих Фромм

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Экология и драматургия любви

Наш сайт о природе любви мужчины и женщины: истоки, течение, около любовные переживания и расстройства.


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По моей книге уже с 2010 года обучают студентов по Программе дисциплины – «Психология любви»

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Из книги вы узнаете: любовь между мужчиной и женщиной исключительно положительное чувство. А очень похожая влюбленность с любовью никак не связана. А недоброкачественная влюбленность - мания, она же "наркоманическая любовь", "сверхизбирательная любовь" "folle amore" (безумная любовь (ит.) не только никакого отношения к любви не имеет, а и совсем болезненное расстройство.

А научиться их различать не так уж и сложно.

У человека нет врожденного дара, отличать любовь от влюбленностей, других

псевдолюбовных состояний это можно сделать только овладев знаниями.

Жизнь удалась

Примеры настоящей любви

Пара влюбленных

Драматичные влюбленности известных людей, которые не сделали их счастливыми